Objects of Your Love

I love doing this . In the past , I've said a lot about relationships , but we are so closely integrated with others in this world that a lot more can be said on this topic , so there's much to unpack here . Today , we're going to be talking about a few old and a few new concepts and integrating all of it .

The biggest lie we're ever fed , courtesy of socialization , is that relationships we're in are responsible for making us feel better , that our romantic partner is responsible for our happiness . This sets us up for having unrealistic expectations when the spouse doesn't meet them , and we immediately fall back to seeing everything that is wrong with the relationship .

What if and this might sound crazy to some , but what if ? The socialization was that if you want to marry someone , it was because you want someone to love ? You want someone to be an object of your love , so you can project your love onto them ? Technically , that is what unconditional love is .

They get to be themselves and they get to be an object of your love so you can project your love onto them . Technically . That is what unconditional love is . They get to be themselves and they get to be the receiver of your love . How they receive that love is still up to them . They're responsible for how they feel that love .

We are responsible for feeling the love for them within us , like there isn't a love chemical that gets transported into them when you are feeling your love for them . Your feelings are yours to keep . Remember their thoughts about you . Help them see your love for them . If , for example , my husband says I love you , honey , he is the one feeling that love .

That love is not being transferred to me , not even like an energy . That love is not being transferred to me , not even like an energy . If I believe him when he says that he loves me , then I get to feel that love . It just becomes much easier for me to feel that love .

When he puts his love into words and expresses it to me , then it's super easy for me to think that he actually loves me and then immediately I feel the love . This is the exact same principle that love languages are based on . Husband thinks he's expressing his love by acts of service , working and providing .

You , on the other hand , might not be receiving the love because you think love means romantic dinner and quality time . He feels his love for you . You do not receive it .

Same way , you think keeping up with the house , chores , kids , homework , working outside the house to contribute financially , that is your way of showing how much you love him and he , on the other hand , doesn't receive the love unless you dress up nicely each evening and welcome him home .

There is so much love the other person might be projecting onto you through their love language and your antennas to receive it are just not aligned to the same frequency . Language and your antennas to receive it are just not aligned to the same frequency .

Like I've said many times before , your love , peace , joy all these feelings can only come from your thoughts . Someone could be overflowing with love for you and you could be standing there unable to see it . This is just because of your mind filter , and we work very hard on this mind filter in my coaching program . I know where your brain is going .

It's going to tell you . But if I could just change him . If he could just start doing this one thing , or if you could just stop doing this one annoying habit , I could love him . It would be so much easier for you to love him if you could just control this or that . First of all , that's a manual .

You want him to act a certain way just so you could feel better . That is a thought error . Nothing outside of you can make you feel anything . Please listen to my podcast on manuals for more explanation on this topic and , second of all , listen carefully now . We cannot control other people .

If someone has a method to how you can control others , I will be the first one to buy it . You know that I've said it multiple times , but that just doesn't exist , because Allah SWT promised us that we are responsible for our actions , and if we could control other people , then he would have told us that we're responsible for other people's actions as well .

But that's obviously not the case . We are never told in our tradition that we will be held accountable for how other people act . That is the strongest evidence that you have that you just cannot control other people .

So the new paradigm that we're working here with is that people in your life are there to be objects of your love so you could experience your love for them . You are the only one benefiting from that feeling . All of this , again , is barring physical , emotional or spiritual abuse .

Of course , if at any point your spouse is not respecting your independent nature and using your family , religion , money or your children to control you , please seek help . But let me tell you this thing A husband not wanting to help you with chores around the house is not emotional abuse .

You say yeah , but if he could just leave the laundry inside the basket instead of on the floor , it would be so much easier for you to love him . I know your brain wants to change him , but how you generate your love for him is dependent on your thoughts , not the laundry or not anything else he does .

One reason why this concept might become difficult to understand is through a concept of social connections and social emotions . Social connections are wired into us , because of which it's very easy for us to experience social emotions .

Social emotions are emotions that depend on the thoughts , feelings or actions of other people as experienced , recalled , anticipated or imagined at first hand . Meaning social emotions are felt due to your connection with others , but have to be experienced by your mind . First Examples of these emotions are embarrassment , guilt , shame , jealousy , empathy , pride .

And what that actually means is that it is super easy for us to receive the love in a committed relationship because there's wiring in us that tells us social is good , support is good , it keeps us safe , keeps us alive . Our antennas are wired to look for this connection .

If you choose not to be in a committed relationship like staying single or traumatic divorce or a death of a spouse you are still able to generate that love . It might require some more thought , work , but there are plenty of people who are doing it and are perfectly happy without a spouse .

So what does this all mean and how can you actually put this to use to improve your life right now ?

All of this brings me to a concept of something called a want match . What is a want match ? It means that I want to do something in life and I'm looking for someone to share that experience with the power of social emotions at work . Let's say I want to work out three times a week and my spouse wants to as well .

He comes along with me and we happily work out three times a week at the gym . I want to have an intellectual conversation . Spouse wants the same thing . I want to have an intellectual conversation . Spouse wants the same thing . I want children . My spouse also wants children . All of these are want matches . What I want is also what he wants .

When this type of scenario happens , everyone is happy because everyone got what they wanted . We are all happily coexisting in our want matches . Social emotions at play . Thought work is super easy because of our pre-wiring of social connection . Super easy to generate love for hubby in this case .

But let's say I want to go hiking and he has no interest in doing so . Or I want roses for my birthday , or I want children to be bathed every night and he doesn't want to do any of that . Then it becomes a mismatch .

Then my tendency can be to ask him over and over again , in different ways , to do these things for me , hoping he would change his mind . All of this leads to nagging , and the same thing can be applied to house chores . You want a clean house . You want the dishes done . You want the vacuuming done , laundry neatly folded and put away .

On the other hand , husband wants none of that . In fact , he's just fine wearing clothes right out of the dryer . We have a want mismatch . When he doesn't do any of these things after your repeated asking , your brain will tell you he doesn't love you Because Tom and Sally down the street do all of their house chores together .

They might do it because it's their want match . It's not your want match . All you're doing when asking to change his wants is creating opportunity for resentment . You can ask him to do these things , but you cannot control him in doing these things . So this leads me to an important point . What about when you have wants but they don't match with your spouse ?

But you also want to share these experiences with someone , and this is where the power of other social connections comes in . You can have a dinner date with a friend . You can have an adventurous hike , camping trips , shopping trips , fancy tea parties , whatever it is that you like .

If you're inclined to share these experiences with a guy you're not married to , then check your intentions .

There is a lot of room for the lower brain to entice you into doing things that are just not good for your well-being in this world and the hereafter , just because it's going to want to justify that , since your husband's not doing it with you , at least someone else will we do everything our brain is capable of doing within the limits of Islam .

Human mind is capable of a lot , including destruction . Nobody willingly destroys themselves , but the nafs presents options that are so enticing that the executive brain completely shuts down . So be careful with who you share your wants with . There is a lot of flexibility in that .

It can be a spouse , friends , family , community members , co-workers or even a housekeeper or cleaning lady . If what you want is a clean house , cleaning lady wants to clean your house for the money and you're willing to pay for it and you want a clean house , that's a want match , even exchange of value .

You can even meet your wants by yourself reading a book , painting , acts of ibadah . These can be some wants you may want to meet for yourself or you may not . All depends on your preference . There's a lot of options . When you're experiencing problems in your marriage , your brain is stuck with . He doesn't do it with me , he must not care about me .

For any of these situations , I suggest you sit down and make a list of all of your wants and he does the same thing , and then you can compare where it is that your want . Matches lie More want matches do not signal a healthy relationship or having a few want matches does not mean that you do not have a good chance at that relationship .

People's wants change every 2-3 years , including mine . That's the natural course of the brain development . People outside of us just get to be the objects of our love through Allah's design , where it is easy for us to generate love for them through social emotions .

Generating this love is an active process versus the process of just falling in love , which Hollywood sells .

The biggest way to tell the difference between any pleasure response of active love versus the pleasure response of euphoric , false love , where you experience the sensation of just falling in love , is that there is satisfaction at the end of true pleasure versus remorse and regret at the end of false pleasure .

Always remember you do not go into a relationship to fill a deficit that you think you might have , because then you will have expectations attached to the relationship and once the curtain of euphoria lifts you find out that the other person fails to meet these expectations . Then the brain very efficiently finds faults , which it is designed to do .

It is not anyone else's responsibility to meet your needs , but yours . That's the point where we do all of the self-reflective techniques and thought work in my coaching program . So the philosophy that I work with is that two people come together in a relationship to enhance their life , not to fill any conceived deficits within themselves .

This is where 1 plus 1 doesn't equal 2, . It equals 10 , or 20 , or 100 . People in a relationship are completely responsible for their own lives , their own independence and their own results . Everyone involved is responsible to meet their own lives , their own independence and their own results . Everyone involved is responsible to meet their own emotional needs .

Relationships are there to share experiences with and to enhance those experiences . When we are connected with others , we produce something that is much better and much more beautiful than what we could do independently . Depending on one person to match all of your needs and wants unnecessarily burdens a relationship .

So understanding your wants and having others meet them is a deliberate , conscious process . You can assign your wants to other people in your life , like your mentors , your children , your colleagues . Again , this does not mean you don't ask your spouse to help you meet your needs . I'm just saying that you don't get disappointed if they fail to comply .

You can ask . I encourage you to ask . I encourage you to communicate exactly what you want , but don't depend on the answer . If you get an answer that disappoints you , then do thought work .

If all you want is your husband to celebrate an elaborate anniversary with you that is an important value to you then ask him and you don't rely on him to comply , because if you're disappointed by his no , that means that you've given him your emotional responsibility . If he wants to celebrate an elaborate anniversary , it's a want match .

If he doesn't , but at the same time he doesn't really mind doing what you're asking him to do , because he wants you to be happy and he is doing it out of genuine desire to make you happy then also we have an easy solution .

But if he doesn't want to have an elaborate celebration he wants to either have a quiet dinner or , worst case for you , he forgets and plans to spend the night with his guy friends then you get to decide what you make it mean . You can make it mean that he doesn't love you .

You can make it mean that he simply forgot , or you can make it mean that you love him more , regardless of what he does . But if he celebrates the anniversary or does anything out of the sense of obligation because he knows , you have mistakenly put your emotional burden on him , then that's how he will act .

Burdened , he might start to do things out of sense of obligation just to comply , and same can be true for you . You might find yourself having to do things out of obligation because you think you need to comply , because that's the only way you know how to be in a relationship .

Now both of you are in a relationship where you're both doing things out of obligations and resentment and compromising on things where you don't really want to . When your actions are coming from feelings of obligations or need to comply , your results will be very different compared to if the actions are coming from a place of respect or desire .

Actions taken out of negative feelings have a completely different result compared to actions out of a positive feeling , because up to 80% of our communication is non-verbal and , trust me , humans are not blind to that . You know when your partner is doing something when they don't want to .

Sometimes your spouse doesn't really think about doing what you want because you never asked , but if you did , they'd be happy to do it . Like you would gladly do something for your husband , or he would gladly do something for you without any sense of obligation . And this is where I think the true ibadah lies .

In a relationship , when you compromise and are giving too much out of obligation , that is room for shaitan to come in and whisper things that are detrimental to you and your relationship's well-being .

But when you're in a space when you understand that you're consciously making a decision because you want to make your husband happy , that to me is the true act of vrada in a relationship . People ask me when do I know that I'm compromising too much ? I tell them listen to your body . This is where learning your emotional language is really important .

Spend some time in your body . This is where learning your emotional language is really important . Spend some time in your body . See if you're feeling resentment , bitterness , indignation . Your body will tell you when it's too much . Like most recently , my husband's newly discovered adventure is wakeboarding .

I mean , I'm pretty sure I'll just be flopping about in the water behind the boat , but I'm happy to do it with him . Not something I originally wanted , but happy to do it . Basketball , on the other hand oh boy , he expected me to sit there and watch games and do that for the whole season , and I really tried .

I tried my best to like basketball and I did for a little bit . This is when the whole LeBron James to Miami drama was happening . I liked it , but that was very short-lived . There was no way I was going to love basketball enough to spend entire evenings watching it . I tried . So I told him , honey , I tried , but this is not happening .

He was disappointed , but he found his guy friends and his brothers to share the experience with . So this concept can really apply to any relationship within what is allowed in Islam .

Like the husband cannot demand to have a female friend outside of the marriage so he can have deep conversations with the woman , that type of behavior is reserved to stay within the marriage . That is what the wife is supposed to be for . You're supposed to establish that connection with her .

If it doesn't come naturally to the wife , then it becomes both of your responsibility to cultivate a situation where you can meet these needs for each other . Same when it comes to intimate relations .

Since the sanctity of marriage is the only place where an intimate relation can be fulfilled , it becomes super important to make it known what your wants are and communicate about what your partner is or isn't willing to do .

And communicate about what your partner is or isn't willing to do , and since women don't learn how to talk about this , the only thing they're taught is body shaming . This type of communication doesn't come naturally to them .

If that's the case , then start with want matches in other areas of your life , so your partner knows when you prioritize something , you respect yourself enough to get it . It will build self-confidence in you and also your spouse's confidence in you . From then you can steer conversations towards your intimate wants , which is a beautiful thing .

And if all else fails , please seek professional help . Whether the other party sees your efforts or doesn't , happily matches your wants or not , chooses to stay within the bounds of Islam or leave . That is entirely up to them . Your job is to make it as easy for them as possible without feeling obligated to do it . That balancing act is Ibadah .

The trick shaitan plays on us is that the nafs doesn't let us see things that are going well in the relationship . If I had kept pretending that I liked basketball and I kept going on for a while soon I would have ran into bitterness A perfect foundation for the nafs to make me see everything else that is wrong with the relationship .

So create boundaries from a place of love as soon as you think , feelings of obligation , bitterness or resentment are rising . Remember negativity bias Brain hangs on to one negative experience a lot stronger than a positive one .

So it becomes our responsibility to see what is actually going right in the relationship and to work for , advocating for our needs and wants , and that is to be done without attaching our feelings to the outcome . What's all of this fog of negative drama lifts ?

You will be surprised to find out how much you're actually willing to do for someone you love , how much you will happily do for them even things that you previously thought you were doing from a place of obligation . Humans are extremely flexible when it comes to creating a future they want . You just have to learn to stay true to yourself in the process .

With all of that said , I pray for all of us to be able to find as many want matches as possible within our halal relationships . I pray that you find a match for each and every one of your wants within your connections and , if you don't , it just becomes a part of your journey .

Ample opportunity for you to do thought work to create the results you want .

I pray sincerely that your thought work comes easy for you , because I believe this thought work is the reason why humans are created . I believe this is the reason why we are given tests in life so we can rise above them , using our minds to recognize Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala .

I believe no amount of tragedy or injustice is above thought work if we dedicate ourselves to find our strengths .

Inshallah , I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala that we can dismantle cultural narratives that are harming our relationships and harming our future generations , and I sincerely pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala that all of you can find people in your life to be the objects of your love , so you can then experience all of the love , joy and peace life has to offer

. Please keep me in your draas and please leave me a review on podcast platform of your choice , especially if this material has helped you at any level . This podcast is my life's work and I would appreciate some love . I will talk to you guys next time .