Living Your Best Life

Today's podcast subject originated from a real pain point that I noticed in my clients , and I figured what better way to address this topic other than the podcast . So here we are . So many of you have reached out to me over time saying things like I don't know why things keep happening to me . I don't know why I keep taking certain action .

I don't know why I find myself scrolling on social media for hours , eating things that I said I wouldn't eat . I say things in heated moments that I later regret . I promise myself that I won't do it again , but it happens again . Or I'm unable to say things that I planned on saying . I want to say things , but I can't say them when it matters the most .

Through the cumulative effect of such automatic actions , it starts to feel like life is happening to you , not for you , and it keeps you from living your best life . So that's what we're going to talk about today how to create your best life . The automation of actions is the reason why you might have woken up one day and asked I don't know how I got here .

This is where you're moving away from your best life .

If you're not able to understand why you eat unhealthy , why you don't work out , why you don't make enough money , why you're unhappy in your marriage , why your business isn't successful and it's feeling like you're plugged into the matrix and are able to observe what you're doing , but unable to stop it , it's because your actions are happening , which seems like

someone has programmed you to a remote control and taking control of your arms , legs , your mouth . Almost against your will , actions that you don't want to take keep happening .

The answer to this mystery is actually very simple and easy to understand , and after I tell it to you , you'll be like of course , it makes sense , but the solution to this problem requires work . Again , information versus transformation , two different layers .

If you just listen and understand with your intellect , it will make a difference , but if you implement it , that's where the real improvement happens . So , inshallah , as always , my intention is your transformation through this podcast , not to just provide you with information . That is just the bottom layer .

If you implement it , which is the second , more important layer . That's when you'll see the change . So let's define automatic actions . What seems automatic might actually not be automatic . There's only one very simple type of action that is purely automatic , like moving your hand away from a hot stove or flinching when touched by a sharp object .

These types of actions we will call reflexive . These are always simple actions , like when you hear a loud noise , you may reflexively cover your ears or flinch . When you see something moving quickly out of the corner of your eye , you may reflexively turn your head to look at it . Or when you feel a sneeze coming , you reflexively close your eyes .

We will call these reflexive actions they're universally programmed into all humans and are not in our control Truly automatic . There is another type of an action that seems automatic , but these are more complex actions . For example , looking at a social media app icon on your phone and reflexively opening it and starting to scroll . This is a conditioned response .

Your nervous system is always controlling your action . There is some wiring active somewhere for you to be engaging in the scrolling or the eating or the running of the mouth . Some people overshare and they think it's happening automatically . It's not . No action is 100% , completely out of the scope of your nervous system .

Your nervous system is engaged in the execution of the action at some level . When the action seems automatic , it's because the command of the nervous system is hidden underneath conscious awareness , and this is called a conditioned response . This is a phrase you'll be hearing frequently in this episode . So two types of actions that seem automatic .

One is reflexive action and the other is a conditioned action , both under the control of our nervous system , but only the reflexive action is truly automatic , something that we can't gain control of , even if we tried . And those are very simple actions . Pavlov's experiment is really famous in this field , where he gave dogs some food and they salivated .

The food and the salivation is a reflexive response , not under their control , already programmed . This is the first kind of the automatic action that we talked about . Then he gave the dogs some food and paired it with the ringing of a bell , and the dogs salivated .

And then eventually , when he took the food away , just the ringing of the bell caused the dogs to salivate . Without this conditioning , the bell ring would not cause the salivation . So the bell and the salivation becomes a conditioned response .

This is the second type of automatic response that we mentioned , in this case a neutral stimulus of a bell caused the action of the salivation , which would not have otherwise happened if it wasn't for the conditioning that the dogs went through for the sake of this experiment . The same exact thing happens to humans .

Humans have a primal brain that's not that different from how animals act in these situations , and this is very well proven . Our primal brain didn't evolve into a more sophisticated brain . It remains intact in its place , while the prefrontal cortex or the neocortex developed on top of it .

So we technically have two fully functional brains an animal brain and a higher brain . So let's say , if a baby is playing with a kitten and she finds it cute and cuddly , but all of a sudden something spooks the kitten and it scratches the baby , then the baby develops a negative association with it and it might develop into a fear .

When every time she sees the kitten she gets scared . The adults around her would know that there's nothing to be afraid of with the kitten , but that's how any of our irrational fears develop A conditioning of a response that was originally a harmless stimulus . To live an unconscious life means you're living a life of default conditioned responses .

If you're not sure why you find yourself doing something or not doing something , it's because the action or inaction has been conditioned into your subconscious . If you see a TV remote and you find yourself itching to turn the TV on , the stimulus , the remote and the conditioned response of the urge to turn it on .

The conditioning of these types of responses doesn't mean that it's etched into your brain . It doesn't mean that it's become a part of your DNA . It does not mean that it's going to be hard work to reverse it . And it definitely does not mean that it's going to be hard work to reverse it . And it definitely does not mean that it's irreversible .

Just like an action got conditioned into you , it can be deconditioned . And this is where the lesson of this podcast comes in the deconditioning of unwanted responses and for deeper levels of commitment and transformation . That's where coaching comes in .

When you touch a hot stove and you reflexively take your hand off , it happens before it enters your brain , before your conscious mind has a chance to process it , because just having to think about removing your hand from a burning stove is long enough to delay and cause significant burns to your hand .

So for the very academic medical types , they have a tendency to argue with me and they say people can take actions without their mind being involved , and they give me this example of a hot stove or a pinprick . Yes , of course that happens and that's a part of our defense mechanism .

But the nerves are still involved in the sensing of the stimulus and the generating of the action . Even if they're not sensing of the stimulus and the generating of the action , even if they're not neurons of the brain , the information still has to travel to and from the nervous system to be able to feel the burn and to be able to retract the hand .

Without the reception there could be no counter-reaction of the withdrawal . So the nervous system is involved in some capacity and in the cases of more complex activities , our brain is involved , not just our nerves . An unconditioned response or a reflexive response is something that you're already programmed to do at birth .

Like if you turn on the shower and it's too hot , you immediately jump back . That's reflexive . That microsecond of response is truly out of your control , but it still includes your nervous system in the loop . Or , for example , somebody jumps out from behind the door and scares the living daylights out of you and you scream .

That's an unconditioned , reflexive response . You did not have to do anything to create that response . All that had to happen was that stimulus was present and your body would react that way . So a little bit of a review C-T-F-A-R Circumstances , thoughts , feelings , actions and results .

This is the rendering of how I take charge of my life and how I teach my clients to take charge of theirs . I have talked a lot about this on this podcast , but I will present a slightly different version of it today , and that is C-NEAR C-N-E-A-R . This is a closer rendering for the purposes of today's podcast .

It's the same concept , just worded a different way . Circumstances that are outside of us , inert , neutral , do not cause your thoughts . Thus the dash in the acronym . Then comes our nervous system that assigns this inert stimulus a meaning . That's the N for the nervous system . Remember , our nervous system assigns the meaning .

The circumstances do not give the meaning to us . Then comes E for emotions , then A for actions and R for results C-near N-e-a-r . I have seen that people find this version easier to remember and much easier to relate to . I find it much easier for me to teach it in my coaching as well .

So anyways , c circumstance dash , n for nervous system , e for emotions , a for actions and R for results . The dash because circumstance and nervous system are independent of each other . Everything besides the circumstance is in our control .

So actions that are conditioned are a stimulus that seem to lead to an action where we don't have a conscious understanding of what our nervous system went through that led to the action . According to this formula C-NEAR , the stimulus of a bag of chips does not cause you to reach out to the bag of chips to eat them .

According to this formula , the stimulus of the bag of chips is a circumstance . It's inert until you have a thought that leads to a feeling that leads to an action of picking up the bag of chips and eat it .

The bag of chips does not cause the eating of it , because if you have a bag of chips in the house and you didn't know you had it , you can't eat it . The presence of the bag of chips does not cause the eating . You becoming aware of it with your brain leads to the eating .

Nothing outside of you causes your actions until it goes through the filter of your nervous system . This is great news because the conscious part of our nervous system is in our control . This applies to every scenario . If you've ever wondered why you can't stop watching YouTube why you can't stop scrolling on TikTok .

You told yourself you're going to stop after five minutes or one video , and it's two hours and you don't know where the time went . I use the example of the bag of chips , but you insert your situation here . A bag of chips you see it on the table . Nervous system says I want that . It looks really good .

Remember it was so crunchy and flavorful , it was like a party in your mouth . All of these thoughts lead to the emotion of desire , leading to the action of eating the chips , leading to an intense dopamine hit . C , near C , is the bag of chips . N is your nervous system's response I want it . Emotion of urge , action of eating the chips .

Result a great dopamine hit Makes it more likely to engage in the same action again . The more you answer this urge of desire every time you spot a bag of chips , the more tightly programmed the action of eating it becomes in your brain .

The mistake we make is that we think our conditioned responses are reflexive responses , like we don't have a choice but to eat the bag of chips or the box of Oreos after a stressful day , because we tell ourselves that's just how it is .

We don't have any control over it , or we tell ourselves we don't have a choice but to become small and hidden whenever there's an opportunity of visibility . Or if you have an aversion to money , that's a conditioned response . Money doesn't cause the aversion your subconscious programming does .

Programming like money causes you to move away from religion , or rich people don't have time to be spiritual . They're out creating money , not praying . Money is for others , not for me . All of these subconscious thoughts are causing your conditioned response to aversion to money and you're at a point where you don't know how to attract money in your life .

This is not reflexive . This is not automatic . You have conditioned it into yourself . It is a far cry to think of complex subconscious responses as being the same as reflexive responses . This is a dereliction of duty as a human being .

Call something automatic and shelve it as something that cannot be changed because you don't want to do the work , or you don't know that work can be done , or you don't know how to do the work . Generally , the term automatic is used to describe both conditioned and reflexive responses , but one can be reversed and the other cannot .

Reversing the unwanted conditioned responses leads to living your best life . These unwanted actions can be . I find myself scrimmaging through the pantry each evening , even when I'm not hungry . I find myself avoiding people when actually I want to make friends . I want to talk to people in gatherings or meetings , but somehow I'm not able to .

I find myself very angry at my husband . The husband does not cause the anger , it is a conditioned response and to call it reflexive is the easy way out , is the cop-out method If you are aware of your thoughts and feelings that lead to the action .

Action is not conditioned yet , but our brain , being so efficient and being such an incredible machine that it is , says what is there to think about ? A bag of chips means immediate pleasure . So it hides all of the thoughts and our feelings in our subconscious . It buries them deep down inside until we can't access them .

That's when it becomes a conditioned response . Bag of chips leads to us picking up and eating . It Seems like bag of chips caused the eating . Seems like the phone caused the hours of scrolling . Seems like a slow driver caused the cursing . Seems like the husband caused the yelling , and on and on , and we move further and further away from our best life .

Then life starts . Happen to us , not for us , this deep burying of our thoughts and feelings out of our conscious mind happens because of dopamine surge that comes as a direct result of certain actions . Eating chips , scrolling through social media all of them are designed to give very large dopamine hits , some things that our bodies have not evolved to handle .

Even yelling at the bad driver gives you the relief of anger , which creates a dopamine hit . In each situation the brain got what it wanted instant gratification . So to the brain . It's a no-brainer to automate that pathway so that each time that stimulus comes across it gets its relief Because of this dopamine hit .

Your brain would rather not waste energy thinking about how you got to this point . It just gets fixed on how to get the next hit . So if you're not living your best life , then chances are you have a whole bunch of automated actions that you have not kept in check .

These conditioned responses develop over time and the only way to decondition them is through our only point of control , which is our thoughts . So I'll tell you a very sad story about my conditioned response . When I was a kid , we were at my grandma's house and we were playing with our baby cousin and he was just a baby .

So you know how kids spit up after drinking milk . So that happened while I was playing with him and I got disgusted . But my uncle yelled across the room hey , here's your yogurt , you should eat it .

And that was such a disgusting moment for me that I have not been able to eat plain yogurt since then , because I still recall the stench of that spit up every time I look at yogurt . It is such a shame that I can't eat plain yogurt , I know , but I could decondition that response out of me if I choose to .

For now I'm good with flavored yogurt and adding some fruits and granola if I want to eat it . In my career as a physician and a coach , I come across so many people that tell me they don't know how this happened or that happened , like their actions are a mystery .

They tell me I don't know why , but every time my husband mentions this topic I get irritated . They tell me I don't know how , but even the thought of driving on highways makes me afraid . Or they tell me when I see my teenager has been on screen for hours , I start to yell . I don't know how , I don't know why .

They tell me my stomach gets upset before a big presentation . My in-laws trigger me . The exam stresses me . Seeing a homeless person makes me extremely sad , to the point of becoming non-functional , when all I want to do is help them . All of these are conditioned responses . In the name of efficiency , the brain creates a shortcut from the stimulus to response .

There is never such a thing as a stimulus causing your action . A stimulus or a circumstance always goes through your nervous system before causing a response , because if that didn't happen , it would give us such an easy get out of jail card . On the day of judgment you could say my in-laws triggered me , so I can't really be held responsible for what I did .

Ice cream made me eat it non-stop every night , so I can't be asked about gluttony . If our circumstances , objects of our environment , people in our life caused our actions , the concept of answering for our actions on the day of judgment wouldn't make any sense . Your mind is always leading to your actions through thoughts , conscious or conditioned .

Always , even and especially when the action looks automatic , it's your responsibility to look out for when and where you can take control . Deconditioning yourself for being plugged into the matrix is the method to creating a life worth living . You are always choosing what you're doing . Give yourself . Permission to choose . Complex tasks are never reflexive .

They are conditioned . Step out of the social programming long enough to understand this design , because the consumerism driven market will not help you . See this design , it will want to keep you plugged in the matrix . Get coaching if you need to Go beyond the work that comes with this podcast . Be more dedicated to this method of self-improvement .

Life coaching is spending less time on how we got here and more time on how to get out of it . Of course , there is knowledge to be gained in learning how you got here , but only to a certain extent .

What is worth all of your effort and money in the world , in my opinion , is figuring out how to get out of where you're stuck right now , not just how you got here . Coaching is future focused , worth every penny of your investment with me . Conditioning in human behavior is extremely easy to achieve , especially when the reward of the behavior is high .

Deconditioning is also easy once you know how to do it and you've done it a few times . Learning to like vegetables is a type of a conditioned response . Exposing yourself to multiple servings of food before you get to like it is a type of a conditioned response . Exposing yourself to multiple servings of food before you get to like it .

That's because you're conditioning your senses . Pleasure from food alone is an unconditioned response Reflexive you're born with it . Pleasure from hyper-engineered food like sugar , is a conditioned response .

So , like I've been saying , there are two types of automatic actions Reflexive responses , which are simple actions that are universally programmed into humans , and conditioned responses , which are more complex actions that are controlled by the brain but are not fully conscious unless attended to .

Your attention is your single most valuable commodity . Living your best life outside of the matrix will require a reversal of conditioned behaviors with your attention , and the best way to do it is coaching , directing your thoughts , not letting the thoughts direct you .

And with that I say Alhamdulillah , and I thank Allah SWT for this design , that he gave us the capacity to keep control of our actions and he gave us the knowledge of how to get it done . O Allah , I place my trust in you and turn to you in repentance . Please forgive me for my mistakes in my life and any mistakes in my teachings .

Guide all of us on the right path . Protect us from dangers of an unconscious life , protect us from all harm and grant us the strength and the wisdom to live a righteous and fulfilling life on the path of Iman . Ameen Ya Rabbul Alameen , please keep me in your duas . I will talk to you guys next time .