Let go of Shame

I can't believe tens and thousands of downloads of this podcast have already happened and I'm truly honored that you tell me that , through these downloads , this podcast is making a difference in your life , so please share and tell your friends all about it .

Today we're going to be talking about shame , an emotion that gets in the way of our life and engineers a way for us to stay small . This is what gets in the way of vulnerability , which has been shown to be the key ingredient in successful relationships , because , remember , relationships speak the language of emotions .

People unable to get in touch with their emotions struggle with those close human bonds . With their emotions struggle with those close human bonds , and that happens with a lifetime of suppressing shame . If I had one wish , I would ask for internal shame to be eliminated from the world .

Most of the world's problems that are caused by humans is because of their inability to see their self-worth , stewing in their own self-created shame and suppressing it , they create problems outwards .

Luckily , everyone is 100% worthy , but unluckily , most people forget that and act like they have to gain worth by consuming , achieving or encroaching on other people's rights . This state of ghafla , the sense of unworthiness , this subconscious state of forgetting the worth , is at the root cause of mostly all human problems we face today .

I know I know you guys will say it's not that simple , but really it is . If you don't believe the universality of these problems , it's fine . Just understand that if you do the unshaming work for yourself , it will be extremely transformative in your life , your career , your health , your relationships , all of it .

While we are on the topic of making things simple , simplified version of life as we know it on planet earth through CTFAR is extremely impactful . You can remember this alone to help you tie all of the loose strings in your life . Everything in the world can be categorized into five things CTFAR , circumstances , thoughts , feelings , actions and results .

In my coaching I spend a good amount of time helping clients understand the difference between story versus fact , a circumstance or a thought . Then people ask me what about spiritual values ? Where do they fit in this universal formula ? To that I say , god is a circumstance , an undeniable reality . Our relationship with God is through our thoughts .

That's why we can occasionally feel connected to God and other times we don't . We may be fearful of God's punishment or feel peace thinking about His mercy . In the Hadith Qudsi , allah SWT says I am what my servant thinks of me . Your thoughts about Allah is what create your relationship with him . These thoughts are supremely important .

That determines how you will view God , religion , spirituality . That will determine if you feel connected or not and you will act according to that strength of connection . A paradigm shift happens when everything makes sense because it is so simplified . It just has a calming effect .

We can just relax and focus on what matters rather than constantly trying to exert control . Where we don't have any , like other people or other things or the world , we can take rest from constantly trying to make sense of things .

So having a relationship with Allah depends on our quality of thoughts towards Him , and our quality of thoughts will create the value of faith . As a result , because of these thoughts , our state of Iman waxes and wanes . So , remembering CTFAR , god is the circumstance .

Our thoughts about Him create our feelings of strength and connection in our Iman and we act on those feelings of connection and our religious values are the result we create from those actions , and it's not like we create them once . We have to create them over and over again , sometimes with more effort than other times .

Create them over and over again , sometimes with more effort than other times . So , in every waking moment , you have to recreate your religious value by remembering the state your heart and your mind is in and connecting it back to Allah and , just like you , recreate these values . Every feeling you ever experience is also recreated in each moment .

If you have a lifelong self-shaming pattern , shame is being recreated in every moment . You are not in chronic shame , stress or guilt , but you are recreating it chronically in each moment . And you can stop this pattern by listening to this podcast , first of all , and not just by listening but applying what you hear . We think we're feeling really old feelings .

You're only feeling what your brain is creating . Now you will have memorized feelings , but they are also being recreated with automatic subconscious patterns of the brain , and this is where shame lies , constantly being recreated as a habitual response .

With this line of thinking , we can program self-worth in our subconscious mind instead of shame , and we can also program a very high faith value as our automatic pattern . Faith value as our automatic pattern , but it requires conscious work . Shame , low self-worth , low state of iman all of those are automatic habits by default . It doesn't require any effort .

Such is the nature of a human being . Unshaming work involves frequently remembering our 100% worth as a human . Remembering that having children does not make you more worthy .

Having degrees , house with a land versus an apartment , your effort , the amount of friends you have , the age you got married at , whether you're married at all or not it does not make you more or less worthy . Losing weight doesn't make you more worthy .

Remembering that Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , had no need of you just by the token that you're here , created , guarantees your 100% worth . The problem is that shame blocks this message of self-worth . If you don't think you're shaming yourself or are in shame about being yourself , answer these questions . Do you have a tendency to compulsively try to fix yourself ?

Can you recognize shame as a feeling , being an automatic response in your body ? Are you in a habit of not trusting your own feelings as accurate and reliable ? Are you not able to create self-confidence ? If something hurts , do you frequently tell yourself it wasn't a big deal or grow up and deal with it ?

Are you dismissive of your likes and dislikes and do you often say I didn't really like that anyways ? If any of these questions resonate with you , chances are you're harboring shame . Answering these questions is very important because shame affects our goals . Any goal attempted through shame is either going to be unreachable or unsustainable .

Weight loss through judgment and shame is first impossible . But even if you white-knuckle it all the way to your desired weight , it will not be sustainable . You are complete at this moment , as you will be after weight loss . It won't be better there than here , because if you judge here , you will judge there .

Way to get there is to stop judging today and become the person who has lost the weight . You don't create goal so that once you're at your target , you will have your increased self-worth . You create goals to grow . Your self-worth remains the same . Clients start to tell me you know I really don't want to lose the weight .

That really wasn't what I wanted to do . I don't really want a career . I thought I did , but I figured out that I don't . Did you figure that out or did you run out of gas and decide against it ? Shame as a gas to fuel our goals will run out .

Remember , our emotions are our fuel to every action and if we have shame pushing us to get to the goal , they will be resistant to the effort and the goal will not be sustainable . So in order to justify our relief from shame , we will say I didn't really want that goal in the first place .

I'm not hating myself , I'm not insecure , I'm just adjusting my priorities . How often have you said that to yourself ? I know I've heard that from clients over and over again . Because this provides an immediate relief from the pressure cooker of shame . It will feel better temporarily because you have stopped the torturous process of shaming yourself .

But then you'll realize the brain will generate shame for giving up on your goal . We live in a culture that teaches blatant disregard of our lived experience . It is literally infused in the air . Clients will tell me some seemingly innocent facts like I am fat , I am short , I have a high school diploma . I mean . All of these are facts .

All these descriptions have an inherent hurt in them , that just repeating these things without the acknowledgement of the hurt is harmful . But it seems like they're just stating facts to me . But before you get in a tug-of-war with me about whether these are facts or not . Repeating them as facts does not and will not make them less hurtful .

Some thoughts that might help you , on the other hand , will be I am not willing to be hurt to achieve . I'm not going to disregard my inner injury . I am not going to bypass even the smallest hurt without recognizing it . And then you'll see how much of these facts are hurting you . Tendency will be to say that this is not happening . This is just not true .

But noticing if something is injurious and see if you're disregarding your own experience of hurt because you're just accustomed to shame and you think that this is just the reality that you must live through .

Again , if you're waiting to feel better after you've accomplished the goal of weight loss , had a child , started a business , If you think it's better there than here , then you're going to be resisting here .

Let's say you want something in the future because you think that will make you feel worthy , accomplished , successful , important , but you don't feel any of those things now .

You won't be able to generate the beingness , the core , the energy or the qalb of that future self , to be able to create that future self , because you're going to be in so much lack for now You're thinking it's better there than here . However , you think you're going to feel when you get there is how you have to feel now in order to get there .

This is going to be the sustainable fuel to get you to your goal . It's counterintuitive because we're coming at it as if I will feel better when I have lost the weight , but I have to live in the shame of my weight now . But the reality is that you have to feel better now in order to lose the weight .

You cannot use feelings of inadequacy , inferiority and shame to get you to where you want to go . You have to become the person that has accomplished the goal in order to get to the goal .

If you have a specific way that you tell a story about the world , that's how you will experience the world . Specific way that you tell a story about the world , that's how you will experience the world . If shame is that story , that's how you will think , feel and act .

If you think the world is a scary , terrible place , you will see the world as a scary , terrible place . If you think the world is an amazingly abundant place , that's how you will see the world to be . The brain cannot take in all the information that the world around us is providing . It has to filter data coming in , otherwise it would go into overdrive .

So it filters through the lens of how we think things are , and most commonly that lens is that of shame . Currently , as we speak , most humans of the world inadvertently approach their goals from shame and not enoughness In shame . You just want to fix things . Let me fix my weight , my complexion , my dark circle , my accent , my income , my marital status .

But things don't need to change because they need fixing . They can change because you want them to . You want to up-level your lived experience , and that can be the sole reason why you want to change things . You want to explore , create , empathize your way to a better and better life .

The process of de-shaming is a self-focused process , asking what hurts , what grieves , what angers you , that is inside of you . That is all about interpersonal intelligence , because empathy is the antidote for that . Empathy , not self-pity . What do you do with internalized oppression ? It starts with humanizing yourself , treating yourself as a valued human being .

Recognize that shaming as a motivator has been at the core message of society Fat shaming , age shaming , body shaming . The hierarchical society says some things . Some people are better than others . Some beliefs , some weight , some age , some religion is better than others .

Shame creates a disconnection with our body because of this messaging and we cover the shame up as if we don't even have it and it festers inside , going from what I am doing is ugly to what I'm thinking is ugly , to what I am is ugly . You have to register certain societal messages as things you don't like .

You have to register certain societal messages as things you don't like . If someone tells me with a well-meaning intention Dr K , I love everything you're saying , but your eyebrows are too thin .

The ad that you ran , where the Muslim woman wasn't wearing any sleeves , that means that you don't know what Islam is about and all of those things can be hurtful to me . My work starts with acknowledging the hurt . People's comments don't cause my shame , but I have to register it as shame .

I still attribute it to my thinking , but I take inventory of every time I feel it People might be saying things from a well-intentioned place . I don't like the way you talk . I don't like the way you dress . I don't like the way you dress . I don't like who you are , what you're about , what your message is about .

I really don't think people freely passing their opinions are evil people . But I do have to register when I feel shame . I do have to acknowledge that I didn't like what happened in my body as a response . There is so much simplicity in this method .

All you have to do is keep a directory of harm felt in your body , because if you don't keep score , your body will , and the subconscious mind will , translate it into ongoing shame . So what that looks like is this Imagine something is being said to you by a person or a TV commercial or by a group of people who are in cultural agreeableness .

From whatever source you get this message be in tune with what your somatic response was . How did it land for you ? So now I'm going to give you a stepwise approach to this . Step one is to register the shame that is felt at your body's level , and we already talked about that .

Step two is to recognize that your nervous system is what generates that shame , in response to the stimulus . The stimulus is always neutral . Shame comes from your thoughts . But register if someone's words made you think shameful thoughts .

It might have been a trigger of a memory , it might have been a trigger of an internalized experience , but it did come through your thoughts . Sometimes it is so internalized that you can't even identify a source , and that's because it's just a constant dialogue .

It's just a comment and it might be coming from a comment or a billboard , and it happens every day , all day . It could be innocent comments , like you'd be prettier if you put a hijab on or you'd be prettier if you took the hijab off . Lose some weight , gain some weight . If any of those comments are making your nervous system create shame , recognize that .

That's what's happening . If anything anyone says is registered by your nervous system as shame , acknowledge that . So step one is to register shame . Step two is to recognize that . That's your response . Step three is to stay out of intellectualizing or explaining it . Yes , I should be losing weight .

Yes , I think that person meant well when they said don't give my baby formula . Stay out of justifying why someone would do or say certain things to you . As soon as you go from your body's experience to justifying other people's actions or comments , either accepting them or blaming them , you have left the awareness of your body .

This awareness is your only protection against internalizing that shame . Don't leave that space of awareness too soon . Don't be quick to rationalize and intellectualize the wrong . This acknowledgement of shame is a form of boundary setting with yourself , because we are so accustomed to accepting shaming thoughts that we think it's just normal .

This is about becoming unaccustomed to accepting shaming thoughts . So again , step one register shame . Recognize that . It's your response . Step three is to stay out of intellectualizing it long enough that it registers in your body . Step four is to trust your body's wisdom and do what you need to heal that shame .

It could be therapy , it could be coaching , it could be a bubble bath , it could be removing yourself from the situation . It could be confronting the person and telling them that it's not acceptable . You're going to find out , as a result of the person and telling them that it's not acceptable .

You're going to find out , as a result of the hurt and the injury , that you might want to lie down . Through this process , you're going to find out , as a result of the hurt and the injury , what is it that you need to heal ? You might want to lie down and rest for two hours or for two days .

You might want to flee the situation or you might want to fight . Or do you fall into pleasing mechanisms so that you conform to the norms , so that other people don't have a chance to hurt you .

You're gonna find out all of these primitive reactions if you just make space for it , and there's nothing wrong with finding out which of these reactions you're choosing . They are a recovery mechanism built in by nature for a reason , so that we can repair and rejuvenate . In other words , they're the fight , flight , freeze and fawn response .

Questions that are brought to me by clients are what do I do with X when X is some kind of inner criticism ? I try to teach them why are you believing X in the first place , but the client is seeing it as a fact . Clients are usually so accustomed to this inner criticism that it sounds like the truth about them .

They'll justify being hurt because they've gotten used to the punishment . If that's you , I want you to follow steps one through four until you become unaccustomed to accepting shame in your body , until you see that X is not a fact . This is to undo systemic oppression , and we have to develop our capacity as a human to do that , recognizing your worth .

Treat yourself as a valued human being , with dignity that Allah granted you . If you are bypassing this , you will not be able to see the Rahmah of Allah , you will be in repetitive injurious cycle . Acknowledge your hurt from having your back and having empathy , not from self-pity .

The more of that work you do , the more capacity you will develop to see God's mercy , the more capacity you'll have to hear other people's opinions about you and you will have a less tendency to place blame . So , once again , the steps are notice your somatic response and digest it . Next is notice that it's your response .

If resistance that comes up against it , just give voice to it . Next step is notice the tendency to intellectualize and rationalize any blame . And the next step is to notice what your body recommends will be helpful to you in the midst of that hurt and follow through with that recommendation . This is a universal technique .

I developed this because I get all sorts of questions what should I do in my situation ? But I have this unique circumstance . Can you give me the method of how I should handle this ? But the method is the same . If more and more questions come up for you as a result of this work , chances are you are more in your brain than in your body .

Give your subjective experience the highest authority , give it the highest regard . Stay in curiosity with it , curiosity of what your body is telling you there is no agenda there and follow steps one through four .

I have a feeling with time you will step into your deeper wisdom , because this is exactly what happens with my clients over and over again . When you hold yourself in deep regard , without the judgment and shame of your heart , a deeper wisdom inside of you gets to rise and it guides you moving forward . That gift is for you to keep .

It doesn't come from me , it doesn't come from this podcast , it doesn't come from any other authority but you . This is what your soul was created for and this is because your soul was created as such . With that , I pray that Allah SWT give all of us the means to discover our inner wisdom and help us step out of the state of ghafla and shame .

May Allah grant us all the mind power to get over our default patterns . I pray for all of you to have a successful de-shaming journey , inshallah . Please keep me in your draz . I will talk to you guys next time .