Keeping Ties of Kinship

He's talking about your emotional evolution . Allah SWT is handing you a personal development curriculum on how to love when love feels impossible . You are not being asked to tolerate abuse , which is how most of these teachings are being misused right now .

You're being asked to develop a surgical precision in your emotional responses , to learn how to feel fury and still act from faith . To be surrounded by people who misunderstand you , minimize you , maybe even mistreat you , and still choose boundaries over bitterness . All of that is not for them . That's for you .

Keeping ties of kinship is for your emotional and mental health , and that's what I'm going to describe to you today in this podcast .

If you hold on to your dignity in a room full of people who only want chaos , if you can stand in your values when someone else is doing everything in their power to make you feel worthless , that's when you know that you're growing .

That's when you know your emotional intelligence is real , not performative , not convenient , not Instagrammable , but real , revolutionary , something that's for you In the Quran , surah 47 , ayat 22, . It says so . Would you perhaps , if you turned away , cause corruption on earth and sever your ties of kinship ?

The Messenger of Allah said the one who severs his family ties will not enter paradise . A sahih hadith in Bukhari and Muslim . When Allah says , don't cut ties , he is not trapping you into toxic dynamics , which is our binary , black and white thinking brain thinks . It says . Allah is refining you .

He is giving you the chance to access parts of yourself that you've never met before . And every time you choose compassion over contempt , every time you're not letting anyone walk all over you , you're proving that your soul is stronger than your ego . You are refining yourself . To define this soul refining work , I created a term , what I call affectionship .

It's almost spiritual technology , a high frequency kinship that's rooted in affection , not performance . When you choose to love someone , not because they're easy to love , but because you are grounded and elevated , connected . That's when you're entering into a state that upgrades you . This is a state when your body is secreting oxytocin , serotonin , dopamine .

Your nervous system learns to shift from survival to safety . You're doing something righteous and you're doing something that's regulating for yourself , something that's healing . You might think that this affectionship is for their benefit , but the real transformation is happening inside of you .

Your thoughts get clearer , your heart softens , your sense of self expands , and the irony is that the more you love , the more you receive . The more affection you give , the more ease your body is going to feel . Affectionship is your divine

feedback loop . You give out what you wish existed in the world and in doing so , you become the proof that it exists .

This is why I believe Allah commands you to keep the ties of kinship , not to fix them , but to feel what love does to you , what kind of healing it provides , and this kind of healing especially happens when you think the other person does not deserve this affection .

Keeping ties of kinship is absolutely an act of obedience , of course , as we can see from the direct commandments from Allah SWT , from the Prophet and the Quran . But it is also your curriculum , a divine syllabus on how much love you can create for someone inside your heart not theirs , yours .

That's the real test , because most people think relationships live outside of them . They think that relationships is what someone else says about you or what they do around you , but your relationship with anyone your mother , your child , your spouse , your colleague is inside of you .

It's a story , a thought that your brain is telling you about them on repeat , and every feeling you have towards a person that you are in a relationship with is manufactured in your mind . And as a consequence of those thoughts that are manufactured in your mind , you feel the emotions Love , resentment all come from thoughts .

Disappointment , anger , closeness , warmth all of these are thought generated and these thoughts that build emotional patterns get stored in your nervous system . That's why , when someone you love walks into the room , your body responds before your mouth or your mind does . And along the same lines .

If you want to improve your relationships with people , and along the same lines , if you want to improve your relationships with people , stop trying to change them . Start changing your internal story , your narrative , start upgrading your thoughts , not for their sake , but because toxic thoughts cost you .

They cost you your peace , your presence , your oxytocin , a very healing hormone . It costs you a lot more than you know . When you change the quality of your thoughts about that person , the emotional tone of your relationship also changes the state that your body lives in , around them , when thinking of them changes .

And all of this happens even if the other person never gets the memo , even if the other person never finds out what you're doing . This almost feels like magic , but it's not . It's neurobiology , it's your own spiritual mastery , because in cases like this , you've gone from reacting to creating .

When you feel grounded in love not performative love , but real , anchored love you gain access to things that most people never even know exist , which is clean boundaries .

Boundaries that don't come from anger , boundaries that don't reek of punishment or control , boundaries that say I am protecting myself . This is why I'm doing this . I am not doing this to punish you . This level of love and affection does not mean you excuse their disrespect . It does not mean you condone their behavior .

It just means you don't let their behavior drag you down into disrespect with them .

Because if you're standing in love , especially if you're trying to guard your own peace , when you speak and when you lay your boundaries , you say if you talk to me like that , again I will leave the room , I will pause the conversation , and your thought process behind this can be that it's not to punish them but to protect you .

You can say this out loud or never tell them , it's up to you . But that's the power , that's the clarity , that's the self-respect and self-love in action , which is why keeping up ties of kinship is a divine order .

All of this falls apart the minute your boundary turns into a way to control someone else's behavior , a way to give an ultimatum , kind of like if you do this , then I'll make you pay . This is not a boundary . This is a game of weaponizing your and their emotions , and then you attempt to heal from that which is never going to happen .

Boundaries from anger are just explosions waiting for a target . Your boundaries from love are sacred and they're very architecturally sound . They create safety , they teach people how to treat you and , most importantly , they remind you how to move into your own growth . So , no , you never let anybody speak to you in a disrespectful way .

You never let anybody cross your personal boundaries . But you also don't burn the house down to prove your point . You build a gate . You let certain people walk through it . When you truly realize that boundaries don't require punishment , but a certain side of love , you realize how energetically efficient it is .

That's exactly what happened to me in my life when I started creating boundaries from love and respect for myself and humanity at large , it became extremely easy . When you create boundaries from hate , resentment , judgment . They are very expensive emotions . They burn out the person who's holding them All the while .

If you're the one holding them and you think that it's going to hurt other people , it does not . You are the one who gets depleted , trying to set boundaries from the place because they turn into punishment rather than protection . I personally reserve this kind of emotional labor for the people that are closest to me , and even then it's not out of obligation .

It's because I've trained myself to choose love as a form of clarity . This energy of love is what lets you create boundaries that don't cost you your peace . Now , before setting a boundary , I always ask what is the emotional fuel behind this boundary ? If it's exhaustion or revenge , then it's not clean .

But if it's love and respect , starting from myself and for the other person , if it's a form of affection , then it's going to be a very clean , strong boundary and it's going to be sustainable . It's going to leave me with a sense of well-being and , yes , I've done this more than once in the learning process where I called something a boundary .

But if I'm being completely honest , it really wasn't . It was just a silent ultimatum , a behavioral contract , a subconscious rule that said if you don't change , I will suffer .

So I definitely need for you to change so that I can finally feel okay , and that I labeled as growth and boundary and healing , but really underneath it was still an attempt to control All of it , just dressed up in a nicer language , in a spiritualized way . What helped me realize the truth is that I was emotionally hooked . I wasn't free .

I was constantly checking for their response during my boundary setting process , ruminating if they understood or not , feeling resentful when they didn't act differently , and it was completely exhausting .

This is the type of energy that I'm trying to bring your attention to Something that's going to drain you versus something that's going to uplift you , empower you and help you feel at peace . Fake boundaries are so much more draining than no boundaries at all . They keep you in hypervigilance because your peace still depends on other people's actions .

Real boundaries feel like peace . You don't need to defend them . You don't need to watch how they respond . You don't need to defend them . You don't need to watch how they respond . You don't need to argue with yourself about whether you are right in setting them or not

. You just know that this is what I need for my own emotional safety and I choose it from love , not from fear , not from manipulation . Some of the common thoughts that are angry , that masquerade as boundaries that you might want to pay attention to . He should know better . I shouldn't have to explain this . She's old enough to understand .

These thoughts sound very mature and reasonable and especially they sound justified . But they are just resentment in disguise . They don't come from love . They're very energetically costly for you as a person . They come from an innocent looking belief that if someone really cared , they would read your mind and behave accordingly .

And when they don't , or even if you verbalize what you want and they still don't behave accordingly , you use that disappointment as a license to withdraw , to snap or to hold a grudge . And then you try to call it a boundary . And then you come to coaching and you say I can't set a boundary . I don't know what's wrong . What you're doing .

There is not a boundary , it's a power struggle dressed up in self-respect . The problem with these types of power struggle boundaries is that they come from thoughts that aren't necessarily untrue . All your thoughts are true because they're there . What makes your thought true is if you decide to believe it or not . So it's not about gaslighting you .

All of your thoughts are valid and maybe even correct , depending on what you choose to pay attention to . The problem is that some thoughts shift your energy from correction to control . They create bitterness , and bitterness is expensive .

It drains your nervous system , it clouds your judgment , it erodes your ability to set a boundary from love , because you're already swimming in judgment , and judgment is not a strong foundation of any action . A real boundary does not sound like . You should already know this .

It sounds like here's what I will do to stay safe , regardless of what you know or don't know , regardless of what you do or don't do . You don't have to wait for them to get it .

Through this curriculum of keeping ties of kinship , creating boundaries from love , you are rooted enough to walk your walk without needing them to change , because they are going to be responsible to the answer to their actions . It's not your responsibility . So keep yourself clean from that energy .

If your quote-unquote boundary leaves you emotionally spinning , ruminating or secretly hoping that they feel bad , spinning , ruminating or secretly hoping that they feel bad , you are not free . You're still hooked . Your freedom is the whole point of this divine order .

So how do you feel love for someone , or affection for someone who's disrespected you , without gaslighting yourself , without pretending it didn't hurt , without dissolving into people-pleasing or spiritual bypassing ? You do that by start telling the truth . You don't minimize their behavior , you don't excuse it . You name it clearly .

That was disrespectful , that crossed the line , that hurt . You give yourself full permission to feel the pain of it , because ignoring it doesn't make you stronger , it just makes you disconnected from yourself . But this is what the real shift is . You don't stop at naming it . You also choose not to attach to it . You don't victimize yourself in it .

You don't make their behavior reflection of your worth . You don't use it as evidence that you are unlivable or small , because this is the trap people fall in after they acknowledge the other person's disrespect . You see their behavior for what it is A wound in them , not a wound in you . And this is what most of my clients are missing .

Feeling love does not mean you deny the reality of hurt and danger . It means refusing to be ruled by someone else's emotional immaturity . It means you can hold the full weight of someone else's shortcomings and still choose to pee and still choose peace . It does not mean you don't retaliate if that's what you need to do .

It does not mean you don't tap into appropriate resources to be able to hold them accountable . It just means that you don't lose your peace over it . And this is not weakness , this is spiritual strength . This is the part of you that trusts Allah to balance the scales , regardless of how you want to pursue the outcome of their mistreatment and their behavior .

If you want to forgive , if that's available to you , or if you want to hold them accountable , do that through clean boundaries . And this is not you excusing them . This is you elevating yourself . Sometimes what helps me is that this person is struggling . They've forgotten who they are .

They're operating from pain , not from principle , and sometimes these thoughts are enough to create some empathy in me . And with that

empathy comes my emotional oxygen , just enough for me to stay grounded so I can start to take the appropriate actions moving forward . Maybe that enough emotional oxygen is going to be you remembering that their behavior is not evidence of your inadequacy , it's evidence of theirs . And my favorite anchoring thought is that this has nothing to do with my worth .

That one sentence shifts the entire point of view . It reminds me that I can witness harm without absorbing it . I can call accountability without internalizing harm . I can respond from clarity instead of reacting from pain .

And when I respond from that place , I don't just protect the relationship , I protect my nervous system , my dignity , my connection to Allah and my spirituality . There's a big difference between excusing somebody's behavior and creating compassionate understanding around it . Excusing says it's fine , it didn't matter , I'll let it go , it wasn't a big deal .

This is you gaslighting yourself because you don't want to admit that this was hurtful , or you don't know what to do with that hurt , or you're afraid of the consequences that the other person will face . If you do decide to follow through , no matter how much you try to gaslight yourself , your body will still know . Your body holds the truth .

It will let you know at some point that you're engaging in spiritual bypassing . That's a survival mode dressed up in spiritual language . But when you choose to love someone while still holding the truth that what they did was painful or wrong , the most radical thing that happens is that your identity starts to shift .

You become someone who doesn't need to erase the pain to hold peace . You become someone who can hand people their emotional baggage , hold them accountable without picking all of that weight up yourself . You begin to trust your own perception more than you're trusting their interpretation of you . You stop flinching at their opinions . You start walking with softness .

That's not naive , that's rooted like steel . Because love does not require closeness always . It doesn't mean access . Keeping ties of kinship does not mean physical proximity . It does not mean that you have to stay in the room if your spirit is being crushed there .

Keeping ties of kinship means that you're elevating your thoughts about the other person and in that case , sometimes , especially in the face of abuse , distance is the most loving boundary you can create .

And in that case , honoring Allah's command not to sever ties of kinship means that you stay in prayer , prayer for yourself , for them , to ask for your forgiveness for theirs . You try to create quiet empathy . And if that happens when you're not in proximity of the other person , then that's not failure , that's not cutting ties of kinship .

So if you've been listening to this podcast for a while , you already know that I don't believe in shallow fixes . So far in this episode , we've covered nervous system regulation . We've talked about how your body carries your boundaries before your actions show it . But I also want to give you a reminder that might land differently . Your pause is more powerful than

any pressure . That moment of pause , right after somebody says something triggering , dismissive or downright disrespectful , your nervous system will try to hijack you . You'll feel the surge , the urge to snap , to defend , to say the thing that finally will make them understand . And you can do all of that .

But what actually protects you in the moment is not perfect comeback , it's your pause , and that five seconds sometimes is all it takes for you to shift from survival to sovereignty and freedom . That pause might be exactly what breaks the generational cycle .

It might be what you need to create clean boundaries around that behavior , just so that doesn't become another trauma . Keeping your ties of kinship is a religious teaching , because it is your emotional gym , a divine training program of mastery in the self .

This is where Allah sends you the exact same people who you need in your life for that emotional refinement . This is not to punish you , this is to strengthen you and hopefully in this podcast so far I've made a case in point to convince you of that .

This curriculum is to stretch your heart , to widen your capacity , to show you what it means to love for Allah's sake , not for your convenience . You , as a human being that is evolved and is working with your soulful intelligence , does not cut ties . Your ego cuts ties , and this Dean is not a path of ego feeding .

It's a path of ego training , a path that turns this pain into wisdom and even into profit . Hopefully this podcast gave you enough material to turn distance into your dignity and boundaries into worship .

When you commit to keeping ties with whatever level of closeness and physical proximity is safe for you , you're saying to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala I choose love over ego , I choose elevation over explanation , and I choose you , o Allah , and that is the real win . With that , I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala . O Allah , soften my heart without breaking it .

Teach me how to love from wholeness , not from obligation . Let my boundaries reflect your mercy , not my ego . Ya Allah , when I am disrespected , anchor me in dignity . When I want to cut ties , remind my ego that you are refining me , not punishing me .

Replace my bitterness with wisdom and create profit out of this curriculum that will benefit me in the afterlife . Ya Allah , don't let my soul be heavy with unspoken pain . Let my peace speak louder than my reaction and make my love as a sign of your mercy around me . Ameen , ya Rabbul , ameen , please keep me in your da'as .

I will talk to you guys next time .