Judgment

If you ever find yourself with a sentence in your head about somebody else that sounds like a judgment , stop and ask what does that mean about you ? My spouse never supports me Statement of judgment . Pay attention to where you are not supporting yourself . My boss is uptight and won't promote me . Ask where you're being uptight . My teenager is disrespectful .

Ask where you are disrespectful . All these statements of judgments are a reflection of you . We have a very sophisticated bundle of neurons in the base of our brain called the reticular activating system . You can remember it by RAS , or RAS for short . Its main purpose in life is to filter out information that is incoming from our environment .

There is so much information coming in from all of our senses every second of every day that if we were to process all of it , our body would not be able to meet the brain's fuel requirement .

It will be extremely inefficient and if you know anything about the brain , you know that it is an extremely efficient machine , so part of its job is to filter information that it presents to us , so we are not in overdrive all the time . And the way it does that is that it looks for information from the external world that is being fed internally .

If you are looking to buy a car , all of a sudden one certain type of car will appear more frequently on the roads . The number of that car on the road is the same . You are just paying attention to it more .

We recently did a project for my kid's school where we cultured monarch butterflies by buying milkweed plants , and while we were successful in that project , I started noticing how many more monarch butterflies there are compared to any other kind , and in general , I just started noticing more butterflies . The amount of butterflies in our backyard was the same .

I was just noticing them more because my brain was primed for it . This is called a frequency illusion . Once you tell your brain what's important , it will feed you information only related to that from your environment . Similarly , when it comes to seeing faults in others , that is because our brain is primed for it .

How are we priming our brain for that we are having these thoughts about ourselves , consciously or subconsciously . I wouldn't notice anybody with curly hair , unless I am insecure about mine . My brain has many other things it can notice , but it pays attention to only somebody else's curly hair .

One time I took my kids to the park and I saw a mother scrolling on her phone . Her toddler son was trying to get her attention to play with her . Immediately , my thoughts were she is so consumed with her social media she can't even pay attention to her son . Immediate judgment came in my head .

But that sentence was so short-lived that I didn't even pay attention to it . It just gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach . It wasn't until later , when we were home and I had a chance to process that event , I figured out that I had actually passed a judgment on that woman , and then I started to reflect on what did that mean for me ?

And lo and behold , it was about my own insecurities around how much time I spend with my children . Why this insight is important will become clear shortly . So I would have never seen that woman through a lens of judgment unless I was primed for it .

That sentence of judgment gave me an insight about myself , and that is what this podcast is all about how you use your external projection of others to reform your character . This is a very cool technique when practiced and applied . If you think your cousin is always running after the latest gadget , then chances are that you have the same desires .

If you think that your friend is money hungry , chances are you've been subconsciously dancing around the thoughts about money as well . What you see in others is what you believe about yourself . You are primed to look for people who are money hungry because you're coming from a place of scarcity around money in your own life .

Maybe you're not telling yourself that in the exact same language . You're not saying I'm money hungry , but you're having similar thoughts about not having enough money , concentrating on how to make more money , or you're in a place of lack or scarcity about money . So when the extremely powerful machine of a brain looks outwards at others , it has a filter on .

It sees others chasing after money . It will not show you that the same friend that you labelled as money hungry also happens to be a good mother . The same is true in all of the positive attributes you want to adapt . You will see many people frequently doing their ibadah properly .

If you are content with your ibadah , you will see many people doing volunteer work , if you are content with your charitable time donation . But mostly this trait is more prominent about our insecurities , because that is the way of the shaitan right we catch on to negative cognitions more frequently and deeply than to positive ones .

So for myself , at any moment , if I find that I'm in judgment of others , I quickly write it down because it's a teaching moment for me , and if you know anything about me , you know it's important to write things down because your brain plays tricks on you and makes your thoughts disappear . This is a method to pay attention to your critique about others .

This is a very honest and raw method of seeing the truth about yourself and luckily it is a self-correction method that nobody ever has to find out about . You can do it all day and not another soul will ever find out . This is a beautiful thing about character refinement it is a very private matter .

So judgment for others is a tool for our own character refinement . Whatever judgment I have for others is coming from my own beliefs , my own reality that I've created for myself .

If I don't pay close attention to these sentences , they will continue to be subtle and subconscious and I will continue to operate from that judgment for others and especially for myself , and that is a very disempowering way to live . You can never create any meaningful change from that space . So writing it down makes it real .

If it stays in my head , there's a higher chance that my lower brain will reject it in spirit of self-preservation . So during this work my lower brain screams bloody murder in an attempt to hide these thoughts , to avoid discomfort and to ward off the perceived threat . It is just the lower brain doing its job . In that moment .

I just repeat thoughts like it's okay , it's not the end of the world , we are just looking at it to see where it came from . We are just being curious . Another approach is that judgment towards others is in the action line of the formula C-T-F-A-R . Circumstances lead to thoughts . That lead to feelings , actions and eventually create results .

Judgment is in the A-line . It can have different feelings and emotions related to it , mostly self-righteousness , pride or even discomfort . Feelings come from a thought , usually a sentence , like she shouldn't be doing that . We've been judging people for so long that those neurons are hardwired .

The whole process happens so fast that these thoughts are mostly subconscious , and it becomes so automatic that we find ourselves in the action line of a judgment model , rolling our eyes , shaking our heads , removing ourselves from the situation because we are uncomfortable With practice .

I've been able to notice judgment , either for myself or for others , as soon as a sensation arises related to it . That makes me alert . So I start paying attention to the story that I'm telling myself and the sentences and the thoughts become clear . You can do the same by paying attention to these sentences .

When you are in a judgment model , finding out these sentences are the key to controlling the outcome . If you find a judgment about others , turn the language around and see where it's true for you . That mother should be paying more attention to her kids . Translated into I should be paying more attention to the kids . Ask yourself is that true ? How is it true ?

Where am I lagging in my knowledge about myself , that my brain is projecting this sort of judgment towards others ?

If you're truly honest with yourself , if you're truly vulnerable , if you drop your defense mechanism that your lower brain creates , and if you answer those questions honestly without failure , you'll find out that those sentences are actually true about you .

You are believing these statements about yourself at some level , leading your brain to find evidence for it in the external world , your brain's reticular activating system at work . I call it the ridiculous activating system because of all the ridiculous levels of efficiency it works with and the ridiculousness it feeds us because of the priming .

No , but in all honesty , we need that system intact because without it we will be in information overload and we won't be able to function . You know , I am just in awe of the brain and Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala's design , subhanallah . So the information that it feeds you will seem ridiculous , except you can use that as an introspection tool .

So for me , in the example of that woman from the park , it was really about my insecurity of not being able to spend enough time with my children . From there , I was able to evaluate is it true , is it really true that I don't spend enough time with my children ? Maybe yes , maybe no . I can re-evaluate and see what my weaknesses are .

What changes do I need to make ? So in this case , as a result , I made a promise to myself to sit with my kids at the eye level whenever I'm talking to them and I give them one strong , genuine praise a day , without fail . That satisfied my self-judgment and something very constructive came out of it .

Most of us will have a natural inclination to block out that type of insight about ourselves and we will come up to a conclusion that no , I don't have any such judgments about myself , and mostly that is a defense mechanism that your lower brain is designed to create to give you a feeling of protection and self-preservation .

But in cases like this , this type of defense mechanism is detrimental . First of all , because we miss out on such a huge growth opportunity . In this case , just tell your brain everything's okay , nothing has gone wrong here . You're just curious as to what you can find out and what you can do about it .

And second of all and most importantly , because judgment for others is only holding you back . Judgment for others does not affect them one bit . You will not be able to create any meaningful change from a place of judgment . Stay curious . Keep asking questions . I thought that employee was lazy . What was that about ? I thought my boss was being extra feisty .

What was that about ? I think my teenager is being disrespectful . What is that about ? Again , one benefit of asking these types of questions is that you can self-correct . But an even bigger benefit of asking these questions is that you can change the situation from within you . You do not have control over your employee , over your boss , over your teenager .

They are your circumstance , they are outside of you , they are outside of your control . The only thing you have control over is your thoughts . If you're in judgment of others , you can never expect them to do what you actually want them to do . Employee will do what they want and possibly get fired .

Your boss won't be treating you any better if you react to her from a place of judgment . Your teenager won't be more respectful towards you if she senses judgment from your part . So in these cases we utilize judgment as a magnifying glass , as a tool of curiosity towards ourself .

Once you have gained that insight , not only can you fuel your own growth but , more importantly , you can eventually feel compassion and empathy towards others . You can finally come to a place of understanding their point of view , and that is a much more powerful space to create change from .

Employee Situation I understand you want to clock out at 4 to be with your family , but how can we approach this so your work is not affected ? Boss Situation I understand you are under a lot of pressure from corporate , but how can we help your situation as a team Teenager situation ?

I know you don't want curfew at 10pm , but how can we approach this so you are safe and can still spend time with your friends ? You can only cultivate compassion and understanding once you step out of judgment . That is the only way to command respect .

You could never create a culture of respect from a place of judgment , no matter how polite you pretend to sound in that moment . If you're faking politeness when you're actually feeling judgment , you're not only lying to yourself , you're creating more resentment . Both of these are detrimental to your relationships like the rust that eats iron from inside out .

So I'm guessing you've never heard judgment being described to you this way , where you are using it to cultivate positive change in your life . You've never heard this approach where you can actually use judgment of others , turn it on its head and use it for your own character improvement and refinement .

But this is what we do at Islamic Life Coach School , don't we ? We use non-traditional methods of self-improvement . I bet you've never heard of judgment being utilized this way . But I say , if our brain is going to feed us this information regardless , then why not use it instead of blocking it out ? Don't fight the design of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala .

Why not utilize it for our benefit ? Have the RAS working for you rather than you working for the RAS ? The same RAS . When you decide to quit sugar , you notice the bakery down the street every day , even when the bakery's been there for 10 years and the cupcakes never seem more delicious .

Because , in an attempt to try and avoid sugar , your brain is primed to look for sugar . Another insight here is that when you say my spouse doesn't support me , ask yourself Are you supporting yourself ? Can you support yourself ? Why is the spousal support and approval so important to you ? You cannot get your spouse to support you from judgment .

On a deep level , you are in judgment about your own ability to support yourself . Beautiful thing about this revelation is that you can actually do something about your own self-judgment . That is in your control , through your thoughts . A little disclaimer here I'm not suggesting that you go actively looking for judgment for other people .

No , that's not what I'm suggesting at all . Just because you learned this cool self-refinement tool . I'm just saying that it is natural and it happens , so you can use it for your benefit next time you notice it , especially because character refinement is emphasized heavily in Islam , I cannot do justice to its importance . Surah Ar-Ra 13 , part of the ayah 11 .

Indeed , allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves . You cannot expect your situation to change unless you work on your character . You have to do the internal work . You have to work on refining your thoughts and character .

Abu hurairah reports that prophet of allah peace be upon him said if one has good manners , one may attain the same level of merit as those who spend their nights in prayer .

Another hadith reported , abu Huraira said I heard Abu al-Qasim , the prophet upon him be peace , say the best among you in Islam are those with the best manners , as long as they develop a sense of understanding . Our character is our best mirror . It is the best tool for da'wah . For most of us , it is the only tool to show others what Islam is all about .

It is extremely important to refine your character with every tool at your disposal . And with that I want to wrap up this episode . But before I do that , I want to ask you to please leave me a review on iTunes .

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at all . I want to end with a dua for the Muslim nation and humanity at large . I pray that we become of the best character possible . I pray that we keep the Prophet's character as our guide .

One reported hadith Prophet peace be upon him said God has sent me as an apostle so that I may demonstrate perfection of the character , refinement of manners and superiority in behavior . May Allah make us of those who strive for the perfection of character through the tools at our disposal .

I ask Allah that we are able to see humanity without judgment , without concerns of jealousy , competition and worldly gains . May Allah protect us from all of these character diseases , from bodily ailments and from the diseases of the heart . Please remember me in your Daraahs . I will talk to you guys next time .