Introduction: Life coaching model

I prefer to go by Dr K because it eliminates the opportunity for people to mispronounce my name . A lot of people call me Gunwall , which is not right . Also , my high school teachers had a tendency of calling me Cornwall . That's definitely not it . You can call me Dr K because my married last name is Kamal and my siblings always called me K growing up .

Or you can call me Sister K or you can call me K . Or you can call me Sister K , or you can call me K or you can call me Kamal , definitely not Khanwal . I've created Islamic Life Coach School in this podcast because during the collective experience of the pandemic , while it brought turmoil and uncertainty , it also forced me to slow down .

I've always been a fan of the self-help industry and during this process of slowing down , I discovered life coaching . After going through many life coaching concepts , I came across one that completely changed my life , like turned it upside down on its head , a complete 180 degree turn .

So at the Islamic Life Coach School , I'll teach you this tool and this concept in an Islamic context . But before I give you this tool that changed my life and has the potential of changing many more lives , let me tell you what life coaching is .

Life coaching as an industry developed over the past few decades , so relatively new , and it is a way to get help from a more experienced person about issues that might be personal , professional or even spiritual .

What life coaching is not is that it isn't a profession where we can diagnose or treat mental pathology like schizophrenia , bipolar disorder , major depression or other things like that .

One thing I want to clarify is that , while I am a licensed physician and I have the ability to diagnose and treat these disorders , I will not be doing so through my efforts of life coaching .

Now , some of you that are listening to this your thoughts will immediately go to oh , but I am actually depressed too bad , she can't help me , and to that , my friends , I'll tell you that I can help you and you are most likely not suffering from clinical depression , and life coaching can help you in a way that you didn't even think was possible .

Now , if you do have a mental health diagnosis and are functional on medications or with psychotherapy , life coaching can help you excel at your life . Licensed mental health professionals can help people come out of the proverbial hole in the ground of the disease process , while life coaches can help people excel at their life .

Once that hole has been leveled , there's a major difference . They do not compete with each other and both of these professions have their place . Life coaching is not a regulated industry , meaning anyone can call themselves a life coach and even create their own certification program .

This is highly contrasted from all the mental health professions such as psychotherapists , social workers , psychologists , psychiatrists . All of these professions are heavily regulated and have strict licensing procedures and restrictions , where the professional usually cannot practice out of their own state lines .

Life coaching is about gaining emotional intelligence , mind management , reaching goals that you create for yourself and living a life where you're present 100% of the time . You're present with your family , for your children , for your religion , for your profession and actually being happy and feeling fulfilled .

This is in contrast to living a life feeling you haven't given enough or done enough or you aren't enough , feeling like you're always too busy , too short or too reactive in situations . You can be your own life coach . Actually , contrary to popular opinion , life coaches do not make clients dependent on the coach .

They give the clients tool to be able to coach themselves and practice the skills with them until they have mastered the skill . And at the Islamic Life Coach School , I will teach thought regulation through a powerful tool . So what is this tool that I keep talking about ? Now ?

This will require some attention For those of you listening to this in the background while doing another task . This is where you want to pay attention . So here we go . Are you ready for this Drum roll , please ? Okay , it's coming . It's coming . Here we go . The tool is a model which is abbreviated as C-T-F-A-R .

Hmm , what in the world did she just say Stay with me . It's a powerful tool responsible for changing my life . It's abbreviated as C-T-F-A-R , which stands for C is for circumstance , t is for thoughts , f is for feelings , a is for actions , r is for results . Now let me explain each of these in a little detail .

For the first letter , c , which stands for circumstances , circumstances are always neutral , always outside of us and always out of our control . They have to be provable in front of a few people , for example in a court of law . A few examples of the circumstance is the world , the weather , the people around us , things that we cannot control .

Now , the next letter is T , which is for thoughts . These are the thoughts that come into our brain when we experience a certain circumstance . For example , the circumstance is that I get a pay raise at my work . The thought is that I'm so happy . I've been looking forward to this promotion . I worked so hard for this .

Another example to this promotion I worked so hard for this . Another example a circumstance is that there's cereal on the floor . The thought is oh my god , this kid dropped cereal on the floor again . When is he going to learn to eat ? Or another circumstance is that the sun is out . The thought is oh , it's nice outside , maybe we'll go out for a picnic .

Or , in the same circumstance the sun is out Another person might have a thought oh , it's so hot outside , we'll stay indoors today . Notice how the same circumstance of the sun being out can generate two different thoughts .

One thought is positive , where the person's planning on going out for a picnic , and the other thought not so positive , or even neutral , where they're planning on staying indoors because they find it to be too hot . It's the same circumstance , meaning the circumstance is always neutral .

It's the thought that we generate about the circumstance that is either positive or negative . Another very powerful and possibly charged example for some of you will be a circumstance which is neutral is that I weigh 200 pounds on the scale . The thought is I'm so fat and so ugly , I keep overeating for no good reason .

I have no control , I will never amount to anything . I can't even control what I'm eating . This is a very toxic , negative thought .

Now take the same circumstance I weigh 200 pounds on the scale and instead of generating a negative thought , you generate a thought like I have a body , I can move my arms , I can move my legs , I can walk , I can cook , I can clean , I can work . The point is the thoughts are always in our control . The circumstances are not .

We cannot control what thoughts come into our brain . Initially . We can control what thoughts we choose to focus on and with practice , we think thoughts that serve us in the long run . They serve the purpose of our life , they serve us reaching our goal . This is where the power of the model lies .

This is so powerful , you guys , if you can understand , the power of reaching your goals lies in choosing your thoughts . Then , basically , you've won the game of life .

Next in the model is the letter F , which stands for feelings . Feelings are emotions that are created in our body based on the thought we have . They're the fuel we need to generate an action . They're vibrations , emotions , energy or whatever you want to call it .

The next letter is A , which is action , which is basically the action or the inaction we take based on our feelings . Feelings drive our actions , which is the next step of the model , meaning , if you're feeling excited , you'll go all in , have the energy and get the work done .

On the other hand , if you're feeling sad , you'll want to stay in bed , not do your work and not perform at the level of your capability , which is the example of inaction . Like I said , feelings can generate both action and inaction , and that will be the A line . The last one is R , which stands for results , which is a result we create from our action .

As a general rule , positive thoughts will create positive results and negative thoughts will create negative results . So let me give some examples using the whole model . The circumstance is I have a five-year-old son . The thought is he is such a joy in my life . The feeling that thought generates is happy , content , grateful .

The action I take based on those feelings is that I hug him , I nurture him , I teach him sports , I spend time with him . The result is I have created a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with my son . Now does that sound like a wonderful goal ? It does to me . Now let us take another example .

Circumstance is my five-year-old son dropped cereal on the floor . The thought that generates is how many times is he going to do this ? I've already cleaned up the kitchen . His father didn't even notice how hard I'm working . The feeling that thought generates is frustrated , angry .

Action I take based on that feeling of frustration is I yell at my son , I complain to my husband , I punish my son for being careless . The result I've created based on that action is I've created a strain in my relationship with both my son and my husband . Now does that sound like a fulfilling result ? Not so much .

The worst part is the justification we provide for creating this result and doing it over and over again and thinking that it is not in our control . So much so that the result of a strained relationship with our sons , with our family with our husbands becomes our reality and we think that we're not meant to have loving and fulfilling relationships .

We create elaborate belief systems around these thoughts that we're choosing on a loop . We choose these thoughts that don't serve us and we call it destiny . Famous psychologist , carl Jung , said until you make the unconscious conscious , it will direct your life and you will call it fate . Now let's take the same circumstance .

My five-year-old son dropped cereal on the floor . The thought it generates he was so excited about reaching for the dinosaur toy he didn't even see the cereal in his way . The thought it generates he was so excited about reaching for the dinosaur toy he didn't even see the cereal in his way . The feeling it generates for me is fascinated .

I'm just fascinated in his curiosity .

The action that I will take based on that feeling is I feed his curiosity , I nurture him , I bring the cereal spill to his attention , we make the cleanup and activity together and the result I generate based on that action is that I have a delighted child on my hands and my relationship with him is so much stronger and loving .

See how just a shift in thought and taking child's perspective changed the results so dramatically . Practice this type of thought repeatedly and you'll have a bond with your son that everyone will want for themselves , and this applies to every relationship in your life . All right , let's take another example .

The circumstance is that my boss promoted my colleague to a manager position and not me . The thought that creates is I deserve that promotion . I work harder than any other guy . How can my boss be so oblivious ? He doesn't deserve my respect . The feeling I get from that thought is of resentment and anger .

The action I take based on that feeling is I don't do my best work , I cut corners , I show up late , I take every opportunity to slack off and the result I get from that action is my performance declines at work and my boss promotes my colleague . You've created your own circumstance .

Which boss will be smart enough to promote someone who's doing a mediocre job at best ? Now , some of the more academic minds of those that are listening will say well , I wouldn't have thought this way if my boss hadn't promoted my colleague . But what I'm going to offer you is that circumstances are always neutral .

The circumstance of your boss promoting your colleague is neutral until you have a thought about it . You can have a negative thought or a positive thought and , depending on which one you choose , the results will come accordingly . Which one you choose , the results will come accordingly .

Now , in the same circumstance , let's say we choose a more neutral or a positive thought , the circumstance is my boss promoted my colleague . The thought that comes to your mind is one of curiosity I wonder why that happened . I wonder why my colleague got promoted .

Or another thought that can come to your mind is more of a positive one yeah , well , my colleague deserved it . He works really hard . Or another thought that can come in your mind might be what can I do to get the next promotion ? How can I work harder ? How can I improve myself ? Now , based on all these thoughts , you'll have different feelings .

If you're thinking hmm , I wonder why that happened you'll be feeling curious . If you have a positive thought my colleague works really hard and he deserves it you'll be feeling inspired by him . Or if you have a thought where you're asking yourself I can't believe I missed that opportunity . What can I do to improve myself ?

The feeling you will generate is of that of motivation . Depending on the feeling , you will create a different action . Let's choose to focus on the positive thought where you're asking yourself where you've missed the opportunity and you're feeling motivated to work harder .

The action you'll take is you work hard , you'll add value , you'll contribute , you'll show up on time , you inspire others to work hard , and the result that might generate will be your boss notices your hard work and you get a promotion . Now that's the best case scenario . I'm not saying that's going to happen 100% of the time .

Now let's say that your boss does have a person in vendetta against you and he does not want to promote you . Regardless of how hard you're working , the results of your positive actions and positive thoughts will still be positive , because imagine what you might have created at work based on your positive actions .

Your colleagues will respect you for your hard work , for you showing up , for you giving your 100% , for working hard , for your best effort . You would have created confidence for yourself , which is a precious commodity that no boss can take away from you .

In the end , you've chosen a thought that served you best and you've taken the time to consciously go through the thought effort . This , my friend , is the difference between conscious and unconscious thoughts . If we bring thoughts to our consciousness , we can generate results that are more rewarding to us . At the Islamic Life Coach School .

It is going to be my mission to bring more and more of these thoughts to consciousness so you can live a more conscious life with the results of a more fulfilling life . One last example I want to give you is of a circumstance that generates a negative thought Because , let's face it , life is not always rainbows and daisies .

So let's say the circumstance holds , I slept through Fajr prayer . The thought that comes to my mind is oh my god , I can't believe I did that . I should not have stayed at the party so late and socialized so much . No wonder I'm such a failure . I can't do anything . I can't get anything done . I can't even wake up to an alarm .

The feeling these thoughts will generate will be disappointed and of despair . The action you might take might be inaction , where you might not want to get out of bed , where you might be playing victim , sitting in despair . The results you will generate is you will not get up to make up your salah and you won't do anything to circumvent the problem .

Now let's take the same circumstance . The circumstance is I slept through Fajr prayer . The thought that comes to your mind is I was so tired I didn't even hear my alarm . I should excuse myself from parties early so that I can get a good enough rest . Let me make up my prayer Based on these thoughts . The feeling you might get will be of optimism .

You'll feel optimistic . Action you might take is that you make up your pair , you make an action plan to get enough rest , you set multiple alarms , you excuse yourself from parties earlier next time .

Now see the difference . The same circumstance that generated a negative thought ended up in a result that didn't serve us . On the other hand , if we are able to take the thought from negative to neutral , the results are the ones that do serve us .

Now notice I didn't say that the circumstance of sleeping through Fajr prayer should give you positive thoughts , like you should be saying oh how delightful , look , I missed my Fajr . No , that should never be the case . There are certain circumstances that generate negative thoughts , and rightly so .

Nobody should be happy about missing a prayer , but what I am saying is that you should choose to concentrate on the thought that gets you results . So that's all I have for you guys for today's podcast . In the future podcasts we will be talking about awareness of thoughts , emotional intelligence and how we can use this model to increase our EQ .

Thank you very much for listening .