Intentions vs. Impact

Some of the worst acts of humanity are done in the name of good intentions and people try to get away with it saying that I had good intentions . I had no intention of hurting someone . I don't know how it happened or it's their fault that they're hurt . That wasn't my intention .

It amazes me how many acts of abuse are done in the name of religion , with a wrapping of good intentions .

I had a friend who , as a grown woman , had the toughest time reconciling her thoughts around hijab and modesty in Islam , all because , as a teenager , she had an encounter with a family friend where an uncle berated her and belittled her on an occasion and yelled at her for not observing the hijab in front of a lot of people .

She was around 15 years old at that time and she was one of those individuals who had an early physical development . Her mother and other women in the family observed the hijab and based on this or some other personal justification .

This uncle took it upon himself to teach her a valuable lifelong lesson that she should be covering up , and it wasn't done in the nicest way , to say the least . She told me that the family didn't come to her defense because at some level they were agreeing with him , but another level they didn't want to break ties with him .

And not breaking ties in the name of religion , when people are overtly abusive , is a topic of another podcast . Oh my god . So much can be said on this topic , but for now , coming back to intentions versus impact , so this uncle told the family that he had good intentions of her succeeding in her religion and in the afterlife .

That's why he was firm with her . But what he overlooked is that his actions had a completely opposite impact . It turns out that because of this and other traumatic events and some of her own sensitivities , this friend of mine struggled her entire adult life about expressions of modesty in Islam , especially when it came to clothing .

She forever fought a literal internal battle which was a constant source of stress for her . On one hand , she knew the importance of modesty , but on the other hand she recoiled at the thought of proving that uncle right A real traumatic experience for her .

And , by the way , if you're looking for higher quality thoughts around the concept of modesty in Islam , please check out my podcast , episode number 42 about Haya .

In that podcast , I go into a lot more detail on this topic , but as far as the impact is related in terms of intention , she struggled greatly and many of us can think of or have heard of such acts that were done in the name of right intentions but had a totally opposite impact .

The confusion lies with the fact that we think somehow other people's perceptions and how they feel about what we're saying and doing is under our control , but it's not , and that's actually not at all what the impact is about .

We never have control over what other people perceive and how they think of things is under our control , but it's not , and that's actually not at all what the impact is about . We never have control over what other people perceive and how they think of things . They are the only one in control of their thoughts and feelings .

Impact has to do more with your energy behind your act . Abdullah ibn Umar reported . The messenger of Allah peace and blessings be upon him said every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock . The leader of people is a guardian and responsible for his subject . A man is a guardian of his family and he is responsible for them .

A woman is a guardian of her husband's home and his children and she is responsible for them . The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and is responsible for it . No doubt , every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock . Reported in Sahih Bukhari in Muslim . Everyone is responsible for something .

You don't have to have a title or have to belong in a social hierarchy when you are in interaction with other human beings , whether in a leadership position or in a collaboration position , like you could be leading a project or a household or a nation , or you could just be a part of a team siblings , cousins , colleagues , friends .

In any of these cases , just the mere fact of being in touch with someone , you have the capacity to impact and you have to check yourself if your intentions are equaling your impact . Impact has to do with your thought and feeling pair , the qalb , the core of the human being . What thought and feeling pair are you acting from ?

Actually , superficially , your brain might be saying I'm doing this because I have this person's best interest in mind . I say this is superficial because if from this thought or intention comes out the action of yelling , calling her names , calling her parents incompetent , this will have a totally opposite impact compared to what your intentions were .

Again , superficial intentions , because there are underlying subconscious activated thoughts and intentions that are creating aggression . Activated thought in this case is completely different than what your conscious mind is telling you is your intention .

Now for a little elaboration on this concept of activated thought . These are sentences in your mind that can be conscious or subconscious , that create feelings that you might or might not be aware of .

For example , your conscious mind says I have that person's best interest at heart , while your subconscious mind says they should be doing things differently , which will create a feeling of judgment . Or the sentence could be she is so incompetent , creating the feeling of anger and resentment . From there , your act of aggression will come out .

This is why we can act overtly aggressive or act passive . Aggressive come out . This is why we can act overtly aggressive or act passive-aggressive . Activated thoughts can lie on a deeper level , where obvious conscious thoughts are covering them up and they need a little bit of exploration before they can be exposed . This is where our work lies .

It lies with revealing the subconscious patterns of our core , our qalb , which dictates our impact . Our impact has nothing to do with how the other person perceives our acts . Again , that is never in our control .

If our impact seems to be different than our intentions , then chances are our internal environment doesn't match with what our conscious intentions are telling us . For one of my clients , her son found a very nice girl to marry . My client really loved this girl , but somehow she noticed that this girl was acting distant from her .

With some exploration during our sessions , we found out that while her intention was to come out loving , warm and welcoming , the impact she was actually creating was that she was acting from pity towards this girl .

So this girl her future daughter-in-law came from a very poor background and while my client's intention was to show up from a loving and welcoming space , she was acting from pity and feeling sorry for her . Her intention was different than her impact and all she had to do to be able to reveal that is do some work to uncover these subconscious patterns .

After that she quickly self-corrected . Her intention was that I treat this girl with respect , but her subconscious thinking was she needs my help because she is an underprivileged person . And from this activated thought , she was feeling pity and acting like she was almost doing a charity by letting her marry her son .

And , of course , this girl , her future daughter-in-law was sensing this and was acting more and more distant . All it takes for you to create the most impact is to just non-judgmentally ask yourself is my impact the same as my intention ? If not , then why not ? Where are the gaps in my belief that I can fill ?

So my impact is exactly what I want it to be . If something was not perceived as you had hoped , then just check . Where can you plug the holes in your belief system ? Where are you lacking clarity ? Because there is some activated thought in there that is creating a totally opposite impact .

Also , let me take some time to just say that let's all move away from the act of advice giving when none was asked .

I know people with experience think that the younger generation should know what to do , but nothing has worse impact than unsolicited advice coming from a thought like I know what's good for them and feeling self-justified as a result of this thought , or the thought could be , I have more lived experience and they can learn from me .

Feeling of self-righteousness , because , believe me , if they wanted to learn , they would ask you . Impact of unsolicited advice usually lands really far from the intention , again , because your underlying activated thoughts are creating judgment and the opposite effect . Social media comments are yet another very common ground where unsolicited advice shows up .

If you really wanted to give advice , one way to align your intention with your impact is to just ask . You can say things like I don't know how to help you to solve this problem and I really want to help you . Only way I can think of is I can share with you my experience from what I learned . Is it okay to share ?

Their permission will totally align your intention with your impact . Or another scenario is and this is where I struggle the most maybe the other person is just not in a position to receive any advice , no matter how well aligned you are , and that's okay as well . This is where most of my work of growth has been .

I do my thought outputs , I investigate what crummy underlying activated thoughts I have lying around . I work really hard to uncover all of my subconscious thoughts and feelings , but again , what I struggle with the most is that the other person just does not want my help and I have to be okay with that .

The strongest reminder of this , I find , is in the Quran , in Surah Baqarah , ayah 272 . One translation is To make them walk in the right way is not incumbent on you , but Allah guides aright whom he pleases and whatever good things you spend , it is to your own good and you do not spend but to seek Allah's pleasure .

And whatever good things you spend shall be paid back to you in full and you shall not be wronged . In another translation it says you are not responsible for people's guidance , o Prophet . It is Allah who guides whoever he wills , and so on . The Prophet , peace be upon him , is being told how they perceive wills , and so on .

The Prophet , peace be upon him , is being told how they perceive . His message is not upon him and , by extension , this message applies to all of us and their ultimate guidance is not upon us . Another person's perception is only in Allah's control . We do what is in our control , and that is to align our character with our highest possible values and intentions .

The Prophet , peace be upon him , always took other people's capacity into account before talking to them . That was one of his divine gifts and inshallah . We strive to be just like him . Now , to be able to recognize if your impact is different than your intention . Ask yourself did I accomplish what I intended to do ? Is there any room for improvement here ?

Most of us approach this evaluation process by being way too harsh on ourselves , which is why most of us remain blind to the impact we have created on the other person . Just ask yourself with self-compassion did it go the way I want it to , or do I have some repair work to do ?

And if you do find some work that needs to be done , just be open about it . How are you going to improve your approach next time ? How are you going to help him differently next time ? If you're approaching a conversation with an uncovered underlying negative emotion , then chances are your impact will be a lot different than what you intended .

Any action from negative emotions is shaitan's trick all from the lower survival brain , and it creates a huge gap between what we want to do and what we actually end up doing . Let us all collectively heal from the atrocious acts of abuse that have been done in the name of good intentions , while their impact was detrimental .

That's being done from people unwilling to fight their wars , unwilling to do the work of purifying their hearts . That has nothing to do with religion . You'll find these people across all cultures , ethnicities and times . Let's make dua for them and use our impact to influence them .

Or if you can't do that , then just leave them to their devices and their struggles , because sometimes that's the best you can do for them . Sometimes it's more detrimental to offer your help when they don't want any . All the while we work on our own alignment and our impact with our intentions . That's where our work lies .

That's the only thing that's within the circle of our control . In a hadith , prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that's within the circle of our control . In a hadith , prophet said this is the part of a hadith that translates as All actions are by intentions and everyone will obtain what he intended .

So whoever intended to emigrate for something , for this work or to marry a woman , then his emigration is what he intended for . This particular part of the hadith innam al-armal bin niyat is very special for me .

This whole hadith is actually Because I carry an ijazah in this hadith , meaning I showed competency enough in the knowledge of this hadith and its transmission that I was granted permission to teach it to others . Signed off to me by Dr Sheikh Yasir Qadhi . This was done according to the tradition of Sanad . Isnad means .

A chain of narrators authenticated this hadith and I became a part of that chain . That Isnad , through this ijazah , this permission going all the way to the Prophet . Alhamdulillah , just thinking about this sends chills down my spine .

This is so special to me and currently I'm looking at the official document , signed by Dr Yasir Qadhi , that granted me this permission . So , anyways , I digress . The reason I brought this hadith up is because all actions are by intentions and everyone will obtain what he intended .

Now keep in mind , with our limited thinking , where our brains think linearly and compartmentalize . The brains are very good at hiding intentions of our subconscious , but since Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , knows what is and isn't obvious to us , he knows our true reason behind our actions , even if we are unaware of it .

And just because you are unaware of your subconscious patterns does not grant you a free pass to treat people however you like in the name of your good intentions . So the best way to come out of this trap is to disclose these subconscious patterns and to see where your impact was different than your intention .

Inshaallah , I pray for your success in this process and with that , I pray to Allah SWT that he helps us purify our intentions on the deepest level , ones that are obvious and ones that are not so obvious . I ask Allah to help us align our impact with the highest and the purest of our intentions .

O Allah , I ask you to grant all of my listeners a masterful mind where they can pinpoint their weaknesses and strengths without any judgment . O Allah , grant me and my listeners patience with this process and grant us perseverance in learning from the mistakes if our actions have the wrong impact .

Oh Allah , please forgive our mistakes , as we are on the path of becoming an upright servant of yours . Please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .