How to Communicate Successfully

Communication is at the heart of all of your daily work-life balance . It's at the heart of your parenting , of your married life , of your professional life .

What I want to tell you about communication is a method called outcome-based communication , when we're making a request of somebody and we judge the success of that request based on if the other person's response meets your expectation .

This is rooted in your belief that your efforts , your words , your tone , your intention should directly control or dictate the other person's reaction . And when that expected outcome doesn't happen , then you're left with frustration , disappointment , resentment .

But this is a flawed way of measuring success of your communication , because it assumes that the other person's actions are within your influence , when in reality , their response is shaped by their thoughts , something that is not in your control .

When you're looking for an outcome based communication , the outcome that you're measuring needs to be your response to their response , and I'm going to elaborate on this more . What outcome you measure in your communication is extremely important .

It's important because if you're defining your communication by previous standards the one I just described then it'll be very easy to deem your communication unsuccessful . For you to be expecting a specific response , like an agreement or an immediate action , from their part , it sets you up for disappointment , especially when the other person reacts differently .

If this is what's making you feel unheard or invalidated , then it's time that you adopt this approach that I'm going to talk about in this podcast . First of all , you have to shift your focus away from their role . Yes , the success in communication absolutely lies in clarity , respect and persistence .

You have to move more and more towards what your reaction is to their response .

When you focus on their reaction , it diminishes the importance of how you show up in the conversation and it breeds resentment , because when their response doesn't align with your hopes , you'll feel like your efforts were wasted , and this is a huge emotional burden distancing you in your relationship .

And this whole ideology ignores the process of collaboration , because when you're hyper-focusing solely on the outcome of their response , you miss opportunities to explore alternatives . And this is what we're going to be doing today . We're going to be exploring important alternatives .

So in this outcome-based communication , the outcome you need to be focusing on is first identifying with clarity what it is that you want to ask . Be very specific and clear about what you want . Avoid assumptions . Don't give vague hints .

So , instead of saying things like you never help out , say things like it would mean a lot to me if you could handle the dishes tonight .

The thought behind this change of verbiage is you trying to be as clear in your communication as possible on your part , and the next step here is to detach from the immediate outcome , because the immediate outcome is going to be their reaction . Accept their response as influenced by factors that are outside of your control .

It doesn't matter if they agree or decline . It doesn't matter if they react completely unexpectedly . Your role is to remain focused on how you're going to engage in that conversation , moving forward . The next step is to continue the conversation until a resolution is reached . If the initial outcome isn't what you hoped for , don't give up .

Stay persistent , stay open to alternatives , keep asking different ways , keep being open to curiosity . What can we do instead that works both of us ? Keep asking questions and , at the foundation of all of this , focus on your response alone . The success of your communication lies in your reaction to their response .

Do you respond with curiosity , trying to seek an understanding , or with frustration which shuts down the dialogue ? This outcome-based communication is much less about controlling the other person . It's more about creating a connection , collaboration , and you may not always get the outcome you want , especially immediately or even in the long term .

But what matters is how you show up , how you stand up for your values , how persistent you are in expressing your values , because that almost guarantees an ongoing fertile ground for future dialogue and mutual respect . So let's say you want to ask your spouse to help more around household chores , but they respond by saying I'm too busy .

You will have a lot of choices in that moment , most of them taking you back to your previous experiences and shutting conversations down thoughts like he never cares about what I need , and you're allowed to think that I'm not the thought police that will tell you what you should and shouldn't think .

But what happens as a response to that is that you've already shut off pathways of communication . Your job in response to their response is figuring out if you expressed your needs clearly , persistently . Are you continuing to respond thoughtfully , having some flexibility in your response , all the while reinforcing the importance of your request .

Because while I'm asking you to maintain this approach , I'm not asking you to undermine the relationship or undermine your importance of your values . I'm not asking you to give in as your response to their response . I'm just asking you to stay flexible and be open to how you are responding .

And if you have never done this before , just ask yourself how do you usually measure the success of your communication ? Most of the time , answer is going to be it depends on if the person listened or not , and you are not alone .

This is a very common misconception , but the truth here is that measuring communication success by somebody else's reaction is measuring , if you're a successful gardener , by the amount of traffic lights you have in your city . They're completely unrelated . They're two independent variables . One has nothing to do with the other .

Their response to your communication stems from their own thoughts and beliefs , entirely out of your control , an otherwise traditional notion of communication . Focus on controlling just this outcome how to make them do something , how to make somebody meet your expectation .

The only success of your communication I want you to measure from now on is how you handle their response . Continuing to work on the process of expressing yourself clearly and responding with emotional maturity , regardless of whatever outcome they come with .

And if you don't have the outcome that you want , then you continue your communication until that agreement is reached . Three basic steps Asking , focusing on your response and continuing the two steps until you reach an agreement . That's it . Mastering these three steps is all you need to master your communication , need to master your communication .

So asking clearly includes leaving no room for ambiguity , no passive-aggressive comments , no leaving vague hints . Articulate your thoughts clearly , and for that you have to know your thoughts clearly yourself .

And this is where Muslim women struggle a lot , because you will already be in a space where you've disregarded the possibility that the other party will ever take you seriously , and you're already working on previous experiences , previous evidences , where they didn't listen to you . So you've disregarded your opinion so much that you've completely lost touch with it .

Now you don't even know what's important to you anymore . All you know is frustration . You're so used to your opinion being ignored , and when you do that long enough , you forget what you want .

So this first step is a big responsibility and a lot of times it's about gaining the skill of understanding what it is that you actually want and then , when you're clear with it , asking for it with clear words , making it as clear as possible , as foundational and as detailed as possible .

Whatever you need , do not assume that the other person knows the details of what you want because you know them very well , or because they're supposed to know it , or because they're in a close relationship with you so they should know it . Assume that they don't know and ask clearly . So that takes care of the first step .

And the second step here was responding thoughtfully and respectfully to their reaction . So technically , you can respond any way you want to their reaction and if your reaction is shutting down , then that will automatically shut down the conversation and the communication . So there are no surprises there .

But since we've determined that the success of your communication will depend on your response , then why not adopt thoughtfulness , respectfulness , curiosity , because your beliefs about their reaction are going to shape your communication moving forward and , by extension , they shape your relationship .

If you carry resentment , anger , disdain about their response , this method will absolutely fail , and this is why a majority of our communication fails . And if you do find yourself in those emotions , don't judge yourself for them , just give yourself time and space . Your beliefs act as a lens through which you view interactions .

If your internal narrative is negative , it will manifest in your tone , in your body language , in your choice of words , and the same way , positive beliefs will create an environment that will open up more communication , understanding and cooperation .

Example of a negative belief will be he is lazy , he doesn't care about me , my boss doesn't see how hard I work , my kids are too distracted .

When these types of beliefs dominate , your words and actions will reflect frustration , impatience , judgment , and nonverbal cues will be defensive tone , lack of eye contact , closed off posture , and all of that will signal your negativity , even if your words seem to be neutral .

And then , of course , naturally the outcome will be that the other person picks up on these signals and they respond defensively , which in turn will just reinforce your belief that they're lazy or uninterested or distracted .

As a part of working towards how you're going to react , just be curious if you have other things available to you , like he's learning about me or they're capable of making an effort .

Small shifts in your thoughts over time shift your beliefs , which in turn shift your energy , which will make your communication more inviting and encouraging , especially including your nonverbal cues . Any kind of respectful communication is always always rooted first of all in self-respect . When you honor your needs .

If you don't dismiss your needs because they weren't met the first time around , you're going to grow stronger in your connection with yourself , respecting yourself more and more , and that gives you the capacity to have respect for the other person .

If you approach your boss with the carefully prepared case for why you deserve a promotion , you list your achievements , you tell them all of your added responsibilities , show them evidence of your commitment to the company , but in the end they decline your request , then chances are , based on what you've been taught about communication so far , you will think that this

was an unsuccessful attempt . If you measure the success of your communication based on this outcome whether you got the promotion or not you will walk away feeling like you failed . But this conclusion ignores one important truth their decision is influenced by factors beyond your control , some things that you might not even know .

What is within your control is the clarity and the professionalism of your ongoing requests . Successful communication is based on your persistence , your curiosity , your efforts . It's not based on their decision .

Or let's say , you're trying to set boundaries with a friend , a friend who frequently cancels plans at the last minute , and you decide to have an honest conversation with her expressing how their behavior affects you , and you request more consistency , more time .

If they apologize and they adjust their behavior , you will have a tendency to feel like your communication was success . But what if they dismiss your feelings or if they continue canceling the plans ? Does that mean that you failed ? No , that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you . Their response comes from their priorities , their values .

What matters is did you remain composed and true to your values even if they didn't react as you hoped ? Success here is measured by your ability to express yourself and maintain your boundaries , regardless of how they choose to respond . And , like I've already mentioned , non-verbal communication is extremely powerful . 80 to 90 percent of communication is non-verbal .

The way you'll be expressing yourself from negative beliefs is going to be completely different than when you are , at least , in neutral or positive beliefs . And the steps I've told you here are extremely simple , but they're not easy . They require persistence , they require constant adjustment on your part , especially if you're trying to implement it on your own .

Communication only comes to a halt if you think so , if you choose to not communicate any further because you've accepted defeat . Continuing communication means staying solution-focused , the solution being you .

If your husband declines to pick up groceries , if your child declines to go to bed on time , if your employees refuse to follow company policy , in all of these case scenarios , the only thing that matters is how you respond , because that's going to continue the communication . The difference is persistence and perspective .

The difference is also in conveying your needs without guilt or shame , without external blame . So focus on these three steps . Ask clearly , focus on your response to their response and continue to repeat just these two steps until you reach an agreement that's acceptable to both of you .

With that , I pray to Allah SWT . Ya Allah , grant me the clarity in expressing myself , in expressing my needs . Grant me the wisdom to respond to others with respect . Help me remain persistent and patient . Help me seek understanding and resolution without resentment . O Allah , remove from my heart the urge to control others and replace it with trust in you alone .

Ya Allah , allow my words and actions to reflect sincerity , love and truth of my values . Guide me to maintain emotional maturity and connection in my interactions . Ameen , ya Rabbul Aalameen , please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .