Highlights of ILCS Concepts

Thinking back and trying to figure out what it is that I want to talk to you guys about , I re-listened to a bunch of my podcasts and it turns out that all of them are so good , so I decided to make a collection of some of my most important messages which I found to be deeply valuable to me in my transformation .

Occasionally , I myself listen back to these podcasts and figure out where it is that I still need work , because every human being is a constant work in progress , not because that there's something wrong with them , but because that is the nature of this life .

With that , I present to you some of my most important messages that I've so far delivered in the 100th episode Please enjoy this podcast is Mental Health 2.0 , or Exceptional Mental Health . We always talk about mental health in terms of mental illness and there is a rise in mental illness diagnoses during the pandemic .

I believe most medical models are based on illness , and I can demonstrate that based on one question . When I ask people if they think they're mentally healthy , and the answer they give is usually in terms of mental illness , most will say since I don't have a mental illness , I must be mentally healthy .

And that , to me , is a very low standard , and I have mentioned this before that the lowest of the low standard of mental health is a lack of mental illness . This is most commonly and generally accepted societal standard of mental health .

So the next level , which is slightly better , of the definition of mental health is a person's condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being . Okay , so this is a little better .

It has words like emotion and well-being in it , so it is a level up from the previous definition , but I'm going to take it to even a higher level in just a minute .

First , let's talk about why mental illness diagnoses are so prevalent in our society , and I'm going to say that that is because , as soon as a human being starts to experience an emotion that is uncomfortable for them , first of all they self-label as anxiety , depression , and then they get approval of the diagnosis from their doctor , from their friends anxiety ,

depression and then they get approval of the diagnosis from their doctor , from their friends , from the media and in many other cases , that we as a medical community and as a society in general , label a negative emotion as a disorder and we want a quick fix pill to immediately numb out of the state because we are uncomfortable with feeling that emotion .

In reality , life is about a range of all emotions . Creating a mental illness diagnosis out of an appropriate human emotion is injustice to being human , simply and purely human .

So going back to my second definition of mental health that defined it as psychological , emotional well-being , that still has an undertone of an expectation of well-being 100% of the time , but that's unrealistic . Undertone of an expectation of well-being 100% of the time , but that's unrealistic . The human condition calls for negative emotions .

But according to this definition , where mental health means psychological and emotional well-being , it would mean that the time that the humans are feeling a negative emotion you do not have mental health . But again , that is wrong . Just because you're struggling with an emotion does not mean you do not have mental health as human beings .

This definition obviously induces some resistance because we don't want to identify having a mental illness just because we don't have well-being .

But what if we said that well-being includes the whole spectrum of emotions , so that would mean the best news is , in this case , that human emotions that create negative sensations in your body do not mean you have a mental illness . In other words , you can be experiencing a negative emotion and also be in a state of well-being . How cool is that ?

So negative human emotion does not mean mental illness . That is music to my ears . That's such good news . If you're feeling any resistance to this definition , it's possible you're still in a space where you think your circumstance causes your feelings .

So at this point I'll offer you a third definition of mental health , which is less glamorous but is the most useful . Mental health is having a spectrum of human emotions and knowing that you have control over them .

And since , at Islamic Life Coach School , just mediocre mental health is not good enough , we strive for exceptional mental health , and that comes from self-coaching . The formula and the model I teach you guys will help you create superior mental health and a life of your design . My definition of exceptional mental health is a managed mind .

This is a skill that can be learned when humans accept the natural order , understanding that they create everything from their thinking , and their thinking is under their control . It gives them a sense of agency , which is of prime importance . Choosing thoughts of higher brain or the lower brain origin will create results accordingly .

This sense of agency leads to managed mind , which is exceptional mental health , regardless of the emotional state you are in , which can be an appropriately negative emotional state depending on what the situation calls for .

So imagine a staircase going from one level to the next and , summing it all up , we went from mental health being the lack of mental illness , which is the lowest level . The next higher level is mental health is an emotional and psychological well-being , which is slightly better , but not all exclusive .

And the third highest level of mental health is being open to the full spectrum of human experience , from negative to positive , with an understanding that with mind management , any emotion can be created . The highest level of mental health is practicing the skill of agency over your thoughts .

It is a skill that is learned over time , just like driving or ice skating . You were horrible at it in the beginning , but with practice it gets better . None of this means that you won't be angry or anxious or sad sometimes . It just means that when you are all those things , you're not going to think that there's something wrong with you .

You will have the insight that you're creating those emotions from your thoughts , and exceptional mental health is about being able to tell the difference when it is appropriate and inappropriate to create these emotions .

So , going with this definition of exceptional mental health , we come to learn that it is available to the majority of the people on the planet , even for the people with the diagnosis of mental illness that are on treatment . I pray for the best of mental health for all of you .

I pray that Allah SWT gives us insights into our own mind so we can tell when we are creating an emotion appropriately and when we are in error . I pray to Allah SWT that our nafs and shaitan's whispers do not lead us astray in this path of scaling up to our next best level of mental health .

Today we're talking about being ashamed or modest . Which one is it and how any of these play a role in the development of a woman's career . Shy , in a classic sense , is defined as frightened , timid or showing nervousness . Ashamed is embarrassed or feeling guilt because of something one has done or a characteristic one has .

Guilt is the feeling responsible for a perceived offense . Modesty is being unassuming about one's achievements or modesty is also behavior to avoid indecency . None of these actually define haya completely . Only parts of them do . The only word that encompasses what I'm trying to convey here is the word haya . Haya itself is a very encompassing term .

It partly carries meaning of shame , shy , modest and even guilty conscience . One of Allah's name is Al-Hayyi . At the Al-Maghrib Institute , shaykh Ammar Al-Shukri , he says Al-Hayyi is the one that is shy and modest and the one that conceals . He is ashamed of not answering the dua of the believer before his hands go down . That is so profound .

If Allah can be shy , so can we . So haya is an encompassing concept that keeps anyone from doing anything immoral . Some scholars define haya as an internal emotion that causes one to avoid doing what is objectionable . What that translates into coaching terms is that it is just the internal emotion that urges you to take notice of your thoughts and actions .

This is the only role shyness and you to take notice of your thoughts and actions . This is the only role shyness and a sense of modesty is supposed to play . It's supposed to be a warning sign that you are getting off track , a warning being given to you by your body . This goes back to the experiential definition , the experience of being human .

Are you attuned to what your body is saying to you ? Haya then becomes a combination of shame , shyness , modesty and guilt . Shame that keeps you from indecent actions . Shyness that keeps you from exposing your indecent actions . Modesty that keeps you from boasting about your achievements or flaunting your beauty or exposing too much skin .

Guilty conscience that helps you correct your actions . None of these words capture haya fully , but parts of each of these do . What haya is not is number one . It is not the perpetual lingering of these warning emotions . That's shaitan's work , the primal brain latching on to the human's lack of expertise in their own emotions .

Number two what haya is also not is that it's not body shaming . It's not body shaming . It's not a green light to police women's hairline under their hijabs , calling them vulgar . Number three haya is also not timidness . I want to emphasize the role modesty plays in a professional woman's life .

I've had many instances in my life where I was assumed to be timid by others because of my modesty , or at least my modest clothing . It was assumed that I was ashamed of my body , so that's why I covered it up .

The mistake on my part was that I internalized that assumption and for the longest time I've lived under the belief system that being timid was the same as being modest , same as haya and the same as body shaming . Oh boy , was that an error on my part ? That's actually an error on many people's parts .

Now , if you know anything about what I teach is that we can't do much about what others do . So now , when people assume that I'm shy because of my hijab , because of my modesty , if they mistake me for being timid , they are proven wrong very quickly .

Now , if I am to ask you something and you were to answer me honestly , most of you , when you are listening to this podcast , are thinking about haya only as it applies to women .

If you're socialized in the western society , if you understand the English language , which I'm assuming you do , since you've made it this far in the podcast , I can bet that your default picture of Haya is of a woman being modest and , on top of that , a woman wearing a hijab . Haya and hijab are literally synonymous in our heads thanks to social programming .

Let me tell you this when the Prophet peace be upon him praised someone for their haya , it was Uthman ra . You would think , based on how we are programmed today that he would be praising a woman , but he praised a man . Haya is not just a woman in hijab .

Belief that modesty only applies to women is so ill-founded , mostly because it revolves around the notions of body shaming . A very common misconception is that Islam promotes body shaming and thus asks women to hide it . We know that quite the opposite is true . Islam holds women's bodies in the highest regards , and you protect something you regard to be valuable .

Modesty for women is a part of Haya . A good example of this is very commonly cited ayah from Surah An-Nur , chapter 24 , ayahs 30 and 31 , which talks about how both men and women should lower their gaze and guard their modesty . Haya is not timidness . Haya does not apply only to women .

It is actually a collection of moral emotions , even then , emotions that only act as warning signs , not a permanent state of being . Haya , as I define it , is rumble strip emotions . When you are steering off the path , they jolt you back into the right direction . So now to go back to the question I posed in the beginning Are you ashamed or modest ?

The answer is a little of both and at the same time neither one , depending on how you're practicing each of them . Also , there is a component of guilt and shyness in there . Haya and shyness are not interchangeable . Shy can mean timid , haya does not . If you are usingaya to justify your timidness in your professional and personal life , you are doing it wrong .

Lastly , imagine if you practice Haya as it is defined in our religion , as a warning sign , a rumble strip of emotions . Let's put it into context what it would look like in your professional life . You perform an action , you get a warning sign from your body to redirect , you listen to that and you correct your action .

That right there is the prime example of what social scientists describe to be the recipe of success . This recipe combines number one paying attention to your thoughts , as described in the hadith . This is mindfulness . Number two thoughts as described in the hadith . This is mindfulness .

Number two , being attentive to your body's experience , also known as the emotional intelligence . Number three , redirecting actions while learning from mistakes and asking for forgiveness . The definition of growth mindset . All of these make up haya . If you persistently Haya , there is no way you cannot be successful in your professional life . That is virtually impossible .

May Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , give us all the himmah , the courage and the resilience to practice Haya in its purest form . Today we're going to talk about a different definition of self-love , which is radical self-love . This self-love goes above and beyond a mani and pedi or a bubble bath .

At any given point , the brain is having a tug-of-war between two parts One brain and two minds . One is the higher brain , the executive mind , the future planning and controlling mind . The other one is the lower brain , the comfort seeking , the pleasure seeking , the avoiding pain .

Mind One is the guidance of your soul and the other one is the voice of your naps . One brain says I have big dreams , I want to do things , I want to go places . The other one says sit back down , there's no way anything you do will make any difference . So we have a loving mind and an abusive mind .

So when you actually sit down to do a thought output , when you write your own thoughts down , you are writing sentences that are originating from either of these two sources . Thoughts creating negative results in your life come from the nafs or the lower brain . The thoughts creating best results in your life come from the executive brain .

You go into shutdown mode because you judge yourself for having negative thoughts that create negative results , and when you shut down you cannot create change . Radical self-love is actually the opposite of this judgment . Radical love is that you love yourself for having these thoughts Revolutionary .

Imagine when you do your self-reflection and you see that you have one of these above thoughts I have so much to do , I cannot pray on time , not qualified to be at the meeting when you're doing this writing exercise and these sentences come into light .

At that point , imagine you are sitting in a room with two of you One that is writing these thoughts and the one that is observing you writing these thoughts . One that is writing these thoughts and the one that is observing you writing these thoughts . One person is the thinker and the other one is the watcher of the first person .

Both are sitting across from each other at the table . So here , when you're doing this , watching , your relationship with your internal self is activated . This is self-reflection . Remember Allah doesn't change the condition of the people until they change what is in themselves . First step to this internal change is this self-reflection .

Majority of people in the world do not engage in this active watching of the self because it makes them uncomfortable . But this watching of the self is the key to success . So if you're not considering two people in the room . You're doing it wrong . You have to be the observer and the doer of the thinking .

What you feel inwardly is what you project outwardly , and then the cycle perpetuates because whatever feedback you're getting from the world proves to you how much hate and anger there is to be felt for yourself . We have it all backwards . We're trying to solve problems outwards in . They need to be solved inwards out .

We spend our entire lives trying to fix other people , other things , just so we can fix how we feel . This is like trying to look for the keys that you dropped inside a dark room and then walking outside in the brightness to go looking for them . You'll never find them there . You have to bring the light inside .

Key to how you feel better is inside of you . It lies with your relationship with the person sitting at the table . This person sitting at the table doing the thinking she's been telling you I'm not good at math . I can never be wealthy . I'm nervous going to new places because I can't find directions . I can't succeed in politics . I'm an introvert .

Success is for extroverts . I'm a horrible person for not being able to lower my gaze . I will not do good at this interview . My kids can never be successful because I can't teach them the perfect Islam . This is non-stop . When you take a seat at the table with her , who has been feeding you this ugliness ?

Whatever you feel about her is your relationship with you . This relationship primes you to think and feel the way you do about the world , and that is exactly how you will perceive the world is treating you . So if you hate her , you will hate the world and the world will hate you back .

If you're angry , you'll see angry people everywhere and you will see Allah's anger and punishment everywhere . But if you love her , oh boy , if you love her , you will receive love from everywhere and you will see Allah's love for you . If you respect her , you will respect the world and the world will respect you .

So the self-reflection is not to change her , because there is nothing wrong with her . It is to notice her and to love her . She doesn't need to be changed . She is you and you are her , and you are 100% worthy , infinitely loved by Allah SWT . He had no need of you , but yet you are here , created . That is proof of his love for you .

This person at the table only responds to acceptance , respect and love . If you try to change her . She will get angrier and bigger . If you're having a hard time accepting her , if you're resisting loving her and saying , yeah , but she should just get out of here , she shouldn't exist , I will tell you she is here to stay , because this is the design of Allah .

Come to an understanding if the nafs wasn't there , you'd be an angel , never disobeying , never struggling . This is the design of the creator and she was always meant to be there . This was so you could overcome the obstacles she places and rise above them . You have to be better than her , not only accept her , but to love her . This is radical self-love .

All of the self-limiting beliefs are because of the nafs , and your hate and anger for her is blocking you from changing any of these beliefs . So you love her anyways . You don't love her despite her shortcomings . You love her because of them . She doesn't know any better . She will always be this way and she will always be with you until the day you die .

So why not choose love , total and unconditional love , the highest emotion a human being can feel and project . Every time you sit for self-reflection to shed light on any undesirable experience , bring that second person in the room . How you feel about the person doing the thinking defines your relationship with yourself .

I pray for a lifetime of love and fulfillment for you . For yourself , I pray for a lifetime of tranquility for each and every one of you , and that can only be achieved through accepting this design of our creator . Alhamdulillah , today we're going to be talking about the topic of Qadr , or what is loosely translated as predestination .

Qadr is one of Islam's six articles of faith . Other articles , along with belief in the oneness of Allah , the revealed books , the prophets of Islam , the day of resurrection and angels , and when I embark on this explanation through this podcast , I'm trying to simplify the concept of Qadr for you so you can apply it to create the results that you want .

So what I aim to do today is that I will give you some insight so you can break out of any limiting beliefs that you might have around Qadr . How you gather these limiting beliefs about Qadr is highly variable . It is different for each individual . It depends on your upbringing , your culture , experiences of your caregivers and , of course , many other factors .

But , as always , if you decide not to break your limiting beliefs , that will not cut it on the day of

judgment . You cannot use your ignorance about the concept of qadr as a get out of jail card in akhira . So for simplicity's sake , I've divided the concept of qadr as it applies to the past , present and the future . The past is tangible and quantifiable because it already occurred . What happened to you in the past is a neutral circumstance .

Also , the past was supposed to happen exactly the way it did , because that's how it happened . No force in the planet can change that . That was your journey to take . It was written for you . That was your qadr . The sooner you can stop fighting it , the sooner you can stop being miserable over it and start creating a new future from there .

So the same concept can be applied to the present , because it's tangible , it's happening to you now . You can measure it , you can objectify it , you can validate it , you can make it factual , you can assign meaning to it based on your sensory input . So it becomes a neutral circumstance . My qadr is playing out right in front of me .

I can measure the temperature of the room , I can sense that I'm sitting on a chair . So it's very tangible for a human mind and easy to comprehend . Of note here is that present is extremely fleeting . Anything that happened a microsecond ago is the past . The only reality is now .

When we project our limited frame of reference of the past to create our future , we are actually limiting the power of Allah . And on top of that , we're calling it qadr , like we know what is written for us , astaghfirullah , but mostly we're doing it unknowingly . This type of frame of reference will have you continue repeating your past in the future .

But this is all okay , because we're just in thought error and we can work to correct that thought error . Our limited mind would always be trapped by the framework of time and space , and Allah is above these limitations because he created time and space , and whoever creates something has intimate knowledge of the created .

So qadr , when it relates to the future , becomes a measure of what is possible , and only Allah SWT knows all the possibilities . Dr Musharraf Hussain also says Some scholars say that qadr is God's pre-knowledge of capability . And what I will do ?

That does not deprive me of the freedom , and in this case , freedom is the choice of decisions you will make from your thoughts . Dr Hussain also says when we say God is the creator of our actions , what we mean is that God is the creator of the capability of our actions .

So God created us with the freedom to choose between right and wrong , then he has the precise knowledge of our capabilities and then he knows all of the possible outcomes . That is what qadr means as it relates to the future . More accurate term is al qadr wa al qadr , which literally means the decree and the measure .

Only Allah has full and precise knowledge of your capabilities and your qadr as it relates to the future . You have the freedom to create any future you want through the freedom of your thoughts . Only Allah , the all-knowing , already has the knowledge of it .

Sheikh Yasir Qadhi says in one of his lectures about Qadr that it is not ever used to justify a future action . Example he gives is that if you tell yourself you're not going to find work because if it was Allah's will , he will provide for you , that is not the correct thought process .

You have to get educated , you have to go for interviews , you have to apply for a job , you have to put in the work . If you're lazy and you don't get out of bed until 1 pm and you don't have a job , you can't say it was your qadr . Ironically , this is how we act .

If we are in a difficult situation , we expect things to happen for us while we keep choosing thoughts from our limited frame of reference and we call it our qadr . Ah , I want to scream , but I'm not going to . Like I said , I'm very passionate about this subject , so I'm going to try and explain it as logically as possible .

Jason Parrott is a fellow at Yaqeen Institute and he writes about Qadr as providence , and he says definition offered here is based upon two sets of texts in the Quran and Sunnah Texts that speak of decree in absolute and unchanging terms , and texts that speak of modification to that degree as it is brought into being .

These two sets of texts seem contradictory on their faith , yet they are two aspects of the same reality whose apparent contradiction is only the result of the human mind's limited frame of reference . Oh , this is so good . And he goes on to say imagine for a moment that you jumped out of a plane with a parachute .

You have two inescapable destinies ahead of you . You will pull the parachute and live , or you will fail to do so and die . Both of these possibilities have been decreed for you . There is no third option . There is no getting back to the safety of the plane . It is up to you to make the choice that will fulfill the destiny you desire .

Oh , this is so good . So how can qadr be written in the preserved tablet where Prophet peace be upon him said that pens have been lifted and the pages have dried ? And how can it be changed that we can choose our actions to alter the future again ? This apparent dichotomy is only due to the limitation of the human mind , but allah knows all the outcomes .

Keep taking action , keep working towards the future you desire and always remember each action starts with a thought . In Islam , we're also told that decree can be changed based on dua and righteous actions . So don't limit yourself .

Do all of the thought work , clean up all of the lower brain thoughts , break up all of the limiting beliefs , take action and surrender the outcome . Only Allah knows the outcome . You have no idea what is in your future . You create your qadr one thought at a time , one action at a time .

So this way , you can actually create your own qadr , not because you have the power to write what's in the preserved tablet or that you have the power to change what Allah preordained for you , but because you do not know what is written for you . This is one of those times where ignorance is a bliss .

You get to create your qadr because of your lack of knowledge or capacity to even know what is destined for you . What if ? And it just so happens , what if ? Your qadr is what you always envisioned ? That way , you can envision your destiny to be the most impossible goal , and all you have to do is to learn to manage your mind around it .

Our limiting actions come from our limiting thoughts . Do your thought work , manage your mind , get coaching if you have to . I pray to Allah SWT that he gives barakah in all of our efforts .

I pray he protects us from all evil and protect us from the whispers of shaitan as it pertains to our limiting beliefs , and make sincere dua to him that each of us can live up to the full potential that Allah has decreed for us and not live through the limited potential that our false beliefs create .

Hyperachievement mentality is a part of western culture and it seems like it's the norm . Hyper-achievement mentality is a part of Western culture and it seems like it's the norm . Everyone considers it to be normal to be always doing something and achieving if you want to be taken seriously .

Furthermore , your feelings of peace , happiness , safety all only come from your thoughts and all of your thoughts are optional when we change circumstances , like getting a new job , getting married , taking all the required actions , always doing . None of these things give us feelings of happiness and fulfillment .

With each achievement or the object we acquire , it just becomes easier for us to think that these things make us happy , and we prove this true to ourselves over and over again when this new , shiny object feels great for the time being and then we set out looking for the next fix , continuing the cycle .

This temporary relief that we get is the easiest way to get disillusioned into believing that getting this new goal accomplished is what made you happy . But soon after that the brain returns to old patterns and starts finding flaws . That's the primal brain's job to look for outliers that can cause harm .

So in any given condition , after a while it becomes harder and harder to find happiness because the brain is only presenting to you the things that are wrong . No amount of accomplishments , no amount of money , cars , size of a house , how perfect you thought your spouse was when you got married can change this wiring .

This type of wiring can only be changed by mind management . What is mind management and why is it important ? As default , most efficient and least energy-consuming pathway of the brain is the one that's wired to think of self-sabotaging and judgmental thoughts , is the one that's wired to think of self-sabotaging and judgmental thoughts .

All waswasas , these little nuggets of thoughts , if not identified and dealt with , will start to appear factual with time . I will say it again All thoughts are optional . They are not facts .

So far , I reviewed all of this information because I wanted to make one point , and that is you are not your thoughts , you are not your feelings , you're not even your actions . We create identities that are based on repeated thoughts . So , like I said , self-critical thoughts come extremely naturally to us .

We will start to think that we are incapable , we are inferior and we are disadvantaged , and the cycle feeds on itself . And to break the cycle , I will tell you that you are not your thoughts , you're not your feelings , you're not even your repeated actions and behaviors .

You are a soul that was breathed into you in the womb and you were placed in this body so you can exist in this earthly world . The first soul that was breathed in was of Adam .

His body was made out of clay , which is the earthly material that can carry the soul through the journey of the earth and the body being the vessel , all of this to carry the vision of your soul to fruition . And your soul only has one ultimate vision and that is to seek Allah .

Performance achievements , acquiring things of this world , can be just steps in the ladder of ultimate realization that the soul only seeks submission to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala . Use this concept to untether yourself from the downward pulling thoughts , feelings and actions .

If you mistakenly identify as being your thoughts , you are very quickly going to start to identify with the negative thoughts . Plus , you are not your feelings or emotions , no matter how intensely you feel them . Imagine the height of an intense emotion , like anger or rage You're boiling over . Or imagine deep grief you feel like you're collapsing internally .

Imagine extreme love You're bursting at your seams with the emotional energy of love . Still , you are not these feelings . You are not your emotions , either negative or positive . You are just experiencing them , and this is done through this beautiful design of an intricately complex body that you are carrying .

I will go on to say that you're not even your actions , because it becomes harder to separate our identity from our actions , because it is easier to objectively our identity from our actions , because it is easier to objectively identify based on repeated visible behavior . I mean , what do you mean ? I'm not a bad driver . I can't even find directions properly .

I keep taking wrong turns . I get anxious in traffic . What do you mean ? I can be athletic . I'm overweight . I never work out . I lose my breath just going up one flight of stairs . Your identity of a bad driver , a bad CEO , a bad mother is a collection of self-deprecating thoughts that led you to feel inadequate towards your skills .

That proved , through your series of inactions , that you are a bad driver . It is not your ultimate identity . You're not a bad mom , a bad boss , a bad friend , bad insert , anything you're currently believing to be bad at . You've just collected enough evidence because of repeatedly identifying yourself with limiting thoughts .

The one distinct point I want to make in this podcast is that all of our current psychology that is identity-based is rooted in this world only , and that can be good and bad , and you'll find out why . If you want to become physically fit , an identity that belongs to this world , you have to start identifying yourself as an athletic person .

So identity becomes your repeated actions . I'm an athletic person , as evident by my actions of going to the gym four times a week running and participating in team sports . Your identity of being an athletic person is a great quality but still belongs to this world , same as having your identity of a bad mom or a bad cook .

Your identity of being a graphic designer , a photographer , being an IT consultant , a mother , a wife , politician or a CEO all belong to this world . All of these identities will serve you greatly for the goals of this world , and I don't mean it in a bad way .

It is an excellent gift that psychology has given us so we can live a life of vision and purpose on this planet .

In my coaching program , I teach my clients how to solidify their identities depending on their goals and when we can change them , and it's fascinating to watch people change the most hardwired identities , something that they previously thought was wired into their DNA . It turns out it was all just self-limiting beliefs that they developed over time .

Using coaching techniques that are based on psychology and neurosciences , we can reverse them , but I'm making this point to say that we should keep the identities that serve us for reaching our highest goals in this world , and all identities start with thoughts . I am a great cook . I have a good eye for art . I am better at my job than most .

Now , why am I telling you all of this ? It's because when we start to see our identities as fluid , it helps us to build them to our advantage and break them down when they are at our disadvantage .

So you are not your thoughts , feelings or actions . You always have an option of choosing them as they help you reach your desired outcome . An ideal desired outcome is to please Allah SWT and inshallah , earn a place in Jannah . Keep your identity if it helps you meet this purpose .

All of your worldly identities and scripts are fluid , all of them , including the negative and the positive , the good and the bad , fulfilling or self-deprecating . So choose them wisely . When you adopt an identity of a soulful worshiper and you continue to develop that skill , you create a life of ihsan . With that , I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala .

A life of ihsan for all of my listeners and for anyone who you guys come in contact with , and for the whole Muslim ummah in general . I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala continues to guide us towards being a soulful servant of Allah . I pray that he grants us tawfiq to create identities so that they're only for the pleasure of Allah .

Out of many feel-good neurotransmitters , there's one called dopamine that gets released in anticipation of reward , meaning when you anticipate pleasure . That's when dopamine surge is the highest . As per usual , humans have engineered life in a way that provides an intense , unnatural surge of dopamine .

Sugar here is the biggest culprit Social media outlets , shopping , video games where every time you log in you collect a reward all of that is cashing into your dopamine reward system .

What we don't think about usually is that dopamine reward can also come from anticipating , let's say , decorating your home or looking forward to hugging a loved one that bite of solid food after a long day of fast . Not all dopamine rewards are created equal . Kale doesn't have the same pleasure response as , let's say , a crunchy bag of chips .

20 plus years of marriage does not have the same dopamine response as the novelty of a new relationship , but ironically , all of these are still related to a dopamine response . Anything that you've ever experienced as satisfactory or pleasurable has dopamine related to it . To make matters worse , dopamine doesn't know what's good for us in the long run .

That's our higher brain's job . Dopamine is responsible for getting us out of the cave in anticipation of food and procreation so that we can survive . It doesn't know that engaging in either of these behaviors to access can actually kill us . This makes for a life where we consume instead of live . Now enter dopamine detox . What is that ?

That is a concept that's been equated to resetting your mind , kind of like a hard reset on your computer . So , like I described , dopamine is associated with false pleasure and true pleasure . False pleasure is related to consuming artificially engineered pleasures and this will have unintended harmful consequences .

After the behavior , this type of pleasure is followed by pain , and that pain is bigger than the one that leads you to the behavior in the first place . Same dopamine is also associated with true pleasure , and this type of pleasure will enhance your life . The original pain will diminish and overall , your quality of life will improve .

You know the difference between the two . I just know that you know that's one of the life's lessons that we learn just by being alive . So , while you might know the difference , you just don't know how to switch from one to the other . Let's explore that more .

In his autobiography , will Smith accounts for his journey in the light and at one point he describes when he understood the difference between desire and purpose . He says Purpose and desire can seem similar , but they are very different , sometimes even opposing forces .

Desire is personal , narrow and pointed and tend towards self-preservation , self-gratification and short-term gains and pleasures . Purpose is wider , broader , a long-term vision encompassing the benefit of others , something outside of yourself you're willing to fight for .

There have been many times in my life where I was acting from the place of desire , but I'd fully convinced myself that it was purpose . So in this description he's basically describing what I told you guys are the stories told to us by the lower brain . It makes desire seem like our highest purpose in life .

That lower self gets very creative in justifying why the false desire is needed . Then , eventually it becomes a cycle about chasing desire , which is a hole that never seems to fill . It continues to get deeper and deeper . Instead , the more dopamine is released , the more you need it . You develop a desensitization to the chemical .

Same stimulus will not be enough to release the same amount of dopamine . You'll need to engage in the behavior longer or intensify the stimulus to get the same burst of dopamine . That's why , when you're chasing a reward , you need more and more of it each time . This staged life is a complete setup for humans to fail .

So thus we introduce something called dopamine detox , which is about resetting your brain , gaining some clarity , discovering your blind spots of where you are unknowingly engaging in false pleasure and your brain is calling it true pleasure . During this detox period , people will avoid media , food , games , sexual activity anything that stimulates any sort of pleasure .

When we get addicted to substances video games , shopping , youtube , food , vacationing , workout that's because we are using these items to be our feel-good source rather than making a real connection with humans . But what I say to this is what if that connection was not with others ? No one external , no one outside ? What if that connection was with ourselves ?

What if a dopamine surge happened in anticipation of connection with ourselves ? And I'm suggesting not only is that possible . That is the primary purpose of dopamine detox as it is prescribed to us , especially through fasting in the month of Ramadan , when we voluntarily give up all of these pleasure stimuli . But let me explain why I go this route .

You cannot find your connection with God if you haven't connected with yourself . In a hadith , qudsi Prophet Muhammad says Allah Almighty said I am as my servant thinks I am , so finding that connection with yourself will reflect what connection we then project onto Allah . Author A Halwa says in her book Secrets of Divine Love .

By its very nature , parts of Quran will trigger you , because this revelation is like a pure mirror . You see in it what you bring to it . If you come with hatred and separation , you will see hatred of your own heart reflected back to you . If you come reflecting divine qualities of love , mercy , kindness , majesty , you will experience the taste of God's beauty .

So this is very much about nurturing your divine qualities of love , mercy and kindness to yourself and then recognizing the love of Allah . So essentially , we reflect onto Allah what we have growing inside of us .

And without dopamine detox , first , we never get to recognize that connection with ourselves because we're compulsively engaging in things that inhibit introspection . And second , if we do recognize that connection , we don't like what we see . Most of the time our self-language is around guilt and shame .

When Allah gave us the prefrontal cortex and made us the best of creation , he instilled in us the ability to create a connection with ourselves . That is what we're seeking , that is what sets us apart from animals .

And when we beat ourselves up for our natural shortcomings and those might look anything like getting all the practice exam questions wrong or not showing up fully as a leader , or not having clean uniforms for kids because we forgot to run the dryer , or just binging on healthy food when we told ourselves we wouldn't .

When you punish yourself for your natural shortcomings , they compound . When you are harsh to yourself in any situation , we are literally chopping that connection with the self with an axe . And when that connection with your soul is severed , we then turn to others . Looking for that connection , we turn to substances of the world .

The relationship we are seeking is with ourselves . Connection with Allah will come automatically , and after that , connection with others becomes secondary . It is super important , but still secondary Dopamine of connection versus dopamine of material . Yes , society at large is addicting , but connection is more addicting .

Most addictive connection is the one with yourself , because that is the way you get connected to the creator . Practice mindfulness , to the present , process emotions , rather than escaping them .

I do believe dopamine detox is necessary in this world , because this way we get to abstain from pleasure , rewards , so then we can break the cycle of constant compounding effect . This is the way to escape the noxious cycle . All desire can be linked to dopamine , even the desire of connection . In Islam we are not told to fast from connection .

We are actually encouraged to create it . Use the act of ibadah , of fasting , to relocate the source of your dopamine to something as pure as experiencing the love of Allah . There is no dopamine hit stronger created in this world . I say that with full conviction , but I cannot demonstrate it with words . You have to experience it .

So , with that , since you're more educated on this topic given that dopamine detox is not at all about detox , because you actually cannot get rid of this molecule , it is just about readjusting priorities and training your mind to visualize your highest goals I hope you can use this knowledge to elevate your life . Inshallah .

Today we're going to be talking about how to have difficult conversations , as it applies to personal and professional relationships . So , first of all , difficult conversation is a thought , it is not a fact . You dreading having a conversation is because of your thoughts . The other person or the circumstance is neutral .

Great news is that the other person in a difficult conversation does not have to change . The person you're having the conversation with is neutral . He does not cause the difficulty . The circumstances are neutral . They are a part of your pre ordainment or qadr . They do not cause difficulty .

You make it that way with your thoughts , having acknowledged that you still want to come to a conversation , choosing to label it difficult . That is perfectly acceptable . Any preparation ever can . So to prepare , I'm going to give you guys some pointers .

First , negative emotions get in the way of the ease that we want to find around having a difficult conversation . And let me tell you all negative emotions that stay around longer than they are needed , all of these unwelcomed emotions , come from your primal self , that is , your inner shaitan , trying to ruin your life in this world and the next .

So Islam teaches this concept that your own one true self is your soul . That is the only true self , the wiser self inside of you . That is the true essence that was given to you by Allah . The thoughts being contributed by this soul give you a sense of ease and flow in real life scenarios like a case of a difficult conversation .

On the other hand , every human being is also given a challenge in terms of an internal voice that comes from shaitan , and these challenging voices make the experience of the difficult conversation terrible .

So the point is to switch from the devil's voice to a soulful voice that will bring us peace , tranquility , ease and flow , no matter how difficult we think the situation is the biggest obstacle that shaitan creates is when he takes advantage of our enoughs and its need to be right . This is the most primitive response of a human being .

Being able to be right at some point meant being able to survive and stay alive . That's how the primal brain interprets it . When we think about it in today's terms , there is no actual survival at stake if you're not right .

Your brain loves being right when actually this need to be right costs you most of your intimacy and closeness in relationships and it costs you most of your professional opportunities in your careers . Being right about something doesn't really get you anything . There's no real advantage to proving yourself correct over others .

The only advantage is that your ego gets inflated . So it seems like you've accomplished a lot by proving yourself correct over others . The only advantage is that your ego gets inflated . So it seems like you've accomplished a lot by proving yourself right , but nothing actually gets accomplished .

Only people that do not believe in themselves , that do not have the self-trust , that sense of complete self-worth , those are the people that depend on this need to be right to validate themselves externally . Those are the people that engage in arguments to prove a point .

They put up a big front inflated by the ego , but internally they're very fragile , dependent on approval from others to find that acceptance that they can never give themselves . So the first step was to never let negative emotions stay longer than they need to , and second step is to give up your need to be right , because that's always coming from the nafs .

Also , let me be clear this need of being right is not a moral flaw . This is a part of being human . This pull downwards towards the primal self that takes us to our base desires , to our primal urges . It pretends to us that being right is absolutely necessary for our survival . This type of mentality is part of the human design .

There's nothing morally wrong with you as a human for doing this . What is wrong , in my opinion , is failing to recognize it and failing to work on getting out of it . So when you can see that during a conversation you're operating from your need to be right , then just give yourself a moment .

If you feel a tinge of hate towards yourself for doing this , that is not necessary . Release yourself of the guilt , because that is the part of being human .

Part of being a better human is to overcome this programming , and that is not done through guilt but through self-love and self-forgiveness and unconditional self-love and self-forgiveness and unconditional self-acceptance .

So , for example , if I'm in an argument with my husband and allegedly it might have happened where I got involved in the argument because of the sake of being right , but if I walk away having won the argument , the only thing that feels good to me in that moment is that satisfaction of being right and that comes from a very short-lived hit of dopamine .

What it has actually cost me is real intimacy in my relationship and that indulgent moment of me celebrating the high of victory . I lose the sight of the price I actually paid .

On the other hand , if a difficult conversation turns into an argument and I recognize the part I'm playing in fueling the argument , I can accept this as originating from my primal thoughts . I can accept myself for having these thoughts and I can show up from curiosity , empathy and compassion for myself . This gives me a much higher chance of success .

This transition of preserving the long term and sacrificing the short term is what we're actually learning . We're leaning towards growth , deep connection and advancement in our careers over time , because that's what the soulful intellect directs us to do , while our nafs , our primal self , is only worried about winning the argument now .

So as a recap , step one don't stay in negative emotions longer than you have to Coach yourself out of it . Two drop your need to be correct . Three see 10% truth in what the other person has to say . If you apply these steps , your difficult conversations will become dramatically easier .

These conversations cannot be avoided . That's not what we're doing . People are created differently . There will always be a difference of opinion . Do what it is in your control to have success in your careers and personal relationships .

With that , I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that he makes all of us upright Muslims , capable of celebrating our differences and learning from them . O Allah , make these conversations our source of connection with other human beings rather than the cause of strife among us .

I pray to Allah to give us the path of ease and flow in our lives , to help us transition out of the grip of shaitan and the nafs and to really connect with our soulful voice . May Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , guide me and all of us in this journey to be upright Muslim women . I will talk to you guys next time .