Having Difficult Conversations with Ease

Today we're going to be talking about how to have difficult conversations as it applies to personal and professional relationships , and in my Empowered Muslim Woman program we usually cover this under the relationships module . So , first of all , difficult conversation is a thought , it is not a fact . You dreading having a conversation is because of your thoughts .

The other person or the circumstance is neutral . Great news is that the other person in a difficult conversation does not have to change . The person you're having the conversation with is neutral . He does not cause the difficulty . The circumstances are neutral . They are a part of your pre-ordainment or qadr . They do not cause difficulty .

You make it that way with your thoughts . Having acknowledged that you still want to come to a conversation , choosing to label it difficult . That is perfectly acceptable .

Like me having a conversation with my children about the hypersexuality of current society , that is super difficult for me , especially since I grew up in a conservative household , the topic of sex being completely tabooed . I am thinking these conversations with my children are difficult because of my background .

You might have a different background and these conversations might come completely naturally to you , so it's not so much about the topic itself , but we're making it difficult based on our thinking , and there's nothing wrong with that .

That acknowledgement itself actually helps me prepare ahead of time so that I don't miss the point of the conversation and so that I could take advantage of it . Meaning my acknowledgement of my thought that I'm having a difficult conversation with my children about hypersexuality helps me prepare better for it . It doesn't set me back .

It actually gives me a leg up because now I have the point of control clearly in my sight . The point of control is always only my thoughts . It also helps me if we experience any hiccups during the conversation . It provides me with better tools so that I can be more effective . The point of identifying your thinking is not to change it from .

This is a difficult conversation to well . This is the easiest conversation that I've ever had and it will flow naturally and smoothly .

The point of identifying that your thinking is creating the difficulty is so that you can actually take charge of the situation and do something about it instead of waiting for other person to change their opinion or for the world to change , for it to make it easier for you , which never happens .

While approaching difficult conversations , most of us have no idea how to come to the table without frustration , blame , shame or guilt . It might be news to some , like it was for me at one point , that we can have difficult conversations from a clean space . We can do it with ease and flow .

It might take some practice and it might take some rehearsing , some role-playing ahead of time , but it can be done without feeling terrible , and it's better to spend time rehearsing the difficult conversation in the front end rather than cleaning up the mess after having the conversation and have it turn into a fight which blows up in your face and then you're having

to clean up the mess afterwards . This creates a lot more frustration , anger and stress , not to mention this will create a far bigger drag on your time than any preparation ever can . So to prepare , I'm going to give you guys some pointers .

First , negative emotions get in the way of the ease that we want to find around having a difficult conversation , and let me tell you all negative emotions that stay around longer than they are needed , all of these unwelcomed emotions come from your primal self , that is your inner shaitan , trying to ruin your life in this world and the next .

So Islam teaches this concept that your own , one true self is your soul . That is the only true self . The wiser self inside of you . That is the true essence that was given to you by Allah . The wiser self inside of you , that is the true essence that was given to you by Allah .

The thoughts being contributed by this soul give you a sense of ease and flow in real life scenarios like a case of a difficult conversation . On the other hand , every human being is also given a challenge in terms of an internal voice that comes from shaitan , and these challenging voices make the experience of the difficult conversation terrible .

So the point is to switch from the devil's voice to a soulful voice that will bring us peace , tranquility , ease and flow , no matter how difficult we think the situation is . The biggest obstacle that shaitan creates is when he takes advantage of our nafs and its need to be right . This is the most primitive response of a human being .

Being able to be right at some point meant being able to survive and stay alive . That's how the primal brain interprets it when we think about it in today's terms . There is no actual survival at stake if you're not right .

Your brain loves being right when actually this need to be right costs you most of your intimacy and closeness in relationships and it costs you most of your professional opportunities in your careers . Being right about something doesn't really get you anything . There's no real advantage to proving yourself correct over others .

The only advantage is that your ego gets inflated . So it seems like you've accomplished a lot by proving yourself right , but nothing actually gets accomplished . Only people that do not believe in themselves , that do not have the self-trust , that sense of complete self-worth , those are the people that depend on this need to be right to validate themselves externally .

Those are the people that engage in arguments to prove a point . They put up a big front , inflated by the ego , but internally they're very fragile , dependent on approval from others to find that acceptance that they can never give themselves .

So the first step was to never let negative emotions stay longer than they need to , and second step is to give up your need to be right , because that's always coming from the nafs . Also , let me be clear this need of being right is not a moral flaw .

This is a part of being human , this pull downwards towards the primal self that takes us to our base desires , to our primal urges . It pretends to us that being right is absolutely necessary for our survival . This type of mentality is part of the human design . There's nothing morally wrong with you as a human for doing this .

What is wrong , in my opinion , is failing to recognize it and failing to work on getting out of it . So when you can see that during a conversation you're operating from your need to be right , then just give yourself a moment . If you feel a tinge of hate towards yourself for doing this , that is not necessary .

Release yourself of the guilt , because that is the part of being human . A part of being a better human is to overcome this programming , and that is not done through guilt but through self-love and self-forgiveness and unconditional self-acceptance .

So I will remind you guys , the most common objection I get is that people say to me common objection I get is that people say to me you're telling me once I recognize that I've been arguing with the people around me in the name of this false sense of preservation and I've ruined many moments of connection , moments of being an effective leader , I myself have

burned these bridges towards progress , growth and success . All because because of this sense of survival , which isn't even true , this false sense has cost me so much up until this point . And you want me to love that part about myself and the answer is yes . I know , I know it's so counterintuitive , but stay with me .

Hating and punishing your nafs is like hating and punishing yourself , because it is a part of you . If you do that , it's only going to overcome you , it's going to stay hidden and it's going to control you .

But if you love that part about yourself , you can acknowledge when it shows up for you and you can see that it's presenting to you this false sense of preservation .

So , while having a difficult conversation , you can sense when your ego is speaking out of its need to be right and when you see that , you accept it and you put it aside and you tell yourself there's no survival at stake here . Nothing has

gone wrong . This is a part of my programming . I'm going to apologize to myself if needed , and to the other party if that's necessary , and move on . So , for example , if I'm in an argument with my husband and allegedly it might have happened where I got involved in the argument because of the sake of being right .

But if I walk away having won the argument , the only thing that feels good to me in that moment is that satisfaction of being right , and that comes from a very short-lived hit of dopamine . What it has actually cost me is real intimacy in my relationship and that indulgent moment of me celebrating the high of victory .

I lose the sight of the price I actually paid . On the other hand , if a difficult conversation turns into an argument and I recognize the part I'm playing in fueling the argument into an argument , and I recognize the part I'm playing in fueling the argument I can accept this as originating from my primal thoughts .

I can accept myself for having these thoughts and I can show up from curiosity , empathy and compassion for myself . This gives me a much higher chance of success . This transition of preserving the long term and sacrificing the short term is what we're actually learning .

We're leaning towards growth , deep connection and advancement in our careers over time , because that's what the soulful intellect directs us to do , while our nafs , our primal self , is only worried about winning the argument now .

Another example is if my boss tells me that I'm leaving work too early , well , there's no exact prescribed hours for me , then I don't have to stand there and explain to her why she is wrong . I don't have to indulge in my need to be right . I could point out to her that I'm still getting the work done , regardless of how many hours I've spent .

I can show her how my work is actually of superior quality compared to any other person she could hire . I don't have to waste my energy in showing her how she's wrong about her opinion , and I can do all of this without a need of me being right .

So no moral flaw in the need to be right about everything , because if you have this , you're programmed as a human . But to overcome this programming will make you an upright Muslim .

Third , and yet another easy way to make this transition from the short-term success to the long-term success is to start by understanding that the other person's opinion has a potential of being correct , no matter how hard your brain is hammering at you that you are the one who's right . You're the one who knows the truth . You know what actually happened .

Just ask yourself how is the other person's opinion possibly correct ? And look for just 10% of truth in what they're saying . If you can just see that there is 10% truth in what they're saying , then it will be easier for you to let go of your need to be right .

From there you can have a constructive conversation and the difficulty of the conversation will start to melt away . An easy way to see the 10% truth in another person's argument is to just focus on the facts . Husband is saying I don't cook healthy meals . Employee is saying that the work hours are really long .

Coworker is saying that there's no way she can attend a meeting eight o'clock every morning . What are the facts in these situations ? The facts are I have a husband I can agree with that . He's saying words I can agree with that . Employee has work hours . Coworker said that she'll be attending the meeting . Virtually All of these are facts .

Now , finding this 10% common ground of the facts can be your basis to start the conversation . So why find this common ground ? Why do you have to look for the 10% facts ?

And that is because when you're having a difficult conversation , your internal voice is directed towards delivering criticism and subdued threats , trying to prove to the other person that their point of view is wrong .

What happens in those cases is that their walls go up and then there's no more room for a successful negotiation In cases like this , I want you guys to find the 10% facts and agree to them on it . This way , you increase the chances of receptivity from the other person . This was the quality by which the Prophet Muhammad delivered his message to us .

It was his duty to deliver a message in a way that people could relate to and understand , and it was easy for them to accept it . People's actions were not in his control , but he delivered the message in the most acceptable format possible , and that is in our control , and that is something we can learn from his sunnah .

A Muslim woman , as an effective leader , can be very smooth in her delivery of the message , accepting just 10% of the facts coming from the other party and just setting aside how much she disagrees with the rest . This opens a bridge of connection . It creates some room for empathy , which is the strongest language in any relationship .

Relationships are never built on rational language . If you can verbalize to the other party that 10% of what you agree on them with , that's when the magic starts to happen . Their objections start to melt away , even if , on the surface , they're still disagreeing with you and still holding on to their story .

The power of your empathy will touch their heart and they will come around sooner or later . This has been my experience in life and this is what most of leadership consultants teach . And all you have to do is drop your need to be correct and just see the 10% truth in the other party's opinion .

So , as a recap , step one don't stay in negative emotions longer than you have to Coach yourself out of it . Two , drop your need to be correct . Three , see 10% truth in what the other person has to say . If you apply these steps , your difficult conversations will become dramatically easier . These conversations cannot be avoided . That's not what we're doing .

People are created differently . There will always be a difference of opinion . Do what it is in your control to have success in your careers and personal relationships , believe it or

not . While I have given you some deep concepts here , we are going to be discussing more of this in detail in one of my upcoming webinars how to have difficult conversations . Besides the steps I've already given you , we will be building on the concept more and creating a deeper understanding of it .

If you attend live , you will also have a chance to ask questions and , best of all , you can get free coaching . That's right if you're facing a situation where you have to have a difficult conversation but you don't know how to navigate it . Come to the webinar , where I dedicate a big part towards coaching .

This webinar will be held on Sunday , august 7th , at 1 pm Eastern Time . Go to my website , wwwislamiclifecoachschoolcom , and under webinars you'll find a place to register , and the details with the link will be sent to your email . I will also leave the link in the show notes .

So I hold these webinars in a mini workshop style , where you will find an incredible transformation just by the end of the hour , inshallah . And the live webinar is free , so make sure not to miss it . With that , I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , that he makes all of us upright Muslims , capable of celebrating our differences and learning from them .

O Allah , make these conversations our source of connection with other human beings rather than the cause of strife among us . I pray to Allah to give us the path of ease and flow in our lives , to help us transition out of the grip of shaitan and the nafs and to really connect with our soulful voice .

May Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , guide me and all of us in this journey to be upright Muslim women . I will talk to you guys next time .