Freedom from Emotional Pain

It's a free group coaching session open to Muslim women . I get to meet amazing bunch of women and I'm so glad I decided to do this , because the need of this group coaching came from multiple directions .

Leaders in my community told me that women are looking for some guidance , so I offered it to local Muslim women and I offered it to the people on my email list , my followers on social media and , alhamdulillah , response has been amazing . People come in , ask questions , get coached .

This is a very informal setting and everyone's very chill , but they do get an immense value out of it .

This format of group coaching is similar to the group coaching that I do in my paid program , but , needless to say , the group coaching in the do in my paid program , but , needless to say , the group coaching in the EMW or Empowered Muslim Women paid program is much more intimate and , of course , the results are more profound because people who pay for the

program are much more dedicated to the results and they are much more involved and they ask more questions and they verbalize their confusions when they go out and put my teachings into practice . And they don't get it the first time .

They ask questions , they ask for clarifications and through these questions they get a larger shift in their mindset and they change their lives . Now this again is available for both my group coaching program and the free coaching that I'm providing on Wednesdays .

But people in my paid coaching program of and the free coaching that I'm providing on Wednesdays but people in my paid coaching program , of course again see a larger and a deeper shift just because of their dedication to their work . But I do offer you guys that you have the same opportunity available on Wednesdays .

Log on to my website , go into the resources , click the link for Wisdom Wednesdays and it will give you the schedule of when these classes are being held , and you have to be on my email list to get the Zoom link . The reason I decided to call it Wisdom Wednesdays is because we start to practice your wisdom , your authority , your expertise , not mine .

So today the topic is about functional and dysfunctional pain . It seems that difficulties in life get in the way of purifying our character , but it's actually dysfunctional pain that gets in the way . There is original pain , the necessary pain . Then there is artificial , created pain , and that's unnecessary pain .

This unnecessary pain is created by our default , primitive lower brain . This is our nuffs and this is what gets in the way of optimal moral character development . So what does it actually mean to have functional and dysfunctional pain ? Functional pain is that you need sleep at the end of a long day and you require rest .

The discomfort of being tired is functional pain . Human beings have basic needs of shelter , food and rest , and when you don't have that , it causes functional pain .

Dysfunctional pain develops when you make your tiredness mean something about you , that you're not productive enough and you start to compare yourself to others , to feel bad about how they're able to do so much more and you need to go to bed to get some rest . Then , of course , there are examples of physical hunger and emotional hunger .

Physical hunger is the response , your body's need for nourishment . This is functional pain . It tends to come on gradually and can be satisfied by wholesome foods gradually and can be satisfied by wholesome foods . On the other hand , emotional hunger is dysfunctional pain . It is often triggered by stress , boredom , anger , despair or other similar emotions .

One way to tell the difference between physical and emotional hunger is to pay attention to the physical sensations you're experiencing . Physical hunger is often accompanied by feelings of emptiness or physical discomfort in the stomach .

Emotional hunger , on the other hand , may be accompanied by cravings for a specific type of food , with an urgency to eat to dissolve the discomfort . This is a helpful skill for my sisters looking to lose weight that they have gained due to emotional eating . It can also be helpful to consider your behavior when you're hungry .

If you're eating in response to physical hunger , you're more likely to eat until you're satisfied and then stop . If you're eating in response to emotional hunger , you continue to eat even after you're full . Mostly when I'm coaching and I ask clients how do you know when you're hungry , emotional eaters give me a logical answer based on their thoughts .

Something like I ate four hours ago , so it might be time for me to eat again . I didn't eat as much earlier , so then I eat again . Only proper response to how do you know that you're hungry is based on your body . Looking into your body to check if you're hungry or not is based on your body Looking into your body to check if you're hungry or not .

This is the Islamic teaching Only eating when you're hungry . And looking into the body's sensation of hunger before you eat . Artificial , highly engineered foods like refined sugars and flour mess with the natural hunger cues .

But while that's a different topic and I have a whole program in it inside EMW coaching , for now I want to go back to functional and dysfunctional pain . So , for example , you sprain your ankle or you fell down or you bruise your knee that's functional pain . Dysfunctional pain is that , on top of that physical pain , then you become the victim of that injury .

Dysfunctional pain is thinking I'm always falling , I'm always running into things , I'm accident prone , I have two left feet . This type of thinking creates ongoing pain without the functional acute pain .

Every human being is designed to experience functional pain . They're not designed to experience dysfunctional pain . Now , let me repeat this Every human being is designed to experience functional pain . They're actually subconsciously seeking it . Most of our functional pain comes from our need for growth .

The functional pain are the tests in our life , the trials and the tribulations that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said we will face in this world . We are well designed and well equipped to handle that with proper and mental , spiritual fitness . But dysfunctional pain is created by the judgment of the functional pain .

If your work is already stressful , then you make it more stressful with your thoughts . My work was very stressful at the height of COVID . That was functional pain . That was something we had never seen before , not trained for before . We were learning as we moved along . But it was up to me to not make it into dysfunctional pain with my thoughts .

And the way I did that is by relying on Allah's plan . Verily , with every hardship there is ease . I kept reminding myself that this too will get better . Dysfunctional pain makes the functional pain looks much bigger and more painful and longer lasting than it actually is . And I don't just mean pain like when you cut your finger or stub your toe .

I also mean emotional pain , like the heavy emotions of sadness , stress , anxiety , frustration . Tough experiences in our life become the necessary pain . This is the pain we need to experience in order to grow . But when we resist this necessary pain and on top of that , create a lot of unnecessary pain , we create suffering in the process .

We spend a tremendous amount of time trying to avoid functional pain that shrinks our life into nothing .

Except if we just moved into the functional side of the discomfort , if we said yes to the human experience , being open to feeling the stress , the frustration , the anxiety , the sadness , then our lives would expand and it would include the true spirit of ihsan , because ihsan is about growth , about striving .

When we create less and less dysfunctional pain , that's when our lives have the potential of having exponential growth , inshallah . So I'm going to be giving you a lot of different terms for both of these types of pains to give you a good understanding of what I actually mean . So functional is natural pain . Dysfunctional is unnatural pain .

Both are created by your nervous system . One is inevitable , the other is inevitable . It comes with a part of being human on this earth . We are very well informed of it . In our tradition of Islam we are told that this life on earth will be about disturbances , trials and tribulations and difficulties . Only life in paradise is going to be stress-free .

So the functional pain is inevitable . And this is where I have people disagree with me the most , which is fine , and I'm all about the disagreement and I'm all about engaging in dialogue . That helps me understand your point of view and helps me see mine and see if I can come across with it with a different angle .

But one important point I want to make is most of the time the conversation that the other person brings to the table has to do with the fact that they're not able to distinguish between natural and unnatural pain .

They cannot tell functional and dysfunctional pain apart yet , and then they bring the objection of I'm telling them they have to go through functional pain , but most of the time they're misinterpreting it because to them it feels like I'm asking them to go through dysfunctional pain .

Most of the time their argument is so you mean to tell me that I'm to blame for creating this pain when my mom passed away . I'm to be blamed for creating this pain because my family was abusive and I want to move away from them . And that is actually not at all what I'm saying . I always tell you guys that blame is a useless strategy for change .

All of these scenarios call for functional pain . If you are in a difficult situation , of course it is natural for your nervous system to create pain . That is the normal thing to do . But I think there is a tremendous amount of pathology that can stem from not accepting your functional pain , not taking ownership of it , not making it real .

And , at the same token , tremendous amount of pathology stems from continually making dysfunctional pain real , continually dwelling in unnatural side of the pain . Without the natural functional pain , you have no perception of the contrast of life .

It is true that pain serves as a contrast to pleasure and it can help us appreciate the value of positive aspects of life . Without the experience of pain , we will not understand and appreciate the concept of well-being and comfort pain . We will not understand and appreciate the concept of well-being and comfort .

Pain can also serve as a warning sign , alerting us to injuries or other physical problems that need to be addressed . But it is important to manage it and keep it in its place and not let it overcome our lives . Quality of your life suffers from the resistance to natural pain . It does not suffer from the existence of natural pain .

Quality of your life improves due to the presence of natural pain . Quality of your life also improves when you stop creating dysfunctional pain . Functional pain is that guilt that you feel when you didn't show up at your 100% . You winged the project . You didn't study exactly like you wanted to for the exam . Your attention was somewhere else .

Guilt will arise because your thoughts are that you've been lazy or you cut corners . You went to the friend's house instead of focusing on the exam . This is clean , natural , functional pain coming through your thoughts .

But if you make that guilt mean that you're not meant for greater things in life , you're not capable of getting straight A's , you're not smart enough , or you project it to other people and circumstances , saying women don't get promotions in this company , blaming and becoming a victim . This is all dysfunctional , unnecessary , unnatural pain .

Both come from your thoughts . One is beneficial , one is detrimental . For me , functional pain is spending hours on a case at the hospital , knowing I did everything but the patient didn't respond to treatment , and me having the responsibility of bearing the bad news to the family . No matter how hard I try , it does not get easier .

Maybe it's not something I want to get easier , asking family members to say their final goodbyes . That is the human side of pain . Real and raw . Dysfunctional pain would be if I made it mean I am responsible for this . I am not fit for this . I can't continue to do this . Someone else can do this better than I can .

There is absolutely no need for these types of judgmental thoughts . Again primal origin from our nafsi brain and shaitan takes full advantage of that . Dysfunctional pain is always psychological . Functional pain can be both psychological and physical . Functional pain is grief After losing a loved one . Dysfunctional pain is discomfort with that grief .

Grief is the only type of pain that is natural and necessary as a part of the healing process and it is often accompanied by feelings of sadness , longing . But dysfunctional pain , on the other hand , would be the discomfort and the anxiety about this grief that creates a lack of closure and prolongs healing . Necessary pain functional pain is adaptive .

It's meaningful , it's direct , it's acute , it's clear and honest pain . Unnecessary . Dysfunctional pain is chronic , maladaptive , it's pointless , it creates suffering . This is why I say suffering is optional , because suffering is the optional extra layer on the needed pain . Dysfunctional pain is indirect , it's secondary , it is the extra added layer , it is ambiguous .

Functional pain is absolutely needed for growth . It's transformative , it's beneficial . Dysfunctional pain is maladaptive . It's destructive , harmful , unproductive pain . Functional pain is informative . It signals you , it gives you knowledge , it provides warning , information , instructions , guidance . Dysfunctional pain is all noise .

It's irrelevant , misleading , misguiding , puzzling , confusing and a complete waste of energy . Functional pain is what you need to go through , to help you grow , to help you overcome your natural learning curve , to help you understand yourself better . Functional pain has to be present for you to understand the contrast of life .

Functional pain has to be present for you to understand the contrast of life . This functional pain is just emotional , it's exhausting , non-revealing , it blocks your growth , it limits your life . No-transcript . That way it feels like life is only and completely filled with pain , when it is actually not . Life is always 50-50 , always half and half .

When people's life is completely overtaken by pain and they're stagnant in their growth and their life , this is the point where they reach out to me for coaching . At that point they've limited their life so much that they're proverbially suffocating and we release the suffering by releasing dysfunctional pain . All emotional pain is created by your thoughts .

All pain is optional , but you want to take the option of creating pain when it helps you heal and leave the option of creating pain when it disarms you . Again , both functional and dysfunctional pain are created by you , but you want to create clean pain because it takes you to the next level .

It heals you , it informs you , it grows you as a person , it provides character refinement , one of the most important tasks that we're supposed to be doing as a person . It provides character refinement , one of the most important tasks that we're supposed to be doing as Muslim women .

Dysfunctional pain is also created by your thoughts , but these thoughts are originating from the lower brain , the primitive circuitry otherwise described in our religion as the source of the whispers of shaitan . Functional pain is that you start a married life and things are so different than what you're used to .

You miss home , you miss your parents , you miss your lifestyle . Dysfunctional pain is when you extend that story to make it mean that something has gone wrong , husband is responsible for this , or that you were tricked into this . Let me remind you something You're supposed to miss your parents , but you also chose to get married .

Functional pain is the growing pains you're experiencing being in the next phase of your life . It has been a huge shift in your life . Of course , your nervous system is going to throw a tantrum . Or let's say , functional pain is that you think your in-laws are intrusive .

Your privacy was respected in your parents' home , but in-laws seem to have a different definition of privacy . This type of functional pain will direct you to create respectful but stern boundaries . This functional pain would make up stories like . You're married into the wrong family , your husband does not care about you , he does not have your back .

What is wrong with these people ? They will never learn . Why does my life have to turn out like this ? Dysfunctional pain not only creates no good outcome , it perpetuates misery . One way to figure out if you're creating functional or dysfunctional pain is when I teach you guys the C-NIR formula circumstances-nervous system , emotions , actions and results .

C-nir Put functional pain in the circumstance and apply your thinking to it . Observe about it . What are you making the functional pain mean ? If you create something constructive out of the pain , then it's functional pain .

If you create further destruction , further pain for yourself , if you create a downward vortex in your life , then you're creating dysfunctional pain . That is probably the easiest instruction I can give you over a podcast , to help you tell apart . Which pain are you creating . Let's say you're experiencing anxiety , the clean pain of anxiety as a circumstance .

If you're making it mean that my in-laws are intrusive and that thought gives you anxiety , that anxiety is a level of pain that you're supposed to create Again , to turn it into functional pain . Just ask yourself what is this anxiety teaching me ? How can I respect their way of life and also make my own needs known .

How can I create respectful boundaries in my married life ? Put your pain into the circumstance line and ask yourself what am I making it mean and how can I create something constructive out of it ? Or let's say your example is my supervisor criticized me when I actually put in a lot of hard work . The criticism , pain that you feel is functional .

It is your mind creating it . But observe it and see what that level of pain is teaching you . Boss's words are neutral . You assign it a meaning that makes it feel like criticism to you . Even that level of pain is optional .

But if you choose to continue to think that my boss doesn't like my work , that makes you feel like it's a criticism , then you can apply yet another level of metacognition , yet another level of thinking about your thinking , and find out what does this criticism mean to you ? How can you create it into something constructive ?

Is there actually something that you need to change and improve your work before you submit it ? Did you procrastinate ? Did you submit a lower level report than you usually do , or did you work with efficiency and it was your best work and your supervisor is just mistaken ? Is there something that you can do or say to help her change her perception and opinion .

Suffering about the criticism is optional . Always , functional pain has a greater message behind it . The pain is uncomfortable . The anxiety , the discomfort , the tightness , the pressure , whatever you're feeling . It's going to be uncomfortable . But discomfort does not necessarily mean unhealthy .

This discomfort can teach you a tremendous amount about what you are otherwise not consciously paying attention to . Treat this discomfort as a great teacher . Functional pain is a teacher . Dysfunctional pain is a destroyer . Nobody's life can be absolutely discomfort-free . It does not matter how rich or how popular you are . You cannot have a completely discomfort-free life .

Everyone is programmed to create some level of pain , to enjoy a certain level of freedom from the pain . Let's say you're facing a circumstance of a child's diagnosis of food allergies .

Functional pain is all of the thinking that you have to do about what do you have to do to keep them safe and healthy , and feeling the related anxiety and channeling it towards making the best of the situation . Dysfunctional pain is letting that anxiety turn into neurosis . Let it consume both you and your child's life . Not let the kids make any friends .

Not let the kids hang out at parties . Making the child , a victim of the diagnosis hang out at parties , making the child a victim of the diagnosis . The way to know which one you're experiencing is to pay attention to the molding process . If you see yourself coming out on the other side as a stronger person , you've gone through functional pain .

But if you come out of the other side broken , more sensitive , less functional and farther away from your dreams and values , then you've indulged in dysfunctional pain and all it tells you is that you have to course correct . Dysfunctional pain leads to all levels of addictions , preoccupation with fantasy .

Functional pain leads to growth and momentum , and all that it means is that there is such a thing as appropriate discomfort . There is , again , a lot of value in that , when it arrives , it is to be embraced with curiosity , not resisted . Again .

Grief is probably the only example of the cleanest of the functional pains , something that can last a long while Every other kind of discomfort and pain , like anxiety , distress , fear , judgment , only need to be present for a very brief period of time for it to teach their part of their lesson .

Reason why we move further and further away from embracing the functional pain is because current economy is designed to make us inappropriately comfortable all the time it is designed to erase all and any trace of discomfort . It is designed so that at the slightest hint of the pain we seek a pleasure stimulus .

But what I've noticed is the more uncomfortable I am in my life , the more genuine pleasure I experience on the other side of it . This is not to say that I invite pain into my life or that I indulge in it , but being willing to be present with it is life-changing .

If you guys can get your mind around just this one concept , it is insanely life-changing , not to mention mind-blowing . And again , whenever I talk about consumer economy , that does not mean that I'm telling you to not purchase things or don't use the economic advantages to make your life easier .

It just means you don't use it to escape the maladaptive part of the pain . The Western society as it runs now is that first we create the maladaptive pain because no one teaches us how not to do that maybe except this podcast .

After we create that maladaptive pain because nobody taught us otherwise , then we work insane amount of hours sacrificing family and spirituality to earn enough money so that we can buy our vacation . Our way out of this maladaptive pain .

The only secret is in not creating maladaptive pain in the first place , rather than creating it and then escaping it with consumerism . So all of this is going to be food for your thought . Clean pain is diagnostic pain . It's curative , it's corrective , it's psychogenic or actual physical pain . Dirty pain is always pathogenic and always only psychogenic .

Clean pain is purposeful , it's functional , it's meaningful , it is necessary , it's enlightening , it's needed . Dirty pain is purposeless , it's pointless , it's senseless , it's exhausting , it's never-ending . Functional discomfort is required . It's vital . It gives indispensable information . Unnecessary discomfort is extraneous .

It's dispensable something that you can totally do and totally avoidable . It's redundant , debilitating , corruptive to the soul and thus to our character as a human being . Adaptive pain is growth-oriented . It's beneficial and transformative to our character . Functional pain is the primary injury .

Dysfunctional pain is the secondary injury we add to it with our default brain . I have gotten a lot better at processing and allowing my emotions before acting on them , and that's the art of letting functional pain be present . Because there are three things you can do with an emotion you can resist it , you can escape it or you can allow it .

Allowing is what I also call digesting an emotion . When you eat a meal , it takes time for your gut to break it down into pieces and dissolve it . Same as with emotions , but it doesn't take that long to digest an emotion or to break it down into component parts . Digesting food is a lot longer If you don't recreate the discomfort with your mind .

Maximum amount of time it will take for you to digest an emotion will be around 90 seconds , and I say maximum loosely , because it's different for different people . A lot of times it's even less than that with practice , with skill . A lot of times that's how long the functional pain needs to last .

There is a great push towards eagerness and rush to solve for discomfort and there doesn't need to be any rush . Let's not rush to solve the pain prematurely because it might be present to help us learn something . It might be present to help us experience growth , wellness , living , wholesome living , cannot be without pain .

Resisting the necessary pain makes hurt into agony . It takes the original discomfort and turns it into anguish . The only thing you need to pay attention to is what you are making the clean pain mean . Your mind escalates the functional pain into dysfunctional pain . It takes the original injury and adds insult to injury by creating stories upon stories .

The brain at that point has to be redirected and actively stopped . This is exactly what we spend time doing in our coaching program in Empowered Muslim Women . Coaching is about cleaning up the dirty pain . Coaching is not about eliminating all kind of pain . That cannot be accomplished in this life .

The dysfunctional pain pretends to be important , but it provides no value and it leaves you in a deeper hole . Understanding this difference between functional and dysfunctional pain creates healthy methods of coping With that . I make dua to Allah SWT , ya Rahman , ya Rahim , the Most Merciful and Compassionate

. We turn to you in times of pain and suffering . We ask for your protection from the pain that causes harm and dysfunction in our lives and we ask for the grace to endure and learn from the pain that brings growth and refinement to our character .

Knowing that you , o Allah , are the ultimate healer and acknowledging that nothing happens without your permission , we ask that you protect us from all of the tests of the world and grant us the strength and patience to face any challenges that might come up in our lives .

Grant us the patience and the intelligence to use these challenges as opportunities to learn and gain closeness to you , o Allah . O Allah , I ask that you heal our body , mind and soul from any pain and discomfort . I ask that you guide us towards what is good for us and away from what is harmful .

I ask that you grant us the ability to find peace and contentment in a situation and especially forgive me in any mistakes I might have made in this message and for all of you listeners . Please keep me in your Dharas . I will talk to you guys next time .