Fluid Identities

I want to tell you about the state of my exhaustion and restlessness when I was achieving , perfecting , working harder , trying to do more , I was running myself to the ground and still couldn't find happiness and , ironically , I thought that somehow the answer was to do more Because , like most people on the planet , I was trying to change the world around me , to

help myself feel better and to feel safe . That is not how it works and , unfortunately , there's nobody out there that is telling us how it actually works . I want to answer that how in these podcasts , so you won't have to make the same mistake as I did . Hyperachievement mentality is a part of Western culture and it seems like it's the norm .

Everyone considers it to be normal to be always doing something and achieving , if you want to be taken seriously .

Furthermore , your feelings of peace , happiness , safety that I was so desperately trying to find all only come from your and all of your thoughts are optional when we change circumstances , like getting a new job , getting married , taking all the required actions , always doing none of these things give us feelings of happiness and fulfillment .

With each achievement or the object we acquire , it just becomes easier for us to think that these things make us happy , and we prove this true to ourselves over and over again when this new , shiny object feels great for the time being and then we set out looking for the next fix , continuing the cycle .

Continuing the cycle , this temporary relief that we get , is the easiest way to get disillusioned into believing that getting this new goal accomplished is what made you happy . But soon after that the brain returns to old patterns and starts finding flaws . That's the primal brain's job to look for outliers that can cause harm .

So in any given condition , after a while it becomes harder and harder to find happiness because the brain is only presenting to you the things that are wrong . No amount of accomplishments , no amount of money , cars , size of a house , how perfect you thought your spouse was when you got married can change this wiring .

This type of wiring can only be changed by mind management . In the book High Five , habit author gives a great example of lint on the brain . There's a system in the brain called the reticular activating system , or RAS for short . Now I've called it the ridiculous activating system in my previous podcast .

But the sole responsibility of this system is to filter information that enters the brain With the amount of information that is actually present in our environment . If all of it was to enter our nervous system , our brain would go into overdrive and short circuit . That will not be good for us .

So in order to reduce the amount of information that filters into our brain , this RAS only lets in certain bits and pieces of information . She gives an example of when the system is kind of like a dryer and over time the dryer filter collects lint .

This lint example , when applied to the human brain , is actually uncorrected self-critical thoughts , thoughts that we keep telling us that we're not good enough or skilled enough . So everything that's coming from the environment comes through the lint that has been collected .

When we actually learn to clean this layer of lint is when the filter gets cleaner , and this is what I teach you guys in my coaching program , where I teach you self-coaching , where you can carry that skill throughout your life .

Now it is because of this layer of lint that every new situation starts to seem dismal soon after , and then you start to look for the next escape , next vacation , next degree , next relationship that will fix your internal turmoil . And in every new situation you find yourself in , the cycle repeats itself .

So human beings go through life blaming others , manipulating circumstances , and they are being led to believe that there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed . So then the consumer economy pushes products and services onto this confused consumer , so that this consumer economy can sustain itself . They do it by selling us the next fix .

Now I don't disagree with capitalism . I disagree with consumerism . In capitalism , the growth is driven by value exchange , and in consumerism , it looks like we're growing but we're just actually consuming . There's a huge difference .

Consumerism is a direct result of this quick fix feeling , so we don't actually have to deal with our difficult emotions , since the shiny new object that we acquired seems to have made us happy .

Any of these items that seem to cause our happiness do not address the root cause , and the root cause is that our mind is being taken over by our low self , or the low nafs nafs al-armara , bil su , or nafs al-armara for short . This natural wiring of the brain to incline towards self-destructive behavior is being taken advantage of by shaitan .

He uses this innate system to dominate us by his whispers . Usually , the difference between the two nafs , al-armara and the voice of the whispers of shaitan , is that the nafs will tell you to do a bold , blatant sin . It will say rob a bank . It will justify committing zina , it will justify abusing others and trample on their rights with blatant disregard .

Usually , if you've kept yourself in check and a suggestion like this comes to you , you'd be shocked and experience disgust . But if shaitan has had a chance to to you , you'd be shocked and experience disgust . But if Shaitan has had a chance to influence you undetected , over time , any of these suggestions can start to look normal and acceptable .

Most commonly , though , shaitan influences us by letting us believe the thoughts of shame , guilt , anxiety , panic and general sense of doom , and over time , time , instead of robbing a bank , we rob ourselves of our highest purpose on this earth . It's practically the same process .

So you might not be committing a crime against humanity , but you are committing a crime against yourself . Accept these suggestions of big sins as their reality and actually commit these acts .

Have gone through years and years of listening to the whispers of shaitan and have been primed to actually commit these acts without batting an eye or giving it another thought . For other people who listened to the whispers of shaitan , it could sound as benign as any self-pity thought . Why can I get this right ? I am not meant to learn this skill .

I'm disadvantaged because of my life . All of these are optional thoughts sent to you by Shaitan . So you're being primed to underperform , stay in despair and your ridiculous activating system is being primed to collect more and more dirt about yourself . What is mind management and why is it important ?

As default , most efficient and least energy-consuming pathway of the brain is the one that's wired to think of self-sabotaging and judgmental thoughts . All waswasas , these little nuggets of thoughts , if not identified and dealt with , will start to appear factual with time . I will say it again all thoughts are optional . They are not facts .

Allah is One , is a thought . There are many people who think there are many gods to worship . When Allah sent human beings to earth , he knew they will go astray , which is why he sent His messengers .

So when I choose to believe in the oneness of Allah , when I choose to believe the message of the Prophet , I'm choosing these thoughts deliberately , over and over again , to reaffirm my belief .

I follow the seerah of the Prophet peace be upon him on purpose , knowing full well that I have the option of not doing so , just like many others on this earth , full well that I have the option of not doing so . Just like many others on this earth , I practice tarheed , belief in the oneness of Allah . I practice tawakkul , trusting in God's plan .

I practice living my life the way Rasulullah taught us . I do it deliberately , I do it consciously and I put effort in to show my belief through my actions . All of this is optional . All thoughts are optional .

So far , I reviewed all of this information because I wanted to make one point , and that is you are not your thoughts , you are not your feelings , you're not even your actions . We create identities that are based on repeated thoughts . So , like I said , self-critical thoughts come extremely naturally to us .

We will start to think that we are incapable , we are inferior and we are disadvantaged , and the cycle feeds on itself . And to break this cycle , I will tell you that you are not your thoughts , you're not your feelings , you're not even your repeated actions and behaviors .

You are a soul that was breathed into you in the womb and you were placed in this body so you can exist in this earthly world . The first soul that was breathed in was of Adam alaihi salam . His body was made out of clay , which is the earthly material that can carry the soul through the journey of the earth , and the body being the vessel .

All of this to carry the vision of your soul to fruition . And your soul only has one ultimate vision and that is to seek allah . Performance , achievements , acquiring things of this world can be just steps in the ladder of ultimate realization that the soul only seeks submission to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala . So you are not your thoughts .

You are not your stories that the brain presents to you . You are not the constant language in your head . Use this concept to untether yourself from the downward pulling thoughts , feelings and actions . If you mistakenly identify as being your thoughts , you are very quickly going to start to identify with the negative thoughts .

Plus , you are not your feelings or emotions , no matter how intensely you feel them . Imagine the height of an intense emotion , like anger or rage you're boiling over . Or imagine deep grief you feel like you're collapsing internally . Imagine extreme love You're bursting at your seams with the emotional energy of love . Still , you are not these feelings .

You are not your emotions , either negative or positive . You are just experiencing them , and this is done through this beautiful design of an intricately complex body that you are carrying .

I will go on to say that you're not even your actions , because it becomes harder to separate our identity from our actions , because it is easier to objectively identify based on repeated , visible behavior . I mean , what do you mean ? I'm not a bad driver . I can't even find directions properly . I keep taking wrong turns . I get anxious in traffic .

What do you mean ? I can be athletic . I'm overweight . I never work out . I lose my breath just going up one flight of stairs . I lose my breath just going up one flight of stairs . Your identity of a bad driver , a bad CEO , a bad mother is a collection of self-deprecating thoughts that led you to feel inadequate towards your skills .

That proved , through your series of inactions , that you are a bad driver . It is not your ultimate identity . You're not a bad mom , a bad boss , a bad friend , bad insert , anything you're currently believing to be bad at . You've just collected enough evidence because of repeatedly identifying yourself with limiting thoughts .

The one distinct point I want to make in this podcast is that all of our current psychology that is identity-based is rooted in this world only , and that can be good and bad , and you'll find out why .

If you want to become physically fit an identity that belongs to this world you have to start identifying yourself as an athletic person , so identity becomes your repeated actions . I'm an athletic person , as evident by my actions of going to the gym four times a week running and participating in team sports .

Your identity of being an athletic person is a great quality , but still belongs to this world . A bad mom or a bad cook , your identity of being a graphic designer , a photographer , being an IT consultant , a mother , a wife , politician or a CEO all belong to this world .

All of these identities will serve you greatly for the goals of this world , and I don't mean it in a bad way . It is an excellent gift that psychology has given us so we can live a life of vision and purpose on this planet .

In my coaching program , I teach my clients how to solidify their identities depending on their goals and when we can change them , and it's fascinating to watch people change the most hardwired identities , something that they previously thought was wired into their DNA .

It turns out it was all just self-limiting beliefs that they developed over time , using coaching techniques that are based on psychology and neurosciences , we can reverse them , but I'm making this point to say that we should keep the identities that serve us for reaching our highest goals in this world , and all identities start with thoughts . I am a great cook .

I have a good eye for art . I am better at my job than most . Now , why am I telling you all of this ? It's because when we start to see our identities as fluid , it helps us to build them to our advantage and break them down when they are at our disadvantage . For example , I never pray on time . I never wake up for my Fajr alarm .

This is an identity that you've created with repeated thoughts that might have originated when you went to bed late one day and were too tired to get out of bed for Fajr . At that point , you might have started thinking to yourself I can't do this . This is too hard . All optional thoughts .

I never prey on time is a fluid identity , just like I am the best mother to my children . None of these identities are hardwired into your DNA . You can continue to build them up or break them down , depending on what you think will serve you . I never pray on time will never serve you . Instead , you can think I'm taking it seriously to pray on time .

I am attempting to pray on time . Repeat this thought and that identity will serve you very well in the afterlife . Insha'allah , I pray on time again . Fluid an identity that belongs to this world . This concept serves us best when we are trying to get out of the trap of Nafs al-ammara or the whispers of shaitan .

In these cases , it is very important to remember that identities are fluid . If you are currently on a trajectory where you're getting closer to your goal , then keep the identity . But if you are on a trajectory that is taking you away from your goal , then just understand that you have the option of changing that direction if you so choose .

So you are not your thoughts , feelings or actions . You always have an option of choosing them as they help you reach your desired outcome . An ideal desired outcome is to please Allah and , insha'allah , earn a place in Jannah . Keep your identity if it helps you meet this purpose . Otherwise it is dead weight .

You want to be a respectful daughter to your elderly parents , but they test your patience . You end up being reactive to them . You might have guilt about it . That is only designed to show up for a second so you can make amends for your behavior . But drop the ongoing story about how horrible of a person you are .

You will end up creating a story that will not serve your goal of a respectful daughter . Fluid identity . If you want to be a successful entrepreneur , construct a story by repeating thoughts that prove to you that you are a great entrepreneur . Drop the rest Things like I'm not good with numbers . I don't know how to complete a purchase order .

I'm not good with numbers . I don't know how to complete a purchase order . I'm not good with networking . Drop your inner critic's voice in the favor of the thoughts that will help you create an identity of a successful entrepreneur . Again , it's fluid .

With this method , you'll be able to get to your goals of a respectful daughter and a successful entrepreneur and someone who preys on time . But if you don't learn to redirect your mind , it will literally self-destruct under the influence of your nafs , the hardwired RAS that will filter in all the reasons your self-critical thoughts are true .

Your identity that belongs in this world , to this earthly body , is dependent on your thoughts . But you are not your thoughts , because in the end , the only thing that will save you is what your soul is guiding you to seek and that is the connection to the divine , the ultimate and the greatest goal .

All of the traditional acts of Arbada that we are prescribed are obviously the way to strengthen thatbadah that we are prescribed are obviously the way to strengthen that connection , and we are promised a reward from Allah SWT for all of those acts of Ibadah . But you can also strengthen that connection through worldly goals , through your fluid identities .

Always be mindful that the root cause of the problem is never the circumstance , it is never the goal or your current standing in life . It is always a thought .

If you take actions under the influence of the thoughts of shaitan , the action might seem noble on the surface , but they will be detrimental to your soul and will ultimately create a result that is harmful . That was the life I was spinning in , despite of doing everything by the book . I was neck deep in resentment and guilt .

The lower self will have you hyper-achieving . You might even be successful with that mentality , but you will never be fulfilled . All of these fluid identities are scripts that you've chosen to adapt to fulfill your purpose in this world . Our mind cannot run in vacuums . It needs something to think .

These scripts of identities take the mind out of the vacuum and give it the directions that it can follow . The worldly script that I've given my brain is that I'm a hijabi professional , modest Muslim woman , respectful towards others in my roles as a mother , wife , daughter , sister , friend and a skilled physician .

And , most of all , I take pride in being a practicing Muslimah . In being a practicing Muslimah , I wake up every day and I choose these identities and then I make sure that all of my day's actions are aligned with them . A lot of times I fail miserably at keeping these scripts , but I get up , dust myself off and keep moving forward .

I choose a life of growth and I create my own contentment and happiness from my mind , independent of my circumstances .

When a script stops to serve , you drop it . You always have that option . You even have the option of dropping your script of a soulful worshipper of Allah , and there are so many people who have lost the plot on that , and I shudder just at a thought that this could one day potentially happen to me as well .

So make sure you're deliberately repeating all of your intentional thoughts . I choose to be a soulful worshipper of Allah , or it might slip away from you one of these days by some unseen forces , when these unseen forces are just your subconscious thoughts .

All of your worldly identities and scripts are fluid , all of them including the negative and the positive , the good and the bad , fulfilling or self-deprecating . So choose them wisely . When you adopt an identity of a soulful worshiper and you continue to develop that skill , you create a life of ihsan . With that , I pray to Allah SWT .

A life of ihsan for all of my listeners and for anyone who you guys come in contact with and for the whole Muslim ummah in general . I pray that Allah continues to guide us towards being a soulful servant of Allah . I pray that he grants us tawfiq to create identities so that they're only for the pleasure of Allah .

May he accept all of our efforts that we go through while becoming a servant of Allah . May Allah accept all of our acts of ibadah and elevate the condition of this ummah . Please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .