Filling a Relationship Void

Today we're going to be talking about relationships , specifically how to take care of yourself and how to deal with a relationship that ended Filling a relationship void , if you will . So relationship at their core exists only as a construct within your mind . This is going to be a bit of an abstract concept , but stick with me .

Relationships are your thoughts about other people . Every memory , perception , emotion tied to someone is a reflection of your mental engagement with them . Your relationship with them exists because you think it does . It's nothing solid , it's your thoughts about them . And just because I'm saying it's your thoughts does not mean it's any less important or less meaningful .

Acknowledging that relationships are mental and energetic constructs does not make them less significant or less sacred . And , depending on the amount of time you spend consciously or subconsciously thinking how meaningful that relationship was , that's how much weight it will carry for you . And , of course , meaningfulness does not always mean a positive meaning .

It also means a negative meaning , like holding grudges , being upset or angry at people . That is also a weighted relationship , as explained by this definition , but this is a self-harming meaning that you're giving to that relationship and , with this description , the more meaningful a relationship is to you , the more of your mental energy it occupies .

So , just like your relationship with them exists in your mind , their relationship with you only exists in their mind , based on their thoughts about you . This fundamental asymmetry reveals an important truth you have no control over the relationship they perceive , just as they have no control over how you perceive them and their relationship .

Each person's experience of the relationship is entirely their own . By redefining these relationships as thoughts that you hold about someone , you gain power . Instead of focusing on their actions or perceptions , you just slow down and examine your own . What do I think about this person ? How do these thoughts make me feel ? Are they aligned with my values ?

Are these thoughts contributing to my well-being or taking away from it ? Do I want to continue investing my mental and emotional energy in this relationship ? When you consciously shape your thoughts , you take control of the relationship . You don't take control of it by changing others .

That never works , and this practice is what creates emotional freedom , resilience and a deeper sense of peace around people . I want to give you an example Example of a relationship folder that is in your mind . Every interaction you have with another person forms what you call a relationship folder in your mind .

These folders are not , of course , tangible , but they represent the mental space and energy you allocate to each relationship . Every thought or memory or perception you have about someone gets filled into this metaphorical folder as a page , contributing to its size and weight .

A small folder means brief interactions and some of these small folders are barely noticeable , like they only contain a fleeting thought , or two , one or two pages , if you will Like . If there was a stranger holding the door open for you at the coffee shop in that moment , you might have thought that was kind of them and that's the folder of that person .

It's tiny , reflecting the minimal mental and emotional energy invested in that interaction , and by the time you leave the coffee shop that folder might already be closed and forgotten . But then there are larger folders for significant relationships , some of them being massive .

They represent relationships you invest deeply in over time , even over years your parents , siblings , romantic relationship with your spouse , best friends , long-time colleagues , mentors , spouse , best friends , long-time colleagues , mentors .

These folders grow thicker because they accumulate countless thoughts , experiences and body-based memories and , of course , these folders contain both positive and negative interactions . The more time , energy and attention you dedicate to someone , the thicker their folder becomes .

The more you're ruminating over someone , the thicker their folder is in your head , and if you just take a quick mental account of how much time you spend thinking about someone , that will give you a rough idea of how big that relationship folder actually is .

And , interestingly enough , there are some surprising folders in your mind too , and they can become quite large even if the person in the relationship only exists in your imagination , like you've never met them personally . Like celebrity admirations .

When you know a great deal about a public figure or you deeply admire them , you feel connected to their work , even though they might have no idea you exist . And then there is fantasized relationship , a thick folder for someone you wish you were closer to . These relationship folders don't need any physical interactions to become thick and meaningful .

Take , for example , the profound connection Muslims feel towards the Prophet Muhammad . Peace be upon him . This connection is created through reflections on his life , teachings and character , studying the seerah , being inspired by his way of living , by his message , even though no one alive today has met him .

Every story of his compassion , every hadith detailing his wisdom and every moment spent in prayer and recitation of the Quran adds to this folder . I'm telling you this because relationships are not defined by shared time or experiences with this person . They're defined by the depth of thoughts and emotions you're investing with them .

I'm laying this foundation because this powerful reminder of how thoughts alone have the capacity to create deep , meaningful connections will help you get over a relationship void . So far , we've established that the size of a relationship folder correlates directly with its emotional weight .

When a relationship is healthy and fulfilling , the folder is filled with joy of positive emotions and memories . But when there's a restrained relationship , the folder is heavy , carrying unresolved burdens , unfulfilled expectations and just a lot of general heaviness . Both thick folders .

You're spending a lot of time having thoughts about the individual , but what about when you're going through a connection withdrawal , when you're in relationship deficit ? This is when a relationship ends or is fading away , and this will have the potential to create a noticeable void in your mind .

This void , this relationship deficit , occurs because the folder you've built for the person no longer has the same function the thoughts , memories , emotions stored in that folder still exist , but the flow is no longer the same .

The content stops because now there's a new reference that your mind has this person is no longer serving that role that they did In the relationship void . You're going to be left with a folder that feels heavy , unresolved and even painful , especially in instances of a deceased loved one .

So the size of void , the withdrawal you're going to experience , is going to be directly related to the thickness of that folder . For someone you barely knew , the deficit is going to be completely negligible . Maybe a passing thought about why you don't see them anymore or you miss them and you might want to get in touch with them .

But for someone who played a significant role in your life , especially if you can't get back in touch with them , this deficit is what needs to be managed , because without proper mind management it will get overwhelming . Think about it this way the energy you once dedicated to thinking about them now has nowhere to go .

Now you have to recreate those thoughts in a different context altogether , while your brain might be used to thinking about them in a certain way .

And this withdrawal is especially challenging when the end of a relationship isn't mutual , if one person decides to disengage while you might still hold on to that connection , and this imbalance will intensify the deficit and the person who remains invested into the relationship will continue to add to their folder with their thoughts of longing , confusion , regret , while

the other person's folder has likely been closed or reduced in significance . So the heaviness of this relationship void , the mismatch that it creates , the emotional turmoil is your responsibility to manage , and it's natural for the brain to struggle to adjust to this new reality .

New neural pathways need to form because the old ones that are associated with the relationship , they've been strengthened by repeated thoughts and emotions . Because of this efficiency , memories will resurface uninvited , and this is why the pain of the withdrawal is intermittent .

A lot of times come quickly as a reminder , and there's always a lot of times associated with physical pain , which is a manifestation of emotional pain . So , technically , what I'm trying to say is this is not a sign of obsession or dysfunction .

It's just simply the brain doing what it's designed to do , replaying familiar patterns until it has had a chance to learn a new way forward . Understanding this dynamic does not erase the pain , but it does help you make sense of why the withdrawal feels so profound .

When the relationship ends , depending on how much hope , how many expectations you had attached to that , the neural pathways are going to be just as deep .

And these neural pathways that I'm using the metaphorical example of folders for they don't just disappear , they remain active , which leaves your mind habitually searching for the same connection that no longer exists , to be able to deal with it masterfully . This is why I want you guys to start defining the end of a relationship as a relationship void .

The brain craves what it knows , and when that familiarity is gone , it resists a change . No need to shame yourself for being stuck in the past . Give your brain as much time as it needs to create new neural pathways . Just like breaking any habit , healing from the pain of ending a relationship involves rewiring those neural pathways .

At no point does it involve erasing the memory or denying the significance of the relationship . The more deeply you feel the relationship withdrawal , it will tell you that that's how hard it will be to deny its existence . So don't compound the work that you already have to do . Don't shame yourself . Don't deny the relationship's significance .

Don't deny the relationship significance . Instead , acknowledge the habit , recognize that your brain is replaying the thoughts about that person because it's familiar , not because you're weak , not because you're failing and then redirect your energy .

After you've given that pain , that withdrawal , the full attention , then naturally your body will open up to more activities and goals for the future and practice compassion . This is the most important aspect . Be kind to yourself during this process . The pain is not a sign of something being wrong with you . It's a proof that you cared deeply and that's it .

It's a sign that you had a thick folder that you're now having to rewrite , and the thicker the folder , the longer it might take , but over time the good news is that the brain adapts .

All of the pathways of the brain that once lit up at a single thought about that person will fade as you will form new connections and patterns and the void will feel less overwhelming and the pain will transform into a quieter acknowledgement of the relationship's place in your life .

With this intentional effort is how you create new habits that nurture your growth . This is what allows the pain to become a stepping stone towards healing and resilience .

So now that I've told you guys the neurophysiology in very simple terms , it might be time for you to fill the void with constructive thoughts and instead of attempting to distract yourself with busyness or suppressing difficult emotions . The healthier , more productive approach is to intentionally fill this void with constructive and meaningful thoughts .

Maybe you have old goals that you want to revisit . Maybe you have other relationships that you want to strengthen that were otherwise going ignored . Maybe there are more hobbies , skills that you want to pick up . Maybe you want to focus on yourself and your personal development .

This intentionality alone will transform this void into a fertile ground for growth , because now you have all of this mental capacity that was otherwise going towards this relationship that no longer exists . You can use this mental capacity towards the goal of your choice . But this redirection of growth takes effort . It absolutely requires your active engagement . Effort .

It absolutely requires your active engagement . Otherwise , your default pathway will only have you spiraling down . Maybe the best form of elevated thoughts in this case for you are might be to connect with Allah on a deeper level . Thank Allah for the lessons learned . Maybe it's available for you to acknowledge how it has helped you shift as a person .

Choose curiosity over resentment if nothing else is available to you . How was the end of this relationship for me ? How can I make it for my benefit ? Curiosity for me always has the benefit of softening the edges of pain . When you hear , time heals all wounds . What you're doing is healing through thought replacement .

You've had enough of a chance to fill that folder with different thoughts , replacing the painful ones with the ones that promote your well-being . But you have to remember time alone isn't enough . It's your intentional effort and choice that's going to replace these negative thoughts with constructive ones .

This has been why it's important to remember that every relationship exists as a mental construct defined by your thoughts , your mental images that you associate with another person . The amount of thoughts you carry create a relationship folder which grows thicker with time and when and if that relationship ends .

The void left behind is originating from your cognitive function . But since every thought creates an emotion , it also leaves a void within your body as an emotional emptiness . And to that , as your brain adjusts , to the absence of familiar patterns , that time is for you to give yourself the highest level of self-compassion .

You will for sure notice negative thoughts like blame , resentment , and you're welcome to choose thoughts like this . But then also don't be surprised when you don't have a sense of emotional well-being . The ending of the relationship is not causing it . The person who left is not causing it . The person who is no longer there is not causing your emotional discomfort .

It's your thoughts about them and in cases like a deceased loved one , it is natural to keep thoughts like I miss them , I wish they were around , and going through the grief at your own pace . There's no rush to change thoughts around just to get out of emotional pain . That in itself will create toxic positivity , which is very , very harmful .

But when you are ready to step out of that discomfort , you know how to fill that relationship void , to gain a healthy sense of self back , and from there you can transform this void into a space of growth and resilience .

Healing is a conscious effort . If left to its own devices , by default , the brain will only usually create pain . Ultimately , turning any loss of a relationship into an opportunity is up to you . With that , I pray to Allah SWT . Grant me the strength to endure pain of a loss of a relationship with patience . Grant us all the wisdom to see our life lessons .

O Allah , give us the grace to let these opportunities transform us into a better version of ourselves . Ya Allah , fill my heart with gratitude for what was hope for what lies ahead . Replace my sorrow with peace and guide me towards healing and growth . Ameen , ya Rabbul , ameen , Please keep me in your da'as . I will talk to you guys next time .