Expecting Apologies

A lot of us have people in our lives that we're expecting apologies from , like if your friend paid for your dinner and you promised you were going to pay them back . You forgot and in the turn , she blew up . You did eventually pay them back , but you're still expecting an apology for their behavior , which is not coming .

You're still sitting there waiting for her to apologize for her reaction . When you've admitted your mistake , you're willing to pay or you paid them , but that apology doesn't come .

In this podcast , I will explain to you why your brain has such a strong hold on seeking an apology from others and what can you do about it to regain a sense of your mental wellness , especially when that apology is nowhere to be found . First point I want to make is that you're seeking validation through apologies .

Meaning the expectation of an apology arises from a deep-seated need for validation . When someone wrongs us , we naturally want them to acknowledge their mistake , which will then validate our feeling and perspective . This need of an apology is essentially a need for somebody who's done you wrong , to affirm that your heart or anger is justified .

But this reliance on external validation is problematic because it places your emotional well-being in the hands of others and it leads to frustration and disappointment when the apology doesn't come . Recognize that seeking validation in this way is unproductive and emotionally draining . When I expect an apology from someone , it reveals a deep need within me for validation .

I'm seeking that confirmation that they acknowledge their mistake and , by extension , they prove that I was right all along . But let's pause and ask yourself If you already know that they are wrong , why do you crave their validation ? This need of their apology is actually a reflection of your own lack of self-validation .

In my case , it's my inability to provide my own self-validation . Waiting for apology is as if I'm waiting for their stamp of approval to affirm my perspective . The truth is , no one in the universe will offer that stamp of approval . It's only necessary for me to validate my own experiences and belief .

Their apology , while desirable and even morally required , isn't necessary for me to know what I already know to be true , which is that my experience is valid and I am hurt or angered at their actions . Many of us wait for apologies that , to be frank , may never come . Apologizing is encouraged in Islam and it is the more admirable thing to do .

It's about owning your mistake and seeking forgiveness . But just if it's only because of your expectation , the other's reality might be completely different and they might not share this point of view . By clinging to the hope of receiving an apology that never materializes , I'm trying to control something that is beyond my control .

It's like trying to change the course of wind . It's not going to work . It's only going to drain your energy . All you need to understand is that expecting an apology and not receiving it and then harboring frustration is an exercise in futility . It's a waste of your mental and emotional resources .

Again , the key here lies with self-reliance and internal validation , because when I can provide that for myself , the strong need of other person's apology diminishes . It loses its control on us . This way , it's not just empowering for us , but also a step towards emotional independence and maturity .

This need of when they will apologize , they will prove to you that they have accepted defeat . They have accepted that their way of thinking and acting was not appropriate .

Therefore , validating your stance , this entire requirement , this prerequisite , disappears as long as you can validate your own thinking With this idea that situations are purely black and white with a clear right and wrong , it's very much an oversimplification .

The expectation of apology is rooted in this binary thinking where you see yourself as entirely right and the other person is completely wrong . But most conflicts and interactions are on a spectrum and perspectives vary depending on individual . You have the option of acknowledging this complexity .

You start by understanding that insisting on an apology based on your point of view alone might not always be reasonable , and it might help you to consider that what other people's interpretations are in this case , what their understandings are of the same situation .

In my journey of understanding and self growth , I've come to realize that expecting an apology often traps me in a very narrow mindset where I firmly declare that I'm right and they're wrong . But life in its variety of shades does not fit in these binary categories . What if the truth is a mixture of what both of us are thinking ?

If you are able to see things from their perspective and if it's available to you that how their actions might be justified in their mind , this realization can offer a profound moment of self-awareness and very much echoes the teaching of Husna l'an or having a good opinion of others , and I'm not saying have the best opinion of them , but just maybe taking their

perspective , how they might think they're justified in not ever offering you an apology . It's about giving room to different viewpoints and acknowledging that your perspective isn't the truth . It's not even the only truth . Growing up , our views were validated by our family members .

Their agreement has shaped our expectation that if I think something is wrong then they're there to validate that for me . But when you step in adulthood you understand that you are that adult giving yourself that validation . It's not about seeking approval from others to confirm your feelings and perspectives .

Instead , it's about trusting your own experience and not hyper-focusing on an apology . Why not expecting apologies ? I'm learning to be an adult in my relationship with myself . It's a journey of acknowledgement and respecting my feelings without needing somebody else's apology to give them legitimacy . This shift in mindset empowers me to trust my judgment .

I trust when I tell myself I'm not wrong in feeling hurt or upset . While I can expect an apology , I don't need to hang on it with my dear life just to be able to affirm my own reality . If you're waiting for an apology , to give yourself permission to believe in your own perception .

Just this awareness alone is going to help you create a lot of release , because overburdening yourself with the demand of an apology overshadows the importance of self-reflection and personal accountability .

And whatever I mentioned so far does not mean that you don't tell somebody else when they are wrong , and they should be apologizing when someone has actually caused you genuine harm , clearly transgressed any societal , religious or moral standards , and yet they refuse to apologize .

Through this framework , all you have to do is remind yourself that there is a greater judgment to come . In Islam , we believe in the day of judgment , where the ultimate reckoning , where every action , big or small , is accounted for .

But I want you to rely on this belief to be able to release yourself from the trap of needing an apology , not so you can feel self-righteous and continue to judge the other person . Judgment only belongs to Allah and , at the same token , just a reminder that judgment is not only for others . It applies to me too .

I must introspect and acknowledge that if I am the one in error , the same divine justice will await me . May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala save us from the severity of any questioning and guide us to recognize our faults in this life . But what if , deep down , you harbor doubts about your own righteousness in a conflict ?

What if a part of you wonders if you overreacted or contributed to an escalation ? In that case , your work includes taking responsibility of your own actions , seeking forgiveness , recognizing and striving for personal growth . That's it .

This self-accountability is not just an Islamic principle , but a universal one , and these values of fairness and integrity are noticed by every human being , regardless of their belief and religion . Through this curriculum of self-validation . It's a critical step in developing mature , healthy relationships with others .

The cycle involves acknowledging your own feelings and experiences as legitimate , without needing anybody else to confirm them , especially with their apology . It also includes setting appropriate boundaries and not allowing your emotional well-being to be dependent on others' actions or acknowledgments .

This will give you the confidence that you need to navigate personal relationships with less reliance on external approval . What I'm trying to tell you is you don't need to second-guess your need of an apology from another party . You can totally expect an apology , but you don't rely on it with your dear life .

If you believe it's necessary for someone to realize their mistakes and apologize for it , it's completely reasonable to express your feelings and ask for an apology , but don't let your mental well-being hinge on their response After you've made your request . Whether or not they choose to apologize is out of your hands .

Your emotional health can't be dependent on their acknowledgement of a mistake . For example , your friend said that they were going to pick you up from the airport , but they didn't show up . Or your husband said they were going to book a hotel on the trip , but they didn't , and at the last minute you have to book whatever is available for you .

If you're expecting apologies , please by all means Don't consider these case scenarios trivial , but also don't come to the situation from the lens of validating your judgment of their actions . Just by learning to validate your own feelings of anger and frustration or upset , you empower yourself .

This keeps you from doubting your own perceptions and builds a stronger relationship with yourself . What if you're expecting an apology from someone who is in an authority position over you ?

And this self-validating perspective continues to hold true especially in this dynamic , because people in authority positions are constantly telling their subordinates how they're responsible , how they're wrong , how actually things need to be done and what things need to look like .

And a lot of times , younger individuals or people in subordinate positions need this guidance from their supervisors , just so they don't reinvent the wheel and continue to complicate things by learning from their mistakes when somebody is obviously there to guide them .

A lot of times , your supervisors , your older siblings , your parents , have already navigated these life situations and they're trying to save you from that level of trouble .

While this is very well intended , especially as a parenting tactic , all of this inadvertently teaches you that you can never , ever , rely on yourself alone to know what the right thing to do is , and for women , it translates into expecting that validation from their spouses , children , best friends .

Women are always crowdsourcing at least one other opinion , just so when they know that one person agrees with them , they can feel good about themselves and finally accept their thinking . Same thing with apologies . Once they apologize , we will feel like we are allowed to believe that we are perceiving things correctly .

Here is the most liberating truth from this podcast their apology is not a prerequisite for you to trust your judgment . You have the inherent ability to believe in your own perspective , with or without their acknowledgement . The moment you detach from the incessant need of an apology , a profound transformation begins .

You find yourself entering a peaceful , more expansive state , free from chains and burdens . Self-doubt does not have to be your default state . When you choose to trust your own judgments , you break free from reliance on other people's apologies .

And when you give up that reliance on outcome of an apology , that's when people will finally start to see that they might have been wrong . That increases their chances of actually apologizing to you , because you've empowered yourself with confidence and peace and a level of self-approval that's unshakable and totally void from need of external approval .

The work here for you might lie in releasing yourself from the grip of strong expectation of apology , and this is to just continue to give yourself a validation . Your stronghold of a need of an apology will release itself once you build a relationship with yourself , and this has nothing to do with your experience being objectively , universally true .

It has to do with you accepting that your experiences are yours and , regardless of what other people agree with it or not , they are true to you . This is extremely important in abusive situations , where women never completely accept the belief that how they're being treated is not acceptable .

They're always gaslighting themselves with thoughts like it's not that bad and , by extension , they're letting their relatives and friends gaslight them and how they make them believe that it's actually not that bad . Nothing else needs to be said .

If your nervous system is deciding how you are being treated or how you were treated is inappropriate , and if it brings up anger , resentment or upset , for you , this is a valid experience . You are the one holding it in your body . Nobody else can quantify or qualify for it to be correct for you .

When you're expecting people to apologize for their unfair treatment towards you , it's like you're expecting a panel of Olympic judges to hold up signs of number 10 all across the board that your experience is valid . And now , since the other person's apologized , you have experts , judges , telling you that it is valid .

If you are taking this to mean at any level that I don't want you to ask for an apology ever , especially from somebody that you think owes you an apology , that's yet another form of gaslighting that you're doing to yourself . You're just using my words for that , and that's not my intention here at all .

You can totally expect an apology , but I'm just asking you to set yourself free from the chains of the burden of external validation in case that apology doesn't happen . If you're waiting for somebody to apologize so you can let yourself feel the way you feel you might be waiting for a long time .

An extreme need of an apology comes from subconsciously doubting your own perception . If you're waiting for that certified letter , it's never going to come . But if it does come and somebody apologizes , then at least you haven't held up your life all along . There is no black and white , but a whole lot of gray . Only work for you to consider .

Here is where have you been hinging on apologies so much that you've abrupted living your life

With that ? I pray to Allah swt , the knower of all truths . Grant me and all of us the strength to seek validation only from you , or Rab . Give us the strength to validate ourselves not from self-righteous norms , but from the norms that you deemed to be correct for us . O Allah , forgive us if we are in need of apologizing to others .

Give us the strength to forgive others who might have wronged us from a place of self-empowerment . You are the most forgiving . Teach us to trust our own judgment and perception and fill our hearts with peace and self-assurance . Ameen , ya Rabbul Arameen , please keep me in your Dharaz . I will talk to you guys next time .