Ethical Confidence: Success without Arrogance

Today we will be talking about how to create confidence without pride or arrogance , or what is otherwise known as kibr in Islam . So I'm going to be using arrogance and pride interchangeably , but the definition I mean has to do with the state of kibr , where you consider yourself to be better than others .

There's a lot of emphasis in our religion about purity of our heart and not to have pride . Be the force behind our actions . In one hadith , prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says None shall enter fire of hell who has in his heart weight of a mustard seed of iman , and none shall enter paradise who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of pride .

It's a sahih hadith reported in muslim . So I define confidence without this pride or arrogance . I define it as ethical confidence . Confidence is a very gracious emotion , since every emotion is a set of sensations . Confidence feels open , energizing , uplifting , and it's extremely effective as a fuel for our actions .

So , for muslim women , there are two things that get in the way of ethical confidence . One is self pride , known as arjab , and the other one is arrogance , known as kibr . Now I will talk about arjab later in the podcast .

So if you choose to create ethical confidence in your professional life , the effects of it will spill over into the rest of the areas of your life . You will be able to create a better self image , you will be able to really tap into your individuality and your skills and your strengths , your relationships will improve , your parenting will improve .

Your spirituality will improve . So how is it that , as a muslim woman , you can create ethical confidence , confidence without a speck of pride ? To be able to do that , for starters , we have to move away from the fear of arrogance . We have to move away from the fear , but not have to move away from actual arrogance . There's a huge difference between the two .

If you're afraid of pride and arrogance , you'll find yourself in it , but if you avoid arrogance without its fear , then you can cleanly stay away from it . So what does that actually look like ?

There was a time when I remember , as a child , i was walking with my dad towards a grocery store , and I must have been 8 or 9 , and I remember telling him that I feel good about getting a good grade on a recent test in school And he said that's good , as long as you're not feeling pride because of it .

And I remember asking him what do you mean Like ? what's the difference in what I was feeling and what he was warning me against ? What I was feeling actually felt good , and I didn't know if that was pride or arrogance .

And I do remember him trying to explain it to me , but it didn't make any sense And I don't know if it was because of the way he explained it or because I had limited capacity to understand it at 9 years of age , but honestly , i simply did not understand it , and I didn't understand it until I was in my 30s .

So here I am trying to do my 9 year old self a favor And clearing out the misconceptions . Every conscientious parent tries to instill good Islamic values in their children . Even if your parent didn't directly make you afraid of arrogance , the societal messaging at large is usually that be afraid of kibir And fear becomes the main avoidance tactic .

Be afraid of arrogance . The fear of arrogance is drilled deep in our psyche right from childhood . But the problem with this approach is that our subconscious mind cannot work with negatives . An example I always give is if I say don't think of a pink elephant , then you're bound to think of a pink elephant in the room .

The only way not to think about a pink elephant is if you think about a white bear . So our conscious mind cannot take instructions in the negative because our brains think linearly .

So if you've been fed fear of pride all of your life and you continue to repeat to yourself I don't want to come off as arrogant , i don't want to come off as boastful , the mind doesn't know how to deal with the negative instruction . So you either come off as arrogant or you'll be too afraid to be arrogant and not take any action at all .

And this crossroads is exactly where I find most of my Muslim women living . They are so paralyzed by the fear of arrogance that they can't tap even into a fraction of their confidence . So you might have degrees , skills , experience , but the fear of arrogance will keep you stagnant .

Or you might not even have a high school diploma and the fear of arrogance will affect you the same . What's the solution Then ? I'm glad you asked What you have to do is , instead of being afraid of arrogance , you have to redirect your mind to concentrate on confidence , just like if I bark in order to avoid thinking about a pink elephant .

In order for you to do that , you have to direct your mind to think of a white bear . Since our subconscious mind cannot take a negative as an instruction , we give it a positive instruction in a different direction . You practicing your confidence is not the same as arrogance .

Just like me , proud of my good grade on the test after my hard work and telling my dad about it was not arrogance , it was about my confidence . It felt very open , inviting and it felt very good in my body . So you might find feelings of confidence in your body . You might find feeling good about yourself through confidence .

When you purify your intentions , you direct your mind from the pink elephant to the white bear . You direct your mind from the fear of arrogance to the thoughts that create confidence . Let's say you're able to do that and you're finally able to generate confidence in your body .

But because of your fear of this good feeling being foreign , being new , you will start to second guess yourself and you will become afraid that this might be arrogance . This is very much based on restrictive socializations that women get , they're told self-deprecation is the only way to serve , is the only way to move forward and to love others .

So then , when women start to feel good about themselves , it is an extremely novel sensation to them . So at that point you might think to yourself I shouldn't be feeling good about myself , because that's definitely a training that we're never given . Then the fear of foreign feeling makes you think that this must be arrogance .

So this is what's actually happening When your neurochemicals are creating confidence as an emotion in your body and you're feeling good , then your untrained mind immediately labels it as wrong and immediately directs you towards the fear of arrogance .

Because that's what's familiar An all possibility of you showing up from confidence , contribution , service , value , making , money based on your skills all of that washes away instantaneously . So the simple process is you're allowed to be confident and confidence feels good in your body . There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself .

How you experience the sensations of confidence is highly individual , but next time you're feeling this openness , this motivation , this pride of hard work , don't limit yourself by being afraid of these feelings just because they're new , and don't automatically label them as wrong . Move into them , explore , be curious , be inviting and stay present with them .

So the way we avoid arrogance is not by being afraid of it . It's by being aware of it and then getting into practice of understanding how these two feelings are experienced in your body . And there are two ways to keep a check on that . Once you scan your body and you ask yourself is what I'm feeling arrogance ?

Be curious and open about the sensations of your body . Be also open to experiencing the sensations of confidence . Be aware of when you've dropped into arrogance versus when you're experiencing confidence because of your pure intentions .

This type of questioning on the body's level comes with a certain skill development and this level of somatic awareness is unfortunately not commonly taught . This body awareness is definitely something I've built into my coaching program , empowered Muslim Women .

So if this is something you want to develop and you totally should , because understanding your emotional language is your biggest gateway to success , according to many , many scientific studies so if you want to develop this level of somatic awareness , then reach out to me for a free , private mini session .

So one way is to ask your body am I feeling confidence or have I dropped into arrogance ? But if that's not available to you and you're not in practice with understanding the language of your body . Then just trace back to what are you thinking in that moment ? A clear definition of arrogance is seeing yourself superior than others .

So for most of us that live mostly in their heads , this method should be relatively easier . The first was awareness of the sensations of the body and the second is awareness of the sentences in your mind .

In this method , all you have to do is trace back and ask yourself am I considering myself better than others in this moment , better than my husband , better than the people in this meeting , better than the people at the mosque , whoever your confidence is supposed to be serving in that moment ? just ask am I considering myself superior than them ?

It's a simpler way to hash out and separate arrogance from confidence , but it still requires a degree of insight . It still requires introspection and self-honesty . It is much easier to do if you're just starting this workout , but it's okay if you can't identify it clearly right away . Just keep asking and just keep tracing back to your thoughts .

What could I be possibly thinking in this moment that could produce arrogance ? Is it creating confidence or pride ? Just be open to the answers you receive . Stay curious . If you do find a fleeting thought of superiority , then just do istaghfar and self-correct . You don't have to announce it , you can just do it in your head .

You can make the raha and , from a clean slate , start creating thoughts of confidence . That is the whole work while we are alive on this planet Constant course correction . Some examples of arrogance are Islamophobia , fatphobia , body shaming . If you are at your goal weight and you judge other people when they're overweight , it's a type of arrogance .

Scholars say that the sin of Iblis was that of arrogance . Devil said to Allah swt You created me from fire . He didn't say I created myself , he admitted the power of Allah over him . One could be arrogant while admitting what they have is from Allah . So you can be thankful and grateful but still have intrusive thoughts of superiority .

It could be over your neighbors , your in-laws , your circle of friends . So be vigilant about this . Kibir or arrogance , seeing yourself superior from others , can happen even while admitting to Allah's blessings . Gratitude is an amazing emotion , it's a great habit . But just because you're grateful doesn't mean you can't fall into arrogance .

So give some separate attention to cleaning up the arrogance . So , on my quest to try to satiate my insatiable curiosity , i'm currently learning about the concepts in Iher al-Uloom by Imam al-Ghazali and our teacher described the concept of Urjab

. Urjab is self-pride . This type of arrogance does not require anyone else to be present , it does not require comparison and feelings of superiority to any other person , meaning one can be full of themselves without comparison to another person .

So our teacher said if you are the only one existing , you cannot have arrogance , because for arrogance you have to have superiority when compared to others . But you can have Urjab . Arrogance is such a profound language and the closest translation he found to Urjab is self-pride . Urjab was the initial sin of Iblis .

Arrogance of shaitan comes from Urjab of shaitan , and what I extrapolate from this is because he was one of a kind , a jinn , promoted to the ranks of angels because of his devotion to prayers . His initial sin was feeling self-pride . That then led to arrogance .

Urjab is defined as a feeling of exaggeration of one's virtues and good deeds , their overestimation and your oversatisfaction with them , accompanied with a sense of superiority on the account of these good deeds . A person with Urjab considers himself free from all shortcomings and faults , sort of what we describe narcissistic personalities .

In this time , urjab describes emotions of pride and arrogance with great granularity . Urjab develops into kibir . Self pride develops into arrogance .

When I first learned this concept , it was nearly impossible for me to picture how it could possibly be showing up in my life , and I had to remain really , really curious , because you can't avoid what you can't identify . So I did identify one place where OJAP shows up for me and for many of my clients that I coach .

Where I see the fear of self pride showing up the most is in acts of your bada .

If you decided you wanted to slow down during your five daily prayers and you wanted to be more present , if you decided to recite Quran consistently , in this case , self pride would be the feelings of self-exaggeration based on these good deeds , but fear of self pride would keep you from even making an attempt in this right direction .

For example , i coached someone who was afraid of giving charity because she kept thinking about how . She was afraid she was doing it to feel better about herself . She was afraid she would become too proud And , believe me , this happens to all of us .

The second you start thinking about waking up on time for fajr or waking up for tajjad , the voice says oh , so you think you're all that now ? Look at you trying to be an overachiever . Look at you trying to be a goody two shoes . This is about fear of ujjab , fear of self pride .

This fear , just like the fear of arrogance , will keep you from improving your acts of prayers While studying the characteristics of Prophet peace be upon him . It leaves no room for self pride and arrogance . This is the key way to convey Islam Release judgment for yourself and others .

If you're trying to study people in your life to see if they are acting from ethical confidence or not , i'll tell you . Don't waste your time , because you can't tell what emotional fuel someone else is operating from unless they tell you how they feel . Without this information , you cannot accurately guess .

But when someone is operating from clean confidence , their energy is totally different . They have a vibe of respect about them , non judgment , openness and that vibe attracts success . If you sense that in someone and it inspires you to replicate it for yourself , great .

But don't continue to dwell on trying to figure out if others are operating from clean confidence or not . You're not the judgment police . It just takes time and energy away from your own self improvement . Create confidence without arrogance or self pride .

All you have to do is check if your thinking is creating a feeling of superiority against others or against yourself . And if you do find yourself in that place , then do istighfar and redirect back to ethical confidence Anytime you find yourself in Urjib or Kibir . That is not the reason to stop doing what you're doing .

That is not the reason to stop showing up as your best self . It's not the reason to stop elevating your prayers , not the reason to stop showing up in service of others . That is exactly what shaitan wants . Shaitan wants you to stop . He wants you to have a crippling fear of self , pride and arrogance .

The prophet peace be upon him said none of you should say my soul has become evil . He should say my soul is in bad shape , reported in Bukhari and Muslim . No matter how many times you find yourself in arrogance or self-pride , you are not allowed to bully yourself for it . You cannot say to yourself I have become a bad person .

You say I was in a bad place . Because if you label yourself as bad , it will keep you trapped . It doesn't allow for improvement . It stops progress . It abrupts a life of your son . Your life is supposed to be about constant striving , constant correction .

It's not supposed to be about living in a cocoon because of your fears , and in this case these fears of kibir and urjab feel so justified Like of course we should stay away from these . They are significant diseases of the heart .

Of course you should attempt to stay away from this as much as possible , but do it so that you don't end up strangling your confidence in your effort . Remember , human nature is to flip flop . The kalb changes meaning , it turns over from moment to moment .

Most women that are in their professional fields have such high processing power that their thinking is faster than the speed of what their conscious mind can comprehend . And if you don't slow down to reflect what your subconscious mind might be offering you , then your internal systems of emotions can be intermole .

So pause and reflect , slow down and assess , otherwise you will be operating from arrogance or self-pride without conscious knowledge of it . And your lack of knowledge is unfortunately not a get out of jail card on judgment day . Theory of thoughts , mind management and somatic awareness are your keys to success .

Engage in mindful awareness of your internal dialogue for the sake of improvement , not for the sake of self-judgment . Remember the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not allow that .

Ethical confidence is a clean space for you to create for yourself , just because you have so much to offer You as a human being has the same freedom to grow and evolve as any other human being on the planet . If you prioritize your religion , your spirituality , you have even more reason to prioritize your confidence .

You have the same freedom to be ambitious as any other non-spiritual person . Religion is not holding you back . Lack of mind management is holding you back . Circumstances never hold you back . Your inability to create non-judgmental self-reflection is what holds you back .

Your marriage , your past , your parents , your children , your financial situation none of it is holding ethical confidence back . Only thing that is holding you back is the choices you make in impactful moments .

Confidence fuels clean actions And while it might feel unfamiliar and strange in the beginning , it is not a bad thing If you have purified your intentions behind it . All you have to do to clean up your thoughts and your intentions is ask why you want to create confidence . How is confidence serving you ?

Where can you put this confidence to good use in your life ? Keep the language to yourself clean and keep treading forward , and if you do find garbage of arrogance and self-pride on the road , just clean it up .

Don't stop walking on the road of ethical confidence just because there is garbage on it , fear of self-pride and arrogance was created to keep you away from it . This is an amazing mechanism to keep our hearts clean . This fear was created so that you don't contaminate the space of your ethical confidence .

This fear was not created to keep you feeling and acting small and insignificant . If that is happening , then shaitan has taken a hold of your fear and he is manipulating it to keep you from striving on the right path . When you create ethical confidence , the world would stare at you in awe , inspired by what you can actually accomplish , inshaallah .

With that , i pray to Allah swt . O Allah , grant us the wisdom to recognize and appreciate the blessings you've bestowed upon us , and help us to share our knowledge and skills without feeling superior to others . Clean our hearts and minds so that we may always remain grounded in our gratitude and sincerity .

Make us examples of ethical confidence that inspires all Muslim sisters around the world to strive on their path to success . Protect us from arrogance and self-pride . Cleanse our hearts and minds of any thoughts and feelings that might lead us astray from your path . Only remind us that our accomplishments are a result of your mercy and guidance .

O Allah , please guide me and everyone listening on the straight path . Ameen yadabu ala alameen , please keep me in your doors . I will talk to you guys next time .