Desires

Higher brain thoughts are pure desires , also known as your calling or aspirations . The google defines desires as a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen . Desire , in the formula , belongs in the feeling line . Desire is the feeling we have , based on our thinking , that leads to actions .

In today's consumer economy , unfortunately , desire is almost universally translated as a carnal desire , something to acquire , purchase or indulge in , and at times even at a cost that is above our financial resources , like a 70-inch TV with a surround sound system when we can't really afford one .

That is a type of a desire , but a lower brain desire , a desire that feels compulsive , that you have an immediate need to satisfy , and if you fulfill that desire , your life is , overall , worse off than it was before . This is a false desire from the lower brain . False desires are from a place of lack , scarcity , and they leave you with emotional pollution .

That is not the type of desire I'm talking about here . The type of desire I'm talking about is the one that , if you follow it , makes your life overall much better . I have said this before Every human being is born on fitrah . As Muslims , we believe that God has created us in his image , innately good .

This pure natural state is revealed to us by our higher brain and it is felt in our body as an emotional state of pure desire . As long as we are able to step out of the emotional pollution of carnal desires , what we want is heavily convoluted by social expectations , family pressures and should be , or have to or need to thoughts and sentences .

Our desires , instead of becoming a north star , a guide to our higher calling , become something to resist , something to avoid and something to suppress . So at Islamic Life Coach School , I try to reset definitions that our mind provides us so we can slowly go through the journey of cognitive dissonance and make those definitions something that serve us .

We break old belief systems and form new ones . Remember , you're allowed to think whatever serves you . You are allowed to believe whatever serves you . In this case , we are going to believe the definition of desire that serves us Desire , when followed in its purest form , is a strong leader , a north star , a navigation system .

Most of us are extremely efficient at ignoring our desires . Women are conditioned into believing that everyone else's priorities matter more than theirs . This starts happening at such a young age that when we reach a point in life where we can actually make our own decisions , we search for our desires and turn up blank . We don't even know what we want .

I remember the exact moment this epiphany came to me . I was sitting in my therapist's office and he asked me what do you want ? And I started listing things that I wanted for my family , for my career . Then he asked , in other words , he said who are you and what is it that you want ?

Then I started identifying myself as a mother , as a wife , as a physician . I was not able to identify myself as anything else other than in relation to things outside of me . I was a mother because of my children . I was a wife because of my husband . I was a physician because of my degree .

There was nothing I was able to list in that session that related to me only as an individual , and I was flabbergasted by this discovery . I spent many days afterwards , trying to discover what is it that I wanted , what my true desires were . I kept asking my therapist how would I know what I want ? The answer was simple just keep listening to your desires .

Just keep listening to the voice that tells you to do something for yourself . If you continue down this path , you will eventually discover who you are and what you want . Not to mention , during that period , I went through a lot of neural pathway changes .

There was a lot of cognitive dissonance and , oh boy , that was uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why it was taking me so long . During this self-discovery process , I found out that I was never trained to listen to my own inner voice . So today , in spirit of discovering our own true desires , I'm going to talk about how to exactly find them .

Women have an innate calling to nurture . It's a beautiful gift , but when this nurturing capacity is coupled with universal training to put others first , the message we receive overall is that there is no room or need to explore our own talents as long as you are meeting everyone else's needs .

Because of this conditioning , most of us become extremely efficient at ignoring our desires , which results in a picture I described above . For me , this looked like a picture where I was sitting in my therapist's office in an utter inner state of chaos , losing my spirituality and drowning in shame , thinking there was something wrong with me for wanting something .

And when asked by this said therapist who are you and what do you want ? I had no clue what the answer was . It was like being as clueless as when I walked into the wrong calculus class in college . Yeah , that happened to me . I think it was advanced applied calculus for engineers , because I had missed the first two classes of the semester .

I was supposed to be in calculus 1 for pre-med . So you can imagine my confusion when the professor started talking and I had no idea what he was saying . No long-term harm there , because I discovered after five minutes of sitting in class that I was supposed to be in a different class .

Phew , disaster averted , because if that was the math I was going to take in pre-med , I was definitely gonna fail . I was sweating bullets at the mere language . I couldn't understand a single thing . This was the similar state of affairs when I was sitting in the therapist's office and he kept asking me what do you want ?

And I kept drawing a blank and I kept thinking to myself I just told you , you goon , I want what is best for my family . Well , of course , I didn't say that out loud and he was very patient with me , but I'm so incredibly thankful for that question that he asked . He kept asking me to explore what I want and I kept feeling extremely uncomfortable .

When I truly attempted to answer that question is when this journey started for me . Prior to this , even though I was fulfilling everyone else's needs , I still had large amounts of guilt and shame . That was the first step I ever took towards this journey of self-exploration , which is so extremely fulfilling and rewarding .

So if you feel like you have stepped into an applied mathematics calculus class when somebody asks you what is it that you want , just know that it is completely natural to have that confusion . Exploring your desires means that you're breaking years of conditioning , which can take some time .

So it does take a lot of sacrifice to rear children , nurture family systems and love others unconditionally . But how did it become normal that we can only do that only at the expense of our own selves ? Why does it have to be only through self-sacrifice ? Ask yourself that question . Attempt to break your previous thought patterns .

All of these are thoughts , not facts . Why can't we nurture while honoring our desires ? The answer is that we can . We were just never informed of that choice . I have a strong desire to read books . I have a strong desire to tickle my kids silly until we are all rolling on the floor laughing .

I have an extremely strong desire to let the beach sand roll under my feet and give me a natural exfoliation . I have a strong desire to go for a walk in my backyard . When I put desires in this language , it does not seem so selfish , does it ? All of these are my desires and when followed with the right intentions , they serve as a guide .

Desire is the language of your ruh , your spirit , the same ruh that connects us to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala . Following a desire does not mean that you have to give up nurturing others . It means that you nurture yourself as well . That is the biggest battle I've seen that women face personally and in my coaching work .

So I want to invite you guys to be in cognitive dissonance with me . Change sentences in your mind that are telling you that desire is bad , my desire is harmful for my family , or following my desire means I'm ignoring my obligations as a caregiver . Change this narrative one thought at a time .

I've seen this appear time and time again with women in my family my mother , my grandmothers , my aunts , women in my neighborhood , woman after woman putting everyone else first . It is great if it worked for that generation , but it does not work for me . I will also argue that this paradigm does not work for this entire generation , and I'm okay with that .

I'm okay with questioning the status quo . Anyone that tries to feed you that you have to completely disappear and drown out your own voice is working from their own model . They're telling you what they think is the right perspective . You don't have to accept it . It might actually feel like that you have a compulsion to believe them , but you actually don't .

You don't owe them anything . It becomes especially hard to question the status quo when the preaching is coming from another woman . I mean , they're an experienced woman in our life that we look up to . If they teach us this narrative , they must know what they're talking about , right ? Well , not really .

Take that information and apply your own experience and your own formula to it . You don't have to believe everything you've been told as a child , even if it was from another woman that you trusted . Ask yourself is it true that my desire means something bad ? Is it true that listening to my desires means that I'm hurting others ?

Is it true that self-sacrifice is the only way to provide care ? My desire of drawing and pursuing my interest in art , my desire of painting , my desire of volunteering , my desire of having my closet in a neatly organized manner , my desire of swimming , my desire of sports All of these are desires that you have the option to pursue .

It takes a whole lot of goal adjustment to take care of other human beings . People call it self-sacrifice . I call it goal adjustment because it all depends on the language we feed ourselves . But be aware of how much you're willing and unwilling to do . That's the key here .

Moving away and leaving my family after I got married , taking time off to be with my children after each pregnancy all of this , for me , required goal adjustments because I had a different picture in mind . I thought I'd be living close to my parents my whole life and would have an uninterrupted professional career .

But when things changed , my priorities changed , my desire changed when I was telling myself a story that I was doing this in the name of self-sacrifice , because a woman is the one who has to do this to continue the peace of the family , I was in constant guilt and resentment .

But when I found out that I actually chose to do this because I want a family and I want to care for them and I'm following my desire , my own desire , the whole dynamics changed . I was no longer in resentment , I was following my north star . There are a lot of things that I did for others in the past that I completely dropped .

That , when I think about it now , I could never do from a place of desire . I have no desire to stand in the kitchen and cook three meals a day . When I forced myself to think that this has to be my desire , because that's what my family needs , I couldn't do it . It was just never true to me .

I do meal prep weekly 20 minutes of dinner prep that my kids help me with , and we eat dinner as a family . That is my true desire . They're old enough to help themselves to breakfast and their dad helps them with lunch , since he works from home , and it works out just fine for us .

So again , the key here is that you're welcome to adjust your goals , as long as you are true to what you really want

. Why would you want to label it self-sacrifice . Every result depends on the language in our head . If we play out a model , it will look something like this Circumstance Two children thought I'm sacrificing myself to nurture them , feeling Resentment or guilt or shame or some sort of anger .

Action Belittling ourselves , not listening to our desires , not questioning the status quo , being in reactivity and stress . Result you sacrifice yourself as a human , and not just for a sake of others . But now , out of habit , the language of desires becomes lost to you . Now notice , in the thought line I said I'm sacrificing myself to nurture others .

If you're skeptical of this , that no one's going around telling themselves actively that I'm sacrificing myself , you're absolutely right . It actually sounds something like this . I should do this for my colleagues . I have to say yes to the extra tasks assigned , even though I don't have time . I should throw a baby shower .

I shouldn't spend the time of the afternoon with my girlfriend . So , yeah , your lower brain is not presenting to you the sentence saying you're a sacrificial lamb . It dresses it up in sentences that are so subconscious that we don't even know we're acting from them . No one is going around telling themselves I'm doing this because I don't care about myself .

But that is the underlying premise and , like I said , the notion of self-sacrifice has been passed through generations and it might have worked for women before us , but it does not work for the requirement of today's emotional intelligence . Today's Muslimah needs to be emotionally intelligent to thrive at work and represent her faith if she wants to excel .

Today's mother needs emotional intelligence and mental health to raise a strong next generation . If we continue to operate from models of resentment and anger , then we end up emotionally stunting our children , which is exactly the opposite of what we want .

I'm going to give you a few examples now and I want you to picture this woman , since this is a very dangerously common dynamic . Imagine a woman who is an extremely well-intended caregiver or mother who has never paid attention to her own desires and emotions . She unintentionally lived a life of resentment , anger , anxiety .

I want you to picture this woman as I present the next examples to you . This woman ends up raising daughters that cannot protect themselves and become victims of society that are abusive to them . This abuse comes from the workplace or in personal relationships , and what else would you expect when these daughters have only seen self-sacrifice ?

That same woman I asked you to picture , in the name of self-sacrifice , ends up raising boys that are emotionally unavailable and stunted in their growth and codependent . These boys grow up to be men leading a household from a position of power , dominance and a need of validation , rather than abundance , love and generosity .

Islam has assigned men to be a leader of the family unit . Without emotional intelligence , these men abuse their power and operate from entitlement . These are not the qualities that Islam intended for a leader . These men have not seen the strength of leading from the heart Because they didn't have a mother who was in touch with her own desires .

That was supposed to be their role model . These same women , in the name of self-sacrifice , end up creating unhealthy outlets for this emotional energy , which can lead to depression , anxiety , hysteria , resulting in constant drama between family dynamics , ends up in unhealthy codependent relationships with their sons .

Since the mother does not know she can honor herself , she is always looking for that validation from others , and since the husbands are not emotionally available , they raise their sons to be their validation . For these women , their daughters-in-law become a threat and a dynamic of a toxic in-law relationship ensues .

All of this becomes an intergenerational pattern due to generational trauma . This is what we grow up seeing and this becomes normal for us . Well , actually until now , up until this podcast , where I ask you to question all of this . Is this what we want ?

For our children , our daughters , to be treated like a doormat and our sons to be emotionally unavailable and ineffective leaders ? Why does it have to be self-sacrifice ? Why can't it be desired to raise strong children ? A woman shapes the future generation . That is why I am such a big proponent of emotional intelligence for women .

If you explore your true desires and honor them , that might just be the brick that you take out that brings down the wall of generational trauma . Do not be of the impression that self-sacrifice is the way to make relationships work . When you cultivate healthy , strong relationships from a place of desire , that is a much more sustainable way to raise a generation .

That generation will one day be the ummah of strong believers who know how to honor and listen to their own pure desires . These men and women know how to follow their north star under the guidance of their religion . This will be the ummah of people that cannot be and will not be taken advantage of .

An ummah of strong men and women that , when they start their own families , hold themselves in high regard and integrity and do not abuse their power . Young men and women when they go out to contribute to the society and the workplace , they conduct business in the highest self-esteem because that is what they saw at home , that is what they saw their mothers do .

Their mother respected herself . It all starts with you listening to your desire . That one sentence in your mind , that one thought that leads you to a burning desire . Do not ignore it . I might have given this example before , but I will say it again A unit of a nation , of a society , of an ummah , of a culture , is a family .

The backbone of the family unit is a woman , and a unit of a woman is a thought . Every human creates everything from thought . You paying attention to your thoughts leads to honoring your desires , leads to shaping a strong family , leads to a strong ummah and a society and a beautiful culture of Islam . The religion of Islam does not need modification .

The people that follow it do . No single desire is too small . No single thought is inconsequential . I love the responsibility that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given us . Being a caregiver does not mean you disappear as a person , because that will show up in life . It will show its ugly head .

I can prove it to you , model after model Suppressing feelings is not feasible . Humans are created as emotional beings . You suppressing your desire is you suppressing this design . It will not last

. I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guides us to listen to our pure and true desires so we can honor them . May Allah turn us away from false desires and may Allah grant us the wisdom to tell the difference .

Please , o Allah , help us show up for human beings , our children , our colleagues , acquaintances , families , as you intended for us , from a place of abundance , acceptance , love and desire , and not from a place of scarcity , judgment , resentment and hate . Please , allah , protect us from the evil of carnal desires . You say that you made human beings in your light .

Please help us keep those qualities in focus , purify our intentions . Help us love unconditionally and abundantly . I love all of you listeners so very much . I pray you guys find your North Star and I pray that the language of your desires becomes easy for you , not like the applied calculus for engineers . That was for me .

It is a journey , so start listening to that voice today . I will talk to you guys next time .