Desirability

Today we're going to talk about desirability as it applies to women , especially in regards to marriage and other close relationships . Desirability is the quality of being desirable . That's the Google definition . What we see mostly is that culture at large says femininity means to be desired by others .

Culture of misogyny says that femininity means to be desired by men to have worth . Putting both of these layers together , combined with a woman's empathic nature , being desirable translates into being able to serve men . If we can prove our value as a woman by being in service to others , that means we are desirable .

That can look like being the primary caregiver of multiple family members , usually at the cost of your own well-being . Again , it starts in childhood . It gets embedded in the minds of little girls that if you are to serve others , you have worth .

Now , if it is your true desire to serve others , there's nothing wrong with that , but make sure you're doing it from a place of true desire and not to prove your worth . Your desirability is complete the minute you were born . Your ability to be desired is absolute and a hundred percent .

Your desirability has nothing to do with other people's ability to desire you . Their ability to desire you is in their models . It's their work . It's dependent on their conditioning and the meaning that they attach to it . Culture teaches us that it's important to be desirable . Mostly , it teaches us that it's important to be desirable by men .

Halal culture says be desirable around the time you need to get married and not the day before or after that . Appearing desirable to your spouse is considered to be an act of ibadah . But if you're chasing desirability because after his approval you feel validated and worthwhile , then you are operating on the wrong definition of desirability .

Your desirability is complete just the way you are . You can stop chasing it by getting other people's approval . Most common resistance that I see people feeling when I tell them to stop trying to do things to get people's approval is that they think that I'm teaching them to be rebellious .

They think I'm teaching them to break the bond of family ties and escape . Daughter doesn't have to help around the household , wife doesn't have to serve breakfast to husband and again , none of those things are something you have to do . But if you want to , you can and you should , and my message is not an invitation for you to be disrespectful and rebellious .

What I'm saying is that your service to others does not mean you are worth more or less . Your desirability is complete , regardless of your service , regardless of the way you are , even with dark circles , curly , coarse hair , fine hair , regardless of the height , regardless of the size of your nose or any other physical feature .

If you don't like any of those features , that's because you've conditioned yourself to hate them . That does not affect your desirability . That is 100% . Other people's ability to desire you depends on their opinion about you . Someone can desire you based on your physical features or your ability or inability to serve them . That's on them .

Now the question becomes do you want to be desired ? Is that your value ? If so , how can you achieve that without losing sight of your 100% desirability and self-worth ? There are lots of messages and celebrities out there for a woman to want to make herself desirable to other people Based on this conditioning .

The sentences in our mind becomes I will be desired when I have children . I am not desired because of my physical features . My conditioning was that I'm not desirable because I'm too tall . Growing up , I was 5 feet 9 inches as a teenager and I've been really , really skinny all of my life .

I remember working in a research lab the summer I was getting married and I weighed a total of 97 pounds . I was trying extremely hard to gain some weight because at that point I was underweight . I would load up my lunch tray at the cafeteria with as much food as I possibly imagined myself eating .

One day one of my research colleagues looked at my lunch tray at the cafeteria with as much food as I possibly imagined myself eating . One day one of my research colleagues looked at my lunch tray and said you're going to eat all of that ? And I said yeah , of course I'm trying to gain weight . And they all kind of laughed .

They said that it's a good problem to have and they might have done it in good faith and lightheartedly . But I was absolutely seething inside . I was thinking you don't know my struggles . Who are you to judge if that's a good problem to have or not ? Being underweight was my real struggle .

I was operating from my own conditioning , where I was told directly and indirectly that it's not easy to find a husband for a tall girl . So imagine my torture when I was taught that my worth is tied to having a husband . Then I was taught I have to make myself desirable to find that husband .

And then I was taught that my height and weight combination is not ideal to find that husband which , by the way , I had no control over . Imagine the torture in my head . Imagine what I was going through when that guy told me that it's a good problem to have . And here these people were laughing at my problem .

Thinking back , I wanted to punch them in the throat , but don't worry , nobody got hurt that day . Imagine 97 pounds at 5 feet 9 inches . That's basically the weight of skin and bones and maybe some organs , but definitely not muscle and fat .

Your body image will come in your way because of your perception of self-worth and desirability , because of social conditioning , which are learned thoughts and are residing in your subconscious . But that is a thought error , because our desirability is 100% at all times . In this thought error , we just forget that sometimes .

By the way , alhamdulillah , I was able to find an awesome husband . He is 5'11 and a half . He really emphasizes that half , so it makes him six feet with shoes . So while , because of my social conditioning . I was trying so hard to find my self-worth by finding a husband , just so I could prove to everyone that I was worth something .

I found a great guy , alhamdulillah , who also happens to be tall . So I want to clarify that I'm emphasizing desirability , which is an innate , god-given worth as a human , versus your want to be desired , and this difference might seem subtle , but it is extremely important . Humans are social creatures . It is natural for all humans to be wanted as women .

It translates as a need to be desired by your spouse , and that desire should be nurtured in a halal way , just like I teach you guys to nurture any other desire .

Just make sure you're not doing it from a place of lack of self-worth , because that will look like you coming off as clingy and needy , and the more clingy and needy you behave , the more you will repel people , more people will distance themselves from you .

So in CTFAR language it's going to start looking like this Subconscious thought I need his approval to feel desired , feeling Desperate Action , acting clingy and needy and being petty towards the spouse . When you don't get that 100% attention and approval Result , you don't feel approved because the spouse is operating in his own model .

You've proven your thought correct and the cycle continues . Basically , you repel people that might desire you by your neediness of approval . This is one of the main reasons why women get trapped into people-pleasing . People-pleasing is a form of lying .

You lie to yourself by performing actions that others approve of that you don't really want to do , just to fill that void of being desired . You've lied to yourself . What you're essentially doing there is that you've sent a message that it's okay for them to desire you as long as you're complying to their rules .

And the neural pathways that get locked in your brain are that if you continue to people please , you will be desired . Indirectly , you are conditioning them against you . So keep showing up in a way that is true to you . Otherwise you're setting yourself a trap .

Sometimes , in order to people please , we start presenting with our features to attract the right spouse .

If you are presenting with your body , with your clothes , with your sense of style , even if you're presenting with your body , with your clothes , with your sense of style , even if you are presenting with your accomplishments , like with your education , with your money or with your car , then you'll get attention .

Based on those things , based on how much of what you are showing , you will attract people who desire exactly that . The message here is if you present with shallow things , you will attract shallow personalities .

What is one attribute that you can attract by and flaunt it as much as you want to attract the right spouse , that is the attribute of taqwa , your God consciousness , belief in Allah and the Messenger . You cannot go wrong with using that as your magnet to attract the right personality .

If someone is attracted to you on the basis of your spirituality and your religiosity , that means they also true that as a value . And when you hold Allah in the highest value , when you practice his message in its true meaning , then you'll show up for your marriage in the highest value .

When you practice His message in its true meaning , then you'll show up for your marriage in the highest regard . Even in the toughest of times and in the worst of disagreements , you will still respect each other for the sake of Allah , because you have your Akhira to look after . That is that day of judgment when even the mother will forget their newborns .

You think your spouse will be there to come and rescue you . Imagine this two people come together in a marriage , presenting themselves as their true self and holding their religion in a highest regard .

Both of these individuals have found their journey to fulfillment , their self-actualization which , by the way , is a journey not a destination and when those individuals come in union of a marriage to evolve and grow together , that's the recipe of a truly fulfilling marriage . Aren't you just in awe of this design , subhanallah ?

If you want to fulfill this innate human need to belong in a deep connection , that means that you have to put yourself out there to be seen , so you can choose and be chosen to belong . But we can't be seen if we don't show up as who we are . We keep ourselves from being seen and known because of the fear of rejection .

When we show up to be seen and known , we will have our hearts broken . Heartbreak from rejection in Islamic Life Coach School language means you put yourself through thought work In finding a right spouse . You put effort and energy . The partner's actions and beliefs didn't align with yours and the partnership didn't work out , no matter how long it was .

Your thought work and your belief system fell apart . You made the mistake of connecting your feelings to a circumstance . You were in thought error . Heartbreak is basically just a good old thought error . That's okay . As humans , we get to make these mistakes , you get up from this . Slip up , put thought , work in it and start all over again .

Heartbreaks can be fixed . How long do you think you have to repeat this cycle ? For as long as it takes If you're trying to create the result of finding the right spouse . You have to be willing to put in the work .

Work involves exposing yourself to rejection . In the lower primal brain language that translates as putting yourself directly in front of the line of fire , because the lower brain interprets rejection as death . Evolution says if you get cut off by the tribe , you will be eaten . Shaitan whispers to a human being . I got rejected because I was not good enough .

If you can overcome this mind drama by doing your due diligence and thought work and you keep showing up to be accepted and be accepting of others with all of their flaws and all of their benefits , recognizing that they're on their journey , all of the while keeping in mind the risk of rejection , you will find the right match . How do I know that ?

Because the only time you would have failed is if you quit this process . Otherwise , you're guaranteed to win .

Inshallah , with that , I want to pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , to grant us energy during these efforts , to whoever is in this journey to grant us the right spouse who uplifts us in our iman , so two Muslims can evolve together and the families can benefit and the family structure prospers and the individual prospers and the society thrives , so that we can

be successful in this world and the next inshallah . I will talk to you guys next time .