Dealing with Narssicism Part 1

Today we're going to be diving deeper into the theme that we've been touching on for the previous two podcasts , 201 and 202 . And over there we explored the topic of mirror neurons and their functions .

But today we're going to take it a step further and , specifically , I want to talk to you about narcissism , especially as it relates to your closest relationships , and I know this can be a heavy topic , but I want you to create your emotional safety with the same principles as we have discussed before . Take a break , come back to the topic .

If it seems too heavy , then don't listen to it , and always deep and relaxing breathing is at your disposal to help you keep regulated .

All the principles I'm going to talk to you about today apply to you navigating narcissistic tendencies at work or with acquaintances and any other daily interaction that you have , but today , specifically , I'm focusing on what happens behind closed doors how you handle narcissism within your closest relationship of marriage .

So , according to the DSM-5 , a narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of grandiosity , an insatiable need for admiration and a profound lack of empathy . How this shows up is with entitlement , exploitative behavior , arrogance , envy .

So officially , for anybody to have a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis , five out of nine criteria must be met to diagnose it . But the thing is that not everybody who exhibits narcissistic traits has full-blown disorder . So you can have the traits of narcissism and not have the disorder . But it can't be the other way around .

Some people may simply have the narcissistic tendencies , like being highly reactive to feedback , hating being told what to do or hijacking conversations to make them all about themselves . It doesn't matter if they have the full disorder or just the trait . It still is incredibly damaging and you don't have to diagnose them . It's neither your responsibility nor mine .

The only thing that matters is this You're here and you're ready to do something about it , and that's what's important . So the basic foundation I want to lay is that I'm not here to trigger you by throwing around labels . My goal is to help you approach this with a clear , conscious mind , not from a place of fear .

If you're going to create real change in how to deal with narcissism in your life , you will need to pull the emotional charge out of the word itself . I'm going to give you the tools to distance yourself from the harmful effects of narcissism just long enough to make meaningful , lasting changes in your relationships .

First of all , at its core , narcissism is usually a defense mechanism . First of all , at its core , narcissism is usually a defense mechanism , a set of behavior that , from when someone is stuck in a fight stage of survival , they continue to grow into adulthood . It is said that hurt people hurt people , and narcissism is just one way that the hurt manifests .

We all have our own survival mechanisms , and there are four to be exact , and I've talked about them in detail . They're fight , flight , freeze and fawn . And before you start thinking about how these apply to others , I just want you to start looking at yourself first . Which of these survival mechanisms do you gravitate towards ?

Which ones have kept you stuck in relationships that originally started out by keeping you safe ? That's where you start . So just to revisit these states briefly the fight state , which is a high energy , ready to engage , full of anger and reactivity .

Then there's the flight state your instinct to run to escape the situation and remove yourself from whatever the perceived threat is . Then there's the freeze state where you disengage completely emotionally and mentally , and sometimes physically , like the lights are on but no one's at home , type of situation .

This is the human equivalent of playing dead , and while you don't look like a possum while doing it because you are a human being , the mechanism is the same because we , as humans , share these survival instincts with animals . And then the last one is the fawn state , where you flatter or appease the person threatening you to get out of harm's way .

Each of these survival mechanisms plays out in adulthood , shaping patterns in how we respond to stress . Adulthood shaping patterns in how we respond to stress and narcissism , for example , is what develops when someone is stuck in a fight state from childhood .

If your dominant survival mechanism as a child was to fight , whether it was emotional or even too subtle to physically act on , you're more likely to revert to that same fight response as an adult . The fight response when unhealed , is what's going to show up as narcissistic traits .

This is a very shortcut and oversimplified way of explaining how he actually got here . Since we're talking about narcissism in husbands or any male relative that's close to you .

This is a very simple way of explaining how this might have developed in him , and I'm not offering this explanation to make excuses , but I'm doing it to take the emotional charge out of the word narcissism for you , so you can begin to really listen to the solutions I'm going to discuss with you today .

By understanding why narcissism is formed , you might feel some empathy . And if you don't if the hurt is too fresh or too deep , that's completely okay . This is not an invitation for you to sympathize with narcissistic behavior . This is just an explanation and nothing more . However you respond to , this information is absolutely valid .

My hope is that this understanding opens a small enough window in your nervous system , just enough to let some solutions in . We're cracking the door open for receptivity , so the message of change can enter your mind and body . Now , why is narcissism more common in men ?

Well , people-pleasing tends to show up more in women , and it's all mostly because of culture . Fawning , submitting and appeasing to avoid conflict is what grows into people-pleasing , while fighting , responding with anger , evolves into narcissistic tendencies . Both cause damage , but in different ways . Narcissism hurts those around the person , while people-pleasing harms yourself .

Yet the generational impact of both of these is devastating . At large , it develops a nation unable to heal Self-sacrifice at the level that people-pleasers endure causes just as much damage as narcissism . And how would that be , you might ask , which ? This might be a topic for another day .

But in short , when you're spent from constantly giving , you have nothing left to contribute , and people pleasers are the ones that become perfect targets for narcissists . We'll explore this dynamic a little more , and I might have to create a part two for this , but for now , let's just start to shift from understanding into action .

A narcissistic dominant personality is someone who takes the responsibility and freedom given to men in Islam and twists it , using it to control and oppress women . But also , let's just be clear Islam itself does not do that . Unhealed people do so . Then how do you actually deal with narcissism ? How to take this understanding and put it into action ?

The truth is , you actually don't . You don't give narcissistic behavior a second of your attention . That's how you deal with it . Instead , you focus entirely on developing yourself . That is the main secret .

The majority of the information out there about narcissism probably around 90% of it , is centered around understanding the narcissist , and that's useful . And , you might notice , that's where I began this podcast too Breaking down what narcissism is , where it comes from , how to recognize it , because without this foundation you can't understand what you're up against .

But here's where my perspective is drastically different . Once you've learned all of that , once you've learned the roots of narcissistic behavior , the signs , the patterns , once you're confident in identifying it , put that information in the background , let it sit in the archives of your mind , because from this point forward , the focus needs to shift .

To you , what matters most is how you respond when faced with narcissism . Once you recognize it in real life , forget how you got to that conclusion . Don't waste your mental energy replaying how you came to that conclusion , what the message of this podcast was , or that TikTok video or any self-help book that spelled out all of these signs to you .

Even if you feel proud for identifying the narcissism , no-transcript . But what will actually protect you and safeguard you from the damaging effects of the narcissistic trait is your inner strength . Your response to it . The energy you put into refining your reaction is what will deflect the narcissism .

You can do that until you can either remove yourself from the situation , distance yourself from that person , or until they change , but although , let's be honest , that's the last option and it's never in your control . So , yes , I'm all about learning about narcissism , understanding it deeply , but then shift your focus to building the resilience within yourself .

That is where your true power lies . One of the most effective ways to de-escalate narcissistic behavior around you is by doing exactly what I've already told you Ignore it . I know that sounds simple , but let me paint you a picture of what it looks like in real life . He says that's not what I said .

You're imagining things Classic narcissistic gaslighting , trying to make you question your own reality , and in that case your first natural instinct is going to be to doubt yourself . Maybe I am imagining it . Maybe he didn't say that this self-doubt is exactly what narcissistic traits feed on .

Or even if you're certain of what he said , you might feel the urge to argue , to defend yourself , to fight it . But the thing is that that reaction will only fuel the narcissism more . Let me explain how that happens . Narcissism is born out of an individual's inability to look inward .

They can't hold themselves in high regard and deep down , they've internalized the belief that their worth is diminished because of their past mistakes or because of their childhood . When you peel back the layers , what research is finding is that narcissism is actually rooted in extremely low self-esteem .

This constant internal struggle creates a storm of mental trauma in the narcissistic mind . And to avoid facing that pain , they manipulate and they control everyone around them just to make themselves feel better , just to fill the void that they can never fill themselves . To me , it's actually a sad reality , really .

Narcissism is a result of a fragile ego , a broken sense of self . These individuals believe that they deserved the mistreatment they experienced as a child , which is extremely heartbreaking . Like , I personally feel pity for them .

This belief is what keeps them from ever questioning themselves , because looking inward will expose all of the broken parts that they've been hiding from . But the most important part for an outsider to recognize is that their fear of brokenness doesn't actually mean that they're broken . It doesn't mean that their past traumas make them unworthy In their minds , though .

That's the story they've been living by and mostly unaware of it , and this is what disconnects them from themselves , their own bodies , their emotions . They become so out of touch with their own feelings that when you ask them to connect emotionally , they might say I don't have emotions , I don't feel any feelings .

But their disconnection from their own emotions doesn't stop them from reading your emotions , and that's a very important distinction . Narcissists are very highly skilled at picking up on other people's emotions because it's something that they do logically and intellectually , not necessarily emotionally .

So if you're working to become a stronger person in the presence of a narcissistic personality , they will immediately sense it . And if you're trying to fake that strength , they will also immediately sense that . This means that when you first start to stand up for yourself especially if you've never done it before you might stumble .

That does not mean that you're failing or that you should stop . It means that you're on the right path . When a narcissist feels your effort to gain strength , they'll likely double down on their attempts to tear you down , but that's a sign that what you're doing is working . So keep focusing on yourself . Keep building your confidence . So keep focusing on yourself .

Keep building your confidence . Even if you have proof , like a video recording , of him saying exactly what you remember , he will deny it and he'll do so with complete conviction and complete belief . So my advice is absolutely simple Don't fight that battle .

Proving yourself right in front of a narcissist might boost your ego momentarily , but it won't serve you your long-term goals of safety , peace or healing in a relationship . The real victory is your self-growth and your ability to trust yourself and your ability to rise above the need of validation from someone who basically thrives on keeping you uncertain .

And then there are other common misconceptions that narcissists choose weak people as their victims . But that's actually not the case . A lot of strong , independent women make far more satisfying targets for a smart narcissist . So if you think you're immune to narcissists effect just because you've gained independence , please watch out for this pitfall .

Going back to the key concept , and that is to not fight their game directly , but to reduce their significance in your life , and you do that by increasing your significance in your life . That's how you create a distance . You are welcome to grieve the relationship you can heal through therapy , through art , through worship . You let it go .

Do whatever you need to create that distance . Go to therapy to mourn what could have been , to heal the wounds that led you into a relationship with him in the first place . To heal the wounds that led you into a relationship with him in the first place . Get coaching . You will get stronger and in doing so you will destroy their narcissistic self-image .

But let me be absolutely clear on two things . I am not talking about destroying the narcissist as a person . You're not out to crush them as a human being . You are there just dismantling their narcissistic qualities . There's a huge difference . In one case you're out to destroy the person and in another case you might or might not be able to save them .

This leads me to the second point that I want to be clear about . This is only for relationships that you actually choose to stay in . If you've decided this is too much and it's not safe for you or your loved ones or your children , you are more than welcome to exit the relationship at any point .

Your attempt to make a narcissist self-aware will not be as fruitful as you think , because they will go to an extreme length to avoid shame that pops up every time they look inwards .

They will play the victim , claim the whole world is against them and they will use every tactic denial , deflection , gaslighting , aggression , rage all just to scare you into backing down Again . Your safety is paramount . All of the rest that I'm talking about here comes second .

Once you have ensured your safety and once you have decided this is a relationship you want to work on , then the only work you have left to do is to build yourself up non-stop . You're told to communicate with a narcissist about how they've hurt you . But do not do that .

They will twist it , they will talk in circles and before you know it they'll have convinced you that you are the problem . You will end up apologizing for hurting them and the pain you originally felt will still be there and it will be unresolved . So you'll always be in a state of seeking closure that you never receive .

And then , when you try to circle back to find that closure , they'll accuse you of living in the past . So when you're doing this work , don't waste any energy in hopes that some sort of effective communication method will get your message across to the narcissist .

Do not chase clarity with a narcissist , because they thrive on keeping you in the fog of confusion . Chase clarity within yourself . Let's take another common example . Let's say a narcissistic husband says you talk a lot but you don't do much . The self-doubt you feel is because your mirror neurons have translated his doubt into your own doubt .

Then you turn to your girlfriends and say my husband is so mean he never says anything nice about me . But this is a very ineffective way to handle narcissism , because you're fueling narcissism in a different circle with your girlfriends and you're letting this criticism get to you . All of this will feed the narcissism .

The more you believe the story they're telling you , the more you're caught in the emotional contagion . You're letting the most primitive part of your brain take control . But the power you have is that you can override the message , the message of the self-doubt your mirror neurons are creating through your conscious thoughts .

You can override it by self-work , strengthening your mind , strengthen your response . You are not here to fix another person . You are here to reclaim yourself , and that's the only way you can deal with narcissism .

A few episodes ago , I shared how I let positive emotional contagion influence me all the time . I feel uplifted by other people's growth and evolution , and it's almost effortless for me , especially when I'm in a crowd like that . I simply absorb that energy and let my mirror neurons do that work .

And this effect of mirror neurons is something you don't have to change or fight against . This is natural and incredibly efficient and , not to mention , very beneficial for you . Your mirror neurons are great at their job , so you don't need to consciously override every message they send .

Just focus on overriding the messages that create problems in your life , and those are usually messages coming from your narcissistic relative . No one's going to come up to you and ask you why are you only adopting positive energy from your environment and leaving the rest behind ? The answer is very simple You're doing it because you can .

You can take the messages that help you and leave the ones that don't . The same thing happens with me . If you spend enough time with me , I'll brainwash you into absolutely believing in yourself , and that's the power of emotional contagion .

Because I believe in you , I use your mirror neurons all the time to influence your belief in yourself , just because of this emotional contagion . Here's where things shift , though , because when you're dealing with narcissistic behavior , it's not easy to avoid the negative emotional contagion .

Narcissists use their energy to plant seeds of doubt in you , feeding your insecurities and making you question your worth , and this is exactly why strengthening yourself in the face of narcissism is absolutely fundamental .

You need to consciously reject the negative message their behavior sends you and focus on building the resilience to stand strong , to trust yourself , no matter what emotional tactics they throw at you . The real work is learning to override all of the harmful messages , fortifying your own self-belief and becoming unshakable in the presence of narcissism .

In the next episode , I'll talk more about exactly how to do that and how to empower yourself , so their behavior is no longer defining your emotional reality . With that , I pray to Allah SWT . Ya Allah , I seek refuge in you from the harm of those who are consumed by arrogance and lack of empathy .

O Allah , grant me the wisdom to recognize a harmful action without letting it affect my heart . Strengthen my resolve to focus on my own growth , my healing and my relationship with you . Ya Allah , allow me to remain patient , resilient , allow me to ignore what does not serve my peace , and protect me from becoming entangled in manipulations .

Peace and protect me from becoming entangled in manipulations . Ya Allah , guide me to build inner strength and to always trust in your justice and mercy . Ameen , ya Rabbul Ameen , please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .