Crutches of Self-Worth

Today I'm going to talk about if and any crutch that you might be using to determine your self-worth , and I've talked about this topic a lot , but I want to revisit it from a different angle .

Every woman I coach and most of them being high achievers , deeply spiritual , doing everything quote-unquote right , praying on time , volunteering , keeping up with the home , meeting deadlines at work , planning meals , all of the organizations related to the kids and yet still wondering why don't I feel enough ? Why does it feel like I'm always chasing something ?

For the most part , the fundamental error in the thought is that she's confusing her worth with her value .

What she doesn't realize as a person , and you might not be realizing either , is that you're leaning on accomplishments , your productivity , as crutches to fulfill your self-worth , Not because she wants to show off or impress others and that's why she's doing these things but because , deep down , she's terrified that without these things , she won't matter Her career , her

kids , her cooking , her Quran and other spiritual goals , her hijab , her emotional labor or her physical labor . All of it becomes a way to earn something that was never meant to be earned and that is her right to feel worthy . And I'm speaking directly to you , because the hardest part is that these crutches are invisible .

They look very virtuous , they are worship , motherhood , discipline , ambition and all of these things look beautiful , but when you use them to hold up your identity and you feel hollow or lost without them , they stop being blessings and they stop being beautiful . They start to become burdens , because then that's what weighs you down .

And one way to identify if you're using any of these things as crutches to your worth is if you try to rest , then your mind gives you a guilt trip , your mind . It starts to whisper I'm wasting time , I should be doing something else . Even if you sit down for five minutes , your brain fires off a to-do list and all of the things you haven't done yet .

The voice says don't just sit there , you'll fall behind . And behind what ? Behind who ? That's the question . It never asks and never answers . What you've been sold since childhood is that your worth is earned through productivity .

And especially when you're a Muslim woman , it tells you that a good Muslimah serves non-stop , makes everyone comfortable , is always on whatever is needed , is never tired , doesn't question she's useful . She seems busy , but the irony is that , behind all of this lie , your worth was decided long before you had a chance to prove anything .

Your worth was decided before even your body was formed , before your name was given as an identity , before your parents even taught you right from wrong . And that's when your soul stood before Allah SWT and Allah asked

Am I not your Lord ? And your soul said yes , you are . I bear witness . That is the moment where your worth was sealed , not because of anything you did Not because of anything you promised to do , simply because you were recognized by your creator . And that's the kind of worth I'm talking about here , the worth that is not built , not earned , not achieved .

It's been bestowed upon you . And the most confusing part for a lot of Muslim women is that you don't even unlock or lock that worth up with worship , you don't boost it with good behavior , you don't lose it with sin . You were created with it intact , and the one who created it for you is perfect . And this is where so many women get stuck .

Even the ones who love Allah SWT deeply have conviction in their faith . If worth always remains intact , then what happens to the concept of sin and evil , and worship and good deeds ? What happens if someone disobeys Allah SWT or lives their entire life in worship and remembrance of Allah ?

And the answer to that is very simple for me yes , allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , loves the people that are striving in his path , but you have to remember is that you're not doing it to become worthy . You're doing it because you already are worthy . When you worship from a place of unworthiness , your salah becomes a transaction .

Your fasting feels self-punitive when you're hungry . But when you worship from a place of worthiness your dhikr , your salah , it becomes presence , it becomes peace , it comes from a place of love . And this is the shift I want you guys to create , because striving to be enough , to striving from enoughness and when you start seeing it that way , everything softens .

Even if , despite of your best efforts , you miss a prayer , instead of spiraling into shame ,

you remind yourself what shame was built for and that was built for you , to remember that the door of tawbah is still open .

And if you fail at something , instead of collapsing into self-hate , you hold yourself with compassion , knowing your worth hasn't budged and every time you drop a ball in your life , you still have a chance to be just as held , just as loved , just as seen by your Lord , allah SWT .

Your worth is not on a sliding scale , it's not tied to your ibadah log , it's not calculated based on how many people you serve or how much you accomplish . What does change based on the quality and the quantity of your worship ? Is your value in front of Allah ? Your worth has always been decided . It was decided in the beginning .

It's a part of your worship . Is your value in front of Allah ? Your worth has always been decided . It was decided in the beginning . It's a part of your fitrah . It's already written . It's already being honored . What I'm talking about the difference between worth and value is .

Even the smartest , most self-aware women get confused , and even I sometimes use those words interchangeably in a casual conversation . But that's actually not real . That's not true . For the sake of your healing and for the sake of my goal of providing clarity through this episode for you , I want to hold worth and value as different concepts .

Your worth is fixed , untouchable , assigned by Allah . It doesn't go up and down . Your value is flexible . It changes based on what you're offering to the world or the Akhira . It is what you create , what you give , how you show up , what the intention behind your actions is . It can increase with the acts of worship and sincerity .

It can drop with heedlessness , hypocrisy and sin . This is the thing you build with intention and discipline and action . Let me help you understand the difference by giving a worldly example . Let's say there's a neurosurgeon and another one who's a journalist .

They both have equal worth as human beings , but their value , the thing they contribute to the world , is different . The neurosurgeon is paid differently , not because she's more important as a person , but because of the value she provides in the specific space . Her training was hard , value she provides in the specific space .

Her training was hard , her work is technically demanding . And the journalist , on the other hand , while also deeply essential in her own right , contributes a different kind of value . The problem arises when you start believing that the neurosurgeon is worth more than the journalist . Everyone is equal in front of Allah .

Everyone lines up in Salah , equally in front of Allah . When we start mistaking our worth with our value , that's when we start to create burnout by chasing goals in this world .

Yes , it is absolutely true that higher taqwa raises your rank in front of Allah , that more sincere intention carries more weight , that a small deed done with presence can be more valuable than a larger one done with arrogance . And yet none of that touches your worth .

And the distinction between those two concepts of worth and value is extremely important , because when you realize your worth is intact

, you stop chasing , you stop using the world as your crutch and you start to heal . When you stop confusing the two , your worship becomes cleaner . Your good deeds don't stay contaminated with the desperate need to feel like you matter . Your business , your parenting , your dhikr .

They become an expression of your value , not an attempt to fix something that was never broken . You stop trying to earn your place in the world and you start offering value to the world from a place of deep-rooted conviction , and that elevates your intention behind your actions more than anything else in the world .

So today , I want you to ask yourself , more than anything else in the world . So today , I want you to ask yourself what have you been using as a crutch for your self-worth ? Now , notice , I didn't tell you to ask if you're using something for a crutch for your self-worth , because I know for sure that's happening somewhere somehow .

Just sit with this question what have I been using as a crutch of my self-worth ? What have you been subconsciously saying , as long as I have this , I am enough . Is it the amount of books you read ? The people that are praising you at the dinner party that you hosted ? How many dishes you served ? How many kids you've raised ? The size of your paycheck ?

The compliments that you get at work ? The quality of your wardrobe and how you dress ? The number of Instagram likes ? The fact that your husband seems happy with you or he complains , the way you never start a conflict and always keep the peace ? What is the crutch that your self-worth is hanging on ?

Because , whatever you identify it , as that is not related to your worth at all . You can stop chasing it . It's just built to seem that way by your brain to make it feel safe . But the most beautiful part is that your worth was never in danger to begin with . So there's nothing to fear . You are already worthy , already acceptable , already lovable .

Your degree , your happy marriage , the carefully curated image of being capable , competent and calm you don't need those things to be enough . You might want them and that's allowed , and you can strive towards all of that but you don't need it . Healing comes when you say I'm not doing this because my worth depends on it . I'm

doing this because I choose to , because I want to , because I want to contribute , because I want to love my children , because I value higher education , because I want to build financial independence , because I believe in excellence , because I'm doing it for Allah .

Once you name your crutch and stop calling it the source of your worth , you get your freedom back . You shift your language from I have to do all of these things to I want to do all of these things . You go from this defines me to this expresses me , and suddenly the life that used to feel heavy becomes lighter .

What used to feel like pressure becomes peace , and that ever-moving goalpost of achieving self-worth with action becomes achievable and internalizes . And from now on , your actions are rooted in value , intention and purpose , not fear of unworthiness and inshallah . When you're able to do that , life doesn't just get easier .

With the same amount of ambitious goals , it becomes sacred inshallah , it becomes a life of ihsan . I want you guys to go from I'm proud of achieving to I'm proud of doing to I'm proud of just being . To be proud of being means you don't tie your piece with your checklist . You don't earn your approval .

You're allowed to feel proud , even when you've coasted through the day and you haven't really accomplished anything , even if you didn't contribute , even if when you needed others more than they needed you . And this last one is especially hard , because most of you are okay with being generous , but you're deeply uncomfortable with needing , with resting , with receiving .

So when your body begs for rest and your nervous system fights it and guilt shows up , just take five minutes to do nothing on purpose and let that be enough and be comfortable with it . Let a quiet moment be a success in itself .

Do something that serves no one else but you and it might be something you're already doing , but you didn't consider it just to be for yourself . Maybe it's reading a page of a book just for yourself . Maybe it's making a page of a book just for yourself . Maybe it's making tea .

Maybe it's dressing up , even if no one's going to see you , and write down three ways your presence alone is valuable . The more you practice this , the more your mind will start to trust that it's safe just to be , not to prove , just to be with Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , as your witness .

While that might look like laziness to your brain in the beginning , while it's naive , while it's trying to equate your inherent worth with your productivity , this is far from laziness . This is the right approach to striving . For many Muslim women , childhood was a training ground for performance-based belonging .

Childhood was a training ground for performance-based belonging . You were taught that being good means being quiet , compliant , obedient . That love comes when you please others , not when you honor yourself .

When you were told to give somebody a hug even if you didn't want to , to say yes even when your body said no , to smile even when you were scared , to be polite , agreeable , helpful , especially if you were a girl , especially if

others were watching . And all of that worked because it got you approval , it got you attention , it got you love , it got you the calm , belonging and the peace that you craved as a child .

This became your survival strategy , and it worked so well because now it brought you into adulthood , only for you to not realize that you're handing your self-worth to all of these things .

So here's I want you to know now just because it worked doesn't mean it has to stay , because when my clients tell me that I feel ashamed for being a people pleaser , for over giving , for overdoing , for masking my true values , for overgiving , for overdoing , for masking my true values . I always tell them don't shame . That very skill that kept you safe .

That version of you at a point in your life was brilliant . She did what she needed to do . She got you here . But also , you're not a child anymore . You don't have to beg for belonging . You don't have to prove your belonging . You don't have to trade your truth for approval .

Now , as an adult woman , you get to choose differently , not from worth but from value , something you choose to do . You get to unlearn what made you invisible and relearn what makes you whole . The healing doesn't mean that you throw away the girl who performed her way to safety .

It means that you thank her , you let her rest because she got you where you are in your life now . If I could gift every Muslim woman who has survived this conditioning a few sentences to carry with her , I would say you did what you had to do to survive , but now you're safe enough to be seen exactly as you are .

You never had to earn your place , you were born with it , it was just hidden . You're not hard to love . You're just used to loving others before yourself . Anchor these in your mind and body . You don't need to prove , perform or please to be worthy . You already are and now you just get to live your life like that . With that , I pray to Allah SWT .

Ya Allah , remind me the worth that was written by you for me before the world ever saw me . Free me from the need to prove , to please , to perform . Help me rest in truth that I'm already enough . Replace the weight of guilt by the light of your mercy and let me live and achieve from the place of being loved , not earning love .

Ameen , ya Rabbul Alameen , please keep me in your duas . I will talk to you guys next time .