Burden of Shame

May Allah SWT accept all of your prayers in this month . The topic of today's podcast is a long time in the making and it's about shame how the cycle of shame increases rejection sensitivity .

I've spoken about rejection sensitivity in the past , and a certain level of it is programmed into every human being as a product of belonging and connection , since human beings have evolved to connect because isolation meant death , this translates into some level of emotional impact at the end of a rejection .

When people don't respond to you or people don't turn to you the way you expect them to , there's always a positive expectation of their response towards you , and when that's not met , it turns into a sensation of rejection . This is a part of a normal functioning for a human being to experience rejection and have a fear of isolation .

But , like everything else , this emotion of rejection also lies on a spectrum , anywhere from somebody who is not affected at all to somebody who feels a slight pain or perceived rejection , to somebody who experiences extreme form of rejection sensitivity , a type of dysphoria or RSD , which is an extreme emotional sensitivity and pain driven by the perception that the

person has been rejected or criticized . In rejection sensitivity , dysphoria or RSD , the response is much more intense than what would be expected for somebody who doesn't carry this diagnosis . This response can be a very sudden , severe emotional pain , anxiety or anger that is out of proportion to what the situation calls for .

Rsd is commonly found with other diagnoses , like ADHD or other neurodiverse diagnoses . But the focus of today's podcast is what role does shame play in all of this ? Shame is one of my favorite topics to study and every human being lies somewhere on the spectrum of shame .

If you are somebody who is under the weight of a lot of shame , then your nervous system will be much more sensitive to interpreting rejections and it will make you a lot more intolerable to signs of rejection compared to another average human being .

When people carry a heavy burden of shame , their emotional and psychological systems become more reactive to rejection , more reactive to failure and challenging situations . This heightened sensitivity means that they may experience these events more intensely and with a greater negative impact .

So in this case , shame acts more like an amplifier , exacerbating the emotional pain and distress . And this is a vicious cycle where negative experience reinforces a feeling of shame , which in turn makes the future negative experience even harder to bear . So let's call this bearing of shame as your shame burden .

If you have a lot of shame burden , you carry a lot of weight of shame on your shoulders and because of that your perceived rejection will be just as extreme at the most minimal incidences . And this happens because shame makes rejection about you .

In presence of shame , the way your nervous system interprets the external is that things are happening because of you as a person . It internalizes the rejection , saying that you are inherently wrong or unworthy . Under a heavy shame burden , your thoughts will tell you that you are being rejected because of the very core of you is wrong .

So , on one hand , while some rejection sensitivity is programmed into your nervous system as a part of normal human development , shame not only makes the rejection sensitivity into a heightened response , but it also tells us that it's happening because of us , because who we are , because of some inherent incapability that we are carrying around , because of our genes .

This , of course , is all made up . Shame increases your perceived unworthiness and makes you a target as a human being , when , factually , we know that your worthiness is always whole and intact .

Shame makes it more difficult for you to see that what you're going through might be just a challenging moment in your life , a cycle of up and down , normal ebbs and flow of life , because life as it moves on goes through failures and successes , cycles of winning people over and being able to help them , and cycles of not being able to make an effect in them

at all . Without shame , you're able to recognize that if people are disinterested in you , that is a part and parcel of living , a human experience , and it's a normal part of life . Shame tells you that no , no , no , it's not normal . It just means that you are particularly broken and everyone's rejection is directed specifically at you because of who you are .

In a lot of times , for practicing Muslim women , this becomes very challenging because this rejection becomes about their Islamic identity . Shame starts to tell you that you are being rejected because of your core Muslim identity .

Shame blocks any and all perception of the possibility that you're being rejected not because of who you are , but because you're going through something inevitable , something that's inescapable , a challenging moment in your life as a human being .

Shame makes you believe that challenges in life are abnormal and since you are particularly broken , you are especially rejected because of your brokenness . Having a large shame burden is a main contributor for your nervous system's dysregulation . Address the shame and work on regulating the nervous system and your rejection .

Sensitivity will lose a lot of traction on you Because of the concept of Petra , the innate nature of a human being , the primordial self . In Islam , it is believed that every person is born with this Petra , and the innate disposition of a human being is towards virtue , understanding and belief of tahid , the oneness of God .

This natural state is one of purity and innocence . When an individual experiences intense shame or guilt , it is seen as a departure from this state of Petra . But the only thing that's happening is that the underlying , pure , soulful self is being heavily veiled . It becomes increasingly inaccessible .

You don't ever depart from it , and the Petra is inaccessible because of the burden of shame . But Alhamdulillah , for our benefit , neuroplasticity offers an incredible mind healing opportunity . Pathways that are now so ingrained with shame can be changed towards self-healing . You as an individual can reduce your heightened sensitivity to negative experiences .

Any level of intervention can help rewire the brain to respond more adaptively to stress and emotional pain . Dr Daniel Aiman describes something called Autonomic , autonomic negative thoughts , or ants .

In individuals with a heavy burden of shame or , more consistent with Islamic psychology , people under a heavy burden of waswas , these seemingly automatic negative thoughts that are supposed to be fleeting thoughts become more and more reinforced and they exacerbate the emotional pain .

So you get to recognize and challenge these ants , the automatic negative thoughts , and this is so you can help break the cycle of shame and the heightened sensitivity . A shame disbalance or hyper-focus on the shame and less focus on the recovery should be the main focus of any therapeutic modality .

Spiral of shame creates a negative downward vortex that becomes a self-propagating negative spiral where there's automatically an imbalance and hyper-focus on shame and minimal to no focus on recovery .

Zooming out momentarily and taking a realistic picture of your life , keeping yourself accountable for your moment-to-moment reactions , looking at the forest rather than the trees , and with anything in Islam , this also requires a balanced approach , not a hyper-focus on your own unworthiness .

Again , I'm going to emphasize this again your unworthiness is a false concept because there is no such thing . Every human being is created worthy If you have a tendency to internalize failures and rejection . Find out what your shame burden is .

Start to view each incident as isolated , something that's external , something that does not reflect on your inherent character .

Practicing this perspective will lead to a more balanced personal view , because a distorted personal view is where your flaws are blamed for these negative experiences and , rather than seeing a rejection as a mismatch of needs or seeing rejection as a learning opportunity , you start to interpret these experiences as proof of your inadequacy Again .

The lesson here is to recognize that this is the direct effect of the shame burden that you might carry as an individual .

When you don't work to lift your shame burden , you are essentially programming yourselves with negative beliefs , and this negative programming will affect biological processes , leading to more stress responses and potentially impacting your overall health . Our perception of our environment , including how we interpret experiences and challenges , captures our biology .

If you are living with deep-seated shame , your perception is skewed towards seeing yourself as inherently inadequate . This perception not only reinforces the shame , but also creates a physiological stress response affecting your body's function and health .

Dr Bruce Lipton's work in epigenetics and gene expression shows that your environment influences the expression of your genes through your perceptions .

When your self-perception is through the lens of a heavy shame burden , then your environment will seem like it's full of rejection and these beliefs will activate a fight-and-flight response where you start to live in a constantly activated sympathetic response . This , physiologically , is what activates and deactivates certain genes .

That leads to their unhealthy expression , and an unhealthy genetic expression alters the production of neurotransmitters and hormones in a way that perpetuates the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness .

This feedback loop is done through a biological response that reinforces your negative self-image and although this sounds like a never-ending doom-and-gloom story , the solution in this case is very easy . Solution is just your willingness to help yourself .

So , as always , as a physician , I'm not telling you to take meds or not to take meds for the disbalance of neurotransmitters . I am a physician , but I'm not your physician , and this podcast is not to be used for medical advice , but what I am trying to help you with is trying to reduce your shame burden through your conscious mind .

Solution in this case is with your conscious mind , which is creative and it can think freely . The subconscious mind is habitual and programmed by the conscious mind so that it can recall the past experiences .

If you find yourself entrenched in shame , your subconscious mind is likely filled with negative programming of the past experiences and this programming dictates your automatic responses , like perceptions and reactions , to your environment . And because this is automatic , it makes it challenging to see these experiences in a more neutral and positive light .

But the power of conscious change is that there is a large potential of change through conscious awareness and reprogramming these beliefs . Just by becoming aware of your negative beliefs and consciously choosing to adopt more empowering beliefs , you break the cycle of shame .

This process involves you actively reinterpreting failures and rejections as opportunities for growth and learning . Again , it involves your active participation . Passively , your default mind will continue to reprogram shame in your body . The active participation is done through your understanding of mind and body connection .

The thoughts and beliefs you hold have an impact on your physical health and well-being , and by changing your perceptions about failures you can not only improve your mental and emotional health , but also , potentially , your physical health If you are dealing with a significant product of shame .

Typical difficult life experiences trigger disproportionate reactions and that happens because of an underlying dysregulation of the nervous system .

And while I am talking very psychoanalytic type of language , what that actually means is it just might be manifesting in your life as anxiety , depression , emotional outbursts , reactivity all of it stemming from your inability to process and cope with challenges in a healthy manner .

So there might be some scenarios in your life that , where you are otherwise perfectly capable of handling rejection , your shame burden is making it intolerable .

If you get a rejection letter after an interview but you live in shame for days and weeks after that , crying over the lost opportunity , chances are you're carrying a heavy shame burden If you apply for a promotion but are not considered for the job . Living the vividness of the rejection and the pain constantly is a product of your shame burden .

But what I am going to offer you is , instead of internalizing these news as failures or a reflection of your worth , you have the option to view it as a common workplace occurrence . You have the option to use this experience to seek feedback , understand your reaction to it , figure out where and if you have any areas of improvement that you can work on .

You have the option to prepare better for future opportunities . All we're doing is reframing your thoughts , which helps in mitigating the feelings of shame , and it helps break the cycle .

Many women in the west juggle career , family responsibilities and , when any challenge arises , like not being able to attend a child's event due to work commitments . Under a heavy shame burden , it's very easy to feel guilty and inadequate .

Or if the curated lives presented on social media create a sense of pressure that comes from unrealistic expectations and standards , you might feel inadequate under the shame burden when you're comparing yourself to these idealized images Under a dysregulated nervous system . It's hard for you to normalize the idea that social media is just a representation .

It's not even reality . But the reality will be hidden from you because of your own shame burden about your life circumstances . Shame makes you view difficulties in relationships as personal failures , but every relationship guru and expert will tell you that relationship ruptures are part of dynamics of human interactions .

Because of shame , you will be unable to create healthy conflict management standards , even if they were modeled for you in your childhood . Without shame , you can have the strength and self encouragement to create open communication and approach relationships with problem solving rather than internalizing each argument as a personal fault .

Actively work to change the way you interpret challenges . View them as opportunities for growth . This will help heal your shame burden . Seek out support , use friends , family , professional counselors , coaches all to gain perspective and reduce feelings of shame burden .

Cognitive reframing , as is introduced by cognitive psychologists , is a fancy way of saying just change the sentences in your mind , think about things differently Frequently put your expectations through a fact-check type of a filter . I do want to take some time now to talk about the impact of shame on otherwise intelligent people .

As an intelligent human being , you will have a strong capacity for understanding and reasoning , but when it comes to applying this understanding to your own emotions and behaviors , there will most likely be a disconnect . This gap between cognitive understanding , which is knowing better , to practical application , which is doing better , is rather wide .

And otherwise intelligent women , because what ends up happening is women that are high , functioning and intelligent which , by the way , includes everyone listening , because I know as soon as I say intelligent women , some of you might have a tendency to exclude yourself from that group , but you carry the capacity to understand with your rational mind , so you qualify as

intelligent in this definition . So intelligent women have a strong tendency to rationalize or intellectualize your experiences , especially the shame experience , but this does not necessarily translate into emotional healing or behavioral change .

So what ends up happening is you , as an intelligent woman , will find yourself stuck in patterns of self-criticism and shame , unable to change these patterns , but you having an intellectual knowledge of it .

So then there's this , another loop that gets created , which is the loop of knowing versus doing , and there's a disparity between intellectual and academic understanding and practical application , which grows wider and wider .

Even when you know what is healthier or more productive , you can still struggle to implement these insights into actions , and this gap becomes wider and wider , which leads to more self-shaming , where you berate and judge yourself even more , especially for not living up to your own standards of understanding .

It's a very gentle reminder here Intelligence , intellect , all of that create a high standard for you , but that level of wisdom lives in your brain , while shame lives in your body . The mind can be very smart and rational , but the body doesn't catch up , and it doesn't have to because the body operates under a different set of rules .

So you have to slow down and create an experiential change to provide yourself healing from the shame burden . This discrepancy between cognitive and emotional intelligence is one of the main blocks that I see in people that I coach . Women with high IQs are very adept at processing information , understanding all of the theoretical concepts that I'm providing you .

You are very good at solving abstract problems , but emotional intelligence speaks a whole different language , because emotions live in the body . It is a completely different skill set and this discrepancy leads to a situation where intellectually sound women understand what they should feel in a given situation , what they struggle to meet that standard .

So the over emphasis on rational thinking and learning and acquiring of knowledge . It comes at the expense of acknowledging and processing your emotions . This over emphasis creates an intellectualization of feelings , which means explaining them away instead of experiencing them and managing them effectively .

This is what leads to your inability to make meaningful behavioral change If you find yourself stuck in an intellectual self-fulfilling loop of shame this cycle of knowing what is better but being unable to feel differently . All that means it's time for you to get coaching . It's time for you to slow down .

It's time for you to become aware of your body's cues and start living in the body's mind instead of your intellectual mind . And the more ironic thing is that the intelligent women have a heightened awareness of the gap of intellect and emotions .

So the level of nervous system dysregulation that happens because of shame exacerbates your response to negative experiences . Your intellectual understanding does not help you as much in this regard as much as your emotional intelligence does .

Trying to embody shame and accepting its presence makes it easier for you to accept failures as an external event , an opportunity to learn . Makes it easier for you to separate your failures from your self-worth . I personally have lived through many loops of unsuccessfully trying to solve for my shame with my intelligence . I tried and I failed .

Thinking about your shame is not an advisable method of solving for it . It wasn't until I held space for myself and allowed myself to understand that my shame burden might be slowing me down . That level of acceptance allowed me to seek the right kind of help . Also understand that intellectualization , in your case , might also be a defense mechanism to shame .

But I do hope that in this podcast I've given you enough food for thought and enough awareness so you have all the tools that you need to solve for your shame burden . With that , I pray to Allah SWT . O Allah , the most compassionate , the most merciful , only you know the depths of our hearts and the burdens that we carry .

When I'm under the burden of shame , help me remember my Fattr , o Allah , make it easier for me to return to my pure and innocent nature , just the way you created us . O Allah , grant us the wisdom to tell the difference between knowledge of the mind and wisdom of my body .

Teach me to align my actions with my heart , for you are the best of planners , the most merciful , the most loving . To you I entrust my affairs , my healing . Lift my shame and make easy my journey towards my wholeness . I'm Enya Rabul Alameen . Please keep me in your Dharaz . I will talk to you guys next time .