Boundaries

I love creating and I love helping people out of their suffering , and at Islamic Life Coach School , I've merged the two . It's a fantastic fusion and I enjoy it a lot . So let me give you what I've created for you today .

Today , we're going to talk about boundaries and all the complexities around boundaries , with families , gatherings , relationships , workspace interaction and all . I will give you definitions and various action steps for making boundaries . First of all , boundaries are created for you . They're important to protect you and your values .

They are not created to control other people's actions . It's not about telling other people what to do and attempting to control them . It's actually not about them at all . Boundaries are only about you . This is completely in line with our formula , CTFAR , which tells us that we cannot control others .

To begin with , there are three simple steps to creating successful boundaries . Step one define boundaries to yourself . Step two show your boundaries to others , verbally or other ways . Step 3 . Follow through with your actions if boundaries are not respected . So first , you have to decide and clearly define what your boundaries are .

For example , you have certain rules you've created that you want followed when people come visit your house . If you don't want people to walk in with their shoes on , this is an example of a defined boundary . Second step is that you have to let other people know that this is your boundary .

Like in this example , you have to let them know at the door please take your shoes off , otherwise they'll walk all around your house with the shoes on , not knowing that you're seething inside for the action they're taking . They have no idea that this is what you want .

If , at this point , you're thinking that they should just know and this is common sense I'm here to tell you you will be very surprised as to what common sense entails .

These days , every single person will have a different idea about if shoes will be worn inside the house or not , so you're leaving a lot up for interpretation , and your brain will lead you to believe that a person walking in the house with their shoes on a circumstance is causing you to feel upset , when in reality , it is your thought that they should have

taken their shoes off is what's causing you to feel upset . Circumstance never causes a feeling . Also , we tell ourselves no one is respecting my rules around the house , when the truth is they don't even know the rules and we make it mean so much in our head that it all spins out of control .

Like I said , this happens because something that might be important to you might not be important to others . Boundaries in your head are not physical boundaries like a picket fence around your house that others can actually see and respect .

So define your boundaries and then make them known no shoes in the house or no shoes on the couch , or no jumping on the couch , or no jumping on the furniture , or no jumping in the pool , or no jumping in the pool from the rooftop .

Yeah , that's a boundary that needed to be defined to my teenager recently who was seriously contemplating that idea yeah , and you thought that common sense would do so . Having to verbalize your boundaries doesn't apply to more generally acceptable laws .

Like you don't have to verbalize when someone comes into your house , you don't have to say please don't start smashing my china dishes with a baseball bat , like that is something you don't have to say , it's implied . Same thing I never have to say to another person that you should not be hitting me , or I'll get up and walk away or I'll call the police .

Like it's not a boundary that should have any confusion around it . And if there is and you're having to protect yourself in such ways , then get help . That is abuse . That is not what we're talking about here . Another concept I want to insert here is that the basis of boundaries cannot be judgment .

If you are creating boundaries because you think you know better , you have better standards than others , then you will be forever fighting a losing battle , because the very first person you will be fighting with is yourself . When you have judgment for others , it always stems from judgment for yourself .

That is actually true for whatever we project out to the world , out to the world . If we are critical for others , if we are cynical towards others , if we are hateful towards others , if we are loving towards others , it is because we are all those things to ourselves first , and most of the time we don't realize it .

Same applies to judgment If you are creating boundaries from judgment towards others . For example , other people are so filthy for allowing shoes inside their homes . There are so many germs on the shoes . How can they even live like that ? And I am better , because I will never allow shoes in my house .

If your boundary is coming from a judgment like this , then it is because you're judging yourself first . You will always be fighting to find peace in such a situation . So when you create a boundary , make sure you like the reason behind it . If your reason is nothing other than your preference , that is completely okay , but it cannot be a negative emotion .

So first , you clearly define your boundaries to yourself . Secondly , state those boundaries to other people so you can actually give them a chance to respect them . And the third step is follow through with your action if the boundary is violated and this is the most important step you only have control over your actions .

If people are walking in with their shoes , eating popcorn on the couch or not listening to anything you've told them , then it is extremely important to follow through with your actions . That you said you were going to take Meaning . If you told them please take your shoes off or I will not be serving refreshments , then make sure that's exactly what you do .

Or please take your shoes off or I'll be going in the room to spend time watching TV . Or you tell them , if this rule is not followed , you will not be invited next time . Make sure you follow through with that action . Whatever action you said you were , make sure you follow through with that action .

Whatever action you said you were going to take , follow through , because guess what ? People will ignore you to push your buttons . They will do exactly the opposite of what is asked , just to get a reaction out of you , and that is why we call them family , right .

But what they don't know is that we have a powerful formula for such situations like these and we have learned not to be reactive . But you have to follow through to your actions . If you don't , they will know there are no real consequences to their actions and they will do it again and again .

Here , a very , very important distinction to remember is that your follow through does not have to come from a place of hate or resentment for the person not respecting your boundary . You can totally love them and tell them that I love you , but you didn't respect my boundary and this cannot happen again .

So I have to follow through to my action and do what you said you would . You either leave the party , you either go to your room or whatever you said you were going to do , because becoming angry and screaming or being reactive is just throwing the whole process out the window .

If the circumstance is that they did not take their shoes off , then it's up to you what you make it mean . Are you making it mean that they hate you ? Are you making it mean that they are your enemy from now on ?

Or are you making it mean that they're acting from their own formula and what they do has no effect on you and it is completely outside of you ?

The biggest problem about keeping boundaries comes from not following through with your actions when your boundary is violated , and that is because we think we have no choice but to be reactive when the person ignores the boundary . This is not at all the case . The person taking any action is outside of you .

It doesn't cause you to be reactive unless you have a thought about it , and mostly you are reactive because you're suppressing the thought . How dare they not respect my boundary ? You're coming from a place of rage or anger or upset .

So if you need to practice your case scenario ahead of time , when you predict that your boundary will be violated or you come from an experience that your boundary has been violated , then practice taking your action from a place of love . That is totally possible and this process is so freeing .

If , after all of this , people still don't respect your boundary you follow through to your action from a place of love and they still do what they want to do then question what are you making all of this mean ? Which thought spins are you going into when your boundaries are being violated repeatedly ? This might be advanced work at this time .

I do not recommend that you do that work alone . Please book a free 30-minute coaching session with me and you will see if you have put effort in solving your struggles and you have come this far . A 30-minute free coaching session can bring life-changing insight into your thinking , because I literally gave you all the tools to create healthy boundaries .

If you're still struggling with it , then we just have to take your lower brain out of the way , which , by the way , happens to be my area of expertise .

Another concept I want to go over is verbalizing boundaries and making them known might be uncomfortable , and it is likely because you are thinking that is equivalent to disrespecting others In many Muslim-majority countries .

We're brought up in a culture where making your preference known is discouraged , especially for women , and accommodating others' needs at the expense of your own is encouraged . I want to invite you to come out of that mindset , because foregoing your preferences in the name of self-sacrifice leads to resentment .

And please be clear when I say making your preference known , I am not saying that be disrespectful . Those are two different things , but in our culture they're made to be the same thing . Remember that there is nothing disrespectful about your request for your guests to take their shoes off at the doorstep because that is your preference .

This can apply to any relationship , even with in-laws . It can also apply to relationships at work , and I will also teach you how boundaries apply to relationship with yourself .

If you're able to identify that expressing your needs , preferences , your boundaries , is different than promoting disrespect and it can actually come from a place of love , then you are well on your way to creating healthy boundaries . If not , then you know where to find me , and that is on islamiclifecoachschoolcom .

All one word , so a few other very important concepts I want to touch on is that one of them is islam came to protect women's rights , and it still does to this day very fiercely . Islam came to give a woman her rights way before western and european societies caught up to this concept .

So to think that foregoing your boundaries in the name of self-sacrifice is a religious concept is completely unfounded . Again , it might be a cultural concept , but it is definitely not a religious one .

It is also very important to acknowledge that Islam is a communal religion , and one might question when I'm promoting healthy self-boundaries , then doesn't it equal promoting individualism ? And that is another very big misconception . We are not creating boundaries to disregard others .

We're creating them to give regard to ourselves , and you can hold yourself in high regard and show up to the society to contribute . These concepts are not mutually exclusive . In reality , you actually have to hold yourself in high regard to show up for others . Otherwise you will be fighting to protect yourself before you can ever help your other fellow Muslims .

So know what your boundaries are . Let other people know of your boundaries . Follow through with your actions if the boundaries are violated , and that step is the most important step . All of these steps can only be taken from a place of love and respect and are well within the rights that Quran and Sunnah has granted us .

Problem arises when we are trying to create boundaries from resentment , hate and regret . You are going to fail miserably , not only at creating boundaries , but also at keeping healthy relationships . Boundaries can only be created from a place of love , peace and respect .

If you are not in that place , it's shooting yourself in the foot and asking why your foot hurts . You have done it before , over and over again , and your attempts at boundaries have failed . This is the reason . If you're trying to find that place of love and peace and respect , keep working on it .

Do your thought work , find me for coaching and , above all , ask Allah SWT for guidance . Drop the misconceptions about boundaries that cultures promote . That is a heavy burden to carry and with thought work , we , you , can just drop these thoughts

. For me , just creating these podcasts bring me such clarity makes me realize how complete our religion is . I find true gratitude for all the blessings that we have , collectively and individually in this religion .

Alhamdulillah , for all that we have , I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , that he makes this journey easy for us , that he grants us wisdom and clarity to follow his religion , and that he grants us the courage to find our weaknesses so we can show up for our ummah like we are meant to , and so that we can promote his religion and make da'wah with dignity

that he has granted us , not with the dignity that society deems fit for us . I pray that we find our boundaries within the limits of Islam and we create a life through these boundaries with only the aim of pleasing Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala . Ameen , ya Rabbul Alameen , thank you so much for tuning in , and I will talk to you guys next time .