Blame and Regret

Blaming is a thought . Regret is a feeling , both optional , both very closely tied . Today . Let's start by asking is there an upside to regret ? And , as usual , every emotion has its function . Everything created serves a function , and that includes regret . It is when our primal brain latches on to regret and hyper focuses on it , is when we indulge in it .

That is when we suffer . So , yes , there is an upside to regret if we use this emotion to change our lives moving forward . But we make many emotions habitual , indulgent , where we continue to feel them long after they stop to serve a purpose . This happens because of the brain's negativity bias .

During evolution , it paid off much better if we remembered the danger , like a poisonous berry , so we could avoid it in the future and survive . It didn't pay off to remember a beautiful flower . This led to a negativity bias , which basically says we have a stronger tendency to remember the negative experience than we do a positive one .

With this explanation , whenever we feel a negative emotion , that becomes the default . Same is true when it comes to the emotion of regret . Constantly being regretful or remorseful is nothing but a primal response and , as I've told you many times before , that is the source of the voice of the devil .

So today's podcast is an effort to help us deal with this regret . As a reminder everyone stumbles , everyone makes mistakes . There isn't a human being on the planet who can live a life without regrets . When I was a little girl and by little I mean old enough to understand right from wrong I used to take pride in the fact that I don't have any regrets .

What I didn't realize is that I had not lived a life long enough , I had not made decisions that were important enough and I had not taken charge of my life with strong enough conviction , which is why , back then , it was easy for me to say that I don't have any regrets .

If you live a long enough life , with enough meaning and contribution , you're bound to collect regrets . So not having any regrets is not a badge of honor . It is a sign that you're living a life well , under your potential . This is not permission to take actions with callous disregard . I'm not saying be careless , since the regrets are inevitable .

I'm saying , even with the right intentions , if we end up with regrets , then we deal with them constructively . Also , if you feel regret but you immediately suppress it , it will get trapped in your body and still manifest . And if you never feel regret or remorse , there's a high chance of pathology like psychopathy .

So if you're dealing with regret , then you're not a psychopath , which is excellent news . Now let's figure out how to deal with the regrets in a healthier manner .

Definition of regret as per Google is to feel sad , repentant or disappointed over something that has happened or been done , especially a lost or missed opportunity . This idea of lost or missed opportunity is so fascinating to me because when we are ruminating over an argument we had , we remember how many things we should have said .

We are collecting regret without any benefit . This lost or missed opportunity since it happens always in regards to the past , like something we wish we would have done or wouldn't have done or didn't do . This dwelling in the past is non-constructive , because we know the past is a circumstance , it cannot be changed . It is neutral .

Also , if you did not have the perfect childhood , if you had financial , social or health constraints in the past , it is entirely possible you're collecting a lot of regret all through blame . The past is gone . The way it only affects you now is through your thoughts .

And if you're blaming yourself with your thoughts , then regret is inevitable , just like all of negative emotions . Regret is present to facilitate learning . It is a highly effective teacher . Without regret , we would hardly learn from our past mistakes .

Wishing things were different , blaming yourself for being at the wrong place at the wrong time , saying the wrong things , regretting being harsh towards your children , not always taking the right actions All of this is past . Focused Regret is past focused .

Similarly , maybe you regret having passed a job opportunity or opportunity to travel , or you had an opportunity to sign up for coaching and you didn't . All regret is optional , since it is created by your thoughts . Thoughts like this should not have happened , I should have known better , and the like .

So , since we've established that everyone on the planet , short of psychopaths , carries some weight of regret , it is not about if you've made a mistake or not . It is about how much it's affecting your life afterwards . Neuroscience proves the rate of success depends on the speed of recovery after making a mistake .

Meaning and listen up , you might want to drop everything you're doing , especially if you're listening passively to this podcast . Pay attention here , because success is inversely related to the time you spend in regret . People who are more likely to dwell into regret will miss more opportunities of success , because regret begets regret .

Success does not come from not having any regrets gets regret . Success does not come from not having any regrets . It's about how long you linger in it . It is never about completely avoiding regret . Studies have proven the shorter the time you dwell in regret , the more chances of success .

So now I'm going to teach you guys how to actually shorten this time of regret . The first example has to do with the cognitive bias called sunk cost fallacy . This bias describes a human cognition error that when we invest emotions , time , effort , money into an endeavor , we have a tendency to continue , even if we know the cost will outweigh the benefit .

We become blind to the high price we are paying by continuing to invest in the task because we are afraid of the regret we'll feel when we see the task fail . We will blame ourselves for failing , which is what we avoid when we continue with the task .

I have explained to you guys in podcast number 46 , titled the Best Thing that Can Happen To you , that the best and the worst thing that can happen to you is a feeling , and the feeling of regret can happen to you is a feeling , and the feeling of regret is uncomfortable .

So , subconsciously , human beings go through great lengths to avoid feeling regret , including continuing on a project that has long proven to be fruitless . People would rather continue to invest themselves in a dead-end project , a relationship that is leading nowhere , all just to avoid peeling regret .

This cognitive bias is easily dismantled because when you see the cost of your goal is outweighing the benefit , you can just drop the efforts without blame . Blame creates regret and blame comes from your thoughts , and all thoughts are optional , lucky you .

So , in order to stop the futile efforts on a project , all you have to do is choose not to blame yourself , and the regret will drop , and so will the cognitive bias . This will shorten the time you dwell in regret , directly increasing your chances of success , inshallah . Another way we can tackle regret is when it comes to the past .

Another way we can tackle regret is when it comes to the past . We use regret to blame ourselves for what happened in the past . A lot of times this happens under our conscious awareness . Through the effects of trauma . We are carrying blame for things that happened to us as children .

So modern psychotherapy defines trauma with a big T trauma or with the little t . Trauma with a big T is related to natural disasters , rape , war , famine , fire in the house . It has to do with harm to the physical body .

Examples of trauma with a little t is like being on the receiving end of parental criticism as a child or or even now , in shape of racism , sexism , kinds of microaggression that you deal with at a subconscious level . These might be small insults but accumulate over time and manifest as trauma of the body .

Survival mechanism , as it relates to trauma in children , has to do with accepting blame for whatever is going on . As a child , if you start to believe that people responsible for your survival are wrong , that would definitely mean death . So instead you start to believe that you are wrong . This blame accumulates regret over time .

These tendencies might have served us well when we use them as a defense mechanism in the face of trauma , but right now , as an adult , it does quite the opposite . Another fascinating definition of trauma that I have always adopted as a model of coaching is that it is your point of view .

It is your response to the event that creates trauma so that it lives in your body as your experience . Trauma is nothing external . According to this definition , trauma is anything that overwhelms the ability of the nervous system to cope . So whatever is putting your nervous system into overdrive , that is your trauma .

It does not have to fit any classical definition . For example , I know people who've been in major car accidents without any traces of trauma and I know people who are absolutely devastated with the mere thought of spiders , never actually having encountered a spider , because they saw their mother being scared of spiders when they grew up .

Just the mere thought of spiders renders them completely non-functional . Again , anything that overwhelms your nervous system's ability to cope and that is directly related to your experience , to the stimulus Not the car accident , not the spider . So what can you do to shorten the length of dwelling in regret of the past , especially when it comes to trauma ?

And the answer lies with where on the spectrum of trauma do you lie ? As a busy , high-functioning Muslim mother , most common trauma that I see in my practice is based on demands that a woman places on herself .

Now notice how I didn't say that the demands that society places on a woman , because society can continue to demand more and more from you , but which of these demands you accept is entirely up to you .

So if you're living a high pressure life , it is because you're placing these pressures on yourself , and these pressures might have to do with children , house standard of education , physical beauty . Trauma manifests when we are reaching for perfection in one or more of these areas .

Brene Brown says perfectionism is a moving target because we try to appear perfect as per society's definition and since that definition is not in our control , it is constantly changing and we can never actually achieve that standard . So self-imposed expectations on a Muslim woman pose as trauma with a little t .

The manifestation of this can be panic attacks , restlessness , fatigue , overeating and related weight gain and the likes . This type of manifestation can actually have physical symptoms and very commonly my clients have gone through a slew of medical testing before they come to me .

This type of medical testing is warranted , I might add , but usually by the time they see me they've had all this testing done but they're no closer to any answers .

So on the lighter end of the spectrum , you're living with trauma with a little t In this case , with some work , with introspection and dedication to self-improvement , this trauma can be overcome by coaching and the regret-blame cycle can be cut short .

But at the other extreme of the trauma with a big T , like war , famine , harm to the physical self , it sometimes manifests in such extreme ways that it takes a lot of work . It sometimes manifests in such extreme ways that it takes a lot of work Because this type of trauma severely limits the client's insight into dealing with their own bodies .

This might take longer and require more effort , but you can recover . No matter where you lie on the spectrum , you can improve . The hopelessness is self-imposed . According to sciences , there is no actual reason why you cannot recover from trauma . With the right amount of effort and time , you will see the benefit as well .

And again , no matter where you lie on the spectrum , nothing has gone wrong here . Nothing ever goes wrong . So just to reiterate , it has been shown that a person that recovers quickest from regret is the person that will be most successful . Everyone lies somewhere on the trauma spectrum . Everyone on the planet makes a mistake , big or small .

It is not the fact that people who are handed the perfect cards become successful , it is the fact that they take the least amount of time to recover from a fail , and that is in everyone's control . That skill can be gained , regardless of your circumstances . It is not the absence of regret that predicts success . It is the post-regret recovery period .

The shorter it is , the higher the chance of success . The quicker you learn from regret , the better off you are . Absence of regret does not predict success . Absence of regret predicts psychopathy . So the quickest way to recover from regret is to remember that it comes from your thoughts , and all of your thoughts are optional .

It only lingers because of the sabotaging . Satan continues to feed his thought that would cause our failure . If you've blamed yourself for what adults in your life did to you when you were a child , remember self-blame back then helped you survive . It served a very important function . Self-blame now will actually kill you .

It is because of this self-blame that we engage in self-harm behavior like overeating , addictions and shrinking our lives to such an extent that we all but disappear , all in the name of self-punishment . From my podcast , you know better . It is time to move on . Nothing in your past is irreversible . Plus also knowing that , since regret and blame is past focused .

Remind yourself what was meant to happen did happen . Nothing has gone wrong . Whatever choices you made , you were supposed to make , whatever you felt or thought it was supposed to happen exactly like that , whatever physical features you have , were meant to be there . Your past was your life's journey to bring you to this point .

This way , at least , you take your power back . Now you can use the lesson from regret to create a new future , which is the true value of this emotion . Turn regret into being future focused . Make it your strength . Say to yourself I'm going to do this , so I don't regret not doing it . In the future , will your regret be around ?

Not developing your career or not spending enough time with your children or not doing enough remembrance of Allah ? You can change the future by learning from those regrets and implementing action steps . Now , a very common practice that I teach and I use daily myself is that I use the exercise of avoiding deathbed regrets .

I transport myself in the future at the time of my death and I ask myself what is it that I'm most likely to regret at that time ? And whatever answer comes up , I plan actions during the day according to that .

I plan my upcoming weeks , months , just so I can ensure I tried my best , taking the appropriate actions so I actually have a chance of avoiding those regrets . My biggest personal deathbed regret that I'm working to avoid right now is not touching as many lives as possible with this work , and I'm working hard at it .

So I do believe that regret was created as a useful emotion for us to create a different future , but I also believe that in shaitan's hand it gets misused and we use it to badger ourselves . This prolongs the regret recovery time which blocks our success , which is shaitan's main goal . Again , remember , the presence of regret itself does not block success .

So let's review the pointers we've talked about so far . Method one anytime you feel regret , investigate with introspection what self-blaming thoughts you're thinking and change that sentence . Method two find out where on the trauma spectrum you lie , because at the very extreme of the spectrum you will not be able to solve regret on your own .

At the very extreme of the spectrum , you will not be able to solve regret on your own . You will need professional help . On the lower end of the spectrum , you can learn self-coaching to deal with the blame of the trauma . Method three use regret to create a new future .

Imagine what you will regret a week from now , a year from now , 10 years , or at the end of your life . Define all of your regrets and design your life to avoid them . All of these methods will shorten the recovery time from ongoing regrets .

I do have a workbook for you guys that you can use as an introspection exercise and reveal what regrets you're carrying . It is the self-coaching method that I teach and you can get that workbook at wwwislamiclifecoachschoolcom free . I will leave the link in the show notes .

With that , I pray to Allah to guide us on the straight path , to make us a nation who don't dwell in regret but rather learn from it . I ask Allah to forgive all of our past mistakes , as he is the only one who can forgive us . Please , o Allah , grant us the wisdom to learn from our regrets and so that we don't use it to be in your disobedience .

I pray to Allah that we don't dwell in blame and regret like an addiction and learn it for useful behaviors , without being in disobedience of Allah . Please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .