Being Consumed by Hate

I am super excited to announce my most recent contribution , which is a free group coaching session that I call Wisdom Wednesdays . How it works is that you will receive notifications for the time and link for this event are to be sent out to my email list . So if you're not on my list already , I mean , what are you waiting for ?

I will leave a link in my show notes with the instructions on how to join .

Once you join the email list , you get reminders and other than that , you just need the Zoom link and the proper time to show up with your attention in a relatively distraction-free environment so you can ask questions , get coached , get clarification on the concepts that you learn in this podcast .

So far , I've been running Wisdom Wednesdays for the month of January and we've talked about the topic of ethical confidence , and in February we will be talking about the topic of letting other people hate you . How could that be ? How can you let other people hate you ? You might be asking how can I let that happen ?

But again , if you want to apply this concept experientially and ask questions , then your best bet is to show up on Wisdom Wednesday's coaching session . These sessions are different than the webinars that I've been doing , in which I teach you guys the concepts in depth that I already talk about in the podcast .

So I have multiple levels of involvement podcasts for people who just want to learn passively , wisdom Wednesdays I'm introducing for people who want to learn and apply these concepts , and then , of course , my paid coaching program , which takes it to a whole different level and the transformation you achieve through the EMW .

My paid coaching program is completely different than you can achieve with these two , but I do offer them as an opportunity for you to get involved .

But today we're going to be talking about the topic of hate and how hate can consume us , and there's a lot of talk about consuming items , the consumption of materialistic things , and us consuming a lot more these days than before , and I talk a lot about this topic too .

But I want to bring awareness today to the fact that we , as humans , are being consumed by others . Awareness today to the fact that we , as humans , are being consumed by others . And if we're not being careful it comes with a high cost . So , generally speaking , women are considered an easy target for a consumer driven market .

They have more standards of beauty to uphold . Just through the socialization of film industry and hundreds and hundreds of years of a male dominant consumer society that dictates women should look like something to be acceptable , and I am very much a part of this phenomenon .

I can't say I've totally dislodged myself from trying to fit in , but I do say that I try my best not to let the consumerism affect my values and , alhamdulillah , I do a decent job . But this type of economy as a whole makes for women to be very easy targets for advertising and selling .

Same social forces design a woman's mind and nervous system to shape it into people pleasers and if women are not careful , this turns into constant need for validation and attention . Again , the good news is that through self-directed neuroplasticity coaching or self-coaching , that mind can be reshaped .

All you have to remember is that the true self-worth and empowerment comes from within yourself , through your thoughts , thoughts about yourself , and not from looking a certain way or consuming or vacationing . So you might say we know about this generic topic . Why am I talking about it .

And that's because , just like we are programmed into consuming and if we're not consciously engaging our values and continuously realigning ourselves , we can be swept away in this consumer programming the same way we can get consumed by other people as a product . Like , we become the product of consumption , and that happens through the emotion of hate .

And , yes , at some level you are being consumed by other people's hate if you're constantly finding yourself being bothered by it . And , yes , there are people in your life that might hate you .

It could be your neighbor or somebody you went to school with , a family member , and I generally don't use the word hate because it is felt most intensely within the body . But these concepts that I will talk about apply to people generally not liking you or avoiding you or not care too much to be around you .

You can apply it to any avoidant type of emotion that you want , that you worry other people feel towards you , especially if the emotion of hate is very triggering to you at this point , and you can work up to that level . Start with other emotions and you can work yourself up to handling being hated .

You don't want people hating you , I get that , but it can happen . Anyways , what other people think and how they feel towards you is not in your control . So people have a tendency to tell me but I don't want anyone to hate me , because then I will feel all the hate happen anyways .

What other people think and how they feel towards you is not in your control . So people have a tendency to tell me but I don't want anyone to hate me , because then I will feel all the hate . Let's review what we learned in this podcast . You cannot experience their hate as an emotion .

They created their hate through their thoughts and they get to experience it . The only way you get to experience the hate is if you have hateful thoughts about them , so then you will experience the hate towards them . You will be experiencing the emotion of hate at that point . How you feel depends on your nervous system and on your thoughts .

Them feeling hate is not causing you to feel hate . That can never happen . You are not experiencing their hate , you're experiencing yours . It's a feeling that you create with your mind , with your thoughts . So it becomes useless for you to wish and try to manipulate other people into not hating you , because it's not affecting you in the first place .

Unless you let it , it is absolutely impossible for you to feel an emotion of somebody else unless it is being recreated through your own thoughts , through your own nervous system . Our thoughts , own nervous system , our thoughts create our feelings and their thoughts create their feelings . So then people tell me but what about the energy ?

It feels like I'm almost having a contagious effect of this hate .

And a lot of times our minds are so attuned to other people's emotions we are either very emotionally intelligent or highly sensitive to others Diagnosis like people that have HSP highly sensitive person which I happen to be one of them Then in those cases we automatically are interpreting a person's emotional state through our mind as soon as we have entered the room .

And if a person is acting hateful or angry or sad , our subconscious mind has already started interpreting their body language .

So our body mind has gone through the work a lot earlier than our conscious mind can interpret the language in our head that creates the feeling of an emotion of hate or sadness or anger that we think is contagious but is actually being recreated by our mind .

Highly empathic people do this very well where they don't even know how they're able to relate to other people's emotions and their own minds are very well attuned to interpreting multiple cues , which results in their mind recreating their emotion that they then feel for themselves . But we accidentally make this mean that we're feeling other people's emotions .

That's what I thought was always happening to me when I was highly attuned to other people's emotional states in my life . Other people's emotions do not get transferred into you , they do not radiate into you . They do not get conducted like a conduction stovetop .

There is no energy that gets transferred Unless it goes through your nervous system and it gets recreated by your mind , which is why I teach the whole mind body integrated system . Considering it is one of the most holistic approaches . That's what islam says as well , that we are a whole integrated , being created with a mind body combination .

So give up the anxiety that you might catch somebody else's hate like a cold . That can't happen . It is absolutely impossible for you to feel an emotion of somebody else unless it is through your own nervous system .

Other classic people pleaser response that I get from women is that I don't have anyone in my life that is upset with me or that level of pressure on yourself . Prophet muhammad peace be upon him was hated so much by the people of makkah that they placed a bounty on his head . They drove him out of the city , but what did he do ?

He stayed true to his message . He didn't let that hate weigh him down . He kept focusing on delivering allah's message . He kept focusing on what was in his power . When you zoom out of this tunnel vision of how you can make everyone like you , you will realize that there are close to 8 billion people on the planet . That's a lot of people .

And if somebody found you out in all your truth , ups and downs , good and the bad , pretty and the ugly , at least a few out of those almost 8 billion people are bound not to like you and possibly even hate you . It's like trying to make a vegan love a steak or a steak lover go on a vegan diet . It's not gonna happen .

So let's just take the pressure off and stop trying to make everyone like you . It's just not possible . Even if you're the most likable person on the planet , there's bound to be at least a few people that just won't be into you . And and that's okay . You don't need everyone to like you to have a fulfilling life .

You can grab a steak and enjoy it with a full understanding that not everyone loves steaks , and that's okay . If you could actually make everyone like you , you'd be the ultimate social butterfly life of a party and a popular kid in school all rolled into one . It's just not possible .

And if you are able to manage that level of liking , you're going to be costing yourself a lot of work and it's going to be exhausting . The truth is , we all have our quirks and imperfections , and that's what makes us human . Let's take the pressure off and stop trying to make everyone like you .

Instead , let's focus on being true to yourself and let the chips fall where they may . If somebody doesn't like you , it's their loss . This frees up your energy to make some real friends , the ones who accept you for who you truly are .

Quirks and all what people pleasing is doing is that we think we can change other people's thoughts about us so that they would stop hating us , and that is exhausting . Let me tell you a quick reminder Most of the people on the planet don't know what their own thoughts are , let alone knowing that their thoughts create their feelings .

They definitely do not know that their thoughts are optional and since majority of the people on the planet believe that their thoughts are factual , they will not believe you . When you try to convince them out of hating you , they will actually lock into their hateful narrative even more .

If you try to change their mind against their will , the more you force your story on them , the stronger they will cling to their story about you . Manipulating them into changing their opinion when they're not willing will have the opposite effect it will only make their opinion about you stronger . So now I'm going to also approach this in another way .

When I usually teach you guys this formula C-NEAR , c-n-e-a-r circumstances-nervous system thoughts and emotions , actions and results that's what the C-NIR stands for . The N for the nervous system is our thoughts they are independent and circumstances that are outside of us , which include the people that are outside of us that are hating us .

They do not cause our thoughts , but rather our mind generates thoughts about the circumstance . Think of it as an inside-out phenomenon , not an outside-in Mind , projecting outwards to the circumstance what needs to happen , not the other way around . And our thoughts , since they're directly related to our emotion , they cause our emotion .

They're actually considered one and the same thing in the mind-body theory , and this experiential emotion that we feel at the body's level generates actions that generate the results that we're living . So circumstances are factual , and for someone's hate to be factual , they have to have said it to you In some words .

They have to have said it out loud , written or electronically . Since hate is an emotion felt by others towards you , you have no way of making it purely factual unless they tell it to you . You cannot be sure of how someone is feeling unless they verbalize it .

If they're acting hateful , that is still open for multiple interpretations and different people will interpret it differently , making it non-factual . So since hate is a feeling , for it to be a circumstance , for it to be factual , for it to be factual , it has to be told to you .

Majority of the time , other people's hates towards you is not a circumstance , it's mostly our interpretation of the circumstance , and that's through the thoughts . The burden of proving someone else's hate towards you is on you . You have to prove it to be factual and that's actually quite a lot of work , more work than you'd like to think .

And as always , as a shortcut , in the name of efficiency , the brain makes up stories to prove what we think is factual , and usually these stories are very vivid and elaborate and they're about hate . Stories that seem like fact and the brain cleverly omits the burden of proof altogether .

If someone doesn't show up for your invite three times in a row , brain will say they must hate me . Neighbor didn't return a favor when you helped them jumpstart their car . Brain says they must hate me . The new employee hates me because I ask if I can bring them something from the cafeteria and they don't even answer me .

In all of these cases , hate is not factual . It is your interpretation of someone else's behavior . Brain is doing its efficient thing and defaulting to the primal response of hate as a fear response , as it applies to most of our default behaviors . The comment of hate towards you is neutral . It is a circumstance . Circumstance .

It is not heavy , it is not loaded , it is not a big deal until you make it mean all of those things . But let's say we can prove their hate towards us like a fact and we've proven it to be a fact . We still have a lot of power in a way that we think about these things .

If we let their hate consume us , that's because we've believed their hateful rhetoric . And how we let other people's hate consume us is that's because we've believed their hateful rhetoric . And how we let other people's hate consume us is because most of us are making it mean something about us .

If somebody said something hateful about us , we make it mean that we are hateful , that we are bad , that we are lesser than them . Then we start to focus on our mistakes and we believe through our actions where we are imperfect and where in our lives we didn't show up with perfection .

Then we use our actions to prove their hateful thoughts towards us and then we justify to ourselves with all of the evidence how their remark is true . We prove to ourselves that we're not lovable or that we are unworthy when we make it mean all of those things . That is what causes us the tremendous amount of pain and that is what consumes us .

Other person's hate does not consume us . Other person's hate towards us is a circumstance . It is neutral . Unless we believe their hate about us , unless we make it mean that it's true to us , it cannot consume us . Our thoughts create our feelings and their thought creates their feelings . We can just let other people hate us .

Not everyone's going to love you , not everyone's going to even like you . Some people might even hate you , but that is to their own detriment . Only If you allow them to hate you .

If you let them hate you which they're allowed to do anyways if you don't let their hate mean anything about you , then they can just keep their hate to themselves and they stay in their hateful world and you can do just what you want in your world , independent of them .

And I know it might seem so much easier than done , because when someone is hating towards you , the social connection neurons of the brain get fired up and you feel like you're feeling their hate .

But , like I said , your neurons , your brain , your mind is always on the receiving end of things and if you're letting other people's hate get to you , then you're not taking control of your mind . When you let other people's hate consume you , you're depleting your energy stores .

I would just really like to know what good can come out of being bothered by other people's hate towards you . Like , really , what is the upside of thinking about how much whatever other person hates you ? There is no good outcome from thinking about that , none .

Then my clients in coaching try to make a case and justify their belief and tell me I can't just let them hate me . That's horrible . And I say why not ? And if you worry that their hate will do something harmful to you , then protect yourself , protect your family , protect your faith .

Your physical protection is of utmost importance and I'm not asking you to expose yourself to danger . I'm asking to let them hate you by not believing them , and you can still protect yourself fiercely if you need to . Protection for yourself needs to be fueled by love for yourself , for your loved ones , for your religion , your community .

It does not need to be fueled by your hate towards them or your anger towards them . Hate in itself has been such a loaded emotion for me . It took me a while to embody it completely and understand it with all of its nuances . When we think of hate towards us as a Muslim woman , we think of Islamophobia , which can take an extreme form of hate .

But you can allow Islamophobia and you can protect yourself . You don't have to let it consume you .

There was a lot of healing that needed to take place in my mind and my body before I could totally immerse myself in the love that surrounds me , in my friendships and my immediate family relations , my acquaintances , my professional life , my friendships and my immediate family relations , my acquaintances , my professional life .

Love is everywhere , because I start to see the love when I stop letting myself be consumed by the hate and again , the easiest way to do that is to let other people be consumed by their hate . Navigating this type of emotional drain is very obvious in my life .

The more my message becomes available , the more followers I get , the more hate comments I get , and that's okay . My message is not for everyone . If I hyper-focused on the hate comments , then I couldn't be here giving you this value , and this value is to free you from your own consuming thoughts about hate .

If I couldn't separate myself , I would be sitting in a corner worrying about the people who didn't connect with my message . It was only after I released myself from their hate that I was able to show up here for you .

Then there's also an aspect where it's easier to let other people hate you that you don't know , like a stranger who left a comment on your social media . But what about if it's your boss or your family member ? Again , the process is the same .

Their hate does not cause your hate , regardless of the proximity or how closely related you are to the person who is trying to hate you . It doesn't matter how much you see the person , it doesn't matter if you're genetically related to them . The process is exactly the same . They are your circumstance and you are the owner of your thoughts .

You need to create that gap . You need to create that distance for you to be able to create the distance in your relationships , just so these relationships can be healthy to your standard .

If your boss has verbalized that they hate you and they will never treat you fairly , then it is up to you to create new opportunities , either in a different department or with a different boss , or with a different job altogether .

It's up to you to leave that opportunity altogether without having created hate for the boss , or you can stay in that job and try to see how else you can create your opportunities . Hate still remains an option for you Either way .

The message is that you don't have to be consumed by somebody else's hate , and this is independent of their proximity to you or their authority over you . Other people are allowed to say things to you . They're allowed to say things about you to other people . It can be your in-laws or your ex-husband or your husband's ex -wife .

All of these people are allowed to hate you . They have that freedom . You giving them that freedom is of no consequence . They already have it . The hardest for many people when it comes to hate is that we want them to stop . We want the other person to stop hating us . We want them to behave better . We want them to get fixed .

We want them to act in a better way . However we decide to define that better way is we justify our requirement because that is the reasonable social thing to expect ? But the problem is that other people don't read our manuals about them .

They don't subscribe to the same social decorum as we do , and even if they did , they can stop following it out of their hate towards us . They're allowed to hate whoever they want whenever they want . Trying to teach them or wishing really hard they should do something different is not going to necessarily change them .

Let other people hate you it's fine , you'll be fine , everything's totally fine , because if you allow your brain to let them hate you , it releases the resistance towards that hate and it releases that constant grip it has on you . Then you are no longer consumed by the hate .

You are free to focus on people that love you and that you love , and you can focus your mind , energy and time and , most importantly , you can focus your attention on people that you want to love . It's natural to want to be liked by others and to strive for positive relationships , but we are all unique individuals with our own quirks and imperfections .

It is unlikely that we will be able to make everyone like us , and that's okay . Another most important thing you can do is make dua from a clean energy for people that harbor hate . You can do is make dua from a clean energy for people that harbor hate .

I say from a clean energy because if you feel hate towards them as a result of their hate towards you that's not clean energy . Then you're just perpetuating more hate in the world . Now there's no difference between you and the person hating you .

You are both sitting there in hate , making dua for them that they be guided on a straight path , dua for protection against their actions . Ultimately , dua that your mind be fortified enough that you don't believe their hateful rhetoric . All of that dua can come from a clean energy , from a place of love for yourself and your loved ones .

Make this powerful dua from a clean and uplifted and more powerful energy and after that , most importantly , detach yourself from the results of that dua . Like you can't make dua for someone to be guided on a straight path and be constantly checking back on how loving they've become .

Your dua is answered in many ways Some that might be obvious to you , others not so much . If you make dua clinging to the result that that dua will change other people , you will likely drop back into manipulative tendency , wishing they were different and hoping they would stop hating .

Guidance from Allah comes in many shapes and forms , some that you might not even recognize . To make your own high quality dua , your heart and mind needs to be pure . Guidance from Allah comes in many shapes and forms , some that you might not even recognize . To make your own high quality dua , your heart and mind needs to be pure .

That's it , and the results are up to Allah SWT . Make dua with disengagement of the results . Detachment from the result of this dua will immediately give you relief because you stop trying to control the other person with your actions and you start to rely on Allah . You also step into your own empowerment this way , because you will start to let them be .

You will allow them to exist just like they are , just like Allah SWT has allowed them to exist . Ask Allah SWT from a place of genuine sincerity that their hate not affect you , your family or your loved ones , but you are believing that only Allah can guide them .

By letting go of the need to control the actions of others , you will be able to step into your own empowerment , and that is a much more powerful place to make du'a from and to create change from . With that , I make du'a for a fortified mind and a fortified heart

. O Allah , I ask that you grant us purification of our character , regardless of any hate or anger in the world . We seek your protection , and your protection alone , against the harmful energies of this world . O Allah , grant us a superior character than the people who harbor hate .

O Allah , don't make us of the people of hate than the people who harbor hate . O Allah , don't make us of the people of hate . Protect this nation from the effects of socialized hate against Islam , against Muslims . I ask for your ultimate protection for us , for our families and our loved ones , from any harm that might be caused by the hate .

I pray , o Allah , that you guide us to release our need of controlling the outcome , as we have no control on others . Help us remember that you and you alone are of the ultimate control . I make this Dua from a place of genuine sincerity , knowing that only you have the power to truly change anyone's heart , guide us all , hateful or not , on a straight path .

Siratul Mustaqeem , please keep me in your Dua's . I will talk to you guys next time .