Authenticity for a Woman in Islam

I noticed it in general conversations , and everyone means it to be something different , something other than what each of them in a conversation are meaning it to be and what I mean it to be . So I figured I'd dedicate a podcast to the meaning of authenticity and how it applies to us as Muslim women .

For now , the way I see it is , everyone is taking authenticity to mean something different , something that serves them , which I'm all for .

You can define and redefine any concept that helps you create a life of your design , but I do find that there are some things about authenticity that needed to be pointed out , especially as it relates to our current society .

Authenticity is when your thoughts are aligned with how you feel , which are then , in turn , aligned with the words you speak or actions you take , meaning your words are truthful and you believe what you're saying with your body .

There is psychological alignment meaning authenticity , which involves a congruence between your internal state , thoughts , feelings , values and external expressions like your words and actions . So authenticity by definition is meaning a type of self-congruence , a self-coherence . When there is this level of alignment , people experience a greater sense of well-being .

Authentic behaviors , by definition , activate neural reward networks and human beings have a high sensitivity to people who are being authentic . They're perceived as genuine and honest . When you feel authentic and when you're acting in that way , that frequency , vibration , that energy level lets you create genuine relationships .

Evolutionarily speaking , the ability to detect inauthenticity in others was important for survival as it related to your trust and cooperation within groups . And even now we're deeply worried to detect when someone is being incongruent . There's , technically , that meant danger and a difference between survival and death .

But now let me bring your attention to our current understanding of authenticity these days , what our sub-vocal understanding of authenticity is . It has to do more with immediate gratification , continually giving in to your intrusive thoughts , base desires , your lower urges .

If somebody cuts you off and you're triggered by their erratic driving and you yell at them and you curse , you release that frustration and with that comes immediate gratification of giving the driver a piece of your mind . This is labeled as authentic . Reaction to your immediate impulse is defined as authentic . You get triggered and you act from that trigger .

By this definition of alignment , you act according to how you think and feel , even if each time you're just reacting to a situation , and this can be considered authentic , and technically it is .

But what I'm about to point out to you in this podcast is the difference between higher level of authenticity as it relates to our moral and long term values , versus authenticity , as we label it , just by acting on our triggers . Imagine a scenario where you , as an employee , is unfairly criticized by a colleague in a team meeting . This triggers you .

You react immediately with anger or defensiveness , with little regard to the magnitude of your reaction or the unprofessional nature of your response . It can totally pass as being authentic because , after all , you were being unfairly criticized . But I will point out that this is a lower level of authenticity .

This is from your lower brain , because authenticity from a more evolved response would be taking a moment to process the criticism . We approach the colleague privately to discuss the matter , maybe being assertive in public or in private , or even confronting them during the meeting , but with a controlled response .

Both of these responses reflect authenticity , especially if you're working strictly with the definition of alignment like I gave it to you . But if you're authentic from a higher brain , you will choose intentionally .

You will always be more impactful that way and you will have more long-lasting positive consequences Rather than just the immediate gratification of telling the colleague off . I'm not saying my enemies don't hold the colleague responsible .

I'm saying doing it from a triggered state doesn't create as much impact as you would want , and that's because the immediate impression of the situation that your brain creates is not always accurate . Usually , for an untrained mind , the immediate impulse is that of the default setting right out of the box .

And again , the tragedy here is that these days it's being described as authentic and being celebrated , meaning if you felt angry in that moment and you acted on that anger , or if you have a desire towards the opposite gender and you act on it because that's just how you feel . That's what's called authentic .

I Do what I feel like doing , yeah , well , of course you will feel like it because your brain has thoughts about every single one of your situations and you will have feelings about every one of these situations . But is it always the thought and the impression that you want to adopt , the very first impression that your brain gave you .

Is that really what you want to choose ? When I invite you to the work of self elevation , often the response is I'm just being myself . What is your problem ? I'm doing what I feel like doing . Especially for people who look forward to conflict and thrive in arguments , there's stances . I'm being myself .

I don't care how uncomfortable I make anyone else feel around me . This is my true , authentic self . And I do agree . You're totally allowed to practice that level of authenticity .

But I just want to point out that there's another level that you can practice , and the one I choose to practice is from my intentional thoughts and feelings , and from these intentional thoughts I'm still in a state of believing what I'm saying and Acting in alignment with this belief . It's just that I'm acting from more refined beliefs .

They come from a better , improved version of myself . Before choosing the belief that my default effortless thoughts offer me Authenticity in the postmodern world is about acting on your lower , most animalistic desires and calling it not only acceptable but noble . I don't feel like taking care of my elderly parents .

I can't stand my neighbors Just giving in to your default idea of what is more convenient and relaxing and what is right , and then calling it authentic , while , again , it is in alignment with your thoughts and feelings . It is extremely self-referential because the mind is capable of justifying all sorts of evil , just to justify your actions .

The mind is extremely creative , but its experience is subjective and it will justify the lowest of the low action if it keeps you in alignment , meaning it will create elaborate stories to justify your thinking , just so you produce feelings and actions in congruence , just so you can feel authentic , your mind will go out of its way to present you excuses ,

justifications , thoughts that explain your action away . Again , just to keep you in alignment , because authenticity is the highest frequency vibration of an emotion that you can feel as a human . And I heard somewhere that the frequency of Authenticity is four times stronger than the frequency of love , meaning it's more pleasurable for a human brain to feel authentic .

And , by the way , I heard this comment on the internet and I mean , if it's on the internet it must be true , but I was not able to fact check the statistic . I couldn't find anything that scientifically proved this number of Authenticity being four times stronger and pleasurable than love .

I did hear it from an expert in a video , but again I don't have any facts to back it up .

But in any case , even Experientially if I am to set aside this lack of scientific evidence that authenticity is more magnetic and powerful than love I can just tell you experientially , by the factor of being alive on this planet , that when I feel authentic it is a highly pleasurable state to be in . It is a powerful , magnetic state .

All of this can be called congruence , integrity . So again , the point I was trying to make is your mind will go out of its way to present you all of the thoughts to justify your actions , just so you can stay in alignment and integrity , because the human mind seeks and craves that state and it always wants to be in alignment .

So another example is if a friend asks me to get together on Friday night for dinner and I say , sure , let's do it , it will be fun . I haven't seen you in so long , but in the back of my mind I'm thinking she's either always late or cancelling plans at the last minute , I will feel incongruent when I'm agreeing to this invite .

I'm not believing with my body what I'm saying with my mouth . I'm agreeing with my actions , but what I'm actually believing with my body is that it's never going to happen . This state of inauthenticity is very uncomfortable for the brain .

So , depending on your previous habits , you will either explain away her behavior yeah , she has so much going on , she's cancelling last minute because of this , that and the other . You can explain her behavior , or you can explain your behavior . What else am I supposed to do ? I can't say no to a good friend .

Or , for now , I can just say yes and be polite and make other plans at the same time , knowing that this will never materialize . Or the brain will tell you that you can be upset at her and fight with her for not being true to her words .

Again , the mind will create a multitude of reasons to prove to you that you are not being inauthentic , or why it's okay for you to be inauthentic and say yes to the invite while you don't believe her . From the modern definition of integrity , congruence , authenticity as long as you can justify your actions with your feelings and your thoughts , it's authentic .

This superficial level of authenticity does not consider your higher order of thinking .

It completely disregards any reflection , any pause and choose response , and it definitely disregards divine authority , meaning you think , you feel and you act just because of you , even if it's annoyance , even if it's anger , rage , lustful desire , regardless of any higher moral standards , only standard being that is what you want . This is what authenticity has become .

But what is authenticity supposed to be ? And that's what we're going to talk about for the rest of the podcast , because I want to invite the Muslim woman listening to this podcast to hold themselves to a higher standard .

For example , when I experience frustration or anger , the postmodern view might suggest acting on these emotions directly , labeling all of these reactions as authentic , but in my Islamic practice , I strive and I choose to reflect on these emotions and respond in a way that is true to my faith , my higher long term and moral values .

It is always about being honest with my emotion , yet it is also being responsible with how you express and act upon them . Taking care of my parents , even if it's challenging , or showing empathy towards my neighbors , no matter how annoying my otherwise lower brain thinks they are .

All of these can also be acts of authenticity in their truest form , but that only happens if you come from more elevated thoughts . Thoughts , like every human being , is created on a pure soul . My responsibility is how I treat them . My long term value is service and contribution .

Authenticity of thoughts from the higher nature , like I described , reflects a commitment to values and it transcends immediate desires . It embodies a deeper , more holistic form of authenticity .

This level of congruence doesn't equal to giving in to the lowest desires of the nuffs and , more importantly , it also doesn't imply a fake humility or toxic positivity , meaning you going around thinking positively about every situation , especially if you don't believe it .

What it means is that you don't just give in to your basic desires , like the one of your ego or nuffs . So if you're angry , it's not just about letting the anger take over while you can do it .

But in case showing up with anger is not your value and you regret your actions , if you're acting on anger and frustration , then thinking about the situation where you are curious while you're angry and showing up with a different chosen emotion Anger is default curiosity might be the more elevated version of authenticity .

This higher level of authenticity doesn't mean pretending to always be overly positive . It's about being sincere and true to your higher chosen beliefs , even if that's tougher to do , because the easy way might be reflexive thinking , abrupt reactions and then calling it authentic .

My invite to you here is authentic , is reflective , curious , thinking about what you're thinking and choosing a response with your goals in mind , showing up in relationships as authentic , keeping your future goals in mind , making financial decisions , keeping your long term goals in mind , not just giving in to impulsivity because a TV came on sale and justifying that

impulsive purchase by calling it authentic . I bought this and that because I wanted to . I felt like it was a good idea in the moment . Yes , of course it will feel like a good idea in the moment because that's what consumer economy promotes and currently you have all of the language that you ever need .

Based on the current understanding of authenticity , that you are actually being congruent when you're actually just being reactive to the situation , falling for and believing the first story your brain tells you about the situation and acting from that belief .

And , like I told you in the beginning of the podcast , yes , in this case thoughts , feelings and actions are aligned , but for a Muslim striving to be a more elevated human being , that is the path to get over the initial intrusive thought , to get over the understanding what feels like a good idea in the moment and graduating to a level of thought that is in

more alignment with your long-term values and goals . While you might be in alignment with your immediate gratification brain , you will be out of alignment with your long-term goals . Buying a TV on impulse , yes , you can justify your actions by thoughts that it was on sale and it was a bigger TV , it was a better quality .

But if your higher value is that you're saving for a down payment on your house but you can't seem to save up , because every time there's some money in your bank account , the brain explains away all of your impulsive purchases in the name of authenticity , as the modern definition would have it .

But then , as a result of all of that , you're out of alignment with your higher order thinking , the brain that wants you to save up and have a house in your name .

Another example I can give you guys is if someone doesn't return a personal loan , showing up from ego authenticity , you will constantly be reminding them , telling them their behavior is not appropriate and being frustrated and upset at the situation , especially at them .

Higher authentic in this case might be letting your reflexive thinking unfold , like being angry and frustrated , but without acting on it , letting yourself be open to other options about the situation , other thoughts , like others don't prioritize paying people back as much as I do . What action can I take to ensure I get my money back ? Or for me personally ?

If I have given somebody a loan , I consider it a gift . If they return it , great . If they don't , I choose not to hold it against them . This is a thoughtful decision I've made way ahead of time because I have seen close relationships get ruined over money . I choose not to give anyone loans that I don't want to gift money to .

So congruence extends to integrating various roles in life . In my personal life , I choose kindness and generosity ahead of time , while professionally I choose expertise and efficiency . Being in higher congruence means I act in alignment with these values .

Of course , my brain will justify arrogance , superiority , a stickler type of leadership behavior , and it will justify it by calling it authentic . But if it is only serving me in the moment and ruining it for me in the long run , then of course it's lower level of authenticity .

They also say taking up space , being loud , not being apologetic for being yourself is authentic , when practically what it translates to is I don't care who you are , I don't care what anybody says , I don't care what the values of respect are , including religious teachings .

If I think you're wrong , I'm going to make it known loudly , verbally , physically , and that is my definition of taking up space and being authentic . And , of course , I always tell you if that is what you choose . No judgment on that , but I want you to be aware .

If you think someone is wrong , there are other ways to make your point known , coming from higher levels of authenticity . But I want you to choose from awareness , because true , authentic living is deeply connected to emotional well-being , the long-term satisfaction in your life , the eudaimonic happiness rather than the hedonic happiness .

In each level of authenticity , you are more likely to experience positive emotions , but one is longer lasting , has a higher self-esteem and a much better life satisfaction . When I ask you to give up your lower levels of authenticity , I'm not asking you to stay in incongruence , because discrepancies between your values and actions will lead to psychological distress .

What I'm asking you is to graduate from lower to higher levels of authenticity . Inauthentic living is associated with negative emotional states like anxiety and depression . It triggers stress-related pathways . Authenticity is a state where your reward neural pathways are activated and this is a dynamic process . It is not a static trait .

It involves continuous self-exlaration and adaptation . You may experience different degrees of authenticity in different areas of your life at different times , as have been my journey . For me , as a Muslim woman , understanding and embodying this level of authenticity takes on a profound significance , especially when contrasted with the post-modern definition of this word .

In today's world , authenticity being misconstrued as acting upon your most basic animalistic desires under the guise of being true to yourself .

This perspective only promotes a self-centered approach , where actions are justified solely based on personal feelings and desires , even if they conflict with your long-term goals , especially even if they conflict with your higher moral or ethical standards . For me personally , it is immensely helpful to know the difference between these two levels of authentic states .

When I'm choosing my friends , when I'm educating my children , when I'm leading my team at work through patient care , when I'm creating different business strategies , what level of authenticity am I practicing ? This simple question opens up profound levels of meaning . The practical application from this podcast is recognizing which level of authenticity you're operating from .

They will both feel good , aligned , integrated , but one will come at the cost of the long term . Begin with this recognition for yourself and then choose with awareness which one would you like to adopt . I choose to practice higher and higher level of congruence .

As my understanding of Islamic teachings continues to unfold , I continue to learn what is moral and what is Islamic and , as a state of a human being , I fluctuate between my understanding of both of these states and I fluctuate in my application of them .

The postmodern interpretation of authenticity is deeply flawed , which leads to actions driven by anger , rage , desire . While I'm not just pointing out the flaws to you , I'm also giving you alternatives .

Islam teaches that true authenticity is not just about yielding to your every whim of the nubs , but rather about achieving a balance of what desire you want to practice within the halal bounds and what higher moral directives are aligned , especially which one of your values are aligned with the divine will of Allah swt .

This approach requires a constant vigilance over your own mind , just as it does on my own . It requires a surveillance over the mind's justifications . The human mind is subjective and , as smart as it is , it can easily rationalize lower actions under the pretext of self-alignment .

Again , the key takeaway for you here is to practice and apply this concept to yourself and see where your actions need changing .

But I will warn you once you come to a better understanding of your higher level of authenticity and you start to act from it more and more , you will have a tendency to label other people as acting from lower levels of authenticity , which might or might not be true , but if they are not in a receptive state , your discernment will come off as judgment .

If you do detect that someone is authentic , only through the channels of immediate gratification . If they are not open to this awareness , you will cause more harm than good by telling them about this dynamic of higher authenticity .

In this case , your best option is to lead by example , which is a harder thing to do and it takes longer , but then again we are playing the long game here .

With that , I pray to Allah swt . O Allah , the most merciful , guide me and all of us to be authentic in the best way possible , in line with your guidance and in line with my faith's light . When frustration or anger knock on my heart store , please help me pause , reflect and seek your guidance just once more , for a moment longer .

Grant me the strength to be honest with my emotions , yet responsible in how I respond , aligning my actions , my values , with your teachings alone . Let me see how every soul is pure and whole . Grant me higher and higher levels of value , for authenticity , and grant me strength in the moments when my ego calls and I find it challenging .

Grant all of us , o Allah , to embody a higher level of authenticity , only reflecting the beauty of your guidance , and please allow us to lead by example . Amen , yadabu la'alamin , please keep me in your doors . I will talk to you guys next time .