Are You Using Friends as Crutches?

This podcast is being published around the time of Eid and you guys must have enjoyed or are enjoying with your family , with ongoing celebrations

. Today I want to talk about how your best friends being your girlfriend , is the best experience about being a woman and I'm talking beyond self-help books . Nothing beats a deep , soul-nourishing conversation with a woman that just gets you .

They're the one who hype you up when life is feeling down , or they lovingly drag you out of making a questionable life choice . They're the only people who can decode your vague texts , send you unhinged memes , and they are your real-life emergency contacts , maybe not on official forms , but like real emergencies , like bad hair days that nobody gets .

Whatever is important to you is important to them , while it might appear vain to the rest of the world , but beyond the laughs and the inside jokes , having solid girlfriends is a superpower . They remind you of your worth when you forget it . They're the ones who sit in the mess with you without rushing to clean it up or fix you .

They're either your ride or die forever . And even when the relationship is over , there's no breakup . Talk like we need to figure things out . We need to know where things are going , or having the uncomfortable silences when you haven't talked for a while . There's a certain ongoing communication in an empty space , even if you're not directly communicating with them .

There's a certain ongoing communication in an empty space , even if you're not directly communicating with them . There's a certain understanding about yourself and the relationship . As a Muslim woman , having other women as friends is incredible . They're your cheerleaders , your therapists , your comedy specials all rolled in one .

But the plot twist , which is what this podcast is about , is they can also become

a crutch . It becomes easy to blur the line between support and dependency , between genuine sisterhood and constantly outsourcing your decision-making because you don't trust yourself enough to make them alone own . This podcast is your invite to notice when a tough choice about career , marriage or even what to wear is being brought to the group chat for approval .

If you're slowly starting to lose connection with your own intuition and what it looks like when an empowering sisterhood morphs into an accidental safety net , don't use that safety net above yours . Don't let this sisterhood get in the way at a chance to truly stand on your own and always be on the lookout for the friends that you love the most .

How are they unknowingly reinforcing a dependency cycle If , out of their care , they're always having an opinion as well ? How it might look to you is at first it will feel reassuring . You have people to turn to , people who get it .

But then , when you start noticing you're going to be second-guessing yourself more than ever , you're going to be second-guessing yourself more than you're trusting yourself .

You'll start to notice that before making any choice , you will want to see if someone else can validate them , and you will need at least one or two other people to agree with you before you feel like your decision is legitimate . And slowly , without realizing it , you will start handing over your autonomy in small , tiny , seemingly harmless ways .

The difference is that seeking advice is different from seeking permission . True sisterhood reflects your strength back to you . It does not make you dependent on borrowed confidence . If your friendships leave you feeling like you can't trust anyone , it's not a sisterhood , it's a crutch .

It's just another way that women are taught to play small , stay uncertain and doubt their own brilliance . Your girlfriends should be the ones reminding you what you already know to do or not to do . This is you abusing your friendships as a mirror , reflecting the power back to you that you forgot that you had all along . The unspoken cost of always

seeking validation and advice from others is the slow erosion of your own voice from someone else . Every time you hesitate to trust yourself and instead you look outward for permission , you chip away at your own self-respect , and this is not just about needing reassurance . This becomes about outsourcing your autonomy .

This is when you're allowing other people's opinions to shape your reality more than your own intuition ever can , and the more you depend on other people for answers , the more unfamiliar you become with the sound of your own brilliance .

Decision making becomes more and more of an external process , and , before you know it , your life will become about unfounded fears , doubts and limitations of those that are around you , and the worst part is the people that you're looking to for guidance aren't even the ones who will live with the consequences of your choices . You will be living with them .

This is a quiet betrayal that most women don't realize they're committing against themselves , and it does not always have to be just girlfriends , it could be your spouse , it could be your family member , it could be siblings , it could be colleagues .

When it comes to professional opinions , every time you poll the room for their opinion instead of making a choice based on what you already know . Deep down , you teach yourself that your judgment is not enough , and if you never let yourself be the authority of your life , you will never gain that skill . You will always feel like a guest in it .

The cost of seeking constant validation is not just insecurity . Cost is forfeiting the life you're meant to live . Some of the subconscious lies that we're constantly telling ourselves about our friendships and decision making subconscious lies that we're constantly telling ourselves about our friendships and decision making . It goes

something like if my friends don't agree , it's probably a bad idea . Sometimes your friends are just as scared as you are of big changes . Their disagreement with your decision does not necessarily mean a red flag . What if it's a reflection of their own limitations ? What if it's a reflection of their own limitations ?

These friends , no matter how loving , are still human . They project , they worry . They see your risks through the lens of their own experiences . If they have never taken a leap , you're considering whether it's about moving cities , changing careers or choosing to get yourself out of a toxic relationship .

They might caution you against it , not because it's wrong , but because it makes them uncomfortable . Sometimes the scariest , the most life-changing decisions aren't group decisions . Sometimes the scariest , most life-changing decisions aren't group decisions . You don't need a committee vote to validate what you already know in your gut your destiny is not a democracy .

If your heart is pulled in one direction and the only thing stopping you is but I don't know if my friends will think this is a good idea then maybe you're listening to the wrong people in this scenario . The next unconscious belief that I want to point towards is a strong community means everyone thinks the same way . That's actually not the case .

A strong community means everyone respects that you think differently . This is an unspoken pressure on female friendships the idea that if we're close , we should agree on everything . But sisterhood , along with any other relationship , is not about sameness . It's about respecting everyone's individuality .

If your friendship space cannot hold different perspectives , then it's not a friendship . It's an echo chamber . If you're trying to agree with your friends 100% of the time , or the other way around , are you thinking for yourself or you're just reinforcing what's comfortable for the group .

The strongest community is not built on uniformity , but it's built on an unshakable respect for each other's autonomy . Real friends do not guilt you for thinking differently . They make you feel like they hold space for your individuality , even if , and especially if , it challenges their own beliefs .

The next unspoken belief could be that good friends always tell you what to do , when actually good friends help you see for yourself clearly what you can decide for yourself . Good friends help you see for yourself clearly what you can decide for yourself .

While friendships can be a helpline and I want you to use them as such when you need it , you can call someone and they tell you the correct answer , or they guide you through life problems when your own brain might not be functioning as well . But I invite you to not make your decisions just based on this helpline .

A great friend doesn't just hand you the answer . She helps you see the answer , she asks the hard questions , she reminds you of your own strengths . If you're feeling lonely , that is not a sign that you need more people . It might be a sign that you need more of yourself . You might assume that the empty social calendar

or a quiet night means something's wrong , but real loneliness is not a lack of company . It's being disconnected from yourself . You can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel alone if you don't actually know who you are beyond their reflections .

And you could be alone and in silence and feel completely held and nourished just because you have a very powerful self-image created after you've been listening to your own inner guidance . What if discomfort is not isolation but an invitation for you to reconnect with yourself ?

Because what happens is the less you need approval , the more deeply you connect with the right people . When your choices depend on validation , you will mold yourself to fit expectations of others and this will subtly silence your own opinion , instinct and desires .

It feels safe , but this is a slow erasure of who you are and , paradoxically , counterintuitively , the moment you stop chasing approval , you become magnetic to people who align with you . With you , you no longer attract people who need you to stay small . Self-trust is the foundation of real intimacy in any relationship .

If you don't trust yourself , you cannot trust your connections . Real connections require vulnerability , but vulnerability without self-trust is just insecurity , looking for reassurance . Over and over again , women from very early age are conditioned to play it safe , choosing what's acceptable over what's authentic to them , to them .

And the most dangerous cost of all of this is that every time you overwrite your gut feeling to avoid conflict or to maintain harmony , or just because other people aren't approving , you send yourself a message that their comfort matters more than your own truth .

But this discomfort of not meeting your values does not disappear , it festers , it turns into resentment , it turns into exhaustion and burnout . If you're looking for what is missing and you don't quite see it , something is missing , and that is your voice , the voice that is meant to lead you , not a voice that's meant to be lost in other people's opinions .

Don't infantilize yourself by always being hungry for somebody else to give you answers . Yes , it is very appealing to always want others to give you what the answer is , because that feels safe , that feels after the outcome of that decision you'll have somebody else to blame but yourself .

But what if , after an outcome of a decision , you never blamed anybody , yourself or others ? You made decisions based on whatever information was best available to you and you stay content with that ? What if you take every outcome of a decision as a stage in life to navigate and learn lessons from ? What if there was no such thing as a wrong decision .

That is the principle that I act from .

If I've made a decision , even if I take other people's opinion into account , the decision is always from me and I absolutely refuse to consider it a wrong decision , because I do do believe that Allah SWT does not put anybody in a position that they cannot handle , and that everything from Allah is for a cause and that everything from Allah is for a reason .

So how are you going to start this path ? You're going to start embracing the mess . Normalize being wrong . If you're afraid of making bad decisions , you'll never make great ones . Reframe discomfort as a sign of growth , because alternative is stagnation . Take small risks daily so your brain learns that uncertainty won't break you .

Uncertainty can also build you if you let it .

Ask yourself what would I do if no one else had an opinion on this ? Then listen and if you do feel uncertain , don't run from it . Maybe set a timer for 10 minutes and come back to it . Do not run away from the decision , don't distract yourself . There are no quick fixes . Maybe you have to come back to it after istikhara .

Maybe you pray on it , make dua about it . The right knowledge reveals itself in time . Your only job is to stay open long enough to hear it . Your best girlfriends aren't here to lead the life for you . They're here to reflect back the best parts of you .

They do offer an emotional safety net , but it's not supposed to be an emotional prison where you're trapped in dependency . Supposed to be an emotional prison where you're trapped in dependency . A great friendship is a creative catalyst , making you dream bigger , see beyond what you thought was possible , and it challenges your own limitations .

A great friendship also brings out pure , unfiltered joy . The kind that has no agenda , no expectation , just deep belly laughs over things that might not make any sense . True friendships don't smother you under the weight of expectations . They honor your autonomy . They remind you of your values without enforcing them on you .

They are a soft place to land , but never a place to stay stuck . And if for all of that to happen , you have to let people know that you love advice , but you make the final call , do that . Do it verbally , explicitly , or just think about it and decide on it implicitly around your friendships . Stop explaining your every decision . People will adjust .

Step into the arena and encourage mutual growth , because if you're the only one evolving , that's not a friendship . Choose friends that trust your judgment and you trust theirs , and practice saying I trust myself on this one and continue to love yourself through all of the outcomes . Best friendships are a catalyst to autonomy , not a replacement for it .

If you don't trust yourself , no friendship can save you . If you do trust yourself , no friendship can break you . And among a sea of very good friends and a handful of great friends and even fewer best friends , there is a fine line between support and self-betrayal , and that line is your awareness . With that , I pray to Allah SWT .

Ya Allah , I am grateful for the friendships that uplift , challenge and reflect the best in me . Bless me and all of us with the wisdom to trust myself , the strength to stand firm in my choices and the clarity to seek guidance without losing my voice .

Ya Allah , let my relationships be a source of love , growth , serenity and peace , and may my confidence always be rooted in you alone . Ameen , ya Rabbul Alameen , please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .