Accountability 2.0

In that episode , we talked about where does accountability start , and we identified that repeating self-deprecating thoughts is an action that Allah SWT will hold us accountable for . That is a fascinating episode in itself and go back and listen to it if you haven't already . But today's topic is independent of that .

It has a similar name , so I titled it accountability 2.0 . Today I want to talk about accountability like we most commonly think of it , as today , and the way we think of it today is in terms of an accountability partner , where we want to assign the responsibility of us following through to our actions to somebody else .

A workout partner holds you accountable for working out three times a week . A sister from Halukka holds you responsible for taking daily Tejweed lessons . Your best friend holds you accountable for not spending $300 at Sephora . Again when you said you didn't need anything For my international listeners , sephora is a high-end makeup store .

Speaking of international listeners , alhamdulillah , I have a lot of them . That came as a pleasant surprise . I have listeners in France , maldives , poland , australia , ethiopia and , of course , the Western countries , but it's always good to see how far-reaching the message of this podcast is , alhamdulillah .

So , coming back to the topic , we put accountability outside of us and it becomes a vague , nebulous idea .

And if you're here taking time to listen to this , pay undivided attention , because if you're interested in accountability and you want to learn how to do it right , then you will benefit much more if you pay attention and make it practical , quiet down the distractions and make this learning an active process .

We think of accountability as something we get from somebody else , from outside of us . Big mistake . What we end up doing is we create accountability partners , we create accountability groups . That way , we can follow up on what is it that we actually started to do .

The premise is that we think other people's suggestions , their support or even their judgment keeps us going . It keeps us taking action . But in reality , it is our thoughts that keep us going . It is our thoughts that keep us taking actions . If we say to ourselves if someone followed up with me , it will definitely be easy for me to deliver on my promise .

What we say to ourselves if someone followed up with me , it will definitely be easy for me to deliver on my promise . What we're actually doing is that we're thinking our accountability is now easier If someone holds us responsible for exercising four times a week and we actually do it .

We have created more evidence for ourselves that we did this because we were being held responsible , when in reality it has been your thoughts all along . Your thoughts went from I want to work out for my health and my fitness to I want to work out so that I can tell the other person I did it .

What somebody else says or does to hold you accountable is your circumstance . It does not affect you in any way until you have thoughts about it . So think of CTFAR Circumstances , thoughts , feelings , actions and results . Circumstances are outside of you . The way you generate your result is through your thoughts .

Someone outside of you holding you accountable is your circumstance . Accountability always comes from your thoughts . Depending on what your brain is offering you that day , the outside accountability might or might not work . If I'm holding my business partner accountable so she signs off on her charts on time , she still has the option of not doing it at all .

That's because I am her circumstance If she creates a result of completed charts that came from her own thoughts . When it comes to waking up early , you want a reliable alarm clock , because the track record is that you waking up for Fudger is questionable . You're giving your accountability to the alarm clock , by the way , nothing wrong with that .

I use alarm clocks too , and there are some really annoying alarm clocks out there , I might add . There's the one that flies and then you have to catch it to shut it off , and the one where you have to solve a really complex math problem for it to turn off . My husband did not appreciate that one .

There's also one that's on wheels , so you have to run after it . And then there's the puzzle alarm clock . Sometimes it becomes important for us to rely on these types of methods , but in accountability , your thoughts are always the intermediary . The alarm clock is the circumstance .

Depending on how heavy of a sleeper you are , you will need a proportionately obnoxious alarm clock to wake you up . Also , actions related to false pleasures the ones with high dopamine reward are a no-brainer . They bring immediate pleasure . Very easy to engage in a lot of these activities .

Accountability is important when you are trying to reach your higher purpose goals because it takes grit and dedication . This is where the dopamine reward is delayed , rather than a hit of dopamine like you get from processed carbs or sugars or watching a movie , or immediate gratification of buying something you didn't actually need .

Goals and desires that come from our higher self require high accountability . These actions have the slowest , most delayed dopamine response . In these cases , you will need to rely on your thoughts to continue to manufacture the motivation you need for your actions . You can use an accountability partner , but the intermediary are always your thoughts .

Your accountability partner is your circumstance . She has no control over your results . You are welcome to continue to use her as help , but always keep the power within yourself . Always understand that your thoughts are helping you take the action , not the other person .

So most commonly , the way we end up doing this wrong is when we are completely dependent on the outside person for holding us responsible . What we're essentially doing is that we're holding them in more integrity than we're holding ourselves . We are treating ourselves as a second-class citizen .

We are ignoring what our brain has to say about finishing the paper before going to the party on Saturday . Instead , we are assigning this responsibility to our best friend . We tell her you better text us on Friday to make sure we finish the paper , when in reality your friend and the reminder text from your friend is a neutral circumstance .

They do not cause a result of a finished written paper . Your thoughts do . But what does end up happening in this false notion of accountability is that it tends to create an escape mechanism for you .

In this case , if you didn't follow through to your commitment of finishing the paper , then you can say oh , it was because of her , it was because of my accountability partner . Your brain does not like it when you don't follow through to what you said you will do , so it finds somebody else to blame .

Point here is , if you are using an accountability partner , make sure you are not using them as a scapegoat . The simplest solution to all of this is to be clear about what you will do and then just do it . The brain will throw tantrums . The brain will justify doing everything else , but what you said you will do . Just recognize that .

It is your lower brain . Understand that that's its responsibility . You can even say I understand , brain . You're offering me very tempting choices , but I'm holding myself responsible . I am following through to what I said , is important in my life and this process of self-accountability is rather messy .

You guys , it is not like you listen to this podcast and tomorrow morning you're going to wake up 100% accountable for all your plans . You're going to make mistakes , you're going to do things wrong . There are going to be times where you're not going to follow through to what you said you will do . That does not mean you cannot hold yourself accountable .

It does not mean you're inherently bad at accountability . It just means that you have room to improve . You might have learned something from this mistake and you have ongoing work to do . You can hold your friend responsible to follow up on . If you prayed your five prayers , you can totally use that support , but just know that it is a secondary safety mechanism .

The first safety net is always you . If you said you were going to do five prayers and you didn't follow through , find out what thoughts caused that result . Continue to keep yourself in integrity . Examine what went wrong . What will you do differently next time ? Say I'm learning this process rather than saying I can't be held accountable , I can't trust myself .

When you enroll in my Stop Emotional Eating in 6 Months or Less program , a lot of times I unintentionally become your accountability partner and I don't mind doing that . I love helping you guys create your results of weight loss , but I am not the main source of your accountability , your brain is .

If you don't learn self-accountability , then what do you think happens when you're finished with the program ? I'll tell you what happens . Old patterns will re-emerge and you will have the tendency to blame either me or the program , which again your prerogative , your life . You're allowed to do that , but you're not hurting me .

When you blame me , I mean , believe me , it doesn't affect me one bit , but it does hurt you as a client . I believe what I teach about emotional eating , about how to change your relationship with food , which eventually leads to healthy weight loss .

I believe that program is extremely strong and completely unique and I work side by side with you to strengthen that self-accountability muscle of yours . But your results will always remain yours to generate .

Most of the time , in our accountability models , our thoughts are not generating and that results in a lot of inaction , a whole bunch of inaction as a result of very low vibrational emotional energy . We feel blocked , stagnant , because we're thinking low quality thoughts .

The active learning here is to think high quality thoughts , ones that generate enough emotional energy that can fuel your goals . A lot of times , clients will tell me I need to be held accountable , I need somebody to hold me responsible . Again , there's nothing wrong with that , but don't do it out of proper order .

Again , there's nothing wrong with that , but don't do it out of proper order . Put yourself ahead in order of accountability . If you're able to identify what thought is it that you're thinking that is fueling your inaction , then you can take responsibility for all of your inactions .

So then you can actually change them to something that helps you take action , and you will see that , gaining enough clarity around thoughts and feelings , you will blow your own mind as to how much you actually follow through with your promises . Also , find out what is the accountability feeling in your body . Is it pressure ? Is it excitement ? Is it indifference ?

Is it feeling neutral ? Because each feeling will result in a completely different action and a completely different result . Undue pressure as a fuel for accountability will burn you out quickly . This is why sometimes you feel so energetic to get something done , but that energy quickly fizzles out .

You start organizing your house or your workflow with your team , but three days into the process you're completely out of steam Because the thoughts that generated that steam then are not cutting it now . You will have to change these thoughts time and time again . You will have to be creative with the process .

If one thought gave you enough emotional fuel to take action for a week or two , you might need to adopt a different thought for the next week to generate the same result . There's nothing wrong with that . It's not like you're lying to yourself . You're just thinking what's serving you in that moment . This is quite natural .

The same thoughts that get me out of bed one morning are not the same ones that get me out of bed the next morning . Thoughts that hold me accountable for my five prayers might be different each time . What are the thoughts that create sustainable accountability for you ? They might be different from day to day , and that's okay .

You do not need anyone's permission to believe things that serve you every day . Accountability is always up to you . Make sure , if you're arranging for an accountability partner , you're not looking for a scapegoat . An accountability partner , you're not looking for a scapegoat . The one and only person you need to hold you accountable is you .

That is your higher sage self . If you give this duty to somebody else , just be cognizant that you're not doing this to escape the discomfort of failing and then blaming someone else . Accountability is created by your thoughts . A group , a friend or a program does not create it . Those are all circumstances In my Stop Emotional Eating program .

The instructions that come with it are your circumstance . Some of my clients will feel motivated , some of them will feel excited , some feel pressured or deflated . Some might even feel like it's an obligation and thus feel resentment . Each of these feelings will create a completely different result .

If you have a predominantly victim mentality , your thoughts might be every program I sign up for fails me . If you have a tendency to over-rationalize things , then your thoughts might be this person is not educated enough to teach me .

If you have an overachieving type , then your goals might move further away every time you reach them , never really letting you enjoy the satisfaction that your accountability created . All of these thoughts are coming from what we collectively call the ego , the lower self . All human beings have it To live .

A life void of these deprecating thoughts will make us non-human . I'm not saying it will make us inhuman , but it will make us something other than human species Because , collectively , as human species , we are born with this ego because collectively , as human species , we are born with this ego , this nafs .

That is a part of our design , so we cannot completely kill it off . It is included with what it means to be human , one of our imams from our local mosque , imam Ahmed Derek Pete . He is teaching a phenomenal class called Islamic Worldview and Cognitive Frame . It's a Tarbiyah self-development class and he explained a concept in the Sawwuf called extinction .

So here let me take a couple of minutes to explain what is the Sawwuf and what is extinction . The Sawwuf is a journey from going to Islam , which are the actions we take as Muslims , to Iman , which is the belief system behind these actions , to Ihsan , which is the constant striving for Allah SWT .

The science of the Sawwuk is about your journey of self-improvement . This term got a bad reputation because of a handful of individuals who claimed to be spiritual leaders without knowing the basics of Islam or Iman . And I'm not saying I'm an expert at either of these .

I'm saying , if you have objections to this Sufi concept of the Sawwuf , the reason might be that some people have twisted this concept so that they can use it to take , quote-unquote , a spiritual trip , as our Imam called it . And they do that without having a sound foundation of Islam or Iman .

So , for the reasons of this podcast , if this objection is coming up for you , please continue to investigate this line of thinking and keep an open mind about it . So , going back to the concept in Tasawwuf called extinction .

That refers to the self-improvement journey where a part of your ego that we described dies off and , as a result , you become enhanced as a human being . When you are practicing self-accountability , you have to overcome the obstacles that your ego presents .

You have to become really good at recognizing the language of your ego that keeps you from reaching your goals , that language that keeps presenting obstacles , that keeps you blaming others , that keeps you acting like a victim of your past .

And during this process of developing self-accountability , these parts of your ego will lose their strength and die , because you will not be fueling them with your thoughts anymore . You will be concentrating on better , quality thoughts . This way , you become better as a human , as a Muslim and as a mu'min inshallah .

By engaging in this method of increasing your own accountability , you will develop an extremely respectful relationship with yourself . That is your true integrity . That is true uprightness . Accountability is a strong part of your human nature . Stop looking for it outside of you . Take your own spiritual journey , modify and upgrade your thinking and hold yourself accountable .

You will undergo a part of ego extinction that your life will become unrecognizable . Inshallah , we are doing it all wrong when we are asking for other people to hold us accountable .

On the day of judgment , only you will be questioned , not your workout buddy , not your study group , not your entrepreneurship incubator group , not your teacher , not your spouse , not your halaqa group , not even your alarm clock , even shaitan that presents hyper-rationality , the victimhood , the over-achieving thoughts as your very own thoughts .

Even he will wash his hands off of you . Start holding yourself accountable . It's fine if you make a mistake . It's fine if it falls through . The first time or the second time . Do it horribly , do it wrong , let it be messy , but start doing it and then keep doing it . That's the practice that needs our active attention .

This process will lead to part ego extinction not complete ego extinction , because that is not possible in this world , but part of it at least . And it is my effort , through this podcast and my coaching through Islamic Life Coach School , to help you eliminate as many parts of this ego as possible . Because , while you might not be able to eliminate it completely .

You will get far enough in the process that you birth a completely different version of you , a version that is content and serene . You can use other people's support , no doubt about that , but make sure you're not giving them too much power over your results , because that will trip you up . Listen to this concept and apply it in the upcoming weeks .

Don't just consume information With that . I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , to help it in the upcoming weeks . Don't just consume information With that . I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , to help us in the process of part ego extinction . O Allah , help us eliminate the parts of our nafs that keep us from recognizing your design .

O Allah , help us eliminate beliefs that keep us dependent on other people , dependent on worldly things . Help us see that all we need in this process is your path , revelation of the Qur'an and the sunnah of the Prophet . O Allah , help us act like upright Muslims so we can reach the level of ihsan . Ameen , ya Rabbul Alameen , please keep me in your du'as .

I will talk to you guys next time .