12 Steps to AA

Welcome to the 12 Steps Apologies Anonymous podcast , where we explore the art of apologizing and how it can improve your relationships and well-being . This has nothing to do with the actual AA . I mean , maybe I'm familiar with the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous , but any overlap here is coincidental . I thought the 12 Steps to AA was a catchy title .

So here we are talking about apologies . The inspiration for this podcast came about in a complete opposite way . I actually saw that women around me were apologizing too much . For the most part , muslim women are in extreme people-pleasing modes . So if this podcast generates more ideas of how you need to be apologizing more to people , it is not directed to you .

If majority of your sentences in a day start with I'm sorry , you're apologizing too much , you're actually in a position to dial it down a notch or two . Don't apologize for asking a question or verbalizing your opinion or for disagreeing with someone . Don't apologize if you trip over someone's foot while walking . You're the one who tripped .

You can just say I didn't see your foot there , are you okay ? Don't apologize for bumping in the door . There's no one there . The door doesn't need your apology . If you're apologizing too much , all you're doing is coming across as someone who is unsure about their actions .

And another reason not to apologize constantly is when you over-apologize , it can make the other person feel like they've done something wrong , when that might not actually be the case . If you apologize for tripping over someone's foot when it was an accident , you might be actually creating an awkward situation where there wasn't any .

I always tell you , guys , that you cannot create someone else's emotions , especially of awkwardness , in this situation . Only their thoughts create their emotions . But you can help the situation by not creating an interaction where they have to reply by forgiving you just to keep up with the social decorum .

Having said all of that , apologizing is a crucial skill that can help us repair damaged relationships and restore trust and harmony . But many of us struggle with apologizing either because we feel ashamed or because we don't know how to do it effectively . We apologize way too much or apologize from shame .

Keeping in mind that there is such a thing as apologizing too much , I will leave it to your discretion when you think you actually need to apologize . And for that I have the 12-step guide for you . So in this episode I'll be sharing the 12 steps that can guide us in making sincere and effective apology . Number one take responsibility .

Take responsibility for your actions . I'm not a proponent of guilt-driven action , so this step cannot be done from guilt . Guilt might have been present to show you that you did something wrong and that you need to make amends , but do not take responsibility of your actions from guilt , because extensive guilt causes fight-and-flight pathways to be activated .

Guilt can show you that you want to take responsibility for your actions , but admitting you were wrong should not propagate the guilt . The guilt is why apologies fail , because it doesn't feel good to take actions from guilt . I'm not saying guilt has no value .

It has tremendous value because it shows you that it is important to you to take responsibility for your actions or that you do not value that someone else gets hurt because of you . But that lesson is all . Guilt is created to teach . Clean up the guilt before you take the action of taking responsibility of apologies . How are you going to clean up your guilt ?

How do you clean up any of your emotions , and that's through your thought . All emotions are created from thoughts . If you find yourself apologizing from guilt , just trace back to what thoughts are creating this and simply emphasize thoughts that create more acceptance of yourself , more openness , more grace . Step number two acknowledge .

Acknowledge the other person's feelings and impact of your actions on them . Remember your impact is oftentimes different than your intention . I have a whole podcast on this topic , episode number 94 . Basically , what it means is that the effects of your actions can be different from what we intended or anticipated .

This can happen for a variety of reasons , but the biggest reason that we have to take into account is the perspective of others . It is important to be aware of this potential difference between our intention and impact and to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions , especially when they are different from what you intended . So acknowledge your impact .

You can have the purest of pure intentions , but if it doesn't land the way you wanted , you can politely apologize . Number three express remorse . This step can only be done first with Allah SWT and then with people who have your back . People who cannot accept your vulnerability cannot be involved in this step . This is a very common mistake that people make .

Where you believe that just because somebody is in a close relationship with you , they will be able to handle your vulnerability . But that is not the case . Don't put your husband or your best friend or your cousin in a position of having to accept your vulnerability , of the expressed remorse , if they are not ready to do so .

It is important to understand other people's limits and not to expect them to be ready or willing to handle your vulnerability if they are not prepared to do so . Instead , seek out supportive and understanding individuals who are willing and able to provide the emotional support and guidance you need .

So usually how you might be doing it is that you feel remorseful and you want to express remorse , but you want your loved ones to support you through this , but be mindful that their own cups might be empty . They don't have what it takes to have your back . They actually can't support you . This expectation of support strains relationships .

The expression of remorse , first and foremost , has to go through Allah Azza waawjal , through repetition of astaghfar , while being mindful of what your astaghfar is for you genuinely express remorse , say abundant astaghfar and consider it accepted . Then it has to go through yourself , you have to process it and you have to support it within you .

It is ultimately up to you to not judge yourself for that remorse you it is ultimately up to you to not judge yourself for that remorse . After that is done , then maybe , just maybe , seek external guidance and support , maybe from professionals , maybe from people in your life that can hold the weight of your emotions .

Use skillful discretion when approaching somebody to help you support through your remorse . Not everyone has the capacity to hold you and it's not against them . It's your responsibility as an adult to find a person fit to provide you that support that you're looking for .

If you do end up sharing your remorse and vulnerability with somebody that could not reciprocate it , then just move on . Don't hold it against them .

Step number four make amends . Success of this step cannot be measured by what the other person did or didn't do . Making amends is entirely and strictly up to you Changing little steps , tweaking your actions and your intentions here and there , until the outcome and the impact is exactly what you desire .

If you are successful in making amends , it will be reflected in your thoughts , feelings and actions . Making amends is an important part of the apology process , as it involves taking concrete steps to repair the damage you will be more aware of the impact of your actions on others and more mindful of your behavior and choices .

This will help you rebuild trust in relationships . How do you know ? If you have successfully made amends ? Your future actions will reflect it . That is the only measurable outcome you need to be looking for to gauge your success .

The person you are asking for forgiveness from cannot provide you the proof of your amends , because they might not be capable of doing so . That does not mean your actions of making amends are fruitless . It just means that they have their own work to do .

Their ability or inability to accept your apology and your amends says nothing about if your process of apology was successful or not . To measure your success of your apology process , all you have to do is measure what your future actions look like . Step number five ask for forgiveness Again . Three ways .

You will be doing this step internally , externally and with Allah SWT . Forgive yourself first . You are human . You will make mistakes . Self-forgiveness might be the toughest step for some of you , but absolutely needs to be done .

Some people believe that by constantly blaming yourself , you'll be able to avoid repeating the same mistake again , but this is a thinking error , as constant blame only leads to more blame and can have negative effects on other areas of your life .

It is actually more important to forgive yourself and step out of the guilt in order to be able to self-correct and avoid repeating the same mistake in the future . Blaming yourself constantly does not lead to positive change or growth and can actually hinder your ability to move forward and improve .

Besides asking for forgiveness internally , ask for forgiveness externally from the person you intend to apologize to . The only outcome here you need to measure again is if you're sincere enough in your apology or not . You cannot measure your success by them forgiving you . That might or might not happen . Again , they are on their own journey .

Most people fail at this step because they're waiting for the other party to verbalize or show in some manner that they're forgiven . This is not in your control . Move on if that reassurance doesn't come .

Also , use your discretion in this step , because it is entirely possible that you're not ready to ask for forgiveness from this person , in which case , do not do it prematurely . You might want to work on cleaning up your thoughts and your discomfort about the situation first . Until then , you can ask for forgiveness in your head , but keep up with the work .

Then , lastly , but most importantly , ask for forgiveness from Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , because I mean what else really matters ? Again , the outcome to measure is how pure your intentions were in asking for this forgiveness With Allah . We don't wait for signs that we've been forgiven .

Some scholars say if your intentions are pure , you come to asking for forgiveness from Allah with a clean heart , clean energy , a peaceful , and you ask for forgiveness and you improve your actions , moving forward , consider yourself forgiven . After that , then it actually becomes a sin to constantly worry about if Allah has forgiven you or not .

I feel like this step alone could be a podcast in itself , but the asking of forgiveness part is itself a skill . Step number six listen to the other person's perspective and try to understand their point of view . Active listening is super important . If you don't empathize , understand their point of view Active listening is super important .

If you don't empathize with their point of view , your apology will not come out sincere . If you're getting ready to answer them before they're done speaking , your apology will not be sincere . Do not be thinking of answers and a comeback in a conversation if you're apologizing Actively , listen to their point of view .

Step number seven accept any consequences for your actions and be willing to make changes to avoid making the same mistake in the future . Accepting any consequences is important because it shows you're taking responsibility . This means being willing to face whatever is in your path and not trying to avoid or minimize the effect .

This involves seeking help or guidance , changing habits or routines or making other necessary adjustments . This active participation also demonstrates your commitment to personal growth and positive change . Step number eight be sincere in your apology and avoid making excuses or blaming others for your actions .

It is almost reflexive to want to blame what the other person did or didn't do . Making excuses or blaming others for your actions can undermine your apology and make it appear insincere . Step out of blame if you want your apology to be honest and truthful . It does not mean that you have to stop blaming the other party and start blaming yourself .

It just means that there has to be no blame Not on them , not on you . Step number nine make it look like you put some effort in it . Try not to make it generic or impersonal . Apologize in person , if possible , or through a private or personal communication Something that sparks connection rather than a hurried , half-baked attempt .

Creating connection with a person you want to apologize to will push you to do higher level of mind management work , and that is the gift here you will become a better person in the process . Step number 10 . Avoid repeating the same mistake , and you do that by thought work .

Prepare yourself for scenarios that you predict will provoke a reflexive action that you might later regret . Rehearse ahead of time for those scenarios in your head and come up with alternative responses for yourself Literally role play in your head . If he does this instead of doing this , I will do that .

Or if she says that , instead of answering back , I will take the higher road . Or I will answer back , but respectfully . It is so fascinating that you can literally change the outcome of your actions by changing the energy behind it and rehearsing it ahead of time .

You can take the same action from love and respect or hate and anger , and it will have a completely different effect on people . And this method of mental rehearsal is extensively scientifically proven .

If you run yourself through different possibilities of how an interaction can go , your brain is more likely to pick a response you planned ahead of time rather than reverting to in-the-moment default thinking . Step number 11 . Hold yourself in high regard through this process .

This step will need frequent revisiting because the tendency will be to slip back into self-blame or blaming the other party . Practice holding yourself with high regard and grace . Give yourself ample room for self-forgiveness . Always have your back in the process . No need for self-judgment . Be kind and compassionate towards yourself and practice that over and over again .

Step number 12 . Reflect on the situation only with a positive mindset . No need for constantly spinning in thoughts about the negativity of the situation . That will make it feel like you're really serious about your apology , but all you're doing is burning mental and emotional energy and spinning your own wheels . You will feel busy and stressed .

That can be misconstrued by your body and mind as a sincerity of apology . There is absolutely no need for sulking . Sulking and pouting only results in more distancing from your goal of a sincere apology and it makes the process unnecessarily painful . Painful does not mean more effective . You do not have to suffer in pain to apologize effectively .

You just have to follow these 12 steps .

The more painful you make this process , the more it will lead to resentment and bitterness and you will lose all the healing that the process of apology is supposed to bring , not to mention it will make it less likely that you will apologize next time you need to , because your brain will remember how painful that process of apology was and it will want to skip

the whole deal . So these were the 12 steps . Ideally , you can identify where you actually need to apologize and then utilize these steps , but only when you actually need to apologize , and that I will leave to your discretion , keeping in mind that there is such a thing as over apologizing . Over apologizing can make a person seem weak and submissive .

Some people apologize so much that it comes out of their mouth as a morning greeting like I'm sorry , can you pass me some coffee creamer ? Why are you sorry about that ? There's absolutely no need to apologize to me for passing you the coffee creamer . But as human beings we can also improve from our mistakes that we will inevitably make .

But you have to place apologies appropriately for that process to be beneficial

. So the 12 steps of Apologies Anonymous have been take responsibility , acknowledge , express remorse , make amends , ask for forgiveness , listen actively , accept consequences , be sincere , put effort , avoid repeating the same mistake , hold yourself in high regard and reflect on the situation . With that , I pray to Allah to make us more of the people of Astaghfar .

May Allah make us the people of Dhikr , constant remembrance of Allah . I pray that he helps us become conscious of where we need to apologize and make our intentions sincere in the process . May Allah SWT reward us all in the process of apology where it is correctly due and make us the people of Jannah and reward us for engaging in this process .

May your process of apology be accepted as an act of Ibadah that it is . Please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .