¶ Intro / Opening
After a decade of gathering women together for prayer, we're inspired to bring her words of encouragement to you. This is iris
fresh.
I refresh where we empower ordinary women to do extraordinary things for the power of prayer and encouragement. And I have with me a long time friend from the days of college named Patty Gerstenberger. So welcome. Thank you so much. It's an honor. I promise not to bring up too many stories and we could totally do a whole session on storytelling because she is, uh, quite a jokester. So, but I think what I'm going to do, I'm going to turn it around on her and allow us to do a little bit.
We do the icebreaker Q and a. So just random questions. We'll see how we do here. All right. Are you one who prefers to watch Hulu or Netflix? All right. Don't judge me. Okay. We don't really watch TV. Oh, that's probably a good idea. All right. What Emoji best describes you today? I'm a big sunshine. I love it. What's your favorite dessert? He's telling me you do dessert. Dessert. I love making it. Oh, chips and salsa. I'd have chips and salsa and that's right.
Okay, so your favorite snack would be chips, chips and salsa. All right. All right. What's your favorite kind of music? Worship. All right. Do you have a nickname? Mm. No. Or you don't want to give it away? There we go. Okay. Um, Patricia if I'm in trouble. Oh, okay. And that, would that be from your husband or my mother next door. Yeah. Okay. Do you text or prefer facetime. Facetime. Okay. All right. All right.
Well that's just a few little fun things, but I always think it's kinda fun to do random little questions just to get, it helps me to be a little bit more at ease. But anyways, one of the things I've enjoyed and learning about patty over the years has some of the, she's been in town, moved away, come back and watching her life. Actually, I was very, actually, when I moved back into town, I got to be at a, in a Bible study that she and a dear friend will. We've had Kerry Kittinger we're running.
And I felt like a proud mother of, since they were in my dorm at college and watching them thrive in their place where they were leading, um, a wonder. It's actually quite a few different Bible studies. I enjoy that. But now patty has been taken on Sim, different roles in our life, which as a mother of three boys and their names are Carlin, Peter and Brady. So, and, okay. So now are we an empty nester? No. Okay. Two and a half years.
Not that we're counting, not excited about it at all now, but um, one of the things I thought was great and watching even with social media as you were transitioning that you started to do life coaching. Can you tell me a little bit about
¶ Defining Life Coaching vs Counseling
life? What does that
mean as far as life coaching versus, um, counseling? Sure. Uh, so how I got started in life coaching is I had considered going back to get my master's in counseling. And just to be honest, school was not my thing. I struggled. School's a very hard for me. So going back to school and even with my season with the family, it was not, it just did not have peace. And I had a friend who asked me if I'd interested be interested in becoming a life coach.
Uh, and the more that I learned about it, the more I learned. Um, coaching is a little bit more, um, as compared to counseling is when you're coming for healing. Okay. Uh, or as a friend said, uh, you're going from negative 10 to kind of zero where you're wanting to be back to where and who you are. And Life coaching really is when you have a goal and you're just needing someone to help you with the goal or the transition or even with a relationship.
And that's what a life coach does is just partner with you for you to achieve your goal the way that you want to, not the way that the life coach does that makes sense. Because I know it's like the trendy word, but sometimes I'm like, I thought I knew what it was, but it helps to Kinda bring clarity on. Um, and we're huge believers in counseling. Honestly, we feel like counseling is like an oil change is not.
If you get it, it's, you should get it often and it's just something that, um, will help center you and keep you hold that. Life coaching is really when you're have your eyes set on something and for whatever reason, whether it's yourself or your season or you know, so many things that life throws at us that you're just not able to achieve it and enough time has passed that you think, you know what? I need some help to get there. Well tell me, so you chose life.
Tell me a little bit of the background, like what led you and your journey into becoming a life coach. So when Roger and I moved back from Minneapolis, uh, we had talked about me going back to school, but as I had alluded to, I just did not have a piece about going back to school and having three boys and we had just moved across the country. Again, it just did not have peace about it.
But I had a friend who was starting the process and said, I really, really think that this, this has your name all over it. And honestly, I was not in the season where I thought that we could, I could add one more thing to my plate, but as a, I looked at it and she had started the school with, uh, Christian coaching school online and I love the fact that it was interactive. So I visited the class online a couple times and it just absolutely let me up. It was interactive.
It wasn't just like going to school and maybe filling out questions. And so, you know, Roger and I prayed about it and we were in a season where Roger is an amazing husband and would give me whatever I asked for. But we were not in a season where, uh, we had the resources to put me through school with everything that we had going on and I just didn't have the heart to ask him to for something that I knew that we did not have.
So I prayed about it and much to my shock, I received a check in the mail for the entire amount. Wow. And I don't get checks in the mail. It was a complete shock and surprise. And then when I realize all that I had prayed for, I thought, oh no, here we go. God answers prayers. Yes. What a miracle.
But I think you know, when you think about it, when we do ask out of, and then he actually answers us, you know, it's like when he answers you like, oh, we're shocked that he, he does provide an answer one way or the other. And even something that I had in my heart, you know, which even as a mom you think, well, is that my desire? Is that something that you know I can really do for other people?
So even praying and processing through that, he definitely made it clear that I was to go to school, which began a year and a half journey of schooling and enjoying learning how to be a life coach. Because you said you didn't relate in schooling was not something you really cared for. But yet this was like, it hit a core for you. It was really something that you gravitated to. It did because this particular school, which is a wonderful school, was very interactive.
So it wasn't just like I had school and I had homework. I had interactive homework with other students and our teachers throughout the entire week. So that lasted for 18 months with the business launch part of it. And really I felt really prepared me well for becoming a life coach. That's great. Okay. When you been working with different individuals, I'm assuming, did you have like a certain group of people you felt led to do it or like your journey?
You've probably talked to all ranges of people, men and women. Do you find that there's a common thread or a more common factor of people that are dealing with certain issues? I think that when, um, the different people have come through,
¶ Greatest Struggles People Have: Self Care
one of the core struggles has been self care. Whether it's, you know, I've seen every one from 16 year old boy to a woman in her sixties, and everybody in between that self care was something that, uh, they were not meaning to ignore, but because of their season or everything else that they had going on that they just really weren't paying attention to or we're not aware of it. Wow. What'd you describe to me? What you think like um, self care if, what's that?
Me, cause I think, I, I when we were talking earlier, I was thinking about self help, but it's, is that an alternatives? It's the same thing or what define what self care is. Self care is really having a healthy relationship with yourself. And sometimes we even feel selfish. We're thinking about ourselves. There's a great quote by Abraham Lincoln, um, when he give me six hours to cut down a tree and I'll spend the first four sharpening my ax.
Wow. So if you think of yourself as the ax, you know, even being able to ask ourselves in our CSM, are we, um, are we feeling worn down? Are we feeling sharp because we give out so much as women. Right. And for us to give out and not have the capacity to do that really, you know, not only the people who are around us, you know it's at their expense. It's really at our own expense.
So when you don't have self care in your life, that is when you are not present to yourself or you're not even aware of your own needs, pretending that you don't care. But the reality is at some point you started not being honest with yourself and even what you needed.
You know, when you describe it that way. I think for me when I'm like, I feel like if I'm idle, like I'm wanting to rest because I know I'm lacking the sleep or in mental rest I feel guilty. Like for me to sit down, I almost feel like not even if I don't feel guilty, I felt like my family members like what is wrong with mom because I'm being idle. Like what would you, how would you help me? Like how do you process that to be okay? Like it's okay to be at rest. And what do you tell family members
and that is a, that is a communication because even you being idle and you having a perspective for yourself, you know, I'd be interested in asking your family what they see. Okay. Cause sometimes when we even ask those around us what they see, they see something completely different. You know, would they see you being idle or lazy? Right. You know, which those two, you know a lot of people put those two words together or would they see you at more being rest and more peaceful?
Because a lot of times when we feel like we have the need to do something that makes other people feel like they can't rest and they need to be busy, that's good. If we're all busy, how do you connect?
That's true. They just know, I know that you know, I was like what is it? The slogan, if Mama ain't happy, no one's happy. And I'm like I don't like that slogan personally. And yet the value of each of one of us having that license to be able to, to have that self care. I think that that's Pri, I dunno, I'm thinking that's like definitely a struggle of feeling like taking care of yourself.
I think as I've gotten older though, some things I know I need to do, um, for the benefit of my family if I'm not in better shape because I know that I've, I made myself a workout with my son, with his trainer and I'm like, I took, I took his spot when he was out of out on a missions trip and then when he came back I lost it. I'm like, so then when he was gone again, like this time I'm going to work out with you. I hope you are fine with that. And was he surprised?
Surprisingly it was, but I thought he was like, I'm not working out with her. But you know what I did for me though too, it was great because it allowed me to feel like taking care of my body and making myself feel better because I knew I needed it. I just never made
¶ Value of Connecting with Others
the time for it. And you were able to connect with your son? Oh yeah. I feel like
times as moms or women that we have these assumptions and it ends up bringing more on ourselves where if we invited other people into the conversation and even ask them for their perspective, that gives us a lot different uh, perspective as well as more clarity because really we all want connection. But if we're doing our own thing and not paying attention to our own selves, we're still an island. That's good.
Is that, is that the most common thing really is we don't stop to see what other, each of us are really our viewpoints. I think self assessment is a key component and that's something that when I have a client, we do something called a wheel of life and basically it's a self assessment tool and how you think you're doing. Okay. If I'm your good friend. Okay. And how I think you're doing, if you think totally different, who's right.
Okay. So really this is a self assessment tool for you to even see you where you're doing well. Would you be able to celebrate that, but also the areas that you want to work on. And when you start seeing your own life from a bird's eye perspective, it gives you, um, the vision for what you want and then you work on how you want to get there.
And it jumps from a place, a place in our lives when we find, okay, if I eat better, oh my goodness, I actually had the energy to exercise and if I exercise better, I actually get better sleep. So it's these different things that by taking care of ourselves and really it's about having a conversation with our families have not just, I'm going to do this and this is important to me, but I really, this is important me. Would you help me find this in my day?
And when we open ourselves up, our families are more than that. Like they want you to take care of yourself. I like that perspective
where you're allowing the family to help you support the self care. I mean, do you find that as you're maybe coaching one person, you're actually, you're coaching maybe multiple people while you're doing the one.
Oh, especially the family. Okay. Because you're giving them tools, you know, anything I have I want to give out and I want you to share it. So if you're able to get to your, to get to a place where you feel more confident about verbalizing what you need, okay. Then you're also inviting your kids, what do you need, Tim, in this season?
Okay. So for him to give you, you know, what he's going to say might be different than even what you see and really asking the questions and invite Tim instead of telling. Okay. That's a lot different. I think that's one of the biggest breakthroughs for me personally with coaching has been learning the art of asking questions and how that invites, instead of me telling, you know, when I have unsolicited opinions, that's criticism. True. And nobody wants to be around me when I'm critical.
Well, I think it's a natural ability for any one of us. We want to shut down and, and pull back from
people. Giving opinions. Right. Because it means that you're not accepting me. All of a sudden I'm insecure. I feel like you're judging me or you're being critical in me. And really your thought was we were just trying to be helpful. That's different than me asking you, could you help me in this area or I really need to exercise better. What are you doing that's different than you telling me that I need to work?
Got More. What a great dialogue. I mean that like, that would change every part of our, our personalities with one another in our family dynamics. Probably even good friends. Let's change. Oh, it has, I mean, you're asking the questions instead of are giving off opinions. No, it's been, it's been beautiful. And my closer friends, we have learned how when we're, when we see each other's struggling. Yeah. You know, right now, um, we're in a season where we're heading
and caretake my mother in law who's struggling with dementia and my girlfriends will text me and just say, what do you need? Wow. You know, they could probably think of a lot of things they could do, but really they're asking me what I need.
¶ Validation from Friends through Questions
And when somebody does that, you feel the validation of being seen. And honestly I, I really don't need anything except them to care for me and for me to be seen in my own season.
So I, when I think that that's, I, I like the idea when you're sane to be seen because I think sometimes you hear people feel like people don't reach out to him, the person, because they don't know what to say and they think they're going to get the same response. Like, I don't need anything. But the fact that they're validating you ever reach now to you is still really important. Right.
And so even though you may not know what to do or offer, to me, it sounds like what you're saying, it's still important for you to have them connect with you and ask the questions. Because sometimes people are going through a season where we really don't know how to respond. You know when somebody has cancer or
you know, there's just lots of different things that I'm sure you know your family and friends have gone through and for me to assume I know what you need. No thanks.
You know, and that's a good point though. Even if, if someone's gone through cancer, I think that's still the idea of asking the questions because everybody's journey in going through everything is going to be different. So to me it sounds like a really a key question. A thing is, is questions that I can take away from Patty's talking about is the idea of always asking and not just giving your opinions or your assumptions. Well, I can relate to that.
I'm like, but you didn't even ask the questions and not asking a was almost,
you already think you already know the answer. That doesn't work either. I remember I have a friend who went through cancer, a mutual friend, and I can remember she was on my heart. So I just texted her. It was a Sunday morning, just, you know, I'm thinking about you, is there anything you need? And her response was, I would love some grilled chicken.
Wow. And I thought, okay, like, you know, I mean I, I don't know what I was expecting, but I asked and you know, I probably was thinking, well, maybe she's going to send me some prayer requests or, you know, not walking a close friend through breast cancer. I didn't know why she needed, and I didn't, I was still learning how that whole process was. So I, you know, I got off the phone until Roger and he said, well, you know, it was a Sunday morning when you're getting ready for church.
He said, I'm going to light up the grill. Why don't you go get, you know, a ginormous pack of, you know, I went to the store and picked up a or pack of chicken and we grilled it and dropped it off. And that's how we spent Sunday morning together. And it was beautiful. Like it was, it was very funny because we thought, how beautiful that we can actually, you know, that we could undergird you, but not the way that I thought.
But I really wanted to connect with her in a way that she needed, not that I needed. So it's always an adventure. I'd like that because you know that. And the other side though, when you asked her that question, I, if I was on her shoes, I would be afraid to even say, but I liked that she like said such a random thing.
And I don't know if you, how would you, how do you help people transition to be able to be willing to be authentic and like if you really did need something, it seems odd that, how would you get somebody like myself? Like I would never ask. I mean I, I just, I think I grew up that way. You're, you need to be self sufficient and take care of yourself.
And even, you know, this is a conversation that I've had both with my mom and my mother in law and it was considered rude to tell somebody what you needed. Right? But that's not how I want to live. And really it's finding
¶ Value of Authenticity
a likeminded community where you can trust your heart with them, that you really could share where you were at without them telling you. Right. So if our relationships are all built on, you know, just position, or if I only think our relationship is because what you need from me, that's not authenticity. And, and you know, the Bible talks about when we sharpen, when iron sharpens each other. So that goes both ways. But I don't want you just to tell me what, what you need.
I really want you to ask me what I need without assuming or telling me what I need. Wow. So it is, it's just been a beautiful dance of having a close community where you can truly be. Because really I think it's about being honest. Oh yeah. No, just hard. Well, right, but not just being honest with your spouse or your family or girlfriends. It's also about being honest with yourself.
And sometimes, you know, when I'm with my clients, sometimes what they need is just permission to say I need space. And that doesn't have to be a three week vacation. It could be, I just need 30 minutes where nobody will knock on the door or y'all my name or you know. So just really finding, creating that space where you can be honest with yourself and connect with your day and, and you don't really with where you're at. It's not something that I think you check in, you know, every year.
I think it's a daily because it changes. Yes. You know, and honestly I had to personality where I would eat oatmeal every day. I, you know, I love order, I love things set in place, but that's not life. Right. And I want to be in the kind of friend that somebody can text me and say, I would like some grilled chicken. That's great. What would you like to tell our audience to?
Just some things that you think would be a good takeaway and even like how they can even get in touch with you and, and go on that journey because you've got some really valuable things I think would really change the atmosphere and the relationships amongst dear friends, our spouses, children. What could you highlight that you would want to share with them? I think one of the things that I can offer as a coach is just the tools for you to reach goals that you're not able to on your own.
And honestly, I'm the first one to say that there's things that I really have in my heart but I can't reach it by myself. So as a coach, whether it's a transition with a job, whether it's relationship that uh, that's what a coach can do is just help you achieve the goal that you have. And really it's also about getting to know yourself better and giving you tools for you to be in life. Giving relationships, not just with yourself but also with others.
That's wonderful. So if you would like to get in touch with patty, she has a website, it's crosspoint coaching.com and we'll also show it to as petty Gerstenberger. You follow her on Facebook and on her Instagram and she's got both a her personal account and then also the point coaching. I think it's a great opportunity and you're saying, well, I may not be from her area. You know, there's no limitation with technology.
And the great thing is that she can connect with you, whether you're from the Tulsa area or somewhere in the, in the state country, whatever it is, is connecting because I really believe that connecting the dots and asking the questions to have more authentic, genuine relationships where the preconceptions, it's pretty typical, which causes a lot of unnecessary divisions.
Um, I think she's really highlight some really great things that we can use great tools for you to be able to move forward in your life with healthy, good quality friendships and relationships. So I'm so grateful, Patty, for you coming today. I thank you. I think it's a village. I just think it's going to be great. So please get in touch with patty and we hope to hear from you as well.
So follow us on Facebook and make sure we hear from you about, maybe it's their stories or things that you want us to celebrate with you and how you've been overcoming and walking through maybe even some examples that patty is not shared with you until then, go change your world.
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