Hey, there're folks in this episode. The greatest success story in Bachelor Nation history and possibly the history of reality dating show, Trista and Ryan Sudden. They're here to help us, help you, and with that, welcome to this special edition of Amy and TJ, where we are going to highlight love stories for you and Rodes. We've talked a lot about this being break up season, the uncuffing season, and well that's just depressing.
It is because it's also it could also be the season of love. Yes, I know that it seemed like everybody was breaking up in recent months, and that is true. We had what Megan Fox, Machine Gun, Kelly on again, off again, so we Kravitz and Channing Tatum. How could we forget Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez finalizing their divorce that you thought was never going to happen, still holding out hope for a reconciliation.
I am I'm not joking. I really am hoping that Ben and Jane get back together.
I know that would make your twenty twenty Oh my gosh. And Matt James and Rachel Kirconnell. Well I'm voting on that one too as well. I am hoping for a reconciliation. I just am they got to need a beat. Yeah, it's gonna.
Take a little while.
Jessica Alba Cash Warren after sixteen years together Jessica Simpson and her husband of ten years, Eric Johnson, but they were together forever before that as well.
So we're seeing all of that, and we did. We actually did another episode on a different a different podcast that was called Uncuffing Season. We were asking, like, what in the world is going on? I guess it makes a lot of sense when you stop and think about it. Why this is Uncuffing Season?
What is it?
December eleventh was the day that's the official breakup day, well unofficial, I should say, but people pointed to that as a breakup day because that's when somebody did whatever study that said that that's the day that people most change their Facebook status right from in a relationship.
To single because they don't want to bring that other person or deal with them during the holidays. It's enough already.
That makes sense to get out of having to deal with family. That sounds silly, but it makes.
Sense, I agree, or other people's family. That way, you don't have to include the in laws or the potential in laws. In your plans and.
Then you have gift stress. They say that you don't want to have to buy gifts for your person you're with. And everybody is in a turning a new leaf mood. You're in a mood to make a bold move in your life and.
Out with the old, in with the news.
And I want to go through all this. I just went through a whole year with this bozo.
Don't want another year.
So it makes sense why this would be the season people would break up. But it also makes sense there's a season roads that people are getting together. It's a very popular season for getting together.
Oh, I mean just for body warmth, Alan, I'll take it. I mean it's cold out there, right, you want to couple up, snuggle up? I get it. And Dating Sunday, by the way, is the thing. It's the biggest dating app day of the year. It happens right after New Year's It's the day the dating websites and the app see the most activity in sign ups because people are looking for love.
Yeah. So, I mean I feel bad we focus so much on people breaking up. But yes, this is the time that I think most people, even if you went through a breakup or a difficult time. There is a season of hope and renewal and newness, and that's scary. I mean it sounds fun and exciting that most of the time we talk to people about dating and relationships, we're single and it's not positive.
No, And we love watching We've talked about this before, but we are obsessed with relationship shows because you get to see where people make mistakes, where people their egos get in the way of what could have been otherwise a beautiful relationship. And so we're all looking for help. I'm taking notes, I'm looking at what not to do, relationship advice. I'll take anything i can get because we all want the end goal of finding our soulmate, finding the love of our life.
And we're not joking there as we are recording this, we kid you not. The te television right now is on pause and we're looking at Pastor cal We're looking at We're not joking, really looking at his face, greeting one of the people who just got married. So of marriage proposals actually take place. We talk about uncuffing season,
but this is a season of love. Between Thanksgiving and Valentine Valentine's Day, forty percent of marriage proposals do take place, So a lot of people are going through that right now.
So no matter what stage of your relationship you're in, even if you're completely single, you're dating after a couple of months, you're newly wet, whatever, everybody is looking for some type of advice we could all use a little So we thought grows we give folks a little help, some advice, not from us, but from a variety of couples. A number of questions that we ask the same list of relate We ask them all the exact same list of questions.
Yeah, so in this month of February, which I think is a month of love, we are going to give you all a couple a day. So we've asked couples up leading up until Valentine's Day all the same list of relationship questions. Questions like who said I love you first? Did your relationship have the support of family and friends? How often do you have sex? How often do you fight?
Do you go to bed angry? You know, we always hear relationship experts say, whatever you do, don't go to bed angry, But we asked couples if they have done that. We even asked them have they threatened to break up during an argument.
Have you not with you? Don't make idle threats. Don't make idle threats. So we asked all these questions, but twenty to thirty questions we got in with them. But it was a diverse bunch that we have here. We talked to an interracial couple has a thirty year age gap between the two. We got a couple of celebrating was eleven years of marriage, but she was married when they first met. Curious to hear about that. We got an actress and country singer married to her pro soccer habi.
Then we got a mixed orientation couple you're gonna hear from. This is going to be one that's going to get you buzzing and talking. When we say mixed rientation, what do we mean.
So it's a gay man who has married a straight woman and they are in a sexual a monogamous relationship. And it is fascinating to see how love takes so many different forms, and actually so many of the couples we interviewed DJ just so happened, did not plan this that way where the woman is older than the man. And these are all successful, not just based on how many years they've been together, but just happy couples, and
that's what we were focused on. We wanted to interview happy couples, joyful couples.
And so we're going to drop a new episode, like Rope says, every day leading up to Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day Up, First, we have Trista and Ryan Sutter. Trista, of course, is the OG of dating reality show. She was the first ever bachelorette that was back in two thousand and three, and she is she and Ryan. I guess Robes, I don't think you could find a bigger success story when it comes to reality dating shows than those two, and certainly not back.
Yeah, and you know I watched this season of Trista and Ryan from start to finish, so I have been invested, as so many of you are, in their relationship and we are so happy to report. Look, they have been through the ups and downs. They've been in the ups and downs in a very public way, but they haven't talked that much about the details in their relationship. So without further ado, we're so excited to bring you Trista and Ryan. Welcome. How are y'all doing good?
Thank you, We're good. How are you, guys?
We're doing great and we're so happy to hear from you and to see you all. I mean, you are one of the big success stories from the Bachelor franchise. It doesn't mean that your marriage or your relationship is perfect, but you're still here and that's something too applied.
Right.
Yes, we're good, we're happy. You know, we just celebrated twenty one years and who would have thought through a reality show. You know.
Well, we've all been rooting for you from afar and we want to know a little bit more about your relationship. So I'll launch into the first one. You guys, hopefully can each answer this. Give us three words to describe your relationship right now.
Trista ooh, oh my gosh. Solid. I would say scheduled, just because we're really busy and lasting.
I like that.
All right, Ryan, how about you?
I'm going with best it's been.
Ah No, that's done. That's well done. Next question though, and some people might remember this. I was trying to remember the season. But was their immediate chemistry when you first met?
Oh? Yeah, I would say for me, there definitely was. I think Christa it was different because she obviously couldn't just throw herself at one person. She could have, but she didn't.
She was playing by the rules. She was playing by the rule.
Yeah, I think so right away. I think, you know, right as I first got out of the limousine and saw her and spoke with her briefly, I think from that very instant I knew that there was something there, or could potentially be something there. So yeah, I think I think it was pretty immediate with me anyway, me.
Too, Yeah, I mean, he's a good looking, tall drink of water, and he got out of the limo and didn't even say his name. He was I was like, what's your name again? And called me ravishing, So you know, when a guy calls you ravishing, your first moments.
It's done. I don't think I've ever used the term prior to or since. I don't know where it came from.
But yeah, that is very cool.
All right.
It's a little interesting because, of course, you guys recording on television while Trista was also dating I don't even know how many other men. But I'll still ask our next question, who made the first move?
Uh?
I would say it was me because I had written Trista a poem prior to even going on the show, because you know that you're going to be competition. Seems like the wrong word, but it's competition, And so you
wanted to do something to stand out. And so I had written her a quick poem based on a little bit of information I knew about her through the news basically, so and I gave her that poem on the first night, just so that she would be able there would be something that might make me stand out a little bit, so that I can at least get on make it through the first night.
Twest to that sound about right? That was the first move.
Yeah, And then and then he wrote me another poem when we went on our one on one to see world And and then he wrote me like little notes like under the table kind of you know that I could read while the cameras weren't filming, and like those just little moments really like stood out to me.
Next question, I don't know if this took place on the show. Who said I love you first?
Well me for sure, Oh, he definitely did.
In actually in the little letter that he wrote me, he handed me a note when we were just getting back from our one on one, right, or just leaving for our one on one and no, it was in Veil. It was in Veil on his like hometown. And he handed me a note in the car and I read it and he had told me that he left me in the.
Letter and she did not see it.
She said thank you, thank you so much.
So she did not say it back.
You know, how long Ryan before you got the I love you too?
Not till the very end, and she was pretty adamant. I guess based on her prior experience on the other show. She has lots of excuses, but she was pretty adamant about not telling me until the very end, despite the fact that I would. We had moments where there was no one else around and I would be like, you know, hey, there's no one else around.
Like you could just you can tell me.
I mean, you're not going to be spilling the beans. But she wouldn't do it, so I had to wait till the till the last moment.
Didn't you tell he's harboring something?
He's still not over it. It's funny. Our next question is l for both of you all because I was. We asked how long before you got engaged? While you were dating? We saw it was on television. So you got engaged at the end of the Bachelorette. But how long were you engaged before you actually got married?
A year?
Not even a year?
Well, no, we got engaged in November, and then we got married in December.
Oh truely, we got engaged in real life in November, but this show didn't air until February, So as far as the world was concerned, we were engaged for Yeah, however long that was. But but yeah, a little less than a year. I think we were officially engaged.
No, a little more than a year, a little more than He's really good at math usually.
But this is great. See, this is an experienced couple. They know each other well and it's coming through this next question. We kind of on in some of the earlier answers you gave. But still, if your believers in there being a one out there for each of you, did you all know or how long did it take before you came around to the idea that you had found the one in each other?
I mean, I when we went to Seattle on our like fantasy suite weekend or you know date, That's when I knew that I was thinking I was thinking more about him than I was the other guys during the whole fantasy suite thing, like, even with the other guys, I was thinking about him so and yes, I said, we went to Seattle for our fantasy, not to Bora, Bora or Australia or.
Seattle.
Anyway, that's when I thought, And that was probably a month in. But I think if you're the lead of the show, you have to believe unless you have other intentions. But if you're there for the right reasons, then you have to believe that there is the one out there. You know, that's why you're That's why you're doing it, That's why I was doing it.
How about you, Ryan?
I think there's two phases, Like I thought that she was the one during the show, but do you you come to realize that the show is is such a microcosm and you're so focused on each other that it's hard not to think that you're almost driven in that direction. And then the show ends and we had to be separated for somewhere around three months. You'll have to ask her exactly how long. I don't know, apparently can't keep back of time. But there's there's this separation that you have,
like real life comes back into play. She's the bachelorette and so everyone she's doing all sorts of fun things, going to Super Bowl parties, and I'm back at work at the firehouse. Like so at that point, all we could do is talk on the phone and have a
few little meetings. And I think at that point is when I really realized, Okay, she's despite she's the fact that she's become really famous and doing all these really fun things and getting to hang out with like Bradley Cooper and all sorts of people who I would I
would easily leave me for, and she's not. So I think at that point I thought, you know, because you're for so long you're competing for her heart, but you don't ever feel like she's has to do anything to compete for you, Like she's just sort of taking in and all of these different proposals from all these different
people and choosing one at the end. And then you're left with this like, well, I wonder, you know, like if she really like she didn't have to sell herself to me, really, I just had to sell myself to her.
And then through that process of her and how she dealt with the ramifications of the show, and then when we were able to get together, how well she protected I'm not good at this type of stuff, and so she did a great job of protecting me from it, shielded me from a lot of the things that I didn't want to have to deal to deal with, or a lot of the places I didn't want to have
to go. And so I just she it became obvious that she was really on my side and that she chose me, she chose me for a reason, and that she didn't really have to sell herself to me at that point. And so this is a really long winded answer to your question, but I think that's that's kind of when I knew is is when real life came in and she was still there.
I love that.
Now.
Is there an age difference between the two of.
You and she's way older?
How much I'm not way older? Two years?
Okay? Two years? What did that have any impact at all on your relationship? Do you think did it make you think any differently about being two years older than your guy?
No, he's mature enough.
Okay, we knew you weren't way older when he made a joke about you being way older.
You can make that joke, because he likes to make jokes all the time. Like, she's fine, four and a half, four and a half exactly.
She was in college. I was still in junior high school. It's just the truth of the matter is what he does. It's fine. This is about justin Ryan. Next question here now, of course, just so, you went on the show because you wanted to get married, and Ryan, you were on the show because you were looking for a relationship and
to get married. But why that step? And I guess I'm asking it's different, difficult because of how you all met, But how would your relationship be different if you had gotten together and been dating but not taking that extra step of getting married. Why it was marriage so important?
I mean, I think that it's just your way to show your commitment. You know, in my mind, I'm pretty traditional when it comes to that kind of stuff, and that's how I always That's what I grew up thinking. You know, I wanted to find a man, get engaged, get married, have babies, you know, probably in that order, and that's what happened, thankfully. But yeah, I feel like it's just a way to tell the world that you are committing to each other. For forever.
Yeah, And I mean I think Trista was thirty on the show. I was twenty eight on the show. And so you're at that point where you're both of us had lived quite a bit of life, and we sort of had been through relationships and we knew what we were looking for and what we weren't. Again, the show like really condenses things, so really you get swept up
in it. I think normally you wouldn't ask someone to marry you after six weeks or whatever it was and a handful of dates, but but it really is this intense time and all you're focused on is that one person, so you just you get sort of, I don't know,
brainwashed a little bit. And then once we got engaged, I mean, obviously you can lots of people call that off, but like I said, after that point, when we really got to know each other, it became clear to both of us that we didn't want to waste any time with it. We may as well just get officially married and move on as quickly as possible.
He actually has said that if they had had somebody there to marry us that day, like he would have gotten married when we got engaged instead, because he didn't need the whole, you know, hullabaloo of our wedding. I thought it was amazing. It was my lifetime dream, so he let me have it. But he very well could have gotten married that day. You know.
Plus I hate I hate saying it, so as quick as I could get past this is my fiance. That was my wife's way back, just that fiance middle ground I couldn't stand.
And we're trying to graduate out of boyfriend and go forrid Yeah, we're like, how old are we?
How do I have a boyfriend when I'm fifty one? You know, that's ridiculous.
Yeah, I understand.
Did you have? Was your relationship supported by your friends and your family, especially because of the unconventional way you all met.
Yeah, but there were a couple of my friends, like we actually went to New York to tell our friends that they were going to be in our wedding party. And there were definitely a couple friends who I think and they might have been nudged a little bit by producers, but I think they were a little hesitant just because we had only known each other for six weeks and there were other guys involved, and you know, it was
a reality show. And no one had ever created a successful relationship to that point out of a dating reality show. So yeah, I did have a couple of friends that were a little hesitant, but in the end, everyone was super supportive and still continues to be to this day.
Thing for you, I think I think my mom. My mom is very traditional, both my parents are very traditional. I think they just celebrated their fifty seven wedding anniversary something looked like really long, and she, I think had an issue with not having ever met my fiance and now all of a sudden, I had a fiance, you know. Like I think it was that part of it, Like
she she would have liked. I mean she she did meet her on the show as part of the like the hometown thing, but it wasn't like she never really got to know her and she never really had to sit down with her and figure out who this woman was that I was now getting married to. And it
was a circus around all of it. So I think my mom would have rather had an opportunity to slow things down a little bit and just remove all that ancillary stuff that was going on around us and really just get to know us as a couple prior to I mean she really probably didn't get to know us as a couple until after we were and we're married and now we have a great relationship. It's just for her. I think that was really tough and she was probably
the one person that she didn't not support us. But I think you would have rather seen it go a different.
Way any mom. That makes sense, right? You see as a baby get buried, and that's not the way she would want it to go down. But good to hear things are going well in that area now. But how many you'll said twenty one years of marriage now, but go back for me, both of you describe your first year of marriage. How would you describe it?
Oh, a whirlwind? I mean.
That was.
The wedding. I think twenty six million people watched the wedding, so it was it was a crazy time, like just crazy time. And we had lots of fun opportunities that we tried to take advantage of. But it was a whirlwind. It wasn't like a normal you know relationship had we met not on the show.
I mean, yeah, we went through so many, so many great experiences and so many frustrating experiences. We were involved in everything from lawsuits to like like celebrations, Like it was all over the map. We were traveling constantly. And that's kind of what I mean about when I really knew that she was the right one, because she she was just so good at handling all of it and so good at helping me deal with all of it because it stresses all that stuff sort of stresses me out.
And so at the very end, result of that first year was I think, at just a much tighter bond and a much more confidence in who we were as individuals and how we could support each other, you know, throughout the next twenty years at that point. But we
had a ton of fun. We had to do so many fun things, you know, we were we were on the cover of magazines all of a sudden, and then that that alone just makes your life different and so to have to deal to, you know, like I think, I think for you guys, there are a lot of people who who want to be in television or movies,
like they kind of work towards that. For us, it was like one day I'm just going to work, and the next day I'm in the grocery store and there there's my wife and ire on on in the grocery store Aslan. It was a really big difference between those two things. And so that first year was a whole lot of that. And they tell you on the show before you go on the show, like, hey, you can expect I forget what it is a couple of months.
They're like, hey, probably me a couple of months there where your life's going to be a little different and you know, just you know, just weather the storm and you'll be fine. And it was not a couple of moms. It was a long time and so but it was great. Like I said that, it was all great, Well, it wasn't all great, but the end of result was all great. We came through it all and we survived and so and here we are twenty one years later. But I
think that first year really was. It really gave us the foundation to survive a lot of other things that came up throughout the next twenty years.
I love that it either would have it made you or it would have broken you, and it made you, And I think that's really cool. Now, the next question I'm going to say, we ask, we're asking everyone, how would you describe your sex life now versus then?
Even now versus then well, I mean twenty one years later, Yeah, and two teenagers who are who walk in your room, you know, looking for Q tips or whatever. You know, without having it is a bit more.
It's less spontaneous.
Yes, what's the what's the opposite of spontaneous?
Scheduled?
But I feel like, I mean, I'm the male side of the relationship, so I always am like trying to get a little bit more out of that end of things. But I don't feel like I can complain. I think that I think that we do a really good job, and honestly, I think that's a part of why we've lasted so long as we've We've maintained that part of
our life despite having kids or everything else. And sometimes the kids part makes it more fun, like you have to be a little bit more creative with things or quick or whatever, and so there are advantages to that. But I feel like I really, I really push that into things. And so so if it were if we're for me, I'm not sure it would be as good as it is now.
Yeah, I'm not involved at all, nobody.
It's good to feel wanted, isn't it. It sounds like you said we are Yeah, Well.
How important that sex is one thing, but just as a matter of physical touch, when you're sitting next to each other and so and specifically walking down the street, do you hold hands? How important is that stuff and how much does it play a role in your relationship?
We do, unless we're walking our dog because he's a little much to handle sometimes. So yes, when we're laying on the couch watching the show, we're either right next to each other or holding hands or our legs are pretzeled together. Yeah, I mean I love physical touch. I love a BackRub, you know, I could take more of that all day. So and and we're not like PDA, I don't feel like but we're we're you know, we'll definitely touch out in public and not worry about it, you know, holding hands.
Yeah, I love being close to my wife and in a non sexual way. It's it's great. I think. I think like most couples, we have different sorts of temperatures we sleep at. So it's hard. When we were little, when we're little, when we were.
That's good, that's good.
Years ago, like you would be like you would spoon and sleep and stuff, and we don't do that now because she gets way too hot and so I'll try to sneak like a foot over and put my foot under her foot or something.
Stay away. I cannot have anybody anywhere near me. It's menopause time.
Yeah, so there's none of those like high school sleeping on the couch, So we have to figure out other ways to to express that. But I think we do it a pretty good job.
We're laughing because you just described us. How often do you all fight?
I mean, we've got a healthy fighting relationship. I would say, I don't know, not that often. Maybe like once every month or two months or three months, I don't know, something like that.
I think we disagree on things, yeah, a lot. We have different philosophies on different things. But I usually just have to to lose and then we move on.
Oh that's interesting. I'm glad are you recording this?
Eventually, if the disagreement's ever going to end, I just have to be like, all.
Right, fine, Well is that not accurate?
Like there have been times that we've gotten in bigger, bigger arguments.
Oh yeah, for the years, but not like big blowout ones. I mean years between, Like when we have big blowout ones.
You know, we don't harbor, we don't like hold grudges, and so when something is bothering someone, it usually gets brought to the surface pretty quickly and then resolved. And it doesn't always get resolved and like hug it out, we're good. It gets resolved in Okay, fine, I'm going to take the dog for a walk and you go to your office and then eventually everything calms back down
and we're fine. But yeah, dealing with conflict and disagreement is a challenge for sure, and I think we we've had those challenges certainly, but we get through and we want to be an example to our kids of not perfection of hey, you're you're not always going to agree with each other, but you're that the disagreements that we have have never ever affected the love that we have.
So you may have a disagreement in the moment, but your overall love for each other, as long as that stays high, you're going to come out the other end of the disagreement usually just fine. But and so we've never had an issue with that. We've never lost love for each other. We've just not agreed sometimes.
And I think humor has a lot to deal with it. Obviously. We love to laugh and joke around, and I feel like once we've kind of stewed for a minute and you know, been upset, had our time, then we start joking around with each other, and I feel like that humor has allowed us to get over ourselves or get over the situation or whatever's happening, and kind of come back together.
This is kind of freaky, isn't it. You all are describing so much of oh, really exactly what. I love that and humor is a big part of it. You got to be able to laugh as much as life throws at you, especially when you got kids and things and families of balance. Man, laughter is a big deal if you all the mind when you do fight, though, do you all like variety or do you find yourselves fighting about the same damn thing all the time?
I mean, yeah, we'll find about the same thing, But I feel like there are different things. I mean, as your kids get older, just different scenarios, you know, play out in your life. And I think that there are there are themes, certainly, but I think there's also some some variety.
It just depends.
It depends on the moment and the menopause, Like where the menopause is sitting in the cycle, and whether or not he's gotten sleep, and whether or not he's gotten sex, and whether or not he's gotten food.
And Yeah, generally I'm pretty agreeable with those three things that once that's taken care of, I'll agree to just about anyway.
Again, you're recording this, I'm gonna I'm gonna.
I think disagreements on everything from we have the usual things like like parents in law and money and those sorts of things and and children, and then we have like we just had a disagreement the other day on neuterating our dog. Like I personally would love for the poor little fellow to be able to keep him him self intact because I'm a guy. I'm like, I don't
I don't know, Like he seems fine, poor guys. I don't hate to do that to any living but he's, uh, he's a rescue and apparently we signed an agreement that you can't keep him that way. So I'm going to lose that.
He literally was doing training. He was doing save the balls training.
I think we've been doing Coda and Coda is the dog, and I've been doing save my nuts training. Yeah, I was like, if I can make him super well, behaved, then no one can have an argument about he's too like, he's too testosteronefilled. So and he's been doing a great job. The poor guy has been doing a great job. He's going to try to save it. And if they're not going to be able to save.
It, wait, have you started online campaign hashtag save my nuts? That's out there.
That's not a bad idea.
Man, You know dog lovers will come to them of course.
Yeah, well, we signed a contract, so I don't know if we're getting out of that.
But sorry, Oh I love it.
I think that's hysterical.
I'm gonna do a two part one on this one. Do you remember the last time you said I'm sorry to one another? And do you guys and have you guys gone to bed angry?
Oh? Yes, number two, we have definitely gotten to bed angry. I think that actually, you know, I feel like it's something that everyone says the best advice that you can give when you're giving advice to somebody who's newly married or whatever is never go to bed angry. And I'm like, I totally disagree with that. I feel like sometimes you just have to go to bed angry and and think about it and sleep on it and then wake up in the morning and talk it through, or maybe not,
or maybe wait another day. Like however long it takes you to get to the place where you feel like you're calm and able to have a sane conversation, then do it. So the second one, for sure, we have gone to bed angry. I don't like it because I like to talk things through, like right when they're happening. But sometimes just it doesn't happen. Like he goes to bed early. I go to bed pretty late, depending on like the kids' schedules, whatever, And sometimes it just doesn't
happen in time. You know, you just don't have Logistically, it just can't happen. So don't to anyone listening, don't ever get hung up on that go to bed angry. You'll wake up, it'll be a new day and hopefully you can talk it through.
I agree with that.
Yeah, I would say we rarely go to bed angry.
Right, that's true. I'm not angry angry.
There are times when we go to bed and we haven't resolved the disagreement. Yeah, but like when like fuming angry, no one can sleep, and so at that point I have to get something, otherwise you're just going to lay there. You eventually are now tired and angry, which if thing works, that's not gonna be Like that doesn't happen often. I think, like, well, the last time we said sorry, I feel like I say sorry a lot a lot.
Of mistakes, really sorry a lot.
Didn't we just work through something? We did?
Just sorry, like two days ago. Yes, there was there was some frustration happening, and we definitely said's not too long ago, so you know, And actually that's one the biggest question that we get asked, and you probably have it on your list, is what is the secret? And I don't think it's a secret. Like one of the things is forgiving the little the little things that happen in your life, like if you're in a bad mood and you say something that's hurtful or what and you
don't even realize that you say something that's hurtful. Like actually, just saying I'm sorry can work wonders in a relationship. So I think saying sorry should happen more frequently, you know, for healthy relationships. Why are you like laughing? He's like he's like smirking or getting ready to break out.
Oh, it's true. No, I'm not. I'm not.
He's like, we're not getting in a fight over this podcast.
It is like the power of those words. Like there have been times when when Trista is so mad at me, so mad, and I don't really know. Sometimes I don't know exactly why. I kind of think I know why, but I don't know exactly why. And if I just say I'm sorry, like and mean it, it's like over and I'll be like, I can't believe all I had to do was just say I'm sorry and all of this like this like tension in our house is suddenly like, oh,
it's gone. I'm like, this is an It's an amazingly powerful thing if you can do it with you know, and actually mean it. So that's a lesson I've definitely learned and some and sometimes I'm I can really like I can really mean it without sort of even inside myself, I'm like, okay, like I still think I'm right, but
I'm sorry. And then and then it's gone. I still like I get what to walk away and like complain to myself about feeling like I was still rough right, but at least the tension in the house is gone. That's powerful.
You have got all the secrets to a very happy and healthy merits. I'd love to And to your point, there was a lot of thing. I got it from my pastor. He would always say, it's not what people say. The most painful words are the words that what people don't say, and i'm sorry is among them. That it's most hurtful to not hear that. Then most of the things that come out of people's mouth. Do I say I'm sorry?
You do, yes, But you just say I'm sorry, you don't. I kind of sometimes want to know why you're sorry.
Oh God, it's never never not.
Same, same amy, same, same.
Okay, thank you, because I feel like you're just saying it for the exact reasons why Ryan just explained.
Okay, well Ryan, Ryan, send me the play by play of how to actually deliver me I'm sorry. So that's effective. What would you say next question here? What would you say? I'll start with you, Ryan. You love most about your wife and has that changed over time?
No? I think she's just a giver. She has a motherly quality about her even when we didn't have kids, and I alluded to it earlier. She just wants to take care of you. She wants to protect you, almost to a fault. Sometimes with our kids, I have I feel like I have to be the one to say you got you. Gotta let them go a little bit and and find their own way and make their own mistakes.
And she just is so good and it's just come so naturally for her to be just a caregiver of all kinds, like of her mom, of my mom, of me, of our kids, a dog, like whatever. She's always involved in the kids' activities, and she just she just loves, as you know, as much as it sometimes stresses her out. She just loves being the person to organize things and take care of things and make sure things are going
well and make sure that everybody's doing okay. And I've always I've loved that when when the focus was on me, and I love it now that the focus is on our kids. She's just really good at being a mom to people who are or even her kids.
And just what would you say your favorite thing about him? And has it changed?
I would say probably his humor. I love laughter. I love being able to have fun together. I mean, what is life if you're not laughing and having fun? You know? I mean obviously you're going to have days that you just don't want to laugh, and that hasn't changed. He's always had the gift of being able to make me laugh and make me smile, and I love that.
I want to know, and I think this is a cause for a lot of relationship issues. How do you all handle finances, household chores, the parenting, all the things that like just weigh you down in life. Couples tend to fight about do you have shared accounts? Do you have separate accounts? Can you explain a little bit how you figured out how to on your household and have that enhance your marriage instead of divided.
I think we've kind of gone with where our strengths are. I think I initially started out managing our finances and trist is just meticulous, and so she sort of took over the balancing of the checkbooks and then that sort of stuff.
He doesn't believe in that.
I'm a little bit less particulous when it comes to that part of things, but I am super meticulous about like my truck is always clean, and I don't I don't like like in my profession, like at the firehouse, like the dishwasher is always emptied in the morning, and we do. We clean the bathrooms every day, and we like everything is clean, the truck is clean, like everything. And so I've sort of gravitated towards the cooking and cleaning side of the house, and she's gravitated towards the
taxes and check book side of the house. I see, Yeah, that just kind of happens sort of naturally.
Although I will say, like when the kids were young or little, they I was doing the cooking mainly for all of us. You know, when he's gone, he's gone for twenty four hour shifts or he used to be gone for forty eight hour shifts sometimes, So I was handling that and I remember specifically one day I was just over it. I was like, I can't cook anymore and I was in such a bad mood. And he came in and it was one of those moments where he was like, how can I help, Like what's going on?
And I said, do you remember when we first met and I told you that I was not born with the cooking gene. Well that still stands today, and I just hate it. It puts me in the worst mood to have to figure out what we're going to eat and buy all the groceries and then no one likes it or whatever, you know, the pressure and just getting it done because I'm trying to do everything and I just can't. And from that day forward, he kind of took over cooking, like at least dinner, you know, lunches
and breakfast everyone can do on their own. But that was a huge, huge help. So I think he said it best. And we have figured out over the years what our strengths are and just kind of each person has taken whatever we feel we can do best at. We do have joint accounts, and that gets a little hard because like Christmas shopping, I get like the credit card notifications when there's a purchase being made, you know, and like he feels like he can't do anything.
Like every time I order something out of the ordinary, I get a phone call, Hey did you order? What was this? I'm like, yeah, God, like you can't buy any gifts. It's difficult, but yeah, and I'd say, and I'd say. The last thing would be parenting, and we've that's one of the areas where we sometimes have different philosophies, and we've had to agree to not make any permanent decisions until we've talked to each other about it, because we tend to make like all tend to make a
different decision than she would have. And if we don't talk about it, then I don't really I'm not on the same page, and it's hard to it's hard to parent effectively when you're not on the same page. So that has been one area that's taken some practice, but the other two kind of like just organically happened. Well.
I think the parenting one, you know, I think with
any healthy relationship, you have to respect each other. And he, you know, has said to me, like, hey, what's going on, Like, I you know, I'm with the kids more just because I'm like Max is driving on his own now, but I'm shuttling Blakeslee places and so, you know, I just have more one on one FaceTime with them, So I kind of am more in tune on what's going on with them and if I have to make a decision about something in their life, if I've made it without
his input. At times he's been like, hey, like what am I chopliver? You know, like I want to be part of this decision too. So I feel like over the years we've had those moments, and we've had to learn that, Like I need to bring the parenting decisions to him too, because I'm not a single parent, thankfully, and we're a part we're a partnership, were a team, so we need to do it together.
All right, Next one here, and we're going to try to blaze through these last year. We got so many left. But the first one here. Have you ever been to couple's therapy?
No? No therapy, I haven't done counts.
Like, all right, what's the closest you've ever come to break up? Or have you ever come close to breaking up at any point?
If it has been close, it's been just a breaking up with me, probably like years and years ago. But yeah, I think I went through like a little bit of a rough period of just trying to figure out kind of where I was in life. And I think that was difficult on her. And I don't, like I said, I don't think there's ever been a time where our
our love for each other has wavered. But at that point I feel like I was not I was I was a little more selfish than she wanted to have someone be if she was going to spend the rest of her life with them, and so that those are probably our hardest conversations and really like I just had to wake up and grow up a little bit, and
and I now I feel like I did. I mean, we're still here, but that's probably the closest and I don't know that we were close that close, but definitely I think there were some thoughts of like, is this her end? Is this who I want to be with for ever? And thank god she decided it was. But yeah, that's I mean, that's what I let's.
Say, all right, anyone listening to a couple that's been together for twenty one years, a young couple, or even somebody who's single right now who wants a marriage to last that long, what would you all tell them? You absolutely need to consider or even ask yourself before you decide that that's the person you want to marry.
I so I got great advice when I was the bachelorette. I can't remember who was from. And then I actually gave this advice to Gary, who was the first Golden Bachelor, and that is is choose someone that you can't live without, not someone that you can live with, but someone you can't live without. And you know, unfortunately Gary and Teresa didn't last that long after that advice had been taken.
But I feel like for us, that was definitely something that played into my decision because I didn't want to live without Ryan. I felt like my life would not be as happy without him, So that would be one. And then you know, like like I said, the little forgivenesses forgiving each other. You need to communicate, you need to respect each other, you need you need to laugh together. If they're not a good kisser, take them to the curb. Those are some of the things.
Yeah, I have a hard time answering that question, I think just because I think there's always a little bit of a leap of faith there. You can't you It's very difficult to know everything about someone prior to going in, and I think that's part of the fun. The fun of the whole thing is is learning along the way.
So I think I would I would just recommend before anyone goes into a relationship to just keep keep their mind open to the things that that there will be, just to know there will be things that you didn't know, and there will be challenges that you didn't foresee, and there will be opportunities and off and disappointments and things like that. Life will Life is still going to happen, Like you're not going to get married and life suddenly
becomes like rainbows and roses. It's you're still going to have to deal with life even though you're married, and just now you have somebody to help you with that. And and that's what has been successful for us is we've helped each other, I think through those peaks and
valleys of marriage. But I would I would never discourage anyone, you know, Like it's kind of funny around the firehouse, Like you're always joking about like the young guys who now think they're you know, they're getting engaged and stuff, and everybody's like, oh, don't do that, Like it's you know, but everybody really knows that that's one of the best things you can do is to formulate that lasting bond
and that that type of relationship. And and so I just think, if you're ready, you know it, and and just do it, you know, like that kind of like we did, like we knew we were ready, and so I waste time. Let's just do it and get on with it and and enjoy our lives together.
How would they have done on Married at First Sight?
I think, really good, we've gotten really into you know, I know that or The Bachelorette where the beginnings of all of these dating shows, but we're so into them now like the relationship shows. Married at First Sight. Have you all watched that we're obsessed.
On your chest. I haven't watched. I've watched. I watched the first season. I think of love is Blind. We haven't watched anything else.
I would say thank you for it's you have been I so I watched your season all those years ago, and I it was great because there was hope and the fact that you all are still together. And it's not that you're just still together. You're together and you're happy. You're not perfect, but you're happy and and that is so inspirational. So thank you both for sharing your story,
your love, all the ups and downs. I think this is going to make a lot of people feel inspired that love, true love actually does exist and marriage can be a good thing.
Yes, agreed, it can be a good thing. I think it's just about your your perspective, your attitude, your effort, all of those things. So thanks so much for having us.
It was.
We got a lot out of this too as a couple really hashtag SA saving ups.
Thank you, guys,