Okay, we are back on I Do Part two and I've got my amazing husband, Alan Russell with me here, so let's dive back into some burning questions. Was there any point leading up to the wedding did you have cold feet?
No? Zero, No, even though we had a tough week leaning not.
To the wedding, it was not uneasy start.
No, there was no part of me knew that. There was no part of me doesn't want to get married to you.
Never And for those listening, it was listen. It was one of those things where we had all the babies were sick days before the wedding. Yeah, no sleep we were in scott I mean, but it was no, I couldn't sleep and insomnia the first time ever experiencing something. Yeah it was, Yeah, but it was a beautiful day. The wedding ended up being beautiful. I was so tired to have any cold feet, But no, I had. I
had zero. I just feet, Its just tired feet. No, it was, But I mean, I but I did in previous That's the thing, and that's what I'm like, you know, would want people to know, is I knew I've only walked down the you know, of the divorces. I only walked down the aisle twice. In each one, I had that feeling of, oh god, oh really, I'm making the
wrong decision. Absolutely, the you know, absolutely the first one, you know, it was just the only weak marriage was I mean, I cried about it in the bathroom at the wedding, like I made a mistake. And then the second one was you know again you know, ended up being my longest marriage. But yeah, I walked down going, I don't trust this the second one, Mike, because he cheated when we were dating, so I already had I didn't trust it, and so but I wanted to believe
in something, and I wanted to believe a version. So I walked down to a version that wasn't real. And with us, it was like I knew who I was walking down to, Like you gave me zero thoughts the opposite way, right, Like I knew who you were, what you were, what you were about. And so, you know, to anyone redoing their part two, it's like, I think that comes with wisdom and to listen to your gut knowing. And I gotta imagine, I mean, I don't know, if maybe you didn't feel that way, you know with your
previous I don't know if people have that. I have no idea, but I knew, so.
Yeah, zero cold feet my own BIB.
Thanks Ben.
When it comes to how you both approach life, what's the biggest difference.
I think the biggest difference between you and I and how we approach life is you approach it with more like You're very internal processor and I'm external processor. So I want to talk it out. I want to be like, all right, what do we doing? How are we doing this? Let's just plan this and like let's and it's like you are you get really serious, really like in your head and I can't facilitate or help when it's like the internal processing and that's difficult for an external processor being like.
Ah yeah, I think of it like there was something that happened this mornment and I'm the calendar stuff.
Oh yeah. And part of so Alan, this is one of my husband's. This is one of my biggest pet peeves in one of I think Alan's weakest things is like I done it in the weakest get how do you say that? Then like it's you're you're not you know, it's not a strength. So like when it comes to a calendar. I put everything on the calendar that is important that I have to do that day. Alan won't put things on the calendar, so I have no clue.
So when I'm scheduling, because I do all the scheduling, I'll schedule the nanny and the it's not that I.
Don't put them on. I'm just not as consistent as you are.
You don't always put them on, so like you don't have any stuff on for tomorrow or the next day, so I don't know what's happening. And then I'm scheduling, it's like, okay, you have to leave, but I have the nanny leaving at this time. And if I don't know this, so this morning I'm like, hey, this is so frustrating. Like I need to know what's happening so I can plan my life, baby's life.
Yeah, I expect you to know what I'm thinking and what I'm doing.
Well, that is that's it's crazy, like and that's why.
And like I said, since I mate, you have become better at using the calendar on the phone, but I expect you to know what's going on in my world, and it's.
Not I should. I need to be better at that.
So the biggest difference is you're really structured than externalize and vocalize the things you need done. Was I'm a bit more less organized when it comes to the structure, but also I don't vocalize that enough. So you need to talk less. Now talk more. It's basically what I'm saying. Yeah, and I think my fingers busier with the calendar.
Okay, noted? Since getting married, what's been the biggest obstacle we faced? Did you get through the obstacle or is it still something you deal with?
Probably the Chicago thing.
I mean, I think it was one of them.
Yeah, it's been a couple.
I think when it was so working around job obstacles where his coaching job takes them having to move. I can't move because I've got kids here in another co parenting situation. I think it becomes an obstacle of all right, we'll shoot you know what do we do here? This is what you love to do. You love to coach, This coaching career is ten eleven months away from the family. I can't move. It becomes an obstacle, not became an obstacle.
That was we got through and we're now getting through to a point where I've pivoted and found solutions in other ways which are good solutions. Or many things been with family and still being able to be flexible, not being bogged down at club seven days a week. So it was an obstacle that we again we go through that. There's been other other obstacles and things that have come up that we've got through.
I think communication has been an obstacle, but we have we have a couple of therapist that helps. It's like to work on the communication now so that it doesn't become a catastrophe in the end. Right, Like if we continuously don't communicate well for years to come, well that's why at seven years everyone's like exploding, I'm out. So I think that's where it's work on the communication on the front end, where when you see the problems arise, so that way you can be on the same page
to want to keep fighting for it. But I think when couples don't work on the communication in the beginning, then when they have so many years in, they're like I'm just I'm over it. And there's so many things that probably fights that have happened or things that have just added so much turmoil into the relationship. Then it makes it harder to walk through and make it better.
More resentment, right, So we do that. A lot of people have their opinion on a couple stuff. We do it so that our foundation is stronger.
Yeah. Now we're not walking in at war, and I think that's the thing where what I love about therapy is you can walk in at peace to not have a war. But when you walk in with war, you have like a mountain of resentment to work through. What counts as cheating to you is liking women's men's pictures you don't know on social media?
Cheating it's thats respectful note of all the Yeah, it's a lack of respect. Is it cheating? I think it's a form of cheating. Really, I think it's a gatewight is cheating?
Okay, wake time out? Can we.
No? No?
No, can we just time out? I need to have boundaries on this for one second. Is it people we know or don't know?
Well, the questions is okay, you.
Don't know, Okay, So yeah, I just want to make sure that's very clear because I'm like, shoot, I hearts people's that I know that I like, follow or whatever. Okay, So that you don't know on social media cheating. I think it's a boundary very crossed. Do I think it's cheating. I don't think that's cheating. I think it could be a boundary if but we've never really talked about that, Like I think that I find it disrespectful.
Percent If I'm like in a woman's picture on social media that I don't know and you don't know, that's crossing the boundary and that's disrespectful.
On that topic, I do want to talk about this because this bothers me, and this is something when I was dating guys, one of the very first things that I would do is I would go to their follow and see the type of women they're following on Instagram. Yeah, that showed me a lot. And if it was the
certain types of women, I'm not trying. I'm like, I'm really not trying to like sound because I'm not like they're all they're beautiful, They're stunning, they're you know, like, yes, the most amazing butts ever, and I think there's a certain how do I say this, I don't want it to sound like I'm hating on women, because I, in no way, shape or form is that at all. But if a man is only following these, this is gonna sound so bad because I'm like not trying to make
it out. I don't know if that's the type of guy that I would want to be with, because I've I've dated face face types of guys that have followed and it's not ended. Well, does that make me sound bad? But like if that would have been your follow list, I would have been so turned off? But like, how is that okay for me to say that?
Though?
When like, those women are beautiful and it's not it's but you're not.
You're not. Everyone knows what you mean. You don't need to say it. Everyone knows what you mean.
But there's nothing wrong with those type of women at all.
No, not at all. But you don't want to be with a guy that likes that type of women. That's fair enough. Yeah, that's your opinion, that's what you'll need us, so therefore that's fine.
But I would say, I guess if we're in a relationship and you're still following a bunch of women like that, I would have a I would have an issue with that, Like I couldn't believe, Like I sometimes when I look at guys that I'm like, okay, I know their relationship. I'm like, how are they still following all these girls
like that? And that girlfriend's okay? Like I would not be okay if I know that that's what your home screen looks like when you're on when when we're together in a relationship and your home scream looks like an only fans page, I would have a really I would. I would struggle with that, and not because I'm insecure, but because I don't want my my man looking at
one of my man looking at that. It's like absolutely, yeah, I think it respect on a grid because like right, like would you want my page to be like all these like musclely dudes with their shirt off, like as those are the guys that I follow, And then like when I go to my homepage, it's all like like my homepage is like narcissist abuse, trauma stuff, quotes, kids stuff and like funny relationship things because we always yeah, means like.
I think we're pretty I think we are pretty good and aligned on a lot of things like this, Like.
If I'm out in our little sanctuary area and you see me on Instagram scrolling and I'm looking at like dudes in the gym, would you be upset?
Yeah, I would actually want Yeah, I mean.
Same, I wouldn't like it either.
Yeah.
So which leads me then to is watching pornography cheating again? I don't think it's cheating. I think it's a boundary and I don't really think have we ever talked? Do you watch part?
No? And I don't think it's something that promotes a health.
You can be honest, it's only just us.
I'm being honest.
I don't think it's something that promotes a healthy man or a healthy marriage.
Yeah, therefore, I know we have discussed that before. I don't I wouldn't break up with you over it. But it's a triggering thing to my past that I would appreciate you not doing. And I think it's something where it opens. I think a negative gateway. It could get worse. From my personal experience, it gets, it starts there and then it grows and it gets worse.
It's a gateway like a lot of things.
Yeah, Okay, Is flirting with a waitress of bartender cheating again? I think it's a boundary of respect. Is going to a strip club cheating again?
It's not cheating, but it's not something you do to promote a healthy marriage.
Yeah, and you go and I'll have your bags packed again. Not because I'm not secure, but I just I don't want another girl's titties up in your face.
And you don't need to work it with that, Okay, And.
I know that that's the thing. Like I I know that you are a different type of man, and I appreciate that and love that. Thank you for respecting me the way that you do, not saying that a guy going to a strip club doesn't respect a girl. I wanted to put that out there too. But if that's fine with you, and you don't care like for dudes, like letting the dudes go out for a night out. I just I know girls that are fine with it. I have friends that are like, yeah, it's fine if
they just go for fun. I just didn't want that, and I think it's been too much of my past trauma.
Yeah, listen again, if you flip the situation like we do in a manager. If you're going to a club but a guy he's robbing, he's a good troll over your leg and your face and stuff that am I going to be happy with that?
No?
Yeah, that's the rule. We live by flip it. Anything in life, flip it. If it's he's doing something, he flips it, would like me doing that. If the answer is no, don't do it.
Exactly is having a subscription to only fins.
It's just not again boundaries.
Yeah.
Do you think it's ever okay to tell little lies in a relationship?
It's not unless it's a fun one.
Because a fun lie like a present you've got them and you've told them you've not got them a present.
I have lied in obviously past relationships to protect the how do I say this to me? It's like irrelevant or I didn't want to blow up. I don't want to be a fight. But in this relationship, I mean, I've come to you with hard things when you've asked me, or when you've asked me a question and like a piece of he's like, oh, just so I no, because it's like it doesn't matter. It was back in when
you were twenty in la and like who cares? And what I love about our relationship is that I can say like, I've never lied to you, and I you know, and there's been something where you asked me and I'm like, and it was tough because you didn't like the answer. But I'm like, which one would you have wanted more? Because damn did I want to lie to you? Boy? Did I not want to tell you the truth? Because I didn't want this reaction?
Yeah, I'm not exactly which one your thought about it?
Yeah, but which one at the end of the day.
But actually made me respect you more for the terrific out your move.
Yeah, but I mean that. Yeah, that was better than hindsight.
Yeah, longer term, that's better.
Absolutely, It's not easy, but it's better.
Yeah.
What drives you nuts about the other?
What drives me nuts about you?
As you revert to feeling like you have to do everything yourself, you go into solo mode. It drives me nuts because I'm always here for you, and I'm always here to try and help with things. I might not always be forthcoming, but I'm always thinking, how can I help? But how can I make a day better? How can I So when you feel like I'll just do it myself because That's where I'm going to be doing, That's how I'm going to do it, And that drives me crazy.
I get it. Is there anything we haven't asked each other?
But relation not that I know of No, I think we've been asked that question before.
At any point in our relationship, have we not prioritized intimacy? New we good in that area. I think it's something where we know it's important to both of us, and so we are always either touching each other. And it's not just sex, like we have a very healthy sex life, but it's we're constantly touching each other, hand, kiss, We're connected even in the passings, which arguments tend to repeat in our relationship.
My quietness, my me internalizing before I externalize things.
Yeah, and sometimes like the words yeah, I think before we speak. If you could see into our future together, what would you like to know?
I don't know.
Did we make it okay? Did all kids survive? Did we make it that we managed to No? I would say, if you could look into our future, would I like to know that it was gosh, it's such a good es And I would that we took it in and we enjoyed it all. Would be kind of my thing, Yeah, because we're so busy in kids and the whole thing, and it's I'd like to look back and go, Okay, we we did, you know, went through some tough times great times, and we're stronger and.
Oh, I would simplify it as what i'd lengthens that we never took each other for granted.
And always respected. Yeah yeah, but I already kind of know that's like that we were always going to have that respect for each other. Well, thank you Habi for coming on the podcast. Those were some questions that were that were good we got answered there. Uh, do you have a question when it comes to dating in your chapter two? Call us or email us. We're here to guide you. All the info is on the show notes,
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