Hey there, folks, Jennifer M wrote to us asking for some relationship advice. Her husband of two years has been telling people that he married her out of obligation, and he's been doing it right in front of her rollbox. Advice to Lisa, she needs to be curious my thoughts.
We might be looking at a relationship killer. And with that, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy and TJ, where we follow up on our most recent Yahoo Relationship column, which you can find in the Life section of Yahoo dot com.
That's right, and this week here is what Jennifer M. Wrote to us with Amy and TJ. I am sixty years old and my husband of less than two years has been telling his family and friends in my presence that he married me out of a sense of obligation. We had an eight year relationship prior to getting married. He told me upfront that he didn't want to remarry. I struggled with this privately, but with counseling, came to accept his terms not long after he proposed out of
the blue. The obligation narrative is new. The first time he relayed this to his family, I expressed dismay and surprise, but not anger. I kept my cool. Now he is repeating this narrative to his close friends. He does not seem to understand how painful this is for me. What
should I do? So I immediately said that I thought she had to talk to him, She had to take it straight to him, And I know it's a hard conversation, but she has to tell him how humiliating that feels, and she needs to ask him if that's how he really does feel, because maybe he was too afraid to say it to her, but in the comfort or protection of other people he knows love him, he could say it kind of jokingly, but also maybe kind of honestly.
What's the purpose in getting that out? Just getting it off his chest? Is he trying to start a conversation? Like what would be the purpose?
Maybe he feels guilty that he married her in the first place because he now knows he shouldn't have, and so instead of having an adult or mature conversation with her about it, or even maybe fully admitting it to himself, it's coming out in a really awkward, unfortunate way, but it's still coming out, Like how long can you suppress that those feelings come out? In some ways? And sometimes they come out in passive aggressive ways.
Okay, so you're suggesting he hasn't even dealt with this fact.
I think he hasn't fully admitted it to himself, but it's bubbling up and now it's really hard to have a conversation and ask a question that you are afraid to hear the answer to.
I thought. I mean, I think no matter where, if you're listening, like, no matter what you think she should do, and I think everybody starts with you gotta talk. Yeah, first things first, you gotta talk. After that, I just I would like to talk to this guy. I just don't know why you would do that in front of people. It's almost intentionally humiliate her. It's just humiliating. Go on Instagram and say the same thing.
Right, I likened it too. You've been to couple's therapy before. Sometimes you will admit feeling something or thinking something to a third party in a safe space that you don't feel necessarily safe or comfortable with saying just to your partner. And I'm thinking that maybe that's why it's coming out. I'm going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not doing it. Maliciously okay, or
to be an asshole, but actually it's not okay. It's immature as hell, and he hasn't dealt with his own emotions. But maybe it's not malicious. Maybe it's just him not dealing with how he actually feels.
Then we got a problem. Then what would have happened? What happened when everything is fine after eight years and as soon as you put a ring on it, there's an issue now?
Right?
They seem to be doing well up to that point, don't We have limited information? But what happens? Then?
I would ask you, as a man, maybe if he set up front, hey, I don't want to ever remarry, because clearly he was married before and he didn't want to go down that aisle haha again. But then maybe he did feel pressure. Maybe she doesn't realize how much pressure he did feel to marry her because he knew that's what she ultimately wanted. But then once he did it,
he immediately regretted. Does that make sense where now he's got the pressure and he ended up doing something he didn't want to do, so now he's resentful.
Well, then that means she's not giving us enough good information to go on here because what you're saying. She writes that she struggled privately with him, saying he didn't want to get married, accepted it, but then not long after he proposed out of the blue. She's suggesting that she had moved on and then he decided that da da da da? Now is that really the case? How much time between those two things was there pressure? It could have been, but she said she was at peace with him.
She might have been giving him pressure without realizing it.
That is something you all do. Oh we talk about this all the time, and you all isn't fair. I apologize because not all women do all things. But this is something that I have experienced. We're talking about it here as well. But the pressure from you is not about the marriage or anything relationship wise. It's when we're gonna go see that movie? Are we going upstate?
We don't want to be demonstrative, but we want to let you know what we would actually probably really like. But no pressure. You know, no one wants to to be the person who gives the ultimatum. No one wants to be the person who says let's do this or else. So maybe she didn't even realize the pressure She was putting on him.
You know, guys generally I can obviously I can speak for myself and in experience with guys, I know in these in relationships the pressure stinks. Like just when you feel it, the pressure and then sometimes you start feeling it from a friend or a cousin or that stuff, it just freaks a guy out, Yeah, because even well
intentioned guys will just freak out about it. Now you're doing something, the most important thing of your life, perhaps on somebody else's timeline, and even if you move your timeline by six months, that mean you're doing something for somebody else. You're not actually doing what you want to do. That starts to stink because now you're starting to question everything.
So couldn't you see him? Maybe that starts to come out now in inconvenient, really awful ways. I mean, that's a I mean, I feel for her. That is a gutting thing to hear anyone say to your face, but it's even more gutting to know that he's saying it in front of other people. Can you see feel for her? The pressure?
You now am building a while scenario in my head. I can see this happening, and maybe I've seen it happen somewhere before. But what you describe right, the pressure, the pressure, the pressure, who says what the conversation was in a group of folks, how that conversation was going, had they been arguing earlier? Was he was she nitpicking about something or whatever? And you could see in an offhand moment, I ain't want to marry you know it? Yep, you could hear that mean thing coming out in a
heated moment. No it's not okay, now it's not right. But some context in that. We say stupid when we're mad and other people around when we feel and humiliated. So this could have just been a defense mechanism. We just don't know what triggered.
It's so fascinating. And so many of you actually left your comments about what you thought she should do, what your advice to her would be. And again didn't we see a lot of men, guys again, men writing in with their comments more so than women. I thought that was so fascinating. I love that men keep speaking up. We love hearing what you have to say to us or to Jennifer M. But Keith tells Jennifer M. Easy tell people you married him out of spite.
That's something I that's a quick comeback. That's just funny. I just like I don't give a damn.
I wonder if she combatd it with humor in the moment instead of feeling hurt. And you know what that does. You come from a place of strength, a place of confidence, knowing that your love is real and knowing that you are meant to be together. And so if he makes a comment, instead of immediately feeling wounded, if you can come back with a quick bar back, he might think that's sexiest. Hell.
Actually, that's a great sad for that one. First, it's a great comeback. Handle it with a little humor. I don't mind that at all.
In public, yes, And then in private you still have to have the conversation. I would fully suggest doing that and the next time have that at your arsenal. Maybe if he brings it up again and then say, hey, Bud, we got to talk.
This next one is a theme and we'll just sum it up with this. I don't have this person's name, but they say leave a lot of people just period, point blank say divorce, divorce, divorce. You shouldn't be with this person and just don't need to hear anymore. They just hear what's described and they say that's the end.
Of it'out respect respect. It's about respect, right, John says this. I have to say, this is all kind of her fault. He said he didn't want to get married. She should have taken him at his word before. And John, I hear you. But when he proposed to her, what, how is she supposed to take that? Then? If she wanted to marry him and he proposed to her, should she have questioned and said, are you sure?
Given what we are?
What changed?
Given what's been described? It seemed like that conversation should have been had. Most women don't get proposed to out of the blue, right the timing. You might be all here or there, but you're not surprised the guy you've been with for two years might get down on a knee. You all have had a conversation at something about me and a lot.
Of times, you know, like the day it's happening because of the nervous energy, like out of the weird. I don't know. I think most women pretend they're surprised. I think most women know it's coming.
What's the thing now? Most women all you all will go behind the guy's back and tell your girlfriend so she can be wearing a nice enough outfit and their hair is done right.
I mean, there's a lot of stuff that goes on behind the scenes where we try to act like we didn't know, but yeah, mostly we know.
So she I proposed to out of the blue. If that's true, then I am really really siding with her now in that there was enough separation of.
Time where she thought he had a change of heart and she accepted it, and it's what she wanted to. Why wouldn't she say yes? Okay, Michael, Okay, Michael, this is an interesting comment what he had to say about Jennifer m He said, women bash their significant other all the time. My wife did it in front of friends and friends. Wives would do it in front of me. Women get upset about this topic because women complain how the man didn't lift the toilet seed or dust before vacuuming.
Men complain about women cheating during the relationship while not having physical relationships with their partner or relations with their partner. It's not our fault. Women's shortcomings are so much worse.
WHOA, There's a lot there, but there's stuff worth addressing. Okay, there's a lot there like okay, Now, this idea that a woman in front of a group of people could say to her husband, oh, he's such an idiot.
Sometimes you're right, right.
Little comments like that and putting him down that we generally accept, would that be fair to say?
I do think that that is fair on a general basis.
Yes, so he is hinting at that now, even as that's humiliating and upsetting and you shouldn't do that. Do you still not equate it to or should we equate it? Is it that an equal jab?
You know? I don't think it's equal to say. I mean, look, I don't think you should say my husband's an idiot whatever and he's standing right there in front of him, because that would be the equivalent. But it's one thing to say my husband's an idiot. It's another thing to say, uh, I regret marrying him, or I should never have married him, or I'm obligated now because I married this dufist Like that takes it to a whole other level combining right,
I yes, neither one is okay. But I do think telling a room that you are you married someone because you felt obligated to marry them is the lowest possible blow. I think you could give. It means like I didn't want to marry this person who was standing right next to me, aka my wife.
But he wanted to be with her. How did we He was in an eight year relationship.
It was not like this was some new love and he didn't realize what he was getting into, like he knew her. I don't get it.
I would marriage turned things somebody and waitset. I'm trying to look at the rest of what Michael.
That was something he was saying that women, what men complain about women is so much worse. Like women complain that men don't don't put the toilet seat down, but men are dealing with women cheating on them. I don't that seemed like that was a big I think lots of different issues can happen for both genders.
Michael is going to have to write in and we need.
More information to us, all right, Carl. Carl wrote in and said, next time he says it in public, just state that you married him out of pity. It's not bad like this similar pity spite. Those are interchangeable. Both of those are fun quips, Okay, Here's what Mary. This is the first female first woman we have writing in for a comment about Jennifer m all right, here's what she said. Here's what Mary said. Please don't let him
disrespect you. That is what he is doing. I would tell him how much that hurt you, and if he ever does it again, I would suggest you divorce him. If he is not in love with you enough to respect you, then find someone who is. When someone you love does not return that love in equal kind, and if you stay with him, you will maybe forgive, but please trust me, you will never forget.
Well said Mary.
I think that's a really good piece of advice. I agree with her because maybe you give him one more chance. Maybe he has a reason, maybe he has some pent up resentment he needs to work through with you, and then maybe he won't feel that way and won't act that way. But yeah, on once he does it again, or if he does it again, I don't think there's any coming back from that.
The relationship didn't change over eight years, except we call it a marriage now, so that means there's something there. You invest eight years, there was something going on there to the point after eight years marriage was still on the table. Right, that's not two people who thinking about not being together. That's true. You're still talking about it, so I don't know how we get to this place. So to what Mary is saying, I still think there's something there. I like, tell him how much it hurt.
Let's talk it out, see if we can get through it. But don't you dare do this again.
That's the ultimatum I would be okay with. If you do it again, we're done. I think that's fair. It's fair because he doesn't have to say that. So I actually love this last comment. We plucked that you plucked Actually DJ the best. I think this is my favorite of all of them. This is right up my alley, Diff, whoever you are, I love this piece of advice you have for Jennifer M. Diff writes, introduce him to others as your first husband. That'll give him something to think about.
Wait for it. Some people are trying to figure out wait.
Wait, oh, there could be a second, there could be a third. You never know.
This is my first husband is online.
I love you know what. That's my favorite. That's a drop the mic moment. Jennifer m If you get the chance, just you know what, if you want to wait to have the conversation. Do that first, and then let him come to you and say what was that all about? And say, oh, funny you should ask, And there's your conversation starter. I love it. Diff Thank you, Thank you for the perfect piece of advice for Jennifer em.
Again, it sounds like something else is going on there that needs to be addressed. Fine, but I just hate to hear that kind of an investment in a relationship that still was going strong after eight years. Let's figure this thing out before we completely call it quits.
It's worth a conversation. So thank you all, by the way, for reading our new column ask Amy and TJ on Yahoo. In the life section every Monday, you will see a new question that a reader has written to us and our advice, and again, we love to hear your comments, so please leave them for us and we will maybe feature one of them on our podcast the following Saturday after our columns drop on Monday. But thank you for listening to us here on the Amy and TJ Podcast. We hope you have a wonderful day.