Well, folks, it’s been a long week, but the count is finally in: Instead Of, the podcast, is 176 episodes long. That’s right! Your three favorite hosts are hangin’ it up, hangin’ it down, and hangin’ it on a towel rack, respectively. We’re not kidding: this one, right here, is the very last one. Join us, each and every one of you Dear Listeners, as we bid you farewell the only way we know how: graphic descriptions of Neopets having sex. In this, the final one, we explode a roving invisible volca...
Nov 06, 2020•50 min•Ep. 176
Hey, uh, "boo," and stuff. It's the last week in Spooktaboobular October, but if you're anything like your three favorite podcast hosts, you're feeling definitively anti-spooky this year. Instead, this week Josh plays pinball with human lives, Tapan installs dunk horns on his many basketball hoops, and Mike nurtures his burgeoning nudism. Pairings: low expectations; wing buckets; hog fodder
Oct 30, 2020•37 min•Ep. 175
In the strictly non-sexual holodeck here at Instead Of HQ, almost anything goes. The number two thing we use it for is fashion shows. Look! Here comes Josh down the runway with a sultry strut, sporting his signature crotch-top bodyromper in a very jazzy print. And there's Tapan, hand on his hip, beret on his head, John Silver cigarette dangling from his lips. Mike? We sort of... lost him to the holodeck. He's been living in there for months, downing hole-ales at the fantasy pub and rearranging k...
Oct 23, 2020•33 min•Ep. 174
As the old saying goes, the road to Bob Dole's grave is paved with gingersnaps. This week on Instead Of, we learn that Bob Dole is alive, though our cherished 'snaps have crumbled for a grater cause. By the Untethered Horse, we solemnly swear that in this one, Josh adds bitters to his cheesecake, Mike becomes Fully Integrated with The Customer Service Matrix, and Tapan shows his son how it's (un)done. Pairings: legit_gasp.mp3; dubious claims about your Mayan heritage; catstronauts...
Oct 16, 2020•35 min•Ep. 173
Dear Apple Podcasts, Boy did this week's Instead Of suck! The hosts—a fish hatcher, a sexy Tesla intern, and an autocratic iconoclast—do everything from slander the sex moves of the great and powerful Elon Musk to plot the defenestration of Mickey Mouse himself. This podcast must be stopped. No more pee trauma. No more mustache play. Enough is enough. 0 stars! Pairings: a massive Sunday load; warm, wet water; a free rag
Oct 09, 2020•43 min•Ep. 172
Look, everybody makes mistakes. Some of us get fired for performance reasons eighteen months ago and justifiably hide it from our friends and family, while others do unspeakably monstrous things like play anthology TV series out of order. We're here to tell you: it's okay. First of all, there's probably a great Fargo recap vid. And second, you need to cut yourself some slack. Paste yourself some forgiveness. Now get back in that hallway, slam a Natural Light, and gaffe away, kid! Pairings: T-Rex...
Oct 02, 2020•45 min•Ep. 171
Pairings: apt segues; the sum of human wisdom; bravo cane!
Sep 25, 2020•39 min•Ep. 170
This week, it's movie night! First up in our triple feature is the latest MJH/Dave Chappelle vehicle, and let's just say: Executive Producer Josh Harrison is a dirty, no-good liar. Next up, Mike Bogart stars as Krunklestiltskin in the movie it took a cult to make: Cats II . Grounding out the night, it's the Ultimate Director's Cut of the 2004 cult classic Mr. 3000 , where they digitally insert flashlights in everybody's hands in every scene. Pairings: tongue crunches; afterparty pregnancy; one l...
Sep 18, 2020•33 min•Ep. 169
Any wedding attendee will tell you that the best part of attending a wedding is making small talk with your fellow wedding attendees. Much like a grandparent using Zoom for the third time, in this one we struggle to comprehend virtual wedding etiquette, resulting in: an icebreaker about the random, unfeeling nature of the universe; a marriage between two hard places; and a bright future for the nom de fair . Pairings: dribbling taste; juggling scarves; a flirting trophy
Sep 11, 2020•42 min•Ep. 168
Good evening, and welcome to the Instead Of NewsHour. Our top story tonight: Disturbing found footage of a turkey trot in Boston is raising new questions in the mysterious disappearance of local turkey Josh Harrison. In sports, superstar devoicalist Tapan Jani puts his unbeaten record on the line in the Devoice Challenge. And on the lighter side, renowned eccentric Mike Bogart will offer a reading from his new poem, "Where Do All the Turtles Go?" Pairings: a tasty Sorrento platter; defunct YouTu...
Sep 04, 2020•34 min•Ep. 167
Shakespeare once said, "That which we call a grape by any other name would taste as sweet." Much like that quotation, Shakespeare was way off. This week on Instead Of, we eat your organs during the ultimate single-mouth battle to the death: It's cherries vs. grapes. Mike vs. his fedora. Josh vs. gravity. Tapan vs. late-stage capitalism. Fasten your seatbelts, folks. We... don't remember how to drive. Pairings: finger divots; cat options; odds-defying vigilance
Aug 28, 2020•41 min•Ep. 166
Here at ZipVan Winkle’s, we take all the waking stress out of moving. You know how, when you’re awake, moving sucks? That’s where we come in. ZipVan Winkle’s is built on the timeless idea that when you’re asleep, you don’t know what’s going on. With our patented Right Angle-Identifying technology, you can rest assured that we’ll never cut corners. And as experienced storm chasers, we’ll never conduct your move during a tornado (though our patent-pending hairpills mean you’ll never know the diffe...
Aug 21, 2020•37 min•Ep. 165
When it comes right down to it, folks, the thing about this week's episode is that it's hard to explain, right? It's even hard for us, and we've been studying it for years! But if you can give us a little of your time and attention for the next 45 minutes or so, you just might learn something new. So let's get started! Did you know that Josh wears the pants of his long-dead ancestors? As we like to say, more like " haute mature !" Now, if you can believe it, Tapan was one of the very first folks...
Aug 14, 2020•46 min•Ep. 164
There's no other way to say it: This week, your hosts shed all pretense and artifice, calmly throttling the life out of our cooler, younger selves as we make a dispassionate defense of the categorical imperative to maximize one's cribbage score against one's girlfriend. Seven years post-Gangnam Style, we here at Instead Of are of an age where being on a CSI show seems cool, and we're thriving. Tapan knows all the best pills to take, Mike's working on his dead will, and Josh plays every game like...
Aug 07, 2020•58 min•Ep. 163
If you're anything like us, and you've recently been on a drug-fueled stream-of-consciousness off-roadtrip with your best buds, you'll understand exactly what we mean when we say that Josh's body is not only a waterpark but also all seven layers of Hell. This week, we get our feet dirty (while they're not nailed down) and really connect with the Earth and all its luscious grasses. Along the way, we learn some important lessons: Jesus knew what he was talking about when it came to ROI on billboar...
Jul 31, 2020•37 min•Ep. 162
Hey, guys! Welcome to Instead Of! This week's BDSM ASMR video is sponsored by ropes. We here at Instead Of are definitely not materials science... scientists, we're just globetrotting YouTubers. But let us be the first to tell you: these rope things are great. Next time you're tying a baker's dozen (or more!) mattresses to your truck, try a rope. Anyway, in this one we ride 'til we die, deal 'til we heal, and dole out some much-deserved carpital punishment. Pairings: gross tortilla misuse; 22YUP...
Jul 24, 2020•41 min•Ep. 161
A lot of people will tell you that deodorizing your elbowpits is stupid, but we here at Instead Of are a tufty bunch. When we're not rattailing it at IOHQ, we're hightailing it to such places as Lansing, Michigan, the least expected state capital on the map. Yea, verily, in this one we spend ten good minutes of your time naming a fair chunk of the 50 states and various cities within them. In conclusion, as @REIGaming once twote, the real world is open as hell. Pairings: Juneau, by boat; Montpeli...
Jul 17, 2020•48 min•Ep. 160
Much like America at-large, your faithful hosts are having a weird one this week, and we must therefore beg for your forgiveness on a number of counts, chief among which is Josh's subpoen-able Pee Movie. Lo, the teen knew not what he would commit to video literally forever, and yet, like us all once we really get going, he could not stop. Later on, Mike takes a touery of a brewery, we become a real podcast, and Tapan is metaphysically undone by hot sauce. Pairings: a stupid idiot Tamagotchi; pen...
Jul 10, 2020•41 min•Ep. 159
Soup be damned! We're going nuts-deep this Fourth of July, which means a whole lot of misinterpreted idioms for us and five pairs of wax lips a year for every American. Instead of fireworks, we're celebrating our independence by downing a couple lava shots, putting on some highly flammable facewear, and heading to the biggest movie of the summer: nothing. Pairings: your emergency King of Queens DVDs; a bitchin' 'stache; a Mark Rothko joint
Jul 03, 2020•36 min•Ep. 158
INT. “WIN IT ALL WITH MIKE BOGART” SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT JOSH kneels, head in hands, on a stage strewn with bloody gray feathers. A falcon, perched on a sawhorse, preens itself to stage left. Shocked murmurs echo from the TV audience. JOSH Not my cygnets! How could you, Falcor!? TAPAN enters the stage, followed by MIKE. JOSH reaches for the saw at his feet, but MIKE’S foot lands on it before he can pick it up. MIKE I’ve got good news for you, Josh! ...You’re moving on to the next round! JOSH Oh... ...
Jun 26, 2020•41 min•Ep. 157
This week, your hosts are all househens and clamhands as we celebrate the nation's numerous and individual small businesses, each of which is unique in its similarity. Among the multitude of self-same businesses large and small, we identify definite outliers: Blacktop Mike's Listening Room, Tapan & Andy's Auto Body, and Succulent Josh's Murder-for-Hire. Pairings: A spiritual hole in your heart, $5 a month, and a Patreon login; enough dogs; Circles: Cones from Above
Jun 19, 2020•52 min•Ep. 156
From spider web hammocks to dark tan cookware, here in Episode 155 we cover everything you need to make your home Instead Of chic. First: appliances. If it's not a Whirlpool, get rid of it. Second: spider crafts. This one is pretty self-evident. Third: a car wash for humans. We can't believe you don't already have this. And finally: pots and pantillism. You'll never make spaghetti again! Pairings: good lip hair; cold drinks; Eisprime on Twitch and YouTube...
Jun 12, 2020•40 min•Ep. 155
When it comes to insightful on-the-spot introspection, we're probably not the first show you think of, and that makes a lot of sense. This week, we give it our best shot anyway. We also workshop inspirational whale slogans, denigrate corporate COVID-jingles, and bring a Horse to a Tag fight. Pairings: aclu.org ; eji.org ; naacpldf.org
Jun 05, 2020•41 min•Ep. 154
When it comes to mail fraud, this podcast has a firm position: Yes. Here at Instead Of HQ, we open other peoples' mail all the time, and you know what? It's even more thrilling than it sounds. We found all kinds of stuff in there this week, including: Josh's fervent teenage social-ishm, Mike Bogart and the Reluctant Witches, and the bad 49% of Tapan's body, but mostly it's ads for pizza cutters. Pairings: Center Stage 2: Ballerina 2 Ballerina; Calphalon-esque brand recognition; the cutting-edge ...
May 29, 2020•39 min•Ep. 153
Breathe deep, Dear Listener! That sweet scent is the fecund seed of spring (or, as we here at Instead Of HQ like to call it, humping season). Yes, your hosts have had sex before, so we recognize all the trademark signs of the season: The birds are humping, the trees are humping, and the sex dolls are washing up on the world’s shores. So plug up your nose, pop in those earbuds, and listen as: Tapan pulls off a Parker-esque double crossover, Mike avails himself of a virgin Arnie, and Officer Jeff ...
May 22, 2020•38 min•Ep. 152
From new customs to new costumes, we're all adopting novel habits and hairstyles here in quarantine—especially Josh. This week, your resident hairline hardliner has his Travis Bickle Britney moment, while also-host Mike allays all his anxieties among avian-adjacent allies in alleys, and equal-host Tapan tries triumphantly to stamp a talkative teen tiger's ticket to the Ivy League. Pull up a stool, pour yourself a delicious chicken parm smoothie, and say hey to our moms for us, would you? Pairing...
May 15, 2020•40 min•Ep. 151
Here at Instead Of HQ, we’ve been venturing out of our communal bunker one host at a time, and Oh! the things we’ve seen. Pointillism parks, boastful Ohioans, beavers... the list ends there. There’s really not much going on. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a funky party in celebration of Episode 150! Come, join us in our anti-viral communal bunker as we discuss: How many dogs Josh has killed, how many dogs it takes to eat Mike’s chronic inflammation, and how many dog attacks one financial in...
May 08, 2020•39 min•Ep. 150
Here we are, the 15th most popular podcast in the Top 14, teetering on the precipice of 150 episodes, and what do we have to show for it? Bill Macy might recognize us in a GameWorks, sure, but who cares? Listen, it's high time we reinvent ourselves. It's time we dry off our feet, fold up our lips, and get serious. We're coming at you this week with several new endeavors, including: an undeniably funky jam sesh, Instead Of Live: Bad Host Edition, and a first date lip game smackdown. Pairings: sca...
May 01, 2020•47 min•Ep. 149
Deep within the furthest recesses of space, quasi-transmogrified by multivalent shards of fractional time, this week's episode is brought to you in quantum simulcast from both inside and outside the neediest, most approval-seeking wormhole in the universe, which is paradoxically contained within each and every cell that makes up your very brain . Much like the... noise particles? that are even now beating relentlessly against your ear drums, so too do we, in this one, beat relentlessly upon the ...
Apr 24, 2020•39 min•Ep. 148
In nomine Ovum, et Hominem, et Lepus sancti... We gather here today to celebrate the life and death of a very special egg some of us like to call Humpty, and the sacrifice He made to vanquish that nasty Eggman way back when. Now, children, we have a special Tuesday School tradition in store for you. Mhm, pick up your eggs. Form a line against the wall, that's it. Yes, keep your eyes closed—it's time for The Egging. Also in this one: a face-watering Banksy/Fieri collab, internet data packet trans...
Apr 17, 2020•45 min•Ep. 147
