How to be Remembered

My eyes start to water and I'm thinking I can't believe you even remember who I am . I love you too . I say why do you have to live in England ? He asks , and I'm still bewildered and basking in the glow of his I love you . And I'm thinking I can't believe you like me this much .

I'm not thinking this in a self-loathing way , but more of a curiosity way . Me , you love me . How do you remember me ? I have lived so far away for so long . And then he says I want you to live here . And so my expat existential crisis deepens . Where should I be ? What am I doing with my life ? How can I leave this kid ?

As we walk along the grass hand in hand , I try to come up with an answer that makes sense for him why am I not here ? And I eventually say I was living in England way before you were born .

I built my life there , and I'm thinking and I still have an important life here , and perhaps another day I will talk more about expat angst and how we forever feel torn between two or more places . Today , though , I'm thinking more about how am I able to have such an incredible bond with my nephew , who is now seven ?

How are we still so connected , even though I've lived an ocean away his entire life ? Yes , we FaceTime frequently . Yes , I come back to the States much more often and for longer periods of time since he's been born .

Yes , there's the novelty of Aunt Sarah's visits adding dopamine hits to his daily routine , but mostly , I think it's love , unconditional love , and my overwhelming desire for his happiness and good health , and he radiates this love back . This is going to sound a little random , but stay with me here .

Growing up , I loved the Simpsons , and this scene with Lisa and Mo has always stuck with me . Mo , listen , lisa , I don't like you and you don't like me , but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey . Lisa , you don't like me , I like you , mo , you do . Then I like you too . End scene .

Now , lisa and Mo didn't love each other like family , but that simple exchange which still makes me laugh . It sparked a liking for one another . Sometimes increasing your affection for someone can be that easy . You've probably heard

or said some version of I thought she hated me , but now we're best friends . How incredible would this world be if we assumed liking and just cut through all those years of misunderstandings and the drama in our heads . Instead of withdrawing from someone we think doesn't like us , what if we just practiced liking them instead ?

If this sounds too difficult or far-fetched , consider the science and the Stoics . Psychologist Mitch Prinstein , who studies popularity , describes two types of popularity One , status , which is based on visibility or influence , and two , likability , and this is rooted in warmth , kindness and emotional generosity .

And while status earns attention in the immediate term , it's likability that leads to better friendships , stronger support systems and long-term well-being . So what makes somebody likable ? Studies show that people who are warm , attentive , emotionally uplifting these are the people who smile

, who show interest , who offer encouragement they are more likely to be liked and included . And these likable gestures don't have to be grand . Barbara Fredrickson , an expert in positive psychology , says we should create micro moments of positivity resonance .

These are brief , bonding experiences like eye contact , a shared laugh , a short exchange with somebody , and these moments are not just for friends and family . Fredrickson says that we should extend this warmth beyond our inner circle to strangers , acquaintances , colleagues . She calls this love 2.0 .

And the Stoics had another word for expanding our care beyond our immediate circle , and this word is oikiosis . We're expanding our interest and our care beyond our inner circle and it doesn't take much Wishing someone a good day , saying oh my gosh , I love that book when you see a stranger reading it on the subway , offering to carry a heavy bag .

To quote Fredrickson from her book Love 2.0 ,

love blossoms virtually anytime two or more people , even strangers , connect over a shared positive emotion . End quote . In these moments , our biochemistry and behaviors start to sync with the other person . She says there's this emotional resonance where your breath , facial muscles , even heartbeats can attune to one another .

It's your body's way of saying we're in this together . This is what creates positivity resonance , and it's not just about fleeting emotional boosts . These micro moments have real , lasting effects . They release oxytocin , calm the nervous system and improve vagal tone , which supports everything from heart health to emotional regulation .

And over time , these small acts of connection lower stress , deepen relationships and reduce anxiety and depression and reduce anxiety and depression . I love this passage from Fredrickson's book Love 2.0 . A single gust of wind , after it moves on , hardly alters the shape of a tree .

Yet when you find all the trees in a given area leaning decidedly to the west , you can see the lasting effects of the prevailing winds . The new science of positivity resonance tells us that when you make love your prevailing desire , you remake whole domains of your life . You become appreciably and enduringly different and better .

You uplift others , helping them become different and better as well . End quote . We

can generate love . We don't have to wait to be chosen . We choose how we show up . We choose to love . The effects build over time and they shape us . This past weekend I took my nephew indoor swimming at a hotel in Newport , rhode Island , gilded age forever .

I love that place and it was a really sunny day , so everybody was outside in the outdoor pool and we had the indoor place all to ourselves . And he says let's sing White Christmas . And he says this because I took him to this place in December and he is remembering us swimming around and singing Christmas carols .

And back then he also said let's pretend we're 40 and thinking back to Christmas when we were seven or eight , and I love that . Kids are hilarious and they're also profound . So here it is July and we are singing White Christmas

Because he remembered that's the effect of the prevailing winds . Small moments of love , again and again , and again , and I love these experiences with my nephew . But love isn't something we save for special people or rare occasions .

It's something we create deliberately daily , and this is through laughter , jokes , a kind question or hanging out in the checkout line and making conversation with somebody . Love and likability aren't about being chosen .

They're about how we show up , how we choose to be , what we choose to bring into this world , and sometimes the smallest gestures stick with people , shaping how they feel , even from far away , even years later .