When People Take Advantage: How to Stop Avoiding Awkward Situations

You're really excited about them , and then the person who's ringing you up charges you a dollar or two or a pound or two , whatever your currency is more than you were expecting , more than the advertised price . And then a dialogue starts going in your head Well , the sign says that it's cheaper . Why did this person charge me more ?

Are they just trying to take advantage of me ? Do they think I'm dumb ? Do they think I won't know ? Well , it's only a pound or two more . Anyway , i'm not going to say anything .

Then we might physically start looking a little pouty , secretly having a bad attitude , and then often we'll walk away mad at them for overcharging us , but also mad at ourselves for not saying anything . And then we'll say something like all right , well , this is a life lesson and next time I'm going to speak up .

And then we're a little bit irritated for the rest of the day . Did they really try to take advantage of you ? Was it a mistake Today ? I want to get into what to do when you feel like people are trying to take advantage of you , and I'm going to share a story that happened to me today . Last week I went to the dry cleaners .

It was a little bit out of my way , but somebody had recommended this place . So I bring in three sweaters to get cleaned . The weather is getting warmer So I figure , all right , it's time to clean these up and put them away .

So I go to the dry cleaner and I hand the lady at the counter my three jumpers Jumpers is what they call sweaters in England And she said , oh , this looks like cashmere . We don't do cashmere here . So she went and called somebody else in town who they send materials , their clothes , there if they don't do that particular material .

So she comes back and said , oh , that's going to be 13 pounds each And I thought that sounded like a lot . But then I was like well , maybe I just haven't gotten anything dry cleaned in a while . So , even though there was a lot , i thought , all right , well , i'm here , let's just do it , so fine . So she starts writing up the receipt by hand .

But then she started to charge me 14 pounds for each jumper And I said , oh , i thought it was 13 . And she said , oh , no , i said 14 . I said 14 .

Then I kind of like a feeling of my gut , like I feel like she might be lying to me , but at the same time I had walked all that way and I kind of just wanted to get it over with And I said , ok , fine , you know , let's do it . So she gives me my little tag and told me to come back the following week And I didn't pay her then .

So today is the day that I had to pick up my dry cleaning And just for that give it . I decided to call the other place that she had sent my jumpers to to get cleaned , to find out how much they actually charged . And the woman picked up the phone and said we would charge nine pounds per item for that .

So this other dry cleaning place that I went to charged me 15 pounds over what I was supposed to be charged . So my immediate thought that popped into my head unchallenged was I knew they were trying to take advantage of me .

So on the way to the dry cleaners , all sorts of scenarios were playing out in my mind and escalated quite quickly over what might happen , because I was coming from a place of you are cheaters . You tried to take advantage of me . At the same time , in my head I was trying to think of a way to avoid conflict and to make them feel good .

But then I thought , but why am I trying to make them feel happy and not feel bad for cheating me ? because they cheated me . And so I was imagining , yeah , just escalating in me , just grabbing the sweaters and just walking out and then having them call the cops . And then I said , okay , you need to calm your mind down and clear this up .

But if they weren't trying to take advantage of you , what if they made a mistake ? Now I thought that lady at the laundry mat was acting suspicious , but at the same time , i'm open to the idea that there was some kind of misunderstanding , and that is the energy that I wanted to walk in there with .

That is going to be more helpful to me , to them , to the outcome that I want to be open to the idea that there was a misunderstanding Instead of you're liars . You cheated me . So I asked myself what is the outcome that I want ? I want to pay 9 pounds for each of these jumpers , or if they charged a fee for sending them out .

Sure , i would pay a little bit of a fee , but I thought like practically devil was a bit much , but I wasn't going to walk in there accusing them of anything . So I go in and I give my receipt and it said 42 pounds on it and I said , oh , would you mind just checking ?

Somebody wrote down 42 pounds but I think they actually charged 9 pounds per jumper . So this young woman went to the , toward the back of the room , and the owner looked at the woman who originally served me And there was a little bit of commotion and it kind of looked like they had been caught in the act or something .

And the woman who originally served me said oh , i thought you said to add that extra charge . And the woman who seemed like the owner of the play said oh , no , no , no , no , no . And she came up to the counter and then we had a nice little chat and she charged me 9 pounds per item .

So we ended up having a pleasant chat and I walked out saving myself 15 pounds , or rather not getting overcharged 15 pounds , and this felt like a victory , because there was a time when I just would have been like 42 pounds , i maybe I would have made up a story in my head of why they charged me this extra money .

Or well , i'll just never go back here again , or , you know , giving myself some justifications for not having spoken up . But even though I don't love conflict , i'm willing to accept the discomfort of speaking up and to challenge initial thoughts that might come up that people are trying to take advantage of you .

At one of my previous jobs , we talked a lot about assuming positive intent , especially when it comes to people giving you feedback of some kind or constructive criticism . Assume that's coming from a positive place And we can take that sentiment to all aspects of our lives .

And , as I said , we don't have to always believe that somebody was acting with amazing intentions , but we can be open to the idea that maybe there's been a miscommunication , maybe there's been some kind of mistake , and that really takes the heat off of things and helps us act and think and feel from a more relaxed and productive space .

So if you ever find yourself in a situation like this , where you feel like people are taking advantage of you , ask yourself why you might feel uncomfortable speaking up about this . What are the thoughts going through your head . What are you assenting to ? So the Stoics would say , when we give into a thought , we're assenting to it .

So what thought are you assenting to ? What are you agreeing to ? Is this correct ?

Because when we assent to something , when we assent to our impression of something , we feel an impulse to act , and we're often not mindful of these inner workings , and so the key to living with more harmony is to pause and dig below the surface before we start acting or overreacting .

For me and a lot of my Type 9 clients , often we assume conflict , when all the situation really is is a need for simple clarification . Type 9 personalities often feel like conflict is so much bigger than it is that it's amplified , that there's even conflict at all . It could be just a conversation that other people would just see as a normal conversation .

Going back to the taco story that I shared at the beginning , if I'm in that situation , really all that is called for is for me to say , oh , i thought the sign said 9 pounds , 12 pounds or whatever it is . That's just asking for a clarification , and then they can tell you oh , i'm sorry about that , you know , let me . Let me ring up the right number .

Or they could say oh , we raised the prices today and I forgot to change the sign . And then you can either agree to the higher price or decide you want to go get pizza instead . But at least you have that information now and you're not taking it personally , you're not making it an issue that they are trying to cheat you .

So why do so many of us feel awkward about speaking up when we suspect that somebody might have shortchanged us or tried to cheat us in some way ? Well , i already mentioned one , a huge one fear of conflict . Many people have an inherent aversion to conflict and confronting people about a potential mistake or even intentional deception .

The thought of that can lead to a lot of anxiety . We don't want the confrontation or argument , and this fear of conflict overrides the desire to rectify the situation . There are also social norms and politeness , so society places a strong emphasis on being polite and avoiding confrontation .

So speaking up about perceived wrongs , especially in situations involving money , can seem impolite or confrontational , and this pressure often makes people hesitate to raise concerns , as they fear being perceived negatively or causing a scene . Then there's doubt and uncertainty .

So in certain situations where we suspect we may have been shortchanged or cheated , there's often a degree of uncertainty about whether our suspicions are true , and this uncertainty can lead to self-doubt and questioning our own perceptions . And this causes us to hesitate to speak up , because we don't want to look dumb in case we're wrong .

We don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble that might lead to even more feelings of awkwardness . And then we want to be liked . We want people to avoid having negative judgments about us , even people who are cheating us .

So speaking up in situations where we believe we may have been cheated can lead to potential negative judgments from the person responsible or even bystanders who are witnessing this , people who are standing behind us in line .

We don't want to be labeled overly critical or paranoid or overly concerned about money , so this also contributes to the awkwardness of speaking up . There's also loss aversion . So loss aversion is a cognitive bias And that causes people to feel the pain of losing something more acutely than the pleasure of gaining something .

So in the context of what we're talking about here , if we're feeling shortchanged by somebody , we might still be inclined to say nothing , because at least that helps us avoid further negative outcomes . By speaking up , we can avoid conflict , we can avoid fights , we can avoid looking stupid in front of other people .

So these are all anxiety producing thoughts that we are assenting to but often have no basis in reality . Speaking up when we're feeling shortchanged or we're feeling like somebody cheated us feels so high stakes , when we're so zoomed into the moment and feeling all of this anxiety and feeling , all eyes are on us And what are people going to think ?

And the truth is , most of these situations can be resolved because they are misunderstandings , miscommunications , and all we have to do is believe that thought , lean into that thought , be open to the idea that somebody is not acting with ill intent and be willing to be with uncomfortable emotions . That anxiety spike isn't going to kill you .

And , in fact , if you just let it be and you don't fight it and you're not struggling in the situation , chances are it's going to diminish in 90 seconds . So all you have to do is be with this emotion , challenge your thoughts and have an open conversation on what's really going on .

And if somebody is cheating you for real , if they get called out in a nice way , in a curious way , chances are What's going to happen is the same thing that happened to me in the dry cleaners today . It's an immediate like oh no , that must have been a mistake . Yep , let's clear that all up Again .

Often we're assuming there's going to be conflict when , in reality , all that's needed is simple clarification . So to summarize these points when you feel like somebody is taking advantage of you , often there's going to be a visceral sensation in your body . You're more on guard . You have your backup . Use these sensations as a cue to speak up .

Often people , especially introverts when they're in a situation like this , they start withdrawing . They start closing down , getting secretly pouty in their minds Instead of shutting down . Use those sensations to speak up , but not from a place of I've got my backup .

Before you speak up , relax your defenses and get into the mindset of oh , that's not what I was expecting . Let me seek some clarification here . So communicate with curiosity rather than an unhelpful emotion , and then , after you have the conversation , make a decision based on this information you have , accept the outcome and move on .

Taco prices are a pound more from now on because ingredients keep going up and up . That's totally fine . Okay , i've got my tacos , i'm going to enjoy them , life is great , and celebrate the fact that you spoke up for

yourself . This is not easy for many people , but the more you do it , the easier it gets And the more you'll realize that your anxiety is often uncalled for . It's just a lot of drama that you have swirling in your head because it's a pattern .

It's a pattern that you've adopted over your life to keep you safe And it has served you for a really long time , but it might no longer be serving you now . So when you start acting from this different place and challenging your thoughts , that will help retrain your brain , to make it easier and to even feel good to speak up .

All right , so did you relate to this episode ? Have you been in these taco dry cleaning situations ? How do you feel about speaking up for yourself , do you ?

If you would like my one-on-one help to speak more confidently and to manage your emotions while doing so , book a console and let's talk about how you can start communicating with more confidence and less anxiety . You can find me at sarahmygattelcom . You can find me at sarahmygattelcom .