It’s Supposed to Suck Right Now

He's treating this gap between his first attempt and a polished adult drawing as a personal failure , and most of us can relate to this , even when we know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset . We want to be amazing at everything on our very first attempt , because then we don't have to be embarrassed . No one has to see us struggle .

We try to control how people perceive us by attempting to look perfect , and this often means hiding or not trying anything new . A fixed mindset , as you may know , is the belief that we are born with certain natural abilities and that's it . You are good at something or you're not . A growth mindset is the belief that we can all grow and improve .

A growth mindset is the belief that we can all grow and improve and learning . This changed my life because until then , I had been afraid of looking stupid and I let that fear impact how I showed up in this world .

If we haven't met yet hello , I'm Sarah Mikatel and I'm a coach who especially loves helping people feel more confident in how they express themselves and relate to others . I'm also an American in England who loves talking about stoicism , connection , global exploration and the emotional freedom that comes with a growth mindset .

In her TED Talk and her book Mindset , stanford professor Carol Dweck likes to talk about the power of the word yet meaning . We can use this word as a helpful tool to remind ourselves that we are learning something new . So of course , we're not going to be good at it Yet .

To quote from her book Self-Theories in contrast to the helpless pattern , some students seek out difficult tasks and pour effort into them . These mastery-oriented individuals thrive on challenge . Their sense of worth is not tied to immediate success but to the process of learning and improvement . End quote .

It's unreasonable to think that we should be masterful at something we've never done before , but many of us fall into this trap . We want to leap over what is referred to as the messy middle , because that stage of growth feels really uncomfortable .

The other day , one of my clients was telling me about a few business ideas that she had , and when she spoke about one of them in particular , her whole body lit up , she smiled , her body became more animated , she spoke faster , with excitement . She's been thinking about this idea for a long time . It's an idea that I think is very brilliant .

She's been thinking about this for years , but she hasn't moved forward on it . And as we talked it became clear that , one , she's stuck in analysis , paralysis , that muddy , stuck feeling of drowning in too much research . And two , she's afraid of judgment and rejection .

And this feeling , this messy middle , this being stuck in the mud , it feels kind of chaotic , both stuck and chaotic at the same time , because you're going around and around in your head trying to think of the perfect solution before moving forward , because then no one can see you mess up , no one can say anything about you .

So we think , but that doesn't work , because the only way to move forward is to move forward , to take action , to test things , to try , and that will feel uncomfortable too . But this kind of discomfort feels a whole lot better than just spinning your wheels , because you're actually moving forward to become the person you want to be .

You are taking brave action , making progress on your goals

. Becoming great that is , the highest version of yourself is not designed to feel great , it's designed to challenge you and to change you . Appreciate the struggle . This is learning . Accept that pain is part of the process . Literally say to yourself this is the part where it's hard . Appreciate the struggle . Accept the pain . This is the part where it's hard .

It won't always be like this , and simply accepting the reality will bring some ease .

If you want to do something fun , exciting , different , like sell tacos from a truck , move to Istanbul , sell everything you own and live out of a van , you are going to have naysayers , people who judge , people who reject your dreams . This will happen no matter what path you pursue in life . So take the path that you want to be on .

Usually , people's judgments are not about you . They are about their own preferences and often their opinions are about their concern for you . When I quit a great job in Manhattan so I could go live in Rome for a while , all but a handful of people told me I was insane .

A recession was kicking off , and they were really concerned for me , and their worry had me second guessing myself .

So I had a decision to make Listen to people who rejected the kind of life I was interested in or try something new , and for me , that was living la dolce vita in Rome for a while and I chose the latter , and this set me up for a promotion when I returned to New York and later Italian citizenship .

I'm not saying you should ignore advice or charge ahead with no concern for others . I am saying your belief in yourself needs to be stronger than other people's doubts , and if you do something like start a business or a podcast or anything where you increase your visibility or it goes against the norm , you will have people who give you hate online .

Unfortunately , this is the price of admission these days . You have to dust yourself off and keep showing up for the people who believe in you and that includes yourself and you have to be willing to make mistakes . As Epictetus said , if you want to improve , you have to be okay with looking dumb in areas that don't matter .

He's saying that sacrificing short-term comfort is worth it if it helps you stay focused on what really matters Wisdom , integrity , inner progress , living by your values . That means letting go of your preoccupation with how you appear to other people and choosing virtue over validation .

And Carol Dweck agrees with him that we should sacrifice our egos for a more enriching life . To quote her from Self Theories again . If your intelligence can be increased , why not do that ? Why waste time worrying about looking smart or dumb when you could be becoming smarter ?

And in fact , students with this view will readily sacrifice opportunities to look smart in favor of opportunities to learn something new . End quote . Both Epictetus and Carol Dweck would likely agree that if you want to improve , you have to be open to appearing imperfect . If you want to achieve your potential , stop prioritizing external praise .

If you want to explore something new , you have to risk being misunderstood

. In my early 20s , I spent a summer in Siena . I was working on my thesis and wandering around medieval streets , and I met my friend Rana in a beginner Italian class . In Arabic , her name means eye-catching or glittering object . In Italian Rana means frog , and she found this hilarious . We did not have much in common aside from being American .

She was loud and adventurous . I was observational and I will give myself some credit . I was adventurous too , as long as the adventure didn't involve me looking stupid . Rana got me to do things like ride a motorino through the Tuscan countryside , which was as charming and dangerous as it sounds . She lived boldly and I admired that .

One evening we are sitting in Piazza del Campo , siena's medieval main square where everyone gathers at night , rana , beer bottle in hand , strikes up a conversation with the guys next to us . In Italian .

I don't say a word , not because I don't know how well I don't really , but even if the conversation had been in English , I probably would have been too shy to open my mouth . In fact I know I would have been . One of the guys actually asked why I wasn't talking and Ronna explained that I worried that I couldn't express myself the way I wanted to .

Or maybe she said that I worried that I couldn't express myself the way I wanted to , or maybe she said that I was too embarrassed by my Italian language skills . But I remember watching her and thinking how does she do this so easily ? Some people are so lucky to be born that extroverted and I still think that some people are wired to be more outgoing .

But I also now know that we can all become more easygoing and experimental and bold . We can all tap into our Rana energy , otherwise known as a stoic or growth mindset .

You might be afraid to try something new . Accept that this is normal and do the scary thing anyway . Learn from your mistakes . See them as growth opportunities , to quote Carol Dweck again from her book Mindset many growth-minded people didn't even plan to go to the top . They got there as a result of doing what they love .

It's ironic the top is where the fixed mindset people hunger to be , but it's where many growth-minded people arrive as a byproduct of their enthusiasm for what they do . This point is also crucial . In the fixed mindset , everything is about the outcome . If you fail or if you're not the best , it's all been wasted .

The growth mindset allows people to value what they're doing regardless of the outcome . End quote . It feels hard until it doesn't . And the beauty is in the toughness , that messy middle , that muck that we're struggling with . That is your brain rewiring itself as it acquires new knowledge . What do you want to learn this year ? What's holding you back from starting ?

What's one imperfect step you're willing to take today ?