What do you do when somebody makes you really mad ? Do you yell ? Do you calmly address the situation ? If you're like most of my clients , you'll get passive , aggressive or say nothing at all . In today's episode , I'm giving you four stoic solutions to help you manage conflict , including all that drama you just make up in your mind .
As my key turns in the door , my heart swells with sleepy joy . I will soon be in my own bed . Getting from my family's house in New England to my one-bedroom flat in old England takes about 20 hours of trains , planes , automobiles , security and passport control .
So when my artist friend , joe , who'd stayed at my place , texted that he'd cleaned my carpet as a way to say thanks , I imagined walking into a sparkling apartment and fresh linens to sink into . But as soon as I open the door , I know something is wrong . My vegetarian home reeks of fish .
I am not sure if it's cooking residue or the big black garbage bag leaking in the kitchen . Dishes wait for me in the sink . Coconut oil smears , the knives and spoons left on the counter , onion peels and other scraps litter the floor like peanut shells in a dive bar .
The scene reminds me of the time a squirrel slid down my grandmother's chimney and went berserk in her house chewing up her wooden banister along with some carrots . And I am not a neat freak . My motivation to clean usually comes when I'm procrastinating on something else . But this is too much even for me .
I put my shoes back on and walk the trash to the community bins . Then , instead of going to sleep , I get on my hands and knees and scrub the stench out of the wood flooring of my kitchen . So what am I going to say to Joe about this ?
I'm a pretty chill person , but there was a time when I would have flipped out over the situation Like what the F were you thinking ? Leaving my place like that ? That is so disrespectful . This is what I would have been thinking in my mind .
But , being highly conflict avoidant , I would have either said nothing , talked about him behind his back or never spoken to him again . Stoicism has taught me that this is not a rational response . When we get mad at someone , we often don't explore why we are angry . Instead , when we're triggered , we make snap judgments and declare that someone else is the jerk .
Stoicism tells us to pause , get curious about our thoughts and observe the bigger picture . Here are some dirty kitchen thoughts . He thinks he can take advantage of me . He doesn't respect me . He doesn't care about our friendship . He used me . Stoicism tells us to challenge the truth of these first impressions and accept or reject them based on rational thinking .
How you choose to think about your circumstance will determine your emotional state . I'll say that again because it's very important how you choose to think about your circumstance will determine your emotional state . My response to the Joe situation intrigues me . I'm not mad . Okay , I'm a little annoyed when I first walk in and it's stunk , but I'm not furious .
I don't take the state of my apartment as a personal attack , as if Joe's trying to hurt me . I'm more curious , like what was going on in his mind to leave the place like this , taking a moment to reflect . I know the mess has nothing to do with his respect for me . Most likely he was either careless or running to catch a train .
Either way , it has nothing to do with my character and zooming out , it's not a big deal . No one bombed my home . But I feel like I should say something to Joe . First I have to figure out , one , why I want to say something and two , what outcome do I want ? Well , a tiny part of me wants to tell him off .
That's not a good reason to talk to someone . I don't want the purpose of what I say to be unkind . Trying to hurt someone just does not align with my values . Here's a better reason to talk to Joe To help him preserve his future relationships by understanding that he should clean up after himself , in my opinion at least .
Maybe other people thought the way he left the apartment was totally fine . When Joe texts me , here's how I respond hey mate , thanks so much for cleaning the carpet , a task I wouldn't have thought to do myself .
I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your effort , but when I came back , I was surprised to find a bag of open garbage in my kitchen and food on the counter and on the floor . I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you were running to catch a train and didn't have time to clean .
I'm telling you this because I know that you respect other people and the next time you stay at someone's place I don't want you to give them the wrong impression . I'm glad that you relaxed while you were here and I hope your week is off to a good start . A few minutes later , joe writes back and apologizes .
He says he hadn't known where to put the garbage . I accept this and we move on with life . I'm still surprised by how fast conflicts can be resolved through dialogue .
As an introverted enneagram nine , I agonize when relationships feel out of alignment and historically I tried ignoring this kind of discomfort , but it would always be looping anxiously in the back of my mind .
As a communication coach , I've learned what to say during uncomfortable conversations , but it's stoicism that gave me the courage to say the words and the wisdom to see that my interpretation of events is mine alone . Was my conflict with Joe real or drama ? I created in my head A thought to challenge .
For the most part I can stay angry at someone if I try , but before stoicism I did stop speaking to a few people rather than have an uncomfortable conversation , and I wonder now what would have happened if I'd had the courage to talk to them , if I'd gotten curious about their intentions instead of just assenting to the idea that they betrayed me .
Back in my living room I pick up a winter solstice card that Joe left for me . In it he tells me that , after losing all his belongings , staying at my place felt therapeutic . When Joe was a kid . His mother's boyfriend burned their house to the ground . He lost everything .
Two other guys she dated ended up in prison for killing people , and when I see a teen mom smoking a cigarette and pushing a prem , I imagine Joe's life as a baby and my heart hurts . These days , joe lives off grid in the woods where he makes nettle tea in a home that he's slowly building himself .
His floors are literally dirt , so I forgive him for not noticing crumbs at my place , and while Joe didn't tidy the kitchen , it turns out that he washed my windows and made a few other home improvements . I put down Joe's card and , feeling a second wind , I decide to stay up until bedtime . This has all worked out for the best .
This is going to help me get over my jet lag and later , when I wrap myself in my duvet and close my eyes , I will give thanks for the simple pleasure of having a roof over my head . More importantly , I'll be grateful I could offer this comfort to a friend .