Our intentions don't always line up with our outcomes and misunderstandings lead to anger , sadness , frustration , conflict . In this episode , I will talk about intent versus impact which is more important and how to effectively and ethically communicate your intentions .
Hello , I'm Sarah Micatel , your Communication and Mindset Coach and Enneagram 9xBat , living in England as well as practicing stoic Now .
When I was little , I saw my dad spray paint some furniture outside and then later that week I saw those spray paint cans in our basement where my friends and I were riding around on tricycles and roller skates and somebody maybe me put two and two together and thought we should paint our bikes .
So the four of us , including my little sister , we opened up the cellar door and rolled our bikes into the front yard and this was secluded by trees .
People weren't really seeing what we were doing , who were driving by , and this was the 80s , when parents were still allowed to have lives , so they weren't around when we were spraying spray painting red , white and blue all over the place , streaking the air , streaking the grass .
I have a hazy memory of the reality of this painting , not matching up with the transformation that I had in my head of these bikes , but still this felt like art . We were taking color to the next level , we were improving the product and I imagined my parents saying wow , wow , you did that , can you do my car as well ? And for good measure .
I spray painted this metal rod that was supporting a telephone pole in our yard and then we decided to parade our bikes into the backyard . We knocked on the kitchen door and jumped around smiling and excited until we saw our parents' faces .
They were not pleased with their paint job and they also had company over , so I'm guessing they were embarrassed as well as angry with us , and I was a shy people pleaser as a kid .
So my afternoon of juvenile delinquency must have added to the shock for my parents , who are good people and might have a more laid-back reaction if my five-year-old nephew did something like this today . Most likely my parents don't even remember this incident , but I do . I remember how out of alignment their reactions were to my intentions .
I thought that they would be thrilled when they saw our spray painted bikes , but the answer is no . Was I wrong to do what I did , or did my intention to create something beautiful count for something ? In recent decades it's become very common to hear it doesn't matter what your intent was .
It's how you made me feel this is not a wise idea to hang on to . Intentions do matter way more than the outcome of what happens , according to the ancient Stoics , because while we can influence outcomes , they are not entirely in our control , so not always the best measure of our character .
For the Stoics , our moral worth is based on good intentions and the effort we make , which is entirely up to us . Your intentions reveal what kind of person you are .
If we want to enjoy healthy relationships and also to think rationally , so that life doesn't drive us insane , we need to keep our minds open to other perspectives , to listen to people and to forgive or apologize . Becky is jealous of her popular colleague , emily , who is giving a very important presentation . The next day .
Emily has spent weeks on this content and Becky encourages her to take a break . And as soon as Emily leaves to buy a sandwich , becky hops on her computer . She finds Emily's slide deck and she permanently deletes it . And when Emily comes back she's a little confused about where her file has gone .
But thankfully she has also saved her slide deck in the cloud and she downloads it without any problems . And the next day Emily gives a fantastic presentation and she doesn't even know that Becky tried to sabotage her . So is Becky guilty of something , even though her plan failed and Emily didn't suffer ?
A consequentialist who says it's the outcome that matters would say no , because Emily wasn't harmed . The law might say otherwise , because Becky accessed equipment that wasn't hers and she tried to delete company property . Stoics would say that Becky is guilty of living an unethical life and of harming herself .
Her vicious thoughts and actions reveal the quality of her character . The fact that Emily didn't lose her presentation doesn't absolve Becky of wrongdoing . Why you do what you do and the effort you put in to do it says more about you than the outcome . In Becky's mind . She probably wasn't even thinking about her intentions at all .
But thinking punishing thoughts like �Emily doesn't deserve to be liked so much more than me� . But if Becky had taken a step back and actually considered her intentions and what they reveal about her identity , she may have re-evaluated her plans If she considered the intention . My intent is to harm Emily . I'm the kind of person who harms people .
This sounds like a miserable life . So what is the end goal here ? To become popular like Emily . Is acting like this going to get you there and why do you want to be popular , becky ? Is it because you want more friends ? Becoming a friend worthy is much more likely to help Becky make friends than scheming .
Marcus Aurelius wrote �Such as your habitual thoughts , such also will be the character of your mind , for the soul is dyed by the thoughts� . In other words , the thoughts that you allow in your mind influence your character and the color of your soul . You are the accumulation of your thoughts and your actions . That's thoughts and actions .
It's not enough to intend to be a good colleague , partner , friend or whatever role is yours to play . Our actions need to back up these intentions . Consider the consequences of what you do or don't do when you're making decisions and follow through on good intentions . What do you want out of life ? What do you want right now ?
Who do you have to be to get this ? You've heard of to-do list . What's your to-be list ? Who do you want to become ? Name your intent and the identity associated with it . This will help you see things more rationally so you can make better decisions . Pam is a project manager and a client has just sent in some last-minute changes .
Pam wants to let her colleagues know , so she sends them an email saying �Hi , team , some last-minute changes have come through . Please prioritize these so we can make the deadline . We need everyone's undivided attention this week , so please adjust your schedules accordingly . Thank you so much , pam� .
Harry , one of the team members thinks Pam is implying that they don't usually give their full attention to the project . He shares his feelings with some coworkers and now they feel undervalued because of Pam's message . Harry goes to Pam and he tells her �We work really hard .
And now we wonder if you're seeing that , based on your message� , harry's reaction really surprises Pam . She had intended to be helpful by sharing the client changes right away In her mind . Her message had a �We are all in this together feel� . So she is offended that Harry was offended . Why was Harry assuming the worst in her ?
Before we talk about how to resolve this , I will say that Pam's company should coach its employees to assume positive intent , to reflect before they react and to be more emotionally resilient . And if you would like help with this kind of stoic communication and well-being training , please get in touch . I love doing this kind of work , sarahmycatelcom .
Back to Harry and Pam . So why might Harry be under the impression that Pam wanted to insult him . Several factors could be at play here Temperament Some people are just naturally wired to be more distrustful and stressed . Experience Harry may have a history of overly critical colleagues and bosses .
And also situation Harry may feel under tremendous pressure right now in his role , maybe in his family life . And there is also something called the fundamental attribution error .
Attribution theory says that we attribute people's behavior to internal factors , such as intentions what we're talking about today and also external factors , and that's things like traffic , things that are outside of our control . However , we often attribute other people's behavior to internal circumstances and our own behavior to external circumstances .
So he's late because he's lazy , but I'm late because my train was delayed . That is the fundamental attribution error . There is also theory of mind , and this is our ability to understand that we all have different perspectives , different intentions , values , etc .
We can't read each other's minds , but we often forget this and assume that if someone offends us , they intended to offend us . They must be thinking just like us and they know what's going to make us mad . And then we make the fundamental attribution error .
We assume somebody made us mad because they're a bad person , instead of considering what might be going on in their life , whether they actually intended to hurt us or whether we are wrong , and they didn't say anything offensive at all .
Of course the Stoics say we need to take a step back and realize that a lot of our first impressions of a situation are false impressions . Having said that , if your good intentions have unintended negative consequences , accept what happened and remedy the situation . When Harry comes to her , pam feels defensive , but she wisely reflects before she responds .
Okay , what is my role here ? Who do I want to show up ? As she decides . She wants to show up as a caring and competent leader of this project . She says to herself I value clear communication and being open to ideas and suggestions . So Pam sets the intention to listen to Harry with an open mind .
She appreciates that he came to her instead of stewing negative emotions by himself , and she considers her role in this misunderstanding . Pam decides that the wisest course of action is to address the situation in the team meeting . So at the beginning of the meeting she says Hi everyone . It's important that I clear something up .
My email from earlier today came across to some as questioning your dedication . I didn't intend for this tone of voice at all . I know how hard you work and I am just so grateful for each and every one of you .
My goal with that email was simply to alert you to changes and to say all hands on deck , we are in this together and I value each and every one of you . Cultivate thoughts that reflect the kind of person you want to be . Wisdom comes from learning from mistakes and adjusting your actions in the future .
Pam could have said you are all a bunch of babies Grow up , we are under a tight deadline and you're whining about an email as making our situation worse , but what outcome would that have resulted in ? What intention would she have been speaking from ? That wouldn't have helped anyone , including herself .
Instead of reacting out of emotion , pam showed up as a leader . She tried to see things from the other side . She listened , she clarified her intentions and she restored harmony to the team , and now she knows how to more effectively communicate with them next time . Responding this way is like taking care of the environment .
It is the right thing to do and it also just makes good business sense . After this conversation , pam and her colleagues literally felt much better . Science suggests that the way we perceive someone's intentions has an effect on our physical experience . There is a study called the power of good intentions .
Perceived benevolence soothes pain , increases pleasure and improves taste , and they wanted to see if what we think about a person's intentions can alter our perceptions of pleasure and pain .
In one of their studies , participants received electric shocks and they thought that they were receiving these shocks either by mistake , by a mean person on purpose , or by someone with good intentions who was shocking them so they had a chance to win a prize .
Participants felt the most pain from the shocks when they thought the intent was malicious the person was trying to hurt them . They felt the least amount of pain from the benevolent shockers . Those were the people who were trying to help them win money .
When we think somebody's being malicious , we feel worse , but if we think they've got our best interests at heart , the same circumstance can feel better . This comes in especially handy when giving somebody constructive feedback at work . Taylor hired a junior employee named Jordan who has just given his first presentation .
Jordan left out some important data and his slides didn't follow brand guidelines . Taylor wants to give Jordan feedback without discouraging him . Now the key is to frame positive intent .
If Taylor doesn't frame his good intentions or consider his words beforehand , the conversation risks going something like this Jordan , you forgot to include the data we needed in your presentation and the formatting was wrong . Did no one tell you how we usually present ? And then Jordan might respond oh , I spent hours on that presentation .
I wanted to share something new . Did you hate all of it ? Alternatively , taylor can emphasize the purpose of the conversation beforehand , which is to help Jordan . So Taylor could say Jordan , first off , I loved your enthusiasm that you brought to your presentation .
I can tell that you really care about your work and you have been such a valuable addition to the team . May I share some guidance to help improve your next presentation ? And Jordan will probably say sure , we have certain branding that we use . I'm sorry if nobody told you , but our slides need to adhere to that .
I also noticed that some key data from operations was missing . In response , jordan might say something like oh , I am so sorry that I forgot to include the operation slide . That won't happen again . As for the format , I was trying something new , but I understand if there's a standard deck to follow . That actually makes my life a lot easier .
By setting the tone and being clear on intentions , taylor and Jordan can have a much more productive conversation focused on Jordan's growth . To sum all of this up clean up your intentions before you communicate and your life is going to flow a lot more smoothly . This is the solution to half of life's problems .
You want the message people receive to be as close as possible to what you intended to say , but , as you know , a lot gets lost in translation . People make fundamental attribution errors . They filter our words through their own personality , their experience , their present situation . They forget that we can't read their minds .
Ideally , intentions lead to positive outcomes and socially , this builds trust between people . On the flip side , when you don't do what you say you're going to do or your actions have unintended consequences , relationships can really suffer . When you are communicating with people , consider how your message could be received and adjust to have the impact you want .
Before you speak , ask yourself what your intention is and what outcome you're seeking . Does this line up with your values and who you want to be ? Are your intentions having the impact that you want ? Are your actions aligned with what you say is important to you ?
This is what I love coaching people on , if you would like to feel and to also be seen as somebody who communicates with clarity , with confidence , with good intention . Go to sarahmygatellcom and book a free conversation with me . Together we can elevate your speaking style so you can have the influence and impact you want .
In the words of Lao Zhu watch your thoughts , they become your words . Watch your words , they become your actions . Watch your actions , they become your habits . Watch your habits they become your character . Watch your character , it becomes your destiny .