Hello, and thank you for joining incoming, where I help you sort through the crap that life throws at you, and tear down the roadblocks that you put in your own way. Hello, and welcome to incoming, I'm your host, Margie Avery. So we talk here a lot about finding happiness in life, getting through obstacles that we knowingly or unknowingly putting in our way. And we've been talking about professional life and work and some politics and
things like that. But today, I want to talk about something that affects everyone, relationships. And, specifically, today, I'm going to talk about relationships with our partners. And some of the things we do where we become our worst enemy to finding the right partner. And some of this feeds back into some things that we've already talked about. People putting up false images on social media. And why we do that, we're more focused on finding an audience than we are
on being who we really are. And finding our people. You know, it's not very hard to study a personality type, copy the behavior, repeat the lingo, and go out. And of course, that's going to attract those kinds of people in you think that that's what's gonna make you happy, because you've seen other people look and act and talk this way, and live this way. And these kind of neighborhoods and these kind of houses, and they looked happy. So maybe if you figure out how to replicate it, you'll
be happy. And I'm telling you, there is a good way to find happiness, because it isn't really you and eventually, that's going to show through. And eventually, you're going to have all of these things that you thought you wanted, but you're still going to be mentally unhappy. The way to be happy I keep repeating this, and I'm going to keep banging it like a drum on your heads is to embrace who you are to love who you are. And as long as that is not harmful to either you or
other people. There's nothing wrong with it, be you. We are not that unique in the scope of humankind. I promise you, there are other people out there like you. You know, whatever it is you may like if you like to sniff and taste good whiskies. If you like to hear BB bands, if you like to quilt, whatever it is, you're not a one off, there are other people out there like you. If your idea of a great weekend is snuggling on the couch, snacking on food and watching whatever television
you're not the only one. If your idea of a great weekend is to start with a five mile run at 5am on Saturday morning, followed by some calisthenics, I think you see where I'm going with this, you're not the only one, whatever it is, you'll find people out there that are like you and quit thinking that you have to change who you are, in order to find happiness and to find someone to enjoy that life
with you. One of the biggest things that I see or have seen in my life and in relationships, and experienced myself is people not being honest about who they are and what their expectation is in a relationship. And then being unhappy or angry with the person that they wound up with. As if it's that person's fault. It's not really their fault. Somewhere along the line, you spent a lot of time saying things were okay that really
weren't okay. You spent a lot of time pretending to be something that you weren't in order to get this person. And again, it's your choices, your decisions that put you where you are. Which is great because you can make different choices and be somewhere else. Now let me stop right there and clarify. I do not believe for one minute that people have to be carbon copies of one another in order for a relationship to work. In fact, not at all. But the core elements of making
a relationship work. Good communication. Which has to be very honest communication, not just attacks on each other, or setting the person up like you're trying to. They feel that they have to defend themselves like they're in a court of law. It's more about saying your honest feelings, your honest thoughts, what's really bothering you? And being prepared for whatever their
answer may be. Another key element is, if you know that this person has something, you know of interest that like, they like to get up at five in the morning and go for a run. And the thought of doing that makes you want to cry. You knew this about them when you met them, don't start complaining about it later on. That's completely unfair to them. Too many people go into a relationship in either consciously or subconsciously, they already know there are things that they aren't thrilled
about with this person. And consciously or subconsciously, they think they can change them. Well, don't get in a relationship with someone that you already want to change, first of all, and secondly, yeah, you might be successful for a minute, but eventually, probably their true character is going to come out or even better resentment toward you. Because you have made them change in so many ways. And another thing, I want to take a second and point out here, I am not a counselor,
I don't have any credentials. As such in this area. I'm just sharing with you what I've learned in 57 years of walking around this earth and having relationships with people as friends, or workers or neighbors or love interest, things that I've observed that, hey, you know what, maybe they haven't occurred to you things I wish someone had said to me. So with that out of the way, we'll get
back to this. You know, sometimes we meet people, and we are so attracted to them, and so caught up in them, that we immediately will do anything, to get their attention, to get them to want to be with us. And what that really comes down to is pretending to be something that you're not. And you're taking them? Well, I guess I would say that you are lying to them right out of the gate, you're giving them a false impression of
yourself. Because you have gauge what they find attractive, and you're trying to pretend to be that in order to get them. That one's never gonna work. Another one is, as you're in a relationship, of course, people change and they grow. And that's fine in sometimes you grow apart. And we need to understand that that's okay. And sometimes you need to recognize that and realize that it's time to move
on in life. You can't handle the changes or you've changed too much, or what you or they want out of life is no longer aligned with each other. It's okay, not every relationship is meant to last for life. And somehow inside we have this puritanical thinking that we are sworn to make it work and make it last for I don't know why because Don't do that to yourself. And don't do that to your partner. Sometimes things change and you can part amicably if you both
recognize that, accept it. And you know, just tap out call it. This isn't working anymore. It was great. But this isn't right anymore. And it's something anybody did wrong, we've just changed. A lot of people mess up on that one. It's a big, big, big bad one. Or they talked themselves into staying in relationships that are not fulfilling to anybody involved. Because we have kids, because of the money. You know what, folks? Kids are going to be expensive, any way you want to slice it or
dice it. And if you're both good, devoted parents, you're figuring out how to make it work financially together, you can figure out how to make it work financially, if you split up, there are ways to do it with reasonable people who have a similar goal, which is to take care of our children. Financially, you can figure that out. It is not healthy for anybody involved, not the kids, not you, not your partner, to be in a situation where people are mentally unwell mentally not
happy. And in the end, it's going to do a lot more damage than good. So don't try to convince yourself of that. Another one that I see people of every age bracket mess up on his cheating. You know, when I was a kid, which would have been in the 70s. For some reason, cheating was romanticized. It was Go back and look at some television shows and listen to some music from that time period. It was really romanticized. And it was very confusing to me as a child and I was a grown up before I set that
all straight in my head. Some people still romanticize it. But more than anything, and this is something I really have zero tolerance for is cheating. Here's the thing, the moment that you meet someone else, or that you have these thoughts that you enjoy talking to someone else, more than your partner that you enjoy being around someone else more than your partner, and you're starting to think you want to do
more than just that. That is the moment that you need to go talk to your partner and alert them what's going on with you that you've lost interest or that you're finding an interest in other people, and let them make a similar choice. Not doing so is my problem with cheating, because it is incredibly selfish act, it's fine. If you want to go sleep with other people, it's fine if you want to go spend time with other people. But it is not fine for you to waste time out of your partner's life.
Making them believe that you're together exclusively, when you're not, and not giving them the same opportunity to decide, okay, I guess I'll go see other people too. It is an incredibly, incredibly selfish thing to do. If you do not want to be exclusive with someone, let them know that. And let them decide if you're the person that we're looking for or not. And if it is decided that, okay, we are not exclusive, we're going to go out with other people were going to
hook up with other people. That is a very grownup scenario you're in, do not turn around and act like a juvenile, an adolescent, and get angry at your partner, when they in fact, do go out with other people. That is manipulation. That is, as I said, very juvenile. And you don't really belong. In a relationship, that's this grown up. If you have decided that this, okay, we're not exclusive. That means both of you get to see other people, both of you get to hook up with other
people. If you realize that's not for you, and again, communicate, tell the other person I've changed my mind. I don't know if I want to be exclusive with you. But I want to be exclusive with someone. Again, communication and honesty about what you want out of a relationship, what your expectation is. And if that has changed, since you first met that person, let them know. So that they know what they're
currently agreeing to. And then we get down to the truly unhealthy relationships, the ones that are physically or mentally abusive, the ones that are dangerously toxic. And, you know, I'll tell you an interesting thing. The human body is made to adapt. It's how we survive. And it's an amazing feature of the human body. But the downside to that is, it kicks in automatically. When we are in dangerous situations, unhealthy situations, it's the body's way of protecting itself
and surviving. So it kicks in and the next thing you know, you're finding a way to tolerate behavior, bad situations in order to get through them, your brain comes up with ways to get through. Your body comes up with ways to get through and here's the thing. You have to be aware that you don't always have to find a way to adapt and get through something. There are horrible times in life. Yes,
when you're ill. And when you know people who are soldiers who are in war zones, people who are living in horrible countries under horrible situations. I mean, there are Yes, things in life where we want that reaction in our body. We want to be able to adapt and survive. But there are other times when you have to stop and say to yourself, wait a minute, why am I figuring out a way to adapt to this, I can just leave this situation. And I talked about this often with
jobs. And I'm glad to see that there's a greater awareness coming about in society and American society about that but that is the case in your personal life, too. Now it may not be something that can happen tomorrow may not be something that's easily done. But it can be done. Once you set your mind that that is a goal to get out of this situation. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, it's not going to be easy. It's very difficult sometimes to extricate ourselves from
situations. Even with a job, I talk in other episodes about how you have to plan and things you may have to do to make that change. And in relationships, that's not all that different, you have to come up with a plan that works. And I realize if you have kids in these situations, that can be even more difficult, but there is a way to do it. Start down that path. You don't have to be with someone for the money, you can live on less money. Who cares how much money they have, it's not worth your
mental or physical health. Go get a job at McDonald's if you have to, and rent the cheapest thing you can find until you can get on your feet successfully. If you're with somebody with huge money, guess what? That money is not going to replace your mental health. Whatever the situation is, do not just naturally adapt when you find yourself that instinct of adapting, kicking in stop and ask yourself, wait a minute, do I really need to put the energy into finding a way to adapt to
this? Or is this something that I can just have gone from my life. And I can put the energy into figuring out a way to do that, rather than figuring out a way to live with it. Those are the kinds of things I want you to put thought into. But it all comes back to the same thing. Thinking about you for just a minute, and thinking about what you want out of life, what you want out of that relationship with this partner. And what
would really make you happy. And I always go back to sometimes the best thing to do is put pencil to paper or digital list. If that's your thing, or a mental list, whatever your way of doing that is, make a list of the things that you are not happy with the things that you don't like and really be honest with yourself about them. Are you being petty? Are you being picky? And if that's the case, why are you doing that?
Is there some other underlying bigger issue that's making you complain about these silly things like leaving dirty dishes in the sink, the classic, leaving dirty clothes on the floor rather than putting them in a hamper. You know what I'm talking about? It's possible, you're a personality type that those things really take you over the falls. And that's okay.
But if you look at your list, and you realize you've got a list of kind of petty things that knowing yourself wouldn't normally make you feel like, I hate this, I want out of this. Try to look because often there are bigger, underlying issues that are making us pick nitpick
at these little things. Now, another thing, though, is, beyond being honest about your list, if you look at the things that you're unhappy with in that relationship, and you start to recognize a trend like the Oh yeah, this is really how did I ever get here? Leave. But that list becomes kind of a guideline for what you do want in a relationship. But you got to be careful with that one too.
In this instance, because I have known people that told me that when they left one relationship and got into a new one, that they didn't truly assess the new person, they just sort of looked in the criteria was, okay, this person does not do these things that the last person did that I hated. So that makes them good. And then as they got in, they found a whole nother group of things that they didn't like. So
be careful not to do that. Don't just look for someone who is missing the bad qualities in your current relationship or your last relationship. really figure out what it is that you want. What are the things that are important for you? How do you picture yourself living a happy life every day in a relationship with somebody? So in this instance, it's partly a list like I always say a things that you don't want. But you have to really think about those issues and figure out what they
mean to you. What what If you really do have a problem with somebody who doesn't put their dirty clothes in the hamper, and leaves dirty dishes in the sink, maybe the real thing is you like to live in a tidy organized together environment that makes you feel happy controlled, it doesn't make your brain feel scattered. Some people cannot live in a cluttered environment, it makes them a little bit crazy inside. So maybe that's the
bigger problem. So be careful, because you don't want to go find somebody that oh my god, he or she actually puts their dirty clothes in the hamper. And they don't leave dirty dishes in the sink. But, you know, maybe they do other things in the house, that fall in line with your real underlying issue that you need order, and you need tidiness. And that's okay that you're like that. But find someone who feels
that same way. Because sometimes, you know, in the silly examples I'm getting you, you find somebody who, okay, they don't care about a dirty dish in the sink. But they like their desk really neat. They like their bed made every day. So that's suddenly maybe halfway to being where you're at where you like it all, in order. So I hope it's a good enough example that to really sort through and think on your list of things that you're not happy with, why they bother you what the
underlying reason is. and use it as a guideline to formulate what it is you really want. What it is, that's really making you feel dissatisfied in your current relationships, or in former ones, and use that as a guideline to go and find someone. That is what you're looking for. And it starts with being who you are, all the time. Of course, we're all on a first date, maybe on a little better behavior than then on the 10th
date. But essentially, don't go in a costume dress, how you dress, for whatever venue, you're going out with this person the first time, be who you really are. And if you're in a state of mind, that isn't how you normally are. It's just how you're feeling at the moment, let them know that but be as honest and open as you can with this person and with yourself about who you really are. And you know what it will begin to attract people like that. It's
that simple. You know, if I'm looking for a house, and I absolutely know that I do not want a two story home, I am not going to go look at two story homes, I am going to go look at ranches only. So if someone advertises a house for sale, and misleads me into thinking that it's a ranch, and it's not, I'm going to end up being very disappointed with the house, it's not going to be a good outcome for either of us. And it's a very, really kind of
ridiculous example. But I hope it kind of illustrates my point. If you advertise who you truly are, the kind of person you truly are, how you really live your life. It's going to be very easy for the people that you go out with and people that you meet, to decide if you're someone that they want to take the next step with or not. And hopefully they're doing the same. So that's my thoughts on relationships, we're probably going to cover this topic again
down the line. But this is all part of how you can get past your own roadblocks in life, and that is one that we all do. We're our own worst enemy when we're trying to find what we want in life because we're too busy putting out the wrong image. So if you want to be happy anywhere in life, it starts with you. It starts with you, knowing yourself being okay with that loving yourself and putting that honest image of you out there. Then no one can say you lied. If they lied, then
that's on them. But no one can say you misled them. They knew. You know, you were a exercise freak vegan animal rights documentary loving person when they met you. You don't want to hear any complaints about it later on. So I hope you have a good day. Enjoy the rest of your day. And please join me next time on incoming