Hour 2: Healing From Life’s Deepest Hurts

about God? And are you not in a moment of awe and wonder or looking out over the vast expanse of an ocean and you start thinking, what is man, that thou art mindful of him? And it makes you

wonder about the magnificence of God? I think that sense of wonder was put there on purpose, and this wonderful book includes a composite of multiple authors who have written from their perspective as a scientist, or a historian, or a mathematician or an artist, on why they all have this sense of awe through the work that they do. In other words, the heavens declare the glory. And as it tells us in Romans, we are really without excuse

because his handiwork is everywhere. And this book invites you to walk through the chapters written by people who all have a sense of awe and wonder when it comes to God through their various disciplines in life. It's an amazing book and it's yours. For a gift of any amount, just call 877 Janet 58. That's 877 Janet 58. Ask for a copy of Have You Ever Wondered? And we'll send it right off to you as my way of

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but God looks on the heart. So you and I can't necessarily tell by looking at somebody that they have a broken, bruised or wounded heart, that they're carrying pain for decades in their backpack for life. And yet, how are we supposed to comfort them if we don't know? How are they themselves supposed to find healing and joy and restoration and hope? And yet we live East of Eden. These are the hallmarks of what it's like walking out

of the garden. Sin sick, fallen world, and pain and trauma and hurt are all a part of this world. So I am so thankful that there are people who want a heart like Jesus's, and he had compassion on them. How many times in the New Testament does it say that I get a lump in my throat every time I read it? If I want a heart like his? It means one of the hallmarks has to be a heart filled with compassion, understanding that they are hurting people out there and wanting to know that people who hurt

can be healed. But it takes commitment. It takes grace, it takes mercy, it takes time. And I'm so very grateful that God raises up people who teach us how to do just that. And Kimberly here is just one such person. She is a survivor of domestic violence. She's a licensed professional counselor. She's a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly two decades of experience helping others find healing and wholeness in their life. She has an Ma

in Marriage and Family Therapy from Southern Nazarene University. She's a featured co-host on Oasis Radio Network, and her therapy practice is located in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where she continues to inspire hope and strengthen those and strength in those facing life's challenges. So she joins us today because Kimberly has a brand new book out. It's called healing from Life's Deepest Hurts Reclaiming Your Life After Grief, loss, and Trauma. Now, do you understand why I said, I hope this is

going to be an hour of encouragement? Because out of that whole title, you know what the most important word is? Reclaiming residing within the parameters of that word is the hope and the belief that you can find joy and peace again. And if you don't hear anything else that our. I hope you hang on to that because it can take place in your life. How do I know? Because we have a great and glorious God. Kimberly, thank you

so much for joining me. There's a sneak peek in your bio, and I know that probably a lot of people want to start by asking you this question, but I want to ask you this question for a couple of reasons. Number one, because I believe that the most powerful teachers we have are the ones who have both ethos and pathos. Ethos is you got the book learning. It's right there between your ears. You got all the smarts,

you got a bunch of initials after your name. But the pathos means, yeah, I got the book learning, but I also got the bruises and I can tell you exactly what you're feeling because I've been there before. And if God can heal me, I want you to know he can heal you as well. So part of your bio right out of the gate is a survivor of domestic violence. Tell me about your story.

husband had been in an affair. And at that point, I knew that I could no longer stay in my marriage. And so I made the decision to file for divorce. But I also made the decision to stay single for four years because our youngest children were still in high school. And so I told my ex-husband, I said, you know, you get your life together four years from now. If you've got your life right, figure things out. Maybe there would be a day we could reconcile. But between now

and then, I'm going to be just mom. And four years came and went. And I knew that it was 2017. I woke up and something inside me said, this is the year you're going to be married again. And I knew my ex-husband had not made the changes that I needed, and so I began to date. I began to make myself available, um, you know, just to kind of start a new life for myself. And I met a man on April 1st, which was April Fool's Day, and I knew almost immediately, this is the man I was going

to marry. Now, we saw each other almost every day for a month, but it had been a great month. During that time, he had asked me and told me he knew he wanted to marry me. In fact, he was an engineer and it was kind of funny. He told me that he had asked Google how long you need to know somebody before you know you're in love. And I thought, okay, that is definitely the engineer brain that wants to statistics and data. And and I was very upset when I learned, I think Google told him

six months and I was like, well, ask Siri. Um, so so he told me, though, he said, you know, I want to marry you. And I know it wasn't a question, so I wasn't going to embarrass myself. I wasn't going to say yes. Um, but we both knew that that's where we were headed. In the meantime, it had been a full month of dating, and my ex-husband called me and he asked me to come and talk to him about our children. That was not in common. We had talked many times before, and when I went

to see him, he made a comment. He started talking about wanting to get back together with me, and I said he needed to move on because I had moved on and he said, Maybe I'm going to have to go talk to this man. And I didn't know necessarily what that meant because I didn't know he knew who this person was. I didn't think, you know, he knew where he lived. But unbeknownst to me, my ex-husband had been stalking me. And so when I left his home,

I called this man. His name was Andrew. I called Andrew, and I said, can I come by your house and talk to you just for a minute. It was like 9:00 at night and I, you know, talked to him about the conversation my ex-husband and I had had. I said he said he might have to come talk to you. And I said, I am so sorry, but I hope he's not going to embarrass me. And little did I know, within 24 hours Andrew was going to be not just fighting for me, but he was going to actually be fighting for his life.

God uses so much in the world around us to point to him. Our sense of wonder is really about knowing him. That's why I've chosen. Have you ever wondered, as this month's Truth tool? This book is for all who have looked up at a million stars in the night sky and just wondered, ask for your copy of. Have you ever wondered when you give a gift of any amount to in the market, call 877 Janet 58. That's 877 Janet 58 or go to in the market

with Janet Parshall. We are visiting with Kimberly Hauer, who's a licensed therapist specializing in trauma recovery, and she's written the book healing from Life's Deepest Hurts Reclaim Your Life After Grief, loss, or Trauma. And I want to pick up your story exactly where you left off. 23 years. Married to a man. Pattern of infidelity 2013. It's a reality. You decide to divorce him. You say, I'm going to just be a mom for four years. You do that,

you meet a man named Andrew and that four year period. Kimberly. Were you aware at all? And you said this in our last segment together that he had been stalking you? You'd stayed in contact because you said you talked about having conversations about the kids, but did you know it was going beyond the conversations with the kids that he was actually aware of? The fact that you were dating this man named Andrew?

lock your bedroom door. I had no reason to. I was not scared. I, you know, obviously I locked my house door, but it was not my practice to lock my bedroom door. But I got up, I locked the bedroom door, got back in bed, and I fell asleep. And at 230 in the morning, I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door crashing down off the hinges. My ex-husband had broken into my home. He was intoxicated. He had a gun in his hand. And for the next four hours I, I went through four hours of assault.

And when those four hours were done, he told me that as punishment for ruining his life, he was going to kidnap me and he was going to make me go with him to Andrew's house, and I was going to have to watch him murder Andrew. Mhm. And so I, you know, and I have to say that my, my therapeutic background actually really helped me stay calm through a lot of this because, because some things said, okay, you know,

pay attention to what he's saying. And actually the very first thing he said to me when he broke into my bedroom was he told me he had come from killing my mother and father. Now, he had not, but I didn't know that. And so right away, my brain was just giving me orders. And I told myself, you can grieve that later. For right now, just pay attention to his words. And then I prayed, God, keep me alive for my children because they're going to need me. So he he kidnapped me and I went with him

at gunpoint to Andrew's house. When we got there, I watched as he reached into the back seat, got a gun loaded up with some bullets, and he looked over at me and he said, now you can go do whatever you need to do. And he left the keys in the ignition of the vehicle. And so I watched as he mounted the three steps going up to Andrew's house. Um, there was a lead glass door, a big oval, you know, lead glass window in the front of the door. And I heard three gunshots. And I knew there was no

way Andrew was going to survive this. So I jumped into the the past or not the passenger, the driver's side of the vehicle. And I escaped to a 24 hour supercenter. Ran in, screamed call 911. And I was taken to a warehouse to wait for a police officer in an ambulance to come and get me. And when the police officer came, he said, okay, follow me. And I told him, I said, I need to go to that vehicle that I came in and I need to get my cell phone because I wanted to call my family.

I wanted to let them know what had happened so they didn't see it on the news. And when I went to the passenger door of the vehicle and I opened the door, my ex-husband was sitting behind the steering wheel. He had walked the the 4 to 6 blocks and and he had a gun pointed at me. And so within just moments I had, you know, a human shield of police around me. And my ex-husband was apprehended. I was taken to an emergency room where, you know, for the next 4 to 6 hours, I was, you know,

went through exam after exam, question after question. But during that time, I did learn that Andrew had been shot ten times. And I learned that because his adult son I had met, he had three children and I had met one of his children. His adult son called my phone who my adult daughter answered and he said, hey, we wish your mom the best. Our dad is touch and go in and out of surgeries, but we really think they need to go their opposite ways. And so

I couldn't find Andrew. He was under an assumed name in the hospital. And so I you know, I left the emergency room that day not knowing if I'd ever see Andrew again.

phone number out of his phone. And so all his message said was, hey, I'm alive. And I thought, how do you respond to that? And I said, you know, I am so glad. And I went on to explain how sorry I was about the things that had happened. But I wanted him to know that I had not led my ex-husband to his home. I was not a part of that. And he was getting ready to go in for a surgery. And I said, can I come

see you? And he said, no, I need to get through this surgery and I will contact you after the weekend. And he ended his text with words, take care. And I thought, what does take care mean?

for you. Whatever your circumstances are. So we're going to take a break and come right back and find out the rest of the story. And then you're going to be encouraged to discover that there is a way to just do that. Reclaim your life after whatever trauma you've gone through back after this. Kimberly Hara is with us, author of the book healing from Life's Deepest Hurts Reclaiming Your Life After Grief, loss, or Trauma. It adds gravitas, does it not? To what Kimberly has written in her

book because of what she's gone through. So take care. Our Andrews last words to you as he sends this text message, this messenger message to you. He's about to go into surgery again, and it would be real normal, it seems to me to be able to say, take care is a sign off. Don't contact me again. What happened?

He said, I have seen the felony counts against, you know, your ex-husband. I know what happened to you and you are really going to be messed up. And he goes, I know what happened to me. He goes, I was shot ten times and I'm going to be really messed up. And something just came over me and I shook my finger in his face and I said, Andrew Harr, you will never meet another woman like me. And four weeks later we were engaged and four months later we were married.

And that has now been eight years, and they have been some of the sweetest years of my life.

anyone affected by trauma. so that powerlessness is something that you feel for a very long time, and you really just have to work through that, remind yourself of what you can control. And and that's a part of the healing.

they actually accepted me very graciously. And we have we have a beautiful family with we've blended his three children, my four children, some of them are married, so we've got like 11 adult children and three grandchildren. We're a little bit like the Waltons.

that when everything happened, I had so many emotions. You know, I felt in one hand I felt abandoned by God because I was like, God, why would you let something like this happen? But then I also knew that I had to run to God, because if I only relied on myself, I was in trouble. And so my faith really was my anchor. Even in my first marriage, you know, faith was very important, which is one of the reasons

I stayed as long as I did. I, you know, I think it's very often heard in the Christian world, you know, believe, believe, believe. God will restore. God will restore. And he does. And I do believe that. But we need more teaching on things like boundaries. And God doesn't want us in abusive, you know, or infidelity relationships. God can heal things, but you've got to have two people that want to make something work. So God has always

been such a foundation. And you know, Janet, God was so there was such a beautiful moment in, um, right after I had gone through the four hours of assault, I was laying on my bed and I felt a presence in the room, and it was like it was a sad presence, but I just recognized that this had to be the presence of God. And in that moment, all fear left me. And it was you mentioned earlier, Psalm 23, the valley of the shadow of death. It says that God will be with us in it. And

fear left me. And I knew in that moment that if I died, I would not have died alone, because I knew God was there holding my hand.

you how when we get back. We live in complicated times and in the market. We're helping you interpret complex cultural issues through the lens of Scripture. Our team of partial partners is growing. And to say thank you, they receive exclusive information from me. In fact, I talked to you directly from my personal computer to yours by email. Become a partial partner today and you'll receive these exclusive benefits. Call 877 Janet 58 or go online to in the

market with Janet Parshall. If you're just joining us, I'm so glad you're here, but I got to tell you something. You are going to want to hear the first half of this conversation, and you can do that. Just go to wherever you find your favorite podcast. Download in the market with Janet Parshall. Put in today's date and our conversation with Kimberly are absolutely riveting story, but a declaration of what trauma is, what it does, what it looks

like and opens the door for healing. And Kimberly should know she's a survivor of domestic violence, a licensed professional counselor, a licensed marriage and family therapist, nearly two decades of experience helping others find healing and wholeness. She has an Ma in Marriage and Family Therapy from Southern Nazarene University, is a featured co-host on Oasis Radio Network, and her therapy practice is located in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where she inspires

and helps others on a regular basis. Her brand new book is called healing from Life's Deepest Hurts Reclaiming Your Life After Grief, loss, and Trauma. So, so many things running through my head after this story. Literally, it reads like a movie script, except it's reality. And who would have thought that a you'd deal with the trauma of infidelity? You make this tough choice. But a wise choice, I think in retrospect of saying for years, I'm just going

to step away from any relationship. I'm going to be a mom. You meet this gentleman by the name of Andrew. Your ex goes after him, plugs him ten times, fighting for his life. Long story short, you and Andrew get engaged and married. You've been now married. Hence eight plus years. It would have been you had multiple opportunities in that story with so many layers to say I'm a victim. I want you to feel sorry for me. And this is how I'm going to identify, because we're all about

self-identification these days. So, hey, why not? I'm going to be a victim now for the rest of my life. Why did you choose not to label yourself a victim?

would say, victim sign here. And there was a little red arrow where I was supposed to sign, and something would always not sit right with me because I knew that while I had been victimized, I did not want the label of this is this is the end of my story. And I knew that I didn't know how I was going to heal, but I knew I was making a decision that no matter what it took, I

was going to heal. And and I think that that's really where so much of our healing begins is we don't know how we're going to heal, but we have to make that choice of, I know I want to heal.

better therapist because of it. And then my oldest daughter said, mom, do you remember what you said to me in that emergency room? And you have to understand, my face was bloodied, I was unrecognizable, and I said, no, I don't remember what I said. And she goes, mom, you looked at me and you said, promise me you will not let this make you bitter. And sitting in that emergency room, I didn't know how I was going to heal. I had a bunch of emotions, I was angry, I was scared,

I was numb, but yet I knew. Whatever it is, I'm going to do the hard work to heal.

heal from this. And that same day, my ex-husband, actually, after the four hours the intoxication was wearing off him, and he looked down into my bloodied face, and I think he recognized the gravity of what he had done. And he looked at me and he said, tell me the truth. I've gone too far. You could never forgive me. And I paused for a moment, and I knew that I did not want to be labeled as unforgiving and bitter and hurt and angry, and that wasn't going to

be the end of my story. And so the very last words I ever spoke to my ex-husband were, I looked up into his face and I said, yes, you have gone too far. But I want you to know that I will forgive you. And those were the last things I ever said to him.

us apart. But we each you know, I had to do so much of the emotional healing, as did Andrew, but he had more physical healing because he underwent, I think it ended up being like 13 surgeries. So we both came from different places, but all I can say is the hand of God was on it. And and in the beginning I really I tried to take control. I can be a little bit of a control freak, and I tried telling the Lord what he needed to do, when he needed to do it and how he needed

to do it. And I told him, I said, and it would make such a great testimony. And and then I would say, but, Lord, I'm going to trust you. And and when I really got real with that, I told the Lord, I'm scared to trust you. Because what if you don't give me what you want? What I want? And I got to a place where I said, Lord, I am so scared to trust you. But even that was a choice. It was not a feeling because I did not feel like trusting. I did not feel like surrendering.

But it was a choice. And it was a little bit like David in Psalms, when he would make a declaration and he would say, bless the Lord, O my soul. I would tell myself, I am going to trust the Lord on this, and it doesn't mean I felt like it. And sometimes I had to tell myself 100 times a day I would have to say, okay, I'm I'm going to trust him. And then I try and take it back again and I'd remind myself, no, I am choosing. I am going to trust my Heavenly Father.

freedom for me to choose my attitude and you. Early on, after you'd been brutalized in the ER face, unrecognizable, traumatized with a capital T 14 capital teas. By the way, you've been traumatized. And yet even in that space, you talked about forgiveness. Now, that doesn't happen coming out of your motions, because every single part of our ID says, I'm not going to forgive you at all. In fact, if anything, I want to lunge at you and take your throat out with my teeth. But you started making

a volitional choice about forgiveness. You write in the book that forget about healing. If you don't have forgiveness in this mix, it's going to be an exercise in futility. Talk to me about that.

roller coaster. And when I made the decision to forgive, it doesn't mean that I felt it because I did not feel it. I was furious, I wanted my ex-husband in in jail that night. I wanted him to go to prison. But I will say that that night I. I knew I was going to forgive. I did not want to not forgive. And I prayed for my ex-husband that night. I prayed that he wouldn't be scared in jail, and I prayed that the angels would surround him and he would feel their presence. And not because I was

in love with my ex-husband because I was not. Uh, but it was more, Lord, I'm just asking you where he's going. He's going to be gone a really long time. become real to him, because I knew God didn't love me any more than he loved my ex-husband. And that was really the first step, was saying, I don't know how I'm going to forgive, but I'm going to want to want to forgive. And and it's just that one baby step after another.

Kimberly Hauer's with us. Your book is called healing from Life's Deepest Hurts Reclaiming Your Life After Grief, loss, and Trauma. Back after this. Healing from Life's Deepest Hurts is the new book by Kimberly Hauer, who's a survivor of domestic violence as well as a licensed professional counselor. And we got to the point in our conversation where we recognized that healing is impossible without forgiveness. But it's not just

the word. It's that transcendent recognition we have as followers of Christ that forgiveness has to be a part of this because Christ directs us to be able to do that. But now that's I understand that vertically, but horizontally I have to put shoe leather into this. What does that look like in its application?

And it's it's really again, I keep saying that choice, but it's so important that so often people think I have to feel like I want to forgive. And in the beginning, in the beginning, I would, you know, I would say out loud, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive. And one of the practical things we can do is when our brain wants to replay everything that happened, where we ruminate on it, and we stir up the anger and we stir it up, that actually keeps it going.

And so when we can actually catch those thoughts and say, you know what? Hey, it wasn't fair. It wasn't okay. But I'm choosing to make a choice to not seek revenge, not seek punishment. And I'm going to turn that over to my Heavenly Father, because you know what? You used the word before about compassion. And you know, when Jesus was hanging on the cross, he could have said all those same things. It's not fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this. And yet he gave us an example

of how to forgive. He says, bless those that curse you. Not blame those. And so it is a it is a walking out. It's like the layers of an onion. It is. You know what? Today I'm going to walk through forgiveness. And tomorrow, when I remember it and I want to get stirred up, I'm going to forgive again for the same thing. And I'm going to do that until I get to that bottom layer. And when my brain reminds me, the pain isn't there.

you do something? So how do we rebuild the trust with God?

And I like to give an example of of kind of trust, because I am often asked, why does God allow bad things to happen? And I don't have some cookie cutter answer for that. But I'm reminded of when my middle daughter, I took her for her immunizations before she went to kindergarten. This is, you know, almost 30 years ago. And she looked up at me with crocodile tears. And she kind of was like, mom, why are you

letting this happen? This is this is painful. And I remember looking in her eyes saying, look into my eyes. I am not going anywhere. I am right here. Hold my hand. You are not going through this alone. And I think that when we allow ourselves to be honest with God in our struggle and we allow ourselves to feel that wooing of him, it's like he is saying, look into my eyes, hold my hand tight. I am not going anywhere. I am your ABBA father. And so

some of that is it. You know, in the very beginning I told the Lord, I am so empty I can't even pray. And those first few days I laid face down on a cement floor under a pergola. And I said, Lord, I know in Zephaniah there's a scripture that says, you sing over us. And I said, I am asking you to sing life back into my body, sing life back into me, because I don't have words. And little by little It's like I would let praise and worship music, the words. I just let it become

a prayer and fill me up and. And rather than taking our anger out at God and running away, it's really going to him and letting him be our shelter and doing it in. It's not a fast process. It's just saying, Lord, I'm just showing up. I may be mad, but I'm showing up.

and awful this is. And perhaps it's something that they experienced 30 years ago, and they've been dragging it like a backpack full of boulders for their life, thinking that somehow if they just don't identify it, if they just don't tackle it, if they don't deal with it, if they leave it in their emotional closet and deadbolt the door, they can just get on with life. Talk to that person. What would you say?

Or our life will never get better. And there is no person that is beyond the reach of Jesus. There is no story too hard that God can't redeem. And I like to say I felt so much in the early days. I felt like I was Humpty Dumpty that had fallen off the wall. All the king's horses, all the king's men couldn't put me back together again. But then I went to the King of kings. And the King of kings is a master at making beauty from our ashes.

get your own copy. In the meantime, Kimberly, thank you for a wonderful conversation. Lord bless you friends. We'll see you next time.