Howie Mandel: How to Thrive in Chaos | E126

today is Howie Mandel. Howie is an actor, producer, author and one of the funniest comedians of all time, among many other television roles, he spent six years on the hit TV show. St elsewhere created the hit children's cartoon series. Bobby's world was the host of the hit TV game show, Deal or No Deal, which aired for eight seasons and has been a judge on my favorite TV show, America's Got Talent for the last 19 years. Howie is also the author

of the book. Here's a deal Don't touch me, which chronicles his lifelong struggles with depression, anxiety, OCD and ADHD. Last year, he released a documentary titled Howie Mandel. But enough about me, and he has a new show premiering on YouTube on July 4, called when a stranger calls Howie. Thanks for being here. Welcome to In Search of Excellence. Well,

a bar Hotel. Then the last thing that he was doing before he passed and I worked with him in was commercial lighting, and ultimately it was phone sales. We did really well. He did really well. And in that my parents, I grew up middle class, but they did, you know, and I grew up in an apartment and shared a room with my brother, both my parents ended up financially doing well, really close to when I left home, so I like to feel that I was holding

them back. No, my, my, my father's business took off, the lighting business, and my mother became the number one sales, real estate sales, condo sales, person in Canada, right when I left

dryer. I'm old. Before people had electric dryers in their homes or gas dryers in their homes for laundry, he discovered people hung their clothes out on the clothesline. Right? Do you remember that they were clothes? I don't

hang your clothes along. It was called Zip grip, and I remember sitting in the living room for hours. We would pack little little folders, or little cards and folders, because we were going to do a mailer. Because everybody. Was going to want a zip grip. Who wouldn't want a zip grip, but it was exciting.

It didn't, it didn't really take off, but the expectation and the excitement and, you know, he was always like this entrepreneur who wanted to, you know, find the next big thing, water softeners, you know, just a new way. Bought a hotel in Stratford, Ontario, the home of the

normal. I remember going one day he had this one dancer called Princess glow, who weighed 350, pounds, and she would take a big bubble bath in a giant champagne glass on stage and then get out of the bubble bath, not gracefully, and walk around the room and drop her soapy, wet giant breast on people's heads, but it drew from far and wide. I would imagine more people enjoyed that than Hamlet. It probably

and whatnot. And I've, I've always had kind of an inner struggle, but my family always loved comedy, and my dad would bring home albums and or they would watch the Tonight Show, and they would watch, you know, comedians, they love, stand up comedy, and I'd hear somebody talk, and then there'd be laughter. And I would gravitate toward the laughter because that felt like a comfortable, warm, fun place to be. Wherever you hear laughter, there's good

things going on. So I and I would go into the living room and they'd be listening to an album, or watch a comedian on TV and and which made me feel somewhat alienated, because I as a as a four year old or a five year old, I wouldn't understand. You know, a guy making jokes about a mother in law, and I don't know what a mother in law is. I didn't understand. My parents would laugh, and I would turn around and kind of in dismay, going, what's so funny.

But on one particular evening, which I think you're alluding to, is they were watching candid camera, and candid camera was, you know, the predecessor to punk and everything else you see about hidden camera pranks. And candid camera was actually started as a as a radio show where people would do pranks on people, but candid camera was on, and Alan Funt was the host of candid camera. I think he's the creator of the hidden camera

prank. But on this particular episode, I heard my parents laughing in the living room, and went in. They were watching Candid Camera. I sat at their feet. They were on the couch, and he came on, Alan Funt came on and said, Here's what I'm going to do. This is a fake office, this desk you're looking at, and I'm going to pretend I'm the boss. We're going to hire so called receptionists. These young ladies are going to come in and think they have this part

time job. I'm going to tell them their only job is to answer the phone. Don't miss a phone call and take a message. I'm going out to a meeting. I'm going out to lunch. Please just take a message. That's all you have to do. And they would say, okay, but here's what they don't know. The bottom of this desk is tied to a rope, which goes through

the wall to the next room. When the phone rings, when we see that they're going to answer the phone, we'll pull the rope from the other room, the whole desk, the phone and everything will just just slide away from under them, and in that moment, just the anticipation, think of like being part of a surprise party. You know, I understood as a four year old, anybody would understand what they're gonna do. And you go, Oh my god, I like I'm in on this joke. I understand it. I'm part of it.

And we all me and my mom and my dad, we looked at each other, and we kind of laughed, and we waited in anticipation. We knew it was going to be funny. We knew it was going to be great. That was I was now included in the party. And then what was really funny is the first woman comes, she sits down, but. The phone rings, she goes to grab the phone the desk, and the phone go away. The horror shows

up on her face. There was a guttural in the in the second, that guttural laugh of her fear and dismay and how funny it was and how relatable it was, and what would I do in that situation? And my parents were laughing hysterically, and all three of us were just in this most joyous, wonderful, endorphin, releasing moment of laughter that I remember vividly as I tell the story today, and it's something that and we were also in the moment. There was no worry about what might happen.

There's no thought about something that did happen. It was just in the moment and glorious. And I've been trying to recapture that moment, that particular moment and that feeling every waking moment in my life since then

that moment. I mean, we could, we could talk about that, but what I realized is I want that moment in, in chasing that moment, not having the understanding of because I was four, not having the understanding that this is a TV show that it takes an audience, it takes production, it takes the necessity to share that with somebody so that what I spent time doing because I spent a lot of time just feeling miserable in for other reasons that I didn't understand, which turned

out to be OCD and depression and anxiety and whatever I would do things publicly in school that in my mind were episodes that were triggered by Candid Camera. But I didn't have a friend, so I didn't tell anybody. So one example, well, we're going to get into all

great, yes. It's rough. Not a Brazilian pathway to my grandmother's house, which is kind of, if you think I really don't want

and dirt was a big issue. So I do remember, even before I can speak, I remember that when people came in to see the baby and if they touched the crib, my mother was like so focused on where their hand was that when they left, even if it was a half hour later, she would come in with like Lysol and then wipe

that. So that may have informed I'm not, I'm not a psychiatrist, but that may haven't informed my you know, repetitive thoughts about and rituals, about being a misophobic, which is the fear of germs.

that. Well, I'd like to Yeah, yeah, no CD, which is just gives people access to help. You know, wherever you are, it's affordable, it's insured, and you can even be diagnosed, it's probably the most misdiagnosed mental health issue there is, and even when it is diagnosed, you're probably not getting expert care. Just because you go to a psychiatrist or a therapist or a caregiver doesn't mean they understand it. One out of 40 people have it, and that's those are the people that diagnosed.

The number is probably higher. Most

it. It's pretty prevalent in its it's becoming even more prevalent. I don't know that it's becoming more prevalent. It's becoming more recognized. So therefore, it's more and if we took care of our mental health the way we took care of our dental health, this would be a much more productive, successful society, if we did, you know whatever your issues are, but when you in specifically talking about your your question about people crossing their legs, what OCD is

is. OCD is you could have a thought, a thought that makes sense, a thought that makes no sense, a thought that is dark, a thought that is that just runs through your mind in somebody who doesn't have OCD that that that thought will go in and go out. So if you're crawling along the floor as a baby and somebody crosses their legs in front of you. You go, why'd you cross your legs? I wanted to go around. That's just probably a

normal thought. If somebody crosses your leg, crosses their legs, and I think I don't want them to cross their legs for whatever reason. That's not what OCD is. OCD is the ability, is the inability to get past that thought. So if you cross your legs, think of a skipping record if you crossed your legs. And for whatever reason, I didn't want you to cross your legs, and you did cross your legs, but for whatever reason, I don't want you to cross your legs. I don't

want you to cross your legs. I don't want you to cross your legs. I don't want you to cross your leg. And I can't stop that thought, and I can't stop that thought. And that thought, it keeps going and going and going and repeating until it's so can I swear on here. Yeah, it's still it's so fucking annoying. It becomes a wall so the smallest, most ridiculous thought. And we all have thoughts running through our minds ad nauseam all day long.

Some of them are helpful and useful and move you along in life. Some of them stop you. Some of them, for whatever reason, the number seven flashes

into your mind. It doesn't matter that that's not abnormal, but if the number seven keeps flashing in your mind and you can't stop it, and then everything around is just seven, is just seven and just seven, and you have to say seven, and you have to say seven, or you think your hands are dirty, and you go wash your hands, and then you can't stop washing your hands, and you're locked in there for hours, and you miss the most important appointment that that is laid there in front

of you and your family, and your life stops. Or you're making other people do things. That's what OCD is. So these particular instances that you bring up are one of many. The point is that my mind is a skipping record, and I don't know what'll trigger that skipping I don't know. That's why I don't shake hands, because I don't just don't want to be triggered. I And it, there

isn't a cure for it. And you know the fact that my mom and my grandmother were neat freaks, maybe that's why I have the thought that goes toward germs. But you have the same thoughts. Anybody watching has those same thoughts. If you shake somebody's hands or touch something and you go, ooh, you'll go wash your hands. You can walk away from washing your hands, and then go on with your life. I can too, 80% of the time, 20% of the time, I will get stuck. And if I get stuck,

life stops. And as somebody who was born in the 50s and raised in the city. 60s and lives. Now in this millennium, there was a huge stigma attached to mental health issues, and that stigma did not allow me to get help or even know that there was help.

And when you have a mental health problem, you're in your own mind, and you don't understand that anybody else is has similar thoughts, because we all are incredibly different, and all are incredibly insular, you know, in our own world and on in our own personal algorithm, even outside of digital use, we do have our our algorithm, the things that we notice, the things that how we create our life. You know, nobody else has the same path as

you. You and me are in this room having this conversation right now. You and me are having a very different experience, and you and me not only having a

very different experience. I would imagine that if, if in great detail, we would describe exactly what's happening, you wouldn't think we were in the same room, because we're we're coming at it from, you know, whatever information I'm spewing out and whatever information you're taking in it, I can't replicate exactly how you're taking this in, and the way I'm spewing it out is we're all not aware of how it's being perceived. We know what we think

we sound like. We know what we think is going on, but I can't speak to anybody watching this podcast for how they're taking it, how it's affecting them, how they think I'm describing it. We are very so we feel very

insular. So my point is that at a certain it's really scary to share, and at a certain point, my wife said to me, Howie, if you don't get help, I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids because in order to create comfort, I was making everybody around me kind of adhere to whatever rules would make me comfortable, like, you know, I saw you just put on your shoe. Don't answer the phone. Don't touch the phone. I will answer the phone. And what I learned is, and this goes for everybody with any kind of

issue, just everybody. My therapist has taught me you can't control the world. You can only control yourself so they don't have to cope with you, and that makes your life hard. If you're trying to get everybody to in your space, to do it your way, you have to figure out how you're going to cope in the world. And that's the game of life. That's the game of business. How can you figure out a path of least resistance for yourself, and then you'll find that everything else falls into

place. It really does.

got to go home. I said, I said, the driver. You got to go we got to go back. My family sitting there all packed, ready to go on vacation. What do you mean? We got to go back. We're, we're going to be late. I got to go back. I got to change my pants. I got, why do you change my pants? Because she touched my pants. She touched my pants, and she goes, it was an accident. She's upset. Everybody's upset. And this is and I did turn around the car and went, changed my pants. And then we had to

rush, and it wasn't fun. We made the flight. But the truth of the matter was, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This is the pressure that my poor wife and children had to live with constantly. And my wife just said, I can't do this anymore, and I can't do this to the children anymore, and you can't you just got to go get

help. And I went and got help, and we identified, you know, some of my issues, one being OCD and anxiety, which was a weight off my shoulder to know that there is something and maybe there is an answer and maybe something I can do about it. But that did not remove the stigma of me not wanting to share that with the rest of the world. So now I had, you know, I. A an answer, but I was also stigmatized by, you know, not

wanting to share this answer. I would have never had this conversation like I'm having with you. Then, you know, this is just something I was going to take care of quietly between me and my family. So

would do things like this. Isn't that young, but it's emblematic of the kind of things that I was doing, where I hired a company. I called the Yellow Pages and hired somebody to put an addition onto the library. I know it sounds funny, and I thought it's kind of funny because, like I saw Alan Funt do, I don't I'm not really an employee of the school. I don't

have the rights. It'll be really funny if I see this guy out on the field measuring and doing, and then the principal goes out and says, What are you doing? The vice principal goes out and says, What are you doing? And he said, I'm I'm measuring for an addition, and I had given my name and who authorizes, Howie Mandel, and I got called down to

the office. What the problem was is I didn't articulate in my own mind that even if I would have had a friend, if I would have said, Hey, wait till you see at three o'clock I called somebody and he's going to be measuring. I didn't tell anybody. So who is this for? That's what my mother always, constantly said, like, I go, don't you think it's funny? She goes, But who is it for? Who are you trying to make laugh? And I would always say the same thing, me, me. I just want to be

happy for a moment. I want to I want to be happy when I didn't want to go swimming in school and I threw a chocolate bar in the pool. You ate shit? Well, I threw the chocolate bar in the pool. And then when everybody showed up at the end of the day to see who had defecated in the pool, because they were going to close the pool so I didn't have to go swimming in the winter at 300 people there, I dived in and came up with it in my mouth, which I talked about in the 70s and later was written into

Caddyshack. But the point is, everybody just went Ooh, and I was more alienated because they thought I ate shit instead of thinking I was the funny guy. It's a funny story now, but then, and I was trying to be funny, but I didn't. I didn't even understand that. I didn't have a friend, I didn't have an audience, so it just looked like

I ate shit. And when you're 15 years old, or 14 years old, and you do something gross, you know, the the the the main thrust, even now, for a 15 year old, is to probably fit in to find out what sneakers everybody's wearing, to wear your hair, to listen to the same music, to go to the same concerts. You know, you you look at everybody at a Taylor Swift concert, they're all wearing their their friendship

bracelets. And that's the epitome of wanting to be part of, and I want to be part of but I didn't have I went about it the wrong way. And to that end, I was constantly trying to recapture that moment, that Alan Funt Candid Camera moment, but in that pursuit of that, it was going all wrong. It would alienate me more. It would I didn't understand. I'm

understanding. I'm telling you now, as a 68 year old man, I understand that if I would have had one friend, or even if I didn't have a friend, if I would have said to somebody there, you're not going to believe what I did. I called the Yellow Pages. I have a guy look out the window at three o'clock for math class. There's going to be a guy measuring, and he thinks he's going to put on addition, he's going to give a, you know, an estimate on an addition to the library. Won't that be funny?

And tell everybody else, and then if everybody would look I might have been a little bit of a hero, or at least I would have gotten a laugh. Or somebody would have thought it was funny. But I didn't tell anybody, you know, or if I said I threw the chocolate bar in the pool go down at three o'clock, when everybody's looking at what they think is shit, I'm gonna dive in and come up with it in my mouth, they would have laughed. They probably would have told 10

other people. I would have been a hero instead, the way I operated in in my ignorance and not knowing how to do it, I. All these attempts at trying to recapture that laughter and that sense of belonging alienated me 10 times more. You

Sometimes I would the only way I could talk to girls, I could stand in the girls bathroom and stand in front of the mirror and brush my hair because they didn't know I was a boy, but when

to talk to people. So I I would brush my hair and talk to people I didn't have any I didn't know I was so fucking awkward. I didn't know how to meet people. I didn't know how to talk to people. I wanted to to to meet a girl, you know? And then I thought, oh God, I'll join a team. I'll be I'm 89 pounds and I'm four foot 10. What team? Not football, not baseball, not hockey. Like, what could I do? So somebody said you could join the wrestling team because it

goes in weight class. So I was in the under 90 weight class, under 90 pounds, and I didn't realize. And I figured, if I get a uniform, girls are gonna like me. I didn't realize the uniform for wrestling is a onesie. It's a girl's bait, one piece bathing suit with my long hair. And not only that, I'm a germaphobe, and now I'm rolling around with other sweaty guys on a on a mat. It was, it was a horror show my life, and every decision was a fucking horror show, you know, but I don't think things

through. I just, if somebody gives me an idea, I say, Okay, I say, Yes, I still do that today. It would ended up being a negative issue. Has turned into positivity, but accidentally, I'm not smart. I'm not, you know, it just I'm aware now of how things are going, how they should go, and why it works for me.

hysteric. Hysterical, but it was awkward and funny and weird, as the vice principal standing there with my parents and saying, you know, your son, Howard, hired a company to put an addition on to the library. That's, you know, they're sitting there, and I could see my mom biting her lip, like, how do you even react to that she

estimates. I would not give him the job without I was trying to be a little more responsible than you are. You know, then you're kind of, sir, you're telling my what you're telling my mother isn't true. I was trying to be responsible. I was going to get other. Estimates, I wasn't just gonna willy nilly give this man the contract, and I could see my mother understanding the fun in it, but

trying to be responsible. And, you know, understood that this is not proper behavior, inviting her lip, and I took joy in that was like, it wasn't like the living room when Alan Funt had the desk pulled away, but it was closed, right? My mom, I could choose she wanted to laugh, but didn't want to laugh, so it was but then they got a note saying, you know, he's been doing these things. I did them all the time, these kind of things. And they

said, leave. They called a, I don't know what it was, a therapist, they tested me, and they said that my IQ was fine, so this was a behavioral problem. So I had a behavioral problem, and then I went to another school and had a behavioral problem and went to another school and it was asked to lead, which was kind of

alienating. Because, you know, my friend Michael Rotenberg, who is my manager, now, he was still in high school, and he was going to go to college and he was going to be a lawyer, anybody that I did know was moving on. So now not only was I mentally alienated from everybody, but I was physically alienated from everybody. And you know, from the time I was a kid, little young, you know, I knew that if I wanted something, my parents and myself were not in a position to buy me. They

couldn't buy me anything. So when I was 11 years old, I got a paper route and I lived in an apartment building, and I lived in a cluster of apartment buildings. Apartment buildings so I could have a paper route that had 250 papers, which I did, and that was my first, you know, I would make money. I didn't realize that when you delivered papers, the big thing was collecting. You had to collect, and that's where you

made money. It was really hard collecting from 250 people, you know, 50 cents a week, or whatever it was, but that's so I'd end up with like, 1520, $30 at, you know, 11 years old, of my own money, which lit a fire, you know. So I had a drive to because money meant independence when I didn't have to ask my mom or dad to, you know, to buy candy. Even I can go to the store and buy my own candy. And later on, I worked at a when I

got thrown out. I was working at the warehouse, a carpet warehouse, and I was working in the warehouse coming back

would go for two minutes. Was a ride, and then you slow it down, you go around, and everybody leaves the ride. I worked there for four days. And then it was kind of funny to because I'd go, you want to go faster. And everybody go, yeah, you want to go faster. And everybody would Yeah. And I had all these people responding to me, and I had the the the uniform of the CNE on, I

felt like such a big shot. And then I thought it was funny on the microphone, I would go, Okay, make sure that your orange shoulder harness over your left shoulder was done up securely. You were going upside down in five seconds. And I'd go 543, there was no orange shoulder harness. The ride didn't go upside down, but they didn't know, but they didn't know that it didn't go upside down. So I'd go five, four, and everybody

would be screaming. They'd be looking for that orange shoulder harness, and there was no and they'd be screaming, help me, help me, and screaming. And it was so much fun to me to terrorize these people. And then they I was asked to leave, and the Shoppers Drug Mart, I was the box boy, which meant that I was in the basement, and I would remove everything from the block

the boxes. I was a box boy, and I would take things down to the basement, open the boxes and remove everything to be put on the shelves, and then break the boxes and put and I got in trouble for not wearing a tie I was in. The fucking basement, breaking boxes. It was like 100 degrees down there, and I had to wear a tie, so I I was asked to leave because I wasn't dressed appropriately in the basement.

But it was kind of funny, because at that time, I think I was like 13 or 15 years old, and it was kind of funny because I would see people from school shopping in shoppers, Drug Mart, and I think a lot of kids were going through puberty, and it was fun to if I saw like a young girl that I knew from school coming down the aisle, where there were feminine needs, they would be embarrassed to buy them

in front of me. So I'd see how long like they'd go toward the the tampons or the Kotex, and I know that it was embarrassing for them, but I would go into that aisle. Then they'd continue walking and not buy and then they I'd see them heading back down that aisle. So then I'd pretend that to go back down that aisle, I'd see how long I could keep somebody in the store

without making a purchase. That became my game, and again, that alienated me, like they'd go, you know, I would imagine amongst themselves, they'd go, I went to the store to go buy tampex and that idiot, Howie Mandel. I was so embarrassed that idiot Howie Mandel wouldn't leave the fucking aisle.

sales. I see the wholesaler coming in two, three times a week to sell the manager on whatever products they had to sell. And they, you know, you have these sample boards, you didn't need carpet. And then what I also learned was, you know, some people who who bought carpet, didn't have the money to buy carpet, but they had the money to have a they'd have the money to to finance, and they had made a deal with a finance company, kind of like a bank, so the salesman could say, I'll

tell you, what? If you do a whole house in this and you put 200 down, it would be $15 a month for the next five years. Will you sign up for $15 a month? And the answer is yes. So, and that was based on all there. I didn't know I was only 15, but that's based on all the credit information of the of the the customer. So I called that company. I got one of those contracts. I called that company and I said, I'm thinking of opening up my because I didn't know what was going on. I'm

opening up my own store. Do you need anything from me? Or is it all about the customer. They go, No, it's all about the customer. The customer fills out and gives you that down payment, and I know their bank information and everything will give the deal. I go, so why do I have to work at

this store? I called the guy who I made friends with, because they used to come through the back and in the warehouse, the guy that was selling to the stores, the wholesaler, and I said, could I, could I represent myself and have, can I have some of these sample boards and and sell this carpet? And would you deliver it to me? If it's totally paid, they go, Listen, you don't have any credit, but if you pay for it up front, you

can have it. I go, okay. So then, with my mother's car, I had sample boards, I took out an ad. I had a little bit of money, and I took out an ad for a shop at home service, you know, and it was called National Problem sales. National was just me. National Problem says I live in an apartment with my mom, and I would say, you know, at home sales service. And they would call, I would go out with the sample board. They would say, Okay, we want this for the

living room and dining room. And I'd say, you could buy it on time. Fill out this, give me $200 I would go to the finance company with the paper. They would write me a check for the full amount. Then I would go with that check for the full amount to the to the manufacturer or wholesaler and buy the carpet. And then I would hire an installer to go pick it up in his truck, deliver it and install it. So I realized I didn't need it to have any upfront money or anything. I had

a little time. Tiny ad, and the paper cost me $200 to start it. Eventually, I ended up having two locations, and, you know, a bunch of salesmen, and I was in the carpet business.

stand up comedy. So we went to Yuk x1 night, and I watched stand up comics in front of me, and it was, it was amazing, because it wasn't like the Tonight Show, it wasn't like the anything I had seen on TV, because they could swear, you know, that I was hearing language and stuff that I'd never heard before, and it was so edgy and fun and new and fresh. And at the end of the show, Mark Breslin, the guy who was hosting it and owned it, got up and said, Does anybody, anybody who thinks they can do

this? We have an amateur hour at midnight on Monday, would you you should come up and try it? And somebody at my table went, You should do it. And I went, Okay. And which I always do. I don't ever say no. I don't say no to anything. Very rarely say no to anything, even today, even today. You know, my philosophy is that. My philosophy is that no is no, which is the first two letters in the word nothing. Nothing comes from No. But I have a fear. My fear, it's my neurosis is I'm gonna miss out

on something, you know? I I'll say, okay, and then the worst case scenario is, and more than not, the worst case scenario is it something doesn't work out, and it's bad, but at least I have a piece of information, a piece of education that I shouldn't do that again, or I shouldn't do it like that again. You know what I'm saying. So I don't say no. So I said, Okay. And also, I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and part of that is the fact that I I don't think of

ramifications. I'm very in the moment, sometimes to a detriment, like, okay, and I'll do it. And it's kind of like when you're young, you know?

It's like the X Games are all young men where that and women, where that part of your brain, the frontal lobe of your brain, isn't fully, I learned that later on, isn't fully intact, so you it's young people are more if you go try to drop in, if you're skateboarding, try to drop in from the ceiling, into the pool, from the roof, and jump into the pool, you'll probably think, okay, whereas later on in life, when that's fully formed, you'll think, yeah, but I could break a hip,

you know, I don't think like that. And never have. I just go, okay. So I said, Okay, not preparing anything, not having the thought of, I want to be comedian, not thinking I've ever be in show business, not wanting to be in show business, not caring. But that night, I had gone out for Chinese food before we went to Yuk Yuks. And that night I opened the fortune cookie, as you always do at the end, and I read the fortune in it, and it said, Tonight, your life will change, or you'll

follow a new path. Or, I can't remember exactly I have it. I still have that fortune. It's in my it's in one of our I'm moving now, so I can't, I can't find it, but I we do. I keep everything so meant nothing to me. It said you will do something tonight that will change the rest of your life. Yeah. And what I didn't think about the ramifications of going on stage. I didn't think about what it meant to go on stage. I didn't think about what it could

do. I just said, okay, and if I had to analyze today, what I was thinking was, it's funny for somebody to go, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel, and why is that funny? Not because Howie's funny, not because I'm going to do anything funny, because there's no reason in hell for me to be on stage. You know, I'm in my dad's lighting business at this point. I'm doing a lot of other

entrepreneurial things. It's just funny to go, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel, there's nothing, but it's an experience, right? So he says, Mark Breslin, goes, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel, and I walk out and because that's what you're supposed to do, everybody applauds. Because after you say a name or Preface by ladies and gentlemen, you applaud, and they applauded and and then the applause stopped. And I'm standing there, and I can see a microphone like I'm looking at

right now. I can see a spotlight is blinding me, but I can see the front row of people. When I look down, it's a cloud of smoke. People are smoking in the room. It's a cloud of smoke, and they're looking up at me, like, do something. And that was the most terrifying recollection I have of just being out there. You know, we have dreams. People have nightmares where they say they show up at a party in their underpants, you know, I think we all feel somewhat alienated in life, like, what are people

gonna think of me? What should I wear? How should I comb my hair? Did that go well, you know, this is all that culminates in that one moment of those people looking at me, and the adrenaline started to flow, and the fear that the fear was on fucking believable. And if you look at old clips of me in the 70s and early 80s doing comedy, it is the replica I'm replicating that night and every other night after where I didn't know what to I just started

going, okay, okay, okay. All right, I had nothing, okay, all right, all right, okay. And they started laughing like you're smiling, you're smiling at my horror, and me trying to come up with something, and then it's funny, and you would say something like that, or they would laugh like that. And I go, What? What? What? No, tell me, okay, all right, all right. And I didn't know what, and that

became my act. And I put my hands in my pocket, and I had rubber gloves, because I had OCD, didn't want to touch germs. Knew that if, if I was out in public, then I was going to be doing, I would be going to a public restroom. So I had rubber gloves. I grabbed the rubber gloves. They were in my pocket. I'm going, okay, okay. And I pull it over my head and over my nose, and I start breathing. The fingers are going up and down, and people are laughing. So I inflate it, and I pop it off my

head, and they all roar. And I go, good night. And I run off the stage, and Mark Breslin is there, and he goes, That was amazing. I go, what was what you just did? You got to come back tomorrow. I go for what he goes, to do it again. I go, do what he goes, do what you did. I go, What the fuck did I do? But I went back the next night, and I went back the night. After that,

I went every fucking night. And it was the first time in my life that I came close to that collective feeling of a lot of people enjoying me for whatever reason they were enjoying me, even when I didn't understand. But then I understood that, you know, they were enjoying my fears. So why not authentically share my fear? Why not authentically tell them I don't know what I'm gonna say, or is this silly? Do you want to hear something? Or I'm putting the glove up, or I can make a funny

noise. I do something with my throat. I can make I could talk like this, and they laugh. I can do that. And they laughed at that. And I'm going from a guy who had nobody in his life to a room full of 150 strangers just enjoying me, even if it's me, enjoying me suffering. And I was suffering, but I like that suffering. My analogy is, to this day, I love thrill rides. I

love roller coasters. And what I love about roller coasters is, the higher it is, the scarier it is, the closer to death that you think you're gonna become. You're coming, the more you're screaming. You're in that moment. Like if it was just this nice little track where you went and the breeze was going through your hair, that would be boring, and you wouldn't jump off and go, I gotta get on that again.

But when you're in the moment, and when adrenaline is is, you know, running through your veins, you don't feel like you're worried about something that happened, something that's gonna happen. You're in. Now, and in the Now is the healthiest place to be, and even if in the now it's terror. And that's why, to this day, my favorite in the now that I can continually replicate is stand up comedy. And regardless of what you know me from and what you see me do, I still do stand up comedy. Four

or five times a week. I was up until covid, I was touring and doing up to 300 dates a year. My everything is kind of surrounded and kind of bolsters my stand up comedy career. And even when I'm not playing for an audience of Howie Mandel fans, I drop in on clubs two, three times a week, even if there's five people sitting there at midnight. To just be I want to be in the worst case scenario, because that makes me

feel more alive. I went out when there were storms here in LA I drove out to the Ice House in Pasadena, where there was five people sitting there at 11 o'clock in a storm to try things out, to, you know, not do material that they would know, just to try, just to try to just to try to be in the moment, to give myself that creative roller coaster of whatever it is, and that's how I run my life. That's how I run my business. That's how I that's how I operate. You

can do. I have recognition. I come out to a nice applause, where people are happy to see me. But then what I like to do is I like to traverse something dangerous in as far as something I've never done before, something that is kind of odd or different. And then if I could win them in that moment, if I could win over that moment, if I could survive that edge of non acceptance and then just be swaddled, then that is, the harder it is. And then to conquer is what's great. So

about doing television. Never even thought that this was going to be a career. And he said, Come to my office tomorrow. And I went to KTLA, which is in Hollywood's the first time I'd ever been on a lot or a TV studio I'd never been and he tried to, he had me make my his secretary, laugh, and I did. And then the next day I got, I did, like, five episodes they do, shot five episodes in one day, and it was just, it was a comedy game show where you had a a

minute. They had contestants who won money for every second they didn't laugh. And they had comedians, young comedian. Ian's from the Comedy Store, show up and try to make them laugh in front of a live audience, the audience would laugh, but they would just be paid not to laugh, and it turned out better when you when they didn't laugh like

you thought. You would think, if you made them laugh right away, that was great, and you'd be you'd get but the more they didn't laugh, the more recognition you got because you were on TV longer doing whatever you did. And so I did this. I did that show. Great story to tell about my vacation, went home and continued in business, in regular business, and was engaged to who I'm married to now is engaged to my wife, Terry, and we were planning the

wedding. And then when that show aired, it didn't air in Canada. I got various calls from talk shows, The Mike Douglas Show and The Merv Griffin Show. And for

being on Ellen or whatever. But I got called by those TV shows and to come down and do a set on their shows. And so I would take a day off, for two days off, and I'd fly down to California, and I would do a set on their shows. You know, it's five minutes or six minutes. I did the Merv Griffin Show, and then I flew home. And then when I flew home, I got a call from Gene Simmons. Gene Simmons is the lead of kiss, and at that time, kiss was

at their height. So now Gene Simmons from Kiss, this rock star is phoning this idiot kid in Toronto, and he said, I saw you on Mert Griffin, would you like to be the opening act, which I didn't even understand what that was. Would you like to be the opening act for my girlfriend? I went Yes, because I always say, Yes, he goes at Caesar's Palace in Vegas. And I said, Yeah, who's your

girlfriend? And at that time, he was living with Diana Ross, and I became Diana Ross's opening act for 40 some odd shows, and the audience hated me each and every night, but they loved me. That led to me playing Vegas, which I thought was going to be the end of my career.

would ever see it. We shot it at the Roxy the hosts were going to be the Smothers Brothers, who I was a huge fan of the Smothers Brothers show Tommy and Dick Smothers. And I didn't know the other guys, but it was me and a guy named Jerry Seinfeld and a guy named Richard Lewis and a guy named Harry Anderson, were the comics on the show. And anyway, I did the show and then went back to Toronto, but apparently that show blew me up big. And what I mean by that is, I realized that people would

show up to see me. You know, it was the first time that people like I wasn't just playing a club, if I was playing at the Comedy Store, or wherever it was that audience, or if I showed up at yuck yucks. They weren't there for Howie Mandel. They were there for a night of comedy, and Howie Mandel just played, and if they enjoyed me, I got the laughs and the applause, but nobody was showing after the HBO special, there was a demand to see me, so I and but I I didn't know how to deal with

it, except from business. And I hired this guy, Andy Noman. Who Andy Noman was? He wrote in a newspaper in Montreal. He's a he was probably 18 or 19 years old. I said, Listen, I understand advertising from the carpet business, so I'm going to hire you. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to and I knew that Gallagher had. On something like this. Gallagher was another comic. This is where I got the idea from. I'm in a four wall.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to these markets that, I think, based on my fan mail and things like that, that I think people like me. I'm gonna rent out the downtown theater for one night, and I understand how to sell carpet. So I'll go to the newspapers, the major newspapers, and I'll buy an ad. So you'll buy the ads, you'll put ads in there, and we'll go to the top 40 FM station, and I'll do interviews, set up interviews for me in the morning, and then anyway, he

became my promoter. And right after the young comedian special, I started selling like 10,000 seats. And in every market I would sell like 10,000 seats, 5000 seats, and it was just me. Wasn't I didn't have a promoter with Andy nolman, and I sold out my whole tour.

festival. And then he saw that we did good, and he took Andy away from me and him and Andy. And Andy started just for laughs, which became the the biggest comedy festival in the world, but that came from me doing well on the HBO,

daughter 3000 miles away. They wanted to call off the wedding, you know, to make a living, and answer to people when they say, Well, how's he gonna make a living? He puts a rubber glove on his head. It didn't seem like it was a lasting, wonderful way to support a family and start a life. But anyway, I moved down here, and when you did good in the early 80s, when you did good on stand up comedy. You the natural progression was a sitcom. So I went to the had a general meeting at MTM. That's

what you're referring to. Mary Tyler Moore, which stands for because that's where they it was owned by a guy by the name of Grant Tinker, who owned the production company where they did The Mary Tyler Moore Show, they did the odd couple, they did The Bob Newhart Show, every huge sitcom of the time. The biggest ones were done by this

production company. So I had a general meeting with them, because I had been doing good in stand up comedy, and for the most part, all the comedians were segwaying from Freddie Prinze was the first. He did Chico, and the man to Robin Williams did Mork, and Mindy to Billy Crystal did soap. And, you know, even Richard Pryor was doing TV at the time. So I, I met with the casting person who said, do you do do you act? And I said, I don't. I don't know. And she said, Read this. And I

read this thing. And she goes, that's very good. Come down the hall. And I went down the hall, and I read for this group of people, the same thing. And I didn't really understand what I was reading, but I read it. And halfway through, they stopped me, and they said, Okay, thank you. And I thought I lost it, you know, whatever it was, I went home, my wife said, How did

you do? And I went, I did terrible, but what I was reading was not funny, so I don't I don't care, and I get a call a half hour later, would you go down and meet with Brandon Tartikoff? And Brandon Tartikoff is the president of ABC at the NBC at the time. And I think there has not been an executive like him since he was the he had. He had the wherewithal to keep something on because he knew it was good. He had really good taste. He knew it was good, and he knew the audience would

come to it. And to give you an example of. At that would be like Seinfeld. You know, when it came out, it wasn't doing well. He kept it going and make sure it was on prime time and cheers and all the biggest shows of the that time was because of him. But here's the thing, what I didn't understand is I wasn't reading for a sitcom. MTM was venturing into drama, and at the time, they had two dramas they were doing, and one was Hill Street Blues, and the other one

was st elsewhere. And St elsewhere was a hospital show, and with an ensemble cast of 12 like Hill Street Blues was an ensemble show about cops. And they had been looking at dailies every day. They had looked at whatever they had shot, and they decided it wasn't going the way they thought, and they wanted to replace some of the characters. And I was reading for one of the characters that had already been shot, and they said, Could you come down and meet Brandon

Tartikoff? And I went down and met, sat with Brandon tartakoff. Did

producer. It was Tom Fontana and who went on to do great things with Barry Levinson and on his own too homicide. But anyway, I read that same thing again. He said, That's great. We'll see you Monday. This was a Friday, so I thought I had another reading on Monday. My agent called me when I got home and told me that I start Monday on this dramatic series, and that was st elsewhere, which landed for landed me a job for six years. I was one of an ensemble, one of which being Denzel

Washington. Lot of people started their career on that show. Tim Robbins and Kathy Bates had their first foray. Ray Liotta into acting. Was they started on that show as guest stars and art Carmen too. Wasn't he? Mark Harmon was on that show. A lot of people were on that show. So it was good, because I worked two, three days a week, and then four days a week. I was out on the road doing stand up comedy. So that

kind of launched me. I took the place, by the way, Dr Fiscus was first played by an actor by the name of David paymer, who went on to win an Academy Award with Mr. Saturday night with Billy Crystal. So he did okay, too. Thank God.

that light. So when they bought, when some real estate company bought the Burbank studios, I took some of the stuff that's that light. Is the light that shone on him every show at his desk. That was his key light. Johnny Carson's key light Johnny Carson is was something I have the front row of The Tonight Show here too. I'll show you. I have a lot of tonight show stuff here, but the Tonight Show was

everything. The Tonight Show, it doesn't matter how many shows you did, the tonight show was the litmus test for being considered a stand up comedian. And I had auditioned so many times, the guy who booked the show continuously said no to me because I was silly. I was not a manologist. I used props. I was crazy. He told me this is not anything Johnny would like. So I was disappointed, but again, never said no. At that same time, Joan Rivers started guest hosting the Tonight Show.

Whenever Johnny was out, he would play Vegas. Then Joan Rivers was the host, and Joan Rivers was getting even bigger ratings than Johnny ever did. She was we had never seen anybody like her on TV, you know, making fun of people, of the biggest stars of the day, almost to their faces. It was very exciting. Whenever Joan Rivers was going to be on, and more people would tune in.

run her monologs. That's how she would she would have material. And she would do her monologs The night before the tonight show she would do them at the Comedy Store. So I asked Mitzi. I said, Listen, I haven't been on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, but I would love, what if I would love, you know, Joan to see me. Maybe that's a chance. So she put me on right before Joan was going to play. And that night, that morning, I woke up with 104 fever, and I thought, oh shit, what are the

chances? This is my chance to for Joan to see me and I am so sick. And I said, I'm not going to miss this opportunity. And I remember driving through the canyon with 104 fever. I was dizzy. I thought I was going to pass out. I was soaked, I was sweaty. And I got to the club. I couldn't even stand up, and I went on stage. And when I went on stage, I said, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel, when I went on stage, they I killed. I killed. And Joan Rivers was in

the room. And as I walked off the stage, I passed Joan Rivers, who was walking to the stage. She says, You're very funny, young man. And I went, thank you. And then she went on. The crowd went fucking nuts, and she killed and she destroyed. And the next day, she was going to be the host of The Tonight Show for the umpteenth time. And I just wanted to wait and make some eye contact to see if I can make a connection. I remember

waiting. There's these stairs that go down the Sunset Boulevard, and the adrenaline started to wane, you know, because I'd been on stage and off the stage for a while, and then I started feeling sick again, and I thought I was going to pass out. And I'm sitting on the stairs and I'm waiting, and she finishes, there's a huge applause, and then she's talking to Mitzi shore, the owner, and then other comics are there, and

the hour goes by. She's talking to everybody, and I'm just lying on the stairs in a pool of my own sweat. And finally she comes down the stairs, and I kind of take every inch of energy I have, and I kind of get into her eye line. She goes, You were a very funny guy. And I went, thank you. She goes, have you ever been on The Tonight Show? And I go, No, but it's my birthday this week. And she said, call this guy. And she gave me the number to her manager. It was Billy samuth,

and I went. And I called Billy, and he said, she wants you on this week. She's doing the whole week. And I got on The Tonight Show with her for my birthday. And it was great I got on The Tonight Show, so now I could say I was on The Tonight Show. But as luck would have it, the next morning, I get a call from Jim McCauley, who was the main Booker of comics on The Tonight Show, and he said Johnny was watching last night. He loved

you. Would you come on again next week with him and I, and that was the first of 22 episodes I did with Johnny Carson.