Sometimes, like enabling some people's behavior ends up hurting them more than you think you're helping them.
A lot of times people treat us the way that we've taught them they can treat us, and they take cues from what we've allowed.
Pro con list sometimes bring things out of you that you don't even know. Like if at the end of it says paycheck, but on the other side it says depression. I want to rip my eyes out. I hate every morning food doesn't have taste. I feel like your answer is right there.
Happiness isn't a treasure box. It's also not a destination. It's a choice, and it's a way of life. You choose to be happy.
Forgiveness is for yourself, it's not for the other person, you know what I mean.
I think healthy communication is far more about listening than it is about speaking.
Or how are your feet?
There's always only fans? Oh right?
Anyway, next fee.
I mean money in there? You don't got to cut your face?
There you go, la Hello, Beings of Earth am in gem here. We had such a good time with this episode topic, and you guys sent us such amazing questions that we absolutely had to have a part two. So kickback, relax, and enjoy are solicited advice.
Here's the first question.
My sister always borrows money but never pays me back. How do I say no? Okay? I feel like there's we have to dissect this question. So first of all, I'm gonna say the same thing as a previous question, maybe stop giving your money number one. But I understand it's your sister.
How do you say no? Right? How do you say no? Okay?
So you say.
No more money for you?
No? Okay.
This is a boundary setting. This is a boundary thing. But it's also tough because I don't have a sister. But boundaries are tough.
Boundaries are tough, and I have boundary issues, That's what I mean. And depending on the person in my life, if they ask for money, doesn't matter. If I only had ten dollars in a bank account, I would give it to them until I was out of money, because.
That's just the kind of people. Maybe you shouldn't give advice on this one.
No, but yeah, you go ahead, but I will say I will say one thing. Sometimes, like enabling some people's behavior ends up hurting them more than you think you're helping them.
Preach so that's what I'll say about that.
Yeah, so I agree with everything you've said. It sounds simple to just say you just say no. But part of setting a boundary, I think first, and I'm learning how to set boundaries. We are really bad at those, I think as people in general, both setting the boundary
and also respecting boundaries. But part of setting a boundary is understanding that it's in your best interest and it's also in your relationships best interests, because those are the things that make you feel confident, safe, and secure in your relationship, and that's how you'll be able to show up as your best self in that relationship. So if you've been lending your sister money, I hear you.
I would.
I would empty my bank account for my sister if she asked me to, but my sister would never not pay me back, so that's.
Probably why I would do that.
But if you've realized that there's a pattern here and she started to maybe take advantage of you, first of all, don't let it get out of hand, because it'll start to impact your perception of the relationship and even maybe of your sister if you do. And maybe it's not even so complex as in she's knowingly taking advantage of you. Maybe she's just gotten used to the pattern of being able to ask you and you never maybe asking her
to pay you back, or you being lenient. And so a lot of times people treat us the way that we've taught them. They can treat us, and they take cues from what we've allowed. How do you say no kindly? I always you can say, listen, I've decided I'm not going to lend money anymore.
It's not working for me.
And sometimes you don't have to give an explanation of fact. I think you actually reserve your power when you don't over explain yourself. And maybe she'll have a hard time with that. That's okay, let her have her hard time. You don't owe her money, you don't owe her anything.
You just owe her your sisterhood.
That's it, not even not even if you really want to think about it. Yeah, we don't ownly want anything. My dad is in and out of my life constantly, and I'm tired of it.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'll let you guys into a personal aspect. So I've had a pretty.
Turbulent relationship with my father. My whole life. I don't have the.
Answers when it comes to a healthy daddy daughter relationship because I unfortunately have never had the opportunity to have one. I will say this, we're raised to believe a lot of times that we should give passes out or make unbelievable exceptions for our family just because they are our family.
And I really resent that sometimes mothers drown their babies, sometimes fathers shoot their wives, And just because you have a blood aligne or a blood relationship to somebody doesn't mean that you should give them a free pass to bulldoze your life. If you've seen and I don't know how old you are, but if you've seen that there's a pattern that's come up in your life and you've already tried to address it, this is the caveat You've already tried to address it with your father, and there's
nothing you can do. You're at the point where you've just sort of accepted that this is how it is, and this is the relationship you're going to have with your dad. The best thing that you can do for yourself.
Is accept it.
It's really just facing the situation head on from a place of understanding and knowing that you did what you could at the end of the day. I'm a firm believer that it's the adult's responsibility to carry the relationship forward. And I think as a father, it is his job
to be involved in your life. And if it feels like he's in a revolving door, if you're in a revolving door situation with him, akin to like you know, a toxic X that just shows up whenever he wants to and then leaves when you're no longer needed or relevant anymore. Maybe next time you close the door, lock it.
I don't know.
Maybe you lock it for a year, Maybe you feel terrible. Maybe you lock it for a year and you start going to therapy and you start healing the loss of the father you wish that you would have had the relationship that you wish you would have had, and maybe you feel incredible afterwards. I will say this, do not make exceptions. If you wouldn't accept a certain kind of treatment from a friend or a lover or somebody who isn't your father, don't accept it from your father.
Oh baby, all right.
I think every man should get a e sseectomy and then when they want to have kids. They have to go to trial because you know you can reverse right, So yeah, every when they you know.
If you just to say you look at you not like, do not do I have your list? I'm just I love it.
Penus experts are right out side of the room. Okay, So next, I hate my job.
Oof.
This kind of was what we were talking about before. I hate my job, but I love the paycheck. How do I figure out if it's worth quitting? Okay, First of all, i'd say there's nothing wrong with a good pro con list. Yeah, Like pro con lists sometimes bring things out of you that you don't even know, Like if at the end of it it says paycheck, but on the other side it says depression. I want to rip my eyes out. I hate every morning food doesn't have taste. I feel like your answer is right there.
Paycheck can mean a lot of things.
Yes, but I'm saying, like if financial security, but.
That's what I'm saying.
Sure, I'm saying like that list is you know, depending on what comes out from that list, if the negatives are really really bad, I would say that maybe it's not worth it. Another thing is like maybe I don't know if there's a way that you can start exploring the potential of what what other jobs you would be qualified for and if that maybe has maybe although it might have a pay cut, maybe it has a life increase,
and maybe it's a paycut that you can handle. Maybe there's a way that you can start, you know, doing research into the realities before leaving your job of what would be your options.
Yeah, and I.
Also think that, like we the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and sometimes we're in certain situations and a slight reframe would really adjust the way that we experience those situations. You hated your job, Yeah, I hate I hated my job, but the paycheck wasn't worth it, I know, but literally, But I will say this, if I had a job that I didn't necessarily love, like the profession perhaps, or or what it is that I
was doing in those hours of work. But if it in this scenario, you know, maybe I still had a free time and I was making a certain amount of money that I was happy with, I would probably view it as like a transition. Or sometimes it's just you need you Hey, you have bills to pay. You have to pay your bills. If you have a job that's that's not consuming your life, that you have essentially a healthy work life balance, even if it's not your favorite or what you wish you were doing with your life.
Either find a way to get to where you wish you were or find a way to reframe your perspective on it. And sometimes you can just it's just a
matter of looking at it as you know. This is the thing that I don't necessarily love doing, but I love what it brings me, and I love the freedom that it gives me, and I love you know the fact that you know, maybe I don't wake up every morning and I'm not excited to sit at a desk, but I only have to sit at this desk three days a week, or I only have to sit at this desk for so long, and then I have the money that I need to travel or do all the other things.
Or how are your feet? There's always only fans?
Oh right?
Anyway, next use money in there?
You don't got to your face?
There you go?
Okay, So it says I found out my friend friend is in quotes has been secretly talking behind my back.
What do I do? Yikes?
Okay, give them put them on the phone with the girl who's stealing the other girl's ideas.
Okay, So first of all, some people would say, if she's talking behind your back, she's not your friend. Some people, I think it really depends what the relationship means to you. And again, like what you were saying earlier, context matters for this one. If this is somebody that that really matters to you, and this is you know, perhaps the first time that this has happened, then you've just found yourself at a crossroads and you have a conversation pending.
You need to address it with your friend. Let them know what you've heard, let them know how it made you feel. Set boundaries in place of where it is that you want to move or don't want to move in your relationship. If they can't commit to the loyalty and discretion of the things that you share with them, or if they're saying something nasty about you behind your back, maybe you need to address if that's how they actually
feel about you. And if they do feel that way about you, then that's perhaps not a friend that you should have in your life.
I always say, try to talk.
About it first, But depending on what they're saying and depending what the context is maybe this is not a friend for you, and maybe it's just a matter of again learning something new, seeing people for who they truly are, and moving on.
And by the way, if you have that conversation and it doesn't go well, that doesn't mean that it needs to be a distasteful ending or you need to now carry these feelings for that person, because that's only going to hurt you. Forgiveness is for yourself, out for the other person.
Yeah, you know what I mean, Yeah for sure.
Okay, what's the best way to find happiness in twenty twenty five? Ooh, man, I know, find a time machine.
Now this is going to be this is what I feel.
I feel like the world we need to collectively realize that the energy and the vibration everything is so heightened right now and as a result, like all of the little universes inside of us are kind of in disarray, whether that be depressed or anxious this or like. And you know, I don't speak for everybody, because I know there are people that maybe aren't as connected to this feeling,
but it feels like an overarching feeling. What I would say is to really connect to the things in life that bring you joy, even if that means going back into the things when you were a child, or when you were a kid, or when you were growing up, or when you were in high school or in college, like things that make you feel alive, that make you feel happy, maybe a hobby that you've always wanted to pick up that you can't, you know, like nurture your self love.
That's what I feel.
I mean, that's at least how I'm trying to find my happiness in twenty twenty five, because everything is just so loud. So yeah, and I'd say, like, you know, keep your head down and focus on the things that are really important to you and water those gardens. Yeah, you know, whether that be spend more time with somebody who you didn't spend time with last year, or actively seek a new friendship, or start a new class, or do pottery naked, whatever you want to do.
I love that that's on my list. I just want to say this thing when I read something.
Like how do I find happiness? Happiness isn't a treasure box. It's also not a destination. It's a choice, and it's a way of life. You choose to be happy. Cannot go outside and control back to mail, robins. You cannot go outside and control the weather, or whether you're going to enter your find yourself in a traffic jam, or whether your phone is going to fall and shatter. There's gonna be so many triggers throughout our days, and we're not Patrick Starr. We can't live under a rock that
are absolutely inevitable and unavoidable. It's all about how you respond and react.
To those situations.
There is beauty and absolute absolutely everything, even a rain shower has its benefits. So I think that if you're still searching for happiness or trying to create your happiness, it starts with you.
It's internal. There you go. Okay, that was amazing. Am I agreed with everything you've said? Wow, you've never said that. So maybe we should take a little break. Yeah, I can rest so I can enjoy this moment. Well, we'll be right back. Okay, earth things, How about a few more. I'm down.
My friend keeps asking me how cute her baby is, But her baby is not cute.
What do I do? You say nothing? You say nothing, You say the baby's cute. By the way, how old is the baby?
Because sometimes they come out a little puffy. Yeah, sometimes they're not cute at first, but they cut a couple of years to you say nothing, so hear you, we feel you, we see you. We have all seen a baby that looks like a gremlin, and we have to say it's cue. That's all.
You say nothing to say.
You don't say you don't see to anybody else exactly, or you say I'm so happy that that you're happy.
Yeah.
Oh, and and you find the cute things in the baby, so.
You say, oh my god, that baby's so cute. You say the letter cue that way, you're not technically lying.
But maybe they're cute and their mannerism is not necessarily like aesthetic.
Okay, oh, what did you find one thing that you actually think the baby, the.
Little pinky toe's so cute. Yeah, come on, babies on cute, even ugly babies cute. They're cute. What's wrong with you? Okay? Maybe is not cute?
Okay, go ahead, Okay, let's oh I can answer this.
I've been thinking about dyeing my hair. Should I Yes? The answer is yes, it depends.
No.
You're gonna bleach your whole hair.
Bleach to fry it, fry it, it'll go back. Bleach it fry, it'll go back.
I did wanted to do something to my hair for years, and it took me being twenty six, not even twenty seven, No, twenty eight years old. I was twenty eight years old the first time I did anything to my hair. It's the only thing I regret is not doing good, suitor. I love my half purple. I think I'll die half purple. I don't know, who knows. Maybe next year I'll take my mind. But if you are thinking about dyeing your hair, do it.
Do it. Worst case you hate it, you could always die it back. If it fries off, it'll grow back. I don't know. You go rock the bald for yeah, shave your eyebrows, Okay, do it all right?
How do you handle differences in communication styles?
Oh?
Can I come back to you on that? Okay, I'll say this.
I think first you need to learn each other's communication styles because they're not your own. And this is something that happened, This is something that happens too with like love languages and relationships. Like we're so consumed by how we communicate, how we love, how we whatever. That it's also a difficult exercise to now pretend to not be that and learn about this whole other world and the whole other way the person sees and perceives and acts
in this world. So I think step one is learning that.
I think step two is listening. It waste.
Step one is really listening because you're step one. Yeah, I guess, so you have to listen to even know communication style is I think that communicy.
I think healthy communication is far more about listening than it is about speaking. If you are looking for like a concrete advice I can give you, Emily, And I learned this actually with a couple's therapists one time. And if you're having a conversation with somebody, sometimes it's really
easy to get worked up. And sometimes your partner or your friend, or your siblings or your family member says something in a moment of conflict or when they're expressing conflict with you that you don't agree with, or maybe it doesn't ring true for you or is a representative of your experience.
The first thing you need to do is be quiet.
Let the person speak when they're done speaking. The best thing you can do for your communication before you even think about replying or adding your what is it your footnote or sharing your perspective. You need to the moment that you feel that you're about to respond with your emotions,
you need to stop. You need to pull the brakes, resenter yourself, become mindful and aware of the conversation again and repeat if you have to internally, and if you have to out loud what the person has just said to you, make sure that you understood you said you say. For example, EM says I don't like your socks. I can paw, I can react, I can fight back. I can tell her, how can you like my socks? Well, you don't know what socks are and you know what.
Or I can stop and I can say, I can rephrase what she just said to make sure first I understood what I heard you say, EM is that you don't like my socks, And she can say yes or no. And then after you're sure that you've understood what the person has said, you validate what they've said. It doesn't matter what you're talking about.
It doesn't invalidate your emotions, does how you feel. That's something that's hard for me in that moment when you're saying, Oh, what I'm hearing you say is is that you don't like the socks and then being like, I could see how you know you you not liking the socks is causing you to have a shitty day, because that's not me disrespecting the fact that I don't give a fuck about the socks, and she's pissing you off.
Off she's talking about the socks. It's honoring that the person cares.
It's just listening, and then also hoping that that that post person also hoping that that person will then give you the same respect to hold space for.
Well, I don't even think it's like that. I don't think it's like a tid for tat because.
No, no, I mean and if you have something you need to address, you need to find a moment to address it.
But in that moment, it's not the moment to try to put your footnote of your feelings.
It's your moment to validate, certainly, But that person is trying to say to you, if you feel like you want to talk about how you feel, find another time for that.
Clarity is key.
Some people like to take a break in the middle of a conversation to kind of recenter themselves. I think a timeline is like imperative if you like to take breaks. If you're somebody like that who's like needs to take a five. You can't just like pause a conversation that's
important to two people indefinitely. You need to agree on a time and then go back to it and do whatever you need to do right because we're all responsible for ourselves to come back at that time as your best self, as your most prepared self, even keeled like solutions oriented self. We all communicate differently, and sometimes it's just about even just checking in with the person and asking them for clarity. Hey, you know you said this or you did this thing, or you made this face.
Am I misinterpreting it? And you know what, half of the time you are. Half of the time the person has no idea what the what their impact of their actions were, or maybe it was intentional or or you know, they weren't aware or or maybe you know there was something else going on with them at that moment. Curiosity, I think should be like number three, you know, listening, learn about the person that you're interested in or you're invested in.
Number one, listen.
Number two communication is about understanding, it's not about vomiting.
And number three become curious and number.
Four if you don't want to hear nothing, you just glaze over your eyes and go I not speaking English.
Thank you, let's just kid.
Yeah, all right, babe, Well this is this has been amazing. I think we have one question left. Yeah. Again, can't thank you guys enough for all of your contributions. I love learning about you, even though anonymously.
And again, you.
Know, please don't take our advice as it comes like from two girls who genuinely care about you guys, and based on our life experience and things that we've learned so far in our short lives because we're very young, but you know, we've been through at least enough stuff by this, at least three decades, at least three decades enough to share ourtive, our perspective and things that have helped us, especially like with this communication styles question.
You know that's something that we struggle with.
Yeah, we're always learning, always learning, and always finding new ways to improve. It's never too late in your life to change things about your stuff, yourself, or your environment that aren't working for you. And there are many different ways to do that.
But honor how you feel.
All right, Last question, my mom still talks to my toxic X because she always liked them.
How do I set boundaries? That's a really tough one.
I mean John can answer this one, but all I will say because boundaries are a big thing for me. You know, your toxic X is your toxic X, but your mom is your mom. So I would say that not to expect your ex to change their behavior or try to open a door that is going to be dangerous for you, but hopefully expect that your mom will understand how it's inappropriate for her to continue or.
How it makes you. First of all, again try a conversation. Maybe your mom doesn't really understand why it is that you've gotten no contact with this person, or why they're triggering for you, or why you don't want them around. You can't control other people's relationships. The fact that your mom has a relationship with your ex, even though it
happened through you, is essentially independent of you. I would hope that if you were to express to your ex that you wanted a stern break or separation, that they would respect that. But if they're not respecting that and your mom is continuing the relationship, then perhaps express to your mom how it's making you feel, and if she persists. Unfortunately, you can't control her. You can't control them. The only
thing you do is just control how you engage. If it's something like, you know, really bad where your ex was toxic and you're healing from the relationship, and that means that you need to establish a certain distance with your mom so that you're not confronted by that reality constantly, then maybe that's what you have to do. I would hope that once you let your mom know the severity of the situation that she would absolutely understand and welcome your experience with open arms.
But that's not guaranteed. How do you set the boundary? You just said it.
You just said it, and it can't be you know, mom, My boundary is you can't talk to my ex. The boundary is, Mom, if you you can't respect or you can't honor my wishes, then that means that maybe I won't be able to share with you in this way, or maybe in the future I won't feel comfortable or safe to discuss or share in my romantic relationships with you, or or whatever it is.
It's not easy. It's really not easy. It's a crappy situation.
Because I've been there, I've been there where it's not even because the person's a bad person. I've just wanted to like erase, like clean cut. And you know, my mom has held on it, so you know, I know that it's It's not an easy situation to be in. But chances are if you bring it up at another moment, not in a moment of combat, not like you just found out that they're talking, and you just share how you feel, maybe your mom, you know, can resonate.
And chances are, chances are that your mom has an X. So you go findex and you go on a cruise with them, and you send them a calendar.
Love it. Even baby has the best advice.
You see, I'm saying, start advice, Colin, love it.
We're gonna get myself sued, or don't get sued. We don't need any of that.
Okay, Well, whatever it is, it's worth it because I've enjoyed listening to your guys questions and interacting with you' all. So thank you for being on these two amazing flights with us. We love you and that's what.
We get into next week.
Love you, hey, follow us on in our world, Pard Launch.
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