So welcome back to Imported Horror. This is the podcast that brings you the very best of cliched zombies, man yells at Cloud Energy and what did I Kung Fu Water Monsters from Beyond the Shining Seas. I'm Marcus. I'm here with one of my acrobatic co-hosts. Brady, because apparently I talk like this. I am a very talented voice actor. What can I say? I didn't want to tell you, but yeah. No fair. Pure artistry on my part. Absolute. I've missed my true calling.
Uncanny. It was like Grady was still with us today. The only thing better than my impression of you was my impression of Melissa. Yes. Which, oh, I can do that again. Hi guys. I'm not here. I'm not feeling well. But yeah, have fun. See, impeccable. Talent. You forgot to insult the patriarchy. Oh, well that's true. Yeah. She's so much better at that though. It's down with the patriarchy. I don't know. There you go.
Now that makes it sounds like I don't actually agree with her more often than I don't, but that's okay. So Melissa's not feeling great and that's okay. So Grady and I are going to knock through some, I think, really interesting coming soon. So we've got something for everybody. And then I was promised big man yelling at Cloud Energy about zombie movies, and I have a movie that letterbox tried to threaten me with a good time
and it worked. So, okay, so these are for February 14th through February 20th. Happy Valentine's Day to those of y'all that celebrate Happy Day. Happy meet. Day. To those that don't. Yeah, there you go. I haven't even thought about meet day in a little while, but so in college, Grady and I decided that Valentine's Day was too dramatic, whether you're in a relationship or not. And maybe that was just being in college in the two thousands. Everything was drama, but. We. Decided.
What? Well, maybe I just really wanted barbecue and got on myself. Right. Soapbox out of sarcasm. And you and the twins took it too seriously. That happened a lot actually. But yeah, we went on a barbecue road trip and it was great. Yeah, you could do that too. That's still an option. Yes. But when you get back from your hot date and or barbecue road trip, or you could combine them theoretically, that could be fun. Maybe not with this crop of movies. Let's not try that, fellas.
So we've got three. One that I missed unless significant other is super into horror cheese. Yes, yes. Which, yeah, you got to, that's very high risk, high reward. When it works, it works. And when it doesn't, it really doesn't. In terms of horror cheese. And I say. That from too, some coming Soons, I would say, yeah, sure. Make this a date movie. It'll be a fun icebreaker. These handle with Care. So the first one I actually missed from last week, this one's already out on VOD.
This is a night's war from Canada and the US and I think the movie is much cooler than the title, which does feel really generic. This feels, sorry, read the synopsis and then I'll make fun of it. The Synopsis, A Fearless Night Braves a Deadly Realm to save the Chosen One's soul facing witches demons, and brutal foes. He discovers her return could ignite chaos and Doom humanity. Dead. Founder sells, I think.
Like someone was going to make a Diablo movie and lost the license like three hours into production and then just soldiered on and made it anyway. Yes. Yes. Is exactly what it feels like. I think the title and the description kind understate just how dark and gothic the fantasy is. It comes off as sort of a Lord of the Rings vibe and that's definitely there, but it feels much more like Skyrim with all the extra gothic mods turned on. Yes.
But it comes from good stock. So the main fellow in this is Jeremy Berg, who's been in a fair amount of independent Canadian stuff, including Death Valley, which is on Shutter and I think was literally sort of a home shot monster movie. It's all movie. It doesn't look home shot at all. And the director was his brother, I think brother maybe cousin, but I think Brother Matthew Berg, who you remember Psycho Goreman. I. Do remember Psycho Goreman.
He was the very same, alright, he played Psycho Goreman and Psycho Goman. A very difficult time. Imagining what a psycho goreman without all the psycho goreman on him would look like. I super tall dude from Nova Scotia apparently. Yeah. So he's directing and his brother and some other folks including Kristen Castor, who was also in Death Valley. Yeah. They're credited the Bergs with working on in a violent Nature. But when I go to that on the IMDB, it says that they were,
they've got names. One of 'em is Johnny, one of 'em is the Ranger, but it says scenes deleted and then they have other people cast in those roles further up. So my assumption is maybe somebody ran out of money. Maybe there were artistic differences, maybe they just decided. Something led to them impersonating this dude and rerecording all of his stuff with a different actor. Yes. And it's not just him. There are 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 people on here
that it says scenes deleted. So who knows? Maybe totally innocent, maybe creative differences, but I know what's it. That the Canadian film industry is super weird sometimes and that might have something to do with it. Like their actors unions work a lot differently than ours, and there might've been some wires that got crossed is my. Best. And I don't know how independent these are. It could be independent like a couple of guys just shooting stuff on the
weekend, which is cool. It could be, Hey, that's how we started and now we've got some actual money from some production companies and we have to follow new rules. Who knows? I don't know. But just the affiliation to Psycho Goman alone and the trailer makes this definitely seem interesting. I don't know how much traction it's going to get because people don't always like to IMDB says Action fantasy horror.
And I know a lot of people who want those siloed and don't like crossing those streams and we're fine with it, I think for the most part. But I don't know how typical we are. Just the fantasy horror Venn diagram is a lot narrower than the thriller horror Venn diagram or the sci-fi horror Venn diagram. I'm not sure why exactly, but. I don't get it either. A lot of the classic gothic horror stuff is rooted in fantasy. I mean, there's a bigger through line there than most people realize.
Well, any folk horror, the difference between a fantasy and a folk horror, if it comes down to is it bright and there literally, is it shot during the day and there are hobbits? Or is it shot at night and there's more blood? If that's the only difference, then I don't understand. But I dunno.
I dunno. But it's on VOD now. And I'm assuming, and don't quote me on this because I have no actual idea, but I'm assuming because Psycho Goreman was on Shutter and because a bunch of other Canadian films, independent Canadian films are on shutter, including Death Valley, which they were all involved with. I think this could be a shutter pick in a little while. Maybe an exclusive, maybe not, but I would not be surprised to see this on Shutter before too long. Fair.
Enough. Then a little something for everyone, because the day we're releasing this on V-Day, on Valentine's Day, we have something is about to happen. Oh no, not. Something. No, not something. What could be the something, and I honestly have no idea because this trailer is sort of, it's very Melissa. I think that's the way we're going to have to make her watch this trailer. Maybe the movie when she's back, because this wreaks of Melissa.
Yeah. There is a 50 50 chance that the lady in the trailer is about to hack off someone's John. Yes, yes. Yeah. A woman's life takes a definitive turn. May I've. Known Melissa Long enough that I think that about every woman in every. Movie trailer I see. But. She has, well, I was about to say a fetish, and that's probably not accurate. I hope you're. Okay at that. Let's not pull that thread. But yeah. Yes, she does.
It's like that Phineas Inverb quote, if I had a nickel for every time Melissa made me watch a movie where somebody's junk got sliced off, I only have, what, three or four nickels at this point? Maybe five. But it's alarming. It's happened that many times. Yes. A woman's life takes a definitive turn the day that she loses her job as a computer programmer, which is just Bravo IMDB.
That's just perfect that really, I almost didn't even include this because it doesn't feel like horror only it's listed as it on IMDB and on releases.com where I check all the VD releases. But it's also, there's a line in the trailer, one of the promos that says it goes from something like an offbeat dramedy to a psychotic thriller or a bizarre thriller or something like that. Okay. I could see this being the kind of movie where there's a genre shift. Yeah, I could too.
The likelihood of Johnson disposal just went up to 75%. So it's got that for it. The scene from Big Lebowski where they drop the ferret into the bath just popped into my head. Nice. Marmon. Also completely unrelated to that, the guy in this movie, I was a little distracted because the guy in this trailer looked almost exactly like Adam Driver, who I only know as the really big guy that John Oliver kept trying to get to sit on him during the pandemic. So yeah.
I could see that. I could definitely see that. I don't recall if he ever got his wish. I'm assuming he did, because his. Job, I think Adam Driver called him on the season finale and yelled at him. That works too. What is with the spin? Why do you keep saying all this stuff about me? Yeah. So yeah, this one, some of the other promos talked about Goya, I think nomination, but maybe an award for the lead actor. So I don't know.
This feels like a Melissa movie. We should harass her and make her watch this. That will be my goal. Sure. Marcus. I'm happy to watch it if it's weird. Perfect. There is absolutely, absolutely no way this will blow up in our faces. No, no, no, no, no. Now I could clone her voice with an AI clone. I. Guess we've been over this. No, but y'all take. It personally. None of shame on you. I don't want the say works to come for me. For one, welcome our new robot over Lords. Okay.
I mean, it'd be a lateral move from where we are now, but still no bad Marcus. Then on Monday the 17th, something that's less Melissa, and I think honestly more me, the baby in the basket from the United Kingdom Kingdom, a baby in a basket is left on the steps of an isolated monastery on a Scottish island. The nuns take it in planning to care for it until a storm passes.
Soon though, strange and unexplained events begin to happen at the convent, it's felt to me like sort of a by the numbers none horror movie, and I'm here for that. There were more dudes than I was expecting in a nun horror movie. Like. Any dude, at least the trailer. Yeah. Usually there are very few, if any dudes, but there were dudes in this one and.
None. I dunno. The last convent horror I saw was Immaculate, which we had pretty different opinions on, and that's kind of sour to be on convent horror for the next little while. But hey, maybe this one will be good, or maybe this'll be another Jesus clone spliced with a T-Rex. I don't know. We'll see. I will admit I was not as hot on immaculate once I saw the first omen, which was considerably better. That'll do it.
But I did enjoy Immaculate and I did enjoy trolling y'all about the ending, but it did have some tone issues. It couldn't decide if it wanted to be serious or ridiculously campy. And. You have to pick or Jurassic Park, but with Jesus, yes. Jesus. Sick park. Well, so, oh, okay. Well, I was going to say a baby. The baby in the basket is 5.5 out of 10 on. Okay, I'm done. 5.5 out of 10 on imdb, but it's only got 12 reviews right now, so that probably isn't fair.
Yeah, you always kind of have to give it at least two extra points. Give. Give For sure. For sure. So I don't know, I can't promise a. Ton. Roger Ebert hated horror, and every Wouldbe internet critic wants to be Roger Ebert. Yeah. Called him dead teenager movies. Yeah, that's sort of the whole point. Again, don't threaten me with a good time. So you want to yell at your cloud? Why don't you go ahead and talk about yours first. Okay.
So I really want to know why your screen name is. I am a great magician. Because I am a great magician. My shirt is red. No, my shirt is black and I'm not even going to shirt. I'm not even going to explain that. If you know, don't Google it and drop everything and watch that movie because it is perhaps, have I made Emily watch that movie? I don't think I have. She's still in a relationship with you, so I'm going to guess No. Okay. That needs to happen. Maybe not on Valentine's Day weekend.
Maybe that's pushing it. No, but our fifth anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, so maybe that's. Let's not have it be attached to any special occasion. Let's just have it be a random weekend. Weekend when y'all are bored. Okay. Okay. Well, we'll see. We'll, we'll play it by ear, but I think that needs to happen. So Water Monster was still in kind of a monstery move from last week and I think the week before, because I did the tank and there was another monster.
I don't remember what I did the week before, but monsters were still on my brain. And so I googled around and I looked, and the Letterboxed or Water monster, which is from China, was saying, well, man, it is just the creature from the Black Lagoon, but with Kung Fu, and at least some of the letterbox reviews made that sound like a bad thing. I said, wait, me, that's objectively not. Exactly. That sounds amazing.
And it had already been on my list on Hayah, the martial arts channel, which I don't watch a ton on, but when you're in a kung fu mood, Hayah is where it's at, and it's also dirt cheap. I don't remember how much I paid for your subscription, but it's not much at all. And every time you bring up Haya, it reminds me that Haya exists, and that means this weekend I get to watch Baby Assassins again.
Yes, yes. They came. Out. That is the only thing I have watched on Haya, and it is totally validated my Hiya subscription. Have you seen the second one? No, but I need to. Yeah. Yeah. They came out with the second one. I've been saving it to watch when you're around, and I keep forgetting about it when you are around, but Water Monster from 2019 from China, a man killed by, and I know this is going to sound racist, it's not, I promise. I think something just got lost in translation.
A man killed by a quote Water monkey while fishing with his son. It's not, it's genuinely not. I'm going to trust you in a vacuum. That does sound bad. It does. I will give you that. And I know China has some, we do too. We have some issues with that sort of stuff, but I don't think they mean a literal monkey. And even that they should have just stuck with Monster. I think that was a translation issue, but a man killed by a water monkey while fishing with his
son, because IMDB doesn't translate. Well, 10 years later, the monster reappears and kills people. The son has to assemble villagers together to fight the monster to protect his lover. I mean, it's Creature of the Black Lagoon, but Chinese and with Kung Fu. Yes. And also it's only 77 minutes long. Yeah, that tracks. You see the monster pretty early. And I love American action movies, don't get me wrong, but we don't do the Wire fu nearly as much or nearly as
well. And so in an American movie, there's a lot of shooting and a lot of yelling and a lot of slow-mo this, they strapped the dude in the monster suit, put some wires around his wrists and his ankles and everything, and then spun him in the air while throwing stuff at him. And I'm sure it wasn't all practical effects, but it's so ridiculous and crazy that it works. So I mean, I can't say that all of the Chinese sense of humor landed for me.
You can tell they're kind of spoofing, sort of like on an expendables level, all the tropes and the sidekicks that are maybe stupid, maybe a little intellectually disabled. It's not completely clear. I think I'm losing something in translation there too. Some of that didn't land for me, but the Kung fu and the Water Monster, that definitely landed for me. Alright. And it had big sci-fi movie, original Energy, and.
Some of the reviews also, I know how this is going to sound, but it feels like every movie we've reviewed from China has big sci-fi original movie Energy. Oh yeah. Or at least tries to. Absolutely. Some of them arguably do Not Succeed add Spider Sea. I am looking in your direction. So I have a friend of mine, a colleague, is from Shanghai, and I thought he was cool. I did.
I thought he was cool and he could still recover from this, but we were hanging out and we were talking about a research paper we're doing, and I said, oh, by the way, I saw a movie from China this weekend. He looked at me and kind of went, oh. And I told him a little about the podcast and I told him, water Monster. And he looked at me deeply, deeply suspicious. And he Googled it and he looked at it and he had this look on his face like, oh,
you poor bastard. And he said, there are cinemas, studio production companies in China that try to spend as little as possible on movies they send directly to the internet. And then if only one out of a hundred makes a profit, that's okay. They're good with that. And I looked at him and I said, yeah. We have that in America too. It's called the Asylum. I told him that too. And I told him about Cosa versus the rest of them in Sharknato. I said, we do that too.
But he seemed to miss the part where this was a good thing. This was a feature, not a bug. And he promised he'd find a good Chinese movie for me to watch. And I don't. That defeats the purpose though. It does. It does. I'm not trying. To appreciate your culture. We're trying to make fun of it. It sounded bad. Now that I say that out loud. Rethink our whole mission statement here. There's a trashy movie about the Chupa Cobra on Tubi. I want to watch that too.
Yes. Insult me. But I came home and I told Emily about this. The trash is part of the kaleidoscope of life. Yes. You can't just give us all the good stuff that's just patronizing. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like that line from Gladiator. It all adds to the flavor. But I came home and I told Emily about this, and she said in fairness that she had had the same reaction when I told her about Water Monster. And that prompted me to do the, did you call the frowny.
Call it a water monkey, because that might have also been a factor. No, no, no. I've been very careful about that. Yes. But when she said she wasn't interested, I did the frowny, Michael Serra, the Sad from Arrested Development, and I realized that everybody betrayed me and I fed up with this swirl.
So yeah. Anyway, if you want to see people getting dismembered by a dude in a black preacher from the Black Lagoon suit doing Kung fu, then subscribe to High Ya and watch this movie because it is, and. Probably like seven or eight other movies, I'm pretty sure have that exact same description on ia. We just haven't found them yet.
Pretty much. Yeah, pretty much. And I got to, again, with the genre mashups, I guess we could say the same thing here, and IMDB does list this as fantasy, but I think that has more to do with China and their domestic rules and preferences about horror and. Fantasy. Yeah, there's some weird, when the government controls your media to the extent that China's government controls their media, there's going to be some weird genre decisions. You got to ride around some.
Things. Yeah. Dictatorship's going to dictate, and that's a bummer. But at the same time, I would much rather be talking about a movie that we can just pretend is fantasy and not horror instead of all the nasty things we'd be talking about otherwise if we were actually at each other's throats anyway. I liked it. I think three and a half stars on Letterboxed. No fear whatsoever. Watch it, make your friends, watch it, subscribe to Hiya. Yes. And then after you watch that watch maybe assassins.
Yeah. Well, and that's the other fun thing about Hiya too, because just scrolling through it, I can tell at this point just by looking at the description and the poster and everything, if it's a, because they mostly pull stuff from across East Asia. It's from wel Go USA, which is from, I think headquartered in Plano actually. So it's both very foreign and very loco, very local. Maybe loco too.
I can kind of tell just from looking if it's a Chinese movie or South Korean movie or a Japanese movie or from Southeast Asia, they've all sort of got their own personalities and different media structures too, which leads to different types of movies and similar takes on similar ideas, but still distinct. I don't know. I have a lot of fun with it. Okay, I'm going to yell at clouds now. Okay. I'm excited. So my movie was Die Alone from 2024. It is on Tubi and from Canada.
Always, by the way, a great sentence on Tuby from Canada. Love that. I, MDB summary tells the story of a young man, thats how it starts, tells the story of a young man. We've got a sentence fragment here who has amnesia. He bands together with a rugged survivalist in a zombie-like outbreak to find his girlfriend. The Rugged survivalist is played by Carrie Ann Moss. Nice. She is the reason that this movie stood out to me. She is what made this movie tolerable.
Seriously. She is just a cool old lady and the decent actress. Too. I feel like part of the issue is that the things that she's most well-known for is The Matrix, and there are statistically far more bad matrix movies than Good Matrix movies, which is a shame because one Good Matrix movie was really. Good. Yeah. Genre defining. But Area Moss is a good actress.
And she's good at this and it's good that she was good in this because otherwise this movie had some, this is not really my kind of movie because this kind of borrows from, this kind of carries on the trend that I think mostly started with the Walking Dead and was carried on by the last of us and just a whole host of other zombie movies and Joes and whatnot that become sense. Apparently the zombie apocalypse turns everyone into assholes. Oh yeah. That tracks. And this movie in.
Particular, there's a lot of emphasis. So I'm going to get into this as spoiler free as I can, but I don't think this part's a spoiler. This happens literally the first time we see a zombie is when we notice this. So the zombies in this movie are like plant creatures, basically. Remember the mushroom zombies from the Gaia, I think? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's basically a more realized and also slightly lower special effects budget version of that. So kind of last of us see.
More moss than mushroom, but still they're lurching plant people basically. And the main characters use the fact that they're plant creatures to. Go into this big, oh, we think we're being philosophical, but we're really not rant about, oh, the earth is fighting back against humanity. We've gone too far. The Berg Demic Shock and Terror lecture on global warming comes to mind. Except they don't even bring up global warming. It's just the fact that humans are assholes.
There is nothing environmental. About the things that they're complaining about. If anything, they're complaining about how people acted during the pandemic. Which was also terrible, don't get me wrong. But we don't see anything about the environment. We just see people holding up signs and refusing to wash their hands and violence in the streets. And. It ultimately does not factor into the plot that much. It feels like something they just kind of tacked on and it's kind.
Of caused me to, I'm sure this exists and someone's already talked about it, but I've never heard anyone talk about it, so I'm going to go ahead and coin a term for it. Okay. Misery, pandering. Yeah. Because in the year of our Lord 2025, when everything sucks and yeah, everything does. Suck. I'm not going to get into that here. But it feels like complaining about how much everything sucks has become such a hot button, easy to get applause and clicks thing that it's just kind of getting
shoehorned into stuff. Yeah, that's what I thought until I watched this movie the entire way through and. Then I started wondering something. I'm going to try to get into this as spoiler free as. Possible, but pretty much all of the characters that are. Voicing this, everything sucks. And this virus is humanity, is the earth's way of wiping out humanity because the earth is sick of our shit. That whole narrative. Is pushed by characters that aren't super reliable narrators.
And we also only see the post apocalypse humanity being terrible each other to each other aspect of this film through people being terrible to the. Protagonists specifically. And we learn things about the protagonists later in the. Movie. Great. And that's about far as I can go without spoiling things. So I'm wondering, is this on purpose? Did this movie set up all of this misery pandering and set up this Walking Dead Last of us esque expectation on purpose to disguise the plot twist?
And I only had this realization about an hour before we started recording, and I frantically looked to see if there was anyone that talked about this movie and had the same theory and I couldn't find anything. I mean, it would make sense. And the misery porn, the misery pandering, that's such a staple in zombie movies. That's part of the reason I can't get into it anymore. It's always, oh my God, everything is terrible. There are zombies. Yes,
I know everything is always terrible. But now especially, can we, what are we doing? What are we doing? And it gets so preachy after a while. So trying to invert that could be fun, but it doesn't sound like this really stuck the Landing. I kind of was looking for something to latch onto. It was kind of a are you serious or is this ironic sort of thing. And it's really difficult to get into specifics without spoiling the twist. Which, how zany is it? Are we talking an maniacs level twist?
Are we talking success. Level twist closer to six sense level twist. Okay. And I realized I just dated myself by pulling two nineties references out of my ass. But still. No, that's okay. It's the kind of twist that's been done in a horror movie before and just in this context with all the other stuff going on, it felt original or original ish enough that I wondered is some of what I thought was shortcomings. In this movie Done on purpose.
And unless you really care about it and want to see it, I may tell you. The twist afterward just to, you know what I'm talking about. Or just do it either way. So. Basically turns. Out that the main character, the dude with amnesia, he is a zombie and his girlfriend and later after something in the prologue happened to his girlfriend, Carrie. Ann Moss kind of are feeding him people. Okay.
They're feeding him people. Yes. And. They're the ones that keep talking about how humanity sucks and all the other characters are mean to him, and you find out the other characters are being mean to them. They know what they're doing. Oh, okay. How does he not know? He is a zombie. Because of the amnesia. But he's not walking around. Walks. He works out when he eats people and when he comes to, he forgets everything. He forgets a zombie outbreak even happened.
I feel like if I ate somebody, I would remember that. Well, that's because you don't have a tree in your brain. I realize now that I've described it all, this sounds very stupid. I can see maybe the first time, what am I doing? I don't understand. But at some point muscle memory kicks in and you're like, yeah, I'm a zombie. I. Want to, that just feels like it's trying so incredibly hard.
But going back to my point now that we know what kind of characters this guy and Gary and Moss and his dead girlfriend is all of the usual zombie movie, everybody, socks trappings. Was that meant to mislead? I mean, to some degree. Yeah, it would. Make sense. Then I asked myself, were the writers of the movie clever enough to do this? And I'm not a hundred percent sure on that.
Well, it reminds me of the conversation about Immaculate that we were just having, because you could do that in a campy stupid way. That's a lot of fun and make a point with it. Or you could try to do something so silly very seriously and it just kind of doesn't land. Right. Yeah, no, and that is definitely this movie's biggest fault is it is All edge. Yeah. The first 30 seconds, and I probably should have opened with this, this is a big trigger warning first 30 seconds, dude shoots himself.
Yeah. Yeah. This is that kind of edge Lord of a movie. And you can't do that and have, oh, by the way, I'm a zombie law. If you can put law at the end of your plot twist, then how. Simple you can put wall at the end of any plot twist is just how sarcastic are you being with that law? Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. My psychiatrist was dead the whole time law. Yeah, but dad, but I have. My mom's corpse in the attic and I dress like her and stab people lull. See, you can do that with any twist.
Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. All alright. Fair enough, fair enough. But I don't know, maybe this is just. Me. Sorry, I spoiled the ending to Casablanca. It's an old movie. Everyone needs to get over it. Maybe it's just me. I just get so tired of preachy, zombie movies. Maybe the best example, the best recent example was the sadness, which also I suppose had that same issue because if you want.
To lean into, oh yeah, that's what that movie was known for, that was the Edge Lord Zombie movie, to the point that it was kind of overhyped, I thought. Yeah, yeah, I would agree with that. And if you have fun with that kind of blood splatter, something like Blood Fest or Hell Fest, you can have a lot of fun with it. But if you couple that edge, Lord ridonculous violence with a super somber, super serious tone, then at some point you start to get whiplash
and the sadness has its place. I'm not even really knocking it, but. Sure. And again, I get why. Especially not to put too fine a point on it, but in the year of our Lord 2025, I get why misery porn is a thing. Yeah. I regret that misery pand is a thing, but I get everything sucks is a valid opinion to have. I am not trying to take that away from you.
And if you feel seen when you see that reflected in the things you watch and you seek out stuff for that purpose, if that's your way of dealing with it. I get it. That's a reasonable thing to do. I personally prefer escapism, but that's got just as many faults as that, and there are better things than this to watch. If you have that urge. I mean, sometimes it's rare, but sometimes I do have the urge to just watch something that's like none more black and just get my bleak on.
My personal favorite for that is the dark and the wicked. Partly because it was shot in Texas and partly because it is really bleak, but even then there's a limit. And too, if you dwell on how much everything always sucks, then nothing's going to get better. Nothing's going to change, especially when a lot of the people making everything suck or doing it just to trigger a reaction from you just to get you to say something crazy or feel shitty, and so just don't just be like you're weird.
Stop that the point of. Your watch, especially when the movie executives of the world are being like, oh yeah, everything sure sucks. Watch our movie. Yes. There is a weird commercial angle to it too. You're absolutely right. Misery pandering. Yep. Now, Tubi in tub's defense tubi is not particular to misery. Pandering Tubi is particular to whatever videos they can find at the Goodwill that they can digitize and throw up there. They're very equal opportunity in toy's. Defense.
I don't know when they start bringing genetics into it, that's where I just have to say, take a step back and be like, you okay Tuby? I thought, did you do that? No. Did you take the test? It's your tubi test or something like that. I'll put a link to it in the show notes, but it walks you through. I watched the Tubi Super Bowl Ed. It was unsettling. I believe it. Yeah. But you answer a bunch of questions and it gave, what did it give me? So it told me my movie genetics and it was mostly
accurate. Here we go. Alright, you're totally scientific. That's itis, by the way, my test to be.com, your totally scientific results are back from the lab. 20% sci-fi, 19% horror, 18% comedy. I'm surprised horror is only 18%. 19, but yeah. Oh, okay. Basically, I mean almost a three-way tie between sci-fi horror and comedy. Okay. What's the other 40%? Let's see. 16% documentary, 8% Western, 5% crime, 5% drama, 5% reality, 4% romance. And I do have a slight beef with this last one. 0% fantasy.
I would definitely put fantasy above at least romance in reality. But sometimes you feel alien here on Earth where others say, yikes. You say, yes, please. Yeah. That's accurate. Everyone wants you in their inner circle. No, that's definitely not true. Congratulations. You're an otherworldly viewer that sits amongst us. I can't argue with most of that. Yeah. So I did redo it and try to game the system to give me as much horror as I could, and I managed to get horror up to.
End up on an FBI watch list. Maybe. Yeah, I got horror to 25 or 26%, but then it was followed by I think maybe drama or romance or something like Tubi knew what I was doing and it was trolling me right back. So I don't know about that, but I can't, the only beef I have with it is that fantasy, which is much too low. But the rest of it, sci-fi horror comedy. Yeah, I'm here for that. That works. I mean, I watched a movie with. So this is a shorter episode. Why don't we do something fun?
It's buy test two b.com. Yes. Yes. Do it. Okay. Do it, do it, do it. Do it. We're. Going to do this live. What should we call you, Mr. Awesome. You wake. Up in the middle of the desert and see a saloon. You enter and you await a saloon pass. Challenge someone to a dual, skip to the piano player and request your favorite tune al coin on the bar and demand a cold drink. Timeout real quick for procedural stuff. So you've got four choices for every prompt and it randomizes them every time.
So that's what continue. Okay. Oscillating between piano player and gold to coin and cold drink. I remember what I did, but I don't want to tell you. I don't want to bias you. Okay. Piano player outhouse break. You enter and are transported through a portal. You spawn in the middle of a lush forest and you feel something in your pocket. I've got something in my front pocket for you. Don't reach out in my pocket and see what it is. Oh, okay. That's the wrong one. There we go.
Okay. That is not one of the options, by the way. Magic sword. That shows you a world of in pain, time to save it. You get scared to take off your pants. It's a locket with a photo of a sexy elf inside spoon. You put the locket on. It's a bag of glitter. You sprinkle some onto yourself and start chatting with animals. Sword or sexy elf, sword. Sword. Suddenly two. People rush past and knock you over. There are loud sirens in the enchanted forest.
Apparently they're running away from the law. They drop a bag of cash, you open it and grab a few stacks. You stop the police and give them clear description of the suspects you run in their direction and join the heists. You disassociate. Too intense. I love that. Any of these could be the plot of a Tubby movie. Literally any. Of them. In real life, I would probably disassociate, but I'm going to say I'm going to run in their direction and join the heist. Nice.
After that encounter, you head to the hospital to get checked out. The doctor reports. You have three days. To live. You replay your whole life and practice deep gratitude. You film A-G-R-W-M to die video and memorialize your last moments on the internet. I don't know what that means. Yeah, I didn't either. Let me google it real quick. What was it? GRWM to die video. GRWM to die. We probably just exposed ourselves as olds. The other choices.
Are hit up your dog walker to bring your pup to the hospital. Got to soak up every second, or hire an event planner and drop all your cash on a bye-bye party. I mean. In real life, I'd do the dog thing as, I mean obviously. Oh, okay. It means get ready with me. Oh, that's stupid. I'm picking the dog walker. Apparently there are people who are dying who get on TikTok and actually do that, which I could understand how it could be therapeutic for some people.
Yeah, but not me. I'm getting Henry in here. Yeah, that makes sense. The doctor sees you crying and says, just kidding. I was messing with you. You are so healthy and are able to keep slaying in life with this news. You laugh. The doctor really got you. You skip out of the ER with relief. Return to work and check your email, pretend to die right there as the ultimate prank on the doctor. Sue the hospital for malpractice. You win a million dollars in court.
I think in real life I would actually punch the doctor, but as that's not an option. I'm going to say pretend to die right there as the ultimate prank on the doctor. Okay. That one I did as well. Yes. Okay. You need to de-stress after that. A friend trip makes it out of what? A friend trip makes it out of the group chat and. Onto a private, what are you having a stroke? Okay, we're salad. We're on a private island now.
Upon arrival, you take an outdoor shower, overhear your friends, calling you trashy, and start recording for blackmail. Snag the best bedroom and FaceTime your situation, ship all day. Unpack, discover bedbugs and ruin the vibes in the via. Refuse to get out of the sprinter van. Drama starts in here. I don't like any of these choices. I feel like Tubby, maybe. I'm, I'm confused how there's a sprinter van on an island. How did the van get to the island?
I want to know when I knocked Dan unconscious and stole a sprinter van. Also that and how you got it all the way to an island, because despite the name, that thing does not go fast. No. Well, of the choices I could parse. Because I think David is having a stroke right now. I can either discover big bugs and ruin the vibe of the via. Or refuse to get out of the sprinter van. I going to discover bedbugs. Nice. There is a power outage on the island.
You can't find your prince in the pitch dark villa. I think it's pronounced Villa. Didn't you hear a scream? You smile, hot twist. You are the villain and you plan to this. Shatter a wine glass and get ready to fight. Crawl into a hiding spot, bump into a housemate and team up to find safety. Text the hot neighbors as they. Invite you to safety. Bye. You are out. Okay. This is a genuinely tough one. Not saying I would competently do it or it would lead to anything.
Good, but I'm going to shatter a wine glass and get ready to fight. Nice. OMG. There was a murder on the trip and the story is headline news, A two B original documentary called The Villa Villain is being made. When you're approached for an interview, you decline. It's too much of a vibe. Conflict with your memoir. Suddenly have short-term amnesia. Agree to speak and let your electricity recovery charity for the island. What about your notes app and recount every shady detail.
I'm going to say short-term amnesia. You're getting another. Call. It's your significant other, the sexy elf. They tell you they have accepted a job overseas and need to have a serious talk about the relationship. You leave sexy elf on read call sexy elf, throw them out. No chasing. Just attracting you mentally. Prepare for a breakup. What else could it be? Your heart is pounding. Sexy Elf's. Definitely proposing, right? You had forgotten about sexy elf, hadn't you?
I had, yes. I. Thought when I didn't pick the sexy elf locket, I removed sexy elf from the proceedings. Plot twist Tubi. Sexy elf is never removed from the proceedings. Well, I'm going to leave sexy elf on re because I am a sexual, turns out what sexy elf said overseas job, they meant outer space. Sexy Elf is part of an elite group of aliens who came down to earth to research the liminal space that exists in the spacetime continuum.
Sexy elf morphs into a hot alien and asks you to board their spaceship. You look up at the stars and think, nah, Earth's still home. Start looking for the hidden camera that's been rolling on you this whole time. Start mood boarding your future space crib in your head. Ask for a. Spaceship Tour tutorial on every room is a must. I guess I'm beginning to suspect this. Whole thing might be stupid. What? No. This is the top minds. Top minds. Top men, I think is the line.
Top men have been working on this for years. This is pure scientific data collection. Tubi is in your head right now, and Tubi already knows what you're going to say. Well, I'm going to start looking for the hidden camera. Tubi knew that. Mr. Awesomes analysis. I forgot that I named myself Mr. Awesome. Okay. 26% comedy, 22% crime, 21% fantasy. I could see that somewhat worrying for the co-host of a horror podcast. Or is it 8%?
Well, so I think some of the horror decisions conflicted with some of the sci-fi decisions. I think is part of it, maybe, or I don't know. Well, I only got 7%. Then. I don't know. But comedy and crime, what's the description of it? A comedy, sun, crime, moon, fantasy rising. Everyone wants you in their inner circle. I think it just says that to everybody. Maybe. You've never met a case you couldn't crack.
The realm of dreams is your preferred place to play. Congratulations, your wise cracking remote hijacker that sits amongst us, and I'm not convinced Tobe didn't have a stroke. I mean, that is sort of your role on the podcast though too, making wise cracks and brew wise cracks and listen. Only being superficially into horror. Yeah. Yeah. That's basically what I do here. Well, I think Tubi has once again proved its genius. Okay. Well check the, it gives you recommendations too.
Yeah. Yeah, I will. Yeah. Let's see here. Your tuby picks, assuming I'm assuming. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ooh, swing and a miss on all of these. Oh, no. Yeah, I forgot. This is Tuby. What did it suggest? Everybody. Hates Chris. Yeah, that was one of mine too. Okay. Which might be funny. I don't know. I haven't seen it. I know it's Chris Rock's thing. Yeah, yeah. And Borders, which I've never heard of. And Love Witch, which appears to be gilo based solely on the thumbnail.
Yeah. It's sort of a Throwbacky Gilo. Okay. Okay. I said, but it said, not horror, but Jello or More crime, which that was one of mine. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. That was on mine. Both of those were on mine too, so it was Alcatraz, which I had never heard of, but I love me some, Sam Neil, so I may actually check it out. Okay. Interesting. And Lowlifes, which legit has been on my Tubi list for some time. Okay.
If it helps, was interesting. I got scared and took off my pants, and I think that's what gave me horror vibes when I felt something in my pocket in the forest, and yeah, I don't know. I'm just assuming. And to the surprise of no one, when the Hot Alien appeared, I was like, yes, let's go check out every single room on your fancy spaceship. No hesitation.
Whatsoever. We are going. I strongly considered that, but I thought I was kind of starting to game the system at this point, and I thought, okay, that's the Fast trek to those crappy home renovation shows. I don't want that. I didn't even think about that, but yeah. Yeah. So take your Tubi test, have some fun with it and see what you got. I'm going to make Emily take it too. I think she saw my text, but she hasn't had a chance to play around with it yet.
I don't think so, but it's fun. I love Tubi. It's stupid Tubi. It is. I used to be a Tubie hater and now I'm not. I'm a tubie garbage person At the end of the day. Tubi knows it. I know it. You know? Definitely know it. I've made you watch movies for years. Yes. Well, if you are still listening, give us a shout out on threads. Follow us on letterboxed. Give us a shout out on Letterboxed. If you want, shoot us an email. Tell your friends about us.
Tell your friends about My tubi test.com and subscribe to Hi ya. Watch some zombie movies and some monster movies, and we'll be back next week hopefully, to harass Melissa about a maybe somber, maybe kind of pompous Spanish movie with a twist where somebody's dingdong might get chopped off. We never know. Never, never. And in all honesty, if she were to just tell us that happened, I would believe her sight unseen.