Life Audio. Welcome to I Wish You could Hear This, where we explore great stories and simple, proven steps to help you thrive in life, faith, and relationships.
In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, and life that are grounded in science and consistent with biblical truth, and now you can hear them too.
I'm Shaunty Felton.
And I'm Jeff Felton.
Men, have you ever felt frustrated when something is bugging your wife or your girlfriend, like maybe she's worried that a friend is upset with her and she keeps bringing it up and seems, in your thoughts to unable to let it go. Well, there is a reason for that,
and it is related to her brainwiring. And in this episode, we're going to show you how understanding your wife or your girlfriend in this way can give you the opportunity to go from being kind of fresh to being an absolute hero in her eyes and women, this episode, I hope will also unlock for you what he might not understand and show you, guys, how to get on the same page.
So I'm excited to talk about this topic. You know, when we were first doing a lot of our research for the book that was became four Men Only Helping Men Understand Women. This particular topic felt like a little bit of a secondary topic to me.
Kind of Yeah, like we thought, you know, it's not quite as important. It's interesting, but it's not quite as right.
I guess we were kind of wrong. You were very wrong, because at our events, men and women both will come up and go, wow, that really made sense to me. That really opened up my eyes to a number of things about what my spouse was thinking.
Well, I didn't even realize as a woman, the things that were sort of going on in my head. This was very liberating in a lot of ways.
Because we live in our own heads. We don't know what other people, what is natural for other people, So why don't we give an illustration.
I was just going to say, tell them the word picture. Yeah.
So, if we think of our brains as being a computer desktop, think of your computer desktop. When we're talking about how men process through thoughts, feelings, emotions. Correct most men, it's as if on our computer we have one window open.
At a time, one thought.
We work on it. We work on it, do whatever is necessary to get it to the point where we feel like the task has been completed, the thought is finished, we click the X make it go away, and then open up the next feeling, thought, emotion, et cetera, and we work through that one. And it's very sequential. But for us guys, we'd say very efficient in doing things that way. Now, our wives, their brains operate a little
differently then than us guys. So their desktop, it's as if when it comes to thoughts, feelings, emotions, they've got ten windows open at the same time, and they are toggling between all ten seemingly twenty at the same Yeah, at the same time.
Right, Yes, lots of thoughts, lots of feelings swirling in our minds.
And then it's almost like, I don't know how else to say it, but it's almost like their desktop has been infected with a sort of virus because another window pops up on that desktop that they don't want.
There, worry about what's going on with the kids.
Correct or whatever, and so they click the X to make it go away, and it does, and then it pops right back up, and they click the X to make it go away and it pops back up. Yep, So what's going on here?
With that. So here is the thing for you guys to be aware, for the men to know is that And I'm assuming you're talking about like what's going on with the brain wiring?
Correct, Is that what you're asking?
Okay, So, because here's the thing. Now, obviously we say a lot of times there's exceptions to this, this is this is very much in general the male brain and the female brain. And I can talk a little bit more later if you want about I actually have interviewed some neuroscientists about this whole thing to try to make sure that we're being accurate. But basically, what's going on is that the male brain is literally wired differently in
most cases than the female brain. Literally, if you look at some of the different scans that are done, some neuroscientists are like, it's almost like you're looking at the
brains of two different species. Like they're that the wiring and the connections is literally that different, and there is a reason for this different way of processing thoughts and worries and emotions and all that because for men, well, let me say for women, women have tons of connections between the hemispheres of the brain, So inter hemisphere connections going back and forth and back and forth, and lots of connections just in general and the verbal centers and
just there's a lot of a lot going on that basically allows a lot of fast, kind of surface level processing. And it's all very open window ish, right like, So ten windows open at a time is not overwhelming, No, it's well, it can't it can be, but that's what our brains are designed for. Men's brain because there's a lot of processing capacity. Men's brains are literally when you talk about being compartmentalized that that's not just a pop
culture reference, although it is. There's actually some physics behind that, some physiology. We're in the male brain. There are more modular connections within each hemisphere of the brain and not as many connections between the hemispheres of the brain, and there's a different structure to it's called the corpus closim which is kind of a super highway between the hemispheres.
There's basically some differences that basically make it easier and more natural for a man to think about one thing deeply at a time and work on that very deeply, and then you're done with that and then move on to the next thing. And so there's actually physiological reasons for what we see when men and women have this different ways of processing these worries or these emotions that especially the ones they don't want there.
You know, it's so interesting when I think about the clicking the X and making the window go away. Yeah, I think about some of the times in the events where I've shared how you and I perhaps have had a disagreement over coffee in the morning, and I then realize and the disagreement hasn't.
Been results, and it's and it's a very emotional.
And then I realize I've got a client meeting that I have to get to, so I excuse myself and I get in my car as I'm driving down, you know, out of our neighborhood, and this is what I always ask the guys in the audience, I say, what happens to that thought? As I drive away from our house and almost everywhere all.
The guys go. And if you're not looking at this on YouTube, you can't see that. I just went my hand over my head like gone, gone whatever.
I'm in work mode, and you know, I've clicked the X and made that go away. And then I say, you know, if I'm honest, when I come home, I'm hoping you did the same thing, and you respond.
And I always ask the women in the events. I'm always say late, and all of the women shake their head and go nope.
And and that's because of this unique wiring, right.
Yes it is. It's because of the fact of an open window has just popped up, and.
The open window is the worry that are we going to be?
Are we going to be okay? Like are not? Are we going to be okay? Like there's a divorce in the offing? No, it's like just are we okay? Right? Like it's just is it what's going on? I feel all stirred up? Like it feels bad? Are we okay?
How mad is he gonna stay? How long is he gonna go?
Like this is this going to be a beginning of a season of not doing so well and not enjoying being together for the next few weeks because now I did something or he did something and he's in a mood. I mean, it's just your brain goes in all these
different directions. And that's part of what we mean when we talk about the windows, Like it's all these different ideas, these different thoughts, these are different worries now pop up, and so now we're like, oh my gosh, you know, so for example, if you drive away and you're upset, you know you're going to the client meeting. And now, yeah, I'm trying to work on my day. I have work I have to do. I have stuff, you know, phone
calls to do in meetings I have to have. But that thought of that argument keeps popping back up, and candidly it now has a host of baby thoughts around it because oh, gosh, you know, we're supposed to be going out to dinner with another couple tonight. Is he going to be in the mood for that? Or hey, we have a marriage event that we have to go
to tomorrow. And every every marriage author has we've all compared notes of We've all all of us, one hundred percent of us have had those instances where we are driving up to the venue and furious with each other and then you have to go stand on stage and smile and like share.
Fortunately, that is it's common, right, but it does to everybody. So this isn't just deserved to us you and me. I mean as far as a husband and a wife in a relationship, this kind of open window thing can come up with any sort of anything.
So relationships, it's about anything.
So let's just give another quick example. So let's just say that you come home, we're getting ready to go out on a trip, and you say, as we're getting ready to leave, you're saying, you know what, I think one of my colleagues misinterpreted something I said. I think I hurt their feelings or maybe they hurt yours. It just feels unsettled, and yet you're not able to meet with them.
Yeah, gone, gone.
And so you've brought that up maybe a few times. And then if me like the typical guy, I oftentimes will respond with what I think is the best possible advice, and that is, look, there's nothing you can do about it, babe, so just don't think about it. Oh to be you, Oh to be me, so brilliant, so so helpful.
It's so helpful, and so guys think it is helpful. And I'm just telling the guys out there. I can't remember what the number is. I should have looked it up before we started, but it's something like eighty seven percent or something of women are like you're saying.
Click the X and make it go and make it go away.
And we can't do that. It is not actually helpful advice. And we and we actually don't even know what you're talking about, Like I've never been able to really do that, and so I don't kind of know what you mean by.
That, but you understand that it apparently can be done.
Apparently it can be done, but it's very fortun to us.
So I guess let's let's unpack a few things here. One, let's unpack what a guy could do instead, right, But I would actually love to know whether or not this is just kind of unique to us, you know, or is it more male female brain differences? And you had talked to a number of neuros.
Science did I did so? And I'm gonna actually explain this from the beginning here. So I talked to a number of neuroscientists about this. There's been a bunch of different neuroscientific studies. I'm going to put in the show notes a link to an article or two by Reuben and Rachel Gerr, who are eminent neuroscientists that have studied the male and the female brain. And so basically from the beginning here here is kind of a simp This
is very simplistic. I'm just going to tell you any neuroscientists listening to this, I apologize as in advance that this is oversimplified. But basically, think of when you're talking about these windows and how difficult it is for men for women to close out those things that are bothering them, where it's a little more easy for men to do that.
There's there's some wiring reasons for that. So if you think of the two hemispheres of the brain, so like two fists that are are put together, that's kind of the size of the brain basically, right, And in between the two hemispheres the women's a woman's brain. There's tons of connections that run between the hemispheres, and there's a different structure in what's called the corpus colosum, which is
sort of a super highway between the hemispheres. Basically, there's just a lot of networking cables that are just running everywhere, and there's just processing everywhere and everything is it creates this open these all these open windows, and you can process and think, and our brains are wired to process all this emotion and everything all at the same time. Okay, Now, a man's brain, if you think of the two hemispheres.
There aren't as many connections between the hemispheres. The corpus colosum is structured quite differently, and and the way that the studies have found the men's brains, it's more like within each hemisphere of the brain, there are more connections within the hemisphere, so it's more modular. Like when you talk about guy's brains being compartmentalized, there's actually a physiological
reason behind that because of these more modular connections. And so basically another way of thinking about it is think of a woman's a man's brain, as he's more able to do one thing at a time really well, and she's able to process a lot at a surface level. It's almost like and if you especially look at the corpus colosum, and there's more grain matter that is more compartmentalized.
Again for the men, it's almost like you have those giant Cray supercomputers, those ones that can do like trillions of calculations per second for you know, the space agencies and you know that kind of stuff. And for a man's brain, it's almost like you have these isolated Cray supercomputers. So like think of it as three isolated Cray supercomputers
that are sitting there, and it goes in. For a man, it goes to the thought, the feeling, the worry, It goes into the supercomputer and he processes it very different, so very thoroughly.
So as I'm understanding this, one of those Cray supercomputers is engaged yes doing yes, so, and then the other two are ready.
Yeah, this is obviously way of space, but they're they're sitting there waiting, And so he goes very deep into whatever that thing is that he is processing that one thing, and it processes all the way through and then he's done, and then there's like one network cable connecting to the next supercomputer, and he goes into the next thought or the next emotion or the next worry or whatever it is. And it's just very one thing at a time, very deeply.
The woman's brain is more like ten million personal computers, all networked together and all running at the same time. And so you're processing a ton really quickly at a very surface level, and you go deeper and deeper and deeper in layers. Now, Okay, I that is obviously oversimplified, but literally, like I spoke to I interviewed an eminent neuroscientist on this who asked not to be named because this particular neuroscientist has studied men's and women's brains for
years and wants to avoid being controversial. If any you know, anyone who talks about male and female differences, this person just wants to have the science. And so it's like great, Like I really respect that anyway, But this person has published extensively and is extremely well known and well respected in this arena. So anyway, I spoke with this person who has a very big brain and was trying to, you know, explain things in a way I with my little,
my layman brain, could understand. And I said, you know, let me tell you what I think I'm hearing. And I gave this example of the ten million personal computers and the three isolated Cray supercomputers, and this this neuroscientist was like, oh gosh, no, you know that's way oversimplified. It's it's really not that, it's this, and tried to explain it again. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not
understanding what you're saying. Can you give me another more of a layman's example, And this person tried again, and finally, after they tried like two or three times, they said, you know what, just go with yours. Just go with your example, because that's as close.
As you're going to get to the average person.
Yes, exactly. But but the bottom line when we're talking about these open windows, this is the reason for it. It's the way God wired our brains.
Yeah. So so here's because we spend all our time in our own brains and we think that you can do just what we do.
Yes, just don't think about it.
So when when you come home and you say that, look, I think there was a I have an issue with a colleague. Yeah, and I don't know how to resolve it because we're not going to be sitting down together for the next two weeks.
And this open window keeps correct.
And I offer you that that great advice, which is, look, just don't think about it. How does that make you feel very dismissed?
Yeah, and it doesn't.
It doesn't help because I'm not trying at least, perhaps if I'm honest with my sometimes I want to just move on.
I just say that, right, But being being more generous to the average the average husband who just he just wants to leap his wife.
Right.
But here's the thing. The reality is, because she can't think, she can't not think about it, in most cases, it's going to keep popping up. That window is gonna stay there, bugging her until she could take some action to address it. And instead of and I'll just can we just give a practical.
Because because what we've just discussed might be those kind of rare occurrences where something you know, the colleague offended, all all of those sorts of things that may not be a day to day type thing.
Well, I don't know, I mean that I can let me give you an example of a day to day practical solution for that. So, so here's the thing. She keeps bringing it up. You think, you know, just don't think about it. Now, you know that's not an option, right, Like, let's just say you're on vacation for the next week. Is she going to really enjoy the vacation? Right? Like?
That is gonna be there bugging her, right because it's a it's an issue, right, So now you know, well, it's gonna it's gonna be there as a as a little thorn. The you know, it's like a like a splinter or like a rock in your shoe while you're
on vacation. So instead of kind of and guys, I know you don't mean to do this, but instead of kind of making her feel foolish for needing to do something to feel better, encourage her, like, look, I know that you're not gonna be able to sit down with her, uh, you know, the colleague for the next week while we're gone on vacation. Is there something here that would make
you feel better? Well? Yeah, Like, I feel like maybe I should just email her and just say, you know, I feel I felt like we left on a weird note. And you know you work so hard on this project and I didn't mean to criticize, but I felt like you said, whatever, Can we talk about this when I get back from the vacation.
In me as the guy, I could perhaps even offer, look, if you want to bounce that email off of me before you yeah, there you go, before before.
You send it. Yeah exactly. That that is essentially not making her feel foolish for needing to do something to close the window basically and make herself feel better, and instead encourage it. And here's the thing, Oh man, guys, if you will just like next time you want to say just don't think about it, like if you will stop yourself from saying that and instead say, you know, is this an open window? Is there something bugging you?
And you can use that language right, well, yeah, I mean now that, I mean seriously now, we use it a lot of other people use it because it's like a really evocative of word picture. Is there something that would make you feel better here? And maybe there is, maybe there isn't, right, but if you could just switch it away from just don't think about it.
So I think one of the challenges for guys is that, you know, we oftentimes all hear I just don't have a grid for that. I don't know what that kind of feels like. And if I could maybe understand a little better what the discomfort feels like, maybe then I could empathize and then be more kind of okay, a tune to how I could help or what I could do. And so we've come up again with another little word picture example, which I think guys have said is really
really helpful to them. So here it is. So let's just say that it's Friday afternoon, You're sitting there in your cube, working away now, it hasn't been a good week for your company. They've lost their biggest account that was responsible for maybe, let's say, two percent of the company's revenues, and you actually were a project manager on that account. And your boss, on his way out the office, stops by your cube and says, hey, Jeff, I'm going
to need to see in my office first thing Monday morning. Okay, i'll see you later.
Have a good weekend.
Yeah, And then you come home and you recount to your wife what has just happened, and she looks at you and says, well, gosh, I guess you're just gonna have to wait until Monday, and uh so, just don't think about it.
How does that feel? Guys?
Yeah, well, probably not so great. And I think for a guy, you'll go, oh, well, I guess I do have this possibility of a thought, a worry hitting my brain. Yeah, and it keeps coming back, even though I know that I can't do anything about it. For a few days. It's just really really bothering me.
And so you know what an open window feels like. You haven't recognized how common it is for women correct the day.
To day correct. We tend to result because look as guys. We've talked about this in our other podcasts about how us guys is our kind of insecurity at the center of us is oftentimes am I able? Am I any good at what I do on the outside?
Am I any good at providing?
Correct? So that career stuff, that provider stuff really hits us in a way that I know it hits you all too, But it feels particularly acute in that area.
For Statistically it is we found for more more so for men.
So is there another way that this scenario, this illustration could have ended.
So, and this is one of the yes there is. And this is one of the things that we advise whenever we do a marriage event. It's one of the places that I see people go oh like they get clicks in because what we tell the guys is, imagine that that scenario ended just slightly differently. Imagine that your boss comes back by your cubicle. Now you're in turmoil, right like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be fired on
Monday morning. And you come back and your boss comes back and says, you know, Jeff, I think I left you with the wrong impression. The reason that I need to see you Monday morning is that, yes, this has been a really rough week, but we've been cultivating another client and so I wanted I just on Monday, I want to make sure that you're available to work on
this account as a project manager. And so suddenly what has happened is that he has that boss has reassured you in this area where you need reassurance and has helped you close a really significant open window. And we always tell guys, for most women, maybe not all, but for most women, there is no bigger open window than the relationship and the happiness of the marriage and what's
going on with the family. And so again, if you're driving away and you're upset and now she's like all stirred up, like uh are we okay, that's a pretty significant open window. And so doing something before you leave to reassure her is huge because think about for you, as a guy, think about the gratitude that you feel
for your boss coming back to reassure you. That's the same gratitude your wife feels for you when yeah, you're in the middle of an argument and things are emotions and tensions are high, but as you're about to if you were about to leave for client meeting. If you were to say, look, I'm I'm really angry. I can't even I can't think, I can't talk right now, but listen, we're okay. We'll talk about it tonight. Like, okay, we're okay.
You've just reassured you've helped her close the window. There's gratitude for that.
Okay, So let's shift a little bit about I'm trying to think of what some of the guys could be thinking, kind of maybe objections to solve this. Okay. So let's say that your wife has raised this kind of she's got an open window on a particular topic. And one it's it's you've weighed in and you've said I think you should do this, and what she really needs is
a bit more processing to get through it. And but you feel like, well, I've told her that she can't do anything about it right now, so just not to think about it or whatever whatever the kind of advice is. And she appears that that doesn't work.
For her, so like she doesn't appreciate my advice.
Maybe, and so the guy could be thinking, well, she doesn't trust me my advice, she doesn't trust my judgment. That Look, the thing with your colleague is going to be fine. Don't worry about it. She's sensible. All of these things. Just put it out of your mind. And so the guy thinks, well, you know, I've been through these things in business before. She should trust me.
And that's a very guy way of thinking about it. And now that you now hopefully that guys know this about some of this is physiological, the brainwiring. It really in most cases has literally nothing to do with whether she trusts you or not. It's not that she disagrees with your judgment. It's just that the window is going to keep right.
So for the guy out there, this is not some grand judgment, no who you are as a man.
No, she's just trying to close a window because its uncomfortable. Yes, and it's for a guy. You're thinking of it in your way because that is you live in a guy brain, right. But this is something that to some degree you're gonna have to trust your wife that this is her brain right, like this is her wiring, and work with it rather
than against it. Because I will tell you, guys, if you will switch into this language of do you have an open window, is there something would make you feel better, like oh, my word, like this really is the simplest, almost stupidest little thing that really makes her feel loved.
I mean, it really does. Okay, But we I think I think, even though this has been mostly about men understanding women, I think we do need to just really briefly, as we close, we only have a couple of minutes here, what we need to think about what women need to understand about men now that you know we know this difference, because I think maybe one thing that we need to set aside is this idea like he just doesn't.
Care if I were dismissive, right, So if I do say, look, you can't do anything about it.
Yes, right, like that can feel like I said, it can feel a bit dismissive, like he doesn't he doesn't care about this thing that'sun.
And the guy is kind of thinking, look, I'm just trying to help her get happy right now exactly.
And so I think for for us as women, what we need to do is basically don't assume that in any way that he's not caring. It's usually the opposite, like that he actually is trying to help. He just didn't realize this difference. So Okay, So to wrap all this up. We always you know, end one, you know, big takeaway? What do you think if we say what's our what's our one big takeaway that we want to
say with every episode? What's this one? I? Okay, I'm just going to say, guys, recognize that you have this opportunity to be your wife's hero by switching when you want to say just don't think about it, switching it to say is this an open window? Is there something that would make you feel better?
And then I mean, gosh, if you then take the next step guy and say is there something that I can actually do? As opposed to saying you know, hey, I'm going to encourage you to do something? Is there something that me as the guy can can? I can? I? You know, I've been through this situation with a colleague once before. You know, here's how I wrote something to them. It's just for a starting point for you.
OO very exciting like this, this concept of is there something that would make you feel better? And is that something that is there something I.
Can do participate in?
That I can participate in? And that's even more now we do have to be realistic about this, but hey, that that opens up some opportunities In some cases, I would think where it's something simple like you know, you're going to the movie and you're worried that you didn't close the garage door. You know, would something make you feel better? Yes?
You know?
Okay, do you want me to call the neighbors across the street? I can ask whether the garage door is closed, right to look out the window and see. And that's something a guy could do. That's like a pretty big deal.
In all of these things that we've discussed over all of these podcasts, most of these things are not heavy lifts. Yeah, that really isn't a big deal for the guy to be able to offer.
But it shows an attentiveness right to how the other person is right. So I hope this was helpful. We're going to say, if you are not a subscriber to our podcast, please subscribe. If you think others would benefit, please share today's episode and tag us on all your social media channels. Thanks for listening to I wish you could hear this. Remember to subscribe to our podcast, and as always, forward today's audio or video link to a friend, counselor,
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