I Knew He Just Wanted To Watch Me Die

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Hi, I Survived listeners. I'm Marissa Pinson. And if you're enjoying this show, I just want to remind you that episodes of I Survived, as well as the A&E Classic podcast, Cold Case Files, City Confidential, and American Justice are all available ad-free on the new A&E. A&E Crime and Investigation channel on Apple Podcasts and Apple Plus for just $4.99 a month or $39.99 a year. And now onto the show.

This episode contains subject matter that may be disturbing to some listeners. Listener discretion is advised. And he looked at me like a little bug he just squashed and he stabs me in my chest and he leaves a knife. He leaves the knife in my chest. Real people. So I hatched a new plan and that was to sever my arm. Who faced death. He said to me,

I will shoot you. I will shoot them. I will shoot everyone. I will get killed. I don't care. I am not going back to prison. And live to tell how. As I'm pulling this knife out of my chest... He gets another knife and sticks me in the side of my head. This is I Survived. It's March 2007 in Simi Valley, California. Two years after her divorce, single parent Christine starts dating a man called Matt. After a few months, Matt begins to emotionally abuse Christine.

He would try everything in his power to distance me from anybody who cared about me He didn't want my son around. He didn't want my sister around my family. I would just say that he dominated my life. I continued in the relationship because I was a rescuer and I felt like I could bring something good to him. My sister was very upset about it. She couldn't understand why I'm a very successful person. What is it that I see in him? And she was very upset about it from the very beginning.

as well as my family, my parents, they weren't very supportive of it. As it started getting more serious, they saw flags and signs that I should not be with this person. Then the mental abuse escalated into physical abuse. The first violent episode that he had, my girlfriend, her kids were over, my son was there.

I had just gotten over surgery and I ordered a pizza versus making dinner. And he was upset that I ordered a pizza. I didn't order the right pizza. I didn't have the right stuff on the pizza. He threw the pizza on the ground and he yelled, you ordered the wrong pizza, I told you, and he slammed the table and he broke the glass.

and he picked me up and he threw me down on the ground and my left knee went completely out of socket and I had to put the lower half of my leg back into my socket, my knee. And that was excruciating. He left the house. I did not call the police. I had told my girlfriend that I fell going up the stairs. I wasn't telling her the truth in fear of...

You know, the process of being embarrassed and ashamed and admitting something terrible like that. The shame involved in allowing somebody to do that to you. really prevents you from telling the people who love you the most. He said on several occasions, if I broke up with him, he would kill me, kill my dog, burn my house down, and kill my son.

He said if I went to the police that he would be out in two to three days, he would just be required to take domestic violence classes, and he would be back to do what he said he would do. Kill you, your son, your dog, and burn your house down. And my family was so disturbed about me being with him, knowing that he was treating me in this way and feeling helpless because I wasn't being forthcoming with them because of the shame that I was feeling and the brainwashing that was occurring.

During some of the time, my son was living at the house, but the violence was escalating, so therefore, my husband, I asked him to take my son. In desperation, Christine turned to Matt's family for help. They also saw some of the violence because some of the violence would occur right in front of them at their house. And so they went and got him diagnosed. He ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

and they put him on medication and assured me he was going to counseling, assured me that everything, you know, was in place and he has been getting much better. He got on his hands and knees and he said he was sorry and it's never going to happen again and that he just wants to be in my life and that it'll never happen again. Even him saying that, you know, it's one of those things, you know that he's lying and it's not the truth. And some switch in his mind would go off and...

That was it. You could see a demeanor change in him. His eye color would change. He has hazel eyes, and when the violent episodes would occur, they would become black, completely dilated. and the look on his face would just be enough to scare you to death. And he seemed like he was being affected in a positive way with the medication. There was a...

His anger was a lot less as long as he did not drink. One day, Christine, Matt, and Chris, a friend, spent the day doing yard work. We were working in the yard, Chris. Matt and I, I have a dog, and we were all enjoying the day. It was a gorgeous day, so we're doing yard work. And I remember Matt was trying to get my dog to get the blue-bellied lizard, and I was obviously keeping my dog away saying, no, no, no.

I want the blue-bellied lizard to live. And so he took a shovel because I wasn't allowing my dog to get the blue-bellied lizard. He took a shovel and he decapitated it. He said it was funny. And I said, well, it's a beautiful day, but that is very bothersome to me because, again, that is telling me something dark inside is going on. That evening, as Christine was preparing dinner, Matt and Chris went out briefly.

When they left, everybody's talking, everybody's happy, everybody's looking forward to, you know, the rest of the evening. But when they got back, Chris was very quiet. And Matt's demeanor completely changed. Before returning to the house, Matt had drunk an entire bottle of brandy. With the look on his face, I felt threatened. I wish I could have been kidding, but...

I've seen that look, though it hadn't been in a long time, and that look is the scariest look that I've ever seen in my life. I said, you're not going to hit me, are you? And then... He went around Chris, came right at me in the kitchen, and started pulling my hair and punching me. Chris immediately got up and he fled out of the front door.

And I remember saying to myself, oh my gosh, he left me here knowing what is going to happen or what's happening to me. I couldn't believe it. That's when he grabbed me. brought me into the bathroom area which is right off the kitchen and he's punching me and he ripped off the toilet seat and the toilet seat cover. And he proceeded to start banging my head on the inside rim of the toilet. And so at this point, I could see blood in the toilet from him cracking open my eyebrow.

And he started trying to drown me in the toilet. And I remember holding onto the rim, locking my arms, saying, I am not going in this toilet. He ended up disappearing for like two strides. Grabbed a knife out of my kitchen on the counter that I was using And he came right back in it was a fairly large knife. I would say probably You know standard 12 inch And that was the first knife that he took to use to stab me in the chest. He sticks the knife up into my throat and...

It's shearing sideways off. He was trying to get my windpipe, but it kept slipping, so he wasn't successful. But he did get it in. He got it in slowly. He just was pressing it slowly. And then I'm feeling blood start coming down my neck, warm blood. And he looked at me like a little bug he just squashed. And he stabs me in my chest. And he leaves a knife.

He leaves the knife in my chest. And I'm saying, so now I have a knife sticking out of my chest. He ran to the counter, grabbed another knife. As I'm pulling this knife out of my chest, He gets another knife and sticks me in the side of my head with a second knife. And so the knife is now sticking out of my brain. He stabbed me in the side of my head as hard as he possibly could. He penetrated.

the bone and I could hear it and it was like a grinding like a like a bone and a knife to know that you have a knife stuck in your brain. is one of the most terrifying experiences a person can go through, especially knowing that he left it there for you to take out. And that's when I knew he just wanted to watch me die. The thoughts in my head were

Okay, you need to get the knife out of your head. It was a little bit more difficult getting the knife out of my brain than it was my chest because it was a bone. He was looking at me and he had like a smile, like a little smile on his face.

Like, how are you going to get out of this one? I pulled the knife out of my head and I dropped the knife and he gave me like just a few inches. You know, the door is right here. He's standing in front of me, but he's more interested in watching me. He knows I'm... completely bloody. So he knows that he's damaged me and he just kind of wants to see how I play this out. And I ran for my life. I ran, I slipped, I had, I looked.

like blood head to toe. I knew he was behind me. I was trying to run, but I was slipping on my blood, so it was very hard to get my traction, you know, together. And I just slipped all the way to the front door, and I got out to the street, and I see a police officer, Simian Valley police officer, Officer Lam, and I see paramedics, and I'm like,

I'm going to be OK somehow. I'm going to be OK. They are here. He can't get me anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. He can't stab me anymore. And they are here. And they're going to help me. If they weren't there, if the police were not there, if the ambulance was not there, he had a knife still, and he was coming after me to the front door. But he didn't win. He did not win. And the only way that I made it through this is because I fought for my life.

I was in ICU for I think four days and then they transferred me to another room and then I had a lot of subsequent follow-ups with a neurologist to see if my NMRIs and CAT scans. He said, do you know how lucky you are? It is an absolute miracle. You got stabbed in your temporal lobe and you are here talking to us right now. He said, that's a miracle. Matt Shear pleaded guilty to attempted murder.

and was sentenced to eight years in jail. There was no trial. He pled guilty to attempted murder, willful, deliberate, and he is in jail until October 28th of 2015. with no chance of parole. I believe that God had a purpose for me to survive this so somebody else doesn't have to go through it and he can't threaten anybody while he's in jail. If it wasn't me, it would be somebody else.

I subsequently found out that he had done this to other people, not stabbing, but was violent towards other girlfriends. And so therefore, for some reason, I was able to be strong enough. and I was able to live and he was able to be in jail where he belongs.

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Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash OPP. It's June 2010 in West Hartford, Connecticut. It is late Sunday evening and John is doing chores in his basement. While I was down doing the laundry, I took a look at the boiler and had this fanciful idea of... perhaps cleaning it. I began brushing the vents with my left hand and with the shop vac in my right hand began vacuuming up the soot.

About five minutes into the cleaning, I dropped the brush that I had been using and it fell into the bottom of the combustion chamber. And that's when, really without thinking about it at all, I reached down with my left arm to try to get the brush back. And it was just out of reach when I first tried to grab it. It was on my fingertips, and I just pushed my arm in a little bit harder. And before I knew it, I was stuck above my elbow.

with my arm in between these heating vents. My thought was, if I got my arm in to this space, there must be a way to get my arm out. John tried to pull his arm free from between the vents. The design of these vents and the fact that they were covered with rust and soot and were just kind of old, crackly cast iron really acted as almost... a claw on my arm. I realized I had a pretty serious problem and panics. Because of the grit and the grime on the vent, there was some cutting initially.

as my arm went in and then my knee-jerk reaction to yank my arm out caused significant cutting and swelling set in immediately.

What I needed was a neighbor to come help me get out and not having my cell phone on me. The best way that I saw that I could do that would be to shout. as loud as I could. And the first night was really just spent yelling nonstop. John's voice had become hoarse from screaming. And several hours into screaming.

for neighbors to help. I noticed a new problem setting in and that was that my legs were becoming extremely weak. Where my elbow was stuck, i wasn't able to stand and and i also wasn't able to sit on the floor and and that just caused tremendous tremendous pain and cramping that started in my legs and worked its way up basically my whole body. I have the boiler on my left side and on my right side is the back of one of the work benches in my basement. I was able to

stack some lumber and some boxes and create a makeshift seat. By Monday morning, hearing the neighbors again getting in their cars and presumably to go to... to their various jobs. I did have hope that my co-workers would notice my absence and what I could hear by about. 10 or 11 a.m. was my phone upstairs ringing off the hook. John could also hear his dog Portia, who was shut in upstairs. She needed food and needed water.

I started hearing from the door upstairs a faint whimper that over the course of the hours escalated to full-blown howling. I resumed crying out for neighbors, but the cries became noticeably more urgent, more along the lines of... You know, for the love of God, somebody please help me. I'm dying down here. I threw this wrench at the window and I came up about five feet, ten feet short.

And really it was only about 20 feet away. And it was a very scary moment because it was the first time that I realized how weak I was. If I can't throw something 20 feet, how am I ever going to get out of this? I just couldn't imagine dying with my hand stuck in my boiler. I wasn't. especially with one arm, going to be able to do much to pry it open. That is when I had the first idea of possibly cutting it open.

So I began to look around for saw blades. John was able to reach the workbench drawer where he kept his saw blades. He tried sawing through the boiler, but the blades were too thin to cut the cast iron.

Tuesday, late Tuesday, I probably had a little bout of desperation. For those few hours, it was pretty grim. I was in a pretty dark place. I could smell the smell of rotting flesh. My arm had become so swollen that the the blood basically ceased to flow to my arm and I could barely feel my fingers and then the smell, kind of an almond smell. really became hard to ignore. I didn't have the courage to actually look at it because I didn't want to see what it looked like, but I knew it was dying.

I had no reason to believe that help was coming. So I hatched a new plan, probably past midnight on Tuesday. And that was... to sever my arm. I did a quick practice cut to see if in fact the arm or the shoulder might be numb. from the lack of circulation, and unfortunately, it wasn't. It was clear to me from my quick practice cut that this was gonna be a painful process.

I said a little prayer and, you know, thought about my loved ones and Porsche upstairs and family and friends and fashioned a tourniquet.

on my arm with the shirt I was wearing. And working from the top about midway between my shoulder and my elbow, I started cutting. My first attempt at cutting through went fairly well, but just about as the blade was hitting the bone, blood began gushing. almost squirting out of out of the cut at an alarming rate it it became hard to hold the blade because because it was so slippery and i had to

divert my attention from all the blood to try to stay on task and complete the cut. Started cutting through the bone and I was using a very fine-toothed hacksaw at this point and I realized that it was going to take too long to get through the bone and that I was bleeding out pretty badly. So I grabbed a little coarser tooth reciprocating saw blade that I had handy and resumed cutting with that. And that made short work of the bone. And that's when I...

kind of looked up and looked around and everything was covered in blood. The boiler, the wall 15 feet away, the amount of blood that was coming out was... Very alarming, so much so that I didn't think that I would make it. The side of the boiler was absolutely covered in blood and... I wanted to convey, you know, how much I loved my family and Portia and my fiancé. So I started as best I could writing notes to them.

in this wood on the side of the boiler, and Mom, Dad, Mel, I'm sorry. As I sat there and looked at the notes I hid, scribbled on the wall of the boiler and thinking about again all the reasons I had to live and I gathered myself up as best I could and I removed my shirt tourniquet which had become just completely drenched and totally useless and used an old telephone or speaker wire that I had nearby and fashioned another tourniquet.

Started the second round of cutting and really thought I was home free until I got to about the last quarter of an inch at the bottom of the arm. And that is when I ran into, as I understand it now, the bundle of nerves that runs through your arm. And the first one I hit... The pain, I've never felt anything anywhere near this amount of pain, so much so that I just froze and dropped the saw I was using, and then it went into the boiler.

So now I'm down to, I think I'm down to one saw blade at this point. And what I was left with was a very dull blade. And I'm looking at this last sliver and saying, okay. it's going to be a little uncomfortable but you know suck it up and two minutes you know we'll be home free. So I went to work cutting and each time

One of the saw teeth hit the nerve, just the most agonizing pain. And I made it through one nerve and then two nerves. And I, at this point, I basically threw down the saw blade and said, I'll never be, I'll die.

trying to get through this bundle of nerves. John's partially severed arm was still trapped inside the boiler. Worse than being just stuck with my arm in the boiler, now I'm stuck with a severed arm. bleeding profusely in a basement that nobody knows where I am. Do I remove the tourniquet? Do I, you know, cut my throat? Do I end my life some other way?

It's beyond just the will to live and the human spirit. It's knowing that there are people out there that love you and you love them. And that is what... kept me from taking my own life, essentially. Over the course of the next few hours, I was in and out of consciousness. John's friends, who were increasingly worried about him, had called 911 on Wednesday afternoon. Police broke into the house to find a semi-conscious John close to death.

The EMTs arrived shortly after the police did. At the same time, the fire department was getting their compressors and their hydraulic gear out. to try to crack open the boiler. Finally they managed to break the cast iron open, of course. Unfortunately the arm was not viable at that point. Almost 72 hours after his ordeal began, John was hospitalized, suffering from blood loss, kidney damage, and blood poisoning. It took surgeons two and a half hours to complete the amputation of John's arm.

John's fiance, Mel, and his parents arrived the next day. It was great to see them. And when Mel came, that was, you know, we just, you know, we both just... choked up and you know kind of gentle sobbing and it was just really really emotional the fact that I was alive and that you know our wedding is still on I think

You know, that's all that mattered. John's dog, Portia, also survived. Nobody thinks that they could cut their own arm off, but I think people would be surprised what they're capable of. I survived because I loved my family and my friends and my fiancé and my dog, Portia. Too much to die in that. circumstance, I just couldn't let that happen.

It's July 2008 in Charlotte, North Carolina. Amanda teaches at an inner-city school. We had just gotten back after winter break. It was our first day back and my students were a little bit unmotivated and so I decided to go during lunch and get some candy. Amanda drove to a nearby strip mall. I walked out of the restaurant where I picked up my lunch and I'd already been to the store so I had a bag of stuff in my hands and I was getting my keys out and there was a man standing about

I don't know, 20 feet from my car. And he came up and said, do you know how to get to this location? I think it was like Sugar Creek Road. Do you know how to get there? And I said, no. I'm sorry, but very politely, because that didn't bother me. I thought, you know, he just wants directions. And I kept on walking to my car. I really didn't feel that threatened. He looked like someone's fat, middle-aged, you know, white.

kind of creepy but not threatening uncle, just this fat old guy. And then he got a little bit closer and he said, you know, I really need to get to this place. Can you take me? I'll give you $20. And I said, no, I'm a teacher in that school. I have to go back to school. It's really important, you know, but I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll find a ride. There's a bus station over there, you know. And he was like, what if I give you $50?

And he's getting closer this whole time, and I'm saying, okay, I don't know. I can't help you. I'm really sorry. I really have to go back to school. And I turned around to get in my car, and he says, wait. And then he opened his jacket, and he had kind of right... Under his jacket, I guess kind of hiding in his jacket, he had a gun and it was pointed at me. He said, get in the car. And as he's...

Pointing this gun at me, he reaches around my driver's side door, which I had already opened, to unlock the passenger side door, and pulls the door open. He says, you get in the car, and he motions with the gun. He says, I really don't want to have to shoot you, but I will. The first few minutes in the car, I was convinced I'm going to die. I just thought,

Of all the people I hadn't talked to, of all the things I hadn't done, of just all the people that, you know, I never said, hey, you're really important to me. I thought, you know, when was the last time I talked to my mom? I don't remember, you know, but...

He said, get on the road. And I was shaking so bad. And he said, do not get pulled over or I will shoot you. And I was going, I can't drive. Like, I'm thinking, do I try and crash into someone at first? Like, I'm thinking, do I try and, you know.

Do I try and wreck the car? Do I try and see if I can wreck it hard enough to hurt him? Do I take a chance and drive? I was really, my feet were shaking so bad. I thought he's going to take me to some hotel and he's going to do whatever he wants to me and then he's going to kill me.

We're driving down the highway, and he points to a motel, and he says, stop there. That's good. And he said, we're going to go together to the front desk. We're going to check in. You're going to rent me a room for a night. And he said to me at this point, Very clearly. If the police are involved, I have just gotten out of prison. I am not going back. I will shoot you. I will shoot them. I will shoot everyone. I will get killed. I don't care. I am not going back to prison.

With the armed man at her back, Amanda was forced to book a room. I was so nervous that they were going to notice that this guy had a gun. And then on the other hand, I was also kind of thinking, like, do I try and signal that he has a gun? I mean...

Is this my chance? Am I missing my chance? If I don't say something now, is it going to be too late? So we're going into this hotel room, and he opens the door, and he kind of motions me in with the gun. As I'm going in the door of the hotel room, I thought, Right before I went in, I thought, do I run? And I thought, what if I try and run and I don't make it, he catches me, then he's going to be angry and he's going to think I want to run.

which I thought is bad. I want him to think everything's cool, I'm going to help him out. I just didn't want him to shoot me. Amanda's attacker told her that he had carjacked a man the day before. He's kind of started telling me, you know... I'm running from the police. I think the police are after me. And so, you know, he says, we need to wait this out. We'll just sit here for a couple hours and I'll call a friend of mine and then he's going to pick me up. You're going to go in the bathroom.

I'm going to lock you in there, we're going to drive off, and it's going to be fine. And I thought, okay, I can do that. I'm still thinking he's going to shoot me. I mean, in the back of my head, I really thought, he's not just going to drive off, he's going to shoot me. So I'm waiting, and I'm thinking...

You know, this time is going to roll around and he's going to, it's like four o'clock. It was going to happen. This guy was going to call and they were going to come pick him up. So four o'clock happens. This guy calls. He says, no, I'm not coming to get you. And he looks at me and he goes, I can't let you go now because I don't know how I'm going to get out of here. I started to cry. And I said, you're never going to let me go. I really want to go home.

He got really upset and he started waving the gun around and he said, oh, you know, I'm going to shoot you. You need to stop this. You need to stop this right now. He pulls out of his pocket this pipe. And I looked at it and I said, oh my god, I don't know what that is. And I said, what are you doing? And he said, oh, I'm just going to smoke a little crack. It will calm me down. And obviously, he was already kind of panicky.

me panicking was was really bad and so he starts waving the gun around i said he said well i'm gonna have to kill you if you you know if you if you can't help me if you can't stay calm then i'm gonna have to shoot you and i was like okay what can i do so that you can trust me

What can I do to prove to you that you can trust me? Because I want to get out of this situation. I don't want you to kill me. I wanted him to not just see me as something expendable, as someone he could just kill or hurt. I wanted him to see me as... as a person as his friend and he looks at me and he said all right well if you smoke this crack i'll believe that you're not going to tell on me and i was like i can't do that and he sat right next to me and he

pointed the gun at me and he said, if you don't smoke this, I'm going to kill you. And he forced me to smoke crack. After he forced me to smoke crack, he had these beers and he said, you know, have a beer with me. And I thought, at this point, I want him to believe that I'm on his side, so I'll have a beer with him. I'm going to be his best friend. And if I convince him that I'm on his side, then he'll let me go. Or I'll figure a way out of this. At about...

2 o'clock in the morning, he decides that he needs more drugs. And he says, this is OK, right? We're going to go get more drugs. We're going to have a party. And I'm going, oh, my god, I have to go to a crack house. Like, I'm having, you know, like a panic attack about this. Like, oh, my god, I can't be.

In this neighborhood, you know, if we're driving around this neighborhood, it's two o'clock in the morning. What if the police pull us over? He said, if the police show up, you need to be really sure about this. I'm going to use you as a human shield and I am going to go down shooting. I don't care.

Eventually it's seven o'clock in the morning and there are no more drugs. And he kind of sobers down a little bit and he looks at me and he says, I have to get out of the state of North Carolina. Because what I'm wanted for is a state crime, and I have to leave the state. If I leave the state, they won't be looking for me. It's fine. So I said, why don't you take my car? Why don't you just take my car? I won't report it stolen. I'm on your side. I mean, you know.

I've already done an illegal thing, so you have to know I'm not going to tell on you. So you take my car, and then he says, you'd do that for me? He looks at me and he said, you like me that much?

And I'm thinking in the back of my head, I don't like you, I just want to get out of here. But he was just like, oh, that's... And that was really, like, then he really said, okay, now I trust you. Amanda offered to drive her attacker to her bank and withdraw money for him. If I can get him to stay in the car at the bank.

If I can get him to stay in the car and I can get him to trust me enough to let me go in by myself, then he won't be able to get me before I can tell somebody what's going on. And so we get to the bank. I said, here are the keys. I'll be right back. I'm going to go in the building, and I really thought, you know, at this point, he's going to shoot me. He's going to realize, he has to know that no one is this stupid. And I walk into the bank, and that was the hardest.

maybe like 20 yards, and it was the hardest 20 yards I've ever walked in my whole life. And I went into the first office that I saw, it was like on my right, the first office on my right, and I said, there's a guy in my car in the parking lot, I've just been kidnapped, I've been held hostage, you know. You need to call the police. He has a gun. And so the police came into the parking lot and apparently they tased him before he could shoot them.

Peter Smith was charged with multiple counts of kidnapping, carjacking, and possession of a weapon as a felon. He was sentenced to 59 years in prison. And he's in his 50s, so 59 years means... But he's never coming out, and he has no option for Pearl. I survived because I convinced him that I was a person. I think that's the main thing. I said, OK, I'm going to come up with a way for us to get out of this situation.

I believed that I could do it. I mean, once I believed that I could do it, it worked. Fear is free on Pluto TV with horror movie collections from Paranormal Activity, The Ring. You will die in seven days. Scream, and From Dusk Till Dawn. This is my kind of place. And don't miss the man-made nightmares in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein or the world-ending chaos in 28 Days Later. There's something in the blood. All the scares, all for free. Pluto TV, stream now.

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