0118 - 10 Year Bipolar Wedding Anniversary - Bipolar Relationships

00:00 - Temple  (Host)
You know, there it is. That's why you got married, right? 

00:04 - Stephanie (Guest)
Oh yeah, I just won't get married. We just won't get married. 

00:09 - Temple  (Host)
Well, welcome everybody to. I Married Bipolar. Thank you for coming today. I just really wanted to have a conversation and let everybody know how we're doing, because anniversaries are a trigger. Have you ever had an anniversary trigger, bridget? 

00:24 - Bridget (Co-host)
Well, I mean, I guess I can speak to the highs and lows a little bit like you. I've been married almost 16 years but like we didn't know at the time, we got married when we were 26. And I think my husband was diagnosed at 37. Maybe, yeah, you know. So there probably were signs definitely along the way that something wasn't quite right. But we've had a lot of great times and then, you know, I can think about last year we were separated during our 15 year anniversary. So that's not what you would have pictured for yourself on your wedding day. Yes, so that was really tough. So that's not what you would have pictured for yourself on your wedding day. 

01:05 - Temple  (Host)
Yes. 

01:07 - Bridget (Co-host)
So that was really tough. So hoping, you know, this year we've had a lot more good than we did the couple years prior. So things are on the upswing and so just kind of really thankful that things are headed in a better direction. And I said to my husband on this trip you know that we were just on that I just felt so much more peaceful than I had last year on my birthday, because it's kind of, you know, a milestone where you can think back to how you were in that moment on that day. I would say he really was great on this trip. He really wanted to make sure it was about me and my birthday and doing all the things that I wanted to do. And you know, if there were things that he wanted to do, was that okay, you know, which was really thoughtful for him. So, or any man- no, really, no, seriously. 

01:58 - Temple  (Host)
We have to give him a yay. We have to give him a yay because those are all trigger, bipolar trigger warnings in their birthdays. You know vacations, expectations of gifts, the fact that you guys made it through and had a peaceful time and enjoyed yourself, that is a celebration. 

02:17 - Bridget (Co-host)
That is that's clap worthy, right there yeah, you know I wouldn't just for everyone out there struggling. You know it's a tough disease or, as they call it, a mind fuck sometimes. I'm just so grateful that we made it to this point and I hope it can give people hope that there can be other sides to it. It's not always going to be this way. So, yeah, and then, you know, I also think things. I listened to the replay with Julie Fast, which was amazing, and thought everyone did such an amazing job, but you know, thinking about how probably tough all of this is for him. You know, as the person who has to deal with it day in, day out, and there was a. He loves the ocean and we went boogie boarding in wetsuits. 

03:06 - Temple  (Host)
That's normal in the Northwest. 

03:08 - Bridget (Co-host)
I was very thankful for it and so just seeing him out there on the water and he was so I could just tell he was so happy and he was having so much fun and that made me feel so good. You know that he could be in a moment that he was really just enjoying himself, so I'll leave it at that. But yeah, so you know that he could be in a moment that he was really just enjoying himself, so I'll leave it at that, but yeah, so you know, we thank you. 

03:31 - Temple  (Host)
Oh, that's a beautiful share, bridget. I am so glad to hear that, aren't y'all glad to hear that Bridget went on vacation with her partner, celebrated birthday, played in the water and there was no episodes, no episodes, saw some miracles. Well, again, I have to give you a clap for that one, because you know what, if you have not talked to Bridget, then you really should, because she has done the work. She's done the work with me. She's done the work with her own counselors. She has done the work. She's done the work with me. She's done the work with her own counselors. She has done the work by herself and she continues to do the work, and so has her spouse, and when she started here it was during a separation. So look at that, look at that. Let me give you I don't have all my sound effects today, I'm just going to do it manually. 

04:22 - Claire (Guest)
Yay. 

04:24 - Bridget (Co-host)
No well thank you, and I couldn't have done it without everyone. Today I'm just going to do it manually, yay, no, well, thank you, and I couldn't have done it without everyone. So I appreciate it. But, yes, I'm always here to just listen or give advice or tell you from my experience. 

04:35 - Temple  (Host)
You know, the media makes marriage unattainable. The visions of what marriage is supposed to be on TV and through the media are so far removed from what we actually go through. I mean this group here. We're quite the special crowd. We have a special challenge, but it's not like we're the only people in the world in couples that don't have huge challenges. As a matter of fact, every couple I know has a huge challenge in their life, whether it be a health challenge, or their kids have a big challenge, or financially they're having a big challenge, or addiction. Mental health, like everybody I know. Everybody I know it's all about how do we handle our specific challenges is really the only way to stay married is to is to know how to navigate through those big challenges and be able to come out the other side with some resemblance of a connection that's worth keeping, and I would have to say that's probably been the whole formula of my relationship, bridget. 

05:46 - Bridget (Co-host)
Yeah, I mean, I just read a great article in the New York Times that references the term normal marital hatred. The author, who's the marriage counselor, said I've said that term, you know, in my lectures all over the country and no one's ever once walked up to me and asked me what I meant. Said that term you know in my lectures all over the country and no one's ever once walked up to me and asked me what I meant by that. You know it does take a lot of hard work and a lot of selflessness at times, especially, I think, sometimes in our situation. So yeah, that's you know, being with someone day in and day out for that many years. You know, of course you're going to run into challenges as you change and grow as people. 

06:29 - Temple  (Host)
I learned about triggers before I read about them. Before I read the books, I realized what his triggers were. I'm a pretty analytical person, as you all know, and I love to dissect the way people act and respond to things. I like to figure people out because it helps me to connect to them. And I I saw the pattern, the anniversaries I mean our wedding was a trigger, wedding day was a trigger and I didn't even know it, but I saw him struggling. 

07:04
He was fighting so hard to stay present. I left him at the altar way too long. He was standing up there for a good five minutes waiting for me while I was playing in the hallway having my picture taken, not realizing I was supposed to be walking down the aisle. I mean, can you imagine what that was doing to his anxiety? He doesn't even like to be in a room of a lot of people, but he stood there and he did it and stayed in a suit with a tie up to his neck, which is another thing he can't stand. Looking back, knowing what I know now about bipolar, I can't believe he got through it when he was very ill, but he was masking at that point. He was overcompensating with other ways. He drank a lot of coffee and smoked a lot of cigarettes, which made everything worse really, but it kept him going in life and right immediately after the wedding he just ran off and took his suit and tie off immediately and put on sweats, and so my only wedding picture of us is me and my wedding dress and him and his sweatshirt. 

08:10
You really have to have a sense of humor about bipolar, because things don't go, they're not picture perfect. Where's Candy? Is she here? Yet, candy, you know she's trying to plan a wedding and she's the one with bipolar and she's the one worried, so worried about things going wrong or not being just right, and it's like you know what. You cannot worry to that degree when you're living with this type of condition, because the essence of it in nature is that it's going to push back on the things that you're trying to push into perfection. Those are the exact triggers that we have to avoid. 

08:51
So high expectations over things is something I learned several years ago to make adjustments, you know, over the holidays and the anniversaries and the birthdays and all that, and you've all heard me lecture around that, and it's a sacrifice that I had to make and it's okay, because I pick my battles with bipolar. I choose how much I can and can't do. And anniversaries I'm not that stressed about it. Actually, I messed my foot up so bad a couple days ago. I've been hobbling around and I was like, oh my gosh, I really don't want to like try to make a nice dinner and do all these things and go and I'm like cool, he doesn't want to do any of that either. He would much rather just un bipolar, you know, for the day and lay in our yard, watch the birds play with the cat, and that's what we literally. We've just been laying in our really cute yard and listening to music and making our videos and we've figured out how to do anniversaries. 

09:51 - Bridget (Co-host)
So I'm really proud of us for that and sometimes it is the little things you know. If you build things up too much, then that just you know. If it doesn't work out, then you, you're just disappointed. Oh heck, yeah. 

10:05 - Temple  (Host)
Like the honeymoon. Oh my God. The honeymoon was the exact obstacle. We went into a complete manic, psychotic episode on our honeymoon and ran into the corner and was like yelling, stay away from me. I had no idea what was happening. Just like in the movies. Just like in the movies, right, where you get whisked away and you go to that beautiful honeymoon and then you go to kiss your husband and he jumps up and runs to the corner like you're about to kill him. 

10:41
Oh damn you. Bipolar yes, you know we've had so many bipolar moments that I'm able to look back and laugh about now. Both of us are able to laugh about it now. But, god you know, our partners suffer. Their brains go to a place that we have no idea what the heck is going on. Thank God that most of us know. 

11:03
Now Think about the people that are out there. There's like millions of people with bipolar all over the world and they're all in love with somebody. Somebody's got a partner or a spouse and they don't even know what the fuck is going on. That scares me. I so bad wish that I had real money to become a published person, that people could see us all the time, and I could spare all these people trying to get married, not understanding why their spouse is going to run the other direction on their wedding day, maybe, or on their honeymoon, or when they have their first baby, or all these disasters that are coming and they're not prepared for it. It breaks my heart. So I'm saying that because you know, you guys know. You know this is a passion mission for me and that's why I started this and you know Claire found us right at the beginning. So she gets to know thank God, come on up, claire. So she gets to know Thank God, come on up Claire. 

12:05 - Claire (Guest)
Oh man, it's so good to talk to y'all. One thing I want to go back on what you said about just like we all have this resource in each other now. So, and especially, I'm so grateful just to like learn things, like I was just in the chat asking about coffee. 

12:21 - Temple  (Host)
Oh yeah, I know, girl, I'm trying to. I cannot do chat and the thing at the same time. It's hard for me. 

12:26 - Claire (Guest)
but yes, I was going to tell you caffeine, use with caution, caution, right we just had a conversation and I was like no, putting my foot down, and then I had to like think about it some more and actually listen to you guys. So we're going to, we're going to move forward cautiously and we've set like time frames and everything. 

12:48 - Temple  (Host)
You know, just start mixing half cap. That's what we've had to do because my husband freaking loves coffee. Yeah, it's just like it gets him out. It's kind of like the love for mania, it inherently, you know it's kind of symbiosis, whatever to what mania feels like and they like what mania inherently. You know it's kind of symbiosis, whatever to what mania feels like and they like what mania the good side of mania feels like. So, yeah, let's, he'll drink a pot after pot, you know and so. 

13:15
I couldn't get the coffee away from him because my mom drinks coffee too, and there's just no possible way. So I just started putting half caffeine and half no caffeine in a jug that says all caffeine, and I just lowered the stimulant and started harm reducing that way. And now he's all the way to where I just buy decaf and that's it. And my mom I'm like sorry girl, that's just the way it's going to be. But I accidentally bought regular coffee because something's going on in the world where they're taking away a bunch of foods and stuff. And I could not find decaf. 

13:52
And he was on full caff coffee for a week and, girl, he was gacked, he was edgy, he was like smoking a bunch of pot and I'm like look at you, man, this is coffee. Remember, you're like doing crack right now. You got to get off the coffee and I couldn't get him to stop. I couldn't. So I just was like all right, let's just burn through this, get out of coffee. And we just got to. I just like, whatever, dude, just do you, you know, know. And then when he was out, I bought three cans of decaf. I was like that's it, you are cut off. And the last like three days, two and a half days, completely different, totally chill. 

14:35 - Claire (Guest)
He's on decaf oh, so you could see a total difference. 

14:39 - Temple  (Host)
Wow, yeah oh yeah, within 24 hours. He's just like because it takes 24 hours to get caffeine out of your body. It's like eight to 10 hours per cup. So think about that. If you have an entire pot of coffee, you're running on caffeine for at least a day and a half. Good grief. My good grief my polar Happy anniversary. Thank you, yes, I got him on camping just on time for him to chill that freak out right. 

15:10 - Claire (Guest)
The other thing I was just gonna say about julie was yeah, so, temple, I was actually really nervous too. Usually I can like blather on and all I said was thank you, thank you so much. But she really like every time she speaks it's just like boom, boom, boom, boom. Now it's dropping and I feel so empowered. Yeah, I just it was. It was amazing, and I agree, bridget, the concept of the gaslighting and having to step back from that term so much. That was like kind of not that like it's a crutch or anything like that, but it was kind of like a gut punch to realize like my spouse really isn't trying to do anything or, in this state, trying to do something. In that state of mind, even though that's what I'm definitely feeling Like, it was kind of a woe moment. 

16:07 - Temple  (Host)
You know, I'm really glad we are talking about this because it is a buzzword. It's still very relevant, right? Because the action is still that they are gaslighting. They are turning the tables on us, taking our concerns and turning it into our problem, rather than taking accountability, so that the action, the exchange of it, is gaslighting. But the difference between intentional, unintentional, kind of gives us a different view. However, same with narcissism. Like narcissism is huge. It's like there are coaches all over the place that are just that's. 

16:43
All they're doing is trying to teach women how to stay away from narcissists. And like you know what? Everybody has a version of narcissists in them. Everybody does so. Like we need to have a broader view of what people are experiencing. The clinical version of a narcissist is very, very small. So just saying someone is a narcissist is a blanket statement is really not accurate. It's it's just like saying somebody's an asshole, you know like yeah, sometimes you're an asshole doesn't mean you are an asshole all the time. You know what I mean. 

17:17
We do need to see the symptom connection to the actions that our spouses have, and I have actually been cognitive behavioral therapy in my spouse about gaslighting, because he does have cognitive struggles now, you know. And so when he's symptomatic and he gaslights, and he's symptomatic a lot, we live with this sickness so we constantly have to re-educate ourselves on how to do it, how to manage it, how to reconnect, how to disconnect. And I taught him the word gaslight when I used to just say don't talk to me like that, don't talk to me like that, don't talk to me like that. And then I was like you know what? You need a word, you need to understand that this is gaslighting. Now, here's the definition. And I gave him a little text message of it. And then, whenever he would be symptomatic and he start, you know, I say, hey, this is bothering me, I don't like this. And he turns it around and starts saying, well, you're this, this, this, this. And I said, there it is, that's gaslighting, that's exactly what gaslighting is. And he'd run off and he'd sit with it and then he'd come back about 15 minutes and he goes hey, sorry about that, I realized what gaslighting was. Thank you for pointing that out. So we did that about eight times. 

18:41
And now when it happens I mean this is just happening, like in the last few weeks this realization, I mean I think maybe we should be having this conversation with our spouses of what gaslighting is, because, number one, it means they're symptomatic. Number two, you're hurting my feelings, so stop it. Like, here you go. You're gaslighting me. This is gaslighting, and why. Why are you gaslighting me? This is gaslighting, and why. Why are you gaslighting what is up? Did you drink too much coffee? Did you sleep? Have you eaten? Doing our inventory that I do all the time, what's my checklist on the things that I know are going to make him unstable, and it's usually, you know, not hard to figure out. Okay, he hasn't eaten in four hours, or he drank a pot of coffee. What do you think about that step? 

19:28 - Claire (Guest)
I think I mean, yeah, you definitely, you definitely have to talk and communicate about it. I think I was. I really appreciated having Julie bring that up because I was still stuck in a little bit of pain I had from just one of the manic moments where he had actually brought up the gaslighting movie or something and he was inferring that I was gaslighting him. It was like a really big deal that day in a moment. I hadn't forgotten and I feel much better now. But like I was still carrying that a little bit because you know you don't forget the moments and the kind of things that are happening when, like, someone is manic and you may be working on healing and things may be moving forward, but it can pop up when you least expect it. So I was really glad that was like addressed so I could like move on from that cool, all right. 

20:20 - Temple  (Host)
Yeah, you did great too. You did great. You did great your questions. You did great showing up for the answers. I know it's tough to hear. She does rapid fire. She is, she still has. You know that bipolar energy is intense and she knows it too. But she's like I just want to get you as much as I can and she's still communicating with me through Instagram. She wants to do more. She wants to answer more questions. She wants to do a fast Julie Ask Temple thing and thank God I'm so happy to have her support so that we can branch out together. You know it's hard for her to do this work. She lives with the cycles all the time. I can't imagine. 

20:59 - Bridget (Co-host)
Yeah, I was just so amazed by her self-awareness to be able to kind of the way I pictured it as she was describing it kind of remove herself and look at the thought she was having, like almost from an outside perspective, and say, oh, I know, this is bipolar, you know, I feel like that's a skill that she's, I'm sure, honed over her entire lifetime, but really incredible to hear that someone's able to do that. 

21:28 - Temple  (Host)
Totally. Yes, I mean, well, we've been learning that for quite a while, right? That's why we call bipolar bipolar. We don't say, you know, my husband, Chris, just said I say, oh, bipolar said that it helps compartmentalize and not keep the negative feelings on your partner as much. You know what I mean. So I think she has to do that for herself, and my husband, I see him do that too. Do any of you see that yet? Where my husband will be like oh, bipolar did that. Like he has these weird paranoia things, where he'll like turn my, he'll turn certain things upside down. It's just this weird tick that he has. Like he'll turn my phone holder upside down or he'll. He used to unplug lights. When he was really sick he would unplug all the lights and I'm like what's going on there? When he's able to talk about it, he's like, oh man, look what bipolar did. The first time I saw him have an awareness of what his illness does to him, I thought was a huge breakthrough. 

22:35 - Bridget (Co-host)
Yeah, I mean I don't feel like we're quite there. So, yeah, yeah, I would welcome it. 

22:43 - Temple  (Host)
I would welcome it. What about Des Claire? Does Des recognize the differentiation between when he might be having a bipolar moment compared to a Des moment? 

22:54 - Claire (Guest)
Now that he's medicated and in the slumps and stuff it's not really happening the bipolar moments as much. But when he was realizing, when we were like going through the process of getting on meds and you know, like figuring out when he was going to move back home and all that stuff, he was like we read the doctors off and he's like, yeah, I think I'm so low manic so he was like recognizing when that was happening, which was really cool and I was grateful for it because I mean honestly, yeah, it's honestly like he kept himself in check for a pretty long time. I'm looking back and realizing, like you know, both bipolar started to come out stronger and stronger and stronger as life got more serious. But he was so you know, know, just so dedicated to his faith and like holding on to that and also, thank goodness he actually loves me because like that definitely like helps me. You know it does. 

23:59
It would make him stop and like think it through and at first, like I was like man, why are you so slow? Why? Why you got to stop all the time, like let's just go. And now I realized, because he was, because you know I'm ADHD, like I can do everything all at once, let's run. And he's like girl, slow down. Thank goodness he is that way. 

24:22 - Temple  (Host)
You know what. You better really pay attention to that, claire. I've heard my husband say that to me so many times that I think I'm going at not even high speed, not even normal speed, that I'm going at like subnormal speed, and he's like you got to slow down. And I'm like what? What do you mean? I'm talking to you in this tone, it's going at four miles per hour. What do you mean? I have to slow down. 

24:46
And when I kept hearing that, the more I kept hearing that, I was realizing that, okay, oh, he's symptomatic and his brain is going really fast, so he's really straining to slow himself down to even match me. You know what I mean? It's kind of like the wheels are turning fast, too fast for him, and and everything that I say is going in fast forward too, and so I just now go. Okay, I think that you need to just all the way, we need to all the way stop the conversation and take a minute and just like let things catch up, and then you let me know where you think we left off. 

25:24 - Claire (Guest)
Go ahead. I was going to say that's a really great idea. I mean, I've had to adjust the way that I communicate a whole lot because I'm very once I get the information, I kind of like pepper him with it pretty much and I'm like this, this, this, this, this, and then I'll pepper with like okay, now I need to know this, this, this and this from you. And there are times he's ready for it because he's used to me. But there are just times where, like I have to wait and like let him go back through it, or just like if I just wait a few seconds, then he can digest it all. But when I talked to another person that has ADHD, it's like we can go 10,000 miles a minute and just knock it all out and I just have to realize that's not what we're doing and this is how I keep my husband healthy and communicating with him. 

26:17 - Temple  (Host)
Absolutely. I mean this, is it right there? You and Claire I mean Claire, you are Claire, you and Des having self-awareness and working through it so quickly, getting prepared for the baby to come. I'm so proud of you both. You know this is not an easy journey, but you already were not an easy journey yourself and you know. Look at you, you're fabulous and your heart is still open and you still keep learning and learning your own triggers Like that means you're going to be all right. 

26:53
In my book, you know what I mean. You're going to have the same issues that all married people have trying to figure out how to get along. It's when there's abuse in the picture is where we go sideways long. It's when there's abuse in the picture is where we go sideways. That's right. You're learning your boundaries. I said I've learned my boundaries. You know the pandemic screwed my boundaries up pretty good because I didn't have any help. But I have to reinforce my boundaries constantly and that's the thing about. It's a little different when you know I love posting a beautiful picture of us having all these great pictures, but you all know the truth of the story. You know the struggle and it's been dark. There's heart wrenching moments of betrayal and abandonment and loss and grief and it's freaking deep. 

27:49
So to hear Julie telling me what a good job we have done was so validating and and everything that I've talked to her about since then. She's like oh, that's you and your husband. You guys have a system, you guys have a system, you guys have a system. And I'm like I have not patted myself on the back for that. I didn't even realize how well we had set up systems, because I did it purely out of survival, that nobody was telling me how to do this eight years ago and I started setting up systems emotional systems, daily living function systems, sticky notes all over the place. You know how to take timeouts, recognizing cues, you know giving him my limitations, like we've set up so many systems now that it felt really good. When she reflected that back to me, I still think we're always in the biggest struggle, we're always in the big struggle and she was saying like, oh, no, yeah, you guys, that's great, you guys have that system. Oh, that's great, you have that system. It felt really good. Steph, are you there yet, can you? 

28:57 - Stephanie (Guest)
tell me how good I am. Yeah. Yeah, a couple of things I wanted to say. Well, one, claire, I can definitely relate when it comes to like bringing up the right time to talk about it, and it just takes so much practice. 

29:09
Dan and I have now gotten to the point where if we're just in the middle of conversation and something that pops up that I just want to talk about or say it's so casual, I'll actually interrupt our conversation. So just say, hey, are you good, can I talk about BP, or can I say something about BP? And he'll either like receive that or say, eh, not right now, and then I'll just like toss the thought away and then continue on with our conversation. So we always set it up that way. I don't peppering didn't work for me, so I don't know if that's helpful for anybody. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And then, with Julie, I just wanted to talk about how I loved how she was advocating for individuals with bipolar disorder can be the greatest spouses because they're so aware. And you brought up a question of, like you know, does your husband or your spouse like recognize when BP does something? And again, it definitely takes time, but throughout the last year or so he's been very self aware and it's just been wonderful to be around. 

30:15 - Temple  (Host)
If I'm being honest, I'm so glad you know you, stephanie, you're you're just one of the ones. I'm always so happy to hear your updates and and how much the two you know you and your hubby and your baby and you know you're really in it. That's the feeling that I always feel is like you're really in it, you really love each other and you found a place that is working. 

30:42 - Stephanie (Guest)
It's enough to get through the hardest parts right, exactly, and what's really, what's really wonderful about this diagnosis and again, here goes my positivity, so I apologize is that we're so self-aware and we we've learned how to talk to each other and what to say and how to say it. Not that we're like enabling or tiptoeing, but we're valuing their thought process and he's valuing mine, and there are some times where I need to be really mad at him and get over it or say things and then you know, come and say sorry, whatever. But we just we figured out positive ways right now in our world of how to communicate. 

31:22
And we were recently, a couple months ago, at a family reunion and my grandmother, who we were celebrating, comes up to me and she said and she's got a lot of not nice things to say Most of the time she did come up to us and or to me specifically, and said you and your husband are going to have a very long and happy marriage. And I was like, oh my gosh, thank you so much. Why do you say that? But she doesn't know about his diagnosis. But she says the way that you talk to him, the way that you include him, that you and like you treat him, you treat him like he's a person, you guys are both invested in your choices together, and so it's just. It was, it was just really wonderful to hear that you know what yes To everybody else, because it could be so easy to pop off. And we've been there, yes, grandma, and we're still going to be there. But it was just really nice to see that affirmation from family. 

32:21 - Temple  (Host)
We need that, of course. We need to speak life into each other. Right, go ahead. 

32:25 - Claire (Guest)
Claire, sorry, and I'm done because I feel like I'm all over this group today. 

32:31
But, stephanie, like that is so amazing and I just I'm just realizing, like, how important it is to do that. 

32:40
Like I've always said, you know, I like speaking life into other people and I love giving people compliments and what I say is I'm just telling you the truth, like that's just how I feel. But I'm learning that, like with my husband, and maybe there's like some little tiny bit of patriarchal bullshit inside me or something that I really do just have to like tell him, you know, when he's doing great, and like communicating those things to him and not just like telling someone else, or you know, feeling that's doing great and like communicating those things to him and not just like telling someone else, or you know, feeling that in my heart or in my head, just like telling him that, because it just, you know, it makes a huge difference for him. And then it makes a huge difference for me, because then he's like he actually says he's like you're so good at like positive reinforcement And'm like, oh really, because that's not how I felt inside, but it makes a huge difference communicating those things to your body. 

33:33 - Temple  (Host)
I mean, don't, don't you do better when somebody recognizes that you're doing well? I mean, that is so like a relationship, one-on-one stuff. It's not toxic positivity stuff by any means, like that is just loving each other up appropriately, sure yeah. 

33:53 - Stephanie (Guest)
And my favorite thing about bipolar disorder is their capacity to do things Right. Of course they're like great, like I hate that word crazy, wild and unhinged golden retriever sometimes, yeah, but their capacity to love, their capacity to think, to care to I mean, on the opposite side, that the not so good ones, but like everything right, their ability to be angry there it's just the depth of their emotions are so deep that we, as what you would say neurotypical brains, can't access at all. 

34:31 - Temple  (Host)
You know and I've heard that statement that as deep as your pain can go is as high as your joy can go. Have you ever heard that statement? And so I think about that, you know, I think about the depths of pain that I've gone to and I kind of want to skyrocket to those like, yeah, go ahead, fling me the other way, let me all the way have the joy that would be, you know, the, the, the mental equivalent of the pain that I've received. So when it does happen and I have those super happy moments, I really try to stay in it and just relish in it a little bit, you know, and and say, okay, look what I did, man, I dug myself out of that and I need to celebrate this. 

35:16
And you're right, bipolar is really good at rebounding. They can, they can go deep and feel all the pain and the anger and they're expressing it. And then the other side can come and my husband does this to me constantly because I want to celebrate him today. He, no matter what, no matter how crappy I'm feeling, and I start getting down on myself. You know, my foot hurts, I can't get my stuff done right now. I'm like, damn, I got things to do. I can't just be sitting around here and whatever, and he'll just go on a rampage of positivity about all the things that I have accomplished in my life and am going to accomplish in the future incredible. 

35:57 - Claire (Guest)
He will go on dude. 

36:00 - Temple  (Host)
He will go off, claire. He was like you know what, but you know you wrote that book and, gosh, you're just going to be chilling out anyway, because you're about to get this new money coming in and you're going to buy a publisher and then your book is going to sell and then, gosh, all these people are going to want to talk to you and then you're just going to be chilling out, you're going to be at the beach like you like and you're going to be on your phone talking to your girl, like he just went on a rampage for a good 10 to 12 minutes. 

36:26 - Claire (Guest)
You know, and that energy is incredible. 

36:31 - Temple  (Host)
He does it all the time Like at least once a day. 

36:36 - Claire (Guest)
Suck it up, man. So that like energy. 

36:41
I don't know if it's also because like so, I wouldn't be considered neurotypical so you're neuro special yeah, I'm neuro special, I'm, I'm one of the, I'm one of the off ones too, but neuro plus that. So I think I feed off of that same energy and then I'm able to give it back to him in some ways, which I think is why we were able to. That's another reason we're able to communicate sometimes so well. But temple that like that inner, that bipolar energy, or just not only the bipolar energy, but when he he has those super like up moments in that golden retriever, like my heart just runs away with that and I'm like for me, I mean, that's boosted me for two years. Yeah, oh yeah. You know I fell in love with that man because he danced a jig outside my door. That was like that golden retriever, just like super happy, and I'll never forget that day and now, there it is. 

37:38 - Temple  (Host)
That's why you got married, right? Oh yeah, I just won't get married, that's right. You know why? Because god isn't. Isn't joy refreshing, whether it's chemically induced or not? 

37:55
I'm falling for it every time. I'm falling for it every time. I love charm, I love charisma. I love it in all people, not just my partners, but it gets me right away. You know I'm in you. You want to start. You know let's go on a happy rampage. Let me tell you how good you are. What? Let me tell you how good you are. Yep, we're having a good time. Now Let me tell you how powerful you are. No, I'm powerful. No, you're powerful. I mean, it feels good, it is good, it's not toxic positivity. 

38:22
Sometimes you just need to raise your vibe, and my husband has an inherent ability to like. It's literally on autoplay, because I see his wheels turning all the time about what he. What he wishes was created for me and unfortunately, bipolar has disabled him in so many ways. He doesn't go to a job and clock in and out, but his brain still works like a person that is so creative. If he had the essentials on how to make things happen, the management skills, the executive function skills. There'd be no stopping him, and there wasn't before. There wasn't any stopping him before when it came to business, until bipolar kicked his ass so many times. But the drive inside of him is still there all the time. His brain still goes on these autopilots of saying don't worry about it, I'm going to build a house for you and then I'm going to build a house for me right next door so that I won't be bothering you, that you know you're not going to be bothered about my dirty clothes or none of that. You just have your own space the way you like it, and I'll be next door and I'll come over and I'll do your groceries. You know like he has all these things going on inside his world and I'm still here for it, because this world can be real crappy, real crappy, and I love to hear his vision rants. That's what keeps me going in every situation is to be able to just get lost in the potential of life, and that is what has kept me alive. 

40:02
I swear to you and people don't even know one of one of our girls. She didn't even know that my marriage was this hard. She said she sent me a message about things she was going through and I was like Brit. I am so there, I am struggling with this on the daily and she's like oh my god, I thought like you totally had it together. It's like, oh my God, I thought like you totally had it together. It's like in what world do you think I totally have this together? I've learned to enjoy the dysfunction. I learned to function among the dysfunction. 

40:35
Controlled chaos is what I like to call it. There you go, perfect, you know what I mean. Like I still choose. I still have to choose. Do I want this? Am I here for it? You know what weighed out on the daily, is this enough for me? Do I need more? You know? Do I need less? You know. 

40:53
So if you're questioning your marriage, good, you should be. You will be for the rest of your life, but it's what you do on the day to day that's going to keep you going. It's not just what spins through your head, okay, it's what you actually follow through with is what matters, and the more you learn about what matters to you, and those things increase. Just like in any marriage, you need to. Maybe you need a little more attention, maybe you need a little less attention. Maybe you get educated. Like me, I went and got a new degree. Like I'm in a different level and he has to get to know me here now. 

41:27
Like things are constantly going to change and evolve in a relationship, so we all got to keep up. But it's an ebb and flow. Sometimes they're going to run ahead and you're going to get sick. A lot of us have chronic issues. I busted my foot for no reason. He's been running around bringing me stuff. Sometimes one person is up and the other person is down, and that's what partnership is about. 

41:55
If you're questioning if you should be in your relationship or if you should get married, or can I keep doing this, then you are exactly where you're supposed to be. You should question it, because everything you question is going to put you in a place of a higher awareness of what you desire and it's going to help you get creative on how to get those desires filled or how to recreate something else. That was a good temple moment, you guys, and right up right on the hour, but I do want to get. I want to say hello to Candy because she's getting married. She's going to get married, and Donna, before you say anything, candy, because I want to end on you, donna. I just wanted you to remind us that you were about to get married, and what a heartbreak. 

42:39 - Donna (Guest)
Oh yeah, about to get married and what a heartbreak. Oh yeah, it's four months today that I was engaged. 222, 22 at 222 on a cliff in la jolla. 

42:49
Yeah, and today we're here to talk about marriage on the 22nd. I know, with all the all the, all the ogs here that have helped me kind of navigate this, I had a couple of breakthroughs this week. One was what you're saying about. You know, like Dave used to say to me, everyone that's ever fallen in love with me has fallen in love with me in mania. And I said well, that's not true, because I fell in love with you, living with you and getting to know you out of mania, with you, living with you and getting to know you out of mania. 

43:25
We did fall in love within a manic episode but because we had that friendship so many years prior and I knew the norms of him, I told him if he needed to go back home because he had moved out of the house with the ex-girlfriend of 13 years about five months before. You know. I didn't necessarily realize that he was still within that, that, you know. I thought it was a normal breakup. Three times I said to him do you need to go back for your kids because of the whole custody thing? And I said and then just meet me in five years, you know. And he, he just insisted. He said I'm where I need to be, I'm where I want to be, I'm home with you and it's the third time you've said it to me. But I want to be, I'm home with you and it's the third time you've said it to me. 

44:00
But I want to make it really clear and I, you know that was my own kind of, I think, ambivalence of you know and I said to him I wasn't your mania. 

44:08
And he's like Nope, I would say if I didn't know you for 34 years, you would have been my mania girl. But you're not my mania girl, you're the girl I should have dated 30 something years ago. But I realized during this episode, as he posted a picture of his mania girl and him on Instagram the other day and that he went flying, that a lot of this anger is actually not directed at me. It's directed at the ex-girlfriend who reported him to the FAA and he lost his medical for flying, and the mania girl is actually a girl she accused him of having an affair with in 2016. So I feel like it's almost in your face. You took my kids look what I'm doing without you and that's. That's been kind of good for me to be able to put myself aside and realize that I got clumped into that anger. Yeah, it doesn't make it any easier to not? 

44:57
I don't want to say, take it personally, I guess not be with him and not hear from him. He's really shut me out. The only way I know that he got an email I sent him about a week ago and I decided it was going to be my last email, very loving email about you're not your illness, and that I love him and he's brilliant. Yada, yada, yada. And the only way I knew about it is the mania girl texted me and said Donna, why don't you just move on? Well, as all the rest of you have probably been in situations like this, it did not fare well for her. 

45:28
I was about to say, I left her with a Julie Fast video about partners leaving or you know bipolar people leaving their spouses during manic episodes. I left her with that video and I said you'll need this and I blocked her. 

45:42 - Temple  (Host)
Okay, and there it is. Oh, donna, we love you and you know what. I just want to just tell you that you're just one of the strongest people I've ever met. And it's the thing, the times when I'll just say God, for the sake of the word when God forced my husband and I apart and I couldn't get to him. Looking back, I realized that I was the one being protected, that there was a point where there was too much happening that my heart couldn't handle, and when I was re-strengthened and it was time for us to reconnect, it did happen and I was ready for it. So take this time. You know you are doing it already. 

46:28 - Donna (Guest)
Oh yeah, it's changing me and I'm researching the brain and I'm just really empowering myself with understanding what's going on in his brain. But also I'm working out again, I'm doing my nails, I've finally unpacked my house and I just have to trust that if the love that we had for the 18 months was what I thought it was, then he'll make his way back and he's either going to accept this and treat this disease or he's not. But I am dead hard on. There's going to be some proof of that if he's going to have to earn me back, and if he doesn't, then he's never going to. Anyway, I'm a catch. My friend Lenny said you're the total package. So I've gone with Lenny's view of me and he's known me for 30 years. 

47:23 - Temple  (Host)
So you know what and you've known you your whole life. You are a freaking catch and you know what. You're exactly right. You got you. Now is the only time for you to have the leverage to say I won't do mania. You have to do your work or we won't work Period. You have to do your work or we won't work period. You have to do your work or we won't work. It's that simple. It's not freaking simple? So when he's on his way back, you're armed and ready to say, yep, okay, treatment plan. First you get started on it and then we'll work our way back together and we'll figure out if I'm willing to do this ride with you. We'll figure it out. 

48:02
But, right now no mania husbands. 

48:06 - Donna (Guest)
Absolutely. But I want to thank all of you guys and I want to send some love out to Julie Fast too, because she's incredibly insightful and to live with this disease and have as much insight and honesty and she just is this complete, vulnerable but straightforward, beautiful human and I'm thankful she came into our group and happy anniversary Temple. You deserve a big like aha for like everything that you do for not only you and your husband, but for us too. So thank you. 

48:35 - Temple  (Host)
Thank you, donna. I appreciate it so much. I really do. I appreciate all of you, and your constant love and support has been game life changing for me. So, all right, I'm going to take just three more minutes, candy. I'm sorry I wait, I only gave you three minutes left, but I just want to get an update from you, candy. Since you about to get married, I want to know how you're feeling. This is the flip side of the coin. You get to be the one that gets to be triggered. You're the one that gets to live with what bipolar can do. How are you doing? 

49:10 - Candy (Guest)
I'm doing actually really well. I've taken all of the things that I've learned and to throw my perfectionism away and just plan accordingly and the day will be as the day will be. So I'm doing really well. I've got 72 days, yeah, 72 days. Not that I'm counting or anything, but I am because it's kind of exciting. I get to have my hair and my makeup done and all of that girly stuff. So I'm pretty stoked about that. But yeah, no, I just I'm just looking forward to the day and looking forward to the day that it's over also. 

49:45 - Temple  (Host)
That's kind of the thing. Right, that was what I didn't want was I didn't want to work so hard for something that I was going to be exhausted by it. I really wanted it to be simple. And I think God heard that and was like okay, temple, well, you have two weeks to plan it. Heard that and was like okay, temple, well, you have two weeks to plan it. How about that? We had two weeks to get it together and I literally stopped at Trader Joe's on the way to the chapel and grabbed flowers and made a bouquet of it in the car. And you know, we, we rally, we rally, and that's that's what we are. We're the, we're the type of people that know how to rally. Candy, you are that person too. I just watched you like literally transform your thinking in a matter of weeks, from being stressed out to now you're like, oh, I just threw perfectionism out the door. Like, oh my god, bipolar, look at you, look at you. 

50:35 - Candy (Guest)
We wish yes, yes, you can see me dance right now. I wish you could see me dance, yes, so thank you, I'm so happy for you. 

50:44 - Temple  (Host)
You know we wish you nothing but love and blessings on your day. You know we're going to be there all hovering over you in spirit, just holding the love and light for you. And thank you for sharing your journey with us. It's a really important one for us to hear that people living with bipolar can do relationship and can be self-conscious, self-aware, have consciousness about their illness, Like it's really important for us to hear those things. So thank you for being our person, Candy. 

51:15 - Candy (Guest)
Thank you for having me. I always appreciate it we love you. 

51:20 - Temple  (Host)
Thank you for coming and wishing me and my husband a successful anniversary day, which we did have. This was a great anniversary present to me. I love you all so much. You just really lit me up, you.