Welcome Everybody. Thanks for coming We have been part of a four-part series for may mental health may And we've covered four things. Well, this is the fourth one. We've covered three things We started with crisis crisis when it comes to living with somebody possibly with bipolar one with psychotic features or bipolar two with severe depression Crisis can be very debilitating not only for the person that has it but for the entire family, right?
That's why I always call this a family illness because it affects everybody in the room affects everybody in the home And whatever is going on with bipolar the people around Bipolar are absorbing it and reflecting back either by you know, aggressively going after that crisis or shutting down and Suppressing into their own body.
So either way it's not good So for us we really need to be good at Kind of pulling the pieces apart when it comes to crisis and knowing how to automatically address a crisis situation Because the emts aren't coming that first signal, you know what I mean the first glimmer of a symptom You're not going to get a police officer or the psychiatrist on the phone or a counselor or anybody It's you it's you and bipolar facing off in crisis maybe manic maybe on
maybe on the way to psychosis maybe depression to the point of shutting you out or making threats So it's pretty severe Circumstance to be alone in so crisis itself is a major part of our education And the first thing I ask you to do when you're in crisis Is to ask clarifying questions not just for you but for your partner that's living with bipolar first ask yourself before you respond To something that somebody said that your partner said to you that sounds like an
attack or an offense Ask yourself. Is that something that my partner would normally say to me? Could this possibly be a breakthrough symptom? Could this be a yellow flag? Headed towards a red flag. Have they eaten anything today? Did they take their meds like Basics, you always gotta skim through the basics first. Are they tired? Have they slept? Have they eaten? Have they taken their meds? Did they have a conversation with a family member that triggers them?
Did they have uh, Something happen at work, you know, did they go through something that made them feel devalued or defensive? So do your sleuthing before you react when it's a crisis situation and that's probably I think divina Back me up here for a second when you are faced off with mania or crisis And I know you've been there Do you feel like you can run through the scenario of crisis intervention in your head before?
You start having the bipolar conversation How have you been at at doing that lately these days? I'm generously gonna give myself a 50 50 there because sometimes Bipolar likes to come in like the kool-aid man and sneak up on me and like I didn't realize that we're in the mood swing Because my partner rapid cycles. It's like oh, so you're not mad. You didn't eat You're just mad mad mad about everything right now.
Got it It wasn't that mcdonald's got your order wrong and your world's ending or something, you know, and it's like it'll catch me by surprise but that's why i'm grateful to have been able to like practice some of those scenarios with you and Talk through some of the things because when you build like that habit Then you don't even have your brain won't go snap. Hold on. Let me flip out because it's not even You're like we'll deal with that later. Let's de-escalate ourselves and them.
Hopefully Right, right. I like your analogy of the kool-aid man That's very appropriate you don't know sometimes you turn around it's crash bang boom because they've been suppressing I mean, I know this about my loved one is that he'll try not To show what's going on because he doesn't want to alarm me.
He doesn't want to alarm the people around him, you know So he's holding it in and then the smaller thing happens and then it comes out And that's when we have to be really good detectives and go hey, let's go back a few steps Did you miss your meds? That's usually my first question, right? And did something happen before I start yelling back? What are you talking about? Why are you talking to me like that? Hey, you're trying to ruin my day. Don't you see i'm trying to eat?
Don't you remember our agreement that we're not supposed to argue over food because I have stomach problems So I go into that's the bipolar conversation When you get caught off guard and you start defending yourself and trying to push bipolar back as fast as you can Because you can feel it coming at you and you weren't ready Does that ever happen divina? No, absolutely. I like your analogy about arguing over food I think i'd keep like a twix bar in my pocket just to like diffuse the argument.
Oh, I gotta eat now No, i'm kidding I mean, it's a major one because when you argue When your nervous system turns on your fight or flight turns on the literally the blood in your stomach Leaves and your digestive enzymes stop Right and for like if you have ptsd already that hypervigilance is already there like, you know 50 of the day so now I got 25 bipolar and 50 my own issue You have to advocate for yourself and say hey these are we discuss this and we're not going to discuss it
right now You know and it's hard It is but what like you said when you create a habit then your subconscious has the script And I started that script about not arguing over dinner like several years ago.
That was kind of an early Warning that I saw that when we sat down to eat we would start to argue And then I realized it's because he had my undivided attention where i'm usually Busy so he was symptomatic All day, but I was too busy to notice and then we sit down to dinner and then here it comes And and then I can't eat i've got a stomach ache and then ongoing chronic Digestive issues, right?
So I put that boundary up there that I can't argue over food, you know We either have to stop eating or you need to step away so that I can calm down I need to eat peacefully. I don't want to have stomach issues and So that's my boundary and i'm able to say that kind of on autopilot now Like if he's triggered I just say hey, I can't argue with you over food.
Whatever's going on I definitely want to give you the attention that you need for it, but our food just came So can we curb this or can you go outside take a few minutes?
And let's just finish our dinner and then we will we will line item out what's going on and that that has been much more successful Than trying to say hey, I told you we're not arguing over dinner So that's the next step which is de-escalation So de-escalation is a conversation Crisis is you having the conversation in your head Starting to get the line items ready in your head of what you're going to say taking inventory, basically And then the de-escalation Is the conversation?
Plus you got to look around for other things. Did they smoke weed? Did they drink alcohol? You got to be the detectives and put the things together So before you can de -escalate you need to feel like you have enough information To even say anything if you don't feel like you know, what's going on if you can't put the pieces together the best way to de-escalate that is Does anybody know my catchphrase? Bridget Davina, come on. I know you know it. I'll wait for it.
I will know it when you say it, but i'm like, I don't know I'm like Yeah, yes, I mean yes the sandwich sandwich method yes, but no it's stop drop and roll Stop the conversation Drop the topic drop whatever you're doing And roll out roll out of there tell them you have to use the restroom or my phone ring I have to answer this real quick something or you can just say look I need 10 minutes I'm gonna walk away, but i'll be back okay, so that is the if you have
no way to face off and Whatever you're saying is just being volleyed back to you like a slap in the face Stop drop and roll break the energy break the cord that happens when the two of you start engaging and you feel That pull everybody knows what i'm talking about that like vortexy thing that pulls you in Or you feel like you can't move you have to stay there and engage you have to break that energy so that you can reset and figure out what your next move is and how you're
going to Approach the situation we did crisis. We talked about de-escalation We also talked about recovery I'm gonna volley this back over to you divina We were talking about some of the things that happen to us when we're in crisis and de-escalation What happens to the body and what we need to be aware of and can you bring up a couple things of how we?
Have to de-escalate ourselves for the recovery part I think it really boils down to like learning your own Like at pro drums, but I don't know that that really applies to people who are non-bipolar It's just a really convenient word your pre Symptoms symptoms so that you can if you learn those you can really Start to notice them when they're a lot smaller and easier to deal with and then you can put that energy Somewhere else so that you're not taking that bait because oh man, it's been a rough
month And i'm definitely taking some bait sometimes i've had to tell my partner though that i'm setting this boundary I'm, I can't talk about this right now because my emotions are too big and i'm not going to be rational and I feel like I'm, hoping that when I say things like that that they will then realize that it's okay for them to also say Hey, you know, why don't we take 10 minutes to calm down?
I know it's asking a lot considering where he's at right now But it helps me and I don't feel like i'm shoving him off because i've tried that Oh, I gotta go to the bathroom. Oh my phone rings and he's like you don't make me a priority And for the love of all this holy One more time.
I was gonna shove my phone sideways up his nose because I was like I ignore everybody But you because you are consistently in crisis and that's not where I want to be anymore at all So i'm glad that we get this group started because i'm like I need to write some shit down Yeah Well, that's a good one right there, you know when you have done your script and you've played your role to say You know, I gotta step away for a minute and then bipolar hits you with well, you don't
make me a priority Let's talk about that for a minute. I mean that's a punch in the heart, right? That would make me turn around and go are you kidding me? Do you know what I have done? Right and like you had mentioned that's exactly where he hits me because of who I am as a person always trying to hustle for my worth and putting my Value as a human being into other people. So if i'm not worthy and focused on helping him Then i'm a cold-hearted bitch and i'm like, you know what?
Give me my icy tiara because I finally don't feel like chewing my fingernails off Well, you know what you said exactly what I was hoping you would say that the value issue Having value It's our open wound right being devalued when all of us are caregivers we are all part of the overgiver anonymous club and For somebody to say you're not loving me enough.
You're not Prioritizing me That really is a a heart punch is the way I say it And when I talk to davina and her partner has said that she's perfectly calm right up until she says He told me that i'm not doing enough or i'm not loving him enough and then the tears immediately come so We know that that's a value Problem. So that's something that we as the partners have to reconcile within ourselves that we're Along the way have we been trying to prove our worth?
I mean, I can't even count how many rings on the tree I can go back how many years i've been trying to prove my Worth by over providing over giving or over exceeding or being the best at a job or whatever That'll show everybody that i'm valuable.
But then this person is telling me still it doesn't matter It doesn't matter how much it's not enough and that is where we have to move into the recovery part Which is the scripts in your own head that reminds you the things that you do that are valuable That's what we do on marco polo is davina. We talk about what a valuable and incredible Amazing person you are and that it's like you're kryptonite because it immediately disarms you you set up a boundary I'm, not gonna do this.
He brings out the kryptonite that you don't love him enough and you turn to blubber I don't blubber to him.
I just blubber to you or heather I've gotten really a lot better saying you know what i'm not sure why you feel that way because I have three years to prove to the contrary But what would it show what would it take to show you that I do love you and I always get the well If you don't know what that is after three years, well, then I don't know well enunciate your needs get it together Right, what would it take there is no answer to that.
It's an unsolvable Well, and that's why it's the best answer because it's like if you can't express What it is that would show you that more and you can't work with me to find that i'm doing the best I can And if it's not good enough, maybe you should go to vegas and get married. Okay Okay. Well and then and then he did that's a value problem within him that he's just pushing onto you Hi sam, can you unmute hi Well, hi.
I'm so glad you're here I am too This is definitely a very good convo and much needed The situation I thought I would never be in again. I am and it's not fun I don't know. You want me? Where do I start? I mean, first of all, let's just say that we're sorry.
I'm so sorry You know you talked about all the steps and in mental health and to be honest with you the last month or two I would say my own mental health has been a little declining in my value and you know I have a grandmother that is unfortunately going to pass any day I have a job where I take care of kids all day And I have a husband that up until this last week was doing pretty good It still is emotionally draining maintaining Stuff when you're married to a bipolar
spouse and I kind of felt my cup was getting low And after this week's episode, I completely feel depleted I've been saying all week. I just want to feel like myself because I don't like the way I feel right now at all So when you say you want to feel like yourself, what do you feel like you've been missing?
I'm, usually a very happy person Very bubbly and energetic i'm very ambitious I go after what I want and I kind of just feel like life has kicked my butt a little bit and you know When you're constantly running on that adrenaline you eventually wear out and I never really got to that point until Recently and then I think my husband was getting frustrated with the fact that I was not myself and not able to give him All the wonderful things I give him and I think that what happened was not
me being manic It was you overreacting because you're not in a good place. I know that's bipolar conversation I know what is what but it doesn't make it easier to hear and it makes me question my own Decisions in how i've handled things, but I don't know I could just say i've done the best I can I don't know sucks It does suck It does suck So I just have to figure out where do I stand?
I mean I'm living separately right now until things get sorted out We have a couple's therapist appointment on the calendar for two weeks from now and the first time this happened and I had a manic episode you were gone for three months and we I did what I had to do and you came back home and we we've been okay for two years And overall we have we've had minor little hiccups and you know times i've had to leave the house and Use those three things and i've never felt in danger
past that point Before last week. Does that kind of make sense? Like it wasn't anything that was so unmanageable And to my husband he's describing the episode as he was kidding around And he was not angry when he was doing what he was doing and he would never harm me And i'm sitting here and i'm like I was more scared than I was the first episode Because it hit me like a ton of bricks that like oh my gosh Like what is happening right now?
And I don't want to feel like I don't know if he's just trying to make himself feel at peace I don't know what that is, but it's really hard when like someone hurts you like that emotionally and you know Whatever happened physically and then it's like oh like I was just I didn't mean to harm you Hey I don't know what to say to that you overreacted because your mental health's not good like I Yes, like make no like my mental health has not been good recently But it has nothing to
do with the fact that you were out of control and unaware of your actions I would like to believe that if you were sane enough that wouldn't have escalated to the level it did No one ever wants to call 9-1-1 and I really never wanted to call 9-1-1 again And for me I called my therapist in the middle of the crisis because he said call your therapist and I was like perfect great she can talk him down because now this feels above my pay grade and She when we have spoken was like no like you
needed to call you were not Safe in that moment because he wasn't listening to what I was saying Again, would he have actually done what he was starting to do?
Maybe maybe not but I don't feel after being married for four years next month together for seven It's almost like just get away from me when i'm like that is not enough right now for me Yeah, and my head and my heart are saying two very different things I've had friends that came to help me and you know I'm currently in a living situation that's safe because of those friends and I appreciate it and they're like sam We don't want to come to your funeral Because your husband snaps out and you
know what? It's a sad reality that i'm not sure how to move past it and he's not even seeing it as an issue It's kind of very concerning like I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go from here And i'm kind of just trying to survive Oh gosh Sam, thank you for for coming in today I I've cried today was a sad day yesterday I was angry and you know, like I just am going through it and the emotions and you know He's like well if you did things different and I wouldn't react like that like
just totally deflecting not taking accountability And even he said well, I won't drink fireball anymore I'll just have beer like it's just not enough of owning it and more like trying to minimize it And I understand it. He wants me home. He loves me. I want to be home. I love him, but this is just not i'm not Okay Right now with what's going on and I don't know it's hard. Okay. Well, let's just take a breath Sam just breathe for a minute because you've been through crisis.
You're in crisis right now So your sympathetic nervous system is all the way turned on and your adrenaline keeps pumping and you can't think straight you're only thinking survival and Right, like even when this first happened, I called my friend I went to her house and she was like, why are you so fucking calm? What is wrong with you?
And i'm like it hasn't hit me yet And then the next day I was at work and at 10 o'clock in the morning I called my mother-in-law and I had a conversation with her and she told me that I need to leave her son because she doesn't want to visit him in jail the rest of his life that I trigger him and that comments mixed with the last four thirty six hours like that like you talk about the phone to the nose like I Went and locked myself in an office and cried for like two hours
because I was like, how did I end up here? Like this was not what I wanted at all Oh god, of course, it's not what you want, especially when you've had a good run.
I mean your guard is down You you're just living your life, but we have like you said, there's there's a lot of other elements involved You can't always be 100% on guard for bipolar when you've got grandma That's deteriorating and you've got kids that you watch over in your work Like you have elements that you have to have your antennas up anyway for other things So, you know even if there were breakthrough symptoms that started you might not have been all the way
on your game because you have other elements in your life that are taking your attention and your energy Right and I know he had a sinus infection he didn't sleep for a few days He did a web memory and got a steroid which definitely didn't help He went to the beach and had five doubles of a fireball that day I'm, not I know what it is and that's why I think he just is like oh I drank too much And that's why that happened. It doesn't seem that cut and dry right now at all.
Yeah Okay. Well, let me let me talk about this for a minute. Okay, because it's really important This is a very important piece and this is not the first time we've heard this scenario happen we've had some of our spouses that have come in and you know, our bipolar loved ones come in and Say, hey, i'm so glad that my wife has this place to be i'm feeling great.
So glad she's had your support They're fully on board to have recovery plans and safety plans in place and we're like great We're so glad you're stabilized keep going stay on your program and then something comes up a trigger happens there's At least half a dozen that have come through this clubhouse in the last couple years where their spouse has Had a major breakthrough where the incident became highly aggressive and dangerous Girls have had their husbands
grab them by the hair drag them through the house Destroy furniture destroy the inside of their bedroom destroy the car Those types of things and that's terrifying and these are are big guys, too You know, you don't even have to be a big guy But just the threat of having somebody start trashing your house just to clarify everybody The threat of violence is violence, right? That has been a question many times.
Well, I didn't lay a hand on you that doesn't matter threat of violence is Violence, even if it's play wrestling or whatever it is and it's and it starts to turn it's an aggressive act And we have to never sleep on bipolar never never never never sleep on bipolar Okay, if you feel it, it's true if you feel threatened you are threatened Don't question yourself.
Don't blame yourself And that's what my husband said He was like you think I actually would have cut your tail off like it's funny in hindsight But it's not but it was like you literally had bolt cutters in your hand and you were acting erratic So yeah, I questioned my limb for a second. I just don't Understand the logic. It's not logical. It's bipolar, but it's hard Well, it's more than that.
They've gone into a blackout state of psychosis So what you can't rationalize with that and you did the right thing you got out of the house And you went somewhere that you can sustain Yourself for a little while away from him until you can get a better assessment of what's going to happen next This has to be addressed By his care team and I know that you said you put it on him like hey You got to call your psychiatrist and figure this out and set up what needs to happen That's
that's a real boundary sam like that's the one you got to hold on tight to it's really all you have if there's any chance of reconciliation Is where is your care team in this? What are we going to do to? make some very clear new boundaries about alcohol and What violence looks like and what is it going to take for me? To recover from this attack because you conveniently blacked out I did not so now I am Cellularly affected by being attacked by the one that I love most in the world.
I have to process that So my safety now is project number one when Usually we always say treat bipolar first I'm saying put you first treat yourself Because you're the one that's going to have to hold the pieces in place as he's starting to sort it out Because he's still not even at accountability yet. He's still in denial yeah, and honestly like it is like hard but like I do need to take care of myself because I I do I am like Talking to like friends.
I'm like, I just like I said before like you just want to feel like yourself like I Don't like the space i'm in mentally and it's hard because again my head and my heart are saying very different things we can talk about the weather and The beach and like, you know, we can have conversations.
We've had conversations this past week that are Just like a regular married day and then he'll just say little things throughout the week where i'm like you really don't realize What you did you think that i'm crazy and that's disturbing and I don't know how to like Navigate it crystal if you don't mind.
I want to speak on your behalf if you're not gonna come Here she comes I had to threaten her to get her up here crystal Hi, I just thought you were the right person to talk about this because you and your bipolar loved ones had some scary Places right and your boyfriend's a big dude and there were times where you felt very afraid And I want you to talk a little bit about what you had to do while you were in crisis I was on the phone with you while you were there like hunkered down.
Yeah, but You did recover Talk a bit about it.
Yeah, it got to a point where it's it kind of sounds Uh, what's the word ironic I guess but it just got to a point in john's health that the Predictability of bipolar started becoming very unpredictable and what I mean by that is the the level of blackouts the level of like you're here and then you're not because we Can have regular days and then it got to a point where the triggers were too great And yeah I had to have temple really talk me through of like what are my next
steps because I had to remove myself I had to take my dog and I had to literally just leave because I was fearful of what can happen it also Escalated it got to a point where I was like I had to set the boundary of like I don't feel safe So you and I need to go find help today.
That was followed by Thankfully in front of professionals, but you know the episodes escalated to the point where I had witnesses And it was really just brought down to yeah, I was threatened right and um, no he was not in his right mind No, he was completely Uh nose deep into to mania and I had to remove myself so as far as like taking care of myself goes it it was really about finding my Safety and so what that looks like for me is like thankfully I have a you know I
have a shop my job, uh is a separate location So if I really had to I can go there But it was really just me hunkering down in the car For a lot of the times to make sure is he gonna come home Or is he going to be walking aimlessly around the city and is he going to show up?
I don't know when but i'm safer here and it really had to Come down to that point until he De-escalated and I was able to take him to um urgent care or emergency Really so and then that's just a whole other journey in itself.
But to really get to the point of compliance was a huge huge feat Yes, but you know and i'm so glad you brought that up because We were very concerned about crystal and john that he just wasn't de -escalating and he kept self-medicating With with weed and alcohol and then when he came down he was so sorry And and we love him and we love all of our bipolar loved ones. They're all amazing people.
Nobody expects this type of Aggression to come out of our loved ones, but it happens and it's shocking and crystal held her ground and said i'm not Going to come back home until we have a safety plan.
There has to be a safety plan in place and then we came up with the safety plan, which was you're going to go to the doctor and We're going to figure out the meds and things like that And and then we're going to get a next step plan on how we're going to do maintenance And and then we just happened to got introduced to dr.
David stevens who's down on the bottom So that'll be a good segue but john had to make new commitments about what he was bringing to the table for safety that he showed up to a brain recovery workshop for Three months and he took his meds every day And he went to counseling and he he had to do his part to gain the safety back, right? Yeah, very much.
So and you know, I full transparency while it's been a great relief and there is Meds now a med routine that has greatly lifted a lot of pressure and and and fear It hasn't always been consistent and I would even say currently there is less consistency Like it's still a dedication.
There's still the commitment, but it's less consistent and i'm noticing the self-medicating coming back And so i'm just kind of still setting the boundary of like take your meds take your meds It's also a little difficult right now because as he gains new insurance, there's going to be the whole transition But la -di-da those are just logistics, but all that to say Yeah, it's it's constant readjustment There there's a constant tug and pull and and flexibility to this But I have been
feeling in my soul and intuitively like okay crystal don't let your guard down too much Triggers happen and so I feel lately like not on edge, but just to be more aware of what Can happen and if it does I have to kind of remember like what are my steps again? No, I get that completely and i've lived in that space the last two years. So I totally get what you're saying a thousand percent And I think the first time my husband was actually arrested.
He actually had a restraining order in place and He reached out we spoke after like a week and he was just like i'm sorry whatever I need to do I'll do it to get better to fix this problem and i'm not really getting that this time and he sounds Logical in some ways in the way. He's trying to defend it, which is making it very Confusing if that makes sense, like this is not what happened the first time around He's more like trying to logically explain his way out of it.
He's trying to deflect Which makes sense because who wants to admit that I just scared my partner They don't they don't want to be those people and the guilt and the shame that they carry because of it is real It's very sad to see the consequences I know from talking to my husband the things that he's done when he was psychotic and blacked out He still carries that and when he gets manic, he will bring those things up. Like well, I did that to you I did that to you.
So it's still in his subconscious About what he's done. So it's very challenging for them to really take it in and take accountability And then stay clear about it that i'm never going to do that again because they they're kind of afraid of themselves So we have to hold them accountable for their safety. The boundary is not just for us, right?
It's so that they don't have to live with the consequences of what you've just done to your wife So crystal, um, just reminder right refresher This is what we're doing. If you're seeing some signals then you need to re-up. Where's my safety plan? What do we do if there's a breakthrough symptom? What if he escalates suddenly look around for booze bottles hidden? What's going on? It might be time for a check-in. Hey, let's call temple. Hey, let's call.
Dr Stephens don't stay in a bubble when you start seeing signs This is when you need to remove the isolation Because secrets make us sick and start opening back up like hey, oh everybody thinks we were doing so good I don't want to tell anybody that we're relapsing a little bit. It's okay. Is this a judgment-free zone? Yes, the fuck it is. So I would rather Know what's going on now? Before you're hunkered down in the bottom of your car again, right?
So just stay open No, thank you for that because that little shame spiral that little embarrassment Perfectionism spiral that i'll get into.
Yeah, that totally eats at me But uh, no something was telling me just lately like no you need to get back in there and and refresh and and uh enlighten yourself again because kind of like You know how sam mentioned earlier or when you mentioned earlier just like the guard is down, but you can't sleep on bipolar No, and that's that's a truth That's a really tough truth It is.
I just want to open it up for um, divina or bridget or even dr stevens if you have any commentary about this topic where we're at As somebody who's actually gone into psychosis only once and it was drug induced Because my doctor didn't tell me my meds didn't mix with alcohol. So I learned my lesson.
I genuinely Didn't remember and there are people who are like, there's no way that was you there's no way you did that I called my ex-wife from jail to pick me up the next morning and she said you didn't do it We're married for six years, you know Nothing what happened was so Messed up that it took me two or three years to believe that it had happened at all Even though I had evidence that it happened and the hardest part was I kept trying to justify it Well, she got in my face.
Well, she called me up lots of things I probably shouldn't say and whether somebody screams in your face or not You are still 100% Responsible for your reaction if your frontal lobe turns off then we got to go backtracking to why'd you let it get that far?
The way that you reacted was completely out of survival and you don't have to justify that to a single human being you were Terrified as anybody would be so however long it takes you to build up that safety again, you get that time There's no fucking timeline. It's like grief.
Nobody gets to tell you when it's not linear You're going to do two steps forward and one step to the side And there will be times where you feel that safety and eventually hopefully you've always been married a while It sounds like that will like de -escalate in your nervous system to where it's more of a memory and less of a trigger But don't feel bad about that. Please for the love of all that's holy Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad you said that.
Absolutely sometimes we have to take breaks and really let our mind clear up because What's going to come out is our own I call myself a helicopter wife, right? My helicopter wife comes out immediately during crisis and like oh my gosh well, let me just clean this up while my insides are going are terrified and I have to then wait and make sure that my body can catch up with the recovery Even if he's de-escalated I'm not My adrenaline is still going My heart's still pounding.
I still have the cortisol overload I have to deal with the memory of what he did and even though he can't remember it I'm carrying it now for both of us So you have to take the time to do your own processing and to demand that there's nothing wrong with that It's it's safety first safety is sexy If you ever want to feel sexy around that person again, you have to feel safe If you want to see him as sexy he has to be safe So take that time be you have a safe place to be right now Sam
stay there and push against those instincts That mama bird that wants to just run in and kind of rescue the situation Hold yourself back And really take the time to put your pieces back together and make sure that you have your safety plan in place Before you make any moves because once you've lost your leverage, which is you you're the leverage once you've given them back Their safety and they've made no moves.
It is a million times harder to backtrack and say, okay Now, let's go do those things. You said you were gonna do you know what I mean? You are the leverage and you have to set the precedent that until safety is in motion i'm gonna hold back So I I do understand that and it's hard and I in my heart.
I would love to be home We went I haven't seen him except we went out to lunch and you know, I saw him and he was okay He was a little off, but I wanted to assess the situation and you know, I bawled my eyes out when I left I said I don't want to leave i'm mad. You put me in this situation like I don't want this, but I need this And you're absolutely right because I can't physically do it and what you said about the adrenaline and the safety is right on the money Yeah, i'm so glad you came sam.
You're always welcome here. Good times are bad. It doesn't matter a year from now, whatever That's for everybody like this is just a this is a place for you to tap into We all need a safe place to tap into and if you don't have it around you Then come back and get a reminder get a refresher Am I in the safety zone or am I in jeopardy? You have to be able to self-analyze And go through the steps. Am I in crisis? Are we de-escalated? Are we moving towards recovery?
What would it take to go from recovery to maintenance? And then even in maintenance you never sleep on them because relapse could come but what is the bigger picture? Let's look for the next step and we're already down to our last 15 minutes So I want to actually segue this on two things.
Number one is there is more support Okay, and I have started a second focus group It's a small group where we do exactly what I was talking about is get our safety plan all the way filled out We talk about what it is that we want to create in our relationship We create a plan of action. We do visioning around it You have other people that are in the same circumstance where they've been in crisis. Maybe they're in the recovery stage Maybe they're in the maintenance stage.
Maybe they're getting divorced. Maybe they've run away There's lots of different stages But if we all come together talk about what it is We want to create what our heart's desires are when you have other people around you that truly Understand your intention and hold that for you. That is an incredible power to harness things move very quickly When you have somebody that cares about you witnessing your desires, right?
It motivates you and it holds you accountable to keep going And create a better foundation for yourself and a better next step You can find it in my website. If any of you feel like you need some a little more temple time Please go in there and sign up for that. I want anybody that feels like they don't have support to please consider that Okay. Now also we have another level of support for our Loved ones with bipolar.
This is a new Level of support that we didn't have before Most of you have heard me talk about my husband and I we went through the brain recovery workshop with dr David stevens and that was a four -month process That we did glucose supplementing and if you don't know what i'm talking about, there's an interview with dr stevens and he explains Why glucose is so necessary for the brain number one. It's the brain's fuel It's what it uses for fuel. So it's pretty dang important.
And what are the glucose burners that happens when you're somebody that has experienced long-term trauma whether it be emotional trauma or even physical trauma like car accidents or You know wrecking your bike too many times things like that.
So our bipolar loved ones You know historically have a reputation for trauma, right a history of trauma and the more trauma you're in The less glucose resources your brain gets So think about that as the fuel goes down the engine begins to disrupt doesn't act, right? So dr stevens is doing another round of the brain gang. I call it.
It's a glucose recovery Workshop where he will teach us exactly how to use glucose as a supplement to daily give your brain The Well, we use dextrose which converts to glucose. So i'm going to turn this over to dr. David if you're there Uh, can you introduce yourself again? Dr. Stevens and where where you're from?
Sure, and um, thanks for allowing me to be In listening and I didn't really want to interject because I think the conversation was so good and helpful So just briefly i'm a neuropsychologist by training my focus what i'm doing now On brain recovery and rehabilitation and that includes for people with bipolar spouses of people with bipolar and one of the things that temple And I think crystal and some others alluded to was almost ever present issue of substance use with bipolar That not a
hundred percent but very very common That drugs and alcohol are part of the picture and being aware of your loved one with bipolar's triggers and relapses and drug and alcohol uses Very very important in making sure that you stay safe And in just the whole recovery process one of the things that I don't or haven't at least in the groups with temple talked a lot about is I've done a lot of work with what's called co -occurring disorders meaning chemical dependence and mental illness
Including bipolar and so really you're having to manage both of those things pretty actively in many many people's situations So I think being aware of that is important a little bit of the rest of my background I've done research projects with the national jewish center in denver colorado, which is very famous for Asthma and those sorts of things but cognitive effects of that or research projects i've worked on I do neuroscience in jails and prisons getting ready to do A longer term training in
the country of estonia on neuroscience and specifically on glucose So have a lot of background in doing neuropsychological assessments Understanding brain function and then doing the glucose treatment has really made it possible For people to recover from the effects like temple was saying of head injuries and traumatic events And one other thing I just wanted to mention is some or all of you may be aware of this but the female response to sympathetic nervous system activations
Has been called or the fight or flight or freeze is what it's called really as it pertains mostly to males But females tend to react to trauma with what's called attend and befriend response and that's good if you're with your friends, but that response to trauma even happens with partners And unfortunately that kind of puts you at risk, which is why temple keeps emphasizing the safety plan But trying to tend and befriend your spouse who is doing things that result in trauma for you
Puts you in a very difficult spot. So learning ways Differently is really important. I mean that was kind of a mic drop right there moment. Dr Stevens because you just described us all tend and befriend. That's a good one. That makes total sense You want to come in and triage the situation get everybody fed and watered and tucked in I love that you said that that was great.
So I just want everybody to know that several of us went through Dr. Stevens workshop and everybody every single one of us the so-called quote-unquote Neuronormatives and our loved ones with bipolar all had significant reduction in symptoms It's not a short term.
It is more of a you know, long -term program I guess you would call it but it is a lifestyle change for a certain period of time but I can definitely testify that there's been changes in me and Most significantly what I saw in my husband was several several things right?
Dr. Stevens a lot Yeah, he really changed his mood was the number one his mood leveled out which he was kind of there anyway But then he was still snappy But the snappiness went down and the most out stepping symptoms that I noticed was his Cognitive function that he was engaging in conversation with me in a way that he hasn't in years My husband was significantly impacted with his cognitive function and memory due to so much psychosis But his symptoms reduced his eyes looked
more clear his eye contact Improved he looks at me when he talks to me. He doesn't take five to seven seconds to respond now He takes one to two seconds to respond. So his processing is definitely improving And he's a he's a fan now. I mean he's convinced that the glucose is his brain fuel and he understands it now So he's in it for the long haul.
So we're going to do another round of it him and I so if any of you Think that your partner might be willing to engage with that It's a six-week workshop and if you want the details of that just message me on instagram And i'll make sure that you get the emails just send me your email and i'll send you the information Here's the caveat though, and you can't just send your partner.
Okay, you have to come with the accountability is very difficult For somebody living with bipolar you already know you remember trying to get them on meds Did they take their meds on time every day my husband still to this day does not Somebody has to hand it to him and it's been eight years You have to show up the workshops will be recorded. So for some reason you can't be there.
That's okay But the group dynamic is really good because to see everybody start to report symptoms and decrease in symptoms And comparing notes is really priceless and being able to look at each other I'm gonna give bridget a minute to comment on this With myself and my husband and i've talked about this a little bit We both had a reduction in my case in symptoms of anxiety and then just some like lethargy tiredness that I had that seemed to be like a holdover from
When we were separated and I had so much trauma around that and then with my husband he has bipolar, too And so his symptoms sometimes show up in a little bit different way but he was having a lot of memory issues and just kind of Processing he just felt like maybe he was not processing things as quickly in his thinking and he's still doing the glucose I think he's about five months in and You know just continuing to see gains and then something that dr stevens and I talked about or we
talked about With my husband as well is that I can start to see some of his emotional and relational Skills that I thought were lost maybe coming back slowly But um, dr stevens did explain that that's one of the last parts that you know, maybe would be refueled And so, you know, it gives me a lot of hope for our future together as well So yeah, I mean I encourage if you For yourself or you think your spouse, you know would would want to do it as well I think it's definitely
a game changer when you're ready for it Absolutely. I I was I can confirm that as well that my primary symptom was anxiety That's the only thing i've been diagnosed with was situational anxiety due to i'll give you a guess Okay, you already guessed it and I felt the switch come down The the spinning somebody else asked me did you feel the spinning stop?
And and I thought that was a great way to explain it Yes, the spinning of the thoughts all slowed down the hamster wheel stopped and now i'm like, what do I do with all? this brain space Um, dr. Stevens, is there anything else you want to say about this program?
Um, I think it's important to emphasize really six months is the minimum amount of time It takes for the brain to fully reset And be refueled and for people with bipolar it can take longer than that And so like temple said it is kind of a little bit of a longer term process, but it isn't a forever process But sticking with it, you know, really until all the symptoms are gone, which will happen is important There's a little bit of ups and downs and a little bit of technique that's required to
make sure that you get through getting used to taking the glucose and Taking the amount so that ongoing support is really an important thing And you know temple is obviously fantastic at doing that And like I said, i'm available to people individually as well as in the group context to Make sure you get through the entire process and your brain gets fully recovered Yes, absolutely Okay, I think that is a wrap for today we did such a great job.
Thank you for coming everybody Davina, thank you for sharing and sam. I'm really glad you came. I hope you feel better today Do you feel a little better sam? A little bit. Thank you greatly appreciated. We're gonna close it out. Dr. Stevens. Thank you for coming We're so glad to see you. Love you. Everybody. Bye. Bye