0108 - Is Bipolar Driving You to Drink - Bipolar Relationships

0:00:00 - Temple
Welcome everybody to. I'm Married Bipolar. What do you think Is bipolar driving you to drink? To drank Mazel tov? Yeah, absolutely. Can somebody else's symptoms bring you symptoms? 

Sure, yes, we don't live in super, super tight bubbles, right, when you're living with somebody that has any other type of illness, ailment, conditions or habits, you're pretty enmeshed. Energy is everything and energy is contagious. So, unless you've figured out personally, have a bulletproof lockdown energy bubble. Whoever you're living with, if they have a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, a lot of aggression or irritation, it's definitely going to affect you and your mood and your focus and your body and your health. So that's what I want to talk about today is have there been times when you have decided that substances or alcohol, drugs or alcohol or any other substances, even like melatonin or things like that that you've had to do that to get yourself in a place where you can cope with what you are dealing with? 

And if you did, were you able to be open about it? Did it get to extremes where it was obvious to everybody? Or did you mask to your friends and family? Like you know, I'm just doing the best I can with what I got. Let's have a cocktail, masking it with socializing things like that. Let's talk about it, okay. So who wants to be my friend today and come up on stage and talk about their dirty laundry? Bring it, bring it, bring it, bring it. Okay, davina, you get to be my first one that's going to talk about your dirty laundry today. Okay, go, let's hang it out. 

0:02:00 - Davina
I was never a big drinker. Just mainly because I don't like hangovers never a big drinker. Um, just mainly because I don't like hangovers and in order to keep up with my partner's mania, I thought it'd be like a really great idea to start imbibing in more stimulants than I was already taking voluntarily. It's not a good idea, fyi guys. Recipe for fucking disaster. Because anything you can do bipolar can do by exponents and I didn't understand that. I thought if I just got a little high I could be on that level. No, like I see you're high and I raise you psychosis. It's not helpful. 

And I did hide from my family and friends Like my partner actually has not met any of my family or friends because I was embarrassed of who I was and the decisions that I made. You know it sucks to have to live in that almost that bubble of shame that you you're like. No, I can't handle this. Not only can I not handle this, I don't want you guys to see me like this because I love you. So it was very important to start loving me and doing me and taking care of me to get that mindset to go away. 

0:03:14 - Temple
Okay, Well, let me back up a little bit. Okay, because you started using substances kind of like just to be together. Is that the way you saw it at the time? 

0:03:25 - Davina
I had been clean for several years and the only time I ever utilized substances was, you know, if I didn't have time to sleep, and it wasn't. I don't want to say like it was tame addiction, but like taking a couple Adderalls, real different than mainlining methamphetamine. Okay, let's just put that out there. Not that I did that, but there are extremes and working healthcare in a pandemic. At first I justified it. You know he and I were together. He was able to get meds that I couldn't get or meds that I shouldn't have gotten, and then it got harder and harder to get them because of everything going on with the dark net and things like that, and so it was like, oh, let's, let's do meth again. Like in retrospect I'm like what was wrong with me? But I know I was really just trying to numb out from my own pain. 

0:04:21 - Temple
Trying to numb out. Ok, so and keep up. I'm out and keep up. No, that's really important that you said that, to keep up, because mania is a very high vibration to keep up with. Right, their energy is off the charts. It's something we all want but we can't naturally have it. So it kind of makes sense to me that you were like I want to be able to keep up with my partner and have a good time together, and if they're not sleeping, I want to not be sleeping. But I guess I want to go just a little bit deeper, not, I guess I do want to go a little bit deeper as to what was going on inside of you. That thought if I don't keep up, what's gonna happen? 

0:05:07 - Davina
I was afraid he was gonna hurt himself, and I'm not using that as a cop out to blame him for my addiction, cause that's not it. I was an addict before I met him. I'm very much like a whatever I'm surrounded by. Those are the choices I will start to make, and if it's easily accessible and I don't have to work too hard to get it, okay cool. I had to learn to create a life I didn't want to run away from, and that was definitely much harder. What was I afraid of? 

The reason that I started using methamphetamine with him was because he told me he was not going to make it to his 39th birthday. He was going to go visit some friends and he would be back a couple days after that, and I didn't believe him. So I went with him on this adventure. 400 miles away, we ended up at a trap house, and I obviously don't look like somebody who belongs in a trap house. So immediately everybody was assuming I was a narc. So you got to do what you got to do to fit in, you know. So you don't raise the suspicions of the people who have been on drugs for like 72 weeks straight. So I slept and it was for like maybe a week, but before that I was abusing, you know, adderall and things like that anyway. So it wasn't like. That was pretty much like my OK, this is bottom, like let's get out of here, I'm not doing this. And luckily his family came to the rescue and tricked him into being hospitalized because I didn't know what to do. 

0:06:35 - Temple
I just didn't want him to die. And then, when did you have a chance to start your sobriety? 

0:06:44 - Davina
I can't tell a lot of the details because I'd really like to not get arrested. 

0:06:51 - Temple
Are there any narcs in this room right now? You must leave. You know you have to identify yourself as the law. 

0:06:57 - Davina
I just mean, if somebody were to stumble across it, I don't know, it's kind of incriminating, but basically it gave all of the substances we had back to the person who gave them to us in exchange for about the tenth of the amount of money it was given to them for, because I had nothing and his family had taken him. So I got home and I admitted to my son who is a whole grown up but still my child that I had screwed up and I'm going to do better. And I was on the phone with my therapist like the next day, talking to a doctor trying to make sure that you know I didn't have the luxury of going to medically assisted detox. That wasn't an option, so it was just. You're going to be real tired and cry a lot for the next like three months. At least Remember who your friends are and reach out to them. 

0:07:49 - Temple
Yeah. So, Davina, once you were alone, you I mean, I'm talking for you now. I'm sorry, but it feels like once you were away from bipolar, you realized how out of balance you were. The drugs weren't serving the right purpose for you, right? 

0:08:11 - Davina
Right, and then he actually got released from the hospital and I went and picked him up and then he came back and his sister committed suicide. So he started using again right in front of me after I had been clean for a month and I watched the spiral happen so fast, him just going right back to square one, so he had to go to rehab. I said you can't stay here, right, I can't do it. Wow, obviously it wasn't better. He was just like barely stabilized, wasn't detoxed, it was just like not in psychosis anymore. That was it Right. He was still dealing with everything else. So Okay. 

0:08:54 - Temple
So you had the strength to say I can't have you using around me, you have to be in rehab. You did that, and then what was your method? Of stains clean from there. 

0:09:08 - Davina
I started going to codependents anonymous from there I started going to Codependence Anonymous just trying to do better, and I know that sounds so simple. Okay, it's like overly simplified, but if you take out the equations that make you want to escape and you cope with the things you're running away from, then you have no reason to use. 

0:09:28 - Temple
Oh, that was beautifully said. That's beautifully said. I love that. You said that because I've seen you really, really fight for your and I won't say sobriety, and I won't say to stay clean, because those are older terms. It's we're supposed to say abstinent, but to me that always sounds like not having sex. That's the new. 

0:09:54 - Davina
Well, my concern is like I had told you earlier. You know I ate half a gummy because everything I was taking to try to help myself feel better wasn't working. And I still feel this weird like societally imposed shame. And then I listened to like what I'm saying. I'm like closed shame. And then I listened to like what I'm saying and I'm like Daphina, it's not meth. Okay. Like just stop, cause there's no casual meth usage. You can't just like moderate that. Okay, I don't care who you are, it doesn't take long before you're taken apart. Vcr is thinking Jesus is your friend. Okay. So the bipolar brain when IV is unlike anything I have ever seen, yeah, and I just didn't want him to destroy himself and if he was going to do that, I damn sure was not going to watch. 

0:10:41 - Temple
Okay, so the motivation for you to live kicked in. 

0:10:46 - Davina
Not just live, but like actually thrive. I had been surviving. My entire life was just one chaos and then survival, and then chaos and then survival. I wanted something more than that. I'm still trying to figure out what. That is All right, but, like, at least I'm clean, at least I'm mentally much more sound than I have been in my entire life, and while I may not know where my path is going, at least I'm not crawling on it anymore, absolutely. 

0:11:17 - Bridget
Where you know at least somewhat where it's not going and where you don't want to go or ever be again, Absolutely. 

0:11:25 - Temple
Thank you, you can't. A lot of times we don't know what we want until we don't know what we don't want. Did I say that right? When you realize that you don't want this, then you start figuring out. But I do want that and that is one of the toughest questions when I get new clients as for me to get an answer about what is it that you want, and what usually comes out of their mouth is what they don't want. 

Well, I don't want for him to be blaming me for his illness and I don't want to be talked to like I'm valueless. Okay, so let's talk about what do you want? You do want to feel valued in a relationship. You do want to feel nurtured. You want to feel safe. You want to feel protected. You want to feel safe in your own home and in your own decision-making skills, and I've watched you do that, davina, that you keep growing your confidence about your decision-making skills, because the little you from back when still thinks certain things. 

You know that it's okay to be treated a certain way, or maybe this is the only way I'm going to be able to live, and those are the old programs that come around and when bipolar hits those buttons that you're not doing enough to. You know for me to show up for you. If you would just do better. You're not taking good enough care of me. It really hits those old programming buttons and I'm so proud of you that you continue to maintain your lifestyle of sobriety, even when that pain comes up. I'm watching you live through it. I'm watching you process through it, cry through it, get mad through it, pickaxe through it, talk through it, show up through it, peer support through it, like all the things, pray through it, whatever word you know you use. But you keep doing, processing inner reflection and letting it go and growing. 

And to me that is the whole point of recovery, of doing your own work. You are absolutely doing it and I really appreciate you sharing your dirty laundry. I know you do readily but, you know, not with this much of a spotlight. But I do want to highlight that we can really get caught up in what's going on with our bipolar loved ones when they're at their most sick. And meth, heroin, all of that included, but just the uh, the popular drugs and alcohol, you know, weed and and booze those are on the top of the list that we all have access to and can do any time right, so I wanted to talk a little more about that. If anybody here has seen themselves just going too far with how much they drink, how much they smoke, and just noticing like I don't really feel good doing this, or I know this is too much, but I'd rather be drunk than look at what's happening in front of me. Hi, malia, thanks for coming up. 

0:14:37 - Guest One
What do you think about this topic? I wouldn't say I have, I don't have a ton to say about it, so I feel bad. But you know, I feel like some people fall into the boat of your bipolar loved one. Does it all so that you're just fall into the boat of your bipolar loved one. Does it all so that you're just. 

you have to be on at all times and I think, even when I would like to have a drink, it's like I never, I'm never safe to even even just have a normal drink, and so you kind of fall into that boat of like I'm always the mom, I'm always the adult, I'm always the safe person, and he doesn't have to be that and he can go off the rails and use all the things and all the substances and all the alcohol. 

I mean one of our last one times, not our last time. It's one of the times we had a holiday party for my work and he had said, like he usually says, you know you, you drink, I'll drive home, don't worry. You know you relax, you enjoy this time, and I always know better. And sure enough, you know, I pulled up my second drink to have a sip, and I saw he was on his fifth or sixth and ended up carrying him home that night, puked in the parking lot. All the EMTs at work had to go check on him to make sure he was alive while I cleaned up the party, and so it's just like, in a whole nother way. It's like I would love to just even have a drink. 

0:16:00 - Temple
No, that's so on topic, I'm really glad you brought that up, actually, because that's real, that's relevant, that when you know that your partner is not somebody who's stable with drugs and alcohol or doesn't have self-control, you know we do become the protectors and providers and caregivers and part of that is to make sure that we all get home safe. I was right there, Malia. Not so much about like my husband's drinking, not so much about like my husband's drinking. Drinking wasn't a big thing for him, but THC, marijuana use and just his awareness, just his life awareness, wasn't there. 

I felt like if we go anywhere with friends and it's past eight o'clock, like he's not really there, so I can't drink. I need to stay aware and you know he may not be drunk or inebriated, but what if he gets triggered? Yep, you know, and we're in a social space and something triggers him and I'm not sharp enough to be able to wrangle the situation and deescalate it and get us out of it, right, yeah, so I'd love to go get drunk with somebody if they would like and but not I have to be alone, or with somebody else, oh, okay, I could probably only do two before I get a stomachache, but I am with you. 

We're going we're going yeah, on that we're not. 

0:17:38 - Guest One
We're not in the, we're in a rough time right now that I'd love your guys's advice on of like I don't know if it's just, I thought it was. You know, you think it's the meds. And then once they're on the meds for a long enough period time and you're like, oh, you're still cycling and really having a hard time, and our latest thing right now is he blew up at me about going camping. Uh, oh, it's you guys. It's messed up. Um, let's see that I'm disrespectful of him as a man and that I do too much. I was. 

I was packing, like our kitchen box, cause I cook on the meals, but I was being disrespectful of him as a man and him planning this trip and him like being in charge, because he needs that as a man and being the provider. This is all from somebody who's not working currently and all this stuff that I'm just like part of it as a wife. You're sitting there thinking like am am I being disrespectful or or is this bipolar? Am I even having? Am I having a conversation with my husband and I am a disrespectful wife that should be letting him plan this camping trip, or is this a bipolar conversation? And how you stop that. I don't think I'm even going to go on this camping trip Because I'm like, what am I? I'm walking into a minefield of, like he said, when I make, when I build the fires, that's disrespectful, and when I pick out where I want the tent put or anything, that I'm just like. I don't think I can do anything right, and whether this is even a safe vacation to go on. 

0:19:10 - Temple
So you're about to go, or are you already in a? Week, oh trigger warning. 

0:19:18 - Guest One
It's been a summer and vacations and all this stuff has been. Now you look at it and you think like, oh my gosh, I can look back like four or five years and I can see all this, but at the same time it's so. It's a mindfuck of like what did I do something wrong? Is building a campfire of disrespectful act? Or am I having a conversation with somebody who is dysphoric, manic, because that's what it feels like, and it feels like we've been in that for the last like month. Oh gosh. 

0:19:49 - Temple
Okay, well, it definitely sounds like you're in the prodrome zone, right, the pre symptoms to the symptoms, and that he's leading up to more. But he's telling you why he's sick. He's telling you that he doesn't feel valued as a man right now, probably because he's not able to work, or whatever the work situation is. He's not providing in that way that, culturally, in any, any form, hurts a man in his value, bipolar or not. So he's creeping that out in your message that, look, I'm still a man, I'm still the man I can build a fire, I can take out the trash. Don't take away the pieces of me that I can still do. It's really just a cry for help, malia, I don't feel good and I don't want to say that I don't feel good. So I'm just going to tell you that you're making me feel bad. Right, it's not me, it's you. Crystal had a flash up of that and, yeah, your man is one of those mans right, you got to be the mans yes. 

0:21:05 - Guest Two
No, I just I resonate so much Not all of you know this as much as like Temple does from working with her, but, like, for me, it's a lot of emotional response, and so my job, or really my work, is to create healthy boundaries, healthy language, and not emotionally react to things. 

That being said, I can't help but feel sometimes, kind of like what you touched on, where it's like, well, he is revealing what he's in need of per se, or whatever is making him in this state of sick or dysphoric, it's speaking to something, and so there's a part of me that can't help but feel like, okay, once we reach a point of calm or stable, I want to remain curious about this. I want to then leave room for relational repair or relational issues, and so it just kind of goes back and forth for me, and so I still have to stay vigilant and, you know, still do the thing where I have to distinguish, like where are you at, where are you? How can I meet you? So it's just a constant dance, and so I've just been trying to figure that out myself really. But it isn't you, it's bipolar. 

0:22:18 - Temple
You know, bridget, this kind of makes me think a little bit about your loved one, because he so greatly identifies with being a provider, right? I mean, her husband works a lot and I would wonder, like what would happen? What do you think would happen for him If something happened that he wasn't able to work For some reason? How do you think that would translate to his identity in the marriage? 

0:22:50 - Bridget
Uh, it would be terrible. Yeah, because you know he is like work is his sole focus, other than us, and he does not prioritize friendships, maintaining relationships with his family. I mean, they're all kind of a mess. So I get that you know it would be really hard for him if he didn't have this job, or a job at this level, because I think, unfortunately, like he's attached so much of his identity to it. 

0:23:27 - Temple
Yeah, ps. I love drunk Bridget. Bridget doesn't have a drinking problem. I'm just saying she's Marco Polo'd me after a couple glasses of wine and she's a ton of fun. So I encourage Bridget to drink more. 

0:23:44 - Bridget
I did go on a work trip and we did have a lot to drink and I did Polo Temple you know it needs to be fun mean the reason for substances are to alter our moods to a positive. 

0:23:59 - Temple
You know it's not for us to become abusive, assholes or isolate or cry in the shower or any of that. So if you are using alcohol or drugs and there's a negative effect on your life, then you need to start asking some questions about why am I doing this? If you're having some drinks with friends and it's a nice social outlet and it breaks up some of the mood, then you're using responsibly. It's fine. I have a long history of being a party girl. For anybody that has listened to my audio book, I was a major party girl and socially was very beneficial for my life because I was a happy person. 

When I drank it didn't didn't. I didn't go to jail, it didn't cause problems. In that way I didn't turn into a raging bitch. But I could do that sober. But I had to curb the alcohol use because of the stress that was on my body that was coming from the interactions with bipolar and you know, as my stomach hurt more and my body hurt more, it was apparent that I couldn't add anything else. That was going to cause my body to have to work hard to process, and alcohol is something that is technically a poison to the body, so unless you're, you know, somewhat healthy, it could take several days, even weeks, to process alcohol out of the body. Crystal, I want to talk to you a little bit because your bipolar loved one's substance of choice mostly THC, sometimes alcohol, though, though, and he gets in trouble when he does that. He has almost like a instant mess reaction with alcohol, but yeah, yeah, yeah, thc is the preferred method. 

0:25:47 - Guest Two
Let's say, if he's already dysphoric and you're gonna add alcohol, it it's a shit show and sometimes it is absolutely scary. But if he's hypomanic and he drinks, he's just elevated, it's just extra. But THC has been just in rotation and you know, you and I spoke recently and I have literally just like yesterday, I typed out my safety plan and my triggers list and all the things I have yet to do that. But it's me now getting to a point and really just kind of finding the right time, if you will, because yesterday was just filled with like outbursts, and outbursts looks like I'm just being extra argumentative. He was clearly irritable and so there's just a ramp up. 

Yeah, and that was followed by him just kind of having like a really bad, just kind of manic episode or dysphoric moment last week where he's just like I'm done, I want to separate, I want to leave, I want to stop feeling, you know shitty because of the meds. I don't want to be on meds anymore. You are the one that's changing me. I feel like you don't have to change. Like you know, it's very just, like we know what it is. 

That being said, there has been a little bit of a comedown, but I'm still kind of like I'm watching, I'm super just like okay, well, I'm trying to find a time where I can talk to you because, kind of what I mentioned earlier, it is still difficult for me to kind of find a moment or a window where I'm like hey moment, or a window where I'm like, hey, that wasn't okay or you've crossed a boundary. But I know that those conversations in itself can be a trigger to him. So I'm just like where do I find my moment? Even if it's not to speak on the relationship, it's just to speak on hey, this is fucked up, or you fucked up. We need repair, need repair and we need treatment, and you're not following it. This is not okay with me. 

0:27:58 - Temple
Yeah, when do you find your moment? It takes, uh, you know the patients of St Francis to wait for your moment because they are slippery about it. Maybe you need them to get stoned and then you guys can really talk. 

0:28:14 - Guest Two
And I've thought about that, like even no, don't quote me. Oh my god. 

0:28:20 - Temple
I would never, no. 

0:28:22 - Guest Two
but there's different times where, like, if he's irritable and he needs to go out for a run and a smoke break, he'll come back totally just relieved. So it's like it's working. Is this good time? But then he just kind of gets obnoxious for me and it's not like really bad or it's just it just it just bugs me, it just annoys me, frankly, and so I'm just like you know what, it's not the right time. 

0:28:45 - Temple
I know, and it never works. I can testify I've had just amazing conversations with my bipolar loved ones when they were stoned and he was so receptive, so insightful, so agreeable, ready for an action plan. And then the kickback of paranoia that I'm trying to control his life and bitch slapped me back in the face. So no, getting them stoned doesn't work. It just gives you a reprieve. The only real conversations that work is when they actually stabilize and you have a moment. But I want to ask you, Crystal, how do you do with keeping yourself, you know, living a lifestyle of balance with drugs and alcohol? 

0:29:37 - Guest Two
Malia. Honestly, I don't feel like I can ever really have a moment where I can let myself go, and there was a time, or not even there was a time. I do join in. I myself smoke marijuana, but I have met those walls where I'm like you know what. I don't feel good. In fact, I feel more anxious and more paranoid and like this oh, this is not working for me. Okay, I need to stop. You know, I have the discipline, or I have the wherewithal to make that call, and with my partner it just becomes difficult because then I kind of feel a little bit of guilt really. I feel a lot of guilt actually because I'm like am I enabling this shit? But it's for me. So when do I? When do I find time for me? What about me? So I suggest when we all eat up and have a drink like this. This is great, I know. 

0:30:26 - Temple
What about me? What about my drink? Okay, here's the difference. Crystal, self-awareness right, you have the self-awareness that you were feeling a bit paranoid, it's making you feel not as good as you want to feel. 

And the definition of addiction is using something in spite of negative consequences. So if you're using something and you're having negative consequences and you're like, oh, I need to back off of that, then you're not addicted to that. I mean, not just I need to back off of that, but you do back off of that, then you're not addicted. That's the difference. People that are abusing they abuse to the point of negative consequences and then maybe they'll slow down to clear up the negative consequence like to get out of jail or to get out of rehab and then they go back to the use and then another negative consequence comes, like, you know, my partner is going to leave me, or I get kicked out of a bar or whatever, or I wrecked my car, and the negative consequence has to get cleared up through the legal system where we make up, and then they go back. So you know, that's the difference. So if you're in a place where you are using substances in a responsible lifestyle way, that you're not just going, moving through negative consequence and negative consequence is not just external, but internal. Do you feel depressed? You know what's going on in the inside when you're using. Do you feel worse? Do you drink and start crying? You know? Then you probably have to pay more attention to what's going on inside instead of self-medicating. 

And the difference between self-medicating and addiction is also short-term, long-term. You know and we talk about this with our bipolar loved ones that they're self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. But there is a difference. Like they might be self-medicating through a cycle, right, so it's acute, it's a manic episode, and they go to alcohol for relief. So, yeah, that can look like self-medicating, the difference being that they grab alcohol every time they cycle. Then you've got a bigger problem. Can you see? The difference between the conversations that would be had is the longevity of use, the timing of use. 

We can't always excuse it because of bipolar symptoms to say, oh, they're self-medicating because their mania is so bad or their meds aren't working All right, well, you might get a pass on that one or two times. But then, when you're only self-medicating instead of going to your doctor, instead of doing any of your own mindset work or emotional processing, then we have a different conversation. You might have a dual diagnosis. Addiction might be in there, but we need to talk about that as well. 

There was something else I wanted to say about counting drinks. Yeah, malia was saying like, oh, he said he had two drinks, but he actually had five. Okay, when we are counting their cocktails or how many joints they've smoked, that is a sign of our anxiety, because we're the ones waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's having to be hyper aware of your situation, not being able to enjoy your time. So I mean, we all know we have some level of anxiety going on anyway, whether it's diagnosed or clinical, or you're medicated for it. That's whatever. It's all fine. I take my meds on time every day. 

0:34:26 - Bridget
I wait for Alexa to tell me and I'm go. Yay, it's med time, so go ahead. Like always had an experience and then something happened, and it was always bad. You would always have anxiety around it, you know, even if you weren't an anxious person, I think, because you would just be like I don't want this bad thing to happen again yeah, it's like anxiety guarantees right right. 

I mean, it's like, even if you're not an anxious person, I don't know how you could be like, well, it'll probably be fine this time. All the other times bad, but this time it'll be fine yeah. 

0:35:02 - Temple
You know there's a lot of that going around too, right, Thinking that the next time it's going to be okay Because they told us it would. Because they told us it would. There is situational anxiety, like what Bridget's talking about, that you may not be clinically or inherently an anxious person, but there's a specific circumstance in your life that is continuing to inspire anxiety because the same thing keeps happening over and over and you're disanticipating that thing to happen. So that's more situational, which is good, because then you know what thing needs to change. The bad thing is, how do you change it right, Hi, Shaina? 

0:35:45 - Guest Three
Hi. Yeah, happy to say hi. I think it's a good topic. I was thinking a lot about how what I can realize now with my husband is it was dysphoric mania it up to your husband having just various I don't know like for mine it's it's just blaming me. It's been blaming me for things like everything's all your fault and like just this barrage of that, and especially bad when he drank. I can also relate to just being worried about when he's drinking a lot and just it's been a problem. I mean, you just didn't know what you were going to get when he was drinking. A lot of the times I was like, oh, let me just limit my drinking so that I can at least, you know, be the responsible one in case he's just out of control. 

0:36:38 - Temple
Yes, yes, and how's that working for you? 

0:36:45 - Guest Three
Oh well, I mean my husband's in rehab right now. So like, okay, I mean that's good. I think at least, like that he's realized and he's, I mean there's not been all that much communication since he's in rehab and everything. But you know, when we did have a communication, you know it's like I was upset at myself for things and I was blaming you for that. So I mean at least he's having more realization and whatnot. But yeah, I mean it's just, it's hard when you're the target of that dysphoric mania. It's like you know everything, all of this is your fault. It's your fault and then you can start to believe it and it was just really upsetting dealing with that. But yeah, I mean it's good to have more realization now around that. Clearly it's not healthy for my bipolar spouse to drink, and I mean marijuana, that's. 

0:37:34 - Temple
That was an issue too rehab right now so we can support you through that. That's a whole, you know, segment of loving somebody with bipolar is when they go to the hospital or they go to rehab. You know, this is what we call bipolar vacation. You take the best care of yourself during this time Sounds terrible, but really just having that energy break, without the engagement, it's the fastest time for you to heal, to do all the things that you need to do, to get yourself put back together, to face the next stage with it, which is his recovery outside of rehab. Which is his recovery outside of rehab. 

As all of us know, interacting with bipolar energy is a major drain. It's like an energy vacuum. It just kind of pulls your life source out of you and you don't realize it until the energy is broken and you have time apart and you pull the pieces back in and you start feeling your pieces coming back together and then you're like, oh, wait, a minute, I'm funny, I forgot I was funny and you're singing along to your songs again and you know just, you start to feel like your normal, natural self, which is probably a very upbeat, life loving type of person, which is probably a very upbeat, life-loving type of person and you didn't notice that that person had started to fade because you were in survival mode or you were masking your stress to make sure not to trigger them. So maybe you were still trying to be the cheerleader and the upbeat person to keep things light, but it was coming from a place of adrenaline rather than your actual authentic energy. I have a segue. Since many of you brought up dysphoric mania tonight, susie, I'm going to let everybody in on this because it's very useful. We went down the list of dysphoric manic symptoms and it was much longer than where you find anywhere else. It took the time to like keep pulling from these places and from the things that I've seen with all of you and all our spouses, and this list kept going on and on of dysphoric mania, and so I asked Susie, give me a yes or no on these things. So I'm just going to run through this and you can just put up a finger if any of these, if your spouse either currently or has had dysphoric mania. All right, here we go, ready, I'm going to do kind of a rapid fire. 

Increased episodes of crying for no reason, like fits of crying or long periods of sadness, exaggerated self-confidence in their mood, the grandiosity, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger, increased aggressive behavior, noticeable changes in sleep. Changes or unhealthy appetite, like eating, you know, more sugar, more carbs, more fast food, drive-thrus changes or may require less sleep or may not feel tired. Inability to make decisions or contradicting their decisions once they've made them. Impulsive, may demonstrate poor judgment. Easily distracted, may demonstrate greater self-importance Like it's my needs are better than yours. How are you doing so far? How many fingers do we have up? So what's? 

0:41:20 - Davina
funny is they just disabled my account from doing any more reactions. That's all you get, Even though that was an option. They were, like our systems have detected too high of a usage. Well, you don't know the question she's asking sir. 

0:41:35 - Temple
That is so rude. How dare you? 

0:41:38 - Davina
club house. Oh my God, my hand is up for the rest of these Cause, all but one so far. 

0:41:43 - Temple
All but one so far, okay. Engages in reckless behavior like drinking and driving, doing anything else on drugs or alcohol that they shouldn't be doing. Delusions or hallucinations like is that guy eyeballing me? That guy eyeballing me? Who's that person? Do you know that? You know your sister is always talking shit about me. You know that she does? Yep, she does so. 

Delusions, illogical thinking, lack of common sense. Susie came up with like 10 things while they were moving that she couldn't believe. Why would she just do this? Why did you take 20 steps instead of one? Not wanting to go to sleep? Like time for bed, babe, let's go to bed. Oh, I'll be there any minute. 

3 am. Obsessive focus on electronics, the computer, the phone or gaming. Doing things that have disastrous consequences wrecking cars, losing jobs, getting married, getting married to the girl from rehab yes, absolutely Saying things that are out of character, like the person you met. And then the person today. Complete opposites Like no, my loved one would never say that to me. 

Risky investments, aggressive speech to friends and loved ones. That one's probably number one, top of the list. Aggressive speech, degrading and abusive speech, denial of illness or symptoms, deflecting blame of illness to the loved one. Right, like it's not me, it's you Accusing the loved one of their own symptoms. I'm not bipolar, you're bipolar. 

Reckless sexual encounters, having sex with a girl in rehab, excessive use of porn, substance abuse, excessive gambling, feelings of worthlessness or guilt Malia, there, it is right. There, feelings of worthlessness or guilt comes out as irritability and accusations that you're making them feel less, less like a man. No energy or feeling lethargic, social isolation, lack of friendships, spiritual extremes, you know, becoming jesus and giving away their belongings. Or suzy said her partner wanted to tip them, the movers, $1,000 because he's such a generous soul. So, and then, of course, violent actions breaking things, punching walls or violent actions to your body, legal troubles, being irresponsible with firearms or ownership of firearms Okay, how did we do? I don't even have them numbered, but it looks like there's at least 30 items there. Let me ask you, how overwhelming did that feel to hear me read off those symptoms? Did that trigger all of you like? It does me Now think about all those symptoms being? 

0:44:44 - Bridget
in your house. 

0:44:45 - Temple
Go ahead, bridget Flashbacks. I know we need some love, right, that's painful, I know I get it. But we are continuing to be more self-aware of our triggers and their symptoms, and the more we are aware of those, the better we are at differentiating and separating those energies, right. Who is our loved one? Who is the symptom? What are the symptoms before the symptoms? But once you're all the way, the symptoms before the symptoms are the most important, because you want to deescalate early, of course. And starting to pick up a case of beer is a yellow flag like warning. Or I'm just going to pick up one joint, okay, it's a yellow flag. It's something to be concerned about. We need to have a little conversation. What's going on? Is there a reason? Oh, crystal setter Ludwin, call it a tolerance check or whatever. Like to see if. See if weed still gets them high, or how much does it take, or whatever tolerance break and I'm just like okay, tolerance break. 

I mean, I would think that would mean you stop using yeah, that's like for him's. 

0:46:07 - Guest Two
Like I'm noticing that, like it's taking a lot more for me to even feel a smidge of what I used to feel as far as me getting high, and so let me take a tolerance break, but like immediately, it's just like dysphoric mania the day after A tolerance break, if he stops smoking, but it doesn't last, all right. 

0:46:30 - Temple
As we wrap this up, I just want everybody else to realize that there's a lot of symptoms that come along with this, and if you find yourself medicating, you know talk to your doctor, your counselors and ask them if you should be concerned about how much use you have, or talk about the hypervigilance that you have, that you can't have a drink around your spouse at all. I want to say thank you to everybody for being transparent today and Davina for sharing your story. How long has it been since your sober lifestyle? 

0:47:07 - Davina
January of 21. 

0:47:08 - Temple
So a minute, january of 21. Yes, so that's beautiful to hear that. That's what this is about is for people to feel safe and to not feel alone. Thank You.