"Deadly Mom Retreat" (Series Finale)

A Lifetime original podcast. I should be on soap operas. I think maybe the one thing holding me back is I should get veneers. Please weigh in. Let me know if I should get veneers. because it's like i don't have fake boobs so like that's kind of out i got a big old fat midwestern booty so it's like unless unless i'm doing some sort of like villain with the donkey booty i don't know what

donkey booty. I love a Lifetime movie. I really married Kevin McAllister. Y'all, she is off the rails. A singles retreat. Sounds like one of the bleakest things on earth. It's an epi. It's an epi. It's lifetime. It's an epi. I gotta get out of this house and have 17 glasses of wine. Chekhov's peanuts. You know I love peanuts. I saw a broom with a wig on it.

What are you two doing here? Oh, I think you should have a hunch. If this is about Zack, you both better mind your own business. You didn't really think he was going to meet you here, did you? Like some little secret lover's rendezvous? Zach's not coming? I didn't think he'd actually be interested in someone as pathetic as you. What did you say to him? Your obsession with Zach and Jules, it's gotta stop.

All right, get a life, expand your horizons, or we're gonna have a problem. Is that a threat? You're damn right it is. Hello, and welcome to a brand new episode. That will also be our final episode of I Love a Lifetime Movie. I am Megan Gailey. Joined by my star. My queen. The beacon of light that shines on me and my whole family. You hear her. You love her. I saw her do a brilliant set of stand-up. Oh, boy. Naomi Ekmer again.

I had to take us out. Okay, so that's the song. I've been thinking of Vitamin C's graduation song. That is also good. That's the soundtrack for this being. The end for me. As we go on, we'll remember. I mean, that came out like my senior year. I was like, wow. You did this for me personally. I got my Naomi. I got my Colts cup and I got my Daisy cup.

And that's all I need. That's all we need. That's all we need to get through. You guys, as you all know, this is the final episode. As Megan said, thank you all so much for writing to us. I mean, the DMs were abuzz. All right, this past week, I do apologize for the phrase special announcement. That did lead some of you to believe we were starring in a Lifetime movie. Something good was happening. Yeah.

I said, no, no, that's not it. It should have been like crying emoji. You know, yeah, the headline did not match. It should have been buckle up. Thank you for the DMs. Thank you to the woman who messaged me and said she did send an email to Lifetime expressing her displeasure. She did. And I said, you know what? Thank you. Take it to the top. She said, dear, I learned yesterday Disney owns a stake in A&E, which owns Lifetime. Yes, it does.

Disney Unzany. And you know what? You see what these companies doing. I mean, we're also on double strike, right? So we know we're on double strike and singular let go. And it's just like, you know what these corporations said? We don't want nobody to have nothing. Nope. That's what these corporations said, Megan. Nope. And you know, my realtor brother, who I love dearly, has been a guest on this pod, goes, can't you guys just start working again?

And I got really mad at him and he had to apologize. Oh, good. Good. Put him in his place. I said, can't you just for one day? Not be a contrarian to someone you love and who has supported and loved your family. And he goes, you're right. I'm being a hater. And the world's filled with haters. But. Naomi and I got to do stand-up together on Saturday. Yes. Megan killed it. Hysterical. Oh, you were amazing. You were, I mean.

Well, I tried to make you go last because I was supposed to go last. And then I got there. I said, I'm not going last, even though I stayed till the end of the show. I just like to be meant. I want to clock out. Me too. Well, that's why I love to go second. I will go second and stay until closing time. But I would like to relax. I'll go first. I'll host.

I'll be a waitress. I'll do whatever you need me to do. I just don't want to go last. And so then I was like, Naomi needs to go last because she's.

The best. But, you know, because I don't do stand-up as much right now, you know, it's not like I have my go-to killer set. So it's like, I want to be loose. I'm trying to make myself try new stuff. Nestle me in the middle so you kind of don't remember. But here's the thing that happened, though. I love... going after you because i can do a lot of response right like i can be like megan gailey whitest person i know whitest person i trust and you know like this is what allyship looks like but

Because the host went between us and did like 10 minutes, I couldn't do that. Yeah, and he's a black man. Right, right. And I was like, I can't use Megan as like my launching pad the way I planned to when I saw we were. After each other, you know? There's nothing lonelier than stand-up comedy. It's a lonely, solitary art form, if we can even call it that. And yet, in our solitude...

We find each other. Honey, we found love in a hopeless place. Oh my gosh. That's it. That's it. And speaking of love in a hopeless place, and as we said, we got so many messages. Just wanted to shout out a few of the ones that, you know, touched our hearts and also said we could.

could read them on the podcast. Okay. I do want to, I do want to specify that. Okay. I don't want anyone feeling like they were unseen, but you know, I truly did love. We got a tweet at Megan Gailey and at Blacktress saying,

Megan Gailey and Blackstress's announcement that they aren't going to be doing I Love a Lifetime movie anymore is like hearing your parents say they're getting divorced. And unlike what happened when my parents got divorced, I am devastated. And that really meant something to me. You know, to feel like, you know, we are someone's mothers. Yeah. And we're not, you and I are staying together. It's like, it's more your parents are abandoning you. But our parents.

have abandoned us. You know, it's sort of a domino effect of abandonment. Generational trauma. Intergenerational trauma. Yeah, I mean, the cycle continues of poverty and of trauma. We got so many messages. So they were so fun and kind. It almost made me think, I think the podcast is successful.

Alas, not enough. Okay, I'm going to be reading this next one. Now, this one's a little longer, but it touches us. I just wanted to thank you and tell you how much I'm going to miss the pod. The laughs have kept me going through an ended engagement. Let's call the Lifetime movie Booze and Betrayal. I mean. I said, I see it. I see it. And helped me bond with my teen and preteen daughters, who had become a bit sullen, as we've seen in Lifetime movies, as they are going to do.

We loved listening to you Thursday mornings on our ride to school, watching the age-appropriate movies together, eating popcorn, and even watch some of your stand-up together. Probably yours, because I don't know if mine's age-appropriate.

You created something really special and I'm going to miss your dynamics so much. You've both got stands for life in the least creepy and stalkerish way possible. I hope the strike ends soon. And as writers, actors, you get the rights and compensation you deserve. All the luck and well wishes in your next chapters will be following and rooting for you.

I can't. We haven't even gotten into the movie and I'm already going to cry. I know. But this is so kind because this for me, you know, first of all, you know, this the person who wrote that her name is Megan spelled like yours. All right. the correct way, a true sister. And to me, what I loved about this message, obviously, you know, so kind, so well written, not surprised, right? But I was like, oh, she is fully a lifetime heroine.

Yeah. I mean, like ended engagement mom with two sassy teens. Like you can see them moving to a town for a fresh start. Right. You know, like that's booze and betrayal. And it's like booze and betrayal is number movie one. You know what I mean? And then movie two is like fresh start in a new town.

and she meets a hot restaurateur. It almost sounds like our podcast was their fresh start. Okay, now I'm going to cry. Megan? To find something you connect with your sullen teen daughters, I mean, that's... That's better than hitting the jackpot. Well, I'm going to take this moment now that I know some solid teens listening. You better be nice to your mama. Both of y'all, stop giving her a hard ass time.

Okay. Cause y'all be out here with this attitude and she doing her damn best. Okay. She doing her damn best for you. It's really hard. She carried you in her. She grew you. She birthed you. And the final shout out, you know, has to be to, I'm going to call this our anonymous benefactor, our silent donor. Lady Havisham? Was that her name?

think so the person who we still don't know who they are the creator of the I love a lifetime movie quotes Instagram page now when I say you came into our lives all right you showed us love when our own parents didn't show us love, all right? You made memes. You gave us cookies and cream.

A lot of people in DMs reference our R&B duo, Cookies and Cream, Megan. And so, you know, you're amazing. We love you. I really wish I knew who you were, but also you staying anonymous is like very dramatic, very lifetime. It really is. It's so lifetime. And it's like, are you committing crimes on the side? It was it was one of those things. It's like I didn't know I needed it until it was in my life. And then I was like, yes, I can't go on unless.

I love a lifetime movie quotes. Instagram is co-signing the things I'm doing. Exactly. When you get a clip, you're like, okay, that was a good one then. That has to have been a good one if they took the time out of their day. Because this is a person with a full job and a life. And I'm like, okay, that had to be a good clip. I'm going to say two.

I've been doing my own podcast, Couples Therapy, for five years. Not a single fan page can be found. We're inspiring nothing. All right? We're inspiring nothing. Take that. Andy. And they posted a story. You know, we love them because they're giving the breaking news to the listeners. They're out here to the follow.

They wrote, even though I knew this was coming, it's still a little bit of a heartbreaker. If Naomi and Megan just published their voice notes, I'm sure we would all listen to that podcast. Yes, and probably our subsequent cancellation. Thank you.

A big goal of making this account was to be supportive of them because it's so, so important to support projects and people you like and to generate excitement and interest around standout projects. Wow. I'm sure this was a lot of work for everyone involved in this podcast. Absolutely. Shout out to producer Aisha.

And I really appreciate the work they put into making this. I also started this account in the summer of 2021, which is when I was still isolating a lot due to the pandemic. And I can't describe how great it's been to connect with other fans of the show. Being on the internet at all. at that time was not fun. And the followers of this account have been nothing but absolutely wonderful with every interaction.

The followers here are a truly special group of people who have just always impressed me with their sense of humor, kindness and intelligence. And it's been really nice to be a part of this corner of the internet and to get to interact with everyone. Anyways, thank you so much for being here. And we thank you. So true that even the fan account is like, these are really good fans.

They're the boots on the ground. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boots on the ground. And it's so true. It's like, even when someone kindly comes to my DM to correct me, to fact check me, to correct me, everyone's lovely. You know what I mean? And like, that's like the... worst it is. It's like a fact check. And it's always from someone who's like, I am a district attorney. I am a lady doctor. And you're like, you're correct.

I know for movies that are filled with some of the most heinous people we've ever seen, the people that watch these are the loveliest. Truly. Truly. And it's good to know we're not alone, right? Because we started as people who were like, yes, we love these movies. They are insane. And then everybody else was like...

Me too. Even though a lot of people also said I've never seen a single one. Of course, of course. I think we're going to see an I Love a Lifetime movie fan in the White House. And maybe they'll just be there on a tour. But we're going straight to the top. The fans are not over. And I really can't thank you all enough for how kind you were when I was pregnant and then had Conrad.

Truly. I remember one gal, she was like, listen, I was off Instagram and I got on just to see if you had had Conrad. So much to me that you would break your social media. strike to see my birth yeah Absolutely. Now I'm just imagining, we'll see a lifetime listener in the White House. Now I'm just imagining like a pink fedora on a bust of Abraham Lincoln. You know, someone just like, very where's Waldo, spot the pink fedora in the White House or something. What if it's his top hat, his usual?

top hat, but it's just hot pink. Oh my gosh. Yeah. We need someone to have sex with a pool boy in the Lincoln bedroom. Okay. Okay. Someone get on it immediately. Please never stop DMing us when you see a pink fedora. All right. If that's my legacy on earth. I will be happy with that. Okay. So we've been mushy. We've been too mushy. You know what? We got another movie. We didn't just come here to say how much we love you. We got to give you one last movie for the road. And this movie.

It is called Deadly Mom Retreat. While going through a difficult divorce. Newly single mom Jules jumps at the chance for some R&R when her new besties invite her to a singles wilderness retreat. Sounds ominous. Terrible. But after experiencing several near-fatal... Accidents. She learns things aren't what they seem. Ugh, I'm obsessed when things aren't what they seem. Now, Jules must fight back if she ever hopes to start fresh.

Now, you guys, you got to know this final film is a Marvista joint. So we are going out strong in good hands. Let's get into it. Santander's Edge current account gives cash back to reward customers. Do they also reward treachery? This contains the names of people who have their salary paid into... Our rival's current account. Nicholas! They give me cash back on my big supermarket shop. you'll be hearing from our lawyers Okay, so we open on Jules Watson, owner of Watson Architects.

We got a lady architect. Not a husband. Not a Christmas movie. We've got a lady architect in a thriller. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was legal. I didn't know women could be architects. It is groundbreaking. She's getting ready for a mom's night out when she gets a very scary, ominous text. The text is, I'm always watching you, which coming from like a lover. And I guess I would like if CJ texts me that, I'd be like, why go to work? She hears a noise and she grabs a bedside.

baseball bat. We also have a bedside baseball bat. You do? Because I was like, I love her. I was like, okay, you know, this is the first lifetime woman who said bat at the ready. Yep. And I said, okay, Jules. But then... But wait, wait, wait. Why do y'all have a bedside baseball bat? Just because the world. Just because the world. At one point it was under the bed. Now, I mean. CJ's side of the bed is like loose socks, contact cases. True. I mean, just.

cans and cans of LaCroix, Diet Cherry Pepsi. I mean, so the baseball bat honestly may have just been like junk that seems like it's a weapon now. But yes, we have a baseball bat. I know people that have slept with a butcher knife underneath their bed. Yeah. It does seem kind of reassuring to be like.

I've got a weapon right here if I hear anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Now, it's funny because as you were describing the side of the bed, I was like, oh, I'm CJ. But then you lost me at the cans. So my side of the bed, I was like, I very much have loose sides. two pairs of flip-flops, sometimes three, a tangle of cords, because I'm now keeping my heating pad plugged in permanently so I can just put it on my back in the night. Water bottles, that's my thing.

It's like a water bottle I've started or literally maybe has half an inch of water left. And I just like have it. And you can't drink that because it's probably gone bad, you know, because it's like just the sun and your backwash. Megan, thank you. for understanding that sometimes you think the water can go back because Andy goes

why? And I'm like, I think it's maybe bad. It's bad. You have to, you have to pour it on plants. And even them, I'm like, sorry, I'm not giving you the best. We will lay in bed. It'll be like 11 PM. Like I've got a glass of water. We're like laying down, going to. I'll hear him pop a can open. And I'm like, what are you drinking? Like a night seltzer? Just a night seltzer. Yes. Or a Diet Cherry Pepsi. Pre-bedtime. Does he wake up nine times at a night to pee? No.

Caffeine has zero effect on him. He never goes pee. I really married Kevin McAllister. Like, it's like his parents forgot him. And he's like. running around the house like that. You're just like, okay, night, night, have your warm dietary Pepsi. Okay. So she's got her bat. She's walking through the house. My first thought though, when I see the bat too, the fact that she has a bat at the ready, I was like, okay, how?

deep as this stalker if she's got a bat at the ready, right? Because we've seen that scary text, and I was like, okay, if you're at the point in this situation where you have a bat right at hand, you must have been in this for a while. Some shit's going on. Yeah. Yes. My first impression of Jules is that she feels...

too uppity to be a lifetime protagonist when she's on the phone she's like I'm so glad that the renderings had a positive response amongst the group like I don't know there's just and maybe that's Maybe that's a lady architect. Maybe I'm just responding negatively to something that I've never seen before. No, no, no. I believe that Jules is having trouble with her lines. I get the sense of the breakneck pace of a lifetime shoot.

means that she's giving us stiff readings. And I think she is literally struggling to keep all the words in her head. She's probably got, what, 10 days to shoot the whole thing? You know, it's kind of like soap operas, where it's like, you gotta memorize all this. And I said, honey, unless there are cue cards?

I could never. And there are times where some of that is feeling stiff to me. I can memorize really fast. Like, it is one of my skills. Do I book anything? No. But it's made me be like, I should be on soap operas. I think maybe. The one thing holding me back is I should get veneers. Please weigh in. Let me know if I should get veneers.

Because it's like I don't have fake boobs. So like that's kind of out. I got a big old fat Midwestern booty. So it's like unless unless I'm doing some sort of like villain with the donkey booty. I don't know what. We're talking about donkey booty, y'all. She is off the rails. There was a whole subplot on a season of Real Housewives of Atlanta where two of the ladies, Phaedra and Kenya, were really seeing conflicting and... competitive workout booty videos. And one of them was donkey booty.

Okay, let's go back to Jules, who would never have a booty video. Now, the fact is she's walking through her house by herself, and who is in the house? Her ex-husband Tom let himself in the house. Now, this is not the first time we've had an ex-husband let himself in a house, and it's one of my biggest pet peeves. And it will be the last because the podcast is over, but it won't be the last in the Lifetime universe. No, it won't. These husbands love... Letting themselves in.

Ex-husband Tom, it's when he's a very thick beard. All right? It is thick. It is full. And he really wants to get back together. It's like a lot. I found his beard to be overwhelming. Oh, see, the way you were saying it and the way you wrote about it, I was like...

I think Naomi's hot for this beard. I mean, I enjoy a beard on a man. I think we don't get them a lot in Lifetime movies. You know, they're like few and far between, so they really stand out. We get them a lot at stand-up shows. A lot of beards. But... Tom, I don't know. You know what I was going to say? He's tall and thin and...

all beard. And his beard is such that I can't see the rest of his face. I'm like, what else is going on with you? Yes. And he's got sort of that like chic dad coat on. Also, it's important to note that this film, it's not a Christmas film, but it is set. Well, it's set in wintertime. It's giving us Canadian winter. But I see multiple trees with like Christmas trees with lights. Like they don't ever name check Christmas. We never like, but I think it's November or December. And he looks like.

like, one of the dads that's in, like, the December to Remember, like, Lexus commercial. Because he got his jacket and his beard, and he just sort of, like... he's not full waspy, but it's also like you seem like a rich guy. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know what he would be too? A watch commercial. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, with a hairy wrist. Yes, you know, and he's really kind of giving you that level of cool. He wants to get back together with Jules, and Jules is like, no, but then kind of maybe not, because they have a daughter named Rosalie, and...

We hear about the daughter before we even see her. And I'm always like, okay, we've checked a child, which one means our lead will never die because we value mothers so much. But then also the kid is like, oh, this is why she thinks maybe she should get back together.

You know what I mean? Because it's like, what about our family? What about our child? So it's like, he's using that to me. He's like, well, what about Rosalie? And I want to be a family and I want to be with you. And it's like, oh. Jules is really beautiful. And Jules has a big booty.

I say that with love. So this means you can be a Jules. I can be a Jules. And Jules does not have veneers. No, Jules has natural teeth. They're in Canada. So I think I got to go to Canada. Oh my God. Megan, you could be the lead of a Christmas movie in Canada. Well, I'm going to Canada next week. You are.

Do you ever sit down? No, I don't. Literally, you just came back from Vegas. Before that, she was in Indiana. Now you're telling me you're going to Canada next week. I'm going to Montreal next week. Oh, Montreal Comedy Festival, you guys. I'm going just for one night.

One night of Just for Laughs. Isn't Megan the busiest mom you know? I'm really tired. I feel like Conrad came out the womb and she said, babe, we got a spot. We got a spot tonight. I said, don't even cut the cord. Let me just drag them. Drag them around by it. Yeah, drag them to the club. Quite honestly, I could use it. It's a great opener. Yeah, and you know what? Little known fact. I'm pretty hungover right now.

Because my parents are in town. And I said, I got to get out of this house and have 17 glasses of wine. So. That's where we're at. Okay, so sorry we could not stay on Jules today. Listen, Jules basically says, Tom, get out of here. I have plans. And her plans are to go to the nearby bar to meet her gal pals, Karen and Marissa. And this is where the Canadian-ness of the motion picture really came together for me.

I saw them in this restaurant. You know, it's supposed to be some sort of mixer, but they're only like 12 people in the entire very large space. And I said, unless they're following COVID protocols, keeping six feet distance, it's just too empty. This is too empty. Yeah. Sort of the literary device of this. film is this singles group. We don't need it. It doesn't feel real. It's not necessary.

It just like it rings very hollow to me. It's funny because you do say that and we're going to unpack it. The feelings you have about it. I think it just could have been played. Less formally. Okay, yes. Meaning if she was starting out. So basically she's in this singles thing and her friends Karen and Marissa. Now immediately I recognize Marissa. Marissa is played by a working ass.

Actress, honey. She has the credits. I was like, I know her. She's been up in here in every procedural. Every single procedural. She books. She books. We're talking every CSI. Bones. NCIS. Elementary. She's doing them all. She's high status. She's giving you FBI, special agent, so-and-so. You know, she's the one who comes in from a field office. She's had an arc.

An important guest appearance. I went through IMDb and it's extensive little known film. I'd never heard of it called Kid Cannabis. Kid weed. So I then I was then I went down a dark hole of cannabis and they were 19. And it's like, well, that's not a kid. That's why I had to go. I go, I don't want to see 12 year old smoking weed. OK, sorry. Back to the film. But when I see Marissa, though, actress's name is Christina Cox.

But my thing is, it's like when you watch A Law and Order and there's a celebrity. Yeah. Whenever I see someone high profile, I go, she's got to be the bad guy. Because no one high profile says, I'm coming out in a Canadian winter to just be a friend who agrees.

You know what I mean? Right. She doesn't necessarily need it. Granted, we are striking. There could have been a world where she said, I got to make my minimum for health insurance. OK, maybe she says I got to do it. I got to make my health insurance. Right. But she's like, I want to be two on the call sheet. Maybe I'll be one. Once I kill. So I see that and I go, okay, so Marissa something. But then Karen.

Karen's job is to just be there and be horny the entire movie. Drunk horndog. Yeah. Just looking at guys. She literally comes into a scene for 10 seconds and then it's like, hello there. You know, just like finds a man and follows him off. And it's like, good for you. Here's where I start having issues with the film. I was promised moms. Karen, not a mom. Totally fine. She's like, I have dogs, you know, and then she's off to go have sex. But it's like a horny mom.

No, that's fine. So we've got Jules, who's like a mom. We've really not seen the kid. Marissa is a mom. Is a mom. But like... Doesn't seem to care. And then we're introduced to this guy in the singles group that Jules likes. His name is Zach. And his hair is like what they do to a one-year-old when they get their first haircut. It's so wetted down. It's so slick down. The part's so deep. What are they doing? It is buh.

It is wild. The only thing I could look at was how strange his hair looked. Well, the whole thing is, Jules is supposed to have a crush on him, but they honestly look more like siblings to me. And I just felt like, okay, Tom was coming in really masked with a thick beard. that almost looked like a face merkin. And then this guy with the one-year-old haircut. And I just said, Jules, I don't know what you're doing. Yeah. How slim are the pickings in the singles group? I actually think...

Zach feels the most representative of a real life man who would go to a singles group. It is like, I'm going to go meet some ladies. I'll wet my hair down. Okay, little Nikki. But it seems like Zach and Jules are getting along and chatting and flirting when this blonde woman comes over. All attitude. Her name is Georgia.

And she literally, they're in a conversation. Jules is like, yeah, I got the big project at work. You know, they've chosen her architecture firm. They see me vibing. And then Jules just comes over, drapes her arm over Zach. And it's like, oh my God, Zach, I've been looking for you. Come meet my friends.

And Zach gets up and goes. Megan, I'm done with him. I'm done with him. Absolutely. I was like, he's terrible. He's not worth it. Get him out of here. And Georgia is so classic. Woman with like... the most forgettable features in everything but blonde hair. And so men are like, I saw a broom with a wig on it. And then they just like, they're like, she's hot. And it's literally a dust buster with a blonde wig. And you're like, okay.

I think Zach may be the only man in the singles group. But we see a couple guys like in the background because, of course, Horny Karen's having sex. Yeah, Horny. Yeah, Karen's have. So it's like Karen's had sex with everyone. But Zach. I wish I could take the cameraman and go, forget Jules. Jules is nothing. Focus on Karen. Karen. Now that.

Because some of these relationships aren't going to fall apart. And I would like to see the lifetime treatment when that happens. My thing, though, is like, if Zach doesn't have the maturity, the backbone and decency to say, like, literally. Hey, Georgia, I'm in a conversation with Jules right now. I'll talk to you later. I'll be over in a second. Yeah, if you can't do that.

he is not somebody to date. I don't care if he is a fifth grade teacher. Like, it's like, literally, he's supposed to be like a nice, yeah, he's a fifth grade teacher. The whole thing is like, he's supposed to be so nice and he has a kid of his own. It's like, you're very like, what's happening? Gross. And so, exactly. So then, you know,

That's pretty much the night. Basically, Jules is like, okay. The ladies leave. They don't walk each other to their cars. And it's like a dark parking lot. I don't like that. Naomi, we don't do that. I drive you and drop you off at your house and watch you go in your house. I know.

And it's and you walk me to friends. Don't let friends walk to parking lots alone. Absolutely. OK, sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. No, you're right. I mean, we have to look, we have to leave the listeners with words to live by. OK.

Because we're trying to help them stay alive. And that's one of them. It's huge. Okay. And of course, she's walking like she's getting another scary text. The next day she's at her house. She gets a creepy email. So like whoever this is, is like still bothering her. And then the next day we see Jules and daughter Rosalie having dinner. They're eating.

You know, they do the classic takeout Chinese containers, but they're eating them with real chopsticks, but no one's actually picking up anything. And that wasn't Chinese food in it. It looked like mixed vegetables from a can. And I said, and it looks like these are two people who literally just met an hour earlier. And it was like, she's your mother. Go. But Rosalie tells her mom that dad has a girlfriend named Claire. Now, didn't we just see him say.

Jules, let's give this a try. I want to get with you. So I said, what? Well, that's men. Men got to get it in. But then listen to him be a total asshole when Jules calls him on this very fact. Listen to this. When you were here the other night talking about giving our family another chance, where was your girlfriend, Claire? Jules, look, it's nothing serious. This isn't the same Claire that you used to.

The Claire you were with before we met? She moved back to town. We happened to run into each other. It's just a casual thing. Can't be that casual if Rosalie has met her. What do you want me to say? I was lonely and she was there. Claire doesn't mean anything, Jules. You mean the world to me. Listen, I can't do this. I'm going away this weekend, so you need to keep Rosalie until Monday.

Assuming that doesn't interfere with you and Claire's schedule, that is. Okay. We'll talk when you get back. For real this time. Okay? Please, Jules. Don't we owe it to us to try? No. I think this is classic. We don't owe it to us to try. Not when you start dating someone else who's spending the night on the nights you have custody. You want a joint custody situation. You could be dating someone who never meets your daughter.

Like, I'm going to see you Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays. Which is perfect. Thank you. But he had her in front of his child. So I said, Tom, no. Tom, no. I think to make matters even worse, Claire is someone from his past. He dated Claire before Jules. And so this is one of those like, you know, we all have those people where it's like you say. Oh, is that? And it's like some of it's joking, but you're also like, I hate your ex. Exactly. And now he's back with his ex like that.

I did like that Rosalie asked to watch Drag Race. Did you hear that? Yes, yes, yes, after dinner. She's like, can we watch Drag Race after dinner? I'm like, okay, name check, RuPaul. So... Jules is like, I'm going on a single retreat. Tom is taking Rosalie for the weekend. And...

I will say this. This is, again, this is like our winter. We had a couple winter thrillers, but I'm loving this lodge setting. We've never really gotten into this lodge vibe. Everyone has individual cabins. This is my idea of a good time. They're all very cute. And Jules is like trying to be nice to Georgia, who is the bitchy woman. Like they park side by side as she waves at her. Georgia's also there. It's very, they're all in the singles group. They all go away together. But it's like, okay.

Jules, you found Zach, so just leave the singles group. But they haven't found each other because Zach over here talking to Georgia. Like, if she and Zach were actually dating, I would say that too. But considering it's like... He comes and talks to her, but then leaves whenever Georgia comes around. I'm like, well, you need to keep your options open and talk to somebody else at this mixer. Like you need to talk to other people. I think my truth is a singles retreat.

Sounds like one of the bleakest things on Earth. It just sounds tough. It's like you've gathered. lonely souls off of tinder and put them in a lodge together and you know what to me it sounds perfect not perfect and like in that because okay you guys the way this retreat seems to work is that you're at this beautiful lodge for the weekend and there's just like stuff you can do during the day like let's hype and then at night

there's a mixer. Which to me sounds kind of fun. Granted, if they're duds. No, you're right. It sounds great. That sounds great. The title of Singles Retreat is like... And maybe it's because I see in my future, maybe I'm going to have to go to work. You will never. Clyde is not leaving you. Okay? No. No, no, no. Clyde is here to stay. But if he buys one more pair of sneakers, I may have to leave Clyde. Aha.

So basically when Jules is like in her cabin, getting her stuff together, pulling a Megan Gailey and unpacking and putting her things in the drawers. Oh yeah. She's trying to have sex. She can't have her clothes wrinkled. And she's like freshening up. She's taking a shower.

We see a figure all in black. Classic Lifetime, baby. Marvista. We're going out with the classics. Figure all in black. Can't tell the gender. Nope. Just all in black. We're seeing hands. Gloved, disembodied hands. And they have...

come into her cabin while she's in the shower. They're sorting through her stuff. All right. They take, she has like an emergency medical bag and they pull out what looks like an EpiPen. It's so quick. I don't know, but it's an Epi. It's an Epi. It's lifetime. It's an Epi. I got EpiPens all over this house. an epi.

Even when it's Canadian. But then they knock over some stuff and Jules is like, what's happening? And remember, she's on edge, honey. She had a bat by her bed in her house. So she immediately comes out of the shower. The person's gone. But, you know, she sees her stuff on the floor. So it's like, OK, what's going on? So then she goes to the mixer. And there's some peanuts on the bar. And she pushes them away using a napkin.

So she is deathly allergic to peanuts. She tells Zach. Zach clocks this. Chekhov's peanuts. You know I love peanuts. You know I love an allergy. Back to poppy seeds. We're really calling back to a lot of the hits with this movie, you know? Yeah. I love that there are...

I love when people are sequestered in one location together. That makes for a great thriller energy. So her and Zach move to the couch to chat. No, this is like the couch in the open area. So everyone's like around. Yeah, like the lodge where all the mix are like it's a bar. It's like where everyone kind of... of gathers up to find a person to sleep with. And Georgia butts in again and is all over him and like does that thing where she rubs his chest, which is like a woman.

peeing on a man you know like it's like this is my name but it's like it's almost like they're talking she's talking like They are married. Could you please listen to this, keeping in mind that she has one arm around him and the other arm rubbing his chest. Listen to this. There you are. Hey, Georgia. Hey.

Jules and I were just talking about... Oh, Jules, is it? Very nice to meet you officially. Actually, we met already. Outside? Oh, right. Of course. I swear. This is only my second glass of wine. That's okay. I love that charm bracelet. Oh, thanks. So, Zach tells me that you're an architect. So fancy. Yeah, I recently started my own firm. Seems like a lot of pressure. Long hours. How do you even find time to date? So, what do you do? I teach vinyasa. It's hot yoga. That's...

So cool. How did you guys meet? Through the group or? Actually, our daughters are friends. They're besties, actually. Madison and Stella are inseparable. And then Zach told me about the singles group, not that we really needed it. So listen, tomorrow I'm thinking we go for a sunrise snowshoe and then we reward ourselves with a couple's massage. What do you say? I hear the spa here is killer.

I didn't realize you already had plans for tomorrow. Actually, nothing solid yet. Don't worry. I signed us up already. I know you hate to choose. I was like, are they married? Are they a full couple? Don't be at the retreat. Leave the retreat. Once you like duo up, you're kicked out. Yeah.

And say, we need two more singles in here. I cannot with Zach. I think it's insane that he cannot stand up to this woman. I think he's the grossest, like, fake nice guy ever. I said, you're evil. Get out. I don't want you anywhere near me. Yes, what I did like was that Jewel's compliment. implemented georgia's charm bracelet but it felt like an insult like to be like i love your charm bracelet like to say that to a grown woman is actually like

I think you're stupid. I know. It was like, it was Regina George. And I know Jules wasn't doing it, but it was like very funny to me. No, no. I think she was. Could you remember? She's like, so what do you do? And she's like, hot yoga. Like, and then she's like. cool like Jules is really doing the like bitchy bless her heart vibe you know yeah it was I thought it was fun because they were like you know the way two women are smiling at each other while also saying I hate you

So that was fun. And then Jules, of course, just like gets up and is like, get me. OK, if y'all, if you rub it up on his chest, I'm leaving. And she goes to Marissa and Karen who are sitting there. And Karen's like, got to go. And I'm like, no, stay. You're fine. And Marissa's basically like.

We got drink tickets. Don't go back to your room. Let's rally. And it's like a lot of them. A lot of drinks. It's like a wheel of tickets. Marissa's in charge of the retreat. Exactly. Yeah. So here's the thing about them. It's like what. Oof. They've all met basically in the last month through this singles event. So Marissa and Karen and Jules haven't known each other very long. But these are now her best friends because they're all single women trying to have sex with the same pool of men.

It's almost like it's like Temptation Island or Love Island. You know, like it's kind of has reality dating game show energy. Oh, yeah. It's giving MILF manner. Yes. So Marissa's in charge. Marissa had to plan. Her own singles retreat. And I'd like to revise my earlier statement. That is bleak. So then they're sitting by like an outdoor fire. Love that. I love an outdoor fire pit.

Zach comes over with a flask. And I was like, I don't understand why you have a flask like a teenager who couldn't get access to the bar. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, you're at a place. You cannot tell me that the weekend at this retreat does not include an open bar.

The singles retreat comes with an open bar. Yeah, we just saw how many drink tickets. I was like, okay. And then he, Jules is like, okay, so it seems like you and Georgia are engaged, basically. And he's like, no, not at all. We have dogs. And we went on a few dates in the past. At which point I said Zach might be the murderer. Because what he is doing should be illegal.

Okay. And I don't trust his judgment. I don't trust his values because her being all over you is totally different. If y'all have gone out and you not being able to. walk away from her? Right. Means something totally different. I'm like, oh, well, yeah. You're leading her on. You're leading her on. She thinks you guys have a thing. And then you're saying behind her back, no, I don't like her. And it's like, no.

She was just rubbing her chest. Yeah, and you've been out before. And you can't tell me y'all didn't kiss if not at least have sex once. So Jules is over this too. She stands up and we see that like... foggy camera effect they do to be like, she's been drugged. Yeah. Because yes, there were a lot of drink tickets, but we haven't like seen, she was drinking like a hot toddy. It's like.

You're not going to black out on a hot toddy. Oh, it wasn't even toddy, right? It was spiked cider. So it's really like hot apple juice with a little whiskey in it. You'll poop your pants before you black out on that. And then who? is there to catch her is Georgia. And she's like, go get Zach. And Georgia's like, okay. Well, no, she doesn't even say go get Zach. Basically, Zach walks away because his daughter calls. He's like, oh, I got to say goodnight to my kid.

And then Jules gets up, gets oriented. And then Georgia finds her. And then Jules is like, I'm going to go to my room. I'm going to go to my room. And instead she just falls to the ground in a full ass snowbank. She just falls. Remember y'all, this is dead of winter. So like. When someone passes out on the ground, I mean, we're probably going to die of frostbite before anything else. And then Zach and Marissa find her on the road. Terrifying.

Terrifying. They take her back to her little cabin. And then Zach and true lifetime man form. They almost kiss. Because he's like, wow, she just passed out in a snowbank. This is my moment. I know. What is that? What is it? Men, they want vulnerability. They want you to be damn near down. Down and out. They want you down and out. You don't kick a woman when she's down, but you do have sex with her. So it's the next morning. She's fine.

Her and Marissa are texting. Now, this movie does this thing that I cannot stand. Tell me. We see the text messages. We see, like, Marissa being like, want to get breakfast or whatever. And she has this with Zach. Tom and Marissa throughout the film texting. And there's no text before. Uh-huh. I know. So it's the top text. And we are to assume this woman, who is her best friend of one month, they've never texted before.

She's deleting every... This is a props issue. Yes. You're correct. The props, you got to look in there. You got to give us a chain. They probably have a PA go, text this number, want to get breakfast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the PA's like, I'm sorry, I'm doing 800 other... jobs I'm not being paid for and so it's just like coming in from a phone but I'm like no I need there to be like I need you to set like

They're being texted like, what are you wearing tonight? Okay, on my way. Like, I need to see that. You want like a funny gif? You want a history of gifs between two people? Yes. Okay, so they get to breakfast between her and Marissa. Jules asked to see Marissa. Now, they're best friends of one month and she's never seen Marissa's kids. I think that's really weird. And it takes Marissa a second to find pictures of the kids.

And I'm like, no, a mom. That's her screensaver. Exactly. Naomi, look at my screensaver. Who is it? Our King Conrad in a car seat looking angelic. And she's like, let me find good ones. And it's like, when you're a mom, you're like. Here, here's this one with a snot bubble coming out of his nose. And like, it just, I was like, something's up there. Something's up. I clocked it too. I was like, it's taking her too long. Like, it should not take her.

more than a second to find a kid pick. So the fact that she's like, yeah, hold on, let me find a good one. And I said, oh, she lied, she lied, she lied. And then she only shows one. And it's like Jules asked to see it. When someone asks me to see Conrad, they're seeing at least 12.

Oh, and then there's this one. Oh, my God. Watch a video like you're you're you make them look at so much because you're like, you showed an interest and I am really running with this. And Marissa seems like she couldn't. be bothered with it right she's like not a jerk it's well talk about not being bothered with it right basically every time zach is like shady or goes out of georgia Jules is basically like, okay, should I get back with my ex-husband Tom? Healthy, healthy. Thank you.

The reason why that doesn't work for me is because of this whole Tom has a girlfriend named Claire who's met the daughter. If he had just stayed single this whole time, I could see why that was real. But I was like, you know, Tom is trash. So basically Jules is kind of beating herself up about like.

She thinks she blacked out the night before. And Marissa is like, you're being whiny and annoying. She's like not being a good supportive friend. And this is over at breakfast. And she's like, you need to let go of Tom. Like, that's not a good situation. Yeah. And Jules gets very upset and storms out of breakfast. And I'm like, I hope she ate enough. I mean, look, Marissa said she was like, this is pathetic. And then she's like, you think I'm pathetic? Tom's all I've ever known.

Being on my own, chasing after some guy I barely know, that's all new territory for me. And yes, it's exciting, but what if it's only exciting for so long? You are really feeling sorry for yourself, aren't you? You gotta get it together. You have two days to yourself and you're wasting it whining about your ex-husband. It's pathetic. You think I'm pathetic? No, I...

That was a bad choice of words. That came out way too harsh. You know, I just need to get some air. Jules, I'm sorry. Jules. Jules. Ooh, to be called pathetic is like... It's hard. That's not a good word. Yeah. And then Marissa's like, I didn't mean it. And Jules is like, I'm getting out of here. Jules feels, I will say, she feels very young to me. Meaning like there's something a little.

naive and gentle about her. And Marissa feels more mature. Yes. She feels like a grown woman. Whereas like, I'm like, Jules, you have a 12 year old. But then she says to like later to Zach, where she's like, I haven't been single since I was 22. So I'm like, OK. Right. And it's like we we actually see that. Yeah. She went from college right into like a marriage. Yeah. And that now she's trying to relive her 20s at the singles retreat. And you know what?

you feel like you're 20 again? Getting your tires slashed. And that's what happens to Jules. Her tires are slashed in the middle of the wilderness. In the middle of the day. And it's like the only people at this lodge are other people at the singles retreat. I know, and it's not, oh, I'm sorry, not the middle of the day. At breakfast. So it's like, it's literally 930 in the morning. She leaves and she's like, I'm going to go take a drive. And it's like, nope, my tires are slashed.

Who did this at 10 a.m. and nobody's on anything? What Canadian is slashing tires? Oh, sorry about that. Okay, so Zach comes by her cabin and he drops the bomb. He's been divorced one month. No, they've been in the singles group for one month. Wet capers here, the chicken or the egg. Hello. And he's like, I can't stop thinking about you. And they are setting this up like this is a good romantic thing because there is like romantic.

music playing it and Naomi and I are like no absolutely not they kiss you guys they kiss finally you know after all this and I said I screamed no thank you There's nothing I want less. No. Didn't he say he went on a few dates with Georgia? Yes. When did you have time for that? Thank you. Thank you. That was like week one. In his monologue of him telling Jules why he likes her, he's like.

You're gorgeous. You're smart. You're funny. And I'm like, Jules is not funny. She's not funny. No, that's not Jules. Name a funny thing Jules has ever done by matching Christmas pajamas. This bitch ain't funny. Apparently, though, this is enough for them to go on a lover's hike together, okay? So you see them go on a hike in the snow. Zach is now in a winter hat that also I'm not on board with. And as they're walking...

You know, they're like kind of he's like has his arms around her at one point is like, you know, rubbing her shoulders. But then she's like getting texts from. Ex-husband Tom. But there's no text before. It's the first time her ex-husband has ever texted her. And she's getting texts from Marissa. Because Marissa's like, I'm sorry. And Tom is like, I miss you. And like sending pictures of him and the daughter. You know, Tom is really trying to lay it on thick like family. Family bond.

And then he even calls her because he's like, well, you haven't texted me back and I miss you. And she sends Zach back to the lodge. She's like, oh, I'll make my way back. She just loosed in the wilderness. And no. We will never be loosed in the wilderness alone. Thank you. I would have been like, you can be here.

I'll answer this phone call. Cause I think even the call at first comes from the daughter, maybe. So she's like, Oh, it's my daughter. I'll talk to you later. But maybe it's Tom. Either way. I'm like, Zach does not have to leave you behind. for you to answer the phone call. Oh, look at a rock. Yeah. It's like, go over there. So she's by herself. And then, you know,

Of course, Tom is like, I missed you. And he's like, well, what about your girlfriend, Claire? And then he's like, oh, Claire's out of town this weekend. OK, so when she comes back in town, do you like her again? But then I go, she's the figure in the woods who's watching Jewels. Yes. And so this is my theory.

Marissa is Claire. Zendaya is Michi. Claire is Marissa. Claire is Marissa. Marissa is Claire. I'm with you. I'm with you. They want us to think it's Georgia because as Jules goes to make her way back alone through the wilderness to the lodge, she finds a charm. And who's that Pandora bitch? Georgia. Hello. You know she got charms because we heard about the charms right after we heard about Chekhov's peanuts. And speaking of Chekhov's peanuts, Jules is back at the cabin and Marissa comes by.

with a cupcake as a peace offering. You know, and they both like apologize. Marissa's like, I shouldn't have said that. And then Jules's like, I'm sorry, I was sensitive. So you think, okay, the friendship's back. Yeah, they've known each other a month, so they don't know each other's boundaries. Exactly. Marissa's like, oh, sorry, I call my assistant pathetic all the time. She doesn't say that's in the film.

This is, I am projecting onto, Marissa's like, oh, I'm a bitch to people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I know you're weak and here's a cupcake. But then to me, as soon as Marissa comes by with a cupcake, I said, fill with peanut butter. Peanut butter. Yeah, of course. I got mine too and we can eat our cupcakes together later. And I said, Marissa, you put something in it. I just, I just felt it. I was like.

Chekhov's peanuts. We have a baked good. How easy it is to sprinkle. Okay. And then Marissa's like, okay, I gotta go. I gotta go do a mixer business. She says she has to go to the office. She's like in the administrative office behind check-in.

Behind the check-in guests. Yeah, she's having to make copies of probably some sort of like game they're playing. And it's like, Marissa, you need a party planner because you're not able to enjoy the singles retreat because you're doing stuff to play. I don't think the person planning the singles... retreat should also be a part of the singles retreat because she's having to split her attention. She's on the clock. She's not meeting anybody. She's on the clock. Meanwhile, Karen.

We haven't even seen her. Karen probably went in to use the copy machine, put her tits on it. She's handing those out. And then made a bunch of copies and put them over with her room or lodge number on it. i need more karen now at this point i'm also like There's not really any moms in this movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was imagining a pack of moms who like their kids go to school together or like their husbands are sending them away for Mother's Day. Something where.

It's like a group of moms who are all friends in a house together. This should be called deadly singles retreat. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. And that's just a note. Leave them with a note, Megan. Leave them with a note. Okay. But they go to the night. nightly mixer. Cause it's like what night two, I guess at this point. Yeah. Night one, she blacked out and fell in a, um, tire slash night morning, morning, two or morning tire slash loose in the woods. She's probably got a poison.

cupcake and she said well let me put a lip on and See if I can bang someone. Well, and then she finds Georgia is yelling at Zach. Like, they're outside and Georgia is going off. And it's like, you get the idea that he's trying to let her down gently, but she's freaking out. And then, of course, when Jules comes out, Georgia's like, it's all her fault. But then...

also says, guess what? He's not even fully divorced. So then Jules is like, um, what? Okay, I'm done. And so she walks away and immediately texts Tom. And it's like, yeah, we could talk later. So the thing, the problem is with Jules, she basically met one guy. And then if that one guy didn't work out, she was like, okay, Tom, I'll get back with you. She needs attention.

And I'm able to recognize this because this is how I am. Once I texted an ex like a nudie pic, you know, and he replied, how many people did you send this to? And he burned me. Oh, my God. He was right. I had sent it. I put my fishing pole in the pond and I said, who gone by?

When they say divorce, they mean separated. When they say separated, they mean happily married. It's like whenever someone is, they're like, I'm divorced. It's like you're separated. I mean, these are facts. So when you're out in your own singles retreat and a guy. says he's separated, say I need to see the papers and I need to scroll all the way to the end and make sure both parties have signed. Y'all, make sure both parties have signed. Okay? That's another tidbit.

That we're leaving you with. Back to Jules's room. And, you know, she's gone through this, like, difficult thing. So you know what she needs to take the edge off? A cupcake. Sure. And lo and behold, she's got one there. From her buddy Marissa. So she immediately opens that cupcake up, starts eating it, starts wheezing, starts coughing. Anaphylactic. Hello. What do we say? What do we say? She goes in her bag, reaches for her EpiPen.

It's not there. Death by cupcake. This is a new weapon for us. Death by cupcake. You guys, you guys, I said, oh no, she wheezy Jefferson. No epi. Stressed out. Let's take a break. Snowmobiling, relaxing in the spa and getting your foodie on. Who knew you could do all of this on a ski holiday? It's time to get next winter's trip in the diary.

Head to crystalski.co.uk. Choose from over 150 resorts and get flights, transfers and accommodations sorted in one easy package. Plus your trips covered by Abta and Atoll Protection, of course. Book today. and pay just £100 per person. T's and C's apply. Okay, okay. We are back. Jules has been poisoned. with a cupcake. And now she's having to, like, run to the lodge while she's going into anaphylactic shock. Now, in Sinister Minister...

When Trish was running after being slowly poisoned, I said, no, no one's making it all the way. This is a new level. This is the dead of night winter. Your throat is closing and you run into the lodge. I mean, because I'll tell you this to someone with asthma. I can go from a warm space to cold, like in winter, and it'll immediately start me wheezing. So imagine if I already could not breathe. I wouldn't make it. I'd make it two steps to the lodge, and it would be a wrap.

I could be well rested, in good shape, had a nutritious breakfast, and I cannot run. I can't ride a bike. I actually cannot ride a bike. And I don't, I can't ride a bike. What, you guys, to think? I'm finding this out in our last episode. This is why we do this pod, because I learned. I'm so surprised. You know, Andy can't ride a bike either. Yay!

So my wife and my husband, neither of them can ride bikes. And also what's wild is I didn't learn to ride a bike until relatively late for a kid, age 11. And it was like in Detroit. Yeah, because I was in New York and it was in Detroit. So I learned to ride later. But then after I was young.

I never really rode again. And I don't. But I'm surprised growing up in Indiana, you didn't get on a bike. So I learned and then I would fall off a lot. And then I would just walk next to my bike. Would you be pushing it as though you had been on it? Okay. I had training wheels until like third grade on my bike. Like it was like really embarrassing.

I'm still ashamed by it. Okay. So Weezy Hewitt, that was one of my grandma's friends, gets to the lodge. They see that she's going in to shock someone. luckily has a loose EpiPen. And I was like, here, use this one. And I'm like, are EpiPens like...

Dosed? Is it forced? Yeah, I thought it was like certain dosages. Yeah, or like, is there one for peanuts? Is there one for shellfish? Is there one for like, or is it just like one size bit salt? I think it might be a general, yeah, steroid that just in general gets the body to- open up but i thought it was like for instance the epi pen for a child right like you're gonna be dosed for like

100 pounds or less or 100 to 200 pounds of the amount of it you need, I would assume would be different. But yeah, and this one, I think it's Georgia. And she's like, oh, yeah, my daughter. Well, we don't find that out till later. But at the time, it's literally a disembodied hand.

handing over an EpiPen. And I was like, whose Epi is this? Like, you don't know who it is. And you're like, but obviously it works. She's like, I'm back. I'm back and worse than ever. Worse than ever. She goes, I gotta get out of here. There's a lot of... bad stuff happening to me. And Marissa, who's like, I'm in charge of this. You can't. Just listen. Nothing has gone right since I've been here. I know things are weird between you and Zach right now. I'm not talking about Zach.

I'm talking about almost freezing to death in a snowbank after just a couple of drinks. I'm talking about someone slashing my tire, trapping me here. And now this cupcake thing? Who even knows I'm allergic to peanuts? It's all too much to chalk up to just accidents. What are you saying? Someone is after me. Okay, you've had a couple of crazy accidents.

Absolutely, and you're spooked. It's completely understandable in the circumstances. What about the email creep? I thought the police said that that was some kid pulling a prank. Yeah, they also told me that if I ignored them, they would go away. But they've only gotten worse. And it's not just emails anymore. Well, what is it? If I tell you, you're gonna tell me I'm being paranoid.

But ever since I've been here, it feels like someone is watching me. Okay. I'm sorry, but you're not going anywhere. You're a mess, Jules. Now, Megan, if I came to you and said all this stuff had happened to me, Megan... Somebody slash Matthias. Megan, I've been getting psycho texts and phone calls. Megan, somebody dose him a cupcake and I don't even know what's going on. Would you insist I stay in a place?

Like that? I would drive you home. I would say, let's go bonk someone on the head, even if it's not the right person. I just need to bonk a head.

because of all this stuff. And let's get in the car and get the hell out of here. Thank you. So this is when I was like, okay, Marissa's it. Marissa's it. You know what I mean? Because I was like, this don't make no sense. She's telling Jules to stay the night and she's like, tomorrow we'll get you a breakfast and a massage. And I'm just like, what? And...

Jules does it. She stays. And I said, honey, you at the lodge, trust me, you go right to that front desk and say, call me a cab company. Yeah. Those places, they got like two old guys who drive a cab. And they get you from there to the train station, there to the bus station. Get out of there. Yeah, have a cab come. Karen can blow them real fast and it'll take you back to the city.

Once I had a friend and like we didn't have money, I was not a part of this. I heard about it later. There wasn't like cash for the cab or whatever. And my friend told the other girls, like, go inside. I'll take care of it. And she came back like 10 minutes later and they were like, what happened? She's like. Nothing. She was like, it's paid for. Wow. Wow. That's an essential worker. That's a frontline worker. Yeah.

Do you take cash or card? Okay. When Jewel sees Georgia jogging by the next morning, it clicks for her. We clocked it immediately, but not for Jewel. She's like, oh, that charm I found, that was Georgia's from her gaudy ass. And then she tells Marissa, she's like, this is all Georgia. And then Marissa, and this is again, she goes, we should go into her room and check and look around. I said, what?

I appreciate a ride or die, but I said, if that's your first thought, you done set up Georgia. That's what I thought. Absolutely. I was like, whose first thought is let's go into this person's space, especially not just... You organized the event. I know. But you know what? She's probably already been in there. She probably went under the guise of like goodie bags. Oh, totally goodie bag bags. And like went in and rooted and tooted because they go into George's room. And what do they find?

Jules's EpiPen but I'm like it probably has her name on it but okay and then they find Jules's necklace in George's drawer and it was Marissa she goes Marissa goes check the drawer So she's setting up jewels to go exactly where things are. At least that's what I'm seeing. And then just as they're in the bedroom looking around, Georgia is like comes in yelling at someone over the phone, which I said, that's exactly what Georgia does. That's what Georgia does. She's talking to, you know.

FedEx delivery like that. Yeah, she's talking to someone who's just trying to do their job. Yeah, she's like yelling, even though I think this is supposed to be like maybe her ex-husband or something. But I just feel like she could have been yelling at anybody. And I was like, yeah, that's what Georgia does. That's what Georgia does. I'm at a single...

treat and I need my Amazon dress. So Jules and Marissa go to tell Zach what they think is going on. And Zach throughout the film is like, we should go to the police. And it's always brushed off by either Jules or Marissa. Yeah. Marissa. has to leave this conversation very conveniently to take a call about retreat business. And this is this again, Marissa, even though we desperately think that you are the bad guy.

I need you to have all your energy on finding love, not finding a copy machine. Well, and I think she does have all her energy on finding love. That's the problem, okay? Because basically... You know, Zach is like, really, Georgia? And he lays it all out. And then basically the plan is for them to all confront Georgia and talk to her.

So Jules and Marissa go back to the main lodge. You know, that's where all the mixers are at night where you sign in and all that kind of stuff. And Jules's daughter, Rosalie, calls her and they're FaceTiming. And Rosalie is like...

I think dad talked to Claire earlier and broke up with her. And I'm just thinking to myself, Rosalie, you shouldn't even know this. She shouldn't even know it. This poor girl, we need to be having boundaries. We need to be shielding her from the adult conversations. And what's wild is that Jules doesn't think that at all. Jules is like, tell me more. And I get that like, of course, that's an unhealthy thing, but like a natural.

But I know because Jules is asking questions. She's like, do you have a picture of Claire? Do you know if Claire has a Facebook? Because basically she wants to now know it's like. Well, it's Claire, Georgia, right? She's trying to find out like all this stuff going on. Then there's one when Georgia comes into the lodge. And so.

Jules rushes over to the front desk and grabs a brochure basically to hide her face so Georgia doesn't see her because they're trying to have this, I guess, big confrontation in the woods. It was like... this is already too dramatic. I was like, if I was Georgia, I'd be like, I ain't meeting you in the middle of the woods. And so I was like, anyway, so she picks up a brochure and Megan, did you notice the moment she picked up the brochure?

There's a picture on the brochure of two little boys, and it is the exact same picture that Marissa showed Jules on her phone of her kids. Yep. And we knew she was Googling kids. Yeah. But it's like, why would you? Show her the kids that are on the brochure of the lodge you're at. Thank you. Thank you. Just find loose kids on the internet. Thank you. Find some loose kids on the internet or look.

If this is a plan you've had in place for a while, you should have Photoshopped something. You should have Photoshopped your face in between them two kids. Something to make it work. Because you're already playing a long game. If you're telling me you don't have basic Photoshop skills, then you honestly aren't a good murderer. I'll tell you that right now. I guess I don't understand why Marissa needs to pretend to be a mom to pull off what she's doing.

I think it's about connecting with Jules, being like, see, I'm like you. I'm in the same boat you're in. We're both moms who are single. Yes, but Karen's not a mom. I know, but Karen is also never around. You don't tell Karen anything. You don't tell Karen. personal business. Or you do because you know she's not going to remember it. So then Marissa and Jules.

go to confront Georgia in the woods and Georgia thinks she's meeting Zach. So basically they like lured her there saying like Zach would be there, which I was like, what is happening? This is already creepy. Marissa's laying into her and she's basically like, you hurt my friend. Don't you dare hurt my friend. You did all this stuff. And Marissa's going hard. So hard. She's so mean. Jules is like,

You can calm down. Like, this is too much. Yeah, it's also like Jules is an adult, and so the idea that she can't speak for herself is also weird. And it's like, why do you care, Marissa? She grabs her by the collar, you guys. Yes, and we know Marissa is the killer. But it's like, why is she doing that even under that assumption?

Like none of it makes sense. Exactly. And then George is like, yeah, I said some mean stuff, but I didn't like slash your tires or try to drug you. She's like, I was the one who gave you an EpiPen. And then we see the flashback. It's like, she's like her. She did it. And then. During this, like while Marissa's going off, Jules has the sense to like, she like pulls her phone up and she snaps a picture. Of the two of them. The two of them.

So I said, this is confusing. Marissa is in the foreground, but it's Georgia and Marissa. And she sends it to her daughter, Rosalie. And basically is like, is this Claire? And then Rosalie's like, why are you with Claire? And I just said one.

Don't involve Rosalie in this. I'm going to tell you that right now. Let Rosalie go to the mall with her friends. Thank you. I said leave it. Second, you took a picture with two ladies in it. So I still don't think this gives us the clarity you need. However, it's immediately clear that it's Marissa. When she bonks her over the head. Megan, we end with a bonk. You love a bonk on the head. Bonk over the head with a rock. And she falls like a rock. Jules is...

And then Jules wakes up. She's tied up in the wilderness. She's like perched against a tree, tied up. And now we get our final gorgeous. Bad lady monologue. Claire. You know, all I wanted was something for myself. Just one little thing. For me. in a life full of nothing. It was Tom. I mean, it should have been Tom until you showed up. We were trying to start a family.

And when we found out that I couldn't have children, he started looking for someone who could. Wait, those kids in the photo aren't even yours? I found them online. Look, I found your profile online so I could learn everything about you. Get close to you. I don't even know if I can fairly call myself single when Tom refuses to sign our divorce papers.

Well, maybe if he sees you moving on, he'll do the same. So you just joined that singles group to what? Get to me? Well, if I was ever gonna have a chance with Tom... I had to make sure that things were absolutely over between the two of you. What about the emails? Well, I have to admit, it was kind of fun watching you squirm. I even tried, tried to get you and Zach together, but you couldn't even do that right. Even with a couple of really good extra nudges from me.

And then I realized that the only way I was ever going to have any peace with Tom was to get rid of you. And of course, during the monologue, Jules is doing what every good lifetime heroine does. freeing her hands while the killer explains himself so she can run away. Now, here's my thing, though. What did you think, like, when it was like, we were going to have kids, me and Tom, and then when I couldn't have them, he left me for you.

Stop trying to get with Tom. Tom sucks. Why is anybody trying to make things work with Tom? He's the worst. The whole time she's giving this monologue and I'm like, this is over Tom. Gals. This is over Tom. This isn't like. Jules built a building wrong and it collapsed on your entire family or Jules testified Jules was a juror against your goddaughter like this is over Tom your boys and planning entire fake singles retreats for Tom and Marissa slash Claire.

is a gorgeous woman. Obviously very organized, capable, can hold many different personality traits. I think she's a catch despite all this. Yeah, absolutely. I was like, don't get with the man also who dropped you because you couldn't conceive. I was like, why do you want to get back with him? It's not the 1800s. If he can't pivot to, we will have a family in whatever way we're meant to have a family. Thank you. And if that means.

IVF, if that means adoption, if that means we take a beat and wind up not wanting to have a family. But I'm going to leave you for a younger woman and then crank out a Rosalie, who I basically use as a pawn in my own weird life choices. No. Thank you. Trash. Trash. Trash. And so, you know, as I said, Jules is freeing her hands. She stabs her with an EpiPen. Oh, is that what she puts in her leg? It must be. I think she had her own EpiPen from when...

They found it in George's room. But I don't know if you want to get her. You don't want to give her steroids. The last thing we need is Marissa hopped up on steroids. Stronger than ever. When she did that, I was like, well, what are the effects of taking an EpiPen when you don't need it? It's like a surge of adrenaline. Yeah, I think it like because it ends up being like a stab. So I think it's like paint. You know, it creates a distraction. But I mean, we've got Cupcake.

She's now using her own EpiPen to get away from someone. These are fun little turns. These are. And then cuts to running through the woods in the snow. Okay. We haven't seen a run through the woods in the snow. You know, basically Jules gets back to the lodge. Marissa's hot on her heels. Claire slash Marissa. Okay.

And there's no one in the lodge because there's a party at the barn. We haven't even seen a secondary location. We haven't even seen it. Party at the barn, you know? But Marissa Claire says, no one can hear you. All right? Jules runs upstairs, and she's, like, hiding. And then... Claire comes up. Claire Marissa comes up. And.

Basically, Claire slash Marisha hears a sound and it distracts her. And then Jules pushes her over the balcony. You guys, balcony push. Balcony push. And then Zach comes up out of nowhere, like almost too fast. But I was like, why are you? And he. He has just seen Jules push a woman over a balcony. I believe to her death, even though. Well, she says, is she dead? She literally goes, Zach, is she dead? Only one story. She pushes her over the balcony. Zach sees all this and is like.

Yeah. Hugs her. Hugs her. Hugs her. Zach is also trash. I was like, what? And then the police are taking statements. So that's when I thought, okay, well, maybe Marissa's alive. even though obviously you still need to take statements, but pardon me again, because it was only one story. I was like hoping, like, I don't like when someone dies. I want them to like go through the justice system. I don't like when someone dies, especially when it's over time.

well like it's like tom is the problem i'm i'm almost on marissa's side But see, no, Marissa did all this to get back with Tom, and that's the problem I have. I'm like, Marissa. But Tom drove her crazy. You know, it's like she's been gaslit by this crazy man. I don't want her to get with him. Her brain was broken by him and his beard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then as the police are taking statements, asking everybody what's going on, Jules is like joking with Zach about how this is such a bad trip. And then Jules tells Zach she's ready to be with him. Absolutely not. Is that what you are? Weren't you just ready to be with Tom again? I mean, didn't you also just kill a woman who was your ex-husband's current relationship, okay? Isn't Zach not-

Fully divorced? There's so many things wrong with the whole vibe. And yet, for some reason, we still cut to two months later. All right. And we see Tom and he's arriving at the house. And so there's a moment where I wait, where I go, what's happening? We see him knock on the door and I go, okay, he's not here. He's not in.

And he is at the house to pick up Rosalie because Zach and Jules are heading out for a camping weekend. All right? And she is in knee-high three-inch boots. Heeled boots. Where are you going camping? I was going to be up.

Where in the woods are you going? You can't be in the woods in those shoes. But then also too, what we also, Jules is like, so did you try that singles group I suggested? And he's like, your friend Karen was very friendly. And I go, I'm sorry, that singles group is still in business? to be disbanded. Marissa was running it. The woman in charge was Crazy Clea. But like, it wasn't real. Like, Marissa invented the singles retreat and the group to do all this and then someone said,

I will take that torch. This is still a really good group. It's still a really good group with only four men and several very unwell women. I think if a death happens at the singles retreat, you have to disband the group. You have to. It's over. It's not happening. And maybe that's me being old fashioned. I think it's you go. We got to. But they're in like Manitoba. You know, like maybe it just also doesn't seem like they need a group. It's like go to the just go to the bar.

These are the people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think they want to have events. But my point is, it's like, the fact that Zach and Jules are even going for a camping weekend, not only is she in the three-inch heeled boots, it's like, did you learn nothing from the last time you were in nature? Like, everything about it is insane.

And y'all, that is the end of the movie. Okay, her in her three-inch heel boots going off with Zach, who is trash, who's now only been divorced three whole months. It's the... We don't know if he's divorced at all. Yeah. Has there been a countersign? We don't know if there's a countersign. And you know they've introduced Rosalie and his daughter.

You know they're having play dates. They're inevitably going to break up. Jules and Zach are not in it for the long haul. And I'm devastated for Rosalie. Well, this brings us to our real hero and real villain. I keep trying to think of things to say so we don't have to be done. I know. I know. But you know what, Megan?

We'll always have voice notes and we'll always have the fact that there are no heroes in this movie. I'm going to say it right now. Okay. Zach is a villain. Tom is a villain. I guess if I had a hero, maybe it's Karen. Cause she basically stay out of everything and said, I ain't here for this. Maybe? Karen is using the group for its actual purpose. Yes, absolutely. But I said, I think Marissa's bad. Jules is dumb. Zach is bad. Tom is bad. They all wild.

You know who's my hero? Who? You. Megan. You're my hero too. You know. I don't want Megan to cry because she got other stuff to do today and her face is done. So I'm not going to be too emotional. I'm not going to be too sappy. But this has been a damn dream. We have had... Over 100 gorgeous episodes. Asking you to co-host was the smartest thing I ever did. And I got married this year. I know. Andy's standing like right behind you. You hear that? Andy, you hear that? You guys.

Thank you so, so much for listening to this podcast, going on this journey with us this whole time, sending us messages, like engaging and letting us know other people were listening to our rants on the other side of the microphone. you're really missing our voices you can hear us separately on our other podcasts as i mentioned couples therapy every tuesday me and andy who also can't ride a bike which makes him like megan

We answer listeners' relationship questions with the help of fun guests. We also have a Patreon. Just $5 a month, two bonus episodes, other fun things. I now am out of a job. Okay. So I will need you to join the page. Okay. There is just come in, come in if you can. Okay. I'm struck. I'm struck. Your girl no longer has any income.

So join us on Patreon.com slash Couples Therapy Pod. I'm not above it. I'm not above plugging my page, Megan, in this moment. It's a must join now. I have my sports podcast, Megan Fun of Sports. My co-host just donated a kidney. So if you. you love sports, you can hop on over there. And I do have a new podcast about

How terrible being a parent is. It's really three parents complaining about being parents. Funny comedians, all three of them, though. They're all, it's not just parents. It is Kurt Braunohler, Megan Gilley, Chris Garcia. It's called I Love My Kid. But we just had the iconic, legendary Julie Bowen on this past. Modern family's very own. It's my favorite episode so far. She drags her kids up and down. I believe the episode.

is entitled, and it's a quote from her, my kids smell like shit. So it is a really fun one. Naomi, you're just so amazing. So funny. I have loved doing this with you. I don't think this is the end for us. And I'm not even saying that we don't have anything planned, but I don't think it's the end for us. I think we will reunite. Yes.

Not only with each other, but with all of these incredible fans as well. Absolutely. Absolutely. You guys don't leave us. Keep tabs. Megan still has 10,000 more followers than me, which does give actor Thomas Gibson a reason to message me instead. Really doesn't make sense. I think of you as much more successful than me. Look, I think we're equally doing our best.

Speaking of doing their best, our producer Aisha, thank you so much for bringing us home, taking us across the finish line. You came in mid-pod. You got us going. We created magical, magical episodes together. So thank you very much, Aisha Jordan. Thank you to Jesse, our big boss, and also to former producer Julie. Julie McGruder. Thank you so much. We've had great gals.

all gals hands on deck thank you all for everything you've done thank you lifetime for creating the content that keeps it coming yep all right you guys we will see you when we see you au revoir and don't get murdered I love a lifetime movie. This podcast would not be possible if it was just Naomi and me, for sure.

I Love a Lifetime movie is produced by Aisha Jordan. With sound editing and mixing by the Podglomerate. Executive produced by Jesse Katz. With original music by Blake Maples. And hosted by Naomi and Megan. You should know that by now. gotten to this point you should know that we're the host okay i it feels like we don't even need to say it but we'll put ourselves in the credits

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