Breaking free from drugs, detoxes and diving: Matthew Mitcham Pt.2

and honest, just like the people I talk to. Some of the content and language might be confronting. That's because no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged. Join me now as I take you into this world. Welcome back to part two of my chat with Olympic champion Matt Mitcham. Now you would think that someone who has a drive and skills to be an Olympic champion at the age of twenty, life would be pretty easy.

But as is often the case with our guests that we get on my catch killers, sometimes it's not the good things that define a person, but it's other things in their life. And if you listen to Part one. Matt talked about his upbringing, his childhood and how he got to the point where he was selected in the Australian Olympic team to compete at the two thousand and eight Beijing Olympics, and we left it as Matt was just about to take us into the Olympic village. Matt, welcome back.

you know, potentially psych yourself out. And the Olympic village is this crazy, bizarre utopia where everything is i mean, everything is lush and green and perfect, and everybody is like tall and beautiful and just like stupidly perfect. And it's so bizarre because it's then surrounded by these three meter tall braza wire fences, and they usually build these huge villages out in like you know quite you know, low socioeconomic areas because that's where it's cheapest to buy

the land. And so it's like you go from like this green, perfect, lush utopia to these razor wire fences and then just just like like poverty on the other side of it. It's just it's so bizarre. But you know, when you know, don't think about that stuff and just kind of have a look at, you know, your immediate surroundings, it's yeah, it's uh, I guess it's like a kind of a dope feast for the brain. Like is everything's just you know, like overload, right, and.

to try is going to have the adverse effect. And so any of these thoughts, like, you know, I definitely did have. I knew I would do pretty well because I you know, I had won the last international, I'd won several of medals throughout the year and then but they've been getting better and better, and I won gold in the last international competition before the Olympics, So I knew I was doing well and I knew that I had a potential to win a medal, and you know,

so I did, and I did two events. I did three. Mind of spring board, I mean that was never my main event. I came I think sixteenth or something, but then and I think that was kind of a nice warm up for platform, which was the main event, and that was at the very end, and I came second in the preliminary round where they cut the fifty eight divers down to eighteen. Yeah, so it went China, me, China,

and then everybody else. And then in the semi final, I came second again after the other Chinese divers, so they swapped positions, and so you know, I knew, well, I guess the pessimist of me. Yeah, well, the pessimist in me was kind of like, okay, well, both Chinese divers have beaten me here, so you know, I've got a really good chance of winning a bronze medal here. But again, those sorts of thoughts are quite counterproductive, and so you just had to kind of let those go

every time the thought like that would happen. Yeah, and then as we got to the final, I don't keep track of of what anybody else is doing, and I don't keep track of like all I do is have a look at what scores I get and what total

score I get. I don't even keep track of kind of what my progressive like what my cumulative score is through the competition, because from there I can deduce like how close to you know, my you know, how close to my PB I'm getting you know that sort of thing, and and and maybe make some inferences on you know, what other people would usually score in total. So you know, these are all ways that my brain can try and trick me to start thinking in counterproductive ways. So you know, so, yeah,

I was That's what I was doing. I was just keeping track of, you know, the scores that I was getting from the judges, just to you know, to see if that aligned with how it felt. And in the and I felt like I was. I was diving well, and you know, I saved my highest degree of difficulty dive for the for the end, you know, to have a really big finisher. So that was the hardest dive

in the Olympics. And and I'd done it really well in the semi final and scored over one hundred points, which is like like it's unhurt, Like it's extremely rare to score over one hundred points on on any dive. And so in the in the stairwell just before my last dive that you know, there was a Chinese diver before me, and when he did his dive, I heard the whole crowd go ooh. And I didn't know as in good or as in bad. I didn't know, and

I didn't want to know. So I blocked my ears and went lah la la la lah as they were as the judges were reading out the scores, because I didn't want that to impact, you know, how I was about to do my dive, and I definitely had the thought in the stairwell that you know, if my name comes up on top of the leaderboard after my dive, that means that I've got an Olympic silver medal, because I just assumed that the Chinese diver after me was was going to win, right, you know, But if I

did get a one after my score, because you dive in reverse order, so because I came second in the semi final, I was diving second last, So if I got if I came first after my dive, that means I've got an Olympic silver Maryland. But I had to let that go. And you know, so I've seen like footage I've seen of it. You know, as focused as I thought I was, I was still kind of, you know, acutely aware that there were there were cameras, there were there were people watching. You know, I'm walking to the

end doing my hair. You're want to look your best exactly. But you know, but I don't remember anything from from you know, when I once I reached the end of the platform, it was like, you know, one of those textbook zone like flow state moments that.

at the time. And yeah, so I and I knew it was a good scorer because I'd done it quite well in well.

is customary to do in China. And then the scores came up ten ten nine and a half, ten ten nine and a half, nine and a half, and there was a there was a one next to it. That's all I saw, was just the one next to my name, and I lost it, thinking that like I had an Olympic silver medal. And and you know, then we I went to the side of the pool, like people were congratulating me already just for you know, doing the good dive.

We all stopped to watch the last diver of the competition, the Chinese diver, who was actually doing the same dive as me, and he bombed it like a huge splash, like just completely surprised everybody, and you know, it didn't even meddle, and so I stayed up on top, and you know, the whole diving community just engulfed me, which was a really beautiful moment, like everyone just standing there waiting patiently for their turn to congratulate me. It was

really really lovely moment. And I had no idea at the time, Like all I know, all I knew was that, you know, I got the gold medal. I had no idea that it was an Olympic record of the highest scoring dive in Olympic history. I had no idea that I'd set the Olympic record already for the highest scoring dive in Olympic history in the semi final. So I broke my own Olympic record. I had the two highest scoring dives in Olympic history for quite a number of years.

You know, I was so poor when I came back for that fifteen months, like because I I had no funding, because I hadn't achieved anything yet, and so you know, I was working in this office for five hours a day, five days a week, like I was. In order to fit everything into the day, I was always running. I was running to the train station. I was running from the train station to the pool. I was running from

the pool back to the train station. I was running from the train station to the work office and then back up to like you know, always running, always falling

asleep on trains. All I could really afford was basically, like you know, a can of tuna and two minute noodles for lunch every day, and maybe a tin of sweet corn if it was a particularly good week for me financially, and then the rest was just like you know, basically baked beans on toast for dinner, and like that's literally what I was subsisting on because I was just I'm.

the athletes as well. I just didn't participate it.

my mother was Yeah, she was there as well. And then yeah, I went through and then it was just like media and interviews for a couple of hours after that, media in the media zone in the pool, and then they took me to non rights holders media outside the pool, and I think I got back to the village about must have been like two or three, and then had to be up again at five to start then doing the morning breakfast TV breakfast programs back in Australia. So yeah, it was crazy chaos chaos.

thing that had value because that's what people were interested in. So, you know, the yeah, the validation that came with winning

Olympic gold medal didn't last for very long. And then for some reason, at some stage after getting back from Beijing, I had to look at the world rankings and discovered that I was actually number two in the world because it's based off total total points and one of the Chinese divers had one more events earlier in the year than I had and so had to crud more total points. And so here I am. You know, I'm still not the best in the world. And you know, I think

it had two effects. One of them was I used that as an impetus to set a new goal to become, you know, to get that number one world ranking, and I did. I got it. In twenty ten, I was ranked number one in the world, but it also, I guess had this huge knock to it just started a

spiral for me. I think, you know, like still not being the best in the world, like you know, I guess all I can call it is like I had a relapse in my depression which had been in remission for a couple of years since I moved to Sydney and had this wonderful inclusive training environment and was happy diving. You know, I had some relief from that depression which I had had since I was fourteen, but it came back with a vengeance after beaching.

They've won their Grand Final, they've won the World Cup or done something, and then their life saw the spirals out of the control. I can understand it because I can understand being focused and driven and then you've achieved it and then ah, the world hasn't changed for me. It's I'm still the same person.

really good competition, then there's even more excitement. So it's like, you know, you're just being flooded with dopamine and serotonin and are adrenaline like all the time, constantly for you know, for two weeks, and so of course you're going to be depleted when you like not even just not even just like you know, this the void of like you know, having this amazing experience that you've been working towards for a very long time and then you know it being

over but even just chemically in your body, you're going to be so depleted and so you know it, I feel like it's a really appropriate analogy that and it's it's almost a ubiquitous kind of a universal experience of Olympians or you know, not even just Olympians, but like you know, like you said, maybe after a premiership or like a Grand final or whatever, that an athlete would feel that that that flat afterwards. And you know, and

I think I did feel it. I mean I don't remember it being that horrific, but at the same time, I have seen it happen so many times with so many other athletes, like particularly, I need to expect it more when I did eventually retire from sport, because you know,

you don't have that that purpose anymore. You don't have, you know, something that you don't have the structure anymore of something that you filled, you know, five hours a day with every day you know that you've got you've got five hours a day to an extra five hours a day to fill with something that's not just you sitting there with your thoughts going what like what am I?

Who am I now? Like? What is my purpose? Like you know, if I don't have this thing that my identity has been so wrapped up with if I'm not doing that thing anymore, and that thing that that brought me so much validation and you know, and gave me some esteem in the world, like who am I'm? What am I doing? Like? Just being left alone with your thoughts for an extra five hours a day which you didn't aren't used to, can be a pretty dangerous place.

And so no surprise, there's no surprise that, like you see so many athletes, I either turned to I guess probably alcohol to number feelings or to drugs to get potentially replicate replicate the feelings.

Did the life change for you in that regards? In that I don't know Australian Institute, the sport or sponsorship or what happened there.

was supporting himself. And I was doing public speaking every now and then, which brought in a little bit extra But I certainly wasn't raking in endorsement dollars, which is a shame, but you know, but I mean, there's nothing I could do with that. But you know, I'm just grateful that, you know, I could support myself and just focus on the sport for a few years.

through the London Olympics. Why you felt the pressure and why even though you didn't achieve what you want to do, achieve at the London Olympics, that validated what you did at the Beijing Olympics.

It just kind of makes you feel more bad.

of it. And I wasn't doing it to enhance my performance obviously, so and you know, there was drug testing at competitions, and so I would have to detox before every competition, and that detox before every competition was so horrible, Like it was just it was so horrific that I would promise myself with every single cell in my body that I wasn't going to use drugs again when I got back from that competition, and every single time, I

couldn't keep that promise to myself. And you know, not being able to keep a promise to yourself that you have made like with absolute conviction and then to fail at that, it kind of tears yourself as to him in half, like again and again again, and you just feel just completely powerless and helpless. And you know, it took me six months of me trying to control it by myself for me to just I had no pride

left to swallow. So that's when I finally reached out for help, which was just such an absolute last resort because you know, I couldn't I couldn't let anybody find out about what I was doing, but I just had to. I just had to take the risk and take myself off to rehab. And so you know, it's you know, that's when the journey of like you know, mental health

and and all that started for me. And you know, I was also dealing with injuries, and you know, I had some stress fractures in my spine and then I had some abdominal tears which I kept on retearing because there was so much pressure to get ready for the next qualifying competition that I would you know, I would tear it again and again and again. And you know, so I was going into London like woefully underprepared, but I was still the best qualified in Australia to represent

the country. And you know, so this expectation for me to defend my Olympic title was kind of really counterproductive for me because you know, when it's framed that way, to defend your Olympic title, anything other than a winners a failure. Like even if I had won a silver medal, I wouldn't have defended my Olympic title. So even a silver medal would have been a failure, which is you know,

it was a high bar that was. It was yeah, and and quite unhelpful, and so you know, I just had to kind of reframe that and go, you know what, like, I know, I'm not going to defend my Olympic title, but I am still the best person to represent the country at this period of time, and so I just kind of had to go based on that and go knowing that I was, that I was trying my best, and that I wasn't necessarily going to do my best,

and and I didn't. I didn't do my best. I came, you know, I missed out on making the final by one place, and I was so disappointed, but you know, again had to kind of turn that around and go, no, I didn't do my best, but I did try my best. So they like, could I have done any more in the lead up to London, No, I probably should have done much less to have prevented lots of re injuries, but you know, I definitely try my best, and so

I have to be happy with that. And you know, so I came back to the pool to watch the finals that I should have been in that I've always been in before, Like it was such a weird position to be watching the finals for the first time, and it was such an unusual experience, and I was so proud of the boys who were diving in the final, and I've never experienced that before and that pride. I was able to kind of turn around and feel it

for myself because I'm usually in that position. And that was then like after it once I did that and recognized, you know that I had pride for myself for what I do and my achievements. That was then I realized the first time I actually appreciated that gold medal that I'd won in Beijing. That was the first time I didn't feel like that when in Beijing was a fluke

and so you know, yeah, I didn't. I came away from London not with a medal, but with something that was so much more valuable because it meant that I, for the first time, was actually able to appreciate the gold medal that I did have.

very effective and helping with pain. But yeah, so I had tendons cells harvested from my wrist in order for them to be grown up in a in a peach tradition, then reinjected into a separate tend and tear and yeah,

that that was That was quite an experience. But because I was already in recovery, then you know, that was a choice that I made and I got through it, and you know, so that's that's where I am in terms of my you know, drug and alcohol journey is being you know nearly yeah, nearly nine years clean and sober. And then you know that like I will kind of

admit that, you know, I've been a lot more. I was a lot more proactive, you know, kind of earlier on in my recovery about my mental health and you know, and it really showed, like my mental health was was much better. You know, when I do when I am struggling, I know, it's always because I'm not putting in any action, like I'm not putting any any maintenance. I'm not, uh, you know, I'm not kind of reflecting on a daily basis about you know, about the goods and bads of

the day. And you know, reflection is just so important in order to you know, to to keep on growing and to prevent you know, slippery habits from from creeping back in or you know, or to you know, just just to give yourself a was a health check too, to see you know, where some unhealthy thoughts and feelings and patterns are starting to you know, to to root themselves.

So you know, I certainly have struggles like extremely I've got quite severe ADHD and so I you know, I've been even though I've been medicated for that for nearly fifteen years, you know, it's I struggle with the symptoms of that. I've been struggling with the symptoms of that more in the past eighteen months than I have through

my entire life. And you know, there's other stuff that I kind of you know that creep in or you know, I might be trying to replace my addiction with like maybe other behaviors like you know, acting out sexually or or you know, that's probably the where the biggest that's that's probably where I would struggle with most. And so it's a it's a constant process.

And it works in a couple of ways, you know, I think first of all, it it kind of it changes your frame of mind and the way that you interact with the world in that when you start off looking for things that you're grateful for, you kind of stop looking for, you know, evidence that the world is

conspiring against you, and so you know. And the other thing is like I've I've because of my history of mental ill health, I have a fear of falling into depression again, you know, because it just feels like this big, scary, like black emptiness, and you know, and by doing this gratitude list, I don't have to fear, you know, this the black emptiness, because it's not going to be empty.

Like if I do sort of fall into into depression, if I've thought of three things that I'm grateful for just that morning, I'll have those three things in my you know, in my big black hole with me, so I won't feel so empty. And then you just don't you don't have the fear of it anymore because and it doesn't feel so so bad and so scary, so and then you know, of course it's it. What I used to do with the gratitude lists as well, which I haven't haven't done for quite a long time, is

I used to. Yeah, it's it's not for everyone, but it was perfect for me at the time. Was to make a little artwork out of each gratitude list, so literally just three things, but like do it in calligraphy or you know, or or maybe you know, take a photo of it and put some effects on it or whatever. But just that creative process was you know, it was quite meditative and quite mindful as well, and so you know,

it just it worked on so many different levels. But I think the thing that was, you know, just at the topmost level, it just, you know, you foster an attitude of gratitude, You stop looking for evidence that the worlds worrying against you.

form of meditation. And when I first started doing that, people thinking, oh, this is a bit weird, what's this cop doing turning up here. I didn't know why I was so driven to do it. I was doing hard training, but I was doing this soft training as well. I don't do it every day now. But it's there in like a toolbox that if I'm feel myself spiraling out of control, I can just okay, I need to check myself. I understand that I'm not looking at things properly, and

that's that works for me. It might work for you different things. You just got to find that way to deal with things. I always know when I'm in a bad situation when I walk out in the street or through the city and every single person I pass annoys me, like someone doesn't step out of the way. This that I'm thinking, oh, that those ten people in a row can't be wrong. Maybe it's the way I'm looking at

the world at the moment. So yeah, just having those things in your back pocket that you can acknowledge it and deal with it. I think it's good. And seeing someone like you talk about it, someone that we look at you. You're a gold medalist. What have you got to complain about? You can strive, you can achieve, and to be so open, I think that's where it's powerful.

The message that you're delivering. Let's talk about life posts the athlete, and I think you said at some point in time, you've got a job and you thought, actually this is I thought it. We'd be boring. But it's quite good getting a salary coming in and just going to work each day and quite fulfilling. Talk us through that transitional period where you've gone from being this elite athlete to ah, I'm just working like everyone else.

And you know, that show did really really well. There was a follow on show and you know and speaking engagements. And then I moved to the UK and I tried to do sort of similar stuff. But my name didn't have any didn't carry the world. There's no currency, no no capital, not recognizable in any way, and therefore didn't

open any opportunities. And so you know, that's when I realized that I, yeah, I couldn't I couldn't just rely on my name anymore to provide me opportunities, and so you know, I had to be like a normal person again.

And and actually it was you know, while initially it was a very humbling, very difficult pill to swallow, because you know, all I've ever wanted since I was a child was to be special, because you know, I'm just so you know, even today, even though I recognize it, I do have a tendency to kind of, you know, start creeping towards you know, leaning more into external esteem every now and then. But yeah, it was, it was a humbling pill, and but actually I found it. I

found it to be really lovely. You know, the because I go ever since I've been a child, I've had a lot of anxiety. And one of the areas that anxiety pops up in is financial anxiety. I think it's because I've never grown up in a house that has been owned.

that anyway. But there was definitely, you know, and I lived as a five year old. When I was five, we lived without any electricity for six months. It's tough just because because you know, Mum, you know, kind of rightly in a way, refused to pay an extra fee to the power company, because the reason why we had to pay the extra fee in the first place was

because she was so far behind on bills. But you know, so I think the not growing up in a house that we ever owned and moving around a fair bit, I think it had this impact of me feeling this need for safety and security and and this financial anxiety and and so it's really long way to go about saying that, you know, all of the income that I had up until that point, you know, with the cabaret show or you know, speaking engagements and stuff, they're all

sporadic and unpredictable and inconsistent forms of income. And I was getting myself into, you know, some some debt, so, you know, actually having consistent, regular income. It was really nice to not have to stress about where the next money was coming from.

He's an actor, and I thought it would be sort of a sit down, yeah, the Q and A type thing, but it was m Moore Theater and I was very nervous and Rob told me, he said, this is not Q and A. This is live theater. We're going to take the audience on the journey. So I had a monologue to learn and about forty minutes of stuff and had the time at here and there. I was shitting myself before I walked out the first night, but I really enjoyed it. It was challenging and it was fun.

And we toured around the around the country and Rob said, one thing that he does and I like the way he lives his life. He challenges himself at least once a year, does something he's scared of. And I was scared of doing that. I'd been a cop for years. What am I doing on the stage and then more theater on the Saturday night doing a live show? But it was fun, challenging and rewarding. Did you find that you've done Australian sas the survivor? You went on that

that would have been challenging. Did you do Dancing with the Stars as well?

I guess you could call them my mistakes. Well they're not really mistakes if you if you do learn from them. But you know, the I guess my my character defects, for lack of a better term, you know, my warts, which, yeah, and I think the reason I've always been quite open about that stuff is that I see how the experience

can benefit others, like by me sharing. Yeah. So you know, so I shared some pretty some stuff that I was quite ashamed about and stuff that I still struggle with in terms of you know, like honesty is you know, I feel really ashamed to say it. But you know, honesty is not one of my core values and it

never has been ever since I was a child. I I have learnt to that lying is a survival mechanism because I because of how I was disciplined, because of how I was controlled, and you know, I would get punished for doing something like for I would get punished for if it was found out that I did something. You know, there was no clemency. There was no you weren't. You weren't forgiven for like being honest about it. If

you got found out, you were punished. And so the only way to you know, to get away with it was not to be honest about it, but was to lie and try and get away with it. And that is so automatic and it's and it causes a lot of problems in my life.

it's not your fault. But then when like awareness is actually a very painful place to be in because then then you're aware that like it's actually you know, you're the one that's causing the chaos in your life, and that it's the stage before action, like when when you know, when you cause enough pain to so when the place is uncomfortable enough, then you're put in the action to

actually try and do something about it. So it's not just it's not just having the awareness, it's actually about trying to put in some action to change it afterwards.

a different level. You know, I'm pretty I'm pretty open and free and easy about you know, myself and my sexuality. I don't shame it. I know a lot of other

people do shame it, which is a shame. And you know, you know, to think, the balance I think I've I've had to find with it is you know, before I actually got into it, was like, I wouldn't want this to jeopardize my chances of you know, doing anything in the mainstream, And so what could I do and what do I feel comfortable with doing and sharing that's not going to jeopardize my chance of doing anything in the mainstream.

And I think you know the mainstream, you know, doing pornography I think would be something that would mean that I couldn't be mainstream. And so you know, I don't do pornography. I don't do you know, full frontal how much just you know, send a shared you know, sexy pictures and videos that you know wouldn't be considered pornography.

to keep on checking myself with. I don't shame anybody else like I think it's you know, it's it's empower I fully support anybody else's you know, who works as a sex worker or but or who does sex work. But I, you know, for myself, I kind of sit back and go, you know, can I could I defend this in the name like as you know, being art for example, and you know, but all power to other people like who do you know do pornography and that sort of thing. I fully support them, and I don't

think that should should preclude them. I don't think that should exclude them from being able to have a mainstream career. But I know in reality that a lot of other

people do. And a lot of those other people are decision makers or you know, for example, with mainstream you know, decision makers have to think about, you know, the talent they have having the widest possible appeal, and that you know, they they wouldn't want to alienate a whole demographic of people, quite conservative people, just because they you know, they have one talent that's you know, is a lot more liberal. So it's it's unfortunate that that's the way the world is.

And and actually, you know, an argument could be made that the only way to change that would be to actually have people you know, to be liberal you know, with themselves, and and also can have you know, pioneer paved the way to actually have mainstream careers as well, and that's the way that a change would be made. I don't know if I'm achieving that, you know, but also it would be good.

people do things and commit crimes. I'm not talking with the completely different level when we talk about pedophiles with children, that's completely different, but other adult crimes that have been driven by sex. The wife, it's been murdered because the man has found a new new girlfriend, and yeah, things

like that. So many times it comes in and quite often because they've been suppressing what their actual urges are and that leads them to do something that you know, I don't think they were necessarily a bad person, but they've been lying to themselves and suppressing things and then they've gone done something something horrendous. So, yeah, I was curious how you were going to answer that, but I think you answered it very well, and I don't know what they else to say. You've covered the law in

that your life. Now you're married, Yes, married, talk us through that they had the big wedding or.

of work through things as they pop up. And it's yeah, it's it's pretty unremarkable relationship in terms of you know, it's very very normal.

the diving, like spectator groups on behalf of Airbnb. Airbnb is one of the Olympic, the IOC partners, and so they got a bunch of tickets for different sports and so they gave a bunch of tickets away and they got some athletes to you know, to host these groups.

And so I'll be hosting several groups at the diving and I will also I've also been working for a year and a half with a project called Compete Proud, which is aiming to you know, mix sports more diverse and inclusive places, you know, particularly for LGBTQ plus athletes. But you know, but diversity is an inclusion is it works on many levels, you know, for in terms of racism, sexism, ableism,

you know, all that sort of stuff. So I will actually be in Paris working at Pride House as well, which is a space that you know, for the last you know, since probably two thousand and I think just after two thousand and eight. I think it's been a common feature of Olympic Games to have a Pride House, which is a space for we're fans or athletes or support staff for you know, just anybody kind of involved in the in the Olympics to have a safe space

for them. So I will be there doing some doing interviews with athletes and being around for meeting greets and education sessions and stuff like that.

I honestly believe you're making a difference. So full credit to you. And maybe the winning the Olympic gold medal is not going to be the highlight of your life, and the way that your life is playing out helping others is getting you more reward than what you believe the Olympic gold might get you.