Dr. Liz: Hey everyone. Dr. Liz: Dr Liz, here I am trying to work my way Dr. Liz: through the requests made during the Dr. Liz: podcast survey of 2024. Dr. Liz: Requests are always helpful for me, so Dr. Liz: don't feel like you can't send them to me Dr. Liz: even though the survey's done. Dr. Liz: You can always email me requests. Dr. Liz: You just email me drliz D-R-L-I-Z at Dr. Liz: drlizhypnosiscom and I'll try to get to it Dr. Liz: on the podcast.
Dr. Liz: I don't know about everything, obviously, Dr. Liz: so I try to stick to my area of expertise Dr. Liz: or I should say areas but often the Dr. Liz: requests line up with those, so somehow I'm Dr. Liz: speaking to the people I need to speak to. Dr. Liz: I got several requests about ruminating, Dr. Liz: worrying a lot and balance in life like Dr. Liz: motherhood, wife, job, was the comment.
Dr. Liz: Stress at work is another one that I feel Dr. Liz: like falls into that stress slash, anxiety Dr. Liz: category. Dr. Liz: When anxiety gets to a certain level, then Dr. Liz: we sort of tip it over into ruminating.
Dr. Liz: Ruminating is this feeling of you're Dr. Liz: thinking and thinking and thinking and Dr. Liz: never really making a decision about Dr. Liz: something or never moving forward with Dr. Liz: something, or you're always thinking about Dr. Liz: the same thing that creates stress in your Dr. Liz: life or anxiety in your life, but nothing Dr. Liz: seems to ever change with it. Dr. Liz: I used to be a huge ruminator. Dr. Liz: I'm making a confession here.
Dr. Liz: I had about a decade in my life where I Dr. Liz: could not make a decision for the life of Dr. Liz: me. Dr. Liz: It was really awful. Dr. Liz: I had research and research and research. Dr. Liz: I've always been a researcher but I just Dr. Liz: felt like I couldn't like pull the trigger. Dr. Liz: I couldn't actually make the decision. Dr. Liz: I mean, this would show up in the grocery Dr. Liz: store what kind of cereal to buy.
Dr. Liz: It would show up in my personal life Should Dr. Liz: I break up with this person? Dr. Liz: I think I was single most of that time.
Dr. Liz: It would show up at work, like what type of Dr. Liz: training should I do or what specialty Dr. Liz: should I really go for, although I would Dr. Liz: say less so at work, like I always had a Dr. Liz: good idea of my specialty areas as I go Dr. Liz: along they have changed with time, but Dr. Liz: still it was this feeling of like maybe I Dr. Liz: should switch to this one, maybe I should Dr. Liz: switch to this one, maybe I should switch Dr. Liz: to that one, maybe I should take this
Dr. Liz: training and feeling like I can never Dr. Liz: really make the decision about that. Dr. Liz: This sometimes shows up when people are Dr. Liz: thinking about leaving a partner divorce, Dr. Liz: separation.
Dr. Liz: Now, I'm going to differentiate this for a Dr. Liz: little bit, because that's a big decision Dr. Liz: for most people If you've been together Dr. Liz: more than a year or two years, let's say, Dr. Liz: and certainly if you have children together Dr. Liz: or business stuff together, own a house Dr. Liz: together, it's a huge decision. Dr. Liz: So people do typically think about that, Dr. Liz: for I think the average is about two years Dr. Liz: before they make that decision.
Dr. Liz: That is not necessarily ruminating. Dr. Liz: Okay, that's like you're processing, you're Dr. Liz: trying to figure things out. Dr. Liz: Perhaps you're going to therapy, perhaps Dr. Liz: you're not. Dr. Liz: You're looking at information, you're Dr. Liz: trying to decide what's worth it. Dr. Liz: You're running the pros and cons.
Dr. Liz: That's not necessarily ruminating, but it Dr. Liz: can tip over into ruminating when things Dr. Liz: are very clear, like this partner is Dr. Liz: abusive to you, yet you still haven't left Dr. Liz: them. Dr. Liz: Yet you still haven't left them. Dr. Liz: Sometimes that's financial decisions going Dr. Liz: on, and I completely understand that. Dr. Liz: Sometimes that's safety decisions about Dr. Liz: your children. Dr. Liz: I understand that too.
Dr. Liz: But then it's like all right, the Dr. Liz: decision's made, I'm not really leaving Dr. Liz: this person unless X, y, z happens, at Dr. Liz: which point I will doesn't really fall into Dr. Liz: ruminating. Dr. Liz: That's a decision is made. Dr. Liz: If you continue to think, maybe I should, Dr. Liz: maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should, maybe I Dr. Liz: shouldn't, maybe I should, you know, like Dr. Liz: years and years and years, then it sort of Dr. Liz: starts to drift into that category.
Dr. Liz: Let's say and that's a common area that Dr. Liz: people do ruminate about is relationships. Dr. Liz: Now, I'm sure you're wondering what to do Dr. Liz: about ruminating. Dr. Liz: What I'm going to talk about comes from Dr. Liz: personal experience, which you know you're Dr. Liz: pretty used to that on the podcast as well Dr. Liz: as professional training that I've taken.
Dr. Liz: I recently took a training like, let's say, Dr. Liz: the fall of 2023, on how to decrease Dr. Liz: rumination with Michael Yapko. Dr. Liz: Dr Michael Yapko, he's amazing. Dr. Liz: He's like this older therapist who just has Dr. Liz: so much experience. Dr. Liz: He's very straightforward, like, very Dr. Liz: straightforward.
Dr. Liz: There's always a Q&A not always, but most Dr. Liz: of the professional trainings there's a Q&A Dr. Liz: not always, but most of the professional Dr. Liz: trainings there's a Q&A time and one of the Dr. Liz: therapists asked something. Dr. Liz: He said straight to her well, you're not a Dr. Liz: good enough therapist. Dr. Liz: Like you need to work on that.
Dr. Liz: Okay, I've never heard someone say that in Dr. Liz: a seminar of, like you know, 20 plus years Dr. Liz: of taking trainings. Dr. Liz: I thought it was really funny. Dr. Liz: He's like, basically, you're doing that Dr. Liz: wrong. Dr. Liz: This is what you do need to do and this is Dr. Liz: what you do need to work on. Dr. Liz: So he gave the solution, but it was like, Dr. Liz: wow, okay, that's how straightforward he is.
Dr. Liz: Anyway, he says that ruminators really Dr. Liz: believe that they're gaining insight when Dr. Liz: they're running these things through their Dr. Liz: head over and over and over again. Dr. Liz: Now again, this could be around decisions.
Dr. Liz: This can be around something that happened Dr. Liz: to you, but often it's around negative Dr. Liz: consequences, like thinking of all the Dr. Liz: awful things that could happen and feeling Dr. Liz: badly about, like the potential awful Dr. Liz: things that could happen, which then keeps Dr. Liz: someone stuck. Dr. Liz: So when we tend to think about the good Dr. Liz: things that happen if I make this decision Dr. Liz: then we feel better and it helps us get Dr. Liz: unstuck.
Dr. Liz: That's one way out of ruminating right, I Dr. Liz: threw that in there. Dr. Liz: But when we're constantly focusing on the Dr. Liz: bad things that could happen, then that's Dr. Liz: going to keep us stuck, like, oh, most Dr. Liz: people don't want to make a decision. Dr. Liz: That leads to poor outcomes, let's say bad Dr. Liz: things happening in their life. Dr. Liz: So then they stay stuck. Dr. Liz: He also said there's often a history of Dr. Liz: trauma that goes with ruminators.
Dr. Liz: They perceive that they face chronic, Dr. Liz: uncontrollable stressors, so they feel Dr. Liz: helpless often in their life and it's this Dr. Liz: feeling of like why does all this bad stuff Dr. Liz: keep happening to me? Dr. Liz: There's also an element of perfectionism Dr. Liz: that goes on with ruminators, as in I have Dr. Liz: to make the right decision, I have to make Dr. Liz: the perfect decision. Dr. Liz: It's not okay if I just make a decision Dr. Liz: that's just okay.
Dr. Liz: It has to be the perfect one, or else Dr. Liz: things will turn out poorly and I'll be to Dr. Liz: blame for that. Dr. Liz: So that's the second half of that sentence Dr. Liz: that often comes up, and there's often a Dr. Liz: lot of self-blame that goes with it, like Dr. Liz: what's wrong with me, or why can't I do Dr. Liz: this, or what if I fail? Dr. Liz: Or this again perception of why is this Dr. Liz: happening to me?
Dr. Liz: So all of those create anxiety and Dr. Liz: sometimes depression as well. Dr. Liz: If you're thinking what's wrong with me all Dr. Liz: the time, that's pretty sad. Dr. Liz: That doesn't feel good. Dr. Liz: Versus, I'm a human being and it's okay to Dr. Liz: make mistakes, and everybody makes mistakes, Dr. Liz: and this may not turn out perfectly, but I Dr. Liz: can manage, I can handle whatever the Dr. Liz: result will be be.
Dr. Liz: Again, I'm throwing in here some of the Dr. Liz: solution thoughts to ruminating and Dr. Liz: sometimes it's really this belief of I Dr. Liz: can't manage or I can't handle. Dr. Liz: Whatever's going to happen, like this will Dr. Liz: just be awful at the end. Dr. Liz: This is how I used to feel this will be Dr. Liz: awful and I don't know what I'm going to do Dr. Liz: if this happens or that happens, and how am Dr. Liz: I going to manage?
Dr. Liz: All of these things come up unmanageable or Dr. Liz: feeling like things are out of balance, Dr. Liz: then they're not making decisions to bring Dr. Liz: things back into balance, to be able to Dr. Liz: handle that stress, to decrease the Dr. Liz: negative feelings in their life. Dr. Liz: Dr Yapko sees the essence of rumination as Dr. Liz: a reduced ability to problem solvea. Dr. Liz: Like he says, these people are not problem Dr. Liz: solving.
Dr. Liz: They get stuck in the thought process of Dr. Liz: the what ifs but often they're not moving Dr. Liz: to the problem solving step. Dr. Liz: Sometimes there's negative coping that goes Dr. Liz: on. Dr. Liz: Negative coping is like alcohol, drugs, Dr. Liz: binge watching TV or social media, Dr. Liz: something like that. Dr. Liz: Sometimes there's compassion fatigue that Dr. Liz: happens on their relationship.
Dr. Liz: So then people, friends will start to Dr. Liz: withdraw some of their support or avoid Dr. Liz: their calls, which then doesn't help them Dr. Liz: problem solve right. Dr. Liz: The research they've done on it is that Dr. Liz: when ruminators recall something, they have Dr. Liz: a negative, biased interpretation of what Dr. Liz: happened. Dr. Liz: So they are more likely to remember the bad Dr. Liz: things that happened versus the good things Dr. Liz: that happened.
Dr. Liz: So that's really fascinating, I think. Dr. Liz: To me From a research perspective it's like Dr. Liz: oh, this is just not a perceptual thing. Dr. Liz: When you run a study, they are literally Dr. Liz: remembering things negatively. Dr. Liz: Perceptual thing when you run a study, they Dr. Liz: are literally remembering things negatively. Dr. Liz: So then if you're remembering all the bad Dr. Liz: things that happened from a decision you Dr. Liz: made.
Dr. Liz: That's going to hurt your ability to make a Dr. Liz: decision in the future. Dr. Liz: If you don't have, let's say, a list of all Dr. Liz: the accomplishments that you've done in Dr. Liz: your life, or what I call a victory journal Dr. Liz: or a success journal like the good things, Dr. Liz: the good decisions you made and how they Dr. Liz: turned out then it's very easy to remember Dr. Liz: all the negative stuff.
Dr. Liz: I actually do have a running list that I've Dr. Liz: kept for decades about the decisions I made Dr. Liz: that turned out well. Dr. Liz: I sort of did this intuitively at some Dr. Liz: point and then I heard about the success Dr. Liz: journal. Dr. Liz: I decided to keep one of those. Dr. Liz: You know I I fill it out from time to time. Dr. Liz: I don't do it every day. Dr. Liz: I don't know if I have successes every day, Dr. Liz: but I definitely do it from time to time.
Dr. Liz: I put things on there like built my Dr. Liz: business from zero, built two businesses Dr. Liz: from zero to the point where they could Dr. Liz: support myself and my girls. Dr. Liz: It's a huge success. Dr. Liz: If you're in business for more than two Dr. Liz: years, that's a huge success. Dr. Liz: Vast majority of businesses fail within Dr. Liz: those first two years. Dr. Liz: You go past five. Dr. Liz: It's another level of sustainability that Dr. Liz: you've created in your business.
Dr. Liz: I have in mind I got one kid off to college Dr. Liz: and graduated Fantastic. Dr. Liz: Now some people may say that's her success. Dr. Liz: It totally is. Dr. Liz: People, that is her success. Dr. Liz: And at the same time, I was the parent that Dr. Liz: supported her through that. Dr. Liz: I was the parent who made sure she applied Dr. Liz: to more than just one college, which is Dr. Liz: what she wanted to do.
Dr. Liz: I was like let's consider, you know, let's Dr. Liz: do five or six ER. Dr. Liz: I'm the parent who supported her Dr. Liz: financially through that, emotionally Dr. Liz: through that, even sometimes physically, Dr. Liz: meaning, you know, paying for her to come Dr. Liz: home and picking her up, and you know all Dr. Liz: kinds of stuff.
Dr. Liz: So it's really looking at what can you put Dr. Liz: on that success list that then you can look Dr. Liz: back on in difficult times when you are Dr. Liz: struggling with a decision, and you can put Dr. Liz: large stuff. Dr. Liz: Those are large stuff to me. Dr. Liz: You could put smaller stuff. Dr. Liz: The AC broke and I figured out how to fix Dr. Liz: it myself. Dr. Liz: That's a fantastic success.
Dr. Liz: I figured out how to switch out the plugs Dr. Liz: in my house and I did it with YouTube and Dr. Liz: so I went into like update all the plugs so Dr. Liz: that they look more modern. Dr. Liz: My house was built in like 1979 or Dr. Liz: something, so I changed them out myself and Dr. Liz: I'm very proud of that. Dr. Liz: I'm like yes, I did that, so that's Dr. Liz: something smaller. Dr. Liz: That goes on my success journal.
Dr. Liz: So it's really starting to keep a list like Dr. Liz: that to remind yourself of all the Dr. Liz: difficult times that you've gotten through, Dr. Liz: all the things you have figured out. Dr. Liz: All right, now let's talk about more.
Dr. Liz: What do you do about it when you're really Dr. Liz: stressing about something, when you're Dr. Liz: worrying about something, when you feel Dr. Liz: like you are ruminating about something Dr. Liz: whether that's your family or the news, Dr. Liz: political events, that type of thing, or Dr. Liz: the news, political events, that type of Dr. Liz: thing Now, sometimes this varies depending Dr. Liz: on what you're thinking about. Dr. Liz: I often go to Radical Acceptance.
Dr. Liz: I ran an episode about Radical Acceptance. Dr. Liz: It's episode 260. Dr. Liz: If you wanna look that up, you can always Dr. Liz: go to my website drlizhypnosiscom forward Dr. Liz: slash episode 260, and you'll find it. Dr. Liz: It's on my website. Dr. Liz: You can also search it up on your podcast Dr. Liz: player, but often I think the website's an Dr. Liz: easier way to go. Dr. Liz: But some of what we need to do is move to Dr. Liz: radical acceptance.
Dr. Liz: There's some things I can't control, and so Dr. Liz: how do I then reduce my worry about them? Dr. Liz: That's a one sentence radical acceptance. Dr. Liz: There's a lot more to it, but that's the Dr. Liz: essence of it. Dr. Liz: Basically is this has happened. Dr. Liz: I cannot control it, I can't change the Dr. Liz: past. Dr. Liz: So now, how do I practice acceptance of Dr. Liz: that and moving forward?
Dr. Liz: And when I catch myself in ruminating, Dr. Liz: thinking about it, thinking about why, Dr. Liz: thinking about how did that happen, what Dr. Liz: mistake did I make, then I recognize that Dr. Liz: it's not very useful to me and then think Dr. Liz: about what would be useful to me. Dr. Liz: How can I move forward? Dr. Liz: What kind of thought can I hold on to that Dr. Liz: is helpful to me?
Dr. Liz: Now, for some people, the worst case Dr. Liz: scenario is more helpful, and for some Dr. Liz: people, the best case scenario is more Dr. Liz: helpful. Dr. Liz: I'm more of a worst case scenario person. Dr. Liz: So my youngest is going to college in the Dr. Liz: fall of 2024. Dr. Liz: And we were visiting some colleges and we Dr. Liz: came home and I was awake in the night Dr. Liz: worrying about where she's going to live.
Dr. Liz: So she picked a college that doesn't have Dr. Liz: on-campus dorms, and so I was really Dr. Liz: worried. Dr. Liz: I still am people Worried a little bit, not Dr. Liz: so much as that night, though. Dr. Liz: I was like where is she going to live? Dr. Liz: Is she going to take the bus? Dr. Liz: Will she be able to manage that? Dr. Liz: What happens if she oversleeps and misses Dr. Liz: the bus and then she misses the class?
Dr. Liz: How is she going to get groceries, like all Dr. Liz: of these different things, because this Dr. Liz: college doesn't have like a huge dining Dr. Liz: hall on campus like most universities do. Dr. Liz: All of these things came up for me. Dr. Liz: Now, this is kid dependent too, so she is Dr. Liz: autistic level one, so she does struggle Dr. Liz: with some things. Dr. Liz: Well, she's ADD, so she struggles with some Dr. Liz: time management and some executive function.
Dr. Liz: She also has her own anxiety, so it's like Dr. Liz: all of these different things that I was Dr. Liz: really worried about. Dr. Liz: And so in the middle of the night I'm like, Dr. Liz: oh my gosh, how can I get back to sleep? Dr. Liz: Like none of this is useful to me right now. Dr. Liz: I will help her manage it. Dr. Liz: She will manage it somehow. Dr. Liz: If she doesn't, the worst case is that she Dr. Liz: drops out of college. Dr. Liz: That's it.
Dr. Liz: That one helped bring it down some but Dr. Liz: didn't completely stop it to the point Dr. Liz: where I felt like I could go back to sleep. Dr. Liz: So what did it for me is we can all die Dr. Liz: tomorrow. Dr. Liz: Awful thought, morbid, all right, but it Dr. Liz: works. Dr. Liz: It works for me. Dr. Liz: All of this worrying could be completely Dr. Liz: useless. Dr. Liz: That's the one that worked for me. Dr. Liz: I don't know if that will work for you.
Dr. Liz: That is often the one that I go to. Dr. Liz: Actually, all of this could be irrelevant Dr. Liz: because I could step off the curb tomorrow Dr. Liz: and that could be it. Dr. Liz: I could be in the afterlife. Dr. Liz: That's it. Dr. Liz: You've got to find what works for you. Dr. Liz: A best case would be like you know what Dr. Liz: she's going to handle all of this.
Dr. Liz: Fine, she has support, she has academic Dr. Liz: support from the college, she has support Dr. Liz: from me and her dad and her sister and Dr. Liz: friends, and we're going to figure it out. Dr. Liz: That's the best case. Dr. Liz: That's going to help some people. Dr. Liz: So figure out which one you are and then Dr. Liz: use that as a tool for yourself.
Dr. Liz: So part of that process is actually Dr. Liz: practicing how to discriminate Discriminate Dr. Liz: what's important, what's worth listening to, Dr. Liz: what is a legitimate concern and what is Dr. Liz: not, what can you control and what you Dr. Liz: can't. Dr. Liz: So often when we're going into a super Dr. Liz: worry cycle, very stressful kind of cycle, Dr. Liz: or a rumination cycle, we're not Dr. Liz: discriminating what's really important.
Dr. Liz: Let me give this example of let's say, Dr. Liz: someone is in an abusive relationship but Dr. Liz: they start to think about the good things.
Dr. Liz: Well, this person takes me out to eat a lot, Dr. Liz: or, let's say, the sex is pretty good, or Dr. Liz: they have a good sense of humor most of the Dr. Liz: time and it's like okay, those are Dr. Liz: important things when you're thinking about Dr. Liz: a relationship, but do they outweigh Dr. Liz: someone who then turns around and does Dr. Liz: significant emotional abuse or physical Dr. Liz: abuse? Dr. Liz: All right, we've got to weight these things.
Dr. Liz: How much weight does taking you out to eat Dr. Liz: get, versus breaking up with you at Dr. Liz: midnight and telling you to get all your Dr. Liz: stuff and move out of the house when you Dr. Liz: have nowhere to go and they don't care at Dr. Liz: midnight? Dr. Liz: Or they're throwing your stuff on the front Dr. Liz: lawn, let's say I think that carries a Dr. Liz: little bit more weight than well. Dr. Liz: He has a good sense of humor when he's in a Dr. Liz: good mood, right?
Dr. Liz: That's a discrimination kind of problem Dr. Liz: that I'm talking about. Dr. Liz: Let's go back to an easy example of the Dr. Liz: grocery store and very US example. Dr. Liz: You're sitting and looking at all the Dr. Liz: Alfredo sauces and there's a million of Dr. Liz: them. Dr. Liz: One discrimination strategy is it doesn't Dr. Liz: really matter, just pick one, that's it. Dr. Liz: Pick one, move on, that's it.
Dr. Liz: Like they're all the same, basically, or Dr. Liz: I'm going to try a new one every week until Dr. Liz: I find my favorite. Dr. Liz: That would be a discrimination strategy.
Dr. Liz: But it moves you out of just sitting there Dr. Liz: staring at the Alfredo sauce feeling like I Dr. Liz: don't know how to pick, or sitting in the Dr. Liz: store thinking I don't know what shirt to Dr. Liz: pick if I'm trying to buy a new shirt, Dr. Liz: thinking, eventually, it doesn't really Dr. Liz: matter. Dr. Liz: Like you, buy a shirt that looks decent on Dr. Liz: you, you don't have to look perfect. Dr. Liz: Again, you're moving out of perfectionism.
Dr. Liz: You like this shirt, you like this color Dr. Liz: shirt that looks decent on you, you don't Dr. Liz: have to look perfect. Dr. Liz: Again, you're moving out of perfectionism. Dr. Liz: You like this shirt, you like this color, Dr. Liz: it looks pretty good, go for it. Dr. Liz: Versus, it has to be the perfect shirt and Dr. Liz: if it's not, oh, I'm going to have to do Dr. Liz: this all again, so maybe I shouldn't buy it.
Dr. Liz: And then you're off on a rumination cycle, Dr. Liz: let's say so discrimination, getting better Dr. Liz: at discriminating, getting better at taking Dr. Liz: some kind of action. Dr. Liz: So I talk about this in terms of anxiety Dr. Liz: quite a bit. Dr. Liz: If you find yourself in a really anxious Dr. Liz: cycle, then taking one small action can Dr. Liz: often get you out of that cycle.
Dr. Liz: We're converting that thought to an action Dr. Liz: plan, basically, whether that's smaller or Dr. Liz: larger. Dr. Liz: But people, when they tend to like, stress Dr. Liz: out, worry, ruminate, they're not taking Dr. Liz: action. Dr. Liz: Typically, they're just thinking, thinking, Dr. Liz: thinking, thinking. Dr. Liz: And once we take one small action, it Dr. Liz: starts to break that cycle and it gets us Dr. Liz: out of our heads more.
Dr. Liz: One small action can be I'm just leaving Dr. Liz: the store. Dr. Liz: That's a small action. Dr. Liz: I'm not going to worry about that shirt Dr. Liz: anymore. Dr. Liz: This isn't the time or place. Dr. Liz: I'm leaving the store One small action. Dr. Liz: Maybe you're sitting there on Amazon Dr. Liz: looking at three different shirts and Dr. Liz: you're like I'm going to order all three, Dr. Liz: I'll see which one fits best. Dr. Liz: I'll return the other two.
Dr. Liz: That's one small action versus trying to Dr. Liz: find the perfect one and thinking I've got Dr. Liz: to do it right. Dr. Liz: One small action would be I'm going to make Dr. Liz: a plan for if I do want to leave this Dr. Liz: person, what is my plan? Dr. Liz: That's an action that you're taking. Dr. Liz: I wouldn't say that's a small action. Dr. Liz: That's a pretty big action, but you're Dr. Liz: you're taking some kind of action to get Dr. Liz: you out of that.
Dr. Liz: Sometimes this is physical, like I'm going Dr. Liz: to go do a yoga stretch. Dr. Liz: I'm going to take a walk. Dr. Liz: I'm going to go in my shop and do some Dr. Liz: woodworking. Dr. Liz: Perhaps you turn on a show. Dr. Liz: I'm going to watch a show. Dr. Liz: Do some woodworking. Dr. Liz: Perhaps you turn on a show. Dr. Liz: I'm going to watch a show, distract myself Dr. Liz: and not think about this for a while. Dr. Liz: I'm going to find a thought that feels Dr. Liz: better.
Dr. Liz: That's an action finding a thought that Dr. Liz: feels better. Dr. Liz: You're taking these actions to get you out Dr. Liz: of this cycle. Dr. Liz: Planning is one of those actions. Dr. Liz: Right, I'm going to make a plan for if I do Dr. Liz: stay with this person and I feel X, y, z in Dr. Liz: one year, then I'm leaving. Dr. Liz: Or then I'm reevaluating. Dr. Liz: Often people do that Say I'm going to Dr. Liz: reevaluate in six months.
Dr. Liz: Often when people come into couples therapy, Dr. Liz: the therapist will say can you commit for Dr. Liz: three months or six months to not leave Dr. Liz: while we explore this process? Dr. Liz: That's actually an action Like, yes, okay, Dr. Liz: I'm committed right here and then at the Dr. Liz: end of that period I can reevaluate and see Dr. Liz: how I feel.
Dr. Liz: Often an action people will take in an Dr. Liz: abusive relationship is if he does this or Dr. Liz: she does this, or if they do that, then I'm Dr. Liz: leaving Like that's it for me. Dr. Liz: That's a bottom line for me. Dr. Liz: There's a book by Mira Kirshenbaum called Dr. Liz: Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay Dr. Liz: Step-by-step guide to help you decide Dr. Liz: whether to stay in or get out of your Dr. Liz: relationship. Dr. Liz: It's an excellent book.
Dr. Liz: It is an older book. Dr. Liz: I don't know if she's done a revision of it. Dr. Liz: At any point, it's a classic. Dr. Liz: But she talks about bottom lines and how Dr. Liz: people have different bottom lines and Dr. Liz: those are individual and when someone Dr. Liz: crosses yours, it's okay to be like that's Dr. Liz: a bottom line for me. Dr. Liz: I can't stay in this. Dr. Liz: Sometimes the action is making that Dr. Liz: decision. Dr. Liz: What is my bottom line Now?
Dr. Liz: If the bottom line comes and goes and is Dr. Liz: crossed and you don't take action, then it Dr. Liz: is like, let me look at this again, what is Dr. Liz: keeping me in this? Dr. Liz: And that's a whole nother episode. Dr. Liz: But I suggest and make some bottom lines, Dr. Liz: make some plans is my point as a way to Dr. Liz: stop some of the rumination, like I feel Dr. Liz: for you. Dr. Liz: Oh, a final strategy here. Dr. Liz: And what helped me?
Dr. Liz: Far before I took any workshop about it or Dr. Liz: even knew that it was called something, I Dr. Liz: just used to call it obsessing, like, like Dr. Liz: I'm obsessing about this and that's Dr. Liz: basically ruminating. Dr. Liz: For me, it was having a sense of Dr. Liz: spirituality in my life and developing that.
Dr. Liz: If you've listened to the podcast for any Dr. Liz: amount of time, you know I was an atheist Dr. Liz: for about 20 years and then I found a sense Dr. Liz: of spirituality in my life, mostly through Dr. Liz: going through some 12-step programs, never Dr. Liz: addicted to alcohol or drugs, but I Dr. Liz: definitely did some other programs Dr. Liz: Overeaters, anonymous, under-earners Dr. Liz: Anonymous, al-anon, all of those and it was Dr. Liz: the sense of you know I'm on the right path
Dr. Liz: here, like I don't have to be perfect, but Dr. Liz: I'm on the right path and I'm growing on my Dr. Liz: spiritual journey in a sense of like I'm Dr. Liz: taken care of here. Dr. Liz: So often if I find that I'm really starting Dr. Liz: to ruminate about something, I'll put on Dr. Liz: some spiritual kind of support on YouTube, Dr. Liz: some audios that I listen to.
Dr. Liz: Abraham Hicks is a favorite of mine, very, Dr. Liz: very well-known and famous, but you can Dr. Liz: find whoever really speaks to you. Dr. Liz: Joe Dispenza sometimes has good ones, talks Dr. Liz: about how we do affect our life and talks Dr. Liz: about spirituality. Dr. Liz: Sometimes I'll listen to a spiritual kind Dr. Liz: of hypnosis and say, okay, I have decisions Dr. Liz: to make here, but I'm also on a spiritual Dr. Liz: path.
Dr. Liz: Some of this had to happen for me to move Dr. Liz: forward in a different way in my life. Dr. Liz: So that got me out of that kind of Dr. Liz: indecision cycle as well as a greater Dr. Liz: ability to just say I will adjust and Dr. Liz: manage, I will handle whatever happens. Dr. Liz: I can always make a different decision in Dr. Liz: the future.
Dr. Liz: So all of those became really helpful for Dr. Liz: me in my life and still are All right, Dr. Liz: everyone wrapping up here, I hope that you Dr. Liz: are healthy and safe and that you're having Dr. Liz: some small moments of happiness or joy or Dr. Liz: contentment in your life today. Dr. Liz: Peace.